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The Quibbler
Xeno Lovegood: Editor - In - Chief
All owls to be sent to the Editor.
Friday October 31
Goblins Abduct Young Witch
Will There Be a New Goblin War?
The young miss Heartha Dreamer, 16 years old, who
was reported missing after a Hogsmeade visit last
spring, has now been found alive and healthy, if a bit
thin. Apparently none of the rumours after her disappearance
- which ranged from a voluntary elopement
to being abducted by Death Eaters – were
true. Her story of what really happened is chilling to
the bone.
After appearing at her home one rainy night, she
has been trying to convince everyone of the new
threat to our community which has grown in the
shadows… The Goblins are routing… As usual, however,
most people find her tale so alarming they
prefer to turn a blind eye! However, Miss Dreamer
has cordially agreed to give an interview for The
Quibbler, who has a long custom of listening to the
misunderstood youths in this world.
“There I was in Hogsmeade, minding my own
businesses, all alone, when a goblin appeared in
front of me. He gave me a letter that said that he
was to escort me to Gringotts, immediately, as I had
just won a lot of galleons in a draw and they needed
instructions on what to do with the money. I thought
it would be lovely to come back to Hogwarts with a
lot of gold and followed him willingly.” Miss
Dreamer sighs. “I should have known it was too
good to be true.” Indeed it was. The goblin took her
on Side-Along Apparition, but instead of ending up
in Diagon Alley, they ended up in front of a cave. At
this point she became a bit uneasy, but he assured
her it was just a branch of Gringotts and, in fact once
she followed him inside, she was led to a room full of
treasures. And what treasures! Everything inside was
Goblin-made: tiaras, swords, necklaces in pure gold
and silver, wonderful things.
“While I looked disbelievingly at the treasures,
the goblin suddenly went down on one knee and
proposed to me! He said he, Bardgook, had long admired
me on my visits to Gringotts, and he wanted
to inject my beauty into his goblin lineage, so that
his children would become so much more pretty. He
promised me that I could pick any two of the treasures
inside: one for myself to always wear as a token
of his regard for my beauty and wit, and one to send
to my father to keep in the family for generations to
come, as a ‘payment’ for me! I was flattered, of
course, -”, Miss Dreamer looks dreamingly out of
the window, but continues “- but of course it was out
of the question! When I declined, he
became very angry, and told me that he’d keep me
there until I changed my mind or died!” He was as
bad as his word, and kept her imprisoned in the cave
for months, never letting her see any shred of light,
just feeding her enough to keep her alive. All the
while teaching her the goblin way to do things, as he
was certain she would give in one day. “As the
months wore on, I trained on Apparition every
lonely moment I got, and eventually it took me all
the way home!” However, now she is worried about
his revenge. She is convinced the goblins will come
in union to claim her back, murdering anyone and
everything in their way.
Gringott’s denies any
knowledge of an abduction.
“It’s a pure slander,”
claimed one Gringott’s
employee.
“We wanted Aurors for her protection”, her worried
mother confesses, “but they denied there was
any need! In fact, they seemed thoroughly unconvinced
by her traumatic experiences, can you imagine?
The only thing they offered, was to send her to
St Mungo’s! As if that would be a safe place, seeing
as poor Gilderoy Lockhart went missing from there
a few months ago! It is a plot, I am sure, the goblins
are abducting all the good-looking people in the
world to enhance their looks in a few generations
time! Anyone can see that! Except the Ministry of
course, …” she finishes bitterly.
When The Quibbler sought Mr Potter (Head of
the Aurors) for a comment, he claimed that they
were indeed looking into where she had been for
the last few months. “However, ” he said, “we’re not
making any hasty judgements here. I find it quite
surprising, if she indeed has spent months with a
goblin, that she knows less about them than I do.
And while there might be reason to make sure the
young lady stays at her home, I am thoroughly convinced
she is safe from goblins.”
We at The Quibbler are less certain, and leave it up
to our readers to judge for themselves.
-By Evreka

Quibbler Exclusive
Ghosts Attack Muggle Neighbourhood
Ministry of Magic Cover-up Certain
Quibbler investigations have revealed evidence of yet another Ministry of Magic
cover-up.
There is reason to believe that last Tuesday evening MoM operatives were dispatched to
the home of Mr J. Harrington Blottsweller of Northwich, a Muggle, for the purpose of
modifying his memory and apparently the memories of his Muggle neighbours as well, all
in an e�ort to cover up a rather massive attack by ghosts. Whether this use of memory
modi�cation was an attempt to enforce the Statute of Secrecy or another attempt to cover
up Ministry incompetence is highly debatable. The Quibbler suspects the latter.
Apparently on Monday morning Mr Blottsweller awoke to discover that his “freezer”
was not working, and had not been working for several days. A “freezer” is a complex
Muggle device: a metal box using lekalricity to simulate a freezing charm. Apparently
Muggles use this device to prevent food spoilage. The cause of the failure of Mr
Blottweller’s freezer has not been revealed, though it is quite probable some form of
“Muggle-Baiting” was involved (with yet another MoM cover up). Mr Blottsweller had
been away on holiday for a week. “Nothing for it,” he told an undercover Quibbler
investigator posing as a parcel delivery worker. “It all had to go. A couple of trash
barrels of rotting food. Rather a stench, you know.”
Not having Scourgify or Evanesco spells, Muggles must physically dispose of such
things by a cooperative e�ort of rubbish collectiion taking place at regular intervals.
Mr Blottsweller’s collection was scheduled to take place Wednesday morning. He
placed he rubbish in bins set along the kerb. “The whole neighbourhood just reeked,”
said neighbour, Sylvia Pottswaller. “Disgusting.”
The Quibbler is produced by the usual Gang
of Suspects from The Leaky Cauldron:
CrazyChlojo, danae24, Doris TLC, Dragonslinger,
Dreamteam, Evreka, Hagiographer13,
Harry’s Horntail, Ihearprofessorsnape, Isabel,
libbysmom, lirene, LunasLion, Lunesta, Makani,
Mary Wanguard, Moose_Starr, Red Scharlach,
rowena r, Rudius Hagrid, SeverineSnape, Severitis,
wordsaremagic
As we all know, ghosts are attracted by such foul
conditions, apparently hoping that they may experience
some actual sensations remembered from life. It is
possible that hundreds of ghosts may have descended
upon the neighbourhood although none of the
neighbours report anything unusual other than the
stench.
This absence of memory seems clear evidence
that Ministry of Magic obliviators were involved,
since it is highly unlikely that ghosts could resist such
a “feast.” Naturally, any direct evidence of a gathering
of ghosts would be covered up. This absence of
evidence is clear proof of a cover up. One can
imagine the terror of these Muggles, who are, of
course, unaware of the essentially harmless nature
of ghosts. The Quibbler is pleased that no memory
remains, but condemns the Ministry of Magic for
hushing up the whole a�air.
Well known ghost, Nicholas de Mimsy-Porpington
of Hogwarts, denied any involvement but did add,
“We ghosts simply do not discuss the lives of others
who are also dead. Unwritten code of loyalty, you know.
Though, I wouldn’t put anything past that Headless
Hunt bunch—unprincipled group of arrogant ru�ans!”
As always, The Quibbler will continue to sni� out all
evidence of corruption and cover-up by government
o�cials.

Aberforth’s Page 3 Girls
(left to right) Kirsa, Freja, Ermalinda.
Simple, fun-loving country girls with a certain
continental sophistication.
Dung’s Heap: Kulture and Klass
Dear Readers:
I am not sure that the following document
was what Mundungus intended to send. It
may be that he confused this with whatever
he had written. In any case, this is what the
owl delivered, so I will share it with you.
Sincerely,
Xeno
Dear Mr. Fletcher:
Aurors of the Ministry of Magic’s Muggle
Liaison/Protection Department have filed an official
report that you have used a partial transfiguration
spell to impersonate a ghost in the presence of a
family of Muggles in East Dulwich. It is true that the
spell only transformed some Muggle lace curtains
into a glowing shroud, but there was still a definite
use of magic.
While our aurors suspect that you may have been
attempting a burglary, the fact that nothing was
taken makes assessment of you motives impossible.
Therefore, at the very least you are in violation of
the Statute of Secrecy. The normal procedure at this
point would be to dispatch aurors to take you and
your wand into custody.
However, since you are currently in St. Mungo’s as a
result of the burns you have received when the wand
in your back pocket discharged and caused the curtains
to explode, taking you into custody is hardly necessary.
We are, of course, pleased to hear that the
burns on your buttocks are being successfully treated
by St. Mungo’s healers and that you will soon be
released.
Nevertheless, you are required to attend a hearing at
the Minstry on the 15th of next month to investigate
the matter further.
The Muggles involved have, of course, had their
memories modified. They were naturally terrified at
the sight of an exploding ghost, but they are none the
worse for the experience
Have a nice day!
Mafalda Hopkirk
Malfalda Hopkirk
IMPROPER USE OF MAGIC OFFICE
Ministry of Magic

As a result of Xeno Lovegood’s
plea for wizards to help their coexisting
Muggle neighbours with
the “Global Swarming” a few
months ago, at least some wizards
and witches have racked their
brains. One of those who rose to
the challenge was Mr Oddy
Thinker, the famous Teer. Although
it’s unfamiliar ground for
Mr Thinker to plan ahead (instead
of analysing the past) this seemed
much too important to shy away
from, Mr Thinker explains. And, as
usual, his extraordinary ability to
think outside of the box may now
have brought us the ultimate solution!
Mr Thinker went straight to his
Muggle aunt to learn more of this
threat, and how it worked and,
after some initial confusion, she
was able to straighten out a few
things. Apparently the problem
isn’t as much “Global
Swarming’”as “Global’s Warming”
– which in turn, cause all the
Swarming going hay-wire. So to
stop it, we need to find a way to
cool the Globe down. What better
way to do this, than to lower the
temperature in the deserts?
As these happen to also be some
of the most poverty ridden areas,
the solution needs to be cheap
and easy to maintain. “The solution
I’ve reached have all those
benefits, ” Mr Thinker says,
bowing to our reporter, “what
better way to cool down an area, than
to have Dementors patrol it? They Considering that they’ve been
freeze the air around them, by just treated like the worst of scum for
showing up! This ingenious idea of generations, this would be the De-
mine also, finally, defines a good purmentors’ chance to get a place to call
pose for the – so far – foulest of crea- home. Like the prisoners deported to
tures. About time, really, that they got Australia during the 18th and 19th
a part of the Earth where they are wel- centuries, who later helped shape
come!“
the country into its modern state, the
When The Quibbler’s reporter Dementors might become respected
questioned whether they WOULD, members of the world if they help to
really, be welcomed by the resident cool down the deserts, and hence
Africans, Mr Thinker jovially replied: stop the Warming and Swarming!
“The Africans need a stop to the Can we afford to let this chance go?
Warming and Swarming as much as The answer to that depends on
the rest of us. No-one can deny this who you ask, apparently. When The
would be a step in the right direction, Quibbler spoke to the African
and they already have so many dangers Wizard Mokago Mbele, he paled
in that part of the world, one more considerably, claiming the area had
dangerous creature won’t be any big enough problems without having to
deal. Besides, if Mr Lovegood and my deal with a bunch of Dementors as
aunt are right, not stopping the Warm- well, thank you very much! Mr
ing will be dangerous too.”
Thinker, however, plans to raise the
Mr Thinker also speaks of the im- question to the Ministry of Magic
portance of giving everyone a fair and demand that they help see it
chance. He thinks that we must see the done! The Quibbler will keep you
benefits of the race of Dementors as posted in how this goes, as always.
well!
By Evreka

Aurors Behind the Rise
of the Dark Lords
The famous statistician Ding Diagram has uncovered a
shocking connection between the number of active
Aurors and the amount of trouble from Dark Arts practitioners.
Far from being our society’s ultimate defence
against worshippers of the Dark Arts, Aurors clearly feed
the violence and increase the problems! As surprising as
this revelation is, the evidence from Mr Diagram’s statistics
is overwhelming.
Mr Diagram has studied the ratio between the
number of Aurors and their activities on the one hand,
and the amount of troubles from Dark Art lovers, including
all self-procclaimed “Dark Lords” and their activities
on the other. The research covers several European countries
during the last century. This impressive statistics
clearly shows that the number of Dark Arts lovers is
directly proportional to the number of active Aurors!
“However disbelieving one feels at first, “ Mr Diagram
says, “it is impossible to disregard the fact that the three
periods with the most active Aurors coincide with the
times when the worst Dark Lords in memory have been
‘Rising’.” And, indeed, anyone trying to shrug this off as
coincidence will have to reconsider. First the 1940’s
when an increasing number of Aurors in central Europe
coaxed Grindelwald into an attempt to gain power, then
the 1970’s when our Brittish Aurors managed the same
with You-Know-Who. At first You-Know-Who wasn’t so
very bad, but as the number of Aurors grew alarmingly
and they became more aggressive, so did he. “And it
wasn’t even an Auror who ended the Battle of the
70-80’s, but a small kid! I mean to say, it’s highly suspicious
the Aurors could not stop the mayhem if they really
tried when a mere baby could! ” Mr Diagram says shaking
his head. “And the evidence don’t end there. While You-
Know-Who is widely known to have made his come-back
to life in June 1995, he remained largely passive, even
peaceful, for over a year. At the end of that year, however,
the Aurors once again swarmed over our country –
and sure enough it didn’t take long until we had a fullyfledged
riot upon us! And again, he was finally stopped,
not by an Auror but by a mere 17 year-old young man.“
Asked why the Aurors would want to increase the trouble
instead of cease it, Mr Diagram explains that a statistician
only brings forth the statistics whereas other
researchers are involved in explaining the ‘howcome’.
Spend some time with the Crafty Witches
http://www.the-leaky-cauldron.org/features/crafts
When we add in the long peaceful decades with
few, passive Aurors and the peace we have all enjoyed
then, there is only one conclusion to draw: to achieve
lasting peace we need to get rid of our Aurors, or at
least spread them out as thin as possible over our
country. Keeping them at the Ministry in droves, is to
beg for trouble!
When The Quibbler sought Mr Shacklebolt to hear
how the Ministry would go about decreasing the
Aurors and how quickly it could be done, he refused
an interview but suggested that Mr Diagram might do
some ‘research’ on the difference between cause and
effect.
Mr Diagram shrugged this off, “Clearly the man is
at a loss for counter-arguments, but hopefully he’ll
come around before the Aurors create yet another
Dark Lord Rising…”
-By Evreka

Letters to the Editor
Mr Editor Lovegood!
Currently visiting I am with good friends
in Godric’s Hollow, recovering from nasty
hit by Bludger over the summer when I see
your so called newspaper! Not too surprised
should I be of any conclusions by a
man choosing to use Grindelwald’s sign as a
token, but in fact I am.
I never thought to see even a selfproclaimed
journalist like you not to be
able to tell of the significance of the punctuation!
There is, actually, a telling difference
between a top saying K.RUM and one
saying KRUM. Not to mention that any top
of mine says V.KRUM.
Karl Rum happens to be as famous a
dragon wrestler as I am famous Seeker. He
seeks them out to find sparring partners,
but I still have nightmares of my one encounter!
Certainly hope I do not have of
ever meeting such a creature again!
A full apology shall I expect in your next
edition!
Sincerely,
Seeker Viktor Krum
Dear whoever you are:
The Quibbler stands by its original story. I
have personally met and spoken with the real
Victor Krum, at a wedding a number of years
ago. I do not believe that you are he. First, the
real Victor Krum is almost fearless, as anyone
who saw his performance at the Triwizard
Tournament will tell you. Your claims about
having nightmares give you away.
Second, Victor Krum speaks with a heavy
accent. Your command of English grammar is
obviously too good to be from Krum.
Dear Readers:
Recently Flourish and Blotts bookstore sent us
the following article in an attempt to promote
a new product. We of The Quibbler are quite
concerned about the dangers of this product.
We suspect it to be another Ministry of Magic
attempt at mind control. We will let you be the
judge.
Radically New Educational Experience!
Today Flourish and Blotts announced exclusive retail
rights to a totally new idea in education: The Simulated
Experiential Memory Implantation Text.
The concept of embedding specific memories
("mnemones," the program developers have dubbed
them) into a book is, of course, not a new magical technology,
but a new application of an existing magic that
in the past has, unfortunately, been associated only
with the Dark Arts. The developers assure the public that
no Dark Arts are involved and that all texts will be
reviewed for safety by an independent board of warlocks.
First, the student—or rather the student's parent or
guardian—selects the appropriate texts (no texts will be
sold directly to any underage witch or wizard). For example,
the text may be something like Magical Fungi of
the Scottish Highlands by Professor Neville Longbottom
(the developers are currently attempting to negotiate
an agreement to do this very text with the famous professor.)
Then the student will open the small text, with
what essentially look like blank pages. The student will
sign his or her name on the first page (after that, no
other student can use the same book).
The text will then ask, in writing, "are you ready at this
time?" If the student replies "yes," the book will draw the
student into a memory experience of walking through
the Scottish Highlands with the famous herbologist as he
lectures on the various magical species found there,
showing the student where to look and how to gather
and preserve each specimen. The memory experience
is multi-sensational. That is, it contains, sounds, sights,
and smells; yet, the experience is completely safe. (If,
for instance, they come upon a dangerous Acromantula,
there is no danger of actually being eaten, and at
the same time they get to watch how an expert deals
with the unexpected.)
At the present, the developers, using the company
name "MnemonesRUs" have developed texts only in
Astronomy and Muggle Relations (students are walked
through the daily lives of Muggles while shopping, banking,
etc.). There are plans for other subjects in addition
to the Herbology text already mentioned: Arithmancy,
and Magical Creatures are also on the list.
Currently there are no plans for non-educational
texts, at least until the Ministry of Magic sets forth some
regulations regarding the potential for obscene content.
What do you think of this insidious attempt to
bypass the basic elements of the learning experience
and to shape the mind by devious means?
Post your comments--as well as any questions,
concerns, or responses here:
http://www.leakylounge.com/October-2008-
Quibbler-t65264.html&pid=1695215#entry1695215
If you think you have an article or story worth
submitting, send it here:
quibbler@the-leaky-cauldron.org

Where’s Gilderoy?
Oh my goodne�, I seem to have done it again. It seems to be quite warm here but the people here are so nice and loud
and colourful and obviously recognise me, no doubt due to my many adventures and triumphs which are described in
some books I seem to have wri�en, strange that I can't quite remember all the details. I was invited to someone's
house, very strange, th� were cooking meat on some strange device that looked like an outdoor Floo grate. ��
invited me to share their meal and it was rather tasty, I must say. �e views �om the garden � the house are amazing,
I can see this strange building that looks like a giant dropped a pile � enormous white sea shells by the water
side. �� call it the Orpa... Oprah... well Muggles go there to to listen to music, or so I'm told, and there's a large
bridge that goes over the river. As I turn to watch the city, I get dizzy in the glowing sun... and
...suddenly I seem to be out in the countryside, or "backout" as I heard one
? wizard call it, near a large red mountain with a f lat top and I can see some
strange two-headed animals, one head is in the usual place but then there's
a smaller head, poking out � its middle as well! Must be the result � some
wizard's �perimental breeding. Oh dear its jumping and heading rather
quickly this way, well I'd b�er get out � its way and find shade somewhere, you can't win Witch Weekly's most Charming
Smile Award five times if you're all wrinkled! ... Ooops-a-dai�, how did this happen? I find myself in a boat, together
with l�s � weird looking Muggles some � whom wear bathing suits and a strange chimn� �om their mouths and up
above their heads. �� also have some strange gla�es and now th� dive into the water! I'm being ushered to the rail,
and as I look down into the turquoise water, I see strange formations below the surface, as if we're above a beautiful
underwater mountain with interesting wildlife. I simply must get down to this wonderful place, so well befi�ing to my
own good looks, I jump but before I hit the water, the world d�olves in �ont � me and once again I get this suffocating
feeling pre�ing in on meeeee.......
Dear Luna!
How do you go about marrying a
pumpkin head? I carved mine into a
lovely young man‛s head and then
bewitched it to come alive. And Mr
Pumpkin is just as kind and funny
and lovely and sweet as I could
ever hope for! We love each other
intensely and I just want it to be
official! He first worried about
presenting me with a ring, but I‛m
sure I can conjure a body for him
as well, the only problem is what if
we won't be able to find anyone
who will tie us into matrimony?
What if whoever agrees to perform
the ceremony hurts Mr Pumpkin's
feelings with snide remarks? Any
advice would be most appreciated!
Miss Pump Charmer
Oh my! Miss Pump, I am afraid I really don’t know
very much about the etiquette involved in cross
species or cross kingdom nuptials--Rolf and I
served chocolate cupcakes with pumpkin juice,
but I fear that might not be appropriate in this
case.
If it is anti-fruit and vegetable prejudice you
fear, I would suggest that you bewitch some other
plant to perform the ceremony, perhaps a potato.
Yes, as a rule potatos are very reliable and
polite, not at all given to rude comments.
And while many people are vegetarians and
serve no meat at their wedding party, I would suggest
that you serve only meat, so as not to offend
the potential guests (carrots, melons, and such).
I would say “have a pudding,” but since many
puddings are flavored with plant extracts such as
chocolate or vanilla, that might not be appropriate.
Treat yourself to a leg of lamb!
Sincerely,
Luna

Wizudoko
Xeno‛s Puzzle Page
E A D C G H F
G B F A
B E I C
E C D H
B F H
F E G I
I H C A
B I D C
G A F B D E I
Padma was delighted to get owl responses from five old Hogwarts classmates
(including Terry). Since she hadn‛t seen any of them for several years, she
suggested that they get together for a meal. Three friends wanted to meet
Padma for dinner, while the other two wanted to meet for lunch. Padma and
each of her friends selected a date on which to meet and a restaurant in
which to dine. No two friends selected either the same date or the same
restaurant. Each restaurant is located in a different town (including Hogsmeade).
1. Hannah will be meeting Padma for dinner at the Wand and Pitcher in
Godrics Hollow.
2. The dinner date with Hermione is set for October 1. Susan is not the
person meeting Padma at the Three Broomsticks.
3. Padma will meet someone at The Leaky Cauldron in London exactly 12
days after she meets with Mandy.
4. One of Padma‛s friends will meet her for dinner at McDonalds in Merton
exactly 12 days after her dinner date with Susan at the restaurant in
Perth.
From the information provided, determine the friend Padma is meeting
for each meal and the date (September 1, September 7, September 13,
September 19, or October 1) they have chosen to meet, as well as
the restaurant they have selected (one is the Green Dragon) and
the town it is located in. (Note: there are 30 days in September)
Friend Date Restaurant Town
This simple transposition cipher
is intended for our non-Ravenclaw
readers (who are definitely not
“square”).
Ollivander‛s Observation:
IVERR NHTXF REEPY DATWE
ERVOS IPHHA MYETI TPEOT
EWRTN JEPSH MASEG UNHEE
BNORL SSOTR EDLEE TTEAI
RIDVW SHNIS EVMEA OAILQ
If you can solve this simple cipher, or the
logic puzzle below, write up your solution
and post it at
http://www.leakylounge.com/October-2008-Quibbler-t65264.html

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THE place for Harry
Potter essays
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Trick, or Treat?
Cornelius Cooks
Creepy Crawly Cakes
Ingredients for cakes
4 eggs
225g/8oz sugar
225g/8oz self-raising �our
225g/8oz butter, melted
For the icing
170g/6oz icing sugar
110g/4oz butter
55g/2oz cocoa powder, sifted
To decorate
Spiders, cockroaches, other beetles (squeamish Muggles
could use marzipan, chocolate or plastick versions)
Method
1. Preheat the oven to 180C/350F/Gas 4/Moderate Dragon
heat and prepare two 12-hole tartlet tins with fairy cake
cases.
2. Cast a whisking spell on the eggs and sugar until light and
�u�y.
3. Gradually add the �our and the butter, folding the mixture
together gently.
4. Pour the mixture carefully into the fairy cake cases.
5. Bake the cakes for 10-15 minutes, until golden on top and a
skewer carefully inserted into one of the cakes comes out
clean. Allow to cool for ten minutes on a wire rack before
removing from the tin.
6. To make the icing, use a whipping spell on the icing sugar,
butter and cocoa powder.
7. Once the cakes are cool, ice them liberally.
8. Decorate the cakes with spiders and cockroaches (if using real
ones, stun them �rst to stop them crawling away)
Suggest a caption for this image, posting it at
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The Ministry of
Magic reminds you
that unlicensed
breeding of magical
creatures is ILLEGAL
Join the fun at
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