Sharp Edge Sewickley Bistro Empire Palace - North Hills - Nightwire ...

Humor by NightwireChristmas Eve Shopping:A couple was Christmas shopping at the mall on ChristmasEve and the mall was packed. As the wife walked throughthe mall she was surprised to look up and see her husbandnowhere to be found. She was quite upset because they hada lot to do. Because she was so worried, she called him onher mobile phone to ask him where he was. In a calm voice,the husband said, “Honey, you remember the jewelry storewe went into about 5 years ago where you fell in love withthat diamond necklace that we could not afford and I told youthat I would get if for you one day?” The wife choked up andstarted to cry and said, “Yes, I remember that jewelry store.”He said, “Well, I’m in the bar right next to it.”Three Blondes and The Texas HighwayPatrol:Three blondes were all applying for the last available positionon the Texas Highway Patrol. The detective conducting theinterview looked at the three of them and said, “So y’all wantto be cops, huh?” The blondes all nodded. The detective gotup, opened a file drawer, and pulled out a folder. Sitting backdown, he opened it, pulled out a picture, and said, “To be adetective, you have to be able to detect. You must be able tonotice things such as distinguishing features and oddities likescars and so forth.” So saying, he stuck the photo in the faceof the first blonde and withdrew it after about two seconds.“Now,” he said, “did you notice any distinguishing featuresabout this man?” The blonde immediately said, “Yes, I did.He has only one eye!” The detective shook his head and said,“Of course he has only one eye in this picture! It’s a profile ofhis face! You’re dismissed!” The first blonde hung her headand walked out of the office. The detective then turned to thesecond blonde, stuck the photo in her face for two seconds,pulled it back, and said, “What about you? Notice anythingunusual or outstanding about this man?” “Yes! He onlyhas one ear!” The detective put his head in his hands andexclaimed, “Didn’t you hear what I just told the other lady?This is a profile of the man’s face! Of course you can only seeone ear! You’re excused too!” The second blonde sheepishlywalked out of the office. The detective turned his attention tothe third and last blonde and said, “This is probably a wasteof time, but.....”. He flashed the photo in her face for a coupleof seconds and withdrew it, saying, “All right, did you noticeanything distinguishing or unusual about this man?” Theblonde said, “I sure did. This man wears contact lenses. “The detective frowned, took another look at the picture, andbegan looking at some of the papers in the folder. He lookedup at the blonde with a puzzled expression and said, “You’reabsolutely right! His bio says he wears contacts! How inthe world could you tell that by looking at his picture?” Theblonde rolled her eyes and said, “Well, Hellooooooooooooo!With only one eye and one ear, he certainly can’t wearglasses.”Politically Correct Version Of The NightBefore Christmas:Twas the night before Christmas and Santa’s a wreck...How to live in a world that’s politically correct?His workers no longer would answer to “Elves”“Vertically Challenged” they were calling themselvesAnd labor conditions at the north poleWere alleged by the union to stifle the soulFour reindeer had vanished, without much proprietyReleased to the wilds by the Humane SocietyAnd equal employment had made it quite clearThat Santa had better not use just reindeerSo Dancer and Donner, Comet and CupidWere replaced with 4 pigs, and you know that looked stupid!The runners had been removed from his sleigh;The ruts were termed dangerous by the E P AAnd people had started to call for the copsWhen they heard sled noises on their roof-topsSecond-hand smoke from his pipe had his workers quitefrightened His fur trimmed red suit was called “Unenlightened”And to show you the strangeness of life’s ebbs and flowsRudolf was suing over unauthorized use of his noseAnd had gone on Geraldo, in front of the nationDemanding millions in over-due compensationSo, half of the reindeer were gone; and his wifeWho suddenly said she’d enough of this lifeJoined a self-help group, packed, and left in a whizEmporio Tobaccofor all your smoking pleasuresPremium CigarsPipe TobaccoHooka ShishaGourmet CoffeeFree WiFi for customersSmoking LoungeBYOB for customersLotteryHours: Mon-Fri:10:30 a.m.-8 p.m.Sat: 11 a.m.-8 p.m.410 Forbes Avenue (Across from Macy’s)Pittsburgh, PA 15219 • 412.391.7700December 2012 •25