Journal of the Louisiana Dental Association

LDAlast pageDavid AustinWe’re Not Happy Until You’re Not HappyEvery now and then, we at the LDA Research andDevelopment Laboratory located in Bunkie mustreport to our membership the results of some of ourlatest research. Frankly, much of what I must report isnot so good.One of our latest developments has now beenofficially abandoned. It seems that a research teammember came up with the idea of installing a bellymower under a Hoverbat electric scooter. Our hopewas for this to enable some of our elderly members,who don’t get around very well, to mow their ownyard. Unfortunately, battery power was not up tothe task and several members who tried these wereshocked when they accidentally ran over the attachedextension cord. We also had one incident wheresomeone accidentally turned their shag carpet into aBerber.A concept we are still working on is a creditcard that will totally prevent identity theft. We haveactually found a way to imbed the credit card owner’sDNA into the magnetic strip. However, extractingthe owner’s DNA has become somewhat of a painfulprocedure. Also, during recent trials, whenever themember is late with a payment, the bank wantsadditional DNA. We hope to go public with this nextyear but finding volunteers for additional research hasbeen difficult.A recent engineering feat that does hold somepromise is the LDA WattMill. We have developeda windmill that generates a substantial amount ofelectricity utilizing the ever present wind along muchof our coastline. We have found these low rpm mills tobe quite efficient. At just 25 rpm, it generates enoughelectricity to supply 3 average houses. At 50 rpm, thereis enough to power 12 homes. However, at 300 rpm,you are in a category 2 storm and should leave and gonorth immediately. Our 3 prototypes are still missing.A safer location with plenty of hot wind for our nexttrials will be at our Washington, D.C. site.Not everything we have done so far has been afailure. I am happy to report that at the beginningof summer, many of our southern dentist chickenfarmers were complaining that it was so hot many oftheir chickens were laying boiled eggs. One of ourresearchers quickly came up with the idea of feedingthese chickens crushed ice, which totally cured theproblem.The last report I have for you is actually an excitingone that our research team accidentally stumbled uponwhile trying to develop a simpler dental tax form. Webelieve we have actually found the heaviest element yetknown to science. We have named this new element,Governmentium (Gv). Gv has one neutron, 25 assistantneutrons, 88 deputy neutrons, and 198 assistantdeputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.These 312 particles are held together by forces calledmorons, which are surrounded by vast quantities oflepton-like particles called peons.So far we believe this element to be completelyinert, but recent experimentation using money as acatalyst, Governmentium appears to transform intoa new element we call Administratium. This elementradiates just as much energy as Gv since it has halfas many peons but twice as many morons. We havefound no good use for either of these elements;however it seems to continually take up much of ourtime.Our next report, to be published in about a year,should contain the results of the testing of our newcombination handpiece/cellphone. Early trials so farhave resulted in several pierced ears. We shall perfectthis and will always remain at your service.40 LDA Journal