Sept. - The Raleigh Hatchet, a monthly music, art and humor ...

contents:September, 2006The Raleigh Hatchet, 3104 Hillsborough St. #164, Raleigh, NC 27607Founding EditorD.A. NationEditorsChristy Meyerchristy@raleighhatchet.comTara Rodriqueztara@raleighhatchet.comHead of ProductionBart Tomlinbart@raleighhatchet.comMusic EditorAmanda Becomamanda@raleighhatchet.comContributorsBrittany Anderson, Tim Anderson, Matthew Anscher, Claire Ashby, GregBarbera, Amanda Becom, Brian Bedsworth, Melvyn Brown, Josh Bryant,Dave Cantwell, Vince Carmody, Charles Cardello, Joy Courson, Russ DeSena, Mike Dillon, Chad M. Dravk, Rose Dunnington, Lauren Etheridge,Cody Eyman, Greg Eyman, Brad Farran, Angel Femeister, Kelly Ferguson,Evan Foster, Robert Gaddy, Michael Israel Gorelic, Shannon D. Gray, KevinHales, Brian Howe, Troy Jefferies, Cheetie Kumar, Dan Kuszaj, William Lee,Libby Lynn, Christy Meyer, Tanya Montoya, Mathew Nanney, Ashley Nation-Gaddy, Sarah Pasell, Cy Rawls, Drew Robertson, Peter Schmehl, Phil Solesky,Marco Soto, A. Spencer, Chris Stapleton, DH Westmoreland, Jay Winfrey,Eric Wolf, Joe Yerry, Jon YuIllustratorsSean Balkwill, Tyler Baum, Daniel Gallant, Daniel Lynch, Ed Marsden, KristinMatwiczyk, Lindsay Petrick, Chris Plankers, David K. Rose, Jer Warren5. Consumer HeroTim Anderson feels the stab of the Pitchfork.7. Food LoveSee food By Charles Mangin9. Eccentrik FestivalDaniel Lynch steps into the dark side ofCarolina’s music subculture.12. Listen Up!reviews of new releases from Lambchopand The Nein14. I Hate Rock Star: SupernovaBy Kevin Hales12. Mommy, what’s a dark meat?A diary of a weekend’s journey with TheDark Meat Vomit Lasers Family band byVince Carmody18. Inane Observer20. The Beat of Beating OffAn interview with porn soundtrack producerMark Dawop by Libby Lynn22. Madame Mercury’s Monthly Horoscope.23. Two CentsStraightforward advice from Claire Ashby.PhotographersSarah Pasell, Jay WinfreyAdvertisingads@raleighhatchet.comDistributiondistro@raleighhatchet.comCover design by Bart CusikThe Raleigh Hatchet is published monthly and available free of chargewhere distributed. For subscriptions visit www.raleighhatchet.comAll individual content is the property of its creator. Reproduction withoutconsent is strictly prohibited. If you would like to distribute The RaleighHatchet at your location please email info@raleighhatchet.comPlease E-MAIL all press releases, submission requests and generalinquiries to info@raleighhatchet.com

publisher’s pageFrom the padded room of Bart Tomlin, Head of Production:Where the fuck is my CD?Yes, this is the Music Issue. Yes, there’s supposed to be a CDin 1500 copies of this issue. No, it’s not here. Yes, it will be inthe first 1500 copies of a future issue of The Hatchet. No, Ican’t promise which one.Yes, there’s going to be a Hatchetfest. No, it won’t be inSeptember. No, I can’t tell you the line-up yet. Yes, it willrock.Yes, we wish things worked out more smoothly. Yes westill love you. Yes we realize that sometimes love just ain’tenough. No, we’re not giving up. Yes, late will be better thannever!Any more questions?MISSINGSOMETHING?Back Issues of TheRaleigh Hatchet areavailable. E-mailinfo@raleighhatchetfor mailing pricesCorrection:Some goofy things happened with our “Listen Up” sectionlast month, so I’d like to put some things right. The ThomYorke and Sufjan Stevens reviews were written by AmandaBecom and the Spoon review was written by Jay Winfrey.Furthermore, somehow, in the layout process, for which Ican only blame myself, the tail end of the Spoon Telephono/Soft effects (Merge) review got slapped on to the SufjanStevens The Avalanche (Asthmatic Kitty Records) review. Ifyou were confused by the abrupt change in tone, and/orconcerned for Amanda’s mental health, let me put yourmind at ease. Her review should simply end with “Stevensdoesn’t need an editor, he needs more time, or fewerStates.” See, perfectly sane. The whole shit storm commentbelongs to Jay, whose review should have ended “But againthat’s the fun of hearing great bands before they weregreat. You get to listen to the shit storm on the way to thefame game.” Also a perfectly sane thing to say-- unless ofcourse he didn’t mean it as a metaphor. If he’s picturing anactual storm of shit, and talking about how fun it is, that’sfucked up. He wouldn’t be talking about that would he?Nah, I’m sure it was just figure of speech. I don’t know,you know, you think you know a person… I better checkon him. Jesus what am I saying? I better check on myself.Maybe I shouldn’t drink so much coffee. Am I being weird?I gotta go. See ya next month. Don’t tell anyone we had thisconversation. Destroy this magazine. I don’t know what I’mtalking about. Ignore me. I’m outa here.

Consumer Heroby Tim AndersonYou know what I just recentlyrealized after reading it in an articlesomewhere? You know the word“scumbag”? It means cum-filledcondom. Gross, right? I always thoughtit was just a stock phrase people usedto insult someone else and that scumwas just, you know, trash. But no, itmeans cum-filled condom. Think aboutall those times when you were a kidand you used that particular epithetfor teachers, crossing guards, andlibrarians. Or the times you playfullycalled your grandmother or preacher ascumbag at family dinners. You feel badnow, don’t you? On the other hand, youcan rest easy knowing that all thosetimes you said it about Ann Coulter,you were quite literally correct. I mean,she’s made of rubber, right? You werewrong when you said it about ParisHilton, though. She’s more of a scumbucket.My point being that, well, whatother totally obvious things don’t Iknow? Are French people not totallyannoying? Is our president a memberof Mensa? Does reading make youstupid? Are drugs and violence reallynot the answer? Shit, I feel like I’mgoing to have to reevaluate every selfevidentbelief I’ve always held. Whatabout my friends? Well, okay, my friend.Does she even exist? My head is totallybeing blown right now.Thankfully there are tools on theinternets you can use in order to makesure that what you believe is indeedthe right thing. A relief, because I wasstarting to worry that things, like themusic I listen to, for example, werejust completely wrong wrong wrong.Is it lame to still like British shoegazerdream pop or is it okay now? ShouldI hide my ABBA albums from peoplewho accidentally find themselves inmy apartment or hang them up on mywalls with spotlights on them?Then one day God createdpitchforkmedia.com. Yes, all I needto do when I’m not sure if a CD I’vebought or stolen really passes muster,or if I’m just not sure what CDs Iabsolutely must have in order to be apart of the movement of the moment,I can just go over to the barrel full ofexperts at www.pitchforkmedia.com.They’ll know what to tell me aboutwhat to think.In case you’re more out of touchwith the world than I, Pitchfork Mediais the online hipster bible that includesdaily news updates on bands thatyou’ve never ever heard of and hashelpful regular columns like "ThisMonth in Grime/Dubstep." If youever wanted to be able to track everywaking movement of the band XiuXiu, what are you waiting for? Thebenevolent Moonies over at Pitchforkare ready for you.I remember last year when I boughtan album that I really fell in love with:Maria Taylor’s 11:11. It was a plaintivealbum full of sweet, lilting melodies andlush instrumentation, Taylor’s hushedvoice moving through the songs likea veil moves through a breeze. Orsomething. Anyway, even though thatwhiny bitch from Bright Eyes sang onone of the songs, 11:11 was one of myabsolute favorite albums of 2005. Butafter visiting pitchforkmedia.com andreading the review, I stood corrected.Because according to Adam Moerder,Taylor has "a tendency to focus onmelody and allow the instrumentationto mire in the background." How couldshe? Other choice words he used todescribe the album: “convoluted,”“limp,” “lead-footed,” “pandering,”“swollen,” “too damn safe,” “B-level,”“somber” and “gooey.” Wow. MariaTaylor sounds positively diseased.How could I ever not have noticed thegalling defects of this record? Thankyou Adam Moerder! You’re 6.2 ratingslapped me back into line.As for bands I should ignore atmy own social peril, Pitchfork hasgot that covered, too, thanks to theirmandate from on high. This is how RobMitchum sums up the South Londonoutfit and hot band of the momentArt Brut: “Art Brut, through theirthoroughly unpretentious embraceof pretentiousness, are the most punknew band I’ve heard in years, punkhaving lost itself long ago to thepretentiousness of unpretentiousness.”Rob, you had me at “unpretentiousembrace of pretentiousness.” I’m soglad I read your review. Because, yousee, I bought Art Brut’s album BangBang Rock & Roll and I fucking hated it.The cloying, overdone accent, the lyricsabout little brothers only listening toB-sides, moving to L.A. to hang out withMorrissey, ex-girlfriends named Emily,good weekends, bad weekends, noneof it spoke to me. Especially the lineabout wanting to “write the song/ Thatmakes Israel and Palestine get along.”Though I did like the song “Modern Art”and thought “Formed a Band” was funfor the first twenty seconds, the albumas a whole made me want to find thenearest chalkboard and scrape my catStella’s claws down it just to drown outthe god-awful British racket.But now I know better. Art Brutstays. Even though they have nomelodic sense, are impossible to singalong to, and are way too pleased withthemselves, it is obviously useless forme to struggle. And though I like thenew Walkmen album A Hundred MilesOff about a hundred times more thanArt Brut’s mothers probably like BangBang Rock & Roll Pitchfork scholarMatt LeMay says that “the album istoo confident for its tentativenessto be moving, and too tentative forits confidence to crystallize into anykind of sustainable momentum.”Such poetry. I never realized that theoveranalyzing rantings of a verbose,naval-gazing rock critic could be sobeautiful, so lyrical, so inscrutable. If5

only someone would set it to musicand sing it with an accent. (Art Brut, areyou listening?)Thankfully, it’s okay to like the newMorrissey album. Sadly, it is only okayto like the new Madonna album withprofound misgivings. But don’t worry.Regina Spektor, Camera Obscura andGnarls Barkley get the big thumbs up,though Frank Black doesn’t fair as well(but who really expected him to? God,when is a solo album from this mangonna get a good review?)So kids, there is help for those of youwho struggle to know which bands toname-check on your next night out,which bands to totally slag off, andwhich albums to keep under your bedflog it until it splits like a stubbornatom diminishes its readability andaccessibility to those who commit thecrime of being casual listeners andinstead saddles it with an elitist tagthat its long-winded critiques anddismissive air of self-importance don’tdo much to negate. To those peopleI would say this: Your lead-footedassertions about Pitchfork are tentativeto the point of unpretentiousnessand mired in a quasi-B-level morass.Moreover you are not confidentenough to be convoluted, and the limp,swollen rhetoric with which you attackPitchfork is mired in an uncrystallizedmound of momentumless andmoribund goo. And that’s notand only listen to when you’re alone inyour room with all the lights turned outwith your headphones on.Some might say that Pitchfork isthe epitome of what is wrong withrock journalism. That, though it mayoffer a great platform for exploring themicroscopic minutiae of more obscure,less celebrated bands than any of themainstream music press, it’s tendencyto dwell on that very minutiae andsustainable.So for your own good, shut yournaïve little mouths and put yourcomplete trust in pitchforkmedia.com.And if you log on now, you just mightbecome privy to the exciting newsthat the lead singer of Xiu Xiu has justannounced that he’s thinking aboutpossibly deciding to consider releasinga turd on a stick next year. In a gatefoldsleeve. Can’t wait for that review.6

Appearing at the Eccentrik Festival at The Pour House, Raleigh, NC October 7th 2006, from right to left; Ego Likeness, Attrition, Anders Manga, High Blue Star, AmericloneMacabre MerrymakingThe Eccentrik Festival enters its third yearBy Daniel LynchWhen asked to write an article coveringthis year’s Eccentrik Festival, an annualIndustrial/Goth event held in downtownRaleigh, I thought I would be able tobreeze by with a detailed overview of theevent particulars and a couple of quickopinions about the artists performing.Then I really started looking into thefestival and realized just how poor arepresentation that would be.Spanning over three days and featuringfive amazing bands, six talented DJs anda unique gathering of unique people, theEccentrik Festival appears to be exactlythat: a festival. It is a celebration, in fact,of art and music that strives to be thefuture and often exploits, even embraces,the darker side of human nature. It alsoappears to be a celebration of, by, andfor the people who push the borders ofconventional behaviors and beliefs. It isa subculture gathering on a grand scalethat deserves to be recognized, as do thepeople who’ve devoted their time andeffort into making it possible.Realizing the importance of this eventand being able to convey that in this writeupwere two different things. Especiallyconsidering that I’ve not had the pleasureof experiencing either of the precedingfestivals. Needing help, I contacted Emma“Mouse” Cabrera, the Event Organizer, andshe kindly shared some time to answer afew questions, which follow.DL- First of all, my thanks to you and yourassociates for your efforts with Eccentrik.Can you tell me a bit about the history ofthe festival?EC- The idea of Eccentrik came aboutthree years ago. I was noticing that wehave a lot of local gothic/industrial bandsand quite a large-sized community herein the Triangle, but we don’t seem to havea lot of live shows. So, I thought it wouldbe a great idea to organize a festival tohopefully encourage bands to come andplay in the area. I asked around for somehelp and discovered that a couple otherpeople had the same thought, so wejoined forces and Eccentrik was born.DL- How has the festival changed since itsfirst happening?EC- We focused everything on a locallevel for the first year, the majority of thebands, DJs, vendors, and artists were allfrom North Carolina. We’ve now decidedto expand our lineup to other areas of thecountry, not to mention the world.DL- There are quite a few people involvedin making the festival possible, how hard isthat to manage and how did you all cometogether?EC- I’m actually quite thankful to havesuch a great group of people workingwith me to make Eccentrik possible. I trusteveryone to do what they’ve volunteeredto do and they don’t disappoint. I reallydon’t think the festival would happen ifI didn’t have them helping. The biggestobstacle I have is trying to organize groupmeetings, which isn’t really that bad in thegrand scheme of things.DL- Obviously, the event will attract thosefanatical about the styles of music andart showcased. Is part of the intent alsoto reach people less acquainted withwhat will be represented or is that even aconsideration?

Father & Son20th Century AntiquesVintage vinyl,clothingand much,much more!vintage /modernfurniture107 W. Hargett St., Raleigh, NC (919)832-3030EC- We definitely want to reach newpeople. Last year, we had quite a largenumber of attendees unfamiliar withseveral of the bands, and they left thefestival as fans. I think we try to find a goodmix of music styles, so that there’s a littlesomething for everyone.DL- What aspect or artist are youpersonally looking forward to the most?EC- I’m looking forward to all of it, to behonest. I know that sounds silly, but I helpto pick out every aspect of the festival, soit all makes me happy. I do really enjoy theparty-like atmosphere and that the bandsand DJs are wandering around with theattendees. There’s no attitude, just a bunchof people having a fun time.DL- Do you have any cherry memoriesfrom past festivals that you could share?EC- One of my favorite moments fromlast year’s festival was early on in theday during setup, I was running aroundgetting things in order and The Last Dancewas doing their sound check. I stopped,listened to the song, turned to one of theother staff members and both of us hadhuge grins on our faces. We both agreedthat we had some great bands scheduledand that it was going to be a fun time. Idon’t think the grin left my face the wholeday.DL- Will there be an Eccentrik Festival Four,and if so, are there any artists you have aneye on for it?EC- I’m pretty sure there will be anEccentrik Four, but I don’t really startthinking about the next year’s festival untilafter the present one is done. There are acouple bands that I’d like to get, but thereare so many factors that go into pickingout the lineup.DL- Thanks Emma.This year’s event is set to begin on October7th, at Kulture (located at 430 S. DawsonSt., on the corner of Cabarrus and Dawson),where both local and visiting DJs willkeep the sounds spinning as everyoneenjoys the initial meetings and greetings.Festivities continue the following nightat The Pour House (at 224 S. Blount St.)where there will be art exhibits, merchvendors, more DJs spinning, and anextraordinary lineup of musicians coveringa broad expanse of stylings, from broodingindustrial and darkwave electronica toatmospheric and experimental trip-hop.The event comes to an end the next day,where everyone is invited to a mellowget-together brunch in downtown Raleighwhere people can vent their excitementover all that’s just occurred and bid theirfarewells.I’d intended to share thoughts on themusicians scheduled to perform this year,and although I’ve listened to and enjoyedtracks by all five groups, I can only reallyclaim to be a fan of one. The group isAttrition, and it is in truth, the only oneI feel confident in spotlighting, withoutsimply rehashing reviews that I’ve read.Out of the millions of adoring wordsrunning through my head as I attemptto describe Attrition, the musical outletof England-born Martin Bowes, the mostrelevant would have to be “pioneer.” Thefirst Attrition single was released in 1982and the first full-length album in 1983.This group has been making music foras long as many of the festival attendeeshave been taking breaths. “Makingmusic” is an understatement for what theband does; creating and exploring richshadowy electronic soundscapes andinfluencing the direction of industrial anddarkwave music would be a more accuratedescription.When divided into dark and light viewsof existence, many choose to believe thatthere is no beauty to be found in the dark.This is not true, and I offer Attrition asmy evidence of proof. Interweaving theephemeral with the operatic, the soundcan at once calm your soul and chill yourbones. Bowes balances his bleak rasp ofvocal delivery with the swaying sopranostylings of a female counterpart whom, onthis tour, I believe is to be Laurie Reade ofHigh Blue Star (with which she will also beperforming at this year’s festival).With fifteen full albums having beenreleased by the band, not to mention themultitudes of singles and remix albumsavailable, it’s hard for me to know whatmaterial to expect at the performance.But I’m sure there will be quite a bitfrom the latest original release, Dante’sKitchen (released by Underground Inc.in 2004), which I’m excited about, asit’s a spectacular album and has shownthat there is still growth in the music ofAttrition. That is rare in most artists afteronly an album or two, and almost unheardof after two decades.The other acts scheduled to performare High Blue Star (a marvelousexperimental trip-hop duo), AndersManga (an internet sensation and risingGoth rock star). Americlone (syntheticsound purveyors), Ego Likeness (makingtheir second Eccentrik Fest appearancewith breathtakingly beautiful darkwaveelectronica). Past festival lineups haveincluded Voltaire, Razed In Black, BellaMorte, and Red All Over, to name but a few.I must, once again, express mygratitude to all those involved in makingthe Eccentrik Festival possible. Those thatlove darker electronica, as I do, know thatlocal events in those genres are few andfar between in this area. This festival morethan makes up for that lack with more(sub)culture over three days then a lot ofpeople are privy to all year.

LambchopDamagedMergeA friend of mine wrote a short storyonce about beautiful loners livingin Boston, all of whom are at a party,some of whom go on to talk aboutLambchop, name dropping as indiekids will, about the shows theyhave seen, or are going to see. Thetwenty-something MIT Nerd Chicposturing had something to do withthat I have never heard anyone havea conversation about Lambchopthat wasn’t smart and earnest andawfully vulnerable. People who goto Lambchop shows are people whorecognize the irony of clapping for asong you love performed and writtenby someone who experienced pain inorder to write it. It looks like Wagneris expounding on that vibe with thislatest album, a darkly beautiful andmelancholic 10 song opus about allthat haunts us, all that hurts us, all thatof Country and Western Civilization”,these moments show the depth ofhis writing, illuminating the bleakestpassages; redemption from the darkdream-designs it so artfully arranges.“Prepared [2]” a new take on an oldsong, feels smoother in the hands ofdifferent collaborators. Ruminatingon the sadness of the mundane, ofthe damage done by suppressing thetruth, the end is cathartic, a releasefrom lies, and the burst of light onthe counter-culture climate of thatcity but it always rang false to me. Shegot short-listed for the Iowa Writers’Workshop, which is no small feat, tobe sure, so maybe I’m the assholehere, but what is quintessentially trueabout Lambchop is that this is musicfor adults, for serious folks, seeing asserious musicians are making it. To bea collective for 20 years in Nashvilleshows that Kurt Wagner and hisbrood are tenacious like a cockroachin a city that chews ‘em up and spits‘em out like no one’s business. I’mnot saying that indie kids can’t ordon’t like Lambchop, I’m just sayingleaves us, calling the album Damaged,perhaps after the heart that wrote it,or maybe the people who will listen.“Paperback Bible”, originally aired asinstrumental music behind a pieceabout radio swap shops on All thingsConsidered on NPR, became in facta ,mélange of actual guest callerrequests, a broken list of what peoplewant, of what people are selling.Somehow sad and funny at the sametime, Lambchop flexes the humormuscle more than once on the album,black humor ditties like “Crackers” orwhen Wagner declares “I’m sorry I stillprefer Jim Nabors” on the “The Declineformer secrets release both thelistener and the character from thegloom of the past.“I Would Have Waited Here All Night” asong written for Candi Stanton is sungfrom the perspective of a woman, (or agay man with a pocketbook), and theresult is strange and lonely. One of thebest tracks on the album, it might beworth checking out Stanton’s debutjust to hear her take on the material.One of the great things aboutLambchop is that even if you aren’t afan of his delivery, you can be a fan ofhis songwriting.The most powerful track is the album

ending “The Decline of Country andWestern Civilization”. Wagner’s voice isthe angriest and strongest on this cut,raw strangle-singing free-wheelingaccusations and lamentations, hecondemns the KKK’s Nathan BedfordForrest as well as “pitchfork I-rocksaviors” and the media in general.Wagner no doubt, has noticed that ifyou pay attention to the world aroundyou and outside of you it will makeyou fucking angry, angry enough towrite a beautiful and tortured song toease the balance a little the other way.Ultimately that is what the album isabout in general; it’s about grief andgetting over grief through somethingbigger than yourself, or your world. It’sabout coming out clean on the otherside.-BecomThe NeinTransitionalismsSonic UnyonTransitionalisms will be no surprise tofans of The Nein’s Wrath of Circuits, inthat it is raucous and angular, usingfound sounds and tape loops to addtexture and depth to undeniablydance-y rock songs; but many fansmay be surprised to learn that it marksa goodbye to founding bass playerCasey Burns. Usually transition EP’sor swan song records are flat anddisappointing rehashing of previouswork, old ideas, stale efforts. As alwaysthe Nein defy expectations, there isnothing “usual” about this band. Thisveritable no-man’s land betweenalbums comes across incredibly alive,strange and taut and tangible withthe cross currents of collaboration, likeQ and Not U got trapped in a closet(“Rubber…rubber… rubber…”) withJohn Zorn and birthed a 6 song EP.Opening with a vibrant cover of theredoubtable Zombies’ “Butcher’s Tale”the album reminds anyone who sawthe White Octave as Black Sabbathat Kings that these guys know rockand roll. As creepy and catchy as theoriginal material is, The Nein takethings to a new level; opening withstatic and the explosion of guitars,the band puts a signature warpedtime mark on it, a revised paranoidanthem for the here and now, all fearof machines and ourselves as our ownworst enemy.The second track “Transitionalisms”takes over, segueing to just drumsand a counterintuitive western styleeastern guitar line, the resultingchange like cold water thrown overyour jittery ass dancing frame. Whenthe titular song ends after just 38seconds, you realize what is wrongwith this EP; it’s too goddamnedshort. The lazy fingered Bedouinmorsel is the perfect intro to “HospitalTelevision” rather a more poetic andpeotic ramble of strange imagery,“On a dead sea/ hospital television/glows amid refuse/ the crew is alldrunk/ when you die.” Lengthenedover a digital landscape at the middleof the disc, the arrangement drags alittle, so when the guitars come in it’sa relief, and sounds not unlike DollyParton playing the Twin Peaks themesong, pretty and fucked up and kindof haunting, searching for commonground.“Sexy Beast”, named for the BenKingsley movie of the same name isjust as terrifying and brutal Kingsley’scharacter in the film, with guitarsthat sound like sirens and the urgentdrumming creating the perfectsoundtrack for getting molested by afight attendant. Member Fin Cohen’sbrother Crash, or MC Crash, uses aclear eyed perspective on an old trackand creates something unique andyet classically The Nein-ish with “TheVibe (Crash’ Bleeder Remix). It stripsdown the original (which appeared onCircuits) and brings some TV on theRadio-esque sing-a-long and blusterto the track, making a different animalaltogether. Never underestimatethe power of hand claps to bringsomething organic and real to anypiece that could have become anothermash up of digital jury-rigging andcleft and dexterous rock.Album ender “Convalescent Homes”is everything that is good aboutThe Nein, weird and thoughtful andelegant, the sounds of the past overimages of an impending future,singing, “I am in line with my mistakes”,in rebuttal to the cry “It’s the end ofthe world”. Lucky for fans of The Nein,it‘s not the end of the world, it’s just adifferent country they are traveling to.-Becom

I Hate Rock Star:SupernovaPixies could crap a better rock song than you can hear on Rock Star: Supernova.By Kevin HalesWow, wow, wow, wow. Wow.Wow wow wow. LALALALALAboodulaboodulaboodula. Spit spitspit. I’ve just seen this abominationand I’m like chock full of fight or flightresponse. I really want to hit the showreally hard right in the face. Or run realreal fast and wave my arms all crazyand laugh weird so that it scares theneighborhood and kinda scares meeven though I’m the one doing it.So the one guy does “Smells Like TeenSpirit” by Nirvana. I don’t know, Nirvanahas never been some huge deal forme. Kurt Cobain even said himself thatthey were just a Pixies cover band (tohis immense credit). He did say that,right? I’ve told people that story about25 times. Same with Thom Yorke sayinghe’s just trying to imitate Jeff Buckley.They’re some of my favorite things tosay regarding music, so someone plschk for me.OK, Nirvana, not one of my absolutefavorites, but a solid band. Now this guyon the show was doing the Nirvanacover and you would not believe thisimbecile. Don’t know his name, let’s callhim “Angst On A Stick.” He’s all doingthat chest-patting thing that these dayssignifies uncontrollably intense fakesincerity, plus all the faces, the pieceof-crapsneer, and of course the Creed/Matchbox 20 or matchbox twentyor whatever/Chris Monkeyface FromAmerican Idol The-Pride-Of-This-One-Billboard-In-Greensboro voice. KurtCobain, if only you were still alive andyou had that shotgun and you were inthe audience watching this guy vomityour song.Again, Nirvana wasn’t the bestthing in the world, but they were notposeurs. Or Kurt Cobain at least wasnot a poseur. He was not faking angst.And that’s the deal with rock music--it’ssupposed to be, at its root, rebellious,irreverent, and not a smidgen put-onor phony. It’s supposed say, “fuck offto everything, I’m making this soundbecause I have to and I don’t care.”(The merits of that semi-nihilisticattitude are eternally open to debate.Plus, it’s weird for music to be usedfor such purportedly raw, fiercelynonconformist expression, since musicpretty much universally adheres tocertain chord structures and rhythms.“I’m raging, man, raging against themachine! I’m sick of this fascist worldtrying to break me! I’m going to rage,man! I’m going to rage, in 4/4 time withthis little roughly rhyming poem thingyverse-chorus-verse-chorus-bridgechorus-repeatand fade out.”)So you’ve got über-rock rebelsDave Navarro (who by the way is gayerthan Freddie Mercury’s mustache, andCarmen Electra is just a fake-tittiedbeard and you can tell him I said thatbecause what is he going to do, fix myhair to death?) and Tommy Lee andGilby Clarke (Guns ‘n’ Roses Mark IIrhythm guitarist) and the weird lookingbassist from Metallica I think. This crewof judges is supposed to pick a leadsinger from a collection of Temptation-Island-reject cartoon versions of rockstars.And you would think that thesesupposed rockers would have a littlesense of irony about the whole thing.Or a little shame. But no, and I meanseriously, not the teeniest bit. Here’swhat Dave Navarro lisped after AngstOn A Stick made a show tune out of“Smells Like Teen Spirit”:“What I like about you – when thesong that you’re doing calls for angst,you have the angst and you put itinto your performance.” (Crowd goesYAAAAAAAY!)And thus dies any iota of a rocklegacy to which Jane’s Addiction orthe Red Hot Chili Peppers still laidclaim. I mean, what’s up focus-groupconsumerist rock? “When the songcalls for angst”? Yeah, I can see Cobainsaying, “Well, the demographic we weretargeting here calls for angst, so I’mgoing to do my angst face here, andalso beat my chest earnestly.”This isn’t American Rock Star withSimon Cowell. These guys are reallysupposed to be old serious rocklegends. Tommy Lee’s telling the guy,“I think it would be really good if youslammed down your guitar at somepoint.” You don’t destroy your guitarbecause it’s good MARKETING! Youdestroy your guitar because you’reup there and you’re sick of everythingincluding your guitar and your musicand you have to destroy things!I just can’t believe this. I mean, Iknew it was all a fraud, I knew Poisonand Def Leppard and Motley Cruewere not actually tough guys but banddorks who grew their hair out and puton makeup and feather clip thingies. Irealized that when I was 14, but I didn’tknow how much of a fraud it was. Theyare the opposite of rock. They are worsethan the Spice Girls, by far, becausethey pretended to really mean it. Theytricked little Beavises and Buttheadsthe world over. They’re worse thanwhat Spinal Tap is parodying – at leastNigel actually believed his own mess,and wasn’t just acting a part. (I thinkthere are multiple layers of irony therebut I’m not sure.)Watch the show, really, loyal readers.Please, it’s like the hardest cringingyou’ll ever do.Kevin Hales is from Greensboro, NC. Hewould like to be your one Republicanfriend. Get to know him at http://www.southpawgrammar.com.

MOMMY,WHAT’S A DARK MEAT?A Diary Of a Weekend’s Journey With The Dark Meat Vomit Lasers Family Band.By Vince CarmodyDark Meat. Sounds good, right? Whatabout following that with Vomit LasersFamily Band? I think it’s kind of strange.You might too, but it is definitelysomething that you can remember onceyou’ve seen them. They are a good band.Dark Meat came to the Triangle backin March of 2006. They brought their10 piece traveling set with them. Athome, in Athens, GA., they have up to 18members. One could say that Dark Meatcan do serious damage with a homecourt advantage. For instance, they werebanned from the Morton Theater afterplaying an award ceremony for theirlocal paper, Flagpole, which is akin ourweekly Independent. More on that later.Dark Meat formed when Jim McHugh(vox/gtr) and Ben Clack (bass/vox)wanted to start a Neil Young coverband. Eventually, Jim and Ben gathereda few more musicians: lead guitaristKris Deason, Charlie Estes, Nick Canada,Jeff Tobias, Alexis Daglis & Aaron Jollayon horns, and two drummers, ForrestLeffer and Jason Robira. HeatherHeyn-Leffer, Page Campbell and ClaireCampbell bring back up vocals andsome choreography to the mix. JohnFernandes takes care of the violin andclarinet duties while Peter Erchickhandles keyboards. Kayla handles gogo.And almost all of them sing. All ofthat equals The Dark Meat Vomit LasersFamily Band who, in lieu of Neil Youngcovers, play their own outrageous andoriginal music.My journey started Friday afternoonat 1pm. I left Raleigh to be in a videoand play on stage with Dark Meat atthe 40 Watt Club. I was excited. Fastforward through I-85 and mild traffichold ups, firework purchases and tapesof South Carolinian preachers talkingabout the wrath. I arrived at the DarkMeat Compound: Jim and Ben’s houseand the band’s practice space. Picturethis: a 40-year-old teal/aqua singlestory scattered with cigarette butts andempty Schlitz cans, among other various

July - Gretchen Walker - 2nd floor Main Gallery,Alan Botifoll - Stairwell Landing GalleryAugust - Gretchen Walker - 2nd floor Main MainGallery, Jerome Terrell - Stairwell Landing GallerySeptember - Jenn Prenda 2nd floor Main Gallery,Moneequaa - 3rd floor Main Floor GalleryOct. - Guy Watkins - 2nd floor Main Gallery,Moneequaa - 3rd floor Main FloorNov. - 500 Under 50Dec. - 500 Under 50Openings/Receptions First Friday, 6pm till midnightWould you like to show your art with me?Call or email and lets make it happen!Live Art Rageouslykirkadam@yahoo.comOpen 7 days a week. 1pm till 6pmFirst Friday till Midnight and by appointment.beverage containers spilling out of therecycling bins. As I arrived, they werehashing out the song “Well, Fuck YouThen” and it sounded pretty good. I wastold to enter the house when I got there,so that I could relax after over five hoursof driving.The music sounded muffled, butblared as soon as I opened the door. Theband finished practice and, one by one,the Family Band filed out with a look ofslight fatigue and utter contentment.The low energy was probably due tothe heat—inside and out. Within fiveminutes of finishing “Dead Man,” Nicksuggested that we should go swimming.“Hey, let’s go crash that pool.” It seemedlike a good idea. I was on vacation andeverything sounded like a good idea.Have you ever seen ANY of the NationalLampoon movies? After the poolcrashing, we sought out sustenance.However, a change of clothes was inorder first.After the food, I started to get mysecond wind. We headed down to the 40-Watt with some of the Family membersto catch the last few songs from VeniceIs Sinking. The singer and the violinistseemed to have a knack for on-stagebanter. The scripts they held in theirhands probably helped. VIS played theirlast song, a cover of the Violent Femmes“Good Feeling” and they nailed it. I hadthat vocal melody that repeats at the endthe song stuck in my head for the rest ofthe night.We crashed another pool later on, lostour clothing in the midst of the madness,but found it once a Dodge Sprinter pulledup all bassmobile* like, complete with 40oz of King Cobra. The last person to comeout of the van was a girl, dressed ratherclubby*, complete with fur Kangol hat.Her boyfriend threw her into the pool.The girl replied by chugging some Cobraand yelling out “Ya dumbass muthafucka’,you got my Kangol all wet!” We decidedto leave and go back to the house to passout. Tomorrow we had the video shootand the 40-Watt show.I woke up on the couch in thecompound. Ben put on a copy ofWeen covering Dark Side of the Moon.It seemed odd. Ominous, maybe. Idon’t know. I think that Sparks wasstill kicking around in my system. Benshut off the Ween and showed me theperformance from the Morton Theaterthat I mentioned earlier. He told meabout how the everyone in the theaterwas wary of Dark Meat and they hadthe feeling that no one wanted themthere. Dark Meat was up for an award,but did not win. Their response wasan 18-minute medley of some of theirtunes, going over their time limit byeight minutes. Dark Meat went all out.Aaron Jollay brought scones from JitteryJoes, a local and fairly well known coffeeshop (that’s where that Jeff Mangum livealbum was recorded). Steve Miller, whowas handling DM’s extra percussion thatnight, threw a scone into the audience.The scone happened to hit the directorof the theater in the head. Then a guythat they didn’t know got busy knockingover the mics and falling into themonitors. He got up and threw a brokenmaraca, hitting another promoter of thegig sitting in the audience. A slight riotensued and after the performance andDark Meat was banned. As I watched theperformance, it gave me a good idea ofwhat this band can do when they play intheir hometown.

We got dressed. I decided to wearall white to deflect the sunlight. Thevideo shoot was in a park about 30minutes outside of Athens. Its oneof those state regulated type placeswhere families were allowed but alcoholwasn’t. Fortunately Patrick, who headsan Athens outfit called The GingerEnvelope, saw this circumstance inadvance and we were con cerveza thanksto his backpack.The director for this video, JorgeTorres, had been chatted up as somesadistic director; always making hissubjects suffer for their art. This wasn’tmy art, as such, but I suffered just asmuch as anyone else because I wantedto be a part of it. The first scene wasprobably the most painful: noondaysun, black face paint, the flat rock thatwould burn your feet if you walked onit bare, and did I mentioned mid 90temperatures? Oh, all the more pleasurefor Jorge, who took about 4 minutes toshoot a segment that would only takeup about 40 seconds in the video. Nextwere other subsequent “death” scenes.The video became an interpretationof Ingmar Bergman’s The Seventh Seal,Southern-style. At the end, we wereall baptized and ordered to float untileveryone had been dunked. I floated forabout 5 minutes, eyes closed, wonderingif that tick I pulled off was going to makeme sick.We left and were very tired, hot,hungry, kinda drunk and smelled likenature. We raced with Jorge’s Explorerback to Athens, blasting Neil Young andhaving smokes bummed left and right.“Goood feeeeling, won’t you stay withme, just a little looooongeeerrr.”I opted out of the sound check. Icaught up on some phone calls and ashower. My white outfit was ruined bythe day’s muddy river. Oh well, theywere just thrift store clothes. $5 for thegreater good.I arrived at the 40-Watt ready todon my outfit and prepare myself fora pot/pan banging session, the likesof which I haven’t seen since I wasseven years old sitting on my kitchenfloor. The Gerbils and The Instrumentsopened up. The Instruments playedtunes that combined folk and dream-likeatmospheres while The Gerbils spazzedout through a good set. Backstage, allthe Family were painting their faces,changing clothes, drinking beer andlaughing at each other’s costumes. Thefeeling was familiar—but now the faceswere becoming that, too. Jokes aboutme being the 19 th member were justthat friendly reminder that I needed toput on those red furry chaps, matchingvest and a Santa wig. Dark Meat chargedlike a rhino to a fire through their set. Igrabbed my instruments and dancedthrough the audience. I looked like thesick lovechild of Santa Claus and TexasPete. I watched Dark Meat throughmy hasty dancing. I saw that at home,they are the masters of their domain.They played off each other and alwaysseemed to be in the right place at theright time. Watching them becamesurreal until I was motioned to get backon the stage. I ran behind the stageand up to the entrance. Being on stagewas completely different. Dark Meat’slive show had done something to theiraudience. It was like looking down oncreation; the light in everyone’s eyeseemed to be the feedback to thattangible energy that comes from playinggood songs very well. The audienceseemed to get as lost in the moment asthe band did. Dark Meat ended their setwith a cover of The Velvet Underground’s“Sister Ray”. To say that it was anappropriate closer for the eveningwould be a gross understatement.After copious amounts of cheeringand applause, Dark Meat thanked theiraudience and descended from the stageto retire and pick up where they left offbefore they played. Of course, in tenminutes, everyone was packing up andloading the van. At this point in theday, everyone was wiped out, includingme. I found that couch again. I fellasleep again. The next day, I returned toRaleigh. The ride home was boring, yetquicker than the ride there. I thoughtabout how much fun I had and howmuch I already missed it.The Dark Meat Vomit Lasers are playingat Kings on Thursday, September 14 th . Theshow starts at 10 p.m. and I will say thatyou owe it to yourself, if you have anyappreciation for music and performance,to come and witness one of the best bandsto come around in a long, long time.Period.

Am I Saying “Meow”???A fourteen year old boy in Jeannete,Pennsylvania has been charged withharassment of his seventy-eight year oldneighbor. Not for trespassing on her damnlawn, or playing that crazy music to loud,but for meowing. Yes, meowing. Theneighbor, Alexandria Carasia, has saidabout the boy “Every time he sees me, hemeows.” The boy’s family had gotten ridof their cat due to Carasia’s complaints tothe local police that it used her flower bedas a litter box. Apparently, Carasia feelsthat the young man’s meowing since thenconstitutes harassment. Jeannette DistrictJudge Joseph DeMarchis has been askedto decide whether the word constitutesharassment or not. He has decided to waitninety days before ruling, and will base hisdecision on how the young man and Carasiaact in the meantime. The boy’s defenseattorney has stated “This should never havebeen filed. This is not something the policeshould be wasting their time with or wastingthe court’s time.” In the boy’s defense, theteenager has testified that he only meowedat the woman twice, but really, how manymeows does it take? How long until theyouth of America are meowing at everyonewho walks by them on the street? We shouldhave the right to leave our homes and placesof business without being subjected to themeowing of underage youth. You knowwhat we’re saying, meow?Only a Matter of Time till he’s on CribsIn Alexandria, Indiana Sebastian, a one yearold Persian, has had his gold crowns placedon his front teeth. His owner David Steele,a dentist, gave the cat crowns in order tostrengthen his lower teeth, which had anunusual underbite. Steele was worried thefangs might break off or become a problem.Veterinarian Larry Owen, who tranquilizedthe cat for the procedure, said putting gold18crowns on teeth can be done for any petwith a dental problem. “Mostly, though,it was a fun thing to do. [Steele is] alwaysup to something or trying something new,”Owen said. The cost for gold crowns foran animal is about the same as for a human,roughly nine hundred dollars per tooth.Steel has apparently also put a gold crownon his Boston terrier. Both animals areexpected to rob convenience stores in thenear future.I Wonder What They Use for the Pole?Bad news, folks. Local officials in theJiangsu province of China have finallyoutlawed funereal strippers. Fivepeople have been detained for “obsceneperformances” during a farmer’s funeralin Donghai county. The common practicehas been used in the past to increase thecrowds of mourners, since large crowds areseen as a mark of honor in Chinese culture.Obviously, it works. Two hundred peoplewere said to have attended the funeral.The five detainees are the leaders of fivestriptease troupes, including two involvedin the farmer’s funeral. Unfortunately,these arrests may signal the end of therural tradition. It’s sad, really. Besidesbeing a nice way to cheer up mourners,the deceased doesn’t get his last hurrah.Can’t you just hear it now? Stripperssinging “Happy Deathday” in Marilynesquefashion to the lucky deceased. Americashould take note of these ancient Easternpractices. “Dad, am I going to die one daylike grandpa?” “Yes, son, but not for a longtime.” “Damn.”It’s not a Bomb, but it Still Might Go OffA man traveling to Turkey through O’HareInternational Airport was stopped afterguards found an object resembling agrenade in his baggage. According to CookCounty prosecutors, Madin Azad Amin(andyou know with a name like that, this is justasking for trouble) when questioned aboutthe device by guards said it was a bomb.Amin later told officials that he had liedbecause his mother was nearby, and hedid not want her to hear that the item wasactually part of a penis pump. Amin’sattorney claims that the man whispered theword “pump”, not bomb, and that the guardsimply misunderstood. According to defenseattorney Eileen O’Neill-Burke, “He told herit’s a pump. He’s standing with his mother.Of course he’s not going to shout this out.”After the female security guard testified thatshe heard Amin clearly say the word bomb,however, Judge Gerald Winiecki decidedthere was sufficient evidence for the caseto move forward. Amin is charged withfelony disorderly conduct. If convicted, hecould face as much as three years in prison.Amin stated that officials did not give him achance to explain, and that he would neveruse the word bomb in a crowded airport.Further, he believes a penis pump is not anunusual object to own. “It’s normal. Halfof America they use it,” he said. However,half of America, they don’t take it on a planeduring increased terror alertness. Moron.“Do You Know what a Hatchet is, Bug?”Eighty-five year old Harley Tapp washolding a yard sale at his home in Knoxville,Tennessee. A man came by the yard saleand asked Tapp for a specific item when noother customers were around. Tapp led himto a shed to get the item, and while his backwas turned, the man grabbed a hatchet andattacked him. Police believe robbery wasthe motive, as the man ran off with cashtaken from Tapp. Relatives later found thatTapp’s van was missing, presumably stolenby the assailant. Tapp underwent surgeryto repair damage to his head and arm afterthe attack. His son, Bobby Tapp, said “Thisguy needs to be in jail. If he’d do this toan elderly man, imagine what he might doto a child or pregnant woman.” There hasbeen no word as to the status of the hatchet,which remains in our thoughts and prayers.

(a little bit different.)frankhurst.marketing@gmail.com19

The Beat of Beating OffAn Interview with Porn Soundtrack Producer Mark DawopBy Libby LynnLast spring, I met Mark Dawop onan Adam & Eve porn shoot in LosAngeles. One of his many dutiesincludes writing, recording andproducing soundtracks for Adultvideos. After interviewing him for theHatchet, I believe Mark may have thecoolest job of anyone we’ll ever know.Give us a brief description of yourjob, as it relates to producingsoundtracks for porno movies.It’s basically very simple. I’m givena finished film, I go over it with thedirector and get his feel on whatsound he intended. I sketch out somerough ideas and get his approval andexpand on those ideas to fill up a20-25 minute sex scene. Plus, I get towatch free porn while doing it. And Iget paid to boot.You must be the envy of everystarving musician in Los Angeles.How the hell did you land thisawesome gig?I am the envy of starving musiciansand starving non-musicians. I gotstarted on this by sheer luck. I meta prominent director in the Adultindustry while working at a popularmusical instrument chain.What is your process for scoringa porn movie? Do you have ideasbefore you see the final product?Do certain scenes or sex acts inspireyou more than others?I usually approach it from a themeorientedstandpoint. If the themeis fast cars and fast women, thesoundtrack ROCKS. Obviously formore romantic films, I take a gentlerapproach. But it’s the rhythm thatreally matters. Believe it or not, I willmatch the tempo of the song to thehumping on screen. If a scene is reallyraunchy, I try to make the music nasty.What kind of instruments do youplay on your X-rated soundtracks?What recording equipment do youprefer?I’m a fairly well rounded musician.I play keyboards, guitar, bass, anddrums. But because there are alwaysdeadline issues, I usually programdrums since I need to get this stuffdone pretty quickly. I usually use thecomputer because it has programsthat can do a lot of these soundswithout going into a recording studio.I like to use the program Reason byPropeller Head. Any musician whodoesn’t know about it should check itout. I also use Pro-Tools.If you subtract the sex, whatmusic genres do your soundtrackstypically fall into?I write many different genres, whichis one of the reasons I got hired. Youhave to be versatile to do this work.You must be able to go from discoto techno to metal if you have to.Whatever the mood calls for. If youonly know how to write for one typeof genre, you can’t hack it in thisbusiness.To pay homage to the Golden Era ofpornography, do you ever thrownin a few cheesy bowm-chica-bowmbowmbass lines?I’ve done it a couple of times, whenit’s appropriate - like when the sceneinvolves a pool boy or cable repairman.What are your top three inspirationsfor writing porn soundtracks?Sex. Sex. Sex. And loads of research!Is there a difference between themusic you write for Adult features(elaborate porn with storylines and“acting”) versus Gonzo videos (sexcentricporn)?YES! Features require much moremusic. Gonzos usually only have musicat the beginning of the scene, to leadin to the sex. A lot of Gonzo pornhas minimal music, so viewers canexperience the raw action. Featuresrequire more traditional soundtrackssince there is more story involved.Has any of your Adult workspawned new ideas for yourmainstream music?Yes, believe it or not. I have let myselfgo in directions I never thought ofexploring before. Making the propermatch between music and film has ledme to some uncharted territory.What is your favorite piece of pornmusic you’ve recorded so far? Doesit have a title?I love everything I did for Jane Blond:DD7. I got to write some Mariachimusic, something I had never donebefore. Another good one was for TheContractor. There’s some really goodguitar work in that one. Both of thosemovies were for Adam and Eve.Does your job description get youany attention from the ladies?Yeah – porn stars, which I’m sure noman would object to getting.What’s the most bizarre thingyou’ve ever experienced while

scoring a porno flick?Some of the blowjob scenesI’ve seen made my eyes popout of my head.What would yourecommend to those ofus who want to hear yoursoundtracks in action?I’m really excited about thework I’m doing on Adamand Eve’s upcoming filmLady Scarface. It’s one of thecoolest pornos ever made,as far as I’m concerned.You’ll be hearing about thatone soon.Your porn name is MarkDawop. Does this meanyou’re Italian?What are you trying to say?I’ll leave it up to your ownconclusions.And finally, the thingthat every band memberreading this wants toknow: How can a fuckedup,drunk and deadbrokemusician get intothe porn music business?I wouldn’t know, since Ihave never been a fuckedup,drunk and dead-brokemusician. I would imaginethey need to get their shittogether, and put togethera demo tape.Thanks so much for yourtime! Any parting words?Reach for the pornstars!Mark Dawop lives inCalifornia, meets all the topporn actresses, gets all thefree porn he wants, and getspaid for it. You can checkout Jane Blond: DD7and The Contractor onAdameve.com.

ies (March 21 – April 19)our boyfriend is going through reversevolution. Soon he will turn into an ape.our father always thought he was aaboon; I suppose he was right.aurus (April 20 – May 20)alf a gator in an encyclopedia will eat yound dismantle your car into pieces of meat.he LSD you took is turning your ears intongers which are washing your face. Didour mother not tell you drugs were bad?h, mommy…emini (May 21 – June 21)edazzling one’s couch may seem like areat idea. But alas, it is ugly.t is time to put down theedazzler, the hot glue gunnd the jewels, and get a realob.ancer (June 22 – July 22)ay in the bath with your headnderwater. Open your eyes.ake sure that you haven’toaped up yet or else it willting.eo (July 23 – August 22)ou will get an opportunityo become a traffic reporteror the local news station.on’t let your inclinationowards profanity get younto trouble with the Federalommunications Commission.irgo (August 23 –eptember 22)ou will pull your groinhile laughing at America’sunniest Home Videos. It isoo embarrassing to admit, soou tell people that you werelaying sports…they don’telieve you.Libra (September 23 – October 23)Shameless flirting will get you intotrouble with the law when you mistake anundercover cop looking for prostitutes fora drunk guy at the bar.Scorpio (October 24 – November 21)You have to drink pee when you answerthis question wrong: “drink cold pee orwarm Mountain Dew?”Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)Your morning poo will look like a mixbetween Albert Einstein and Mark Twain.That is quite an accomplishment.Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)Forgetting to shower could result ina permanent stench of pubescentsex. People will wonder why a thirtysomethingsmells like a teenage boy. Youwill be branded “pervert” for the rest ofyour days in Raleigh.Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)You will shit your pants at a friend’s house.He is surprisingly cool about it: he lets youshower, and he loans you some shorts.Pisces (February 19 – March 20)Do not read this horoscope. Too late.

y Claire Ashbyear Claire,am 23 and have been with this guy, whos 31, for about two-and-a-half years.e is the first serious boyfriend I havever had, and I love him very much, butam beginning to wonder if he is bador me. Sometimes he says mean thingshat make me feel bad about myself, likee calls me clumsy or teases me when Im feeling fat. He sayshat the time he spendsith me is “a gift toe” and makes me feelow on his priority list,ehind his friends andoccer. But other timese is nice to me andreats me to dinner, hes good with my family,nd I just can’t picturey life without him,ince he is the only guyhave ever loved. Andhe poor treatment hasnly been going on forhe past six monthsr so -- before that, heanted to spend all his time with me andomplimented me often. I was thinkingf breaking up with him to show himhat he might lose, but I’m worried thatmight miss him and not be able to getim back. What should I do?incerely,nder Appreciatedear Under,ow, I don’t know what to say. Oh wait,es I do: FUCK THAT GUY. Not in the literalense, but in the “break up with him” sense.ou will probably be playing right into hisands (i.e. getting his pussy-ass off theook by doing his dirty work for him) buthat bit of pride lost is nothing comparedo what he’s doing to your self-esteemvery time he belittles you or puts you athe bottom of his “to-do” list. Since this ishe first “boyfriend” you’ve ever had maybeou don’t realize that this is NOT the way aoyfriend should treat you. Let me clue youn — the occasional dinner and sucking upo your family (a manipulative move, by theay) don’t make up for making fun of you,gnoring you and acting like the time hepends with you is a “gift” you should feelrivileged to have.You’re only 23, Under; you have HEAPSof time to do better. Do you really wantto spend the rest of your life, or evenone more minute, with this demeaningasshole? The sooner you free yourself,the sooner you’ll be able to move on to adecent relationship with someone whoappreciates you. Run, Lola, run!good luck, and good riddance,ClaireSo Claire,I want to get your opinion about thisscenario, or at least get it the fuck off mychest, because it is just bad manners nomatter how you look at it.I recently hooked up with whatI call a dabbler - a straight boy wholikes to occasionally hook up withdudes. Anyhoo...we get it on in themost random of fashions and it was,admittedly, fun for both of us. Cause,hey, it’s sex! I saw him around and evenmade jokes, not about our session, well,kinda about our session. He borrowed apair of my shorts and I told him to returnthem without washing them. He smiled,but that was about it. Well, we met uprecently with the intent of hookingup. At least that is what I thought. Hisroomie was out of town, which he calledto tell me, and we had to meet up at adinner for my work. Yeah, this is sorted*,right? Well, we get loaded and I take himto a couple of bars gay and straight. Weare pretty looped and are on our wayhome. We are near my house and I amgetting out of the cab when he talks meinto going back to his place. I say what23the fuck...cause it’s sex! We get there andtalk, eat a pizza, and drink a couple ofbeers. Next thing I know...I am lying onthe couch and he is in bed, alone, withno intent of getting it on. What the fuckis up with that? He is young, almost 12years my junior, and I, admittedly, shouldknow better, but what the fuck!? If youare gonna offer up some pussy, or ass inthis case, give it the fuck up SHIT!(unsigned)Dear_______,Ahh youth — up foranything and LOTS of energy.Also, unfortunately, generallyclueless and suffering fromhead-up-assiness. Theseafflictions often manifestthemselves in inconsideratebehavior and generalrudeness and really there’snot a damn thing you cando about it but chalk it upto inexperience. Sounds tome like the Dabbler (now,c’mon, you knew THAT wasgoing to be trouble fromthe beginning) thought hewanted the night to end in sex but changedhis mind when he realized “hey, I’m notgay” or at least that he didn’t want to admithe’s gay by acting like it. Or maybe he justgot too drunk to fuck. Sad but true, thishappens. Regardless, the um, bottom line isthat he left you hanging with your dick inyour hand. He’s a prick-tease (when’s the lasttime you heard that ol’ chestnut?) but he’salso just young, dumb and full of... himselfand you can’t really fault him too much forthat. I think the best you can do is simplyrefuse his next request that you comehome with him and leave him hanging inreturn. Maybe he’ll learn something from it.Or not. Some people never learn but let thatbe their problem, not yours.hang on, hanger,Claire* ed. note: did you mean “sordid?”If you have a question about love, lust orlife you can contact Claire Ashby via email at:twocents@raleighhatchet.comOr write her care of:The Raleigh Hatchet,3104 Hillsborough St. #164Raleigh, NC 27607