Sharp Edge Sewickley Bistro Empire Palace - North Hills - Nightwire ...

2. Any bulk cleaning supplies, “honey, I got you that largebox of Tide you have been wanting.” “This Windexshould last you a while.” “I got a good deal on theindustrial strength toilet bowl cleaner.” All I can say is,be prepared to run. I have faith that if you would have atleast stopped and thought about what would be a muchmore intimate gift, you would have had the sense tospring for the $5 Chia Pet you were eyeing in Kmart.3. Any sharp objects made by Ronco which slices ordices, or a set of ginsu knives. These may one day beused as a weapon against you when you come homewith lipstick on your collar after a “night out with theboys.”4. Do not buy gifts for yourself and pretend they are forher. “Honey, I’m sure you’ll get a lot of use out of thenew drill I bought you.” By then she will have put it togood use by drilling a quarter inch hole into the sideof your skull for even thinking she would accept sucha lame gift. After a gift like this, you probably won’t bearound for NEXT Christmas.5. Any lingerie made of flannel, such as a pair of feetpajamas with a trap door in back. A Little Mermaid orBarney cartoon character nightgown. It gives her theidea that you do not consider her the beautiful womanthat she is. Take out that wallet and buy her somethingsexy from Victoria Secret (just like you did for yourmistress or other girlfriend).6. No name perfume which costs you $1.99, such as Eu deToilet, which actually smells like the bathroom, moldyfruit, or your dirty socks. If you are going to buy herperfume, spring for the brand names.7. Any type of cubic zirconium jewelry you see on theHome Shopping Network. It will be quite embarrassingwhen she is showing off that fabulous diamond to herfriends and tries to cut glass with it. (We actually testthem you know.) Also, now would not be a good time tobuy her that set of diamond nipple clamps you alwayswanted to, you know how we like to show off our jewelryand it could get embarrassing at the New Year’s partywhen she decides to show them off to your buddies.8. Please do not buy her clothes because you think forone minute you have good taste in woman’s clothing.Well, perhaps you might if you are a transvestite, but allin all, believe me, she’ll smile and say its beautiful whilechoking back tears and mumbling under her breath,“were the hell would I ever wear this outfit without beingarrested for bad taste?” An additional hint, plaids do notgo with stripes (even though you think your golfing outfitlooks just fine). Its a known fact to the rest of the worldthat that is a taboo. In the Northeast, that’s like wearingwhite after Labor Day.December 2012 •31