July 3, 2009 - The Austin Chronicle

BY CHUCK SHEPHERDUsing GPS and state-of-the-art sonar, Columbia University researchersrecently made the first comprehensive map of the wonders submergedin New York City’s harbors. Supplementing those findings with historicaldata, New York magazine reported the inventory’s highlights in May: a 350-foot steamship (downed in 1920), a freight train (derailed in 1865), 1,600bars of silver (unrecovered since 1903), a fleet of Good Humor ice creamtrucks (which form a reef for aquatic life), and so many junked cars nearthe Brooklyn and Manhattan bridges that divers use them as underwaternavigation points. Of most concern lately, though, are the wildlife: 4-foot-longworms that eat wooden docks and tiny gribbles that eat concrete pilings.THE CONTINUING CRISISMore Post-Traumatic Stress: Peter Singer,the author of a new book on battlefieldrobotics, told LiveScience.com in May hehad seen soldiers in Iraq and Afghanistangrow so attached to their bomb-disposalrobots that, in one case, the soldier risked160 feet of enemy machine-gun fire toretrieve his little buddy, and in another, asoldier brought his robot in for repairs withtears in his eyes over the “injury” to hisbeloved “Scooby-Doo.” Several units, hesaid, had given their robots promotions,Purple Hearts, and even a military funeral.LEAST COMPETENT CRIMINALS1) Brandon Hiser, 22, was arrested inKansas City, Mo., in May for trying to breakin to a bank using only a screwdriver, whichwould be a daunting task any time, but thebank Hiser was trying to enter was theFederal Reserve Bank of Kansas City. 2)Ezedrick Jones, 18, was arrested inMemphis, Tenn., for the attempted robberyof the very same KFC from which he hadrecently been fired. Though masked, Joneswas quickly recognized by his former managervia the mask’s oversized eye holes,and throughout the robbery the managerkept addressing Ezedrick by name.PEOPLE DIFFERENT FROM USIn the Kings Creek area north of Lenoir,N.C., according to sheriff’s deputies, twofeuding families created a ruckus in Mayafter a dog killed a neighbor’s cat. Whenthe cat’s owner found out, he shot the dogdead. When the dog’s owner found out, heshot the cat’s owner and the man’s youngdaughter. Deputies were called, and whenthey arrived, the dog’s owner shot both ofthem, but one got off a return shot, fatallywounding the dog’s owner (and completingthe chain!).GOVERNMENT IN ACTIONMore California Money “Management”:The Los Angeles Unified School District paysalmost $10 million a year to about 160teachers and staff who are forbidden to doany work – those subject to discipline butwhose cumbersome “due process” andappeals take years to carry out. One teacher,Matthew Kim, fired by the school board in2002 for allegedly sexually harassing studentsand colleagues, still receives his$68,000 a year including benefits and (byunion contract interpretation) cannot becalled on to perform clerical or other non-“professional” duties during the appeals,according to a May Los Angeles Times report.ROY TOMPKINSBecause of what an April Boston Globereport called “a decades-old interpretationof the state’s militia laws,” state governmentemployees who are also members ofthe Massachusetts National Guard and whogo on active duty are paid much moremoney if deployed at home than in Iraq orAfghanistan. State law requires thoseGuardsmen on domestic duty to be paidboth for their state job and their militaryduty while Guardsmen in the war zones collectonly the higher of the two salaries.Britain’s Local Governments Are Afraid ofEverything: 1) The Bedfordshire and LutonFire and Rescue Service issued rules recentlyrequiring the use of long poles to testhigh-up fire alarms because letting the firefightersuse stepladders might lead to injuries.2) The South Kesteven District Councildecided in May to no longer hoist the oversizedFlag of St. George outside BourneTown Hall on St. George’s Day because ofthe “risk” involved in using an 8-foot ladderon a plinth above a spoked gate.Small-Town Government “People Skills”:E-mails from Smithfield, Pa., TownshipSupervisor Christine Griffin, published inMay in the Pocono Record, confirmed thelongtime complaints of critics about herlack of diplomacy. In one official e-mail,Griffin wrote: “Don’t you dare waste mytime with your [expletive], you lying cheatingson of a [expletive], sneaky back door[expletive] nut [expletive] sucker.” In another:“[N]o cement boots for me! Nice trythough, a real drama rama! Reminder: I amthe quintessential professional! [D]ecorumand common sense are my bylaws!”THE EVOLUTION OF DEMOCRACY1) Kim Schroeder, running for vice presidentof the Milwaukee, Wis., Teachers’ EducationAssociation in May, promised a five-point program,with the first four being vows to makethe union more aggressive toward the schoolboard. His fifth point, he said, was “to makesure that there is … beer and wine availablefor our monthly Leaders’ Meetings.” (He lost.)2) Josko Risa finished second in the electionfor mayor of Prozolac, Croatia (population4,500), and was in a run-off on May 31because of (or despite) his campaign pledgeof (roughly translated) “All for me, nothing foryou” (or, “It is definitely going to be better forme but will be the same for you”). (Run-offresults from Croatia were not widely reported.)UNDIGNIFIED DEATHSTheir Last Words: 1) “A million dollars is alot of money to pay for a whore” were thelast words of multimillionaire French bankerEdouard Stern, according to his girlfriend,Cecile Brossard, who took offense (and wasconvicted of killing him in June in Geneva,Switzerland). 2) “Shoot me, shoot me,” you“ain’t got the [expletive]” were the lastwords (according to a police report) of ScottRiley, 25, who was arguing with the gunwieldingJoseph Jimenez, 24, about theirgame of beer pong in Bridgeport, Pa., in May.Visit Chuck Shepherd daily atwww.newsoftheweird.blogspot.com(or www.newsoftheweird.com).Send your Weird News to: Chuck Shepherd, PO Box18737, Tampa, FL 33679 or weirdnewstips@yahoo.com.©2009 UNIVERSAL PRESS SYNDICATE Convenient local office Convenient Money-saving local local discounts office Money-saving Low down payments discounts Low Low Monthly down paymentsplans Monthly 24-hour payment service and plansclaims 24-hour service and and claims732-2211 ext. 39041 Research Blvd. Suite 240Austin(Hwy 183 at Burnet Rd., above Black-Eyed Pea)Home, renters, and boat coverages are written through non-affiliated insurancecompanies and are secured through Insurance Counselors Inc, the GEICO Property Agency.Some Home,Home,discounts, renters,renters,coverages, andandboatboatcoveragescoveragespayment plans, arearewrittenwrittenand features throughthroughare non-affiliatednon-affiliatednot available insuranceinsuranceall states orcompaniescompaniesin all GEICO andandcompanies. arearesecuredsecured© throughthrough2007 GEICO. InsuranceInsuranceThe CounselorsCounselorsGEICO gecko Inc,Inc,the imagetheGEICOGEICO© GEICO PropertyProperty1999-2007 Agency.Agency.SomeSomediscounts,discounts,coverages,coverages,paymentpaymentplans,plans,andandfeaturesfeaturesarearenotnotavailableavailableininallallstatesstatesororininallallGEICOGEICOcompanies.companies.© 20072007GEICO.GEICO.TheTheGEICOGEICOgeckogeckoimageimage©©GEICOGEICO1999-20071999-2007a u s t i n c h r o n i c l e . c o m JULY 3, 2009 T H E A U S T I N C H R O N I C L E 53