Fall 2001 - The Pennsylvania Punch Bowl

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Nostradamalert!by Jonathan RosenTake a look at these astounding sample predictons:ONLY $19.95!Hey America... you’ve probably heard by now that ifyou’d only listened to me, the whole World Trade Centertragedy could have been avoided.Well, don’t let the stupid future take you by surprise everagain! Just sign up for my Nostradamalertservice and receive relevant predictionsweeks, even months before tragedy strikes!- “The fury of the beast of the Louvre shall escapeacross the Seine, and the peasants shall feel itsawesome wrath.”Translation: Animals have escaped from the zoo.Stay inside.- “The sacred seal has been broken, and the seedof discord has been planted deep within thee.”Translation: You’re pregnant.- “The king of thorns shall fall, and the joy of athousand maidens go dim. The crimson splendorfades like souls into the abyss.”Translation: Your rose bushes need watering.- “With a pestilence of anthrax, the Saudi Knightshall spread his plague across the Easternseaboard. None will be spared.”Translation: It’s going to rain, or something.This season on ABC, America’sfavorite Annoying Next-DoorNeighbor is backPatience Running ShortStarring Jaleel White as Aaron ShortBased on data collected by the University of Pennsylvania in Spring of 2001 (n = 3776)Patience Running Short...Awkwardly cornering you in yourliving room this season on ABC J.F.
Images of Familiar Faces in Unfamiliar PlacesIn the smoke of the September 11 attacks, a photographer for the NewYork Times (in other words, a fat, overpaid, former DP bitch-boy looking to capitalizeon one of the worst events in our nation's history) photographed a mysteriousface emerging from the falling debris. At first, many people thought this wasa Whartonite smiling after he short sold all his stocks before the attacks. Later,the image was confirmed to be the face of Satan. Those who had originallythought the face was a Whartonite's were pleased to hear their initial suspicionswere correct.Of course, this is not the first time a figure from the afterworld was seenin a pile of rubbish. Many may recall hearing about the image of the Virgin Maryfound on a donut stuck to the buttocks of a cop, or that of Mother Theresa foundengraved on a Canadian goose carcass off of I-76. And who could forget thatinfamous ass imprint on the window of the DKE house that clearly resembledAlan Thicke?All these strange occurrences and more have been catalogued below toshow exactly how useless the media really is:by Felix YelinCuriously, the only other entitysmiling is Donald Trump1. Twenty-five party-going students reported seeing the mysteriousapparition of an African-American student in a Spruce Street fraternityhouse. The students are certain the image they witnessed was a supernaturalmanifestation, as the notion of a black student actually appearing in a fraternityis unfathomable.Don’t even ask where John Fry is...2. Brother Stephen’s face was seen on the tip of a twelve-inch, cylindricalobject located in a soroity house. Quickly realizing that he was among“sinners,” Bro’ Steve yelped that they “were all entering hell by Tuesday.”However, his voice transmitted only double A battery-produced rhythms,attracting the attention of one of the 300-pound “sisters.” Brother Stephencould only embrace his Bible as the obese, gonorrhea-stricken chick pickedup the 12-inch tool and wiggled him into her cavernous, hellish abyss—sending the preacher-man vibrating to his doom.3. The Jewish Students Association at Penn have seen the image of Penn's founder, Benjamin Franklin, on asmall, green slip of paper. In fact, the members claim to have hundreds of thousands of pieces of evidence to attestthis but are unwilling to show it or give any of it away.4. President Rodin was seen in a dimple on Provost Robert Barchi’s ass.5. The visages of several Mexican aliens have been spotted on many of Penn’s grounds-keeping crew members,as they scoot around on their taco-powered golf carts.Other less notable appearances and images include former President Bill Clinton smiling behind a private boothwindow at “Scores,” Chandra Levy’s mangled corpse in a chunk of Gary Condit’s stool, a Hanes model passed hisprime wearing a Wizzards uniform and the unmistakable face of God on the dancing sun over Fatima, last weekend.
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Fall 2001 - The Pennsylvania Punch Bowl

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