Fall 2001 - The Pennsylvania Punch Bowl

Turning Japanese is not just a hit songfrom the 80’s by The Vapors; it is also a veryreal, startling, and sometimes frightening phenomenonthat affects thousands of individualseach year. If you really think you’re turningJapanese, fear not. This guide to the changesyou’ll experience will help make your transitionsmooth, relaxing, and super good onehundred percent.So You’re Turning JapaneseReally Think So? A Five Step Guide for Dealing with Change3. Remorse: Ah so!by Jesse Friedman4. Sahobi-Mikado: This is a unique Japaneseemotion not in the Western repertoire, but it’svaguely comparable to a combination of loss,optimism, and the sensation of biting into anespecially honorable yellow pepper. This experiencesignals that you’re nearly ready for thefinal psychological stage, acceptance.1. Denial: As you slowly begin to develop epicanthalfolds, a tendency to bow, and a predilection for photographingminor landmarks, you pretend like everything’snormal. You’re not having any sort of abnormal problem,you tell yourself, although you are a bit disconcerted tohear it come out as, "I’m not having any sort of ab-ahnormarprob-ah-rem."2. Anger: You’re enraged to discover an exponentialincrease in your mathematical ability. You’re so furiousyou almost commit hara-kiri on impulse, but restrainyourself, for it would bring dishonor to your ancestors.5. Acceptance (AKA Really Thinking So): By thispoint, you’re a full-fledged Japanese person, and youcouldn’t be prouder.You scoff at those whoneed sensible utensilslike forks and knives toeat food, and youheartily enjoy tentaclerapecartoon shows.Pleased, you think toyourself, “!!!”I.S.R.B.