Fall 2001 - The Pennsylvania Punch Bowl

Street Staff SuperlativesBoliver EnnMost likely to jackCD reviews straightfrom rollingstone.comKaura LatzWinner of the 34th Streetbeauty contest, six yearsstraightNote: Punch Bowl has only the deepest respect for our peer publications on campus. We kid because we love. And because they suck.by Rebecca BerkowitzRumors of Penn’s Supposedly Smaller Endowment Proven FalseDon’t let those articles about Princeton’s endowmentfool you.An investigation led by Penn researchers revealsthat rumor, deception, and jealousy have prevented thehonest reporting of endowment size among Ivy Leagueschools. In a startling revelation, Penn’s endowment wasfound to be far larger than Princeton’s— in fact, itsendowment is the largest of any Ivy League school.“Our investigation has allowed us to decisivelyconclude that Penn has the largest endowment of all theIvies,” said Richard Schlongen, an employee of theUniversity Treasury, who collaborated with Dr. JohnThomas, a urology researcher at Leidy Labs.Penn’s endowment, as calculated by Schlongenand Thomas, comes out to an “exhilarating size” - fargreater than the original estimate that placed Penn in thelower-middle range of the Ivy League. “We knew it’d besomething big, but this is more than we ever could havehoped for,” a sweaty Thomas said. “There’s no doubtabout it: Penn comes on top.”“Princeton’s endowment barely measures average,”Thomas added. “It makes it really hard to believethat Princeton is actually attracting more minorities.”“Rumors that we’ve exaggerated the size of ourendowment are entirely false,” responded the presidentof Princeton University, just before getting into his brandnew Porsche to go to the shooting range.But the present investigation indicates otherwise.Indeed, Schlongen and Thomas found that almostevery school made attempts to enhance the appearanceof their true endowments. An abashed Yale was found tohave lied outright, and Dartmouth’s endowment wasKarrod JoenigEven with infinite time at atypewriter his “Scubbin’”column’s still gonna suckLustin JacasseBest spoonerized nameWHO’S YA DADDY, PRINCETON?Bruce Villanch—J.F.revealed to be only a cucumber wrapped in tin foil.So how does this explain Penn’s inability toadmit those who can’t already pay full tuition? “Thisissue will require more research,” Thomas explained,“but I think we’ll find some explanations within the fieldof psychology. For example, some people find largeendowments intimidating or frightening. But we’d likefor the public to be aware that when used properly, alarge endowment can ensure an extremely pleasurable,long-lasting, and sometimes even profitable experience.”“Other Ivies may try to soften the impact of thisannouncement,”Schlongenconcluded,“so we’regoing tohave to reallyram itdown theirthroats.They won’tbe able toignore thehard factsabout ourthrobbingendowment,our pulsatingmass ofalumni generosity.”