Fall 2001 - The Pennsylvania Punch Bowl

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Tour of Huntsman Hallby Tim PirolliNearing completion, the newest Whartonite monstrosity offers all the creature comforts of capitalism.Floor 1 (The Yuppy Mill)A-D. Room after room of Rubber ChickensE. DNA Sequencing FacilityF. Escalator from HellG. Reptile HouseH. CEO Torturing FacilityI. Large Animal Husbandry FacilityJ. BMW ShowroomK. Stable for Herd of Evil UnicornsL. Meat LockerM. Outdoor Pen for Free-Range AccountantsFloor 2 (The M&T Playground)N. StarbucksO. Xando/CosiP. StarbucksQ. Hallway of DespairR. Blood Bank and BarS. Gas ChamberT. Top-Secret Oompa-Loompa Slave FarmU. Brainwashing AuditoriumV. Electrified Barbed WireW. Unprofitable Outside WorldX. The Mysterious “X” RoomThe Wharton SiloY. Young Republicans BoardroomZ. Secret Location of the O’Reilly Factor1. Cocaine Silo2. GAP for Kids3. Ego Petting Zoo4. Large Laser Pointed Directly at Alderaan5. Shrine to Golden Calf6. MBA “Baths”7. Canadian Winery/Starbucks8. Housing for Young, Well-Oiled Thai Boys9. Storage Room for Huntsman Hall Blueprints.This, people, is why everyone hates America.
LL Cool J: AuthorAmerica’s Rappers Second CareersSnoop Dogg: The Biotech IndustryOl’ Dirty Bastard:Personally ArrangedFlower Bouquetsby Jesse FriedmanSnow: Panhandlingon the Streetsof Toronto“This is a book of relationshipadvice forurban couples. See, thebiggest problem withrelationships is homeysand shorteez have troublecommunicating --they come from differentplaces. Read thisbook, and pretty soon,you’ll be doin’ it well.”“I used to say biotechs ain’t shit. Asfar as I was concerned, biotechscould lap my nuts and suck mydiock. I mean, in today’s falteringeconomy, if a biotech can’t swim,that biotech’s bound to drizown. Butthen I started using the latest tecnologiesto develop some damn fine indo.Now I got dozens of biotechs allover the country. Shit, I got morebiotechs than I even know what to dowith. My competitors best knizow: ifyour biotech ain’t got no kind ofchronic, yo punk ass has gots to go.”T.P.Look at this shit -- theseflowers is some prettymotherfuckers. I stay myass up late as hell delicatelyhand-picking this shit.But my hard work pays off:have you ever seen finerfucking floral decorations?Shit motherfucker, I know Iain’t. Martha Stewart andall them bitches can kissmy ass. Yeah baby, I like itraw. Wu Tang forever.‘Ey mon, it’s me, Snow. I’msure I don’t have to tell youmy unique brand of caucasian-Canadianraggae-rapand unaccountable Carribeanpatois didn’t exactly havemuch lasting power... so nowI’m back in the Toronto ghettowhere I pretended to gr--Imean, where I grew up, livingon the streets and begging forchange. Speaking of which,can you spare 85 cents for busfare, mon?T.P.
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Fall 2001 - The Pennsylvania Punch Bowl

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