Out of Captivity : Surviving 1,967 Days in the Colombian Jungle

158 OUT OF CAPTIVITYnecessary sacrifice. Given that we were being held by guerrillas hadonly hardened my stance against wiping out anyone who denied therights and liberties of others.When the POL activity was over, I had a chance to analyze everythingthat happened. I was pleased that we had had an opportunity to communicatemessages to our families. I was glad that we’d gotten somereading materials and learned a few things about the outside world. Iwas hopeful, but as always, that hope had come with the caveat of badnews.Death was very much on all our minds. I’d wanted to break out of theisolation we’d all been experiencing, but learning about the deaths ofothers was not what I had been hoping for. Receiving confirmation ofTommy J’s death was tough enough, but the additional deaths of Ralph,Tommy Schmidt, and Butch were bad. I’d been around long enough toknow pilots and crew members who had died in aircraft accidents. Thatpotential threat was always a part of the job, but this was the first timeI’d experienced other people’s loss of life due to them trying to help me.That didn’t sit well with any of us. The irony that we were being videotapedto prove we were alive, only to learn of other people’s deaths, wasa bitter pill to swallow. Add in the fact that someone whose intentionsyou suspected had been sticking a camera in your face to capture yourreaction, and this hard situation became exponentially more difficult.I didn’t want my family to worry about me, and who knew whatBotero planned to do with the image of me learning that good friendshad died. I sensed almost immediately that Botero or others would useour words to advance their agenda and set up another opportunity topropagandize. Weighing that knowledge against our desire to reassureour families created a lot of anxiety in us all.After it was said and done, I also wasn’t certain that our POL wouldeven reach our families. We’d been led to believe that an internationaljournalist was going to be there, and instead this Colombian showed up.Botero didn’t have any credentials. He didn’t have a film crew with him.