4 Columns<strong>VIRGINIA</strong> <strong>LAW</strong> <strong>WEEKLY</strong>Friday, 06 February 2009Big Girls Don’t Cry. Unfortunately, I’m Quite Small.I used to be an emotionalrobot. For years, I laughed atpeople that got “super-upset”Allison Muth ’09Columnistabout anything,especially whenit ended in tears.I had emotionprecisely once a year. I likedto call it my “lovably nervousbreakdown.” Cute affectionatename! For the worst day in mylife. It always occurred duringcross country practice, alwaysbegan during the team meetingleading up to a tempo run, and italways REALLY hit the fan abouta mile in. Apparently, I HATErunning. Once a year.Anyways, so this “emotionalwithdrawal” continued untilI got to college. I have a hypothesisfor this. Just a guess, Iwould say “emotions are highlycorrelated to the amount of irresponsibledrinking being done.”The beer wants to escape! Out ofyour eyes! So, in honor of February,and the odds that at least afew of you will have a touch toomuch to drink at some point, I’dlike to explain a few commontypes of tears.Happy Tears. If we pretendfor a moment that this is not amyth, this is what happens whensome guy proposes to some girlthat he loves. Usually, she startstearing up. That’s assuming itwould be happy tears, not hercrying desperately as she thinks“oh s*** s*** s***, I KNEW notdumping him would f*** me atsome point, but now I’ll NEVERget away from this jacka**.” So .. . woo . . . happy tears.Tears from Movie Trailers.Once I became “in touch” withmy emotions, I couldn’t shakethem! I feel like Britney Spearsand her loyal paparazzi. Nomatter how many times I run,the emotions still find out I’mgoing commando! (Somethinglike that?) Anyways, now, sometimesI cry during movie trailers.I’m not sad, I just feel verystrongly about meaningful movies.There’s Miracle or that oneabout the Irish kid whose momtells him his dad is a sailor on aspecific ship (lie!) but eventuallythe ship will dock at Galway(where they live), and he’ll getto see his dad! (but his dad isn’ton it), so his mom hires someonea little sketchy but ultimately ridiculouslyattractive to be hisdad (and the mom and “dad” fallin love . . . obvi), BUT then someother kids yell down to him forlornlystanding on the wharves,“You don’t even have a real dad.”Heartbreaking. If you don’t tearup a little during that thirtysecond spot, you hate children.Which is blatantly against culturalnorms, so you might wantto work on it.Buddhist Tears. This is prettyself-explanatory. “Any and alltears that happen in Buddhist.”Got it? The story-line for Buddhisttears usually goes somethinglike this: Leave apartment.Get to Buddhist. Three Sols.Happy! Three more Sols. Sad .OMG, there’s that guy you onceliked, with some girl that yousort of know but don’t really,and they look like they’re talking. . . which means they’re inLOVE. Tears! After that, it’s sortof “Choose Your Own Adventure.”Path One: go home, wakeup in the morning with the realizationthat you don’t actuallyeven remember his last name.So, boy, that was silly. Path Two:confront them dramatically. I’llleave it to your imagination/skipto page 147/next trip to Buddhistto see how that one ends.Sick Tears. Nothing is quiteas debilitating as unrelenting illness.With no end in sight, andreally nothing else to do, cryingstarts to seem like a viablealternative. Thought process:“Could I really look worse at thispoint?” Probably, but not THATmuch worse.Depression Tears. Depressionisn’t funny. Um, depressionmakes you cry because you viewimage courtesy of hubpages.comThere’s no crying in baseball. Unfortunately (again), Allison doesn’t playbaseball.the world in an overly pessimisticway? Yup, that sounds familiar.Completely InexplicableTears. Okay, probably my favorites.Sometimes your eyes juststart leaking. As you reach up totouch your face, you realize thatthose are not indoor raindrops,but actually water coming outof your eyes. Magic! There’s noreal explanation, but you stilldon’t have any control to stopthem. I find that laughing showspeople that you are not cryingseriously. But it also makes youlook a little bit crazy. So, one ofthose trade-offs again.Tears For Which You Deserveto Get Smacked. I wouldtell a story about myself cryingat some point where it was completelyirrational and unnecessary,but (1) I’m pretty sure I’vealready done that, and (2) whynot tell this one? During highschool beach week (if you didnot have this at your high school,it’s a week . . . at the beach), Istayed at my boyfriend’s housefor a night. Due to the financialstraits of the participants, therewere four people, plus me, in thepocket-sized room. During thenight, my boyfriend started tosnore. Loudly. In a mature way,his best friend starts punchinghim in a devoted effort tomake him stop. Instead of stopping,“Brian” mutters a littleand swings his arm a bit. “John”continues hitting, so “Brian”reaches back and (still sleeping)punches. Me. In the stomach.In a mild rage, I take all ofthe blankets and go to sleep onthe floor. Fast-forward to morning,at which time I refuse to getback in bed and cuddle (whilehe refuses to believe my “talltale” of what happened duringthe night). At this point, “Brian”starts to cry, and tells me thathe misses his ex-girlfriend. Seriously?Fights with the Parents Tears.Are you still fifteen-years-old?No? Good. See above category.Sympathetic Tears. Tears canbe like disease, and SPREAD.“My best friend is crying abouthow her relationship is fallingapart! Oh GOD, my life suckstoo! ” Alright, that mightnot actually show sympathy orempathy or whatever, but realizingyour life sucks too is upsetting.I’m pretty sure zero male readersmade it this far.Email: aam7x@virginia.eduAnd Who’s To Say That Reptilian Alien Lizaroids Aren’t Ruling the World?Matt Farmer ’10ColumnistAfter days of intensive investigatoryresearch, this columnisthas uncovered a series of seeminglycoincidentalfacts and occurrences.But makeno mistake: thereis nothing coincidental aboutthem. Like the hidden messagesMicrosoft embeds in its Wingdingsfont, this is very real. The administrationmay have you believethat chance is the only thing behindwhat you are about to read,but I’d suggest that you not be sonaive. Just like when you realizedthat NASA faked the moon landings,the following informationmay shock you.On January 29, PresidentObama named UVA Law ProfessorDavid Martin Principal DeputyGeneral Counsel of the Departmentof Homeland Security.David Martin just happens tobe an expert in immigration andrefugee law.David Martin’s new boss is newSecretary of Homeland SecurityJanet Napolitano. Janet Napolitanowent to a little school—youmight have heard of it—calledUVA Law.David Martin and Janet Napolitanoare longtime friends. Wellisn’t that convenient. Maybe alittle too convenient?On January 31, Justice SamuelAlito spoke at UVA Law on theimportance of public service.Where was David Martin for thistalk? In the front row.This was the same Justice Alitowho, not a week before, hired26-year-old Winn Allen to be hisclerk. And where did Winn Allengraduate from law school? Yep:UVA.David Martin andJanet Napolitano arelongtime friends. Wellisn’t that convenient.Maybe a little tooconvenient?On top of this, staff writersfrom the Law Weekly werecaught last weekend breakinginto Student Record’s transcriptsarchives, but not before they discovereda valuable piece of information:Winn Allen was a studentof David Martin’s in 2007. Honorcode violation? Most definitely.Coincidence? Oh, no, no.While all of this was going on,other students at UVA Law weregearing up for the start of FebClub, a collection of 29 consecutivethemed parties.That same weekend, formerDean John Jeffries was spottedwalking around the law school inplain clothes. But where wasn’tDean Jeffries spotted in plainclothes? I’ll tell you: at any ofthe first week Feb Club parties.Because he wasn’t there? Or becausehe was in costume?February 1 was the first day ofFebruary. This actually seems tocheck out.The first day of February, however,was not the first day of FebClub. That day happened to fallin January—the same month inwhich Barack Obama becameAmerica’s president. And what isthe theme of one of the Feb Clubparties? You guessed it: America.At the first Feb Club party,there was someone who wasdressed as George W. Bush. PresidentGeorge W. Bush. But there’sonly one catch: he’s no longer thePresident.Oh, by the way, the followingnight—February 1—was SuperBowl XLVIII. Guess what was noticeablymissing on that night? AFeb Club party.And just where was Dean Jeffriesthen? We. Don’t. Know.One of the teams playing inthe Super Bowl was the Cardinals.The Arizona Cardinals. Atthis point, you might be wonderingwho used to be Governor ofArizona. Well I’ll tell you: it wasJanet Napolitano.And the score of the SuperBowl? 27-23. The year Janet Napolitanograduated from UVALaw? 1983. No problems there?Well, get this: 1 + 9 + 8 + 3 =21. Also a common football score,as it turns out.And maybe you were wonderingwhat Janet Napolitano’s favoritecolor is. Well, brace yourself:it’s Red. The same color asthe Cardinal’s uniforms, and thesame color as the walls of WinnAllen’s bedroom when he was astudent at UVA Law.I’ll tell you what else is red:the ink all over my Federal IncomeTax final. How do I knowthis? Well, I don’t—it’s been twomonths and I still don’t have mygrades. Call me paranoid, but Ijust have a feeling it’s not goingto be pretty.Strangely enough, both WinnAllen and Barack Obama tookFederal Income Tax, and bothhappened to get A’s. But do youknow who failed the very samecourse? That’s right: Tom Daschle.Now, if you take those two A’sand add a third, that gives youAAA. What does that stand for?Oh, I think you know: Trip Aces.Precisely the hand that recentlylost me $400 in Professor Martin’sweekly poker game.But there’s more. The winninghand—a club flush—was held bynone other than 1L Sam Poole.Which seems innocent enoughuntil you realize that Sam Poolevoted for Barack Obama.And ‘round and ‘round wego. Honestly, I wouldn’t havethought much about all of thisif it weren’t for a conversationI overheard between Dean Jeffries,Professor Martin, and WinnAllen in Slaughter Hall the otherday. They were laughing, talkingabout how law professors don’tactually read exams but insteadassign grades randomly. That’swhen it dawned on me: thesethree had no business being atthe law school on a Saturday!That’s when I began to get suspicious. . .Email: farmer@virginia.eduExperience the Difference at Jefferson Ridge- Our ConvenientLocation has easy access to I-64, is just 7 minutes from the LawSchool, and is just 7 minutes from downtown
Friday, 06 February 2009<strong>VIRGINIA</strong> <strong>LAW</strong> <strong>WEEKLY</strong> Reviews & Columns 5Kara Peeks at Slumdog Millionaire Through Her ScarfKara Allen ’10ReviewerCall me selfish, but after seeingBen Stiller eating guts and watchingsome adult fare with Radke, Ithought I deserved to watch somethingthat didn’t make me cringein disgust. I figured Golden Globewinner and Oscar nominee giantSlumdog Millionaire wouldn’t disappoint.I was wrong.Well, not entirely. It was a greatmovie, but it seems even qualitycinema cannot avoid the grossout,cringe trend started by There’sSomething About Mary. That moment,however, was worked intothe drama, twists, humor, and bittersweetmoments of Slumdog Millionaireas seamlessly as the restof the amazing coincidences thatexplain how an assistant phoneoperator could know the answersto so many trivia questions createdby tireless corporate televisiondrones.You probably know the plot already—eighteenyear old orphanJamel Malik (played by newcomerDev Patel, who shows great promisebased on dance moves alone)grew up on the streets, and makesa remarkable appearance on theshow Who Wants to be a Millionaire.The movie flashes backwardin time to various turning points ofhis life, which was slightly difficultto follow at first.That isn’t a criticism of this movieso much as of film today. Thetrouble is that we as an audienceare used to having plots explainedto us the way Barney might explainarithmetic to Stephen Wendell afterhis team just lost the springsoftball championship game toHarvard. This movie simply dropsus in the middle of the story, andhas enough confidence in us to believewe will catch up. Sort of likethat swim coach who threw youinto the deep end of the pool whenyou were five during your thirdswim lesson.The story is riveting and excitingenough that we want to catch up,much the way our will to live motivatesus to keep flutter kickingwhile shrieking at our coach. Theopening jump starts your adrenaline,and from there the dramaticscenes are spaced just far enoughapart to keep you engaged. Evenat a moment when I knew ‘nothingbad’ was going to happen, I waspeeking through my scarf becauseI was afraid to watch. (Being unableto watch climactic momentsprobably makes me unqualified toreview movies, but luckily Ryan D.can no longer do anything aboutit.)The movie is intense, but nevertakes it too far. You are left withthe impression that you are simplywatching Jamel’s life as it happened,rather than a movie tryingto shock and horrify you (which,in fact, it is). You trust this movie.Even though you know it is art thatis trying to send a message and influenceyour emotions, you buy it.Part of this trust comes from thecharacters of the movie. Jamel, onthe one hand, is a character thatone cannot help but trust. Despitean extremely difficult life, he actsas if deceit is something that simplydoes not occur to him. At onepoint he is asked, “Why did you saythat when you knew it would provokehim?” Jamel looks confused,and replies, “When someone asksme a question, I answer.”The movie does not expect us,however, to believe that all peoplework this way—Jamel is theonly idealist. Jamel’s brother Salim,in particular, is a compellingcharacter you alternate betweenadmiring and despising. Othercharacters are outright loathsome,yet when they come to a bad endwe share Jamal’s horror, not hisbrother’s righteous anger. We trustJamel to have the correct perspective,or perhaps we want to sharehis innocence.Despite the realism of the settingand the supporting characters,the movie hefts some veryidealistic messages on us. Onemain theme is Jamel’s love forLatika, an orphan girl he meetsas a child. His notions about her,and love generally, are downrightnaïve in their innocence, the sortof ideas you would expect of kidsin Mary Poppins, not kids runningfor their lives from Indian religiousmilitants. The second majortheme involves fate—in a worldfilled with unpredictable violenceand atrocities that even childrencannot escape, greater forces arestill guiding the hand of destiny.Overall, both themes are difficultto swallow in a non-Mary Poppinsbackdrop, but perhaps that iswhat makes them compelling. Ina bad recession, that is probablyabout to get worse, we want tobelieve in love and fate, unrealisticthough it may be. We wantthose things to be possible still (althoughI am not trying to comparepaying $3 per gallon of gas withliving in the slums of India).As if that weren’t enough, themovie is also great from an artisticperspective. The unique framingcreated memorable shots,and even the credits were, to usea technical graphic design term,‘cool.’ Someone put a great dealof time and care into every aspectof this film, and while it probablyruined their marriage/internetromances and drove them crazylike the guy who wrote the Tetristheme song, they gave us a goodreason to drop $10 at the movietheater.A New Face for a Different VisionKurt Davis ’09ColumnistIn electing Michael Steele as thenew Chairman of the Republican NationalCommittee, the Grand Old Partysupposedly illustratedits naturalability for grabbingthe spotlight andreforming its identity. After this momentousselection, Republicans mayhave confronted the stereotype of theRepublicans as the party of old whitemen. However, time will tell if theRepublicans have chosen the leaderthat can quickly adapt and transformthe party into one that is inclusive, responsiveto the masses, and politicallyprepared for the intellectual positioningthat will occur, not between whatis conservative or liberal, but ratherwhat is the right future for America.It will be that last aspiration that willtell the near future of the RepublicanParty.The former Maryland LieutenantGovernor opened eyes to the potentialchange in the makeup of the RepublicanParty with the statement:“We’re going to bring, we’re going tobring this party to every corner, everyboardroom, every neighborhood,every community, and we’re going tosay to friend and foe alike, we wantyou to be a part of us, we want youto work with us, and for those of youwho wish to obstruct, get ready to getknocked over.”That opening of doors may takesome time. Steele won 91 votes outof the possible 168 after six rounds.It is unclear as to whether the sixrounds needed to win the position forsomeone most viewed as a promisingoutsider will be foretelling of theamount of time and/or elections thatmay be needed for the Republicans toreplace some of the Old Guard withnew leadership and new ideas. TheRepublican Party leadership shouldtake notice that it took several electionsfor the Democrats to remaketheir party and remove some archaicideas and thoughts from the top of itsleadership.Whether or not Steele is the solutionto a stalled and stagnant party, hebrings energy and the most moderateidealism available in the field of candidates.His past association with a centristgroup connected to former NewJersey Governor Christine Todd Whitman(R) bothered some social conservatives.While his family values maybe questioned, Steele is not exactly amoderate of any sense in the overallpolitical spectrum. After watching thespectacle that became his selection,the pro-life, pro-gun, free-market-lovingSteele’s best display of change forthe party may be his growing list ofFacebook and Twitter friends.The color of Steele’s skin shouldnot be the focus in the aftermath ofthe election. The Republican Partyhas been amazing with incorporatingminorities into leadership levels.Minorities—specifically African-Americans, Hispanics, and women—arevisible at all levels withinthe party. While there will be muchcriticism tossed at individuals suchas Sarah Palin, Condoleezza Rice,and Alberto Gonzalez, advancementhas been made in opening doors andopportunities to groups previouslyabsent at all levels of government.However, it is easy to understand thenew urgency within the RepublicanParty . . . they don’t have the firstblack president.While incorporation of minoritieswill be a big factor in determiningthe future for the Republican Party, amore salient concern may be the lossof independents and liberal-to-moderateRepublicans to the Democraticvoting bloc. The failure of the RepublicanParty to realize that cateringsolely to social conservatives hurtstheir potential for bringing in new votersover time.Speaking primarily about familyvalues—abortion and gay marriagein particular—and pandering to therest of voters with lower taxes andunfocused national security does littlewhen it is not followed by substance.The relief of the gas tax for a week orso was just that type of pandering.Independents and liberal Republicansare waiting for the focus to shiftback to helping middle class families,strengthening education in America,making sensible immigration laws,and implementing sound foreignpolicy.Will Steele answer the call? He hasbeen labeled as either a very experiencedand savvy media player or asa manipulator. Yet, that does not answerthe question of whether he canfill the void of leadership in a partystill searching for another iconic (orat least visionary) mind to replaceformer President Ronald Reagan,and forge the party in a new directiondespite the resistance of many members.Driving ideas further to the deepend of conservatism will fail just asdriving ideas to the deep end of liberalismwill fail. Ideology will haveto succumb to intellectual investigationand navigation and the jargon ofdisconnected showmen will have tosuccumb to a vision that can be translatedto all corners of America andthe world. Until then, independentsand liberal-to-moderate Republicansmight just see more of the Americandream in the Democratic Party (orless of it in the Republican Party).Email: kdavis@virginia.eduTitle SummaryProCon GradeBlogAvec Eric, CookingBlog, www.aveceric.comFor all of you Top Chef fans and foodiesout there, the name Eric Ripertshould be familiar to you. A frequentguest-judge on Top Chef, Ripert is thechef/part-owner of Le Bernardin inNew York City, one of only a handful ofMichelin Guide three-star restaurantsin the United States. He also recentlyopened the West End Bistro in D.C. DespiteLe Bernardin’s focus on seafood,this website includes a range of recipes.Tired of faux-chefs like RachaelRay and Sandra Lee?Eric Ripert’s blog provides anumber of good, easy-to-makerecipes for the home cook. Italso includes a video series ofRipert making a number ofquick recipes using nothingbut a toaster oven. These aremade even more enjoyablewith Ripert’s easygoing styleand thick French accent.The biggest problems withthe site are the heavy-handedand omnipresent advertisements.For example, the seriesof videos on recipes fora toaster oven are a not-sosubtlesales pitch for a $250Cuisinart toaster oven. Also,if you’re looking for some ofRipert’s more sophisticatedrecipes, better to check out hiscookbooks.ADVDNick and Nora’s InfinitePlaylist, DVD andBlu-Ray, Released Feb.3Nick and Nora are Michael Cera (Superbad;Juno) and Kat Dennings (40Year Old Virgin). The film traces howthe two come to find each other on anight full of surprises in New York City.While playing a gig with his high schoolband, Nick, who is trying to get over beingdumped, meets Norah at the clubwhere he’s playing. The film is based onthe novel by Rachel Cohn.Add equal parts New York City,good and young actors, a wittyscript, and a good soundtrack,and you’re bound to have atleast a somewhat enjoyablemovie. That said, don’t expect itto be this year’s version of Juno.However, if you long for dayswhen mix tapes were signs ofaffection, rather than Facebookpokes, you’ll probably be happywith this on your Netflix queue.The basic plotline seems alittle worn: teenagers out on anight of adventure learn moreabout themselves and fall in lovealong the way. It sounds a littlelike a modern, urban Dazed andConfused, but with alternativemusic and less marijuana. We’realso wondering how long Ceracan play a young, nerdy love interest.He’s got to start growingfacial hair at some point.B+