Fall 2001 - The Pennsylvania Punch Bowl

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Hork Dissolves UA, Declares Self “Supreme Commander Hork”In a move not recognized by otherstudent assemblies, UndergraduateAssembly Chair Dana Hork last night issuedan order dissolving the UA, and declaredthat from now on she would take over allUA responsibilities. Hork announced that,“In these trying times, I am declaring martiallaw, and hereby dissolve the UA. Fromnow on, I, Supreme Commander Hork, willcontrol all UA decision making powers.Hork shall rule forever!”With the UA dissolved and Hork in absolute control,an air of uncertainty now clouds the Penn campus.Without the checks and balances of the other UA members,Hork and Hork alone will now be able to make allimportant U.A. decisions on a whim, including choiceslike what flavor cupcake to serve at the UA Spring Flingbooth, how much to charge for nachos at the annualThe nefarious HORKIn a satellite broadcast this morning,the Evil One, that is, Osama “The Bin” Laden,announced that despite advances by the U.S.and Northern Alliance forces, The Bin’s alQaeda organization still possesses more thanenough leverage to win the war.This news shocked many fighting onthe Afghanistan front. The leader of theNorthern Alliance, Guy Gadbois, was heard toremark, “How could they have this leverage?This leverage, which was once ours, is now theirs! Theleverage, that is.”Independent sources confirm that al Qaeda,through a complicated strategy known as OperationPsychlo, has indeed been stockpiling massive amounts ofleverage in the caves of Afghanistan. Experts speculatethat the bulk of the leverage was acquired during the revolutionwhen the Taliban took over bases occupied bythe Soviet Union, which once had the leverage, but nowdoes not have it. (“It” being the leverage.)Russian officials admit that Cold-War politics hadconvinced the KGB to concentrate more leverage inAfghanistan at the time, in order to destabilize any leveragethe United States had over the region. After viewingBattlefield AfghanistanOsama joins the trendPUNCH BOWLby Jonathan RosenSpring Fling concert, and the color of RickBeeman’s bowtie. In addition, Hork now commandsthe sizable $150 UA war chest, withwhich she may have the power to launch a prolongedbattle to overthrow other student groupson campus.“Pithy fools, thinking they could keep Hork frompower. I showed those insolent UA members,”Hork announced to no one in particular, donninga form-fitting red rubber suit, sinister cape, andmetallic eye patch. “But no longer. Soon this entire institutionwill be the undisputed dominion of Hork!”“At a press conference later in the day toannounce the opening of a new Chemistry building,Penn President Judith Rodin was asked about the coupwhich led to Hork’s takeover. “UA...Hork...uh, that kindof rings a bell,” was Rodin’ s only reply.by Mike Tsengtoday’s announcement, President VladimirPutin said, “What have we done? To put somuch leverage into the hands of scoundrels!O, folly, verily a leveraged temptress!”Meanwhile, today’s broadcast wasreceived with skepticism by U.S. officials.Although President Bush refused to answercalls, presumably in an attempt to gain leverageover the media, White House PressLackey Ari Fleischer released the followingstatement: “The Taliban having leverage over the UnitedStates? Preposterous! Ha ha ha—ah! Ha ha!”A stooge from the Department of Defense thenattempted to cheer the public by taunting, “They wantleverage? We’ll give them leverage all right, if you knowwhat I mean!” as he thrusted his pelvis rhythmically.The Bin’s video message ended with a threat touse his leverage against the world, if the West continuesto pose a threat to Scientology. After a long pause, TheBin melodramatically noted, “Infidels are an endangeredspecies.” He then lifted his arms in the air and deliverdan affected laugh as the scene faded out with a center-toedgesswipe and television sets around the worldreturned to their regularly scheduled programming.
WORLD NEWSPenn Students Pitch Tents, End Afghanistan ConflictAfter camping out for more than 24 hours onCollege Green at the University of Pennsylvania’s campus,a student group called Penn for Peace (PP) achievedits goal of ending the war in Afghanistan. As soon asPresident Bush became aware that approximately 30American students were willing to brave temperatureshovering barely above 40 degrees, he saw the error in hisaggressive ways and called off the advance. Similarly,when Northern Alliance leader and ousted presidentBurhanuddin Rabbani found out that students at a U.S.university were sleeping in tents, he realized that warwas not the answer, and he and his troops agreed to beoppressed once again.The short camping trip by Penn for Peace, whichhas previously called itself Penn Students AgainstSweatshops, was initially conceived with the idea ofstopping the killing of innocent Afghan civilians duringthe Allied campaign. “By volunteering to live in conditionssimilar to those suffering in Afghanistan, webelieve we are making a powerful statement,” PP memberMortimer “Cloud” Oglethorpe III said from his new25-foot Eddie Bauer dome tent, in which some of hiscomrades were eating Dominos pizza.However, in Afghanistan, angry Kandahar residentsdisagreed with PP’s motives. "I liked governmentunder the Taliban. Sure, they wouldn’t allow me tosmile, shave, sing, or do anything else against the religion.By using all their opium money to fund terrorismwhile we starved, the Taliban surely did what was bestfor the country. Also, my wife loves being beaten forwanting to read or think." Around him, other Kandaharresidents, obviously unhappy at the Northern Alliancefor liberating them from Taliban rule, angrily shavedtheir beards off, sang songs, and tore off their burqas.Perhaps the inhabitants of Afghanistan will behappier when they get their packages from Penn forPeace. The group is collecting blankets for Afghan citizens,which they plan to send overseas in the comingwinter months, at a mere cost of five dollars each. AsThe Dirty Guy Who Ate Pizza In Judy Rodin’s OfficeAnd Who We All Thought Graduated said, "We realizethat traditionally, Afghans cannot make any [blanketsknitted or crocheted in strips or squares; sometimes usedas shawls] or acquire them from any points closer thanPennsylvania, so it makes sense to have them donatedby Christopher Burtonhere, and then ship them to an area that has such a greatpostal system. This is a better idea than donating themoney that it would cost to pack and ship them to anorganization like the UN that can buy blankets in bulkand can actually get into the country.”It is widely believed that as a result of Penn forPeace’s ending of Western aggression, the Al Qaedamovement will no longer attempt to attack American andworldly interests. It was reported in Kandahar that whentold of the latest news, Osama bin Laden cried tears ofjoy and broke into big grin. He then immediately assuredthe rest of the world that he would not attempt to rebuildhis network and terrorist training camps over the next 3years while simultaneously looking for nuclear weaponsto make his campaign more effective.A member of the student group Penn for War wasquestioned regarding his opinions. “Kabul go kaboom!”the student declared, a big, clueless grin on his face.Local Youth Manhandled, TossedAsunder, and Mercilessly Twirled inPlayground ScuffleA West Philadelphia pick-up game of basketballerupted into violence yesterday, when a young African-American male was accosted by a couple of guys whowere up to no good and attempting to initiate trouble inthe neighborhood. The suspects in the attack are beingheld on charges of assault, disorderly conduct, and spinninga guy around on their shoulders. The victim’smother, apparently traumatized by the incident,demanded that he relocate to the home of her wealthysister and rotund brother-in-law’s family in Bel-Air,California—a move certain to flip-turn the young man'slife upside-down. For reasons entirely unknown, theyouth intends to ride the entire 3000-mile trip in theback of a foul-smelling taxi cab. Once done using hisurban charm to bring delightful chaos to the stuffy L.A.County residence, he is expected to star in a series ofhyper-budgeted, inane blockbuster films. He alsointends to sell millions of records by taking the work ofothers and dubbing his voice over it.—J.F.
Page 2 and 3: We’re sorry.It’s almost finals
Page 4 and 5: y Tim PirolliWe have revised our ap
Page 6 and 7: Nostradamalert!by Jonathan RosenTak
Page 8 and 9: Tour of Huntsman Hallby Tim Pirolli
Page 10 and 11: Street Staff SuperlativesBoliver En
Page 12 and 13: Make Your Own Pop SongDirections: S
Page 16: “Ask yourself where to go for an

Fall 2001 - The Pennsylvania Punch Bowl

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