Contents

CONTENTS AND STAFFContentsPage 4 FitnessPages 6-7 Wine & BrewPages 8-9 DiningPage 10 Night TechPage 12 TheaterPage 13 RomancePage 14 MusicPage 16 Local BusinessPage 17 NightlifePage 18 TravelPages 20-21 Steeler ManiaPages 22-37 HumorPage 38 HoroscopesPage 39 ClassifiedsStaffPublisher: Joyce CampisiEditor-in-Chief: Joyce CampisiExecutive Editor: Joseph P. Campisi, IIIProduction Manager: Rob HoffmanPhotographer: Craig Heinauer,Natalie Rapp, Todd Brunozzi, Jeff SwensenGraphic Designer: Donnie GarberDennis KostleyAdministrative Assistant: Tammie MillerFeature Writers: Suz Pisano,Trish Imbrogno, Kara Czerniak,Christopher Harper, David MayleContributing Writers: Bill MaceJean Mace, Dottie Wilhelm,Lori Hon, Boris PekolWebmaster: Benjamin AumanDistribution: Take One USANightwire622 Second AvenuePittsburgh, PA. 15219Phone: 412-755-1055 • Fax: 412-755-1056editor@nightwire.net/www.nightwire.netCopyright ®, SX publications, Nightwire. All rights reserved. SX Publications, Nightwire owns the copyrights of the photographs and contents of this publication. No part of thispublication may be reproduced, modified, retransmitted or published in any part of copyrighted material without the expressed written permission of the publisher. The articlesand editorials are meant for entertainment purposes only, and do not necessarily represent opinions of SX Publications, Nightwire, they are those of the writers and advertisersand may not necessarily represent those of SX Publications, Nightwire. SX Publications, Nightwire in no way offers any recommendations, endorsements or guarantees of anykind with regard to any service, product or person in any way for the actions ensuing from advertising. This publication contains elements adult in nature and may not be suitablefor minors. Some of the products and services available through advertisements are not for purchase by minors. SX Publications, Nightwire cannot be held responsible for photossubmitted by advertisers and photography supplied by advertisers or vendors without a release from the model(s). SX Publications, Nightwire will assume no liability for misprints,typos, ad print quality, ad placement or incorrect ad copy.2 • September 2007

September 2007 • 3

FITNESSOnward, Wayward Traveler!By Trish Imbrogno** Consult your physician before beginning any exercise program **As summer comes to an end, the travel seasondoesn’t! Whether you’re out of town for work orpleasure, finding time to squeeze in a workout can betough.Resistance bands provide a convenient traveloption to weights and pack easily into a carry-on bagor luggage. They come in various strengths, rangingfrom light to very heavy. When you purchase bands,buy a lighter resistance for shoulders and other smallermuscles to avoid an injury.The following exercises can be done alone, or for aquicker workout, you can combine some of the upperand lower body movements. Additionally, some of theupper body exercises can be done seated, if you areon a plane or unable to stand for long periods of time.Remember to stretch thoroughly and add somecardio in for a complete workout!Chest Press: Put band around back, close tounderarms and hold band behind the handles in frontof chest (arms out and out in the shape of a letter "L",parallel to the floor). Exhale press out; inhale controlthe band as you return to start.Calf Raises: roll up on balls of feet, keeping weighteven between all toes as you exhale, control as youlower heels to floor.Lat Pull: hold band overhead, the closer the hands,the harder the exercise. Open arms to the sides,pulling down in a semi-circular motion to the top ofthe chest (almost taking off your nose). Return tostart while breathing in. Keep your arms in the sameplane where you start (do not let them fall forward!).Lunges: (walking or stationary) step on leg forwardand rise up on to back toes. Stay on back toes (ballof foot) as you breath in and bend back leg (do not letfront knee extend your toes!), exhale, squeeze yourglutes and return to start.Shoulder overhead press: (one arm at a time) standon band close to handle, bring arm up to side in theshape of an "L" tricep parallel to the floor. Exhale,push up, inhale, return to start. Repeat other side.Squats: stand with feet shoulder-width apart.Keeping the weight in your heels, breath in and bendthe knees as if you were sitting back into a chair (donot let the knees come farther forward than your toes).Squeeze the glutes and exhale as you return to start.Tricep overhead extension: stand on band close tohandle. hold other handle palm up and wrap aroundbehind your head like your putting on a jacket. placeother hand inside of handle. keep elbows close tohead, exhale press up, inhale return to start. (worksboth arms at the same time)Step-touch: Stand on band, hold handles at waist.step left for 5, controlling the right foot as it touchesin, then step right for 5, controlling the left leg (innerthigh works this way!).Bicep curl: step on band (one foot or two). Holdhandles, palms up. Exhale curl up to shoulder, keepingupper arm stable. Inhale return to start (both armsat the same time).4 • September 2007

September 2007 • 5

WINE AND BREWDid You Know...White wines shouldbe served cool,but not icecold.If youlike your winecold, that’sfine, but trydrinking your favorite white wine a little less cold sometime,and you might just be surprised at the increasedflavor.White wine is great any time, which for most people means asa drink without food or with lighter foods. Whites tend to fallinto four broad categories:•Fresh, Unoaked Whites: crisp & light with nosweetness•Earthy Whites: dry, fuller-bodied; lots of earthycharacter•Aromatic Whites: intense aroma & flavor from their variousgrape variety; both off-dry and dry•Rich, Oaky Whites: mostly dry, full-bodied with lots of oakycharacterRed wine tends to be consumed as part of a meal more oftenthan as a drink on it’s own. Drinking red wine cold could be amistake…the tannins in the wine can taste very bitter. How doyou know the right temperature for reds? If the bottle feelscool to your hand, it’s just right.There are a wide range or red wines, just like whites.Here are four broad categories:•Soft, Fruity Reds: mostly light bodied with lots offruitiness and little tannin (from grape skins)•Mild Mannered Reds: medium bodied with subtleun-fruity flavors•Spicy Reds: flavorful, fruity wines with spicyaccents and some tannin•Powerful Reds: full-bodied and tannicIs it sweet or fruity? Beginning wine tastersoften confuse dry fruity wines for sweet ones.AWine is fruity when it has distinct aromasand tastes of fruit. You smell the fruitiness inyour nose, and in your mouth you“smell” it through your retro nasalpassage.Sweetness is more of a tactileimpression on your tongue. Ifyou’re not sure whether a wineis sweet or fruity, try holdingyour nose when you taste it. Ifthe wine is truly sweet, you’ll still beable to taste the sweetness in spite ofthe fact that you can’t smell the fruitiness.What is good wine? Quality wines come in all colors anddegrees of sweetness, dryness and in different flavors.Try different types of wines within your price range.When you find one you like and want to find othersimilar wines, visit the state store and look for familiesof flavors (fruity, earthy, spicy, herbal) that youenjoyed in the previous bottle and read thelabels and well as the little cards that are sometimesattached to the shelves. Check out theChairman’s Select section in the front of the statestore, they have descriptions of the wine along withrating from wine experts be sure and look for winesthat are on sale.Degrees of quality definitely exist among wines, but a wine’squality truly depends on the tastes of the person who is doingthe judging. Try a new and different variety of winetoday…you might just be surprised at what you discover.6 • September 2007

WINE AND BREW9 Common Wine Myths1. Letting a bottle of uncorked wine sit for an hour canmake the wine taste better?OK, so how does a one inch hole allow for wine to breathe? Itdoesn’t. If you want to decant wine use a decanter. You canpick one up at you local department store for most likely under$20.2. France produces the most wines?Italy produces more wine than France, and there are close toone million registered Vineyards in Italy.3. Wine tastes much better with age?Yes and no. For high end, premium wines they will improvewith age, but they need to be kept at a consistent 55 degrees.You cannot put the bottle on your kitchen counter and leave itthere for ten years. Proper storage is a must with wine.For wines that are inexpensive to mid priced can be storedproperly (again a constant 55 degrees) for 3-5 years.4.Wine and cheese, duh!Actually wine and cheese don’t go together. The thick heavytexture of cheese coats the mouth and hinder the taste budsfrom picking up on the subtleties of the wine5. Expensive wines are vintage wines.A wines vintage simply refers to the year the wine was made.Most wines have a vintage.7. Nice legs!Legs actually have more to do with the bodyof the wine then quality. Wines that havemore body tend to have legs.floating on the top of the wine) that actually givesyou the headache.9. Storing an unfinished bottle of wine in thefridge is an effective way to preserve it?Yes it is. While the fridge at 35 degrees isn’t a recommendedmethod for long term storage – it doeskeep your favorite bottle from maturing too soon andbreaking down on your kitchen counter. Just be sureto finish the bottle within three days. Once that bottleis open it is a race against oxidation.Common Wine Terms:Tannin - A compund from the skins, stems andseeds of the grape. It is felt more then tasted inwine.Legs - Wine that has climbed the inside surfaceof the glass and creeps back down. Legs havenothing to do with the quality of wine but withthe body of wine.Off Dry - Slightly sweetened wine.Table Wine - Classificaion of most wines withan alcohol strength between 9-15 percent.8. Red wine causes moreheadaches than white becauseof its higher sulfites content?Belive it or not but lunch meat hasa higher content of sulfites than redwine. Sulfites are preservatives commonlyfound in many foods we eateveryday. Cheaper wines with lessalcohol require more sulfites thanhigher-quality wines with morealcohol content.If you research headachesand wine you will find that itis the “mother” (the film thatsometimes can be seenSeptember 2007 • 7

DINING REVIEWThe LibraryBy: Suz PisanoLocated on East Carson, not too far from theCarnegie Library, is a new bar & restaurant, The Library,that hopes to fill a niche in this ever growing popularneighborhood. Owner Jeff Brungo has created anatmosphere geared towards young professionals. Heworked hard with local artists in creating the conceptyou’ll immediately embrace. The tabletops are coveredin maps, photo collages, sheet music and the like.People have definitely noticed according to Jeff, andsome request their favorite tables when coming in withfriends to dine. There’s an amazing upstairs whichopens onto a private deck- something very rare on theSouth Side. Entertainment on the deck includes bandson Thursdays & Fridays and Karaoke on Sundays.Brungo who has worked in the restaurant industry forthe past twenty-three years seems to really have itdown pat, and then there’s the food...The Nightwire crew stopped in at Happy Hourwhich runs daily with drink specials from 5 to 7 p.m.The menu is whimsical with literary names on all ofthe dishes.We had a delicious appetizer at the bar- Dark Green,Bright Red ($ 8), Seared Scallops atop Crostinis, FreshTomato Tartare, & a Green Peppercorn Pesto. The scallopswere large and sliced perfectly before being searedand complimented with the tomato and fresh pesto. Iwould definitely order this appetizer again. In order to gain thefeel of the restaurant not only the bar atmosphere (which is awonderful hammered copper), we moved over to a table tosample a couple of entrees.Chef Steve Harlow and Sous Chef Dan Gold brought us TheTyler Derden ($19) a Black & Blue Ribeye topped byGorgonzola, accompanied by Rosemary Redskin Smash. Thiswas absolutely delicious and followed up with the The UglyDuckling ($20) Crispy Duck Breast with Thai Chili Glaze & stirfry rice. I’m not sure which one we liked the best but the duckwas tender and flavorful & I though I could lick the plate that’show good the Thai Chili Glaze was! Other menu selectionsinclude: The Yellow Brick Road ($17) Mussels steamed in aSaffron Chipotle Broth, Tomato, Chorizo Sausage, & a SalmonCorn Biscuit; Rolland’s Roulade ($20) Ground Lamb rolledwith Veal, then wrapped in Peppered Bacon, PomegranatePeppercorn Sauce. I think The Library is certainly filing aniche for great interesting food, a great bar, nice atmosphereand awesome desserts. They serve small plates, a nice selectionof both salads and sandwiches. Open seven days aweek, with a great selection of menu offerings- you’ll have togive them a try.The Library has their own Pastry Chef Christen Biddinger,who makes luscious desserts that will have your mouth watering!We tried The Charlotte Cake with Chocolate BavarianCream in the center. It was so good I can’t wait to go back &8 • September 2007

DINING REVIEWhave another! I can just imagine what her otherdesserts are like.The Library has Special Occasions: Sunday Morning– Brunch with Chef Steve, Omelet’s and Crepes 11am –2pm plus Sunday Service Industry Night – Karaokeand Crepes 10pm – 2am. Live music Wednesdays,Thursdays and occasionally on Fridays – check theirwebsite for a complete entertainment schedulewww.thelibrary-pgh.com - Plus, their kitchen is openuntil 1am. They also host private parties on their secondfloor party facility, provide catering and offer ?price appetizers Monday thru Friday from 11pm to1am. The menus are presented in books. Who couldask for more? Check them out at www.thelibrarypgh.com.The Library is located on the South Side at2304 East Carson Street - Pittsburgh, PA 15203Phone: 412-381-0517.Left to Right: Dan Gold, Chip Hamilton, Jeff Brungo, Steve HarlowSeptember 2007 • 9

NIGHT TECHApple’s New i-MacThe crown jewel in Apple'sattention to detail since thereturn of its chief executiveSteve Jobs has been the initialunpacking and setup of itsdevices. Few, if any, of its customerswould disagree that thefirm is determined to please firsttimeusers before they've everlaunched a program or played asong.Setting up the iMac is alsojust about as trouble-free as ithas been for past iMacs, particularlyin the era of near-ubiquitouswireless. As with any modernMac, the new iMac may onlyrequire as much as a powercable when it sits on your desk.Our first boot was extremely smooth and guided usthrough choosing languages, configuring our Wi-Fi connection,and setting up both a user account and registrationinformation in just a few minutes -- though asusual, Apple tries to foist .Mac on its customers beforethe Mac OS X desktop will make its first appearance.If there were a complaint to level against thecompany during the first few minutes, it would be thecontinued need for a FireWire cable to use the MigrationAssistant that eases the switchover to a new system.The need to use a special target disk mode, with acable the user likely doesn't have, isn't very justifiablewhen Macs have supported gigabit Ethernet and USB2.0 for years.Whether or not you believe Apple's claims that thenew iMac is more eco-friendly than the white plasticmodel it replaces, there's little doubt that the all-in-onecomputer "for the rest of us" has been taken upscale.Both the anodized aluminum and black plastic trim feeland look better-built than before without adding to theoverall price -- and, conveniently, draw mental associationsbetween the Mac and the similarly-styled iPhone.Choosing aluminum has lightened the system andmakes both carrying it around and tilting its display justthat much easier. Those prone to losing their AppleRemote or depending on the sleep light will be disappointed,however. The thick metal prevents the Macmaker from installing either a magnet or a light insidethe case, eliminating two minor but appreciated advantagesfrom the past.Front-and-center in the design is the controversialglossy LCD display. How much you like the display isjust as binary as the overall look. Like the 13.3-inchMacBook, the gloss is intended to produce bolder colors comparedto the occasionally washed-out look of matte screens.For the average home user more interested in watchingmovies or presenting a slideshow, the effect is striking and (ona 24-inch model) could fool you into thinking it was a small,high-quality HDTV. In a properly-lit room, reflections are still afact of life but are seldom distracting enough to overwhelm thepositives of the new display. Still, we question the wisdom of aglossy display, especially for the large surface area of our testunit. But it's not the fatal blow some would have expected.Ask a professional artist or video editor what they think,however, and you'll likely receive a very different opinion. Thesame vivid colors that make the screen "pop" also distort theperceived colors for producers trying to judge how well theimage will translate to someone's print ad or DVD. Reflectionsplay even more havoc with accuracy by hiding detail andblending into the on-screen colors. Using a fixed color profilemitigates the problem but just shouldn't be necessary for asystem being marketed to both home users and pro customersalike.The much-vaunted aluminum keyboard should be less contentious.In addition to being extremely compact -- a virtue inthe small spaces where the iMac may sit -- the new design isactually easier to type with in practice. The MacBook-like flatkeys have a larger surface area to strike and travel quicklyenough that you can move to the next key sooner than youmight with the older translucent case. Any doubts that thekeyboard might be flimsy have also been erased: the thin slabof metal is absolutely solid. Users might be frustrated by thetwo extra USB ports, however, as both of them are tuckedunderneath the metal and require that you lift the keyboardbefore plugging in a camera or a mouse.10 • September 2007

The Steel City Derby Demons present:Brain-TinglingRoller DerbyAction!Bitch Doctors vs. Hot Metal HellionsSCDD 2007 Championship Bout • Saturday September 8, 2007At BladeRunners-Harmarville • Doors at 5:30, Hot Derby Action 6:30$10 in Advance $15 at the Door Free for Kids under 10For information or ticket sales go to www.steelcityderbydemons.comGET FITBE HEALTHYPilatesPersonal TrainingYo g aCorporate Classes • Private InstructionCertified • Experienced • Insuredwww.GetFitWithTrish.com412.657.0635September 2007 • 11

THEATERMy Fair LadyThis award-winning production makes its Pittsburghpremiere at the Benedum Center for the Performing Artson September 18-23, 2007, as part of a national tour.Lerner & Loewe’s MY FAIR LADY comes to the U.S.direct from its 2001 West End run and U.K. national tourthat began fall 2005.Christopher Cazenove, one of England’s mostrespected stage and screen actors best known to U.S.audiences as Ben Carrington on television’s “Dynasty”and Lisa O’Hare, who most recently starred as the titlerole of Mary Poppins in London, will star as ProfessorHenry Higgins and Eliza Doolittle, roles they originatedon the extended U.K. national tour. Also featured in theU.S. Tour premiere are Tim Jerome as Alfred P. Doolittle,Walter Charles as Colonel Hugh Pickering, Sally AnnHowes as Mrs. Higgins, Alma Cuervo as Mrs. Pierce,Justin Bohon as Freddy Eynsford-Hill and Dana DeLisaas Eliza Doolittle alternate. Lisa O’Hare is appearing withthe permission of Actors’ Equity Association. TheProducers gratefully acknowledge Actors’ EquityAssociation for its assistance of this production.MY FAIR LADY has book and lyrics by Alan JayLerner and music by Frederick Loewe. It is adaptedfrom Bernard Shaw’s play Pygmalion and GabrielPascal’s motion picture and features one of Broadway’s mostbeloved scores including “The Rain in Spain,” “ICould Have Danced All Night” and “Get Me to the Church onTime.”The show opened to record-breaking advance sales andwent on to win five Laurence Olivier Awards, including‘Outstanding Musical Production’ and ‘Best TheatreChoreographer’ for Matthew Bourne. In 2002 it received TheHilton Award for Outstanding Musical Production.Cameron Mackintosh and the National Theatre of GreatBritians Award winning Production of Lerner and Loewe’s“My Fair Lady” at THE BENEDUM CENTERSEPTEMBER 18-23, 2007.Performances will be held Tuesday-Thursday, 7:30 p.m.;Friday at 8 p.m.; Saturday at 2 p.m. and 8 p.m.; and Sundayat 1 p.m. and 6:30 p.m. Tickets ($20.50 - $62) may be purchasedat the Box Office at Theater Square, online atpgharts.org or by calling (412) 456-6666. To purchase 20 ormore tickets, please call (412) 471-6930. Student discountsare also available.12 • September 2007

Is it a Summer Bummer -- Or Can LoveLast Past Labor Day?by Kara CzerniakSummer is the time for romance -- the heat, the skimpyclothes, the vacations -- given these ingredients, no wonder!However, summer romance usually comes with an expirationdate, either because you met on vacation, or in some transientstate -- maybe one of you must return to school, etc.Knowing this, summer romances are usually more intense.Often, you abandon your normal inhibitions, maybe evenwhat is considered your normal “personality”, to indulge insomething that goes way faster than your usual romanticpace. The bad news is, more often than not, these quasirelationshipsusually end with one person left wanting more.Don’t get me wrong, I’m sure there are plenty of marriagesthat started out as summer flings. But this is definitely theminority. For those of you who still think that summer lovecan last into the cold realities of winter, here are some tips:DO talk about expectations, from the very beginning. Ifyou are just looking for summer fun, say so NOW. Make sureyou find out if the other person is looking for this, too, or ifthey might want more. This will avoid opposite expectationsin the end, and hurt feelings.DO find out a little history, such as does the other personhave another love back home? I know plenty of people whothink, as long as it happens in another zip code, it doesn’tcount!DON’T lie about what you really want. It’s better to “scarethem off” now, rather than later, when you have feelingsinvested. Dropping hints won’t work, either. Saying you wantno strings, and then playing Al Green’s “Let’s Stay Together”ROMANCEin the background of your final dinner together is themakings of a bad scene, trust me.DON’T be afraid to continue with your normal sexualmorals. If you think they won’t be around tomorrow ifyou don’t sleep with them tonight, then they weren’tworth it anyway!DO become friends first. Hot as they may be, youstand a much better chance of staying together past thesummer if you actually like each other!DO try to make plans for a casual meeting beyondsummer, say a football game or tickets to a local dinnertheater. This is often a good test run to see if the relationshipwill still work outside of the summer comfortzone. It the other person hesitates, it’s not a good sign.DON’T try to make plans for something more serious,such as your cousin’s October wedding. Stick to thecasual before you take the “wedding date” plunge!DON’T be afraid to break it off before the end of summerif you find yourself getting in too deep, and youknow the other person doesn’t mirror your feelings.Better to let go early, and still have a chance of recoveringthe rest of summer than to spend the autumn in astate of misery!Getting on the same page (and staying there) is anessential part of making your summer romance last. Beupfront, be honest, and be careful. Many of the bestmemories are made in summertime, and sometimes, thebest ones are better left there!Bark & Brew Happy HoursCanine Movie NightsCanine Coffee KlatchesBark in the Park Dog WalkDoga & other classes for you and your poochMust Love Dogs.And that’s not even all. Learn more.Call 412.847.7000The Caryl Gates GluckResource Center atAnimalFriendsOnly 10 minutes North of Downtown!562 Camp Horne RoadPittsburgh, PA 15237412.847.7000www.ThinkingOutsideTheCage.orgRadz © 2005September 2007 • 13

MUSICEmilyPinkertonBy Trish ImbrognoPhotos by Todd BrunozziWhen you hear local songwriter and ethnomusicologistEmily Pinkerton sing, a sense of nostalgia invadesyou. As a matter of fact, The Santiago Times (Chile)called her voice the epitome of loneliness and a portalfor the familiarity that only home can bring.Lyrical and hypnotic, Emilys performances are aunique combination of Latin American music and thetraditional sounds of American Old-Time. Born in theMidwest, she studied in Chile where she first heardVioleta Parra, a major influence in all of her music. Shesings fluently in Spanish for many of her songs, thenpicks up her banjo and tells American tales such asJohn Lover is Gone.You’ll find Emily on stage with an array of instrumentsin her arsenal. She plays guitar, banjo and violin expertly,but her talent with the guitarron (a traditional 25-stringed Chilean guitar) has set her apart from her folkmusic counterparts. Her musical dexterity and hauntingcompositions have gained her international acclaim,including recognition by Pittsburgh City Paper, SingOut!, The Space, The Santiago Times (Chile) and TheNew Haven Advocate.Emily has performed across North and SouthAmerica at venues such as SXSW, Makor, the CactusCafe and La Casa en el Aire. On fiddle, banjo and guitar, shehas shared the stage with artists such as Divahn, Glen Velez,Stacy Phillips, and the Chieftains.While she often performssolo shows, you may be lucky enough to hear her play a setwith her husband and composer Patrick Burke (guitar/keyboards)and double bassist Trish Imbrogno.For more information about Emily Pinkerton, check out herwebsite, www.emilypinkerton.com. Dont forget to make heryour friend on Myspace, www.myspace.com/ejpinkerton.Upcoming Shows:Saturday, September 15, 6pm, Altar Bar, Strip District (Concertof Chilean Music)Monday, September 24, 6pm, Carnegie Mellon UniversityCenter Art GallerySaturday, October 13, with composer Cristian Amigo,time/location TBASaturday, December 8, Carnegie Hall, Oakland (opening forAlejandro Escovedo)14 • September 2007

Y O G AT R I B A LB E L L YD A N C EMODERND A N C ECAPOEIRAbreatheSPECIALIZEDMASSAGEYOGA1113 East Carson Street3rd FloorHistoric South Side81.YOGA41212/48181www.breathe-yogastudio.comSeptember 2007 • 15

LOCAL BUSINESSRespect, Honest, and Fair.Simply The Best! LifetimeAutomotive - North HillsWhether, it’s a simple oil change, inspection, tire rotation,new brakes or something major, Lifetime Auto isthe place to go. They have put back respect, honestyand fair pricing into auto repairs and maintenance. AtLifetime Auto, you never have to worry about beingovercharged with their upfront pricing and personalattention to each and every detail. They make maintainingand keeping your auto or truck in tip top condition abreeze.In the North Hills, managing partner, Jack Bara willgreet you with a smile and win you over with is charmand automotive expertise. John DeGregorio theAssistant Manager is equally as responsive, knowledgeand treats each customer like family. Here, you do feela sense of family and will soon become very comfortableknowing that your concerns and auto issues will beaddressed and taken care of without ever being overcharged,this is especially important, if you are a womanin search of a garage that you can feel comfortabledealing with. Trust me, this is the place!!All technicians are ASE Master Technicians, highlytrained and experts on how to totally maintain, repair orFrom left to right: Justin Paul, John DeGregorio, Larrry Simonettasimply keep your car running at its peak performance. So, getyour vehicle in for a fall checkup and you’ll see for yourselfwhat we mean.Lifetime Auto conveniently located in the North Hills minutesfrom downtown on Babcock Blvd – 412-931-2277 or theyhave two other locations 5111 Baum Boulevard – 412-681-4400 and 5711 Forward Avenue – 412-421-7555. OpenMonday thru Friday 8A-5P and Saturday 8-4.See their ad on page 25.16 • September 2007

September NightlifeNIGHT LIFEMr. Smalls: tickets available at www.ticketweb.com/mrsmalls,866.468.340109-02-07 The Ditty Bops w/ Ice Cream Truck09-11-07 Mindless Self Indulgence w/ Julien-K09-12-07 The Receiving End of Sirens w/ Emanuel, Envy onthe Coast, New Low09-13-07 Feist w/ Rogue Wave @ Carnegie Music Hall -Presented by 91.3fm WYEP09-15-07 Reverbnation Tour featuring REHAB w/ The CrazyAnglos09-16-07 rockUGANDA featuring Annasay, Victory Lane,Another Found Self - Benefit for Invisible Children Doors09-17-07 All That Remains w/ Protest the Hero, The AcaciaStrain, Too Pure to Die09-18-07 Atmosphere w/ Mac Lethal, Grayskul, Luckyiam (ofLiving Legends)09-20-07 Subhumans w/ World/Inferno Friendship Society,Caustic Christ09-21-07 Invisible Children - School for Schools Benefit ft.Juggling Suns w/ theCause09-23-07 PGHPOP Festival featuring Metric w/ CrystalCastles, Longwave, Robbers on High Street, Shade, DJs09-25-07 Cartel w/ The Honorary Title, Weatherbox09-26-07 JJ Grey & MOFRO / Assembly of Dust09-27-07 Twiztid w/ Ill Bill, Mower09-28-07 Finger Eleven w/ SIck Puppies, Pride TigerSassy Marie’s - 422 Foreland Street – On Pittsburgh’sHistoric North Side - 412-246-0355 www.sassymaries.comSept 1 – Jimmy PonderSept 5 – Wil-E TriSept 8 – KeniaSept 14 – Dwayne DolphinSept 15 – Jimmy Adler BandSept 21 – Tony CampbellSept 22 – 706 UnionSept 28 – Gene LudwigDiesel – 1601 E. Carson – South Side – 412-431-8800Sept 8 – Brett DennenSept 15 – ChevelleSept 29 – Minus the DearPhipps Conservatory – OaklandSept 27 – Garden Groove & Chihuly Nights – 6PM –10PM$30 includes admission to the Chihuly at Phipps Garden& Glass ShowBuy tickets online: http://tickets.conservatory.org - Mustbe over 21 to attendRiver City Brass Band - SEPTEMBER CURTAINRAISERS!September 13, Thursday, Byham Theater, 7:30pmTICKETS ($39, $29, $19)Call 800-292-7222 or visit www.rcbb.com.The curtain comes up on a program sure to bring downthe house! You’ll hear fabulous new arrangements ofmuch-loved songs from the Broadway stage and the silverscreen. Nothing but great tunes played by the 28 virtuososof RCBB!Club Cafe - 56-58 South 12th Street - Pittsburgh, PA15203 - 412-431-49509-4-07 The Start9-5-07 Shannon Curfman9-7-07 White Rabbits9-8-07 Bill Deasy (2 Shows)9-12-07 Buckwheat Zydeco9-15-07 Matt Dusk9-18-07 Heavy Trash featuring Jon Spencer9-22-07 Jesse Harris9-25-07 Kim Richey9-26-07 Erin McKeownAll events subject to change. Please contact venue for showtimes and dates.Nightwire is not responsible for incorrect or misprinted shows, times,dates, or venues.Sept 29 – Angel Blue and the ProphetsSeptember 2007 • 17

TRAVELTraveling with your Pet!If you and Spot the Dog are planning on taking a longroad trip anytime during the year, here are a few thingsyou should know, and a few items you should definitelyhave in the car with you. Fall is a great time to take youpet out to a new park and explore! Many hotels doaccommodate our furry pets, be sure and check out petfriendly hotels.Things to do Before You Leave (Many days before ...)Acclimatize your dog to car travel - Start with short tripsaround town, and make sure you end up some place funfor your dog. He needs to learn that a car trip has areward at the end, and this should put an end to anyreluctance when the time comes to "load up" for the bigtrip.Vaccinate your dog: Rabies vaccine, which your dogshould have anyway, but he needs it at least thirty daysin advance of crossing the border from any side.Bordatella vaccines for Kennel Cough prevention, if youplan on boarding him at any time. This should be done atleast 4 weeks in advance. Lyme Vaccine is recommendedif you plan on entering an area where ticks are present.Stuff You'll NeedFull water bottles - There's no guarantee that you'llbe able to stop along the road near clean water, andeven an air-conditioned can make your dog thirsty onhis trip. By keeping a water bottle or two full of drinkablewater, you'll ensure that he has plenty of moisture. Alsokeep a bowl handy, as some dogs just will not drink froma bottle.Extra food - If you don't bring your dog's regular foodwith you, you do run the risk of having to switch him to adifferent brand if what he is used to is unavailable whereveryou are. This can stress out a dog's digestive system,giving him gas, diarrhea, or causing him to vomit,which makes for a very smelly ride.His own blanket, or cuddly toy - A little comfort fromhome goes a long way, even if Mom and Dad are sittingin the front seat. Anxiety and stress can do funny (andsmelly) things to a dog, like diarrhea, and nausea. Again,not pleasant to drive with.Spare leash and collar - And keep it handy. Not onlygood for the dog, but a spare leash can used for manythings, including tying a splint in place if somebodybreaks a bone. And if you put two six foot leashes together,you'll have a twelve foot lead should you need to secure yourdog to anything, for any length of time.First Aid Kit - Something every vehicle should have, regardlessof pets or children. In an emergency, you never what you willneed, keep a fully stocked first aid kit in your vehicle at alltimes, since accidents can happen at any time.Veterinary records - Simply because you never know when youmight need them. They'll prove invaluable if you end up havingto rush your pooch to the local veterinarian's office for whateverreason. And if you plan on leaving the country, a currentstatement of health will be needed, saying that your dog is freeof any diseases and has had the current rabies vaccine.Proof of Identification - If your dog spooks and runs off for anyreason, having a valid microchip or up to date collar tags willhelp you get him back much quicker.And most important of all: Never, ever leave your dog in a hotcar!18 • September 2007

Sassy mariesSeptember 2007 • 19

STEELERSSteeler Mania!Photo by Jeff SwensenThe Pittsburgh Steeler’s kick off their regular seasonon September 9 at Cleveland against the Browns. Iftheir preseason was any indication of how Steeler Maniawill overtake the city, we’re in for a wild ride. Local barsand Steeler haunts are reporting more interest in thepreseason than in past seasons. Check out our SteelerMania page for where to go and find out what specialswill be running during the Steeler games. Could be ournew head coach has already won the hearts of SteelersFans… as more and more fans begin to say…..”Billwho?” It certainly looks as if the Steelers are buyinginto what new coach Mike Tomlin is selling. Accordingto right or left offensive tackle (depending on what day itis) Max Starks, "Coach Tomlin definitely demands thatrespect. He's a great guy. We look forward to playing forhim." Added nose tackle Chris Hope, "Coach Tomlin isdoing a great job. Coach Cowher was an icon." Verytrue. The man truly is an icon, with The Jaw, The FlyingSaliva, and The Stare. Not to mention his record. Nomatter what you think of Cowher, after the 2005 playoffrun to the Superbowl and subsequent victory, hecertainly cemented his place in the Pittsburgh IconHall of Fame.Coach Tomlin has a long way to go to achieve iconicstatus. But so far, so good. Sure, the Hall of Fame gamewas nothing more than a glorified scrimmage, butTomlin's Steelers -- yes, Tomlin's Steelers -- played withboth enthusiasm and discipline and, in Tomlin's currentmantra, "hard, tough and fast."We would like to add the word smart, also. CoachTomlin is dressing in all black. We hope he'll wear hisbasic black for every practice, every game, every pressconference. It just might be the beginning of his imagebuilding and quest for icon-ness. It worked for JohnnyCash, didn’t it?What can we look forward to, well, our running gamehas produced four solid games, and it’ll be on the backfieldto do it yet again when the Steelers kickoff theirregular season. Also, the backs are going to have tostep up in short yardage and red zone/goal line situations,which we know they are fully capable of doingwhatever it takes. Willie Parker is back and healthy, andhe'll be getting a lot more play action in the regular season.If he gets off to a good early start, which we areconfident he will, that'll be good news for the Steelers.That being said, the passing game will be all on BigBen's shoulders, he has been accurate in the shortgame, while he's been on the field in the preseason, butnow it's time for us to see full game Ben and what he istotally capable of doing, winning games. He needs toget the air attack on track early, opening the game upfor the run to take over.Our secondary is going to have to play tight andsmart, and the pass rush will need to build off of thepreseason games. This season looks very promisingand with the Pittsburgh fans behind this great team, weare confident that the Steelers are going to have anincredible season. Let’s GO STEELERS!! We found agreat site for diehard Steeler fans…www.steelersfever.com Check it out!!20 • September 2007

STEELERSPITTSBURGH STEELERS 2007 REGULAR SEASONDate Opponent KickoffSun. September, 9 @ Cleveland 1:00 P.M. (CBS)Sun. September, 16 BUFFALO 1:00 P.M. (CBS)Sun. September, 23 SAN FRANCISCO 1:00 P.M. (FOX)Sun. September, 30 @ Arizona 4:15 P.M. (CBS)Sun. October, 7 SEATTLE 1:00 P.M. (FOX)Sun. October, 14 Bye Week -Sun. October, 21 @ Denver 8:15 P.M. (NBC)Sun. October, 28 @ Cincinnati 1:00 P.M. (CBS)Mon. November, 5 BALTIMORE 8:30 P.M. (ESPN)Sun. November, 11 CLEVELAND 1:00 P.M. (CBS)Sun. November, 18 @ N.Y. Jets 1:00 P.M. (CBS)Mon. November, 26 MIAMI 8:30 P.M. (ESPN)Sun. December, 2 CINCINNATI 8:15 P.M. (NBC)Thu. December, 9 @ New England 1:00 P.M. (CBS)Sun. December, 16 JACKSONVILLE 1:00 P.M. (CBS)Thu. December, 20 @ St. Louis 8:15 P.M. (KDKA/NFL)Sun. December, 30 @ Baltimore 1:00 P.M. (CBS)September 2007 • 21

HUMORDegrees of Blonde:FIRST DEGREE A married couple were asleep when thephone rang at 2:00 AM. The wife (undoubtedly blonde),picked up the phone, listened a moment and said, "Howshould I know, that's 200 miles from here!" and hung up.Thehusband said, "Who was that?" The wife said, "Idon't know, some woman wanting to know if the coastis clear."SECOND DEGREE Two blondes are walking down thestreet. One notices a compact on the sidewalk andleans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror,and says, "Hmm, this person looks familiar". Thesecond blonde says, "Here, let me see!" So the firstblonde hands her the compact. The second one looks inthe mirror and says, "You dummy, it's me!"THIRD DEGREE A blonde suspects her boyfriend ofcheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun. Shegoes to his apartment unexpectedly and when sheopens the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead.Well, the blonde is really angry. She opens her purse totake out the gun, and as she does so, she is overcomewith grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head.The boyfriend yells, "No honey, don't do it!" The blondereplies, "Shut up, you're next!"FOURTH DEGREE What did the blonde ask her doctorwhen he told her she was pregnant? "Is it mine?"FIFTH DEGREE A blonde was bragging about herknowledge of state capitals. She proudly says, "Goahead, ask me, I know all of them." A friend says,"OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin?" The blondereplies, "Oh, that's easy: W."SIXTH DEGREE Bambi, a blonde in her fourth year as aUCLA freshman, sat in her US government class. Theprofessor asked Bambi if she knew what Roe vs. Wadewas about. Bambi pondered the question then finallysaid, "That was the decision George Washington had tomake before he crossed the Delaware".SEVENTH DEGREE Returning home from work, ablonde was shocked to find her house ransacked andburglarized. She called the police at once andreported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast thecall on the radio, and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby, wasthe first to respond. As the K-9 officer approached thehouse with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out onthe porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, thensat down on the steps. Putting her face in her hands, shemoaned "I come home to find all my possessions stolen, I callthe police for help, and what do they do? They send me aBLIND policeman!Eight Words with Two Meanings1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.Female...... Any part under a car's hood.Male..... The strap fastener on a woman's bra.2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.Female.... Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.Male.... Playing football without a cup.3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.Female... The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one'spartner.Male... Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip withthe boys.4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.Female.... A desire to get married and raise a family.Male...... Trying not to hit on other women while out with thisone.5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.Female.... A good movie, concert, play or book.Male.... .. Anything that can be done while drinking beer.6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.Female.... An embarrassing by product of indigestion.Male...... A source of entertainment, self-expression, malebonding.7 MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.Female...... The greatest expression of intimacy a couple canachieve.Male.. Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.Female.... A device for changing from one TV channel toanother.Male... A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5minutes.22 • September 2007

Letter To Home....Dear Ma and Pa,I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmerthe Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile.Tell them to join up quick before all of the places are filled.I was restless at first because you got to stay in bed till nearly6 a.m., but I am getting so I like to sleep late. Tell Walt andElmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot, andshine some things- No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash tomix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing.Men got to shave but it is not so bad, there's warm water.Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs,bacon, etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak,fried eggplant, pie and other regular food, but tell Walt andElmer you can always sit by the two city boys that live on coffee.Their food, plus yours, holds you until noon, when you getfed again.It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much - We go on"route marches," which the platoon sergeant says are longwalks to harden us. If he thinks so, it's not my place to tell himdifferent. A "route march" is about as far as to our mailbox athome. Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back intrucks.The country is nice but awful flat. The sergeant is like a schoolteacher. He nags a lot. The Captain is like the school board.Majors and colonels just ride around and frown. Theydon't bother you none.This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keepgetting medals for shooting. I don't know why. The bullseyeis near as big as a chipmunk head and don't move,and it ain't shooting at you like the Higgett boys athome. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable andhit it. You don't even load your own cartridges - Theycome in boxes.Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training.You get to wrestle with them city boys. I have to bereal careful though, they break real easy.It ain't like fighting with that ole bull at home. I'm aboutthe best they got in this, except for that Tug Jordan fromover in Silver Lake - I only beat him once. He joined upthe same time as me, but I'm only 5'6" and 130 pounds,and he's 6'8" and near 300 pounds dry.Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join beforeother fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding inYour loving daughter,Alice MaePONDER THISVictorian Bed‘30s Phone Boothwith phone‘40/’50sFormica Kitchenand ChairsCzech Seltzer BottlesCorona Neon SignDog Days of Summer Sale20% of enitre storeantiques & collectibles3533 Butler Street • 412-682-6781In Historic Lawrenceville • Wed- Sat 12-5:30pmSeptember 2007 • 23

HUMORNo Nursing Home For MeAbout 2 years ago my wife and I were on a cruisethrough the western Mediterranean aboard a Princessliner. At dinner, we noticed an elderly lady sitting alonealong the rail of the grand stairway in the main diningroom. I also noticed that all the staff, ships officers,waiters, busboys, etc., all seemed very familiar with thislady. I asked our waiter, who the lady was, expecting tobe told that she owned the line, but he said he onlyknew that she had been on board for the last four cruises,back to back. As we left the dining room oneevening, I caught her eye and stopped to say hello. Wechatted and I said, "I understand you've been on thisship for the last four cruises". She replied, "Yes, that'strue." I stated, "I don't understand" and she replied,without a pause, "It's cheaper than a nursing home".So, there will be no nursing home in my future. When Iget old and feeble, I am going to get on a PrincessCruise Ship. The average cost for a nursing home is$200 per day. I have checked on reservations atPrincess and I can get a long-term discount and seniordiscount price of $135 per day. That leaves $65 a dayfor:1. Gratuities, which will only be $10 per day.2. I will have as many as 10 meals a day if I can waddleto the restaurant, or I can have room service(which means I can have breakfast in bed every day ofthe week).3. Princess has as many as three swimming pools, aworkout room,free washers and dryers, and shows every night.4. They have free toothpaste and razors, and free soapand shampoo.5. They will even treat you like a customer, not apatient. An extra $5 worth of tips will have the entirestaff scrambling to help you.6. I will get to meet new people every 7 or 14 days.7. TV broken? Light bulb need changing? Need to havethe mattress replaced? No Problem! They will fix everythingand apologize for your inconvenience.8. Clean sheets and towels every day, and you don'teven have to ask for them.9. If you fall in the nursing home and break a hip you are onMedicare; if you fall and break a hip on the Princess ship theywill upgrade you to a suite for the rest of your life.Now hold on for the best! Do you want to see SouthAmerica, the Panama Canal, Tahiti, Australia, New Zealand,Asia, or name where you want to go? Princess will have aship ready to go. So don't look for me in a nursing home, justcall shore to ship.PS. And don't forget, when you die, they just dump you overthe side at no charge.Cocktails?Man goes into a cocktail lounge and approaches Maxine sittingby herself. Man: "May I buy you a cocktail?" Maxine:"No thank you, alcohol is bad for my legs."Man: "Sorry to hear that. Do they swell?" Maxine: "No, theyspread ."Meeting on the BeachA recently widowed Jewish lady, was sitting on a beach towelat Ormond Beach, Florida . She looked up and noticed that aman her age had walked up, placed his blanket on the sandnearby and began reading a book.Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversation with him."Hello, sir, how are you?""Fine, thank you," he responded, and turned back to his book."I love the beach. Do you come here often?" she asked."First time since my wife passed away last year," he replied,and again turned back to his book."Do you live around here?" she asked."Yes, I live over in Plantation Bay he answered, and thenresumed reading.Trying to find a topic of common interest, Sarah persisted. "Doyou like pussy cats?"With that, the man threw his book down, jumped off his blanketonto hers, tore off both their swimsuits and gave her themost passionate ride of her life!As the cloud of sand began to settle, Sarah gasped and askedthe man, "How did you know that was what I wanted?"The man replied, "How did you know my name was Katz?"Titanic CoffeeQ: What kind of coffee was served on the titanic?A: Sanka.24 • September 2007

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26 • September 2007

Hollywood SquaresIf you remember the Original Hollywood Squares and itscomics, this may bring a tear to your eyes. These great questionsand answers are from the days when "HollywoodSquares" game show responses were spontaneous and clever,not scripted and (often) dull, as they are now.Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course.Enjoy!!Q. Do female frogs croak?A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water longenough.****************Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how highshould you be?A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.*****************Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.***************Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probablya man or a woman?A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.**********************Q. According to Cosmo, if you meet a stranger at a party andyou think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out andask him if he's married?A. Rose Marie: No; wait until morning.************************Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you getolder?A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.***************************Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say "ILove You"?A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and atwenty.*******************Q. What are "Do It," "I Can Help," and "I Can't Get Enough"?A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the nextapartment.******************************Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less withyour hands while talking?A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old questionPeter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget.*********************************Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?A. Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.**********************************Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are yougoing to get any during the first year?A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.**********************************Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.***************************JOKES, JOKES, JOKESQ. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjectsat nudist camps. One is politics, what is the other?A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.********************************Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or inthe closet?A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe inthe bedroom.**********************************Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.*******************************Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail.What will a goose do?A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?***************************Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would yougive birth to?A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid ofthe dark.******************************Q. According to Ann Landers, is their anything wrongwith getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.******************************Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of yourbody, what is it?A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn'tneglected.***************************Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa puthorseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.***********************************Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, yourwife or your elephant?A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?***************************Q. When a couple has a baby, who is responsible for itssex?A. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up tohim.**********************************************Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmlybelieves in them and has actually seen them on at leasttwo occasions. What are they?A. Charley Weaver: His feet.***********************************Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things youshould never do In bed?A. Paul Lynde: Point and LaughSeptember 2007 • 27

LAUGHSIf I DiedWIFE:What would you do if I died? Would you get marriedagain?HUSBAND:Definitely not!WIFE:Why not - don't you like being married?HUSBAND:Of course I do.WIFE:Then why wouldn't you remarry?HUSBAND:Okay, I'd get married again.WIFE:You would? (With a hurtful look on her face).HUSBAND:(Makes audible groan).WIFE:Would you live in our house?HUSBAND:Sure, it's a great house.WIFE:Would you sleep with her in our bed?HUSBAND:Where else would we sleep?WIFE:Would you let her drive my car?HUSBAND:Probably, it is almost new.WIFE:Would you replace my pictures with hers?HUSBAND:That would seem like the proper thing to do.WIFE:Would she use my golf clubs?HUSBAND:No, she's left-handed.EskimosQ: What do eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long?A: Polaroids.MarriageMarriage is a relationship in which one person is always right,and the other is a husband.Do You Serve Lawyers?A man walked into a bar with his alligator and asked the bartender,"Do you serve lawyers here?" "Sure do," replied thebartender. "Good," said the man. "Give me a beer, and I'llhave a lawyer for my gator."Sex Research"In my case," said the student to the sex researcher, "when Iget it part way in, my vision blurs. And when it's all the way in,I can't see a thing." "Now, that's an most interesting opticalreaction, that may well have anatomical as well as physiologicalbasis," the researcher replied. "If you don't mind youngman, I should like to have a look at it." So, the student volunteershrugged and stuck out his tongue.KittensA woman telephoned a veterinarian and asked him to comeexamine her cat. "I don't know what's wrong with her," thewoman told him. "She looks as if she's going to have kittens,but that's impossible. She's never been out of the houseexcept for when I had her on a leash." The vet examined thecat and said there was no question about her pregnancy. "Butshe can't be," protested the woman. "It's impossible." At thatpoint a large tomcat emerged from under the sofa. "Howabout him?" asked the vet. "Don't be silly," answered thewoman. "That's her brother."28 • September 2007

Evil WomanA sexy woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. Shegestured alluringly to the bartender who approached herimmediately. She seductively signaled that he should bringhis face closer to hers. As he did, she gently caressed his fullbeard. "Are you the manager?" she asked, softly stroking hisface with both hands. "Actually, no," he replied. "Can you gethim for me?I need to speak to him," she said, running her hands beyondhis beard and into his hair. "I'm afraid I can't," breathed thebartender. "Is there anything can do?" "Yes. I need for you togive him a message," she continued, running her forefingeracross the bartender's lips and slyly popping a couple ofher fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently."What should I tell him?" the bartender managed to say."Tell him," she whispered, "there's no toilet paper, hand soap,or paper towels in the ladies room!"Best Kept SecretsA couple had been married for 20 years. Every time they madelove, the husband insisted on turning off the light. After 20years, the wife felt this habit was ridiculous. So one night,while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romanticsession, she turned on the lights. She looked down and sawher husband was holding a battery-operated pleasure deviceavibrator. She went completely ballistic."You impotent bastard" she screamed at him. "How could yoube lying to me all these years? You'd better explain yourself!"The husband looked her straight in the eyes and said calmly."I'll explain the toy, you explain the kids."Eleven Things You'll Never Hear AWoman Say1. "Do you think this dress makes me look too slim?"2. "You take me out too much, can't we just stay in."3. "A fake one will do."4. "You look stressed out, let me give you a blowjob."5. "Have a night out with your mates, you deserve it."6. "That Pamela Anderson has a lovely body."7. "My mother is a real old bitch."8. "No, no, you buy me too much already."9. "Give it to me hard up the arse, big boy - you know I loveit."10. "What headache."11. "Put your money away, let me buy the rounds."Plane CrashAn American girl, a French girl and an African girl are travelingon a plane. The plane is about to crash, so the American girlstarts putting on her make-up. Everyone was curious."Rescuers will save a beautiful girl first," she says.The French girl opens her bra and says, "The rescuerswill save a girl with beautiful breasts first." The Africangirl pulls her knickers down and says, "Screw that,everyone knows they always look for the black boxfirst!"Now That I'm Retired...Working people frequently ask me what I do to makemy days interesting now that I'm retired. The other dayI went downtown and went into a shop. I was only inthere for about 5 minutes. When I came out there wasa cop writing out a parking ticket. I went up to him andsaid, "Come on, man, how about giving a retired persona break"? He ignored me and continued writingthe ticket. I called him a "Nazi." He glared at me andstarted writing another ticket for having worn tires.So I called him a "dough-nut eating Gestapo." He finishedthe second ticket and put it on the windshieldwith the first. Then he started writing a third ticket. Thiswent on for about 20 minutes. The more I abused him,the more tickets he wrote.Personally, I didn't care. I came downtown on the bus.The car that he was putting the tickets on had abumper sticker that said "Hillary in '08." I try to have alittle fun each day now that I'm retired. It's important tomy health.Girls Night OutLAUGHSTwo women friends had gone for a girl's night out.Both were very faithful and loving wives. However,they had gotten over-enthusiastic on the BacardiBreezers. Incredibly drunk, and walking home, theyneeded to pee, so they stopped in the cemetery. Oneof them had nothing to wipe with, so she thought shewould take off her panties and use them. Her friend,however was wearing a rather expensive pair ofpanties and did not want to ruin them. She was luckyenough to squat down next to a grave that had awreath with a ribbon on it, so she proceeded to wipewith that.After the girls did their business, they proceeded to gohome. The next day one of the women's husbandswas concerned that his normally sweet and innocentwife was still in bed -- hung over, so he phoned theother husband and said, "These girl nights have got tostop! I'm starting to suspect the worst. My wife camehome with no panties!!" "That's nothing" said the otherhusband, "Mine came back with a card stuck to herbutt that said....."From all of us at the Fire Station.We'll never forget you."September 2007 • 29

The Elevator RideOn a recent weekend in Atlantic City, a woman won a bucketfulof quarters at a slot machine. She took a break from theslots for dinner with her husband in the hotel dining room. Butfirst she wanted to stash the quarters in her room. "I'll be rightback and we'll go to eat," she told her husband and carriedthe coin-laden bucket to the elevator. As she was about towalk into the elevator she noticed two men already aboard.Both were black. One of them was tall...very tall...an intimidatingfigure. The woman froze. Her first thought was: These twoare going to rob me. Her next thought was: Don't be a bigot,they look like perfectly nice gentlemen. But racial stereotypesare powerful, and fear immobilized her. She stood and staredat the two men. She felt anxious, flustered and ashamed. Shehoped they didn't read her mind but Gosh, they had to knowwhat she was thinking!!! Her hesitation about joining them inthe elevator was all too obvious now. Her face was flushed.She couldn't just stand there, so with a mighty effort of willshe picked up one foot and stepped forward and followedwith the other foot and was on the elevator.Avoiding eye contact, she turned around stiffly and faced theelevator doors as they closed. A second passed, and theanother second, and then another.Her fear increased! The elevator didn't move. Panic consumedher. My God, she thought, I'm trapped and about to berobbed! Her heart plummeted. Perspiration poured from everypore. Then one of the men said, "Hit the floor." Instinct told herto do what they told her. The bucket of quarters flew upwardsas she threw outher arms and collapsed on the elevator floor.A shower of coins rained down on her. Take my money andspare me, she prayed. More seconds passed. She heard oneof the men say politely, "Ma'am, if you'll just tell us what flooryou're going to, we'll push the button." The one who said ithad a little trouble getting the words out. He was tryingmightily to hold in a belly laugh. The woman lifted her headand looked up at the two men. They reached down to help herup. Confused, she struggled to her feet. "When I told myfriend here to hit the floor," said the average sized one, "Imeant that he should hit the elevator button for our floor. I didn'tmean for you to hit the floor, ma'am." He spoke genially. Hebit his lip It was obvious he was having a hard time not laughing.The woman thought: My God, what a spectacle I've madeof myself. She was humiliated to speak. She wanted to blurtout an apology, but words failed her. How do you apologize totwo perfectly respectable gentlemen for behaving as thoughthey were going to rob you? She didn't know what to say. Thethree of them gathered up the strewn quarters and refilled herbucket.When the elevator arrived at her floor they then insisted onwalking her to her room. She seemed a little unsteady on herfeet, and they were afraid she might not make it down the corridor.At her door they bid her a good evening. As sheslipped into her room she could hear them roaring withlaughter as they walked back to the elevator.The woman brushed herself off. She pulled herselftogether and went downstairs for dinner with her husband.The next morning flowers were delivered to herroom - a dozen roses. Attached to EACH rose was acrisp one hundred dollar bill. The card said: "Thanks forthe best laugh we've had in years."It was signed;Eddie MurphyMichael JordanMedical TreatmentTwo patients limp into two different medical clinics withthe same complaint. Both have trouble walking andappear to require a hip replacement. The FIRST patient isexamined within the hour, is x-rayed the same day andhas a time booked for surgery the following week. TheSECOND sees his family doctor after waiting 3 weeks foran appointment, then waits 8 weeks to see a specialist,then gets an x-ray, which isn't reviewed for another weekand finally has his surgery scheduled for a month fromthen. Why the different treatment for the two patients?The FIRST is a Golden Retriever.The SECOND is a Senior Citizen.Next time take me to a vet!It was only a tap onthe shoulder...A passenger in a taxi leaned forward to ask the driver aquestion and tapped him on the shoulder. The driverscreamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus andthen drove up over the curb. For a few moments everythingwas silent in the cab, and then the still shakingdriver said, "I'm sorry, but you scared the daylights outof me." The frightened passenger apologized to the driver,and said he hadn't realized a mere tap on the shoulderwould frighten him so much.The driver replied, "No,no, I'm sorry, it's entirely my fault. Today is my first daydriving a cab. I've been driving a hearse for the last 23years..."Ah Nuts!Two peanuts walk into a bar.One was a salted.HUMORSeptember 2007 • 31

HUMORMarried HumorWife: "What are you doing?"Husband: Nothing.Wife: "Nothing...? You've been reading our marriagecertificate for an hour."Husband: "I was looking for the expiration date."Wife: "Do you want dinner?"Husband: "Sure! What are my choices?"Wife: "Yes and no."Wife: "You always carry my photo in your wallet. Why?"Hubby: "When there is a problem, no matter how impossible,I look at your picture and the problem disappears."Wife: "You see how miraculous and powerful I am foryou?"Hubby: "Yes! I see your picture and ask myself whatother problem can there be greater than this one?"Stress Reliever Girl: "When we get married, I want toshare all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden."Boy: "It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have anyworries or troubles."Girl: "Well that's because we aren't married yet."Son: "Mom, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning,he told me to give up my seat to a lady."Mom: "Well, you have done the right thing."Son: "But mom, I was sitting on daddy's lap."A newly married man asked his wife, "Would you havemarried me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?""Honey," the woman replied sweetly, "I'd have marriedyou, NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!"Father to son after exam: "Let me see your report card."Son: "My friend just borrowed it. He wants to scare hisparents."Girl to her boyfriend: One kiss and I'll be yours forever.The guy replies: "Thanks for the early warning."A wife asked her husband: "What do you like most inme, my pretty face or my sexy body?"He looked at her from head to toe and replied: "I likeyour sense of humor."MarriageA husband and wife came for counseling after 15 years ofmarriage. When asked what the problem was, the wife wentinto a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they hadever had in the 15 years they had been married. She went onand on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness,feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list ofun-met needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient lengthof time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and,after asking the wife to stand, embraced and kissed her passionately.The woman shut up and quietly sat down as thoughin a daze. The therapist turned to the husband and said, "Thisis what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can youdo this?" The husband thought for a moment and replied,.."Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays,but on Fridays, I fish.Monkey at The BarA guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders adrink and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all aroundthe place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eatsthem. Then he grabs one of the billiard balls, sticks it in hismouth, and to everyone's amazement, somehow swallows itwhole. The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see whatyour monkey just did?!" "No, what?" replied the man. "He justate the cue ball off my table...whole!" "Yeah, that doesn't surpriseme," replied the guy, "he eats everything in sight. Sorry,I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff. He finishes his drink, pays forthe stuff the monkey ate, then leaves. Two weeks later, he's inthe bar again, and has his monkey with him. He orders a drinkand the monkey starts running around the bar again. Whilethe man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschinocherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out,and eats it. Then the monkey finds a peanut, and again sticksit up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. The bartender is disgusted."Did you see what your monkey just did?", he asks."No, what?", replies the man. "Well, he stuck a maraschinocherry and a peanut up his butt, pulled it out and ate it!", saidthe bartender. "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me, " replied theman. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he hadto pass that cue ball, he measures everything first."Drinking AgeQ: Why did Arkansas raise the legal drinking age to 32?A: To keep alcohol out of the high schools.32 • September 2007

The Welfare OfficeA woman walks into the downtown welfare office, trailed by 15kids... "WOW," the social worker exclaims, "are they ALLYOURS???" "Yep they are all mine," the flustered mommasighs, having heard that question a thousand times before.She says, "Sit down Leroy. "All the children rush to find seats."Well," says the social worker, "then you must be here to signup. I'll need all your children's names." "This one's my oldest -he is Leroy." "OK, and who's next? ""Well, this one he is Leroy,also. "The social worker raises an eyebrow but continues. Oneby one, through the oldest four, all boys, all named Leroy.Then she is introduced to the eldest girl, named Leighroy! "Allright," says the caseworker. "I'm seeing a pattern here. Arethey ALL named Leroy?" Their Momma replied,! "Well, yes-itmakes it easier. When it is time to get them out of bed andready for school, I yell, 'Leroy! 'An' when it's time for dinner, Ijust yell 'Leroy!' an' they all comes a running. 'An' if I need tostop the kid who's running into the street, I just yell 'Leroy'and all of them stop. It's the smartest idea I ever had, namingthem all Leroy. "The social worker thinks this over for a bit,then wrinkles her forehead and says tentatively, "But what ifyou just want ONE kid to come, and not the whole bunch?" "Icall them by their last names."JOKES. JOKES, JOKESFuneral ProcessionA woman was leaving a convenience store with hermorning coffee when she noticed a most unusualfuneral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.A long black hearse was followed by a second longblack hearse about 50 feet behind the first one.Behind the second hearse was a solitary womanwalking a pit bull on a leash. Behind her, a short distanceback, were about 200 women walking singlefile. The woman couldn't stand her curiosity. Sherespectfully approached the woman walking the dogand said, "I am so sorry for your loss", I know now isa bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen afuneral like this. Whose funeral is it?" "My husband's.""What happened to him?" The womanreplied, "My dog attacked and killed him." Sheinquired further, "Well, who is in the second hearse?"The woman answered, "My mother-in-law. She wastrying to help my husband when the dog turned onher." A poignant and thoughtful moment of silencepassed between the two women. "Can I borrow thedog?" "Get in line."September 2007 • 33

HUMORMemories - Fender skirts!I came across this phrase yesterday "FENDERSKIRTS".A term I haven't heard in a long time and thinkingabout "fender skirts" started me thinking about otherwords that quietly disappear from our language withhardly a notice like "curb feelers" And "steering knobs."(AKA) suicide knob. Since I'd been thinking of cars, mymind naturally went that direction first. Any kids willprobably have to find some elderly person over 50 toexplain some of these terms to you. Remember"Continental kits?" They were rear bumper extendersand spare tire covers that were supposed to make anycar as cool as a Lincoln Continental. When did we quitcalling them "emergency brakes?" At some point "parkingbrake" became the proper term. But I miss the hintof drama that went with "emergency brake." I'm sad,too, that almost all the old folks are gone who would callthe accelerator the "foot feed." Didn't you ever wait atthe street for your daddy to come home, so you couldride the "running board" up to the house? Here's aphrase I heard all the time in my youth but never anymore- "store-bought." Of course, just about everythingis store-bought these days. But once it was braggingmaterial to have a store-bought dress or a store-boughtbag of candy. Coast to coast" is a phrase that once heldall sorts of excitement and now means almost nothing.Now we take the term "world wide" for granted thisfloors me. On a smaller scale, "wall-to-wall" was once amagical term in our homes. In the '50s, everyone coveredhis or her hardwood floors with, wow, wall-to-wallcarpeting! Today, everyone replaces their wall-to-wallcarpeting with hardwood floors. Go figure.When's the last time you heard the quaint phrase "in afamily way?" It's hard to imagine that the word "pregnant"was once considered a little too graphic, a littletoo clinical for use in polite company So we had all thattalk about stork visits and "being in a family way" or simply"expecting." Apparently "brassiere" is a word nolonger in usage. I said it the other day and my daughtercracked up. I guess it's just "bra" now "Unmentionables"probably wouldn't be understood at all. I always lovedgoing to the "picture show," but I considered "movie" anaffectation. Most of these words go back to the '50s, buthere's a pure-'60s word I came across the other day -"rat fink." Ooh, what a nasty put-down! Here's a word Imiss - "percolator." That was just a fun word to say. Andwhat was it replaced with? "Coffee maker." How dull. Mr.Coffee, I blame you for this.I miss those made-up marketing words that weremeant to sound so modern and now sound so retro.Words like "DynaFlow" and "Electrolux." Introducing the1963 Admiral TV, now with "SpectraVision!" Food forthought - Was there a telethon that wiped out lumbago?Nobody complains of that anymore. Maybe that's whatcastor oil cured, because I never hear mothers threateningkids with castor oil anymore. Some words aren'tgone, but are definitely on the endangered list. The onethat grieves me most "supper." Now everybody says"dinner." Save a great word. Invite someone to supper.Discuss fender skirts.CIA Job OpeningThe CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all thebackground checks, interviews and testing were done,there were 3 finalists...2 men and a woman For the finaltest, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metaldoor and handed him a gun. "We must know that youwill follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances.Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting ina chair. Kill her!” The man said, "You can't be serious. Icould never shoot my wife." The agent said, "Thenyou're not the right man for this job. Take your wife andgo home. "The second man was given the same instructions.He took the gun and went into the room. All wasquiet for about five minutes. Then the man came outwith tears in his eyes. "I tried, but I can't kill my wife."The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Takeyour wife and go home. "Finally, it was the woman'sturn. She was given the same instructions to kill her husband.She took the gun and went into the room. Shotswere heard, one shot after another, eight in a row. Theyheard screaming, crashing, and banging on the walls.After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door openedslowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweatfrom her brow. "This gun is loaded with blanks," shesaid. "I had to beat him to death with the chair."Moral: Never put a woman to the test34 • September 2007

Interesting Word TwisterThe Breeding BullHUMORSee if you can figure out what these words have in common:BananaDresserGrammarPotatoReviveUnevenAssessCome on….give it another try .Ok..... Answers at botom of pageSister Of St. FrancisA man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when henotices a sign out of the corner of his eye....It reads: SISTERSOF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 10 MILESHe thinks this is a figment of his imagination and drives onwithout second thought.... Soon he sees another sign whichreads: SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION5 MILESSuddenly he begins to realize that these signs are for real anddrives past a third sign saying:SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION NEXTRIGHTHis curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive.On the far side of the parking lot is a stone building with asmall sign next to the door reading: SISTERS OF ST. FRANCISHe climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answeredby a nun in a long black habit who asks, "What may we do foryou my son?" He answers, "I saw your signs along the highwayand was interested in possibly doing business...." "Verywell my son. Please follow me." He is led through many windingpassages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at aclosed door and tells the man, "Please knock on this door." Hedoes so and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cupanswers the door... This nun instructs, "Please place $100 inthe cup then go through the large wooden door at the end ofthe hallway." He puts $100 in the cup, eagerly trots down thehall and slips through the door pulling it shut behind him. Thedoor locks, and he finds himself back in the parking lot facinganother sign: GO IN PEACE. YOU HAVE JUST BEENSCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS. SERVES YOURIGHT, YOU SINNER!A man took his wife to the rodeo and one of their firststops was the breeding bull exhibit. They went up to thefirst pen and there was a sign attached that said, "Thisbull mated 50 times last year." The wife playfully nudgedher husband in the ribs and said, "See . He mated 50times last year ... once-a-week." They walked to thesecond pen which had a sign attached that said, "Thisbull mated 120 times last year." The wife gave her husbanda healthy jab and said, "That's more than twice aweek! You could learn a lot from him." They walked tothe third pen and it had a sign attached that said, incapital letters, "This bull mated 365 times last year." Thewife, so excited that her elbow nearly broke her husband'sribs, said, that's once-a-DAY. You could REALLYlearn something from this one." The husband looked ather and said, "Go over and ask him if it was with thesame cow."NOTE: The husband's condition has been upgradedfrom critical to stable and the doctors say after monthsof rehab and a couple more operations he will be ok.Yearly PhysicalYesterday I went to the doctor for my yearly physical.My blood pressure was high, my cholesterol was high,I'd gained some weight, and I didn't feel so hot.My doctor said eating right doesn't have to be complicatedand it would solve my physical problems. He saidjust think in colors; Fill your plate with bright colors:greens, yellows, reds, etc. I went right home and ate anentire bowl of M&M's and sure enough, I felt betterimmediately. I never knew eating right could be so easy.figure it out?word backwards, it will be the same word. Did youplace it at the end of the word, and then spell theIn all of the words listed, if you take the first letter,Answer To Word TwisterSeptember 2007 • 35

A Stunning Senior MomentApparently, a self-important college freshman attending arecent football game took it upon himself to explain to asenior citizen sitting next to him why it was impossible forthe older generation to understand his generation. "Yougrew up in a different world, actually an almost primitiveone" the student said, loud enough for many of those nearbyto hear. "The Young people of today grew up with television,jet planes, space travel, man walking on the moon.Our space probes have visited Mars. We have nuclear energy,ships and electric and hydrogen cars, cell phones.Computers with light-speed processing.. and more. "Aftera brief silence the senior citizen responded as follows:"You're right, son. We didn't have those things when wewere young.....so we invented them. Now, you arrogant littletwit, what are you doing for the next generation?" Theapplause was amazing...Old Man vs. Young ManThe strong young man at the construction site was braggingthat he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made aspecial case of making fun of one of the older workmen.After several minutes, the older worker had enough. "Whydon't you put your money where your mouth is," he said. "Iwill bet a week's wages that I can haul something in awheelbarrow over to that other building that you won't beable to wheel back. "You're on, old man," the braggartreplied. "Let's see what you got." The old man reachedout and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then,nodding to the young man, he said, "All right, dumb ass!Get in."IT GuysTwo IT guys were talking in a bar after work. "Guess what,"says the first IT guy, "I met this gorgeous blonde in a bar.""What did you do?" says the other IT guy. "Well, I invited herover to my place, we had a couple of drinks, we got into themood and then she suddenly asked me to take all herclothes off!" "You're kidding me!" says the second IT guy."Nope." says the first IT guy. "I took her miniskirt off, andthen I lifted her up and put her on my desk, next to my newlaptop." "Really?" asked the second IT guy. "You got a newlaptop?"Noisy MatingA veterinarian had a busy day at the clinic, but when he gothome from tending to all the sick animals, his wife was waitingwith a tall, cool drink and a romantic, candle-lit dinner,after which they had a few more drinks and went happily tobed. An hour later, the phone rang. "Is this the vet?" askedLAUGHSan elderly woman's voice. "Yes, it is," replied the vet, "Isthis an emergency?" "Well, sort of," said the woman."There's a whole bunch of cats on the roof outsidemaking a terrible noise mating and I can't get to sleep.What can I do about it?" The vet took a deep breath,then patiently replied, "Open the window and tell themthey're wanted on the phone." "Really?" said the elderlylady, "Will that stop them?" "It should," said the vet. "Itstopped me!"BruisedA guy goes over to his brother's house all bruised andhis clothes torn. His brother says, "Man, where haveyou been?" "I just got back from burying my mother-inlaw,"says the guy. "How did you get all bruised andyour clothes torn from burying your mother-in-law?""She wouldn't lie still!"DangerUpon entering the little country store, the strangernoticed a sign posted on the glass door saying,"Danger! Beware of Dog!" Inside, he noticed a harmlessold hound dog asleep on the floor beside the cash register.He asked the store manager, "Is that the dog folksare supposed to beware of?" "Yep, that's him," hereplied. The stranger couldn't help but be amused."That certainly doesn't look like a dangerous dog to me.Why in the world would you post that sign?" "Because,"the owner replied, "before I posted that sign, peoplekept tripping over him."A FavorA young woman on a flight from Mexico asked thepriest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?" "Ofcourse, what may I do for you?" the priest replied."Well, I bought an expensive hair dryer for my mother'sbirthday. It's unopened and over my customs limits. I'mafraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you couldcarry it through for me? Under your robes, perhaps?" "Iwould love to help you, dear, but I must warn you, I willnot lie," said the devout man. "With your honest face,Father, no one will question you." When they reachedthe customs area, she let the priest go ahead of her.The official asked, "Father, do you have anything todeclare?" "From the top of my head down to my waist, Ihave nothing to declare." The official thought thisanswer strange, so asked, "And what do you have todeclare from your waist to the floor?" "I have a marvelousinstrument designed for a woman's use, butwhich is, to date, unused." The official said, "Go ahead,Father. Next."September 2007 • 37

HOROSCOPESBy: Kris Brandt RiskeARIES: THE RAM (March 20 to April 19)Romance and socializing regain momentum as Venusturns direct in Leo on September 8. That’s as much ofa plus for the close relationships in your life as isMercury moving into Libra, your partnership sign,September 5, followed by the Sun on September 22.Communication flows, so take advantage of the opportunityto talk out recent concerns and issues.TAURUS: THE BULL (April 19 to May 20)Romantic relationships will be more serious, but alsomore secure and stable for the next two years withSaturn in Virgo. But it will be easy to get into a comfortablerut rather than move forward with someonewho could be a lifelong soul mate. Don’t rush, butdon’t delay. You also could welcome a new familymember or became an empty-nester.GEMINI: THE TWINS (May 20 to June 21)Your social life gains momentum as Venus turns directSeptember 8. Communication also benefits, and you’llbe motivated to get out and about and connect withpeople. Mercury in Libra, September 6-26, enhancesthe effect, as does the Sun in the same sign fromSeptember 22 on. The energy continues to flow intoOctober, thanks to the September 26 Full Moon inAries, your friendship sign. That’s a terrific week forcouples in love and singles searching for romance. Aska friend to arrange a date.CANCER: THE CRAB (June 21 to July 22)Family relationships are upbeat and uplifting, thanks toMercury in Libra, your domestic sign, September 5-27,and the Sun’s arrival in the same sign September 22.You’ll especially enjoy the relaxing, supportive atmosphereat home because workplace communications willbe a challenge. There you can expect power strugglesand difficult people whose main mission is to blockprogress. Stay out of the power plays as much as possible.Also continue to drive with extra care.LEO: THE LION (July 22 to August 22)Turn on the charm! Your social and love life come aliveas Venus turns direct in Leo on September 8. Fill themonth with outings, events, dates, and more as Marstravels in Gemini, your friendship sign, throughSeptember 28. If you’re searching for someone special,a pal could be your link to love, or you might find yourselffalling for someone you’ve always considered afriend.VIRGO: THE VIRGIN (August 22 to September 22)People are testy and relationships rocky during the timeleading up to the September 11 New Mon in your sign.After that, business and personal contacts bring youluck. Venus in Leo, which turns direct September 8, isperfect for couples in love who want to steal away for aromantic evening or weekend at home or away.LIBRA: THE BALANCE (September 22 to October 23)Jump-start your social life as Venus resumes direct motion inLeo, your friendship sign, September 8. It’s a cinch that you’llbe right back in the swing, with Mercury in your sign fromSeptember 5 – 26, and the Sun arriving there September 22.Plan a romantic holiday with your mate at home or awayaround the time of the September 26 Full Moon in Aries, yourpartnership sign. Be alert that week if you’re looking for love,when some singles discuss taking a relationship to the nextlevel.SCORPIO: THE SCORPION (October 23 to November 22)The September 11 New Moon in Virgo breathes fresh energyinto your social life and encourages you to widen your circle offriendship. Get involved in a club, organization, or communitygroup, or volunteer your skills for a good cause. You also canexpect an increase in romantic opportunities after Venus, yourpartnership planet, turns direct September 8.SAGITTARIUS: THE ARCHER (November 22 to December21)September’s love and life connections focus on friendship.Mercury’s positive planetary contacts from Libra, your solarEleventh House, September 5 – 26, signal fun- and laughterfilledevenings and days with pals and the potential to connectwith new people, including networking contacts. A newromantic interest could enter your life, thanks to a friend, afterlove-planet Venus turns direct September 8.CAPRICORN: THE GOAT (December 21 to January 19)Family and work relationships are your main love and life connectionsthis month. Some will test your patience and peopleskills, especially in early September, but others will satisfy anddelight you. Set aside extra time the week of the September26 Full Moon in Aries, your domestic sign, for family dinners,activities, and household projects.AQUARIUS: THE WATER BEARER (January 19 to February18)Mars in Gemini through September 28 energizes your sociallife, and relationships are generally more settled after Venusturns direct in Leo on September 8. However, events aroundSeptember 21 can cause you to question a friendship oranother relationship as Venus aligns with Neptune, and Marswith Pluto. What you discover may disappoint and disillusionyou, but you’ll also learn from it.PISCES: THE FISH (February 18 to March 20)Once past a few communications challenges, primarily workrelated,in early September, you can settle in and enjoy thepositive people contact accented by the Virgo Sun throughSeptember 21. Start to line up your fall social schedule atmonth’s end, when Mars enters Cancer, your solar Fifth Houseof pleasure.38 • September 2007

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