Children's Needs – Parenting Capacity - Digital Education Resource ...

150 Children’s Needs – Parenting CapacityPossible impact on relationshipsThe main problems for children are inconsistent parental behaviour which may causeanxiety and faulty attachments, fear of hostility and feelings of helplessness, andunplanned separation. In some cases children assume a role beyond their years.A major problem for children is that mental illness, learning disability, problemalcohol or drug use or the psychological consequences of domestic violence cancause parents to behave in inconsistent and unexpected ways. This is difficult forchildren to understand, and as one 9-year-old boy said to his problem-drinkingmother ‘I didn’t know whether you loved me’ (quoted in Brisby et al. 1997, p.14).A second issue for children is the fear and helplessness in the face of parentalviolence.(My daughter) would just sit there frozen, I mean, she didn’t know what to dobecause if she got up to move ... he would maybe have gone for her. So she was just,like, sitting there, trembling and crying and stuff.(Mother, quoted in NCH Action for Children 1994, p.36)The child’s fear may also be the result of anticipated hostility. In situations ofdomestic violence or parental substance misuse, children may find that the everydayaspects of their lives are subjected to a frightening and pervasive control.A third issue is the undermining of the parent–child relationship. Children’sexpectations of their parents for care and protection are not always met, and theycan feel betrayed, let down and angry.I used to feel angry like when my mum was on drugs ’cos I used to think how couldthis have happened to me, it was just sad all the time and then I would get angry... and we would have arguments all the time...(Eleven-year-old child of drug-using parents, quoted in Barnard 2007, p.91)The parent–child relationship can also be undermined when, in cases of domesticviolence, male perpetrators insist that children witness their mothers’ abuse; 10%of women interviewed in McGee’s (2000) study reported that they had been rapedwith their children present. Many mothers exposed to domestic violence reportedthat it had eroded their self-esteem and left them with little confidence in their ownparenting abilities.He (my partner) always used to say I was a bad mother ... my way of coping wasto start drinking, not to the level of an alcoholic, but it wasn’t very good ... he usedto tell everyone how awful I was.(Mother, quoted in NCH Action for Children 1994, pp.45–46)To see their mother sexually assaulted and humiliated undermines the relationshipbetween mother and child, not to mention the impact on fathering (Humphreys2006).