R E S T A U R A N T P O L L B A L L O T P . 4 6 - The Austin Chronicle

LEAD STORY More Texas Justice: In March, juries inSmith County and Matagorda County sentencedHenry Wooten and Melvin Johnson IIIto 35 years and 60 years in prison, respectively,for possessing small amounts of drugs(but enough under Texas law to allow jurorsto infer an intent to distribute). Wooten, 54,had 4.6 ounces of marijuana (same penaltyas for 5 pounds), and Johnson had 1.3grams of crack cocaine (about half theweight of a U.S. dime). Wooten’s prosecutoractually had asked the jury for a sentence of99 years.LEAST COMPETENT POLICE Embarrassing: 1) In March, on duty onopening day of the jail at the new AdairCounty judicial center in Columbia, Ky., sheriff’sdeputy Charles Wright accidentallylocked himself in a cell and was fired afterhe tried to shoot open the lock. 2) A CollierCounty, Fla., sheriff’s deputy suffered a brokenankle when he and a colleague accidentallylocked wheels while patrolling in Napleson their Segways. It wasn’t pretty, but sheriff’s deputiesin Montcalm County, Mich., got their manon March 3. Mark McCuaig, in court on anearlier charge, became unruly and escapedfrom two different sets of officers (despitea Tasering). Another court officer tried tostop him outside, but McCuaig got loose(despite being maced). He locked himselfinside a van, but officers surrounded it,broke a window, and Tasered him again, yetcouldn’t stop McCuaig from driving off. Aftera high-speed chase, state troopers disabledhis tires with “stop sticks” but couldn’tapprehend him before he reached hishome, where he barricaded himself.Officers surrounded the house, and four ofthem (plus a police dog) entered, butMcCuaig escaped and got into another vehicle.Finally, after another chase, he wasforced off the road, Tasered a third time,and subdued.CAN’T POSSIBLY BE TRUE In February, the undergraduate dean’soffice at Yale University disclosed that it wasformally soliciting anonymous, first-personreports of student sexual experiences to publishon a school website, as “strategies forcreatively navigating Yale’s sexual culture,”according to an advisor. “There is a realneed for students to have space to thinkabout what happens to them and what theywant to have happen,” she said. “Sex@Yale”would contain “70 to 80” specific perspectives,she said, but critics suggested theanthology might grow to resemble Penthousemagazine’s often ridiculed “Forum” section oflascivious fantasies. It’s Good to Be a British WelfareMother: Under the government’s local housingauthority, Essma Marjam, 34, unemployedand the mother of six, is entitled torental assistance for a five-bedroom home,and the only suitable one she could find isin an exclusive London suburb in which herneighbor is Sir Paul McCartney. Luckily, theBY CHUCK SHEPHERDRobert “Prince Mongo” Hodges had been disturbing people, andsometimes running for office, for 10 years before he came to theattention of “News of the Weird” in September 1992 by attracting nearly3,000 votes in a campaign for mayor of Memphis. Since then, theperpetual performance artist (always “333” years old, always from theplanet “Zambodia”) has been annoying his neighbors in Memphis andin Fort Lauderdale and Volusia County, Fla., usually as revenge for theircomplaints about his quixotic property maintenance. Last year, he built adeck on his Volusia home, without a permit, and neighbors complained,thus provoking Hodges recently to dump a mountain of sand in his frontyard and to install clotheslines covered with women’s panties. Currently,he faces various county code violations.generous allowance (equivalent of morethan $9,000 a month) covers the rent onthe nearly $3 million (U.S. equivalent) mansion.Additionally, according to the DailyMail, Marjam’s nonhousing governmentbenefits total the equivalent of about$22,000 a year. Alan Rosenfeld, 64, a New York Citylawyer and real estate entrepreneur, isalso a full-time schoolteacher, although hehas been prohibited from teaching since2002 because of accusations of leering atfemale students. He is thus a “rubberroom” teacher whose union contractrequires full salary and benefits, eventhough the schools chancellor has barredhim from the classroom as a “danger” tostudents. The Department of Educationpays him $100,000 a year plus healthcare (plus retirement benefits worth atleast $82,000 a year). The New York Postreported that Rosenfeld reports to “theroom” each day but works exclusively onhis business affairs.INEXPLICABLE In January, Aretha Brown, 66, who haslived in the same house in Callahan, Fla.,(population 962) for 30 years, suddenlybecame unable to leave her yard unlessshe crawled between CSX railroad carsblocking her access to the road. Tracks hadalways been in place, but the railway onlybegan storing train cars on them this year.CSX told The Florida Times-Union that itwould soon build Brown an access road tothe street. The entertainment manager at ThorpePark in Surrey, England, announced inFebruary a contest seeking foul-smellingurine. The park has introduced a live actionhorror maze based on scenes from the Sawmovie series and decided that it was missinga “signature stench” to “really push theboundaries” of disgustingness. ManagerLaura Sinclair suggested that the submissions’pungency would be enhanced afterconsumption of such foods as garlic andROY TOMPKINSasparagus and offered a prize of the equivalentof about $750 for the winning urine. The Times of London reported inFebruary that at least six local governmentcouncils have been so avid about enforcingstreet-parking rules that they have issuedtickets to vehicles registered to their owngovernments. In at least two recent incidents(involving Islington and Kingston), the councilspursued collection all the way to trafficcourt (though only in the latter case did theadjudicator actually require the council tohand over a fine to itself).SUB-‘ZERO TOLERANCE’ Seventh-grader Rachael Greer was suspendedfrom River Valley Middle School inJeffersonville, Ind., in February, even thoughshe apparently did exactly what her parentsand the school want kids to do (“just say‘no’” to drugs). When a classmate handedher a prescription pill in gym class, sheimmediately handed it right back.Nonetheless, an assistant principal, afterinvestigating the incident, suspended herfor five days because she had touched thepill. (He expressed regret but said it isschool policy.)QUESTIONABLE JUDGMENTS A recent epiphany caused millionaireAustrian businessman Karl Rabeder, 47, tobe depressed about his wealth, and byFebruary, he was in the process of givingaway an estate worth the equivalent ofabout $5 million. Two luxury properties arefor sale, with proceeds going to charitieshe established in Central and SouthAmerica, and he plans to move into a smallhut in Innsbruck. “Money is counterproductive,”he told a reporter. “I had the feeling Iwas working as a slave for things that I didnot wish or need.” (According to London’sDaily Telegraph, Rabeder’s wife was withhim at the time of the epiphany, but thestory curiously is silent about her view ofhis decision.)A ‘NEWS OF THE WEIRD’ CLASSIC(JANUARY 2001) Once oddities but now increasinglycommon are reports of prisoners storinglarger and larger inventories of valuables intheir rectums. However, one accountingfrom a jail in Amarillo, Texas, might still bea record. A man was arrested in November2000 with $12,300 inside (eighty $100bills, two $50s, and money orders worth$4,200). The cash record before that wasbelieved to be a Florida State Prisoninmate who had only $2,000 (although healso had room for six handcuff keys and anassortment of razor and hacksaw blades ina pouch).Visit Chuck Shepherd daily atwww.newsoftheweird.blogspot.com(or www.newsoftheweird.com).Send your Weird News to: Chuck Shepherd, PO Box18737, Tampa, FL 33679 or weirdnewstips@yahoo.com.©2009 UNIVERSAL PRESS SYNDICATE60 T H E A U S T I N C H R O N I C L E APRIL 9, 2010 a u s t i n c h r o n i c l e . c o m