Working with Battered Women: a Handbook for ... - Hot Peach Pages

• Faith: some religious groups may pressure women to stay in an abusive marriage—'tildeath do us part—which is sometimes exactly the case• Father: women are concerned about their children growing up without a father. Theyare reluctant to uproot their children from their home, pets, toys, schools and friends.Children desire a happy two-parent family. They usually love their father, but want hisabusive behavior to stop. They worry about him, and often blame their mother for theseparation.• Fatigue: the abuser keeps a women so focused on him and on the immediate present,she is too physically and emotionally exhausted to plan for a different future. He maydeprive her of sleep and food. He does not allow her to be sick. He forces her to workat one or more jobs, and to be solely responsible for the children and the household. Toavoid or minimize abuse, she learns to anticipate his every need at the cost of her own.She walks on eggshells, keeps the children quiet, tries to stay out of his way. Isolationand loss of self-esteem are also part of her overwhelming burden. She begins to seeherself as he defines her—fat, ugly, stupid, a bad mother, a bad lover, a badhousekeeper. He controls her entire life, what she does, whom she sees, and when andhow long she does it. He makes her believe she is going crazy. He begins to lie aboutunimportant things. She gets pulled into his agenda. He isolates her from family,friends, community resources, schooling and the work force, and her ability to conductreality checks is severely diminished. He controls her communication by not allowingher to speak on the phone, by listening in on phone calls, by opening and censoring hermail. She is not allowed access to a vehicle. She is locked in the house, or winter bootsand coats are locked in a closet, or the phone is locked in a box, or….• Fantasy and Forgiveness: She loves him. She doesn't want the relationship to end,just the abuse. He is not violent all the time. She believes the abuser's apologies andhopes he will change.• Familiar: It’s what she knows—she can’t imagine leaving to go to somethingunfamiliar.• The Cycle of Violence: Abusive behaviour usually follows a set pattern, which hasbeen termed the cycle of violence. Understanding the pattern also helps explain why itis difficult for women to leave:7