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herlife | mother’s perspectiveShould You Stay Married forthe Sake of the Children?Being honest with your kids that your marriage is not exactly howyou wished it would be allows them to note the failure and aimhigher for their own marriages.by natasha loganUnfortunately, most of us know at least one married couplewho constantly bicker in front of people. Worse yet, theyoften do it in front of their kids. If asked why they don’t justget divorced, they state that they are staying married for the sake oftheir kids. But does it really benefit children for their parents to staytogether in an unhealthy relationship?According to licensed social worker Mel Schwartz, “Divorceneeds to be well considered, and navigating the children through thisprocess should be undertaken with insight, reflection and empathy.”But what about the kids who grow up in intact homes wherethey witness parents who are unloving, conflicted and unable toagree with one another? Few consider the consequences that modelingthis type of bad marriage behavior ensures the likelihood that ourchildren will probably repeat those behaviors in their own marriages.Or what about the parents who mistakenly believe that their childrendon’t know “anything’s wrong.” This results in the parents normalizinga dysfunctional and disappointing marriage instead of telling theirchildren the truth. Being honest with your kids that your marriage isnot exactly how you wished it would be allows them to note the failureand aim higher for their own marriages.Schwartz reiterates that more than any proscribed model for marriage,the best thing we can show our children is a level of authenticity—onewhere we face fears and challenges head on, and don’t backaway. If making the choice to stay married, commit to the processand model that commitment for your children. If your marriage isdisappointing and does not provide for joy in your life, then be honest34 HERLIFEnewyork.com
about it and face it. We show our children how healthy relationshipsfunction when we “face our fears, embrace them and choose to staymarried from a healthy place of growth and hopefulness, not to succumbto the deprivation of a joyless life.”Christine Carter, Ph.D., sociologist, educator, parent and authorof Raising Happiness, researched many studies about whether parentsshould stay married or not, and determined that it is the quality ofthe parents’ relationship with each other, not whether or not they’remarried, that has the most impact on children. Since kids learn fromtheir parents how to handle conflict, any anger or negative emotions acouple display around their children is going to have a negative effect.This can often result in a child acting out, being withdrawn, and havingfewer social and academic skills. And sadly, some of that conflictis misdirected toward children which results in a double whammy ofnot only having parents who don’t get along, but also being on thereceiving end of those distilled emotions.According to Carter, it’s not impossible to fix your marriage,but you must determine how high-conflict your marriage is, howunhappy you are and whether or not you can fix these things. Americansused to have two mindsets when thinking about divorce: youeither just stayed married, no matter what, or you divorced and wereexpected to fight.Finally, William C. Spohn, a Presidential Professor of Ethicsand the Common Good at Santa Clara University, weighs in that toomany Americans buy into the myth that children are better off if theirparents divorce. Statistics show that 45 percent of all American childrencan expect their parents to split up before they’re 18 years old.He explained that marriage used to be viewed as an ethicalobligation to others—yet now it’s seen as an obligation to one’s self.As such, the standard for a successful marriage became individualhappiness, and parents started putting their interests before those oftheir children, resulting in a high divorce rate. Studies conducted onlarge populations of “divorced” children over time show that the effectson children were devastating. Children from divorced familieshad greater emotional problems, early sexual experimenting, delinquency,teen pregnancy, drug use and more school drop-outs. Spohnfurther explained that long-term studies show that “their parents’ inabilityto sustain the relationship that counted most to them and thesubsequent loss of connection to their fathers seem to have erodedthese young peoples’ sense of identity and ability to trust others andcommit themselves.”He agrees that in the case of marriages with severe abuse andphysical violence (which comprise about 10 to 15 percent of marriages),divorce is justified and better for the children. But for theremaining marriages marked by emotional disconnection, dissatisfactionor affairs, adults are more resilient than children and shouldnot only stay in the marriage to help their family flourish, but to alsoimprove their relationship. ■Sources for this article are psychologytoday.com, huffingtonpost.com and scu.edu.HERLIFEnewyork.com 35
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