It's not her fault you can't get - Focus on Women Magazine

Valentine’s Day and Relationships–“Why He Won’t Marry You”Q&A with Prof. Daniel L. Buccino, LCSW-C, BCD, Johns Hopkins Medical SchoolQ. Why is it that some menare reluctant to marry?I see more and more longtermcouples in counselingwho appear deeply committedbut are just <strong>not</strong> able totake the final step to thealtar. Marriage and familyremain goals for mostcouples but many people havedifficulty turning the dreaminto reality. Obviously, giventhe high divorce rate, manymore have difficulty sustainingthe reality of marriageonce the dream fades. Somemen may <strong>not</strong> want to <strong>get</strong>married because:• He is “in love” with <strong>her</strong>,but doesn’t really love <strong>her</strong>as a person.• To him being in lovemeans it’s still just allabout the sex.• Unfortunately, he’s really“just <strong>not</strong> that into <strong>her</strong>.”• Perhaps he is seeing someoneelse.Q. This isn’t a very encouraginglist and are<strong>you</strong> saying that some mencan’t tell the differencebetween real love andsexual desire?Well, I hear this frommany men—“I love <strong>her</strong>, butI’m <strong>not</strong> in love with <strong>her</strong>.” Ihave come to understand thisto mean that the initial lusty,early days of the relationshiphave worn off and now thingsare a little less frisky, so menmay worry that this meansthey are falling out of love. Itmay mean, rat<strong>her</strong>, that thecouple is actually moving toa more enduring stage of t<strong>her</strong>elationship.Some ot<strong>her</strong> reasons a manmay <strong>not</strong> want to walk downthe aisle are:• He’s spoiled for choice—t<strong>her</strong>e are just too manypossibilities in the big cityand he’s waiting to see ifhe can find a “better deal.”• Because of the ease ofmeeting potential romanticpartners via the Internetthrough social networking,“sexting,” texting, and“hooking up,” serious datingand commitment maybe becoming a thing of thepast.Q. This sounds like morebad news for women whowant to <strong>get</strong> married.The contemporary datingscene does offer many moreoptions than previous eras.This paradox of choice andabundance of choice can actuallylead to paralysis whenone is faced with too manyoptions. This can sometimeslead to couples having difficultycommitting and settlingdown because they areafraid they may just be “settling,”and that t<strong>her</strong>e may bea<strong>not</strong><strong>her</strong> better option behindthe next social network post.Here are additional reasonswhy some men just can’tseem to make the ultimatecommitment.• Maybe because in today’seconomy she has a job andhe doesn’t.• Maybe because in today’seconomy he has a job andshe doesn’t.• Maybe because theyhaven’t been dating “longenough.”• Maybe he believes she iscoming on too strong.• Maybe he thinks he can’twin, because, as ChrisRock said, “married peopleare bored and single peopleare lonely.”• Maybe he’s never seen anexample of a good, stable,long-lasting relationship.• Maybe he is <strong>not</strong> responsible,reliable, trustworthy,competent, and focused.• Maybe he thinks she is<strong>not</strong> responsible, reliable,trustworthy, competent,and focused.• Maybe he thinks she is tooself-sufficient, she doesn’tneed anything, including ahusband, or more specifically,him.Prof. Daniel L. Buccino, LCSW-C, BCD,is a social worker and the clinical supervisorand student coordinator of theAdult Outpatient Community PsychiatryProgram at the Johns Hopkins BayviewMedical Center. He is also an assistantprofessor in the Department of Psychiatryand Behavioral Sciences JohnsHopkins University School of Medicine.Prof. Buccino is co-founded the BaltimorePsychot<strong>her</strong>apy Institute w<strong>her</strong>e hespecializes in providing psychot<strong>her</strong>apyfor individuals, couples, and families.He can be reached directly at dbuccino@jhmi.eduor (410) 550-0105.<strong>Focus</strong> on Women Magazine