Volume 3 – A Year of Sitting Painfully - The Woody Back to School Unit

Published 2009byWoodettes PublicationsHouston, Texas, USA© Woodettes Publications 2009R Humphries has asserted his right to be identified asthe author of this work with all rights reservedincluding the right of reproduction in whole or in partin any form.The Library of Congress has catalogued this edition asfollows Humphries, R [date]A Year of Sitting Painfully : a novel by R Humphries1st Ed.ISBN 978-0-578-02892-7www.woodettes.wordpress.com

Author’s NoteThis is a work of fiction. Names, characters,places and incidents are either the product of theauthor's imagination or are used fictitiously. Anyresemblance to actual events or locales or persons,living or dead, is entirely coincidental.The stories based at the Woody Back to SchoolUnit are works of adult fiction based upon the real-lifefantasy games played by the author, R. Humphriesand his wife, the inimitable Jojo.It is the author’s intent to create the WoodyBack to School Unit as an imaginative world peopledwith a believable cast and set in familiar surroundingswithin which the readers will become comfortable.The vernacular used in the stories is acombination of the phraseology derived from writingsuch as the British penny comics from the nineteenthirties, current language, slang and idioms, and theinvented parlance known as Woody Jargon.As such references to ‘beating’, ‘thrashing’, and‘flogging’ have no context to the use or avocation ofphysical violence, with the exception of controlledcorporal punishment, against the characters of thestories.

ContentsA Rambunctious Return .............................. 1Brats at Risk ................................................. 5A Grubby Life ................................................ 9Even Brats Have Rights ............................ 13A Flogging for Spanker Spage ................. 17Ms Lawton’s Exit Strategy ....................... 21Hurricane Jojo ............................................ 25Never a Truer Word Spoken in Jest ....... 29Absolutely Creamed ................................... 33Miss Lisa Sutton ......................................... 37Miss Bernadette Summers ....................... 41Bogus Whops ............................................... 45Low Riders ................................................... 49Stalker .......................................................... 53Highly Recommended ................................ 57Hand Gabbing ............................................. 61Nixdown and Penelope Ann ..................... 65Melons .......................................................... 69Not a Good Time for Six ........................... 73A Painful Journey ....................................... 77The Dirty Dozen .......................................... 81A Wriggler and a Giggler .......................... 85Miss Claire Brooks ..................................... 89Bad Times for Spanker Spage ................. 93Sniff Test ..................................................... 97The Sacking of Spanker Spage .............. 101

1A Rambunctious ReturnThe first week that the inmates of the WoodyBack to School unit returned to the facility followingthe Christmas furlough was a notoriouslyrambunctious time. The inmates had difficultyadjusting back to the strict regime of tutorials,lectures, supervised recreation and lock-downs.The austere imposition of the zero-toleranceprogram code-named Operation Scorched Arse madethe twelve inmates Ms Lawton had branded the ‘DirtyDozen’ particularly vulnerable. The corridors werequickly filled with the sounds of canes, straps andslippers rebounding from tautened navy-bluegossamer bumbags.It was a good time for Patty Hodge and hercohorts on the Radical Right and they went intoaction with religious zeal. Canings in the lecturerooms were at a premium as the Brass sought toreassert its power over the mischievous inmates.It was good time for Yvonne Godfrey and hersycophantic disciples amongst the Secret Sorority of

A Year of Sitting PainfullyThe inmates assumed that the new garments,straight out of their packaging, would be in pristinecondition and rarely checked them thoroughly. To herdelight Katie had found this expectation to be fatallyflawed. During the first week of term she personallyinspected every item of clobber handed in for laundry.She found many garments with factory flaws such ashanging threads or badly stitched seams. During thefirst week of term Katie slippered over a dozenstartled inmates on charges of handing in theirclobber in an abusive state.As usual Penelope Ann Evans, the Red-shirt atthe facility, vainly tried to curb the sadistic practicesof Yvonne’s heinous SS but Patty Hodge lambastedher and prohibited her from taking her concerns tothe Grand Dame.If the whop-rate during the opening week wasany kind of gauge the inmates of the Woody Back toSchool unit predicted hot and sweaty times ahead ofthem.

2Brats at RiskOne of the most critical roles amongst the Elitewas the position of Senior Brat Draper. She hadoverall responsibility for monitoring the progress ofthe Brat mentoring program.Penny Ann had been fiercely opposed to theproposal of Juliet Spage to fulfill the role. However,she was locked in a stalemate with Patty Hodge, theDeputy Grand Dame of the facility. Patty wasdetermined to veto Cathryn Cassidy from beingappointed in a senior role in the Elite organization.Pen was equally adamant that she would reject thenominations of Yvonne or Janet Mitchell. Pattyproposed Juliet Spage as a compromise.Unfortunately for Penelope Ann with her other allies,Melanie White and the Butcher Twins, alreadyappointed in key roles she did not have a suitablealternative candidate. She was forced to accede.Penelope Ann had good reasons for opposingJuliet. The two gals had history. Several years earlierPen had been mucking out the stables when she had

A Year of Sitting Painfullysmelled smoke. She had hurried to find the sourceand discovered a bale of hay burning in one of thestalls. Fortunately, there hadn’t been any animalsnearby and she was able to quell the fire without anyharm apart from smoke damage.There was an enquiry and a root causeanalysis was performed. Several cigarette ends werefound, along with two half-drunk cans of importedJamaican brew. When Penny had been dashing tofind the fire she had spotted Juliet Spage and JayneUnderly fleeing the scene.Penny Ann had been interrogated and MsLawton accepted that she was an innocent party andthat her quick response had saved the stables frommore severe damage. However, the Grand Dame wasconvinced that Pen knew who the culprits were andwasn’t saying. She proceeded to sweat Penny on adaily basis demanding her to give up the names. Itwas a disagreeable time for Penny Ann.Finally Ms Lawton gave Pen an ultimatum,either give up the culprits or she would be publiclyflogged for withholding evidence during Friday’sCallover.Penny even refused to tell her closest chumsthat Juliet and Jayne were responsible. Melanie andCat counseled her that nobody would consider her asnitch under the circumstances but Penny Ann Evansstayed schtum.On Friday evening Penny Ann appeared onstage dressed in whopping bags. Ms Lawtonaddressed the assembled inmates and demanded thatthe culprits come forward. When there was noresponse she gave Penny Ann a last opportunity tohelp her in her enquiries. Once again Pen refused and

7seemed resigned to bending over the vaulting horseto receive her first ever public flogging.Ms Lawton was a pragmatist. There was littlebenefit in punishing an innocent party and it wasclear that the true culprits were never going to comeforward. She dismissed Penny from the stage with herwhopping bags intact and filed her case notes underthe category of ‘Unsolved Mystery.’Penelope Ann Evans and Juliet Spage hadrarely spoken since the incident.Katie Beck was particularly pleased by theappointment of Juliet Spage as Senior Brat Draper.She possessed many qualities that Katie consideredmade her a potentially all-time great Serial Spanker.Juliet had already pledged her support to theSS and was a sycophantic disciple of Yvonne Godfrey.She was a notorious bully and most importantly shewas extremely malleable.“They’d better cover their arses, I’m coming inspanking,” she assured Katie.Katie expected great things of Juliet Spage.It was not a good time to be a Little Brat. TheBrats most at risk were those who had been allocatedto grub for members of the SS. Disciplinary drapingsand sporting spankings were at a premium. Grubby’swere routinely turned over the knees of their PersonalDrapers to have their bumbags dusted.If that wasn’t bad enough Juliet Spageestablished a slew of new performance criteria thatshe insisted the Little Brats complied with. Eachevening she would summons one of the Brat Pack to

A Year of Sitting Painfullyher study and chide them for poor performancebefore putting them over her knee.She boasted to her chums over her dailybumbag dustings. She introduced a new recreationfor the SS. Often she would summons someunfortunate grubby to her own study and have hertoast crumpets in the fireplace. While the grubby wasbent over Juliet and her SS friends would gleefully firepellets at the grubby’s arse with high-poweredcatapults. The SS considered this pastime rib ticklingfun.The unfortunate Brats were not so amused andbegan to refer to her as Spanker Spage.

3A Grubby LifeBrat Rights had never been a high priority. MsLawton knew that every year twelve of the nationsmost Extreme Ladettes would be handed into hercustody to embark on their programs of ExtremeSocial Rehabilitation.These young women were generally infamousfor their wild partying and boisterous behavior. TheGrand Dame knew that it was imperative that theywere immediately inducted into the rules, regulationsand protocols and cured of any truculent or rebellioustendencies.She could think of no better way to bring thenew inmates into line than to have them act asgrubby’s and to spend some quality mentoring timehead down, arse up across the laps of the Brass andthe Elite.The practice of grubbing was steeped inhistory. It was originally a term used in Edwardianprivate boarding schools where miscreant gals were

A Year of Sitting Painfullysent out to grub around in the gardens as punishmentfor misbehavior.When the pioneering suffragettes, theLawrence Sisters, founded the original Woody Schoolin 1857 they offered the new entrants a full academiccurriculum which had only previously been availableto the young male population.They fashioned their school on the strictacademic and disciplinary principles of Eton andWinchester, including introducing the grubbingprogram that was a variation of the tradition of‘fagging’ that had originated at the two schools duringthe 16 th Century.Woodys was a huge success and waspopulated by the daughters of the nation’s nobility,landed gentry, intellectuals and influential politicians.In a memoir authored by the Duchess ofMeddlethorpe, one of the first females to sit inparliament she laments, “During my first months as aWoody gal I was draped across the knees of myGrub-mistress as often as three times a week to bespanked for failing to grub up to the expectedstandards.” However, she also admits that her time asa grubby set her in good stead to face up to thechallenges of life ahead of her.During her first year as a boarder at theoriginal Woody School Ms Lawton had been enteredinto the Brat Mentoring program and assigned aPersonal Draper.Between cleaning, scrubbing and runningendless errands she took frequent trips across herDraper’s knee to be spanked for any shortcomings,perceived or otherwise.

11Although the practice of grubbing had largelybeen phased out in the conventional educationsystem Ms Lawton elected to resurrect the practicewhen the Woody Back to School unit had opened itsdoors a decade earlier.Even Penelope Ann’s liberal allies paid littleheed to the plight of the Little Brats. They had allbeen subjected to the same program and reasonedthat the Brats should consider themselves lucky to begetting off with hand-spankings instead of having thecane taken to their arses. Brat Rights were low ontheir agenda.Spanker Spage religiously reported the detailsof her daily dustings to Katie Beck. Katie wouldstretch the rules and pour Spanker a glass of winewhile she enjoyed spank-by-spank accounts of Juliet’slatest successes.The unit matron encouraged Juliet to be moreadventurous. Over the past few years, she explained,the Brat Protocols had changed. Ever since Ms Lawtonhad established the precedent of caning JoannaHeyworth during her Bratyear several other ne’er-dowellshad been inducted into the Beaten Brat Club.Katie suggested that Spanker could use thethreat of filing applications for certain Brats to bebeaten for serial malfeasance to her advantage. Katieoffered Spanker the loan of several of her collectionof leather-soled slippers.“They will much prefer a slippering than a visitto the Beak for the cane,” Katie assured Spanker,pouring her another glass of wine. “Just be prudent,dear Spanker, be very, very prudent.”

A Year of Sitting PainfullyAt first Spanker followed Katie’s advise. Shelimited her illicit slippering activity to the unfortunatebacksides of the personal grubby’s of her croniesamongst the SS.Under the threat of being caned by Ms Lawtonher victims dismally acceded to repairing to hiddenareas of the vast compound to have their rumpspummeled with the unforgiving slippers.As Spanker’s illicit dustings continued withoutcomment or reprimand her confidence grew and shebecame increasingly cocksure.It was not a good time to be a grubby.

4Even Brats Have RightsJennifer Gardiner was draped face downwardsacross Spanker Spage’s lap with her skirt turned backand her bumbags concertinaed around her ankles.Spanker was applying the leather sole of one ofKatie’s slippers to Jennifer’s backside with extremevigor.“What the dickens?” asked Ms Lummell inamazement. “What the devil do you think you’re up toSpage? Release her immediately!”Juliet Spage stared aghast at the Riding Dame.This was not supposed to have happened. She hadcarefully planned the slippering to coincide with astaff meeting scheduled by Ms Lawton and a ridingparty to be out on the Downs. The stables weresupposed to empty. She gaped at Ms Lummell.“I said release her!” snapped the Dame tartly.Slowly Juliet turned down Jennifer’s skirt andhelped her to her feet. Jen crouched down andretrieved her bumbags and slipped them back intoplace. She threw a hostile glance at Spanker.

A Year of Sitting PainfullyJane Lummell wasted no time; she barreleddown on Spanker and yanked her to her feet. Shespan the prefect around and took a tight grip on thescruff of her neck.“Come with me!” she said authoritatively.Juliet could do nothing but splutter and complyas she was hustled out of the stables under a fullcollar.The quadrangle and recreation areas werebustling with activity but everybody stopped as theinmates witnessed the unusual sight of a member ofthe Elite being subjected to a collaring.Juliet was an immensely unpopular member ofthe community and was one of the most activepractitioners of the fine art of collaring. There waslittle sympathy for her plight.“This is Elite business, Jane,” said Patty Hodgesmoothly. “I’ll take care of Miss Spage myself.”“I brought her here first out of courtesy,” saidJane Lummell firmly. “She’s going up before the Beak.Even Brats have rights, whether you like it or not. I’mgiving you the opportunity to accompany us, Patricia,but I really couldn’t care less one way or the other.”Patty scowled. “There is no need to be hasty,I’m sure that there is a perfectly good explanation,why don’t we let Miss Spage give us her version ofevents?”Jane Lummell shook her head. “She’s comingwith me,” she said spinning Juliet around and shovingher towards the door. “Are you coming, Patricia?”

15Jane Lummell was a good old-fashioned jollyhockey sticks kind of cove. She served in the dual roleof Dame in Charge of Physical Education and Riding.She fulfilled both roles with enthusiasm anddedication and was well-liked by the inmates. Shegenerously gave up considerable amounts of her freetimewith Deborah Morton and Rachel Cox to keepthem in shape to eventually resume their tenniscareers. She also helped numerous other celebrityathletes that had fallen foul of the Systems anti-Ladetting laws.Jane was a fully paid up member of the LiberalLeft of the Brass and was tight with Dotty Hammell,Stephanie Powell and Pauline Gascoigne. She wasconsidered generally minx-friendly, nonetheless shewas a strict disciplinarian and was lethal with both herover-sized rubber-soled plimsoll and her braidedriding crop. She was considered reliable by theinmates and when she instructed them to bend overfor whops there was rarely much doubt that theywere well-deserved.Juliet Spage was not holding up well underinterrogation. Patty did her best to intercede, claimingthat protocols had been broken and that she had thefirst right of interview. It was not that she cared twofigs about the fate of Spanker Spage; she just didn’twant the Grand Dame poking around in Radical Rightbusiness.Ms Lawton fixed Patty with a withering glare.“This is bullying business, Patricia,” she said sharply,“and that is my business.”

A Year of Sitting PainfullyPatty just shrugged. “You’re quite right,Susan,” she said unctuously and turned on Juliet.“Well Spage, aren’t you going to explain yourself?”she snapped spitefully. “The cat got your tongue?”Dolefully, Spanker Spage stared down at thefloor.At first the prefect had claimed that theslippering was an isolated incident and she apologizedprofusely, even agreeing that a flogging wasappropriate. However, further probing soon exposedthe scale of the brutality she had inflicted upon thehelpless Little Brats.

5A Flogging for Spanker Spage“Hand over your tie, blazer, badges and yourashplant,” the Grand Dame informed Juliet Spage infront of the assembled inmates. “You are formallystood down from the Elite.”Juliet hung her head in shame. Tears rolleddown her cheeks as she shrugged off her blazer andhanded it Penelope Ann Evans. She loosened her tieand unknotted it and handed that over too.“My ashplant’s in my study,” she muttered.“It will no longer be your study, Spage,” MsLawton informed her coldly. “For the remainder ofyour sentence you will reside in the Brat Dorm and bereturned to the Brat program. You will wear fullclobber and I shall arrange for you to be scheduled infor grubbing duties. Although you will continue youreducational curriculum as normal, to all extents andpurposes you are now a Little Brat.”Juliet continued to sob.Ms Lawton looked over her classes. “You are inthe final year of your Social Rehabilitation Programand you now have only six months left to prove to me

A Year of Sitting Painfullythat you have reformed. I shall be watching youcarefully and I’m putting you on notice that if I seeany signs of repetition of your bullying tendencies Iwill formally flunk you and send you before a SpecialDisciplinary hearing of the System. Now bend overthe horse. I intend to flog you soundly.”The poor beleaguered Little Brats watchedwith satisfaction as Spanker Spage folded her frameover the vaulting horse. She had not gone quietly,she had wept and pleaded that she was notresponsible. She blamed Patty and Katie and Yvonnefor instructing her to perform the illicit slipperings. MsLawton curtly cut her short and instructed her to bendover the horse.“I will have you held down if necessary,” shepromised Spanker.Spanker made a muff of herself. She squealedand screamed and kicked up such a brouhaha thatthe watching inmates had to hide their mouths withtheir hands to keep from giggling.There was no question that public floggingswere tough duty. Being folded in half across avaulting horse with the full compliment of the inmatesand Brass staring at her upturned arse was no fun fora gal. Nonetheless, ever since April Turner had takenthe first ever public flogging in stoic silence theWoody gals had prided themselves in the mannerwith which they conducted themselves when obligedto grace the stage.

19Ms Lawton sighed. The manner with whichJuliet Spage was conducting herself was beginning togive her the pip.“Good grief, Spage,” she barked. “Cease thoseridiculous noises or I’ll really give you something tohowl about.”The inmates chuckled at that.Spanker Spage was making a muff of herself.She was dancing an idiot gig and rubbing herbackside frantically.“Stand still, you foolish gal,” snapped MsLawton, “I have never seen such a patheticperformance. Now stand still this instant before Icane you again.”Juliet Spage looked haggard and bereft ofdignity, standing on the stage with her white tielessblouse buttoned to the throat and white whoppingbags. The small amount of make-up she was allowedto wear was smudged and her hair looked lank andunkempt. Her eyes were red-rimmed and her nosewas dripping.Patty Hodge gaped at the Grand Dame. Shegnashed her teeth and wrung her hands inconsternation. Ms Lawton had just announced thatCathryn Cassidy would replace Juliet in the role ofSenior Brat Draper. To Patty it was an unforgivableact of betrayal by Ms Lawton. She had made thedecision unilaterally without consultation with herdeputy. Patty hurried from the stage and headed forthe saloon bar of the Bunch of Grapes.

A Year of Sitting PainfullyKatie gaped at Ms Lawton. “She’s telling you apack of porkies,” she insisted. “I most certainly didnot lend her one of my slippers; she must have snuckinto my office and stolen it.”Ms Lawton rolled her eyes. She had little doubtthat her adopted daughter was being economical withthe truth but she had no hard evidence that Katie hadacted as Spanker’s sponsor.“Be careful, Katie,” she told her ward. “I’mwatching you.”

6Ms Lawton’s Exit StrategyJuliet Spage gloomily pulled on the temporarygymslip that Katie had supplied. Katie hadpurposefully selected one that was undersized andSpanker had difficulty fastening the buttons at theshoulders. The garment was so short that it barelycovered her bumbags.Cat Cassidy was sitting with her long legsswinging loosely over the arm of an easy chair. Shewas flexing her ashplant between her hands.“Hurry along Spage,” she said sharply, “wehaven’t got all night and I’ve got plenty of errands foryou to run before lock-down.”Spanker was still teary-eyed. Her backside wasthrobbing incessantly. The news that she was beingallocated to grub for Cathryn had sounded like thedeath knell.Despite Cat’s laid-back demeanor she scaredthe crap out of Juliet. On several occasions Cathrynhad tackled Spanker regarding her predilection fordelivering sporting spankings. Cat had warned the

A Year of Sitting PainfullySenior Brat Draper to keep her hands off her personalgrubby and Spanker had wisely complied.She hurriedly knotted her tie and tucked it intothe bib of her gymslip.“What would you like me to start with?” sheasked and quickly added, “Ma’am,” when Cat raisedan eyebrow.“It’s an absolute abomination,” Patty waswhining in the saloon bar of the Bunch of Grapes.“Cassidy is a subversive; she’ll poke her nose into SSbusiness now that she has a senior position.”Katie and the Wart nodded dutifully. They werewell aware of Patty’s obsessive hatred of Cat Cassidyand they settled in for a long night of her bitching andmoaning.Ms Lawton poured herself a glass of chilled2004 Altosour Sauvignon Blanc and kicked back in aneasy chair. She was feeling quite satisfied with thedays proceedings. She smiled to herself at thethought of Patty Hodge kvetching in the saloon bar ofthe Bunch of Grapes and sipped her drink.During the Christmas furlough Ms Lawton hadspent several hours wining and dining with theMinister of Extreme Social Rehabilitation. He had beendisappointed when she had tendered her resignationwith effect at the end of the present year.Nonetheless, she had been adamant that she hadachieved all she could and that it was time for achange.“I assume Ms Hodge will take over?” asked theMinister.

23Ms Lawton chose her words carefully. “Patriciais a brilliant academic and has designed some of ourfinest learning programs,” she told the Minister. “Shehas supported me over the past ten years, for which Iam indebted. However, I feel that her thinking is tooentrenched. I honestly believe that we need to lookfor a candidate from outside the Unit.”“That won’t be easy,” said the Minister. “Adecade ago when we began recruiting there was alarge pool of experienced disciplinarians available tous. These days with the liberals and all their STOPPnonsense we’d be hard pressed to find a Grand Damewho even knows how to use a cane these days.”“Then look outside the education system,”suggested Ms Lawton. “That’s how you found me.”The Minister smiled and patted Ms Lawton’shand. “You are somewhat unique, Susan,” he toldher. “But, I’ll scout the market and get back to you. IfI can’t locate a candidate I suppose we’ll use MsHodge as our fall-back position?”“No, Minister” said Ms Lawton emphatically.“Anybody except Patricia.”Ms Lawton stared down at the piece of paper.To say the details were scant was an understatement.The resume merely identified a man named MrHumphries, cited his career history as classified, anda security ranking that gave him direct access to thePrime Minister and the cabinet.“This is not much to go on,” said Ms Lawton.The Minister shrugged. “I’m sorry but that is allwe’re going to get. However, you can interview himpersonally when he returns from the Baltic’s in a few

A Year of Sitting Painfullyweeks. I think you’ll like him. He comes highlyrecommended.”“Hmmm,” said Ms Lawton. “At least you’remaking this intriguing.”Ms Lawton poured a second glass of wine.Tomorrow morning she would drive up to the Smoketo meet the man named Humphries in person. It wasan intriguing proposition, and of course one thatwould send poor Patty into a fit of apoplexy if shefound out. Ms Lawton knew that she would have toexecute her exit strategy in total secrecy.

7Hurricane JojoJoanna Heyworth lowered herself gingerly ontothe unforgiving seat of the wooden chair. At the frontof the lecture room Ms Powell was hanging her caneback on the hook beside the blackboard.Jojo wriggled forward slightly so that herweight was supported by the backs of her thighs andthe direct pressure was relieved from her sizzlingbuttocks.Ms Powell turned back and continued with herlecture on the comparative merits of Mailer and Roth.Stephanie Powell was considered to be a very goodthing by the inmates. She was a first class instructorand was unquestionably inclined towards the liberalleft of the Brass. Nonetheless, when duty called shewas a dab hand with the whippy number one cane.Jojo had awoken in a mischievous mooddespite the fact that she was sporting a sore arse.The previous evening she and her best chum,Nixdown, had been forced to bend over the ends of

A Year of Sitting Painfullytheir beds for six hot ones from Melanie White forgabbing after lock-down.The late-night licking had been anotherlandmark Jojo punishment. She had broken her ownrecord for being the fastest inmate to accumulatetwenty-five canings during a single year.Over brekker her fellow mega-minxes werequick to congratulate her. Since the launch ofOperation Scorched Arse competition on the Hall ofShame had intensified. Faced with a policy of zerotolerancethe inmates had thrown caution to the windand bumbag tattering was at a record high. Jojo’snew record was something to be celebrated andrespected.Jojo celebrated her new record by acquiringyellow cards during each of the first three lectures ofthe day. She japed and larked, goofed and prankedand wound the Brass up a treat. Her chums watchedher with amused resignation. She was in classicHurricane Jojo form and they knew from experiencethat there was nothing that they could do to deterher.Joanna Heyworth’s rise to the pinnacle of theHall of Shame had been the result of relentlessminxing. Now in the fifth year of her sentence shehad over-taken legendary über-minxes such as AprilTurner, Cat Cassidy, Lady Victoria Brompton andClaire Brooks to become the undisputed Big BUTT.Ms Powell narrowed her eyes. The Dame incharge of English Studies was nobody’s fool. She wasfond of Jojo. Despite the inmate’s errant tendencies

27she was brilliant, articulate and vivacious.Nonetheless, Stephanie Powell knew when she wasbeing played like a fish. She reached into her jacketpocket and extracted her yellow card.“Alright, enough already, Heyworth,” shesnapped. “One more peep out of you and you’ll bebending over your desk.”“Yes, Ma’am,” said Jojo contritely. “Sorry,Ma’am.”Jojo slid her vintage Renwal Roto Blaster out ofher satchel and palmed it. She glanced about thelecture room. Ms Powell had her back turned, writingup their assignment on the blackboard, her fellowstudents were bent over their books taking notes. Shecontemplated her options.Nicola Jane Nixon was still grumpy over the sixthey had received the previous night. RosemaryBooker was slightly out of range. Debs Morton wasseated slightly in front of her and a perfect target.Jojo turned the nozzle to the spray setting, raised herpistol and took aim.“Whoa, what the fuck?” exclaimed Deborah.Debs had been leaning over her text-book takingnotes when her concentration was rudely interrupted.She span around angrily, water dripping from herhair.Ms Powell also span around, taking in thesituation. Debs was glaring around the room,squeezing her hair as water dripped onto the shoulderof her blazer. The other inmates were all lookingsublimely innocent.

A Year of Sitting Painfully“I shall pretend I didn’t hear that, Morton,”said Ms Powell quite calmly. “Now will whoever isresponsible for this disruption please fess up or do Ihave to instigate a needless inquisition?”With a cheerful smile on her face Jojo slid herwater pistol across the lid of her desk.

8Never a Truer Word Spoken in JestDeborah frowned at Jojo. “You could have gotme whopped,” she complained.Joanna hugged her chum. “Sorry about that,”she said consolingly. “But you know that all’s fair inlove and minxing. I just had an overwhelmingmoment.”“Grrrrrrrrr!’ grumbled Deborah Morton. “Andyou knew I’ve still got a slight touch of the residuals.”Jojo grinned. “Oh yes, I forgot you gotwhopped yesterday,” she said half-apologetically.“Sorry about that.”Deborah Morton stared bleakly at theEconomics Dame.“Remove your blazer and bend over the desk,”Ms Gascoigne had instructed her. “I intend toabsolutely cream you.”The Woody gals were used to PaulineGascoigne’s colorful expressions but this was a newone. Debs wasn’t sure what being absolutely creamed

A Year of Sitting Painfullyentailed but she had the distinct feeling that it wasnot going to be pleasant.There was no question that Deborah neededsix of the best. She had been caught with a proverbialsmoking gun, or at least a high powered catapultloaded with a paper pellet and cocked ready to fire.Of course Deborah couldn’t allow her dousingfrom Jojo to go unreciprocated, no self-respectingminx would have. Nonetheless, her timing hadsucked. Not in the least due to the fact that justtwenty-four hours earlier she had bent over her deskfor a very sound six from the same Dame who wasnow announcing her intention to absolutely creamher.Pauline and Deborah had a long history. Theyhad schooled together at the Queensgate Academyand had been tight. They had a good deal incommon. Both were academically brilliant and Paulinewas one of the few tennis players with the capabilityof occasionally taking a game or two from Debs. Theywere also acknowledged as being two of thenaughtiest girls in the school.However, when Deborah was in the fourthform the dynamic of their relationship altereddramatically. Pauline was extremely popular and hadbeen unanimously voted in to take up the position ofPresident of Posh, the school’s prefectorial body.Deborah had voted for her and helped with hercampaign.It was a mercurial year for Deborah. Shedeposed Rachel Cox as the nation’s number onetennis player, was selected to play the clarinet in theNational Youth Orchestra and published a widely

31acclaimed fictional biography of Mary Queen of Scotstitled ‘Waiting to be Beheaded’. She also established aschool record for being ‘Put on the Menu’ and havingto appear before disciplinary hearings hosted by thePosh.It was a tribute to Deborah’s articulateadvocacy that she was ‘Put on the Menu’ over onehundred times during the school year but was onlysentenced to be beaten on nine occasions.Despite their friendship Deborah neverexpected special treatment from the President.Pauline had a reputation for being lethal with theceremonial popping stick and she caned Deborah justas hard as she would anybody else.During the last week of the school yearDeborah had excelled herself by being ‘Put on theMenu’ three times in a single day. All the charges shefaced had been entered in the first degree.Audaciously Deborah elected to plead notguilty to all three charges. Although she managed tosuccessfully defend herself against one of the chargesthe odds were stacked against her. The Posh foundher guilty of serial misconduct and she was sentencedto receive the maximum punishment of nine strokesof the popping stick for both of the remainingoffenses. She would receive nine strokes immediatelyand then be allowed a twenty-four hour cool downperiod before returning for the second thrashing.Pauline Gascoigne had looked genuinely sympatheticwhen she delivered the bad news.Despite everything they remained fast friendsand on the eve of Deborah’s infamous Wimbledon

A Year of Sitting Painfullysemi-final they dined together, along with ChristyCranfield, another former President of Posh.Pauline had news for her chums. Aftercompleting her degree she had been investigating thejob market. She had been considering severalopportunities when she was head-hunted by MsLawton.Pauline Gascoigne possessed all thecharacteristics the Grand Dame was seeking. She wasacademically brilliant and had shown her mettle asthe President of Posh, when she had delivered overthree hundred and fifty canings. Ms Lawton openedher cheque book.At the time Deborah had already been chargedunder the anti-Ladette laws. Her agents had brokereda deal with the System that she would serve aminimum sentence at the Radcliffe Back to Schoolunit. She would be allowed to play in the minimumamount of professional tournaments to maintain herGrand Prix status.As the three chums left the restaurant in plentyof time for Deborah to keep to the curfew imposed bythe Dark Agents Pauline had hugged Debs.“Now go straight home,” she giggled, “else I’llfind myself back bending you over for six.”The three friends had laughed, but never has atruer word been said in jest. Within twenty-four hoursDeborah Morton was arrested on live television andsentenced to seven years at the Big House withoutthe possibility of parole.

9Absolutely CreamedDeborah slithered her chest across the desktopand reached down and gripped the legs on the farside. She heard Ms Gascoigne approaching andwaited to be caned.Pauline Gascoigne tapped the legs of the deskwith the tip of her cane. “Reach down further,” shetold Debs.Deborah stretched over a little.“Further,” Pauline instructed her.Debs pushed her legs up and slithered evenfurther forward. She was bent so far over the deskthat if she went forward any further she was indanger of tumbling down and landing on her head.Deborah Morton was acutely aware that her backsidewas stuck up in the air in the most prominent positionphysically possible. She felt as if her backside mightshortly eclipse the sun. She was beginning to sweat.Pauline Gascoigne neatly turned back the hemof Deborah’s navy blue pleated skirt and thenretrieved her cane. She stepped to one side and

A Year of Sitting Painfullyunhurriedly began her preparations, taking hermeasure and tapping the cane down once, twice andthen thrice. She raised her arm and sliced the whippyrattan stick through the air, landing it crisply acrossthe sweet spot of Debs’ bottom with an explosivecrack. Even Deborah’s whop-hardened inmates wereimpressed.Deborah Morton was in little position forrefined analysis. Her backside was a well-calibratedwhopometer and the first strike was enough toconfirm that being absolutely creamed was not goingto be much fun. The heat of the cane lashing acrossher backside ricocheted around her central nervoussystem like a pinball.Pauline Gascoigne was widely popular amongstthe inmates. She was considered even-handed andminx-friendly. Nonetheless, she was highly respectedaround the community as a consummate artiste witha cane. She hardly seemed to be trying but there waslittle doubt in anybody’s mind that she was givingDeborah a power-whopping.Pauline Gascoigne prided herself that she couldadminister discipline dispassionately. During herperiod as the President of Posh at the QueensgateAcademy she rarely had to use her casting vote. Mostcases were open and closed and when required shewas merely responsible for delivering the punishmentas safely as possible. Nonetheless, she was quiteirritated by Deborah’s ridiculous performance.

35Deborah Morton was beginning to deeplyregret her ill-fated attempt at revenge. The cane wascolliding with her bumbags with alarming ferocity. Shewas feeling quite giddy.Pauline Gascoigne took her time. Despite herinitial irritation at Deborah’s guileless prank she hadtaken several deep breathes and regained hercomposure.The previous day she had caned Debs onroutine business after she had continued to goof afterseveral verbal warnings and a yellow card. Paulinehad delivered a good crisp six that she had expectedwould give the errant inmate something to thinkabout for a few days. Clearly the six had not beenquite stiff enough so she felt obliged to step up thepace. She raised her arm and brought the cane downwith a mighty crack.Debs hung over the desk panting. Five strokesin and just one left to go. Her backside was alreadythrobbing incessantly. She braced herself for whatshe suspected was going to be a very grand finale.She heard a whistle from behind her and then herwhole body wriggled and writhed in distress as thelong thin cane rebounded from her bumbags withnerve-jangling, teeth-chattering force.Deborah handed over her punishment recordbook with trembling fingers. Her cheeks were ashenand she had a slightly bemused look on her face.Debs was no newcomer to being soundlythrashed. She had an unfortunate tendency ofbringing out the worst in the Brass and the Elite.

A Year of Sitting PainfullyNonetheless, she couldn’t help thinking that her mostrecent excursion across her desk had been somethingrather special.Barely able to keep from hopping up and downon the spot, Deborah Morton now fully comprehendedwhat it meant to be absolutely creamed.

10Miss Lisa SuttonDespite their discomfort Jojo and Debs hadcause for celebration. In the competitive world of theHall of Shame the two Phase 5 inmates knew thatevery whop counted. Although Jojo was theundisputed Big BUTT Deborah was always just behindher, snapping at her bumbags. Once the two chums’backsides had begun to cool down they both agreed ithad been a good day’s work.Lisa Sutton stood outside the library with herhands on her head and her nose pressed to the wall.Along the corridor she could hear the approachingfootsteps of Yvonne Godfrey and Janet Mitchell. Shefelt an uncomfortable knot in her tummy.Unlike Jojo, Debs and the other dedicated über-minxes, Lisa Sutton had no aspirations for makingheadlines on the Hall of Shame.Lisa had originally been sentenced to two yearsat the less austere Radcliffe Back to School unit oncharges of Misdemeanor Ladetting. It was not hardtime and she had occupied herself completing her

A Year of Sitting Painfullystudies in advanced physics. She was a popularmember of the Radcliffe community and was wellknownfor her generosity in helping other inmateswith their academic endeavors.However, towards the end of her sentence atthe facility she found herself falsely accused of writingpapers for other inmates to support their applicationsfor further education. Lisa denied the chargesvehemently.Unlike the Big House, as Woodys was knownamongst the Ladette community, the Radcliffe Backto School unit did not practice corporal punishment.However, despite her denials the Principal of thefacility took the unprecedented action of procuring acane and giving Lisa three strokes across the palm ofher left hand.Lisa was outraged and filed a complaint withher Court Appointed Guardian. Several days later shewas summonsed before a special hearing of theSystem where she fully expected to be exonerated.Instead she listened incredulously while she wasfound guilty of ‘Subversion of the Back to Schoolsystem, making false statements and accepting bribesto pervert the university application system.’ She wassentenced to a further five years of Extreme SocialRehabilitation to be served at the Big House.Before arriving at the facility she spent a weekof immersion induction into the rules, regulations andprotocols that would dominate her short-term future.Upon arriving at the unit it only took two daysfor Lisa to learn the harsh realities of her new life.She was forced to bend over her bed to be given sixstrokes by the Dorm Raider for gabbing after lockdown.

39The punishment caused her to memorablyobserve that, “three strokes of the cane across yourleft hand hardly prepares you for six hot ones acrossthe seat of thin pajamas!”Despite the austere environment she foundherself in, Lisa Sutton settled in quickly. She wasparticularly impressed by the comprehensiveacademic curriculum Ms Lawton had established andthe quality of the tutoring provided by the Dames. Itwas immediately clear that she was an academicphenomenon, particularly in the areas of maths andscience and Ms Lawton arranged for her to continueher studies in advanced physics under the guidanceof Ms MacAllister.Lisa’s fellow inmates did their best to make herfeel at home, but they had already spent two yearsincarcerated together and had formed bonds andfriendships that Lisa found hard to penetrate.During her first term at the facility Lisa wascaned twice more. Not for anything serious, justroutine goofing, gabbing, larking and pranking. Sheimpressed her fellow inmates by embracing theWoody creed that only muffs howl and took herlickings with admirable stoicism.She studied Cathryn Cassidy’s ‘Manifesto ofMega-minxdom’, but was not an instant convert.Whilst she could appreciate the joys of minxing shewas considerably averse to rattan rebounding off herbumbags. She became skilled at limiting hermisbehavior to the extent of attracting yellow cardsand avoiding unnecessary canings. Lisa gained thereputation for being naughty but nice.

A Year of Sitting PainfullyAlthough Lisa’s peers continued to warm to hershe still considered herself an outsider. Due to theproximity of the surnames in the alphabet Lisa Suttonfound herself seated next to Bernadette Summersduring lectures and tutorials, and in the bed besideher in the dorm. She couldn’t help observing thatBernadette was something of an outsider herself.

11Miss Bernadette SummersLisa Sutton remembered Bernadette from hernotorious court appearances over a decade earlier.Bernadette Summers was the daughter of shamedand incarcerated Sri-Lankan diplomat, Joe Summers.During her father’s trial the defense had done theirbest to exploit his teenage daughter, dressingBernadette in a gymslip, blouse and tie, scrubbing herface clean of make-up and tying her hair back in pigtails.She had adamantly defended her father as amisunderstood and philanthropic man. She withstoodtwo days of intense and increasingly hostile crossexaminationby the prosecution giving a wonderfullycrafted display of girlish charm and naivety. Shesteadfastly refused to acknowledge the whereaboutsof the millions of quids that the nefarious diplomathad squirreled into offshore bank accounts.Nobody was fooled. In his summation thejudge described Bernadette as precociously connivingand accused her of effortlessly perjuring herself

A Year of Sitting Painfullythroughout the trial. He condemned her as a willingparticipant in her father’s confidence trickery.Joe Summers was sentenced to fifteen years inchokey and Bernadette was sent to reform school.Once she was released Bernadette joined thegrowing ranks of the Ladettes. She quicklyaccumulated several charges of Extreme Ladettingand thought it best to have it on her toes to theSouth of France. She prospered as a professionalgambler and was sublimely unaware that the DarkAgents of the System had targeted her as a primecandidate for a stretch in the Big House.They enticed her home with bogus claims thather father was in poor health. Bernadette flew homestraight into seven years of Whops and Clobber.Outwardly Bernadette was a surly cove. Herperipatetic youth bouncing from country to country,always just one step ahead of Plod had made hersecretive and self-reliant. At Woodys she had wastedno time in establishing Bernadette SummersEnterprises which specialized in providing theincarcerated Ladettes with access to booze, fags andother contraband.Lisa had attempted to engage Bernadette inconversation but was generally met with polite butguarded platitudes. Once when she tried to offerBernadette sympathy after a whopping the duskybeauty told her, “I was caned in Cairo, slippered inSingapore and whacked in Washington. They can’thurt me, I’m the fucking Bounder!”

43As Lisa’s first Christmas approached shenoticed that Bernadette was even more sullen thanusual. Nervously Lisa approached the Bounder andasked what was wrong. Surprisingly Bernadette didn’tbite her face off but, instead, confided that she hatedfurloughs.With her old chap banged up in chokey, sheexplained, the System had appointed her brother asher custodial ward. Her brother, who she described asa waste of valuable spunk, was intent on learning thewhereabouts of Joe Summers ill-gotten gains.Bernadette was equally intent in keeping them secret.“When Pop get’s out,” she told Lisa. “We’regoing to be swapping canes for Cannes and that littlescumbag ain’t gonna see a penny.”She told Lisa that in attempt to break her spirither brother allowed his girlfriend to regularly putBernadette over her knee and spank her with aslipper. The fact that her brother’s girlfriend wasseveral years younger than Bernadette did not helpthe situation.Generously Lisa offered to put Bernadette upat her family pile over Christmas. “Pa’s never there,”she told the Bounder, “he’s sailing one of his yachtsaround the Caribbean. Ma won’t mind, she’scertifiably barking and spends most of her time in herroom. We’ll have the run of the place.”During the furlough Bernadette slowly revealedthe full extent of her enterprises back at the facility.What surprised Lisa was that the Bounder didn’t seemto know whether the venture was profitable.Apparently money came in and money went out andas long as Bernadette’s blazer pockets were crammed

A Year of Sitting Painfullyfull of quids that was all she cared about. Lisapatiently explained the basic principles of cash-floweconomics and offered to help her arrange her affairs,in return for seven and a half per cent, of course.Bernadette immediately agreed.It was during that Christmas furlough that thetwo entrepreneurs decided to expand Bernadette’sgambling arm of the enterprise. Historically theinmates had been able to place bets with the Bounderon the dogs and the nags. At Lisa’s suggestion, theyagreed to establish the ‘Big BUTT Stakes’, where theinmates would be able to wager on the outcome ofthe Hall of Shame.It would prove to be Bernadette SummersEnterprise’s most lucrative endeavor.

12Bogus WhopsJanet Mitchell stepped up behind Lisa andspitefully twisted her ear.“Get your arse inside,” she growled. “I’ll teachyou to rubbish me, you little bitch. You ain’t gotSummers here to protect you now.”Lisa flinched at the pain in her ear and loweredher arms from above her head. Janet roughly turnedher around and pushed her towards the door. Yvonnegrinned wolfishly as she turned the handle.Lisa trudged into the library and set offtowards the fireplace. Behind her Yvonne and Mitchthe Bitch were carrying on a disparaging commentary.Lisa did her best to ignore them.Janet Mitchell’s claim that Lisa had rubbishedher was a stretch at best. She had been crossing thequadrangle minding her own business when she hadbeen accosted by the two prefects.“What’s the time?” they had demanded.Lisa had shrugged and shown them her leftwrist. “I ain’t wearing my watch,” she said, “but let’ssee now.” She pointed towards the unit’s chapel.

A Year of Sitting Painfully“Well the big hands nearly halfway around and thesmaller hand’s approaching six so that would make itwhat?”Janet scowled. “I’ll tell you who’s approachingsix,” she snarled. “You are. Now get your arse up tothe library.”Lisa glared at Mitch the Bitch. “Don’t beridiculous. You can see perfectly well what time it is.You ain’t whopping me for this.”Janet turned to Yvonne. “You hear thatGodders?” she asked. “She says she ain’t going to bewhopped. She blatantly rubbishes me in front of awitness and now she’s refusing to report to thelibrary.”Yvonne shook her head in disbelief. “I heardher. It’s an outrage Bitchypoo, but if she won’t go wecan’t make her. I guess we’ll just have to file anapplication with Ms Hodge to have her publiclyflogged,” said the prefect.“I’m sure that Ms Lawton would love that,”grinned Janet. “What do you think, Sutters, old gal?”Momentarily Lisa’s stomach churned and shefelt quite bilious. She knew that she was beingstitched up like a kipper.“This is so fucking bogus,” she muttered andturned on her heel and headed towards the cloisters.“Where do you think you’re going?” demandedJanet.“To the library,” replied Lisa through clenchedteeth.Yvonne and Janet Mitchell winked at eachother.

47Lisa Sutton was bent forward at the waist withher fingers balanced on the tips of her toes. Her calfand thigh muscles stretched uncomfortably whileYvonne and Janet stood behind her swishing theirashplants playfully through the air.Despite her indignation at being subjected tobogus whops it was a far preferable option than a tripup before the Grand Dame.Lisa Sutton was a perfect target for the evilbullies of the SS. Spotting her crossing thequadrangle without the protection of the Bounder hadbeen an ideal opportunity for Yvonne and Janet tohave some fun. They both knew that all they had todo was trump up some charges and then threaten toinvolve Ms Lawton and Lisa would be forced toaccede to a whopping.For the majority of the first year of herincarceration at the Woody facility Lisa hadmaintained a relatively low profile. She had immersedherself in two projects, researching for a thesis sheplanned to write and expanding the profit base ofBernadette Summers Enterprises.She was caned occasionally, generally for lowlevelminxing. Lisa was a cheerful, good-humored sortand took her licks without complaint. She was apopular and well-liked member of the community.One Saturday in the spring, Lisa had beengranted a town pass and had spent a pleasantafternoon at an art gallery. She had become soengrossed in studying the collection of a localphotographer that she had forgotten the time. She

A Year of Sitting Painfullyhad raced back to the facility but when she arrivedthe gates were locked. If she rang the bell it wouldmean that she would soon be cutting along for six ofthe best from the Duty Dame. Fortunately there wasnobody in sight so she surreptitiously made her wayaround the walls of the grounds until she found anappropriately positioned tree. She clambered up andpeeked over the wall. When she was sure that thecoast was clear, she shimmied over the wall andhastily headed for the safety of the main building.Lisa was feeling quite smug when she arrived in thecommon room. Not only had she avoided anunpleasant six but she was back just in time forCallover and nobody would be any the wiser.

13Low RidersLisa’s smugness was short lived. Suddenly thedoors of the common room burst open and the GrandDame stormed in. She barreled down on the startledLisa, yanked her out of her seat, span her around,pushing her down over the arm of the chair andyanking back her skirt.Lisa’s chum’s watched in amazement. Theyhad never seen Ms Lawton in such a tizzy and for herto make an impromptu appearance in the commonroomwas unprecedented.There was no question that the Grand Damewas somewhat vexed. She slashed the senior canedownwards with extraordinary venom. The commonroomechoed with six sharp cracks of the cane andthen the Grand Dame yanked Lisa back to her feetand hustled her from the room. Lisa’s chum’sexchanged bewildered glances.It transpired that Lisa’s inopportune landingspot had been Ms Lawton’s personal garden and inher haste she had plowed across several flowerbeds

A Year of Sitting Painfullyand caused considerable damage to the GrandDame’s seedlings. As fate would have it Ms Lawtonhad been at the window of her quarters when Lisamade her untimely break for freedom.Lisa could not have made a more catastrophicerror. The Grand Dame was an avid gardener and hadspent the winter month’s planning the layout anddesign of the planting bed that Lisa had unwittinglytrashed.Lisa Sutton’s backside was throbbingdisconcertingly while she was subjected to a mostdisagreeable tirade from the Grand Dame. Ms Lawtongenerally prided herself in delivering her most barbedscoldings in a tone of icy calm but she was soincensed that she screamed at Lisa at the top of herlungs. Lisa Sutton hung her head in shame.The Brass and the Elite were astonished toreceive an ‘Eyes Only’ memorandum from the GrandDame announcing Lisa Sutton as the unit’s PublicEnemy Number One. The memorandum containeddetailed instructions that Lisa was to be targeted as ahostile and treated with Extreme Prejudice.It was not great time to be wearing LisaSutton’s bumbags. Patty and her chums on theRadical Right had a field day and were all over Lisalike a rash. The unfortunate inmate could not put afoot out of place without a member of the Brass orthe Elite jumping all over her bumbags. Over the nexteighteen months she was punished so often that shejoked that she was surprised she had not developed apermanent stoop.

51Even though her status had been lowered toPublic Enemy Number Two at the introduction ofOperation Scorched Arse her bumbags remainedclassified as endangered.Her appearances in the Grand Dame’s studycontinued to be unpleasant and Patty and her cohortscontinued to target her regularly. Without everwittingly embarking on a campaign of mega-minxingLisa Sutton found herself permanently rankedamongst the highest echelons of the Hall of Shame.Lisa gasped as the whippy ashplant cruellysliced across the sulcus at the base of her posterior.Yvonne and Janet were taking it in turns to whop Lisaand were employing the loathsome technique knownas ‘Low Riders’.Predictably the technique of Low Riders washeritage Patty Hodge from her days as Red-shirt atthe original Woody School. She had come across thetechnique in an inadvertent and painful mannerduring a routine caning from her House Captain. Theprefect had badly miss-placed a stroke, landing itacross the fleshy fold between Patty’s buttocks andthe tops of her thighs. It had been excruciating butPatty had been impressed by the intensity of the painand had filed the information away for future use.Lisa gamely remained in position, forcingherself to keep her fingers glued to her toes to avoidthe evil prefects from accusing her of jerking anddisqualifying the strokes.It was tough duty and Lisa Sutton wasbeginning to wonder whether she might not have

A Year of Sitting Painfullybeen better off taking her chances up in front of theBeak.Yvonne jabbed Lisa in the chest.“Not so cocky now, are we Sutton?’ she saidunpleasantly.Lisa glared at the prefect contemptuously. Shewas tempted to hack Godders in the shins but didn’tfancy a trip up on the stage for a public flogging. Shewas forced to endure another hateful diatribe fromYvonne before the thrashing was finally postprocessed.She snatched back her Punishment RecordBook and trudged out of the library.

14StalkerJanet Mitchell was beginning to feel decidedlyuneasy. For the past two days everywhere she wentshe seemed to find Bernadette Summers leaning backagainst a wall, arms folded across her chest andwatching her with hooded eyes.At first Janet had merely assumed it was justcoincidence but as time had worn on she began tobelieve that the Bounder was stalking her. JanetMitchell was not the brightest crayon in the box but itoccurred to her that Bernadette might not haveapproved of the prefects giving her best chum andbusiness partner bogus whops.Janet knew from experience that the Bounderwas fiercely protective of Lisa Sutton. On severaloccasions Bernadette had intervened when Janet hadbeen trying to arrange for Lisa to be dragged up tothe library under a full collar. Janet Mitchell was not abrave gal by nature and had generally deferred toBernadette’s suggestions in these matters.

A Year of Sitting Painfully“She’s fucking stalking me,” Janet wailed toYvonne. “I need full time protection. You’ll need toassign Ivan to act as my full-time bodyguard.”Yvonne Godfrey rolled her eyes. “Don’t be sucha wuss, Bitchypoo,” she laughed. “You’re a goddamprefect, take her to the library and give her athrashing.”Janet stared at Yvonne gloomily. “I’m not sureshe’d go for that right now.”Yvonne just shrugged and walked off.Bernadette Summers doubled over in laughter.She had stepped out of the shadows and crept upbehind Janet.“Boo!” she had hissed in the prefect’s ear.Janet Mitchell had leapt several feet in the air.“Scared ya, didn’t I?” grinned the Bounder.“I’ll get you for this,” snarled Janet.“Yeah, rock-on, Bitchypoo,” drawled theBounder and tickled her ribs with mirth.“You’re such a bad gal,” giggled Lisa whenBernadette recounted Janet’s recent close encounterwith a heart attack.“You should have seen her face,” laughed theBounder.“She probably thought you were going to popher on the hooter,” grinned Lisa.Hooter popping was playing on Janet’s mind.The Bounder was notoriously unpredictable and theprefect had no doubt that Bernadette would beprepared to risk a public flogging if she felt theinclination to bop Janet on the nose. It was all mostdisconcerting.

55Janet was deeply distressed that her cohortson the SS were not taking her concerns seriously andoffering her the appropriate protection. She had evenraised the matter with Katie Beck but had received anequally unsympathetic response.“You’re a goddam Elite Gal,” Katie hadgrowled, reiterating Yvonne’s opinion. “Take her up tothe library and give her a thrashing.”“Grrrrrrrrr!” groaned Mitch the Bitch.Janet was not the only one of Yvonne’s croniesnot having a good time of it. Juliet Spage was headdown, arse up across Cathryn Cassidy’s knee havingher bottom spanked.The bullying former prefect was havingconsiderable difficulty reverting to the role of grubby.Cathryn monopolized her time having her run errandsall over the compound. Cat never seemed satisfiedand draped her new grubby regularly.Juliet got no sympathy from her former SSbuddies who had taken to treating her as a secondclasscitizen. Yvonne Godfrey had even red-cardedher out of the assembly hall resulting in a mostdisagreeable interview with Ms Lawton.The Radical Right was treating her badly,particularly Katie, who had given her severalslipperings for clobber abuse. The unit’s matron hadnever forgiven Juliet for trying to implicate her in herillicit spanking spree and was determined to repay herwith some prime rump roastings.Cat felt no compunction about giving Julietfrequent and extended spankings. As far as she was

A Year of Sitting Painfullyconcerned Spanker was a loathsome individual and atotal muff.“Quit sniveling fool,” snapped Cathryn. “Allyour whining gives me a headache. Now put it up andkeep it up before I really get grumpy.”Juliet Spage shuffled across Cathryn’s studyand pressed her nose against the wall. She raised herarms and clasped her hands on her head. Tears ofhumiliation rolled down her cheeks.

15Highly RecommendedMs Lawton dabbed the corners of her mouthwith a serviette. She had chosen to conduct her firstface to face interview with Mr Humphries at a discreteThameside restaurant. They had shared a perfectlycooked chateaubriand washed down with a bottle of2000 Chateau Ausone Premier Grand Cru. They hadchatted amiably, avoiding the subject of their meetinguntil after dessert.“You have an interesting jacket, Susan,” MrHumphries said finally. “I thought the Lawton Solutionwas particularly inspired.”The Grand Dame looked surprised. “You haveaccess to my military jacket?”Mr Humphries nodded and took a sip of wine.“Yes I do,” he said calmly. “I hope you don’t mind butI thought it prudent to do a little research before Imet you.”Susan Lawton was genuinely nonplussed.Although she had been seconded to the Ministry ofExtreme Social Rehabilitation when she took over at

A Year of Sitting Painfullythe Woody Back to School unit, she remained amember of Military Intelligence and held the rank ofMajor. Her record was highly classified.Susan Lawton wondered who the man seatedacross the table from her actually was. She had usedher intelligence privileges to attempt to perform herown background check on the potential candidate toact as her successor. She had been astonished to findno records whatsoever. No national insurancenumber, no driving license, not even a birthcertificate. She had checked the databases of severalfriendly international espionage agencies and hadcome up with nothing. It had been very frustrating.“I also liked your school record,” he continuedamiably. “Quite the little minx weren’t you.”Ms Lawton felt herself blushing. She had notexpected the subject to come up. She was aware thatto the uninformed her disciplinary record at theoriginal Woody School might appear less than stellar.“Although I am surprised that you chose toemploy Thrasher Hodge, I can’t imagine you areexactly close friends,” Mr Humphries continued.“Actually I didn’t choose to employ her,” saidMs Lawton quickly. “She was rather foisted on me bythe System. The trouble is she’s academically giftedand she had the reputation as the top disciplinarian inthe country. Under the circumstances I could hardlyturn down her application on the basis that shethrashed me a few times at school.”“I can see that might have been tricky,”grinned Mr Humphries.“She was an awful bitch at school and shehasn’t changed one iota,” said Susan. “Unfortunatelyat the facility she’s a necessary evil, although I have

59to admit there are many occasions I’d like to take mycane to her backside.”“Why don’t you?” asked Mr Humphries.Ms Lawton chuckled at the thought, thenglancing over at the man across the table it occurredto her that he was being entirely serious.“Who is he?” Ms Lawton asked the Minister ofExtreme Social Rehabilitation.The Minister raised an eyebrow. “I have noidea. I thought he was one of yours. Some kind of aspook.”“He’s spooky alright,” said Ms Lawton, “but notthe way you meant it. We don’t have any record ofhim and nor, as far as I can tell, does anybody else.”The Minister poured the Grand Dame a glass ofport. “Well he comes highly recommended.”“By whom?” asked the Grand Dame.The Minister looked thoughtful. “Well, that’s aninteresting question. I’m not sure exactly. His namekept coming up and everybody always says that hecomes highly recommended. I never thought to askby whom precisely.”Ms Lawton sipped her drink. “I told you he’sspooky,” she said.“But is he the right man for the job?” askedthe Minister.Ms Lawton looked the Minister straight in theeye. “I hear he comes highly recommended,” sheresponded.Ms Lawton leaned back in the cushioned seatof the chauffeur driven Bentley that the Minister had

A Year of Sitting Painfullykindly requisitioned to return her to the facility. Forthe first time in months she felt at ease.She felt confident that this man Humphrieswould be more than a match for Patty and hercronies.She began to nod off and fell asleep with thedelightful thought of taking the cane to PatriciaHodge’s backside.

16Hand GabbingNixdown Nixon was not feeling the least bit atease. She was standing at the front of the assemblyhall seething with anger. It had taken all her resolvenot to stride up to Janet Mitchell and hack her on theshins when Bitchypoo had shown her the red card.The red card was not entirely bogus but it wasmarginal at best. Nixdown had merely nudged herchum Rosemary Booker and indicated to her that hertie was in an abusive condition. Janet had called heron gabbing charges which to Nicola Jane Nixon’s mindwas not very sporting unless sign language hadsuddenly been outlawed.“This is fucking bogus,” Nixdown muttered asshe passed Penny Ann Evans.“Do you want to appeal?” asked the Red-shirt.“Yeah rock on Pen, a lot of good that woulddo,” Nix growled and went over to stand beside thepiano.

A Year of Sitting PainfullyAs usual when they arrived in the hall PattyHodge and the Wart took time out to participate insome spiteful banter.“You’re such a degenerate Nixon,” said Patty.“I hope she takes the skin off your arse.”Ms Wharton cackled. Nixdown curled her lipcontemptuously.Ms Lawton swept into the hall. Immediatelyshe caught sight of Nixdown her face hardened. Shewas barreling down on Nix with a face like thunderwhen Penelope Ann stepped forward.“Excuse me Ma’am,” said the Red-shirt politely,“but mightn’t I have a word?”Nixdown glared at Katie Beck. Katie waslooking Nix up and down, hoping for an excuse tosubject her to a clobber inspection. It was a fruitlesstask. Nicola Jane Nixon was a notorious clothes horse.Despite her contempt and disdain for the system thathad incarcerated her at Woodys for a seven yearsentence without the possibility of parole she took theclobber end of the whops and clobber culture veryseriously.Nixdown had availed upon her plutocraticchaps to engage a full-time Clobber Consultant toseek out new fabrics for her blazers, blouses and ties.Even the red house sash she wore knotted aroundher waist had been imported from a boutique factoryin the Indian town of Kanchipuran. The factory onlyused wild-crafted silks and made Nixdown’s sashesfrom hand-spun Tussal yarns.

63“Go and bend over the desk in the ante-room,”growled Katie bitterly when she came up empty. “I’llbe in to inspect you shortly.”Nixdown stood facing the wall on the landingoutside the Grand Dame’s study. She was surprised tohear several sets of feet approaching in the corridorbelow. Click, click, click, clack, clack, clack. Theunmistakable sound of Ms Lawton’s heels in thestairwell, followed by the more subdued sound of flatsoled shoes coming in her wake. Nixdown resisted thetemptation to turn her face away from the wall andsteadfastly maintained her pose of nose and toes asthe entourage approached.“Wait there Nixon,” said Ms Lawtonauthoritivley, “You too Mitchell, I’ll speak to you firstEvans.”Nixdown heard the door of the Grand Dame’sstudy close and could sense Janet Mitchell steppingup behind her.Mitch the Bitch took a bunch of Nixdown’s hairin her hand and twisted viciously.“You try to make trouble for me Nixon andwe’ll be all over your bumbags like a rash,” shesnarled.Nicola Jane kicked back, the heel of her rightheel hitting Janet in the center of her shin bone.Janet released her grip on Nix’s hair andjumped back squealing. “You fucking bitch,” sheyelped.Nixdown continued to stare at the wall. Katiestared down at her desktop and shuffled somepaperwork.

A Year of Sitting PainfullyBehind them the door opened. “The GrandDame would like to speak with you now, Nixon,” saidPenny Ann. The Red-shirt squinted. “Are you okayJanet?” she asked. “Something wrong with your leg?”Janet Mitchell just groaned and continued to rub hershin feverishly.Nixdown shrugged and stepped through theopen doorway.“I am going to ask you to be truthful, Nixon,”said the Grand Dame. “Penelope Ann Evans has madethe unusual step of speaking up on your behalf. Shetells me that there may have been amisunderstanding over whether you were actuallygabbing. Was there a misunderstanding Miss Nixon?”Nixdown opened her mouth to respond, but MsLawton held up her hand.“Please be truthful with me Miss Nixon,” shesaid. “Untruthfulness is a most an undesirable traitdon’t you think? And please be assured that if I findyou to be untruthful I shall have no qualms abouttaking you back to the hall and giving you a mostdisagreeable public flogging. Now Miss Nixon, answerthe question. Were you actually gabbing or was theresome misunderstanding?”“Well if we’re being completely accurateMa’am,” said Nix. “Not actually gabbing but I didhand-gab.”

17Nixdown and Penelope Ann“She pulled the strokes,” Nixdown smiled. Shewas slowly backing Penny Ann Evans up against thewall of the stable, her fingers gently caressing theRed-shirt’s cheeks.“Nix?” Penny said uncertainly.Nicola Jane put her fingers to her lips andhushed Penny Ann. She reached out and began tounfasten the buttons down the front of Pen’s tailoredhacking jacket. “Just relax and let me show you myappreciation,” breathed Nix.Penny Ann’s head was spinning. She hadknown Nicola Jane Nixon for over a decade. They hadridden on the same circuit, coming together with Jojoand Claire Brooks to formulate the heart of thenation’s riding squad and tipped for honors at theforthcoming Olympics. All that had come to nothingas the System had cynically picked them off, one byone, and had them incarcerated at the Big House.Penelope Ann had always admired Nicola Jane.They were a study of contrasts. Nix wild and

A Year of Sitting Painfullynotoriously promiscuous, Penny Ann thequintessential English rose, shy and reserved.Penny Ann knew of Nixdown’s reputation forbedding down members of the Elite. She was awarethat Nicola Jane occasionally indulged in a ménage àtrois with the Amazonian Rastafarian Butcher Twinsand that she also had occasional trysts with MelanieWhite and her gargantuan gazonkas. Penelope Annoften day-dreamed about her equestrian team-matebut was far too shy to make her feelings known.When she found herself alone with Nixdown shealways managed to keep the subject matter onupcoming events and the well-being of their belovedhorses.Nixdown unknotted Penny Ann’s tie and beganto unbutton the front of her blouse. Being almost sixinches shorter than the Red-shirt Nixdown had to tiptoeup to gently run the tip of her tongue along theline of Pen’s lips. Penelope Ann Evans felt like she haddied and gone to heaven.“I need you to thrash me,” breathed Nixdown.“Put me over your knee and whip me with your ridingcrop.”Penny Ann’s eyes danced with confusion. “Idon’t understand,” she gasped.“Don’t ask questions, just straighten yourselfup and do as I ask,” whispered Nix. “We can talklater.”In many ways Nicola Jane Nixon was an oddfish. Out of the Famous Four she had had the mostdifficulty adjusting to the austere regime of the Back

67to School facility. She was belligerent and defiant bynature and hated the concept that she could bebeaten by the Brass and the Elite.Her school career had been tempestuous. Herwillfulness had earned her numerous canings and shehad been expelled from two academies for retaliatingby hacking the Headmistresses in the shins.At the last school she attended the zealousHeadmistress had hoped to curb Nix’s belligerence bycaning her in front of the assembled school. NicolaJane had responded by fire-bombing her car andended her academic career in reform school.She had followed her auteur father into theworld of video and film, carving out a reputation formaking risqué music videos.Nicola Jane became involved in a lusty affairwith a cameraman. One night she was late for dinnerand kept him waiting for an hour. When theyreturned to his apartment he had turned her over hisknee and given her a blistering spanking. Predictablywhen she was released she had slapped his face andhacked him on the shins with her pointed boots. Shehad stormed out of the apartment.Later at home, alone in bed she had foundherself curiously aroused. Eventually she had slid outfrom under the sheets and returned to thecameraman’s apartment and demanded that heRodger her eyes out.Nicola Jane’s videos had an increasingly BDSMtheme to them and she often featured herself beingspanked and caned.

A Year of Sitting PainfullyNonetheless when she was finally sentenced tothe Big House she found nothing titillating about theregime. She had the misfortune to be allocated to actas Katie Beck’s personal grubby and spent most ofthe year head down, arse up across the vicious Redshirt’slap. It was a war of attrition; Katie spanked herand Nix hacked the Red-shirt’s shins. Katie spankedher some more and would often illegally yank downher knickers earning her the nickname of NixdownNixon.Nixdown hated being formally punished butshe still had a penchant for pain. She sought outmembers of the Elite who had the benefit of privatestudy’s and access to canes. She boffed them royallyin return for getting their kicks on Nix Sixty-six.Nixdown planted a kiss on Penny Ann’s lips.“See that wasn’t so bad, was it?” she asked with atwinkle in her eye.Penelope Ann smoothed down her jacket andstraightened her tie. “I must be fucking barking,” shesighed.“Oh hush,” laughed Nicola Jane. “As long asyou’re Nixdown kinda barking you can’t go wrong.”

18MelonsDeborah Morton was bent over the end of herbed, a pillow under her tummy and her thin pajamasstretched tight across her buttocks. Her stomach wasfilled with butterflies and a thin bead of perspirationhad formed on her brow.Across the room Melanie White slashed herashplant through the air, slicing it across the crown ofRosemary Booker’s voluptuous rear end.Melanie climbed the back stairs that led to thePhase Five landing and opened the door. To hersurprise she found Patty Hodge standing outside thedoor of one of the study’s.“Where have you been?” Patty snapped.“I’ve been patrolling the landings,” saidMelanie impatiently, “where do you think I’ve been?”Patty glared at Melanie but elected to let theDorm Raider’s insolent tone pass.“Well hurry up,” said Patty. “I caught Bookerand Morton gabbing after lockdown. They’re alreadybending over.”

A Year of Sitting PainfullyMelanie White took off her blazer and hung iton the back of the study door. She unfastened hercuffs and rolled back her sleeves and then loosenedher collar and tie. She retrieved her ashplant andwalked across the room to where Rosemary wasstretched out across her bed.Melanie set herself up and tapped the ashplantdown once, twice and then thrice before swiping itthrough the air with considerable force.With Patty watching her closely Melanie Whitehad no choice but to lay it on thick.Melanie White was a popular member of theElite. She held the joint rank of Deputy Red-shirt andDorm Raider. She was highly respected for the evenhandedmanner with which she conducted herself andfor her opposition to Yvonne and her cronies.Melanie White had grown up in the same townas Cathryn Cassidy and they had schooled together.As teenagers they had made headlines as hard coreLadettes. Nightclubs all over the country ignored theunder-age laws and invited them to host lucrativeLadette parties.Although she only stood five feet on tip-toesand had a slender waist and pert behind MelanieWhite possessed the most remarkable pair ofmammary glands. Her gargantuan gazonkas earnedher the nickname of Melons in the national press.At school at Dartington Manor they wereconsidered wild and rebellious which meant that theyhad many confrontations with the Mistress in Chargeof Discipline. A role performed by none other thanMiss Patricia Hodge. They were thrashed frequently.

71Upon leaving school they continued to tear upthe town. Cat had decided to spend a gap yearworking as an intern in her father’s recording studio.Melons was accepted at Camford to study medicine.She was determined to follow in her father’s footstepsas an internationally renowned heart surgeon.Anti-Ladette propaganda was at its zenith. Thegovernment was desperate to distract attention fromits economic follies and saw Cat and Melons as idealtargets.After Cat was arrested and sentenced to sevenyears at the Big House Melanie and Cathryn’s familyembarked on an extensive ‘Free Cat’ campaign.Melanie’s close friends counseled her to be cautiousas the Dark Agents of the System were lurkingfurtively in the shadows.For several months Melons sensibly remainedon the university campus which was off-limits to theDark Agents. However, in an unguarded moment sheagreed to act as a hostess to a ‘Free Cat’ rave. Aphotograph of her dancing on a table and showing offher crown jewels appeared on the front-pages ofnumerous rags. She was immediately arrested andcharged with Extreme Ladetting. She would start hersentence the same day as her dear chum Cat.Undaunted by the harshness of their sentencesCat and Melons joined up with another celebrityLadette, April Turner, who had already served herfirst year. They were old friends and together theywould form the vanguard of mega-minxdom.Melanie swiped the fifth stroke down and thenadjusted her stance. She took her time, allowingRosemary to settle down and then swiped the

A Year of Sitting Painfullyashplant diagonally across the previous stripesproducing a perfect five bar gate. Even the generallyinsouciant Rosemary wriggled and squirmed as theeffects of the final stroke reverberated through hercentral nervous system.

19Not a Good Time for SixDeborah listened to Melanie’s rubber-soledshoes approaching. She clenched her fists and grittedher teeth. Deborah Morton was acutely aware thatthis was not a good time to be getting ready for six.It was less than eight hours since Reed theWeed had shown Debs a red-card and evicted herfrom a maths tutorial. There was no question that thecard was totally justifiable but that was littleconsolation to Debs as she trudged through thelabyrinth of corridors that led to the Grand Dame’sstudy.Deborah’s relationship with Ms Lawton was atan all-time low. Months earlier the Grand Dame hadinformed Debs that whenever she was sent to herstudy she would receive twelve strokes of the caneuntil her behavior showed a marked improvement.Apparently the required improvement had yet totranspire.

A Year of Sitting PainfullyPrior to being thrashed, Deborah was forced toendure a scathing scolding which had beendisagreeable in the extreme. By the time sheshrugged off her blazer and bent over the back of thestraight-backed chair Deborah Morton was feelingthoroughly trashed.Deborah felt the ashplant tapping down asMelanie took her measure. She squeezed her eyesclosed tightly.During her years at the facility Deborah hadbeen caned by innumerable members of the Elite.They had demonstrated a wide range ofcompetencies with the short whippy ashplants thatthey carried but none of them had ever shown such aconsummate artistry as Melanie White.Deborah had already had two previousexperiences of bending over her bed to be beaten byMelanie and they had both been particularly hot andsweaty. On neither of those occasions was shewearing a dozen stripes under her jimjams. DeborahMorton rather fancied she was about to discover anew definition of hot and sweaty.Melanie White had a good solid stance. Herfeet were solidly planted and her shoulders square.She only raised the ashplant fifteen inches above hertarget but she knew that was more than adequate.She swept the cane downwards, snapping her wrist atthe last moment. The whippy stick landed with aformidable thwack.

75Deborah’s face contorted into a silent howl, herfists pummeled the duvet and her ankles twitched asthe pain imploded through her already tender rump.The pain was excruciating and she knew that she hadfive more swipes to come.Patty watched with a deep sense ofsatisfaction. Deborah’s involuntary spastic reactionwas extremely gratifying. Although she would havepreferred to be personally delivering the whops,witnessing them was the next best thing. She wasextremely impressed with Melanie’s technique. Pattygrinned to herself as Melons sliced the cane down fora second time.It was not the first time in Deborah’s life thatshe had found herself subjected to extended benders;nonetheless this unscheduled late night thrashing wascausing her considerable consternation.“It’s only whops,” she repeated over and overin her head. “It’s only goddam whops!”Melanie took Deborah’s punishment recordbook and opened it. She turned to the latest page.“Aw man,” she gasped. “I didn’t know. Jeez,that must have been hot. I’m so, so sorry.”Debs grimaced. “What were you gonna do?Pull the strokes with Patty standing right behind you?It wasn’t your fault.”As usual Dorm Beatings were processed thefollowing morning just before brekker. Debs andRosemary had cut along to Melanie’s study to havetheir records updated.

A Year of Sitting PainfullyMelanie hugged Debs. “I know but I still feelterrible.”Debs hugged Melons back. “I’ll live,” she saidtightly, “But I gotta tell ya sister I did not get a lot ofsleep last night. You are one big whopper!”Melons grinned. “Well there are only a coupleof weeks left before furlough. Try and keep your noseclean and look forward to enjoying a cool-arsesummer.”“Hallelujah to that, sister,” groaned Deborahwhole-heartedly.

20A Painful JourneyDeborah placed her duffel bag and tennisracquets in the trunk of her mother’s car. Debs hadbeen granted a weekend pass to play in a prestigiousamateur tennis tournament in the north of thecountry. Unusually Ms Lummell, who acted as hercoach, was unavailable to accompany her. To complywith the supervisory rules of her sentence Ma Mortonhad volunteered to stand in.Ma Morton was chatting with Jane Lummellgetting some last minute instructions. Debs wasgetting antsy. She wanted to put some distancebetween her bumbags and the canes at the facility fora couple of much needed cool-arse days.“I’m sorry, Morton,” said Jennifer Gardiner in alow voice, “but I have to give you this.”Debs gaped at the grubby as she shoved a redenvelope into her hand.“Evans is waiting for you in the library,” saidJen and hurried off.

A Year of Sitting PainfullyDeborah’s mind was racing. Glancing aroundthe parking lot she saw Yvonne and Janet. They werewatching her with fish-eating smirks on their faces.“Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!” muttered Debs. She hurriedover to her mother.“I’ll be right back,” she said as cheerfully asshe could muster. “I left something upstairs.”Her mother just shrugged and carried onchatting.Deborah hurried through the corridors, takingthe stairs two at a time. She speed-walked down thelanding leading to the library and burst through thedoor.Penelope Ann Evans was waiting for her. “LookDebs, I don’t like this any more than you do,” theRed-shirt started to say. “If you want to appeal I’llsupport you.”Debs shrugged off her blazer as she hurrieddown the library. “There’s no time for that Evans,”she said, tossing her jacket to one side. “We need toget this over as quickly as possible.” She grabbed thespanking stool and placed it in front of the fireplace.“Hurry up Evans, we haven’t got all day.”Deborah was seething. She knew that Yvonneand Janet had stitched her up like a kipper. Somehowthey must have learned that Ma was picking her up sothey had left issuing the fateful fifth black mark untilthe last minute. They had probably guessed that Debswouldn’t wish to enter into the protracted appealprocess with her mother waiting outside in the carpark.

79They had banked on the fact that she would beforced to allow herself to be subjected to a totallybogus dangling. It made her blood boil.Under normal circumstances danglings weredrawn out affairs. However Penny Ann gathered fromDeborah’s desperate sense of urgency that thecircumstances were not normal. She flipped backDeborah’s skirt and quickly rolled down her bumbags.She raised the ceremonial hairbrush in the air andslammed it down.Deborah writhed and kicked her legs. Shepummeled the air with her fists and shook her headfrom side to side. The blistering salvo was absolutelyexcruciating. Penny Ann was working quickly and thewhole affair took barely thirty seconds.Deborah slid off Penny Ann’s lap, grabbingunder her skirt to straighten her bumbags. She feltquite giddy and her backside was roaring like afurnace. She limped over to where her discardedblazer had landed and reached for her PunishmentRecord Book.Penny Ann wrote as quickly as possible. Debswas replacing her blazer and rubbing her eyes on thesleeve.“Are you okay?” asked Penny Ann.Deborah pursed her lips and nodded. Shegrabbed the book out of the Red-shirts hand andhurried out of the library.“I’m sorry about that, Ma,” panted Debs.“Are you alright, Deborah?” asked her mother.“You look a little flushed.”

A Year of Sitting Painfully“I’m fine, Ma,” Debs lied. “We should getgoing; I don’t want to be late for registration for thetournament.”Ma Morton said her goodbyes to Ms Lummelland opened the door to the driver’s seat. “Are yougoing to drive?” she asked Debs.“No, Ma. You drive,” mumbled Deborah. “Ifyou don’t mind I’d like to sit in the back and take anap. You’re right I’m not feeling too good, I’ve got asplitting headache.”Her mother nodded sympathetically.Deborah slid painfully into the back seat.Across the car park she caught Yvonne and Janet’seyes. They waved at her gleefully. Deborah Mortonshot them the bird and settled in for a long painfuljourney.

21The Dirty DozenAs year drew to an end and the summerfurlough approached the Dirty Dozen were beingwhopped at record breaking rates.When Ms Lawton had first announced theimplementation of Operation Scorched Arse she hadprovided the Brass and Elite with a list of twelveinmates that she predicted would be the mostdisruptive. She branded them the Dirty Dozen. Herprediction had proved to be unerringly accurate. Thetwelve inmates she had selected resided in the toppositions on the Annual Hall of Shame.Every one of them had been caned over thirtytimes and four of them had passed the forty mark.Lisa Sutton and Cassandra Cassidy were at forty oneand forty two respectively. Debs was ranked atnumber two with forty-five lickings under herbumbags and Jojo led the pack with forty-nine andseemed destined to score her second consecutive Bullbefore the year was out.Lady Victoria Brompton and Claire Brooks hadestablished records for inmates being punished during

A Year of Sitting Painfullythe sixth year of their sentence. Cathryn Cassidy hadbecome the most caned prefect in history, followedclosely by her partner in crime Melanie White.It was a joyous time to be a member of theRadical Right or a Serial Spanker. Despite MsLawton’s efforts to restrain them the misbehavior ofthe mega-minxes gave them abundant opportunitiesto rattle rattan across tautened gossamer.Patty, Katie and the Wart spent their eveningspropping up the bar at the Bunch of Grapes andregaling each other with their recent successes.Yvonne, Janet, Ivan and Jayne Underlycontinued to manipulate the system to score copioussupplies of whops.The lecture rooms and corridors echoed withthe sound of canes, straps and slippers reboundingfrom upturned derrieres.Deborah Morton looked gloomily at thestandings on the Hall of Shame. She was highlycompetitive by nature and it astonished her that shefound herself once again playing second fiddle to JojoHeyworth.In her unfortunate position as Public EnemyNumber One and Ms Lawton’s personal bête noire ithad been a busy year inside Deborah’s bumbags byany standards. However, with only ten days left of theyear she was four lickings behind her good chum andhad little chance of catching up.When she had first embraced the lifestyle ofmega-minxdom Debs had naturally presumed thatshe would eventually assume the mantle of Big BUTT.It was not a particularly outlandish assumption.

83During the five years she had spent at the ultra-strictQueensgate Academy she had received the cane onmore occasions than any other school pupil inrecorded history. The Ministry of Education recordsdate back to the early eighteen fifties.During her first year at the facility she hadbeen spanked liberally and had even received thecane from the Grand Dame. Nonetheless, Jojo hadtrumped her on both counts, receiving several morespankings and being caned twice.Over the next few years Debs and Jojo hadwhopped it out on the Hall of Shame but somehowJojo always managed to stay ahead. During thesecond, third, and fourth years of her sentenceJoanna Heyworth had earned the title of Annual BigBUTT. During their fourth year at the facility Deborahhad watched jealously as Jojo became the first inmatein the facility’s history to score a Bull, accumulatingfifty whoppings in a single year.Staring at the current standings DeborahMorton figured she was destined to always be thebridesmaid but never the bride.Jojo stared at the ranking on the Hall of Shamewith considerable satisfaction. It was inconceivablethat with ten days still remaining before the unitbroke for summer furlough that she wouldn’t score asecond consecutive Bull. Throughout the year she hadexecuted a perfect campaign of Extreme Minxing.Without attracting the type of animosity that Deborahfrequently inspired, Jojo’s sustained program oflarking, pranking, goofing and gabbing had paiddividends. Jojo was rightfully proud of her record.

A Year of Sitting PainfullyCassie Cassy was also justifiably proud of herrecord. She had never made any secret of the factthat she aspired to eventually rise to the position ofAll-Time Big BUTT. Finding herself in third positionbehind such legendary über-minxes as Jojo and Debswas deeply satisfying. With four years still left toserve of her sentence Cassandra Cassidy had her eyefirmly fixed on the title.

22A Wriggler and a GigglerCassie Cassy shrugged off her red and blackstriped blazer and hung it over the back of the chair.She looked over at the English Dame with a slightlydemented expression on her face.“Bend over the desk,” instructed Ms Powell.“Yes Ma’am,” said Cassie and then she beganto giggle.Stephanie Powell shook her head inbewilderment. Like the other Dames at the facility shehad become accustomed to Cassie’s unusual reactionto being informed that she was about to be beaten.Cassie claimed that it was a nervous affliction, but itwas the general consensus that it was merely anotherindication that she was certifiably barking.Cassie Cassy was the antithesis of her ultracoolsister, Cathryn. Whereas Cat always seemedcalm and collected Cassie was exuberant,effervescent and scatter-brained.Cassie was an extraordinary looking creature.She had inherited her super-model mother’s looks,sparkling blue eyes, a mane of blonde hair, and the

A Year of Sitting Painfullysmile of an angel. Nonetheless she was an angel withan extremely dirty face. As best as anybody could tellall that Cassie ever took seriously was cooking andminxing.Cassie slid her upper torso across the desk-lid.She stretched out her arms and reached over to gripthe legs on the far side. When Ms Powell foldedCassie’s skirt back her victim emitted another giggle.Stephanie Powell flexed the thirty-inch longnumber one cane between her hands and focused herattention on her navy blue clad target. The EnglishDame was fond of Cassandra and bore her no harm.However, she was duty bound to give Cassie a good,tight licking so she raised her arm in the air andbrought it down swiping.Cassie was a wriggler. She was a die-hardbeliever in the minx mantra that only muffs howl, butnonetheless she liked to allow herself a wriggle andsquirm between strokes.“It helps me set up and focus for the nextone,” she was fond of telling anybody who was willingto listen.Stephanie Powell took her time and allowedCassie to wriggle her butt a bit and then settle downbefore setting up for the next stroke. Caning Cassiewas a stress free project. Ms Powell knew that aftersome momentary wiggling and jiggling CassandraCassidy was guaranteed to put it up and keep it up.

87Cassie pushed her buttocks up, offering theDame the optimum target. On the rare occasions thatshe had given it any thought Cassie Cassy hadconcluded that she didn’t much care for being canedbut was resigned to it being a bi-product of herchosen lifestyle. She had also concluded that puttingit up fair and square gave her disciplinarian thegreatest chance of hitting the sweet spot and limitedthe potential for painful low-riders or wraparounds.Everything was a trade-off Cassie Cassy told herself.Ms Powell warmed to her work, slicing anddicing Cassie Cassy’s bumbags with consummateprecision.She landed six clean stripes in tight formation.She watched Cassie wriggle and squirm as the laststroke ripped home. A job well done, Stephaniethought to herself.Cassie Cassy unfolded herself from the deskand retrieved her blazer from the back of her chair.She shrugged it on, flicked her hair back and fastenedthe top button. She followed Ms Powell to the front ofthe lecture room.Cassie reached into the breast pocket of herblazer and pulled out her well-worn personalpunishment record book and handed it to the Dame.When Ms Powell began to annotate the PRB withCassie’s latest misadventure with the cane Cassandrabegan to giggle.“You’re certifiably barking, you know, don’tyou?” laughed Jojo.

A Year of Sitting PainfullyCassie was lying across the lap of her mentorand idol having her weals soothed with mysticalbalms.Cassie just wriggled and giggled.

23Miss Claire BrooksClaire Brooks wasn’t giggling. Mdme Diderothad taken a hold of the knot of her tie and yankedher out of her seat. The French Dame had pulledClaire forward until their faces were only inches apart.Apart from having to gasp for breath Claire wasconfronted with the full force of Mdme’s Gauloisseand absinthe halitosis and the pungent cloud createdby her over-powering bordello scent.“It was just a joke Mademoiselle,” Clairespluttered helplessly.“A joke? Just a joke?” roared the French Dame.“I shall show you a joke Mademoiselle Brooks,” andthrust Claire downwards across her desk. “Ha veryha!” she gloated as she yanked Claire’s skirt back.“Ha!” she seethed as she slashed the canedownwards. “Ha and Ha and Ha and Ha!” The FrenchDame was caning fast, the five strokes landing in aflurry. Claire hardly had time to catch her breathbetween the swipes. Mdme Diderot finally steppedback, flexing her cane and preparing to bring thethrashing to its conclusion.

A Year of Sitting PainfullyClaire’s chums watched with sympatheticdetachment. The sight of Claire being yanked out ofher seat by irate dames was not uncommon.On first impressions Claire Brooks seemed anunlikely candidate for mega-minx stardom. She wasquietly spoken and seemed to have impeccablemanners. She gave the impression of being veryreserved. People also noticed how remarkably neatshe always looked. Her blouses seemed whiter thanwhite and never appeared crumpled even towards theend of the day. Her tie was always perfectly knottedand her shoes shone brightly. Claire Brooks was quitethe dandy and held a unique Woody record as theonly inmate never to have been slippered by Katie forclobber abuse.Nonetheless, still waters run deep and herchums knew another side of her. Claire Brooks was anatural comedienne and possessed a lightening wit.Unfortunately for Claire she had a habit of waggingher chin before engaging her brain. Her chums foundher humorous interjections into dry lectureproceedings hilarious, unfortunately the Dames didnot always appreciate Claire’s penchant for pith.It was not just the Dames at Woodys who hadtaken exception to Claire’s jocularity. At boardingschool she had quickly established a reputation as theclassroom comic and spent many hours in thedetention room writing boring lines and impositions.Finally she was summonsed before the HeadPrefect who was concerned about the frequency withwhich Claire appeared in the detention room.“I think we’d better try a swishing don’t you?”she had asked rather dryly.

91Claire Brooks did not find the proposition in theleast bit unreasonable. For several years her pithyrejoinders had resulted in blistering attacks on herrear end with Ma Brooks’ infamous hairbrush. Shecalmly bent over the arm of the House Captain’s sofa.For the next five years a wide variety ofprefects, Headgirls and members of the teaching staffwould try out the cane on Claire’s arse in vainattempts to teach her to curb her motor-mouth.As she grew older her vocabulary becamemore colorful and her ripostes more ribald. At sixteenyears old and over fifty canings into her career shewas eventually expelled after she was discovered in acompromising position with a healthy stable-boy.Mdme Diderot was a queer fish. She was onceyoung, beautiful and married. However her taste forabsinthe had dissipated her good looks and herhusband had abandoned her. She had taken tutoringassignments across the Channel and had beensurprised to find the cane still in use. Corporalpunishment had been abolished in the French schoolsystem a century and a half before.Although she was not a whop junkie on thescale of Patty or the Wart she saw the value indelivering a sore bottom as a means of retribution fordisorderly behavior.She was a solitary cove. She was aligned withneither the Radical Right nor the Liberal Left. Shespent her evenings locked in her quarters drinkingabsinthe, chain-smoking Gauloisse’s and listening toendless recordings of Maria Callas.She was not well-known for her sense ofhumor and shared none of the enlightened

A Year of Sitting Painfullyphilosophies of her namesake. Mdme Diderot did notfind Claire Brooks in the least bit amusing. She took atight grip on the cane and raised it high in the air.“She’s such a crabby bitch,” grumbled Claire toLady Vix. “She’s got no sense of humor.”Victoria laughed. “She’s French, what do youexpect?” she asked.“Well, there is always that,” acknowledgedClaire.

24Bad Times for Spanker SpageSpanker Spage was not amused; in fact shewas blubbing like a muff. She was standing beforethe Grand Dame with her head bowed and tearsrunning freely down her cheeks.“You are our first failure, Spage,” Ms Lawtonwas telling her. “Over the past ten years I have beenresponsible for rehabilitating the worst examples ofLadette culture and our program has been anunmitigated success. However, it must be expectedthat there will always be one rotten apple in everybarrel and you Spage are rotten to the core.”Juliet Spage’s shoulders pulsated as shesobbed. “It wasn’t my fault,” she spluttered. “Theymade me do it.”“Oh put a sock in it Spage,” snapped MsLawton. “You attempted to mace Cassidy and nowyou’re trying to blame others? You are completelybeyond redemption Spage.”Cathryn Cassidy took off her blazer and rolledup her sleeves. She loosened her tie and spat on her

A Year of Sitting Painfullyhands. “Come here Spage,” she said, sitting down onan armless chair.Spanker Spage glared at her Personal Draperhatefully. The past six months had been a nightmarefor the former member of the SS. Ever since Juliethad been kicked out of the Elite, and reduced to therole of a grubby, life had been tough. Every wakinghour that Spanker was not attending lectures or inthe study hall Cathryn kept her busy.The other grubby’s had benefited greatly fromJuliet’s reduced circumstances. When Cathryn ran outof errands for Juliet to run she loaned her out toother members of the Elite. Melons, Penny Ann andthe Butcher Twins were more than happy to haveJuliet relieve their own personal grubbys from duty asthey put Spanker to work.Spanker’s former cohorts from the SS had notproven to be a loyal bunch. They regularly mockedher when they came across her on the Elite landing.Yvonne Godfrey had even taken the opportunity tored card Juliet out of the assembly hall on twooccasions causing her to receive twelve stroke barebenders from the Grand Dame.Her former handler, Katie Beck, monitoredJuliet’s laundry vigilantly and slippered her onmarginal charges of clobber abuse.The Wart targeted her ruthlessly duringtutorials and alternated between beating her locallyand red-carding her up to Ms Lawton’s office.It was a miserable time for the once powerfulBrat Draper and the worst of it was she had tocontend with her most hated enemy, Cathryn Cassidy.

95Cat had always been the most stridentopponent of the Secret Sorority of Serial Spankers.Yvonne and her cronies had made it a policy to giveCat a wide berth whenever possible and wiselySpanker had never included Cat’s personal grubby inher serial spanking activities.To be subjected to the ignominy of beingforced to act as Cathryn Cassidy’s personal grubbywas almost too much for Juliet to bear.Juliet Spage was quite surprised when YvonneGodfrey sidled up and started making all nice to her.The Commandant of the SS started by inviting herformer aide down to one of her stash areas andplying her with booze and cigarettes. Yvonne madesympathetic noises about Juliet’s plight, evenapologizing for red-carding her.“It was all for the cause,” she explained. “MsLawton has us under ob’s and I needed to show herwe weren’t cutting you any slack.”Juliet grunted. She had known Yvonne a longtime and knew only too well that she didn’t have asympathetic bone in her body.“You want something, don’t you?” shedemanded.Yvonne shrugged. “I need a favor,” sheadmitted. “That bitch Cassidy got me a whopping andshe’s gonna pay for it! You’d love to see Cassidy gether comeuppance, now wouldn’t you my dearSpanker.”Spanker Spage looked suspicious. “What doyou want me to do?”Yvonne reached into her pocket and extracteda small canister. “This is mace,” she told her former

A Year of Sitting Painfullychum. “I want you to pitch up late for grubbingduties. Cassidy will be obliged to drape you. Just actnormal and then when you’re in close spray this inher eyes. I’ll be waiting on the landing with Ivan.When she goes down we’ll come in and throw a sackover her head and wrap her up with duct tape. We’llshove her in the closet for a few hours and then afterlock-down we’ll sneak her over to the stables andthrash the shit out of her.”“Oh good grief,” was all Spanker could think ofto say.

25Sniff TestYvonne’s assessment that Cathryn had beenresponsible for the disagreeable twelve strokewhopping she had received from Patty Hodge was notentirely accurate.As usual Yvonne had been acting the bollocks.She had been swaggering around the recreation areawith her pack of cohorts looking for opportunities toscore some cheap whops.Cathryn Cassidy was the day’s nominated dutymonitor and was positioned on the landing of theornate stairway that led to the Main House. It gaveher a perfect vantage point to observe all the areas ofthe recreation ground including the cloisters and thequadrangle. It was a warm day and most of theinmates were taking advantage of the good weatherto get some fresh air. They were congregated in smallpockets playing a variety of card games orbackgammon or just plain kicking back and gabbing.Cathryn spotted Yvonne and her chumsswanking about the place. She sighed and made herway down the stairwell.

A Year of Sitting Painfully“What are you up to Godders?” she askedwhen she caught up with the SS. “I don’t need anyassistance and especially not from you.”“Oh put your fucking bumbags in it Cassidy,”replied Yvonne. “We’re just taking a stroll. We’ve gotjust as much right to the rec area as anybody else.”“Well don’t start acting the bollocks on mywatch,” said Cat threateningly, “I’ll be watching you.”Yvonne just sneered. Cat returned to her lookoutpost, keeping a careful eye on the members ofthe SS.Cat yawned and looked at her watch. Shedearly wished that she could take a nap. The previousevening after the facility had been put under lockdownshe had shimmied down a drainpipe andsneaked across the grounds. She had climbed overthe wall of the orchard and into the arms of herboyfriend Mark who was waiting in his car.Cat and Mark had met in a coffee shop in thenearby town and had been going hot and heavy eversince. Cat regularly broke out of the unit at night sothat she could spend some quality time with herbeau.Her late night trysts had gone undiscoveredbut her relationship had nonetheless not beenaltogether beneficial to her bumbags. On severaloccasions she had missed curfews and been caned bythe Duty Dames. On the third occasion Patty hadinsisted that she was paraded in front of the Beak andMs Lawton had given her a severe scolding and atwelve-stroke bare bender. It had little effect andseveral weeks later when she cut curfew again

99Cathryn Cassidy became the first prefect in Woodyhistory to be publicly flogged.Cathryn continued to yawn. She hated beingduty monitor. It was such a drag. She always did herbest to cut the inmates as much slack as possible butduring free-time, away from the strict discipline of thelecture rooms and study groups, they were always attheir most rambunctious. It was a rare day that theduty monitor wasn’t obliged to take at least oneinmate up to the library for a thrashing.Cat watched Yvonne sauntering about, she andher cronies stopped several times at groups ofinmates. Cathryn had little doubt that they weremaking snide comments and underlying threats but atleast they moved on.Cat looked at her watch again. Six-twenty. Inthe distance, several stragglers were ambling alongthe driveway, back from excursions into town, just intime for Callover. Below in the recreation areas theinmates were packing up their belongings andpreparing to go back to the main building. CatCassidy wandered down the steps. It wouldn’t be longnow, she figured, before she could cut along to herstudy and enjoy a much-needed power-nap.Cathryn crossed the recreation area andfollowed the inmates into the building. They weremaking their way up the stairwells towards thelandings so that they could put their kit away. Sheheaded towards the assembly hall to help PenelopeAnn oversee Callover.

A Year of Sitting Painfully“What the fuck are you doing?” growledCathryn.She had turned into a corridor andencountered Yvonne backing Rosemary up against awall.“She’s been smoking,” said Yvonne, “I cansmell it on her breath. I’m searching her.”Cathryn narrowed her eyes. “Did you findanything?”Yvonne cut her eyes at Cat. “Mind your ownbusiness, Cassidy, I haven’t finished,” she snarled.“Raise your skirt,” she instructed Rosemary.Rosemary Booker took the hem of her skirt andraised it. Yvonne reached over and ran her fingersaround the waistband of Rosemary’s bumbagsworking front to back.She reddened slightly when she came upempty. “I can still smell it on her breath,” she saiddefiantly.“Yeah rock on, Godders,” said Cathryn Cassidy.“Come here Rosemary; let’s see if you pass a snifftest.”

26The Sacking of Spanker SpagePatty Hodge’s olfactory senses were legendaryand she claimed that she could smell fag-breath attwenty paces. Patty was a smoking hypocrite. Forthirty years she had been an on-again, off-againsmoker and alternated between being an anti-fagzealot and defending her three-pack a day habit. Shehadn’t smoked a cigarette for almost a week.“Breathe out,” she instructed Rosemary.“Bend over the desk you fucking imbecile,”Patty screeched into Yvonne’s face. “What were youthinking?”“She’s on your fucking hit-list,” Yvonnescreamed back. “You’re not whopping me for this!”Patty stared at Yvonne. “You can bet yourbottom dollar I’m whopping you for this. It’s recklessbehavior like this that gets the SS a bad name. You’relucky I don’t bring you up in front of an SS hearingand have you stripped of your rank as Commandant.Now bend over the desk before I summons Ivan tohold you down.”

A Year of Sitting Painfully“You are a truly rotten bitch, Patty,” saidYvonne through gritted teeth and then slowly shepeeled off her blazer.The macing had not gone well. As she hadapproached Cathryn Juliet had reached into her blazerpocket intending to palm the small canister. As sleightof hand went it had been particularly guileless andCat had caught on fast. She leapt out of the seat andslapped Juliet’s hand aside, at the same time shestamped her right foot down on top of Juliet’s causingSpanker to roar out and take a tumble.“What the fuck is this?” asked Cat, retrievingthe canister from the floor. “Mace? You were going tofucking mace me? Oh you pathetic bitch,” shegrowled and toed Spanker in the ribs with the sharppoint of her shoe. “Get up you little weasel, I ratherfancy you won’t be sitting down again this week.”“She tried to mace you,” said Penelope Anninsistently. “We need to report this.”“I’ve taken care of her,” said Cat stubbornly.“Taken care of it?” asked Patsy Butcherincredulously. “You’ve spanked her. What’s to stopher sneaking in and zapping you with chloroformwhile you’re sleeping?”“She’s clearly deranged, Cat,” agreed LindseyButcher. “We need to deal with this.”Even Melanie White nodded her consensus.“I’ve known you a long time Cat and I know you thinkyou can take care of everything but this is just too farout where the buses don’t run. We don’t have anychoice; we’ll have to involve the Beak in this one.”“Hmmm,” grumbled Cathryn noncommittally.

103“I could flog you and flunk you,” Ms Lawtontold Spanker Spage. “Send you before a hearing ofthe System and put you back a few years to seewhether we can’t beat some goodwill into you, but Ithink not. I’m going to sack you Spage and hand youover to the constabulary. You will be charged withattempted assault and possession of a prohibitedsubstance. I rather think that you’re going to chokeyMiss Spage and I for one hope that they throw awaythe key.”“Naaaaawwwwwww!!!!” wailed Spanker Spage.“You really didn’t have any choice,” said MrHumphries over dinner.“It’s a shame though,” sighed Susan Lawton.“Ten years without a single sacking and now with justten days to go this happens.”Mr Humphries smiled, “Well in ten days you’llstart your new life,” he told her cheerily, “and then itwill become my problem.”“Ten days is a long time at the Woody Back toSchool unit,” Susan sighed wearily.