always_sunny-spec-script

IT'S ALWAYS SUNNY IN PHILADELPHIAEpisode #?"THE GANG SELLS THEIR UNDERWEAR"Written byZachary Elwood & Molly ElwoodZachary ElwoodPortland, OregonEmail: info@viaregiapublishing.com

INT. BAR - EVENINGThe bar is empty, except for THE GANG - DENNIS, MAC, DEE, andCHARLIE. They are, as usual, talking about something stupid.Charlie is eating a sandwich.MACI saw this kick-ass jacket I wantedto buy at the mall.SWEET DEEWhat do you need a jacket for?MACWhat? I want to look good.For who?CHARLIEMACAnyway. This jacket costs like$300.So?DENNISMACThat’s like highway robbery!DENNISYou have no idea what you’retalking about. That’s what jacketscost.SWEET DEEYeah. Try buying a dress.CHARLIEYou’ve got to go to the thriftstore. Only way to go. You get thatsame coat for 5 bucks.MACIt wasn’t a coat. It was a jacket.CHARLIEWhat’s the difference?DENNISMac, you don’t understand business.The higher the price you put onsomething the more people want it.It’s like caviar. Or high-classprostitutes.

4.CUT TO:INT. BAR - EVENINGMACWhat are we doing wrong?SWEET DEEMaybe it’s because we don’tadvertise?DENNISWe’ve never advertised.SWEET DEEMaybe we should start.DENNISMaybe we should start a happy hour.MACHappy hour would be sweet.DENNISYeah, we could do that.CHARLIE(with mouth full)Maybe we could get the ‘Paddy’s’sign fixed.The Gang is silent while Charlie seems oblivious to what thismeans.The sign?DENNISSWEET DEEOur sign’s off?DENNISYou knew about this?CHARLIEYeah, it’s been out for like aweek. I thought you guys knew.

5.DENNISHow would we know?SWEET DEEI swear to God, Charlie...MACYou’re supposed to tell us thesethings!CHARLIEWhat?! I’m not “marketing”!DENNISIt’s not marketing.SWEET DEEIt’s not marketing, Charlie; that’slike necessary to even having abusiness!Someone enters the bar. The Gang stands up, ready to puttheir best foot forward for their potential customer.STEVE BRICKER, a man in his early 30’s, and his Asiangirlfriend JULIE enter. Steve is a very nice guy, alwayscheerful; a guy everyone likes. Julie is very attractive.Both of them are dressed very well, Steve with a nice jacketand tie.STEVE(looking around)Oh, I thought you guys were closed.DENNISNo! We’re open! Come on in. We’reopen.Group crowds around them, welcoming them.STEVEDennis! And Dee! I was looking foryou guys. You remember me? It’sSteve!The Gang doesn’t recognize him.STEVE (CONT’D)You know, Steve Bricker. TheBrickster! From high school.The Gang recognizes him.

6.DENNISSteve, how’s it going?MACOh, Steve, how’ve you been.CHARLIEThe Brickster!STEVEHey, guys. Mac. Charlie.SWEET DEEWhat’s going on, Steve?STEVEOh, man, I just got back from Japanlast night. I am beat. Me and Julie- this is Julie - we were drivingby and I remembered you two ownedthis place. I didn’t think all youguys would still be here.DENNIS(embarrassed)Yeah, well...STEVEThat’s really cool.STEVESo, not too crowded tonight?MACOh, no, Friday nights are alwayslike this.DENNISYeah, this is pretty usual.SWEET DEEIt usually doesn’t heat up untilafter midnight.CHARLIEThen we’ve got people hanging fromthe rafters. It gets crazy.STEVEWell, that’s cool.

7.DENNISSo, you were in Japan, huh?STEVEYeah, quite a trip.CHARLIEAwesome. Were you like in Hong Kongor - ?SWEET DEE(embarrassed)What were you doing there?STEVEI had a conference. I’m inintellectual property rights.The Gang doesn’t know what this means.Oh!CHARLIEMACThat’s awesome.SWEET DEEWhat was Japan like?STEVEJapan was nice. Well, a littlestrange actually. There’s some bigtime freaks over there.Dennis looks at Julie awkwardly.DENNISYou don’t say.STEVEYeah. It’s crazy. You wouldn’tbelieve it. These guys look at pornmagazines on the subways. Justopenly. Successful businessmen justlooking at porn. And you guys willlove this: I saw two vendingmachines where you could buy usedpanties.MACWhat? Get out of here.

8.STEVENo kidding. Used women’s underwear.For like 50 bucks.CHARLIE(almost to himself)Awesome.STEVEAnyway, we should get going. I justwanted to invite you guys to aparty we’re having next week. Iwanted to get some of my people andsome old school buddies together,see how everybody’s doing.DENNISCool. Where is it?STEVEMy friend’s place.DENNISYou should have it here.The Gang looks at Dennis, thinking he’s crazy.STEVEReally? That would be cool. Are yousure?DENNISTrust me. It’ll be our pleasure.Drinks on us.STEVEThat would be awesome. We wereworried about not having enoughspace.DENNISNo problem.CUT TO:INT. BAR - LATERSWEET DEEDennis, are you crazy?

9.MACYeah, we don’t have any money for aparty.DENNISHave you people never heard ofnetworking? This is an investment.Do you know what kind of high-classclientele we could get in here withthis?MACYeah, but we have no money!DENNISWe’ll get some.CHARLIEMan, Steve is awesome.MACI love that guy.CHARLIEGoes over to China for business,he’s buying women’s underwear, he’sfinding a freaky broad to bringback, he’s throwing a party. Thisguy knows how to live.SWEET DEEWhat’d he say he was doing?Intellectual property? What isthat? Real estate?DENNIS(certain)Yeah, he’s a realtor. Japaneseproperties. He must be rolling inmoney.MAC(agreeable)We do need to be hanging with thisguy.DENNISThat’s what I’m saying.Frank comes into the bar, goes behind the bar while they’retalking. He’s drinking and just listening to thisconversation.

10.CHARLIEAnd how about that underwear? Usedpanties out of a vending machine. Iwouldn’t mind getting my handcaught in there, if you know whatI’m saying.SWEET DEENo, I’m not sure we do.CHARLIEMan, why can’t we have somethinglike that in America?MACYeah, those Japanese are geniusesat business. That’s why they ownall of our companies and banks.DENNISNo, they don’t.MACAnd they bought the Empire StateBuilding last year.DENNISYeah, I did hear that.CHARLIEWell, what about this underwearidea? If they’re selling in Japan,they could sell over here.FRANKWhat are you idiots talking about?MACFrank, the Japanese are sellingused panties to perverts. It’s ahuge business over there.CHARLIEYeah, they’re making millions offthese things!FRANKIs that so?CHARLIEWe should sell some!

11.DENNISIt’s actually not a bad idea. Wecould put them on the internet.MACBut where would we get them?They all slowly turn to look at Dee.SWEET DEEFirst of all: gross! Second of all:it’s the stupidest idea I’ve everheard.CHARLIEIt works in Japan.MACDee, come on, let us sell yourunderwear. Just a couple.No!SWEET DEEMACWhat’s the big deal? It’s not likeyou can’t make more.Make?SWEET DEECHARLIE50 bucks a pair. That’s not chickenfeed.DENNIS50? I bet we could charge 80 easy.We’ve got an untapped market overhere. We’ll give you half, Dee.Half?!SWEET DEEFrank walks out from behind the bar.Frank leaves.FRANKYou three are morons. Diendra, forGod’s sake, have some respect foryourself.

12.DENNISDee, are you gonna let him tell youhow to run your life?MACLet’s just try it. We’ll put acouple ads up.DENNISWe’ll gauge the demand.MACYeah, “gauge the demand”! That’sgood business!DENNISDee, take some pictures of yourpanties. We’ll get on the computer.Dee looks depressed, but she knows she is doing it.INT. BAR OFFICE - EVENINGDennis is in front of the computer. Mac and Charlie standbehind him looking at the screen.Sweet Dee walks in.DENNISOkay. Here goes. “I’m a skinnyblonde woman in my mid-thirties”CHARLIESkinny? That won’t work. Nobodywants skinny.DENNIS“I’m a voluptuous blonde woman inmy mid-thirties.”MACDee’s a skeleton. They’re gonna seeher underwear, remember?DENNIS“I’m an athletic woman in my midthirties.”CHARLIE“In my thirties”? Look, you’re notgetting it. Nobody wants Dee.

13.Hey!SWEET DEECHARLIEThey want a fantasy. You have topaint them a beautiful picture withyour words. A seductive poem, ifyou will.MACLike a porn!DENNISOkay, okay. I got it. “I’m anathletic blonde in my earlytwenties. I like poetry. And longwalks on the beach.MACIn my underpants!DENNISNo, we have to be sophisticated.“Long walks on the beach in my ...lingerie.”CHARLIEThat’s better.SWEET DEEThis is bullshit. I’m the woman. Ishould be writing this. You guysdon’t know what men want.Dennis looks at her skeptically.DENNISOh, really?(returning to writing)“I found myself when I was but ayoung girl upon the high schoolcheerleading squad.SWEET DEEUpon? You can’t even write.DENNISShut up, Dee. This is good.MACThis is turning me on. It must beworking.

14.DENNISDee, let’s see that underwear.Dee shows them a picture on her cellphone.CHARLIE(in disgust)What is this?MACWhat are you? 80? These are notsexy.SWEET DEEI wasn’t going out today. I didn’tthink anybody was going to seethem.CHARLIEWhat if you were in a car wreck?SWEET DEEWell, let me see. If I was in a carwreck I don’t think I’d be worriedabout my underwear.DENNIS(disappointed)No, this won’t do, Dee. This won’tdo at all.CHARLIEWe’ll get more, we’ll get more! Getback to writing!DENNIS“I’m now in college, studying tobe... a...”MACA secretary!A nurse!CHARLIEDENNIS(beat)A... geologist.CHARLIEOoh, yeah, that’s good.

15.MACHe’s right. That is hottest.Idiots.SWEET DEEDENNIS“I find myself having to sell mypanties to make ends meet.”CHARLIETo pay for my books.DENNISGood. “To pay for my school books.I don’t want to do it, but I amforced by my situation to sell mypanties on the open market to thehighest bidder. Won’t someoneplease come to my rescue?”MACAnd sometimes me and my roommateshave sex.DENNISPlease. This is classy.CHARLIEIt’s good. Send it! Send it!DENNISOkay. “Sincerely, Denise”.Denise?SWEET DEEA close-up of Dennis hitting ‘SEND’ key.FADE TO BLACK.TITLE: TWO MINUTES LATERFADE IN:INT. BAR OFFICE - EVENINGThe Gang are in the same spots around the computer.

16.DENNIS10 responses! This is going to behuge.CHARLIEThis guy says he’ll pay a hundreddollars!MACSee. I told you. The Japanese knowwhat they’re doing.SWEET DEEWhere are you going to get all theunderwear?MACWe buy more. You wear it. Bam!We’re getting paid.DENNISBut you’ve got to wear them.MACYeah, they need to have someflavor.DENNISYeah, you should wear them for atleast - what? An hour? I don’t knowhow long it takes. I’m not ascientist. Just let them soak awhile. You judge it.SWEET DEEI don’t see why any of you would begetting any money. It’s myunderwear. I’m doing all the work.DENNISI set this deal up, Dee. I’mbringing in the customers.SWEET DEEI’m getting 75%.DENNISNo, you get 30. I’m doing all thehard work here: managing,copywriting, advertising,distribution. Don’t be aprimadonna. You’re easilyreplaceable.

17.CHARLIEWhat about me? You couldn’t havewritten that without me. I’m yourmuse.Whatever.DENNISMACWhat if I bring in some?You?SWEET DEEDENNISSame deal for everybody. You bringme panties; you get 25% of thesales.CHARLIEI’ll get you panties.SWEET DEEYou’re lucky I’m so broke. Charlie,fix that god damned sign!INT/EXT. - UNDERWEAR MONTAGE - DAYSweet Dee is shopping for underwear, looking at price tags,then buying a pack of Hanes.Sweet Dee stepping into a gas station bathroom, removingunderwear, then putting them in a McDonalds bag.Sweet Dee at a bus stop, checking her watch, pushing herwaist band aside and glancing down.Sweet Dee stepping into a phone booth, trying to look casualwhile she removes her underwear.INT. CARMEN’S APARTMENT - DAYMac is in the hallway outside his trans-sexual girlfriendCarmen’s apartment. CARMEN comes to the door.Hey.Hey.CARMENMAC

18.Mac enters.CARMENHaven’t seen you in a while.MACYeah, I’ve been so busy, so busy.The bar and everything. Justexhausted. You know how it is. CanI come in?CARMENYeah, I guess so. It’s good to seeyou.MACIt’s good to see you, too. Reallygood. What are you up to?CARMENI was just getting ready to go tothe doctor.MACThe doctor? You sick or-?CARMENNo. Just a test. For the operation.You know...Carmen gestures down at her crotch.MAC(embarrasssed)Oh! Yeah. Really? That’s cool.That’s something you’ve got tocheck on. Want to do that the rightway.CARMENYeah. Well, if you want to hangout... I’ll just be an hour.MACThat’s perfect! I mean - okay.CARMENOkay. See you in a bit.Carmen leaves. Mac goes into the bedroom. He goes to thedresser and opens it half-way, then shakes his head ‘no’. Hegoes to the hamper, pulls out some underwear and lookstriumphant. He holds it to his face and inhales.

19.MACGenuine article.CUT TO:INT. CHARLIE’S APARTMENT - DAYCharlie is watching a buzzing fly, seemingly zoned out.CUT TO:INT. BAR - DAYThe Gang is seated around a new oblong conference table inthe back of the bar. Dennis is wearing some nice businessclothes with a new jacket that resembles the one Steve waswearing. He sits at the head of the table.DENNISOkay, order, order. This meeting isadjourned. What have you people gotfor me?SWEET DEEI’ve got these.She hands him the McDonalds bag.DENNISWell, first of all - F forpresentation. Now for the tastetest.Dennis prepares to smell the bag.SWEET DEEThat’s disgusting! Don’t do that!DENNISQuality control, Dee. We’re runninga real business here.CHARLIEDee’s right. That’s gross, Dennis.It’s your own sister.Yeah.MACCHARLIEI’ll do it.

20.SWEET DEE(not happy)Great.Charlie takes a whiff out of the bag. Everyone waits.CHARLIEWell. It doesn’t quite smell likeyou, Dee.The Gang looks at Charlie suspiciously.CHARLIE (CONT’D)It smells more like...(taking another sniff)Chicken McNuggets.DENNISMoving on. Mac, what have you gotfor us?MACThe genuine article.Mac hands a plastic bag to Charlie, who opens it and takes abig whiff.CHARLIE(coughing)Smells like balls.DENNISWhere did you get those? You didn’tget them from - HER?No way.SWEET DEEMACSweat is sweat. What’s thedifference? Like any of theseperverts have even smelled a womanbefore.DENNISMac, that is disgusting.MACShut up. Just shut up.Mac grabs the bag back and clutches it to his chest.

21.DENNISOkay. Charlie?Yeah?CHARLIEDENNISWhat have you got?CHARLIEI’ve got nothing. Yet.DENNISWell, this is great. I’ve got 23customers lined up. What am I gonnatell them: I’ve got nothing yet?Nothing yet?! You’ve all failed.You’ve failed the business. You’vefailed yourselves.SWEET DEEUm. I think you’re taking this alittle too serious.DENNISI guess I’ll have to do it myself.SWEET DEEYou’re going to sell women’spanties?DENNISI can’t rely on you people. We’vegot this party in a couple days andI’m broke. I am not going out likethat in front of Steve and hisfriends.SWEET DEEGood luck with that.MACI’m gonna sell these pantiesmyself. To hell with you guys.SWEET DEEGood luck with that.CHARLIEGive me one more day.

22.DENNISNo, you people are on your own.SWEET DEECharlie, could you fix thegoddamned sign, for Christ’s sake?CHARLIEOkay. Okay.Everyone gets up and leaves.FADE OUT.INT. BAR - AFTERNOONDennis enters the bar, wearing a different tie and the nicebusiness jacket. Frank is sitting with a bunch of Asian andHispanic WOMEN, pouring them all half-full glasses of beer.The girls are all silent and nervous.FRANKOkay, you’ve all had a long day. Ithink it’s important that when theclosing bells comes, everybody canrelax and enjoy life. Drink up,ladies!The girls take hesitant sips. Frank sees Dennis.FRANK (CONT'D)Okay, sorry, bar’s opening.Closing. It’s closing for you.Everybody out!The girls get up and file out, not getting a chance to drinktheir beers. Mac enters, carrying his plastic bag, and he andDennis stare at the women leaving.DENNISFrank, what the hell is going on inhere?FRANKNothing. Nothing. They’re just someassociates.MACAssociates from what?

23.FRANKI don’t go poking around in yourbusiness! You don’t go pokingaround in mine!DENNISOkay, chill, chill.MACCan we just be professional here?I’ve got a “client” meeting me herevery soon.DENNISWhat kind of client?MACA business client. Not that it’sany of your business.A man enters the bar. This is PERVERT #1.DENNISCan I help you?PERVERTI’m looking for Wanda?DENNISI’m sorry. There’s no one -MACHold on, hold on. I’ve got this.(to Pervert)Wanda’s not here right now, sir.She just stepped out. But she toldme to give you this.She did?PERVERTMACYeah, she said you’d have somemoney for me or something?PERVERTShe told me she’d meet me.The Pervert takes the bag from Mac.MACOh, well. No big deal, right?

24.The Pervert takes bag uncertainly and opens it and smells it.Frank and Dennis watch this.Well?MAC (CONT'D)PERVERTThis smells like balls.Mac takes the bag back quickly, angry.MACFine. Just get out of here.Pervert.Frank comes from the back of the bar towards the man.FRANKSir, let me escort you out. Sorryabout these two. I have toapologize for them, they don’t knowhow to treat customers...Frank leaves with the Pervert out the front door.DENNISYou had him come to the bar? Youidiot. What is wrong with you?MACIt almost worked.DENNISMac, do you even have a businessplan?A what?MACDennis pulls out a wad of money, shaking his head at Mac.DENNISYou see this?MACWhere’d you get that?DENNISWhere do you think?Denise?MAC

25.Exactly.But how?DENNISMACDENNISI’ll show you.CUT TO:INT. BAR OFFICE - AFTERNOONDennis is showing Mac his “operations”. There are panties andboxes strewn across the floor.MACThis is some operation.DENNISYeah, I know. As you can see, Ineed some help with packaging.MACI can do that.DENNIS$10 an hour.MACReally? Wow, you must be doingwell.Dennis holds up a pair of lacy panties.DENNISAs you can see, here are thepanties. Sexy but simple. I buythem in bulk.Okay.MACDENNISThen we put them in these nice,velvet-lined jewelry cases.Whoah.MACDENNISIt’s all about presentation.

26.MACOkay. But how do you get them - youknow - smelly?DENNISThe secret ingredient.Dennis pulls out a small vial of liquid.DENNIS (CONT’D)Do you know what this is?MACVanilla extract?Dennis takes the cap off and waves the vial under Mac’s nose.DENNISWhat does that smell like?MACI don’t know.DENNISWell, that’s part of your problem.This, my friend, is bottled vaginalscent. It’s called Vulva. It’s fromGermany.MACWhere’d you get it?DENNISOn the internet. Very expensive:it’s why my costs are so high. Butit’s worth it. One drop of thisstuff will drive a man wild.Dennis waves it under Mac’s nose again. No reaction.CUT TO:EXT. STREET CORNER - DAYCharlie is on the street, wearing a trench coat. We see himsaying the next few lines in different cuts to an array ofpeople passing by.CHARLIEHey, you. You like women? You likepanties? You like women’s lingerie?(MORE)

27.CHARLIE (CONT'D)You want to chase the cottondragon? Get your women’s underwearright here. Get em while they’rehot! Extra, Extra: sniff all about‘em! You don’t know what you’remissing, ma’am. 100% genuinearticle right here. Made by women,worn by women. Ride the devil’spantaloons! Get your picka theknickers!Sweet Dee is walking up to Charlie, unnoticed.CHARLIE (CONT’D)Get yourself a snooter full ofcooch!SWEET DEEWhat? Snooter full of...? What areyou doing?Charlie is manic, he grabs her arm and takes her into thealleyway.CHARLIEShhh, shhh! I’ve got a bunch ofgreat product. I tried to tellDennis but he wouldn’t listen-SWEET DEEGet a hold of yourself.CHARLIELook at all of this. This is grade-A organic, straight from the farm.Charlie opens his trench coat to reveal a bunch of underpantssticking out from his pockets. He takes a pair out and sniffsthem.SWEET DEEPut that away. Where’d you get allthis?CHARLIEI’ll show you.CUT TO:INT. CHARLIE’S APARTMENT - DAYCharlie and Dee enter his apartment. There are panties strewnall over the table, chairs, and couch.

28.My god.SWEET DEECHARLIEI know, right?SWEET DEECan you open a window?CHARLIENobody wants to buy from me. I’vegot the best shit on the market,but I can’t unload it.Charlie picks up another pair and sniffs them.SWEET DEEStop doing that. Where’d you getthem?CHARLIEI found this flyer.Charlie picks up a flyer and shows it to Dee.SWEET DEEThe panty baron?CHARLIEThey’re selling them for 20 bucks apair. I got a loan from Frank tobuy all these. And I copied andpasted Dennis’s ads into thecomputer internet thingy and I’mgetting calls from everybody. Someguy said he’d pay 500 bucks if theycan buy them from a woman.SWEET DEE(thinking)500 bucks? Really?INT. BAR - EVENINGDennis is dressed up, ready for the party. There are CATERERSsetting up decorations and food. There is a Japanese/Asiantheme to the party, with rice-paper lanterns, etc., and someJapanese music playing. Mac is not dressed up.

29.MACAbout these shipments. It took melike 45 minutes to package allthose panties.DENNISYeah, so what?MACWell, when you prorated it, it wasonly 8 dollars. It doesn’t seemfair.DENNISWe’re not renegotiating right now.We’ve got to get ready for thisparty.Mac looks at a tray of sushi some caterers are carrying.MACWhat’s that?DENNISUh, sushi?Oh.MACDENNISSteve and his Japanese friends aregonna love this.Frank opens the basement door and comes in from the back ofthe room.FRANKWhat are you two doing here?DENNISWe’re having a party tonight. Whatare you doing here?MACWhat’s that smell?FRANK(nervous)I’m having a meeting. With someassociates.MACDennis, I think this sushi is bad.

30.DENNISShut up. I paid a shitload forthat.A voice comes from offscreen. It is PERVERT #2.PERVERT #2Excuse me.They turn and see him.PERVERT #2 (CONT’D)I’m looking for Wanda.DENNISNo, there’s no Wanda here. We’reclosed.Frank escorts the Pervert out. As he does, he pulls out aflyer and hands it to the guy as he escorts him out.FRANKI’ll show you out, sir.Dennis turns to Mac, angry.Frank returns.DENNISWanda again? Are you still sellingthose things?MACNo. I just don’t know how to takethat stupid ad off the internet.DENNISThis is not good. Where did youpost it?MACI don’t remember. A bunch ofplaces.DENNISThat’s why you’re only making tenbucks an hour.FRANKListen, you jackasses. I don’t wantyour people sniffing around myoperations.

31.What?DENNISFRANKYou want to see how you run a realbusiness? And not this two-bitamateur thing you’ve got going?DENNISWhat are you talking about?There’s the sound of a loud buzzer going off.DENNISWhat the hell was that?FRANKIt’s changing time.Frank rushes manically to the basement. Dennis and Macfollow.SWITCH!!!FRANK (CONT’D)Dennis and Mac are coming down the basement stairs.DENNISWhat’s that smell? It reeks downhere.FRANKThat, my friends, is the smell ofmoney.Downstairs, the basement has been converted to a sweatshop.There are the Asian and Hispanic Women from the earlierscene: some are peddling on stationary bicycles, peddlingfurious, wearing lingerie and panties and bras. Some arecoming in and out of a make-shift changing room in thecorner.DENNISJesus christ.FRANKWelcome to the production floor ofPanty Baron, Incorporated, thelargest used-panty retailer on theEast Coast.Wow.MAC

32.Girls are drinking water around a water cooler in theirunderwear.FRANKGirls, come on! Get back on thosebikes. It only takes 30 seconds tochange!(to guys)We timed it. We’ve got everythingdown to a science here.The girls bow their heads and rush back to the bikes.DENNISI can’t believe this.FRANKPretty impressive, huh?DENNISNo. It’s horrible. What aboutquality control? Some of thesewomen look tired. And that onelooks sick. What about hygiene?FRANKOh, come on.DENNISAre these undocumented workers?FRANKOf course they are. You think I’man idiot?DENNISI don’t know. This all seems verysuspect.We see an old VIETNAMESE MAN stuffing panties in envelopes inthe corner.DENNISAnd that guy - he’s just sendingthem out like that? What aboutpresentation?

33.FRANKLet me tell you something - it’sall about quantity, Dennis.Quantity!CUT TO:EXT. STREET - AFTERNOONSweet Dee gets out of a STRANGER’s car. She is wearing abaseball cap pulled low over her face and is embarrassed.STRANGER(friendly)Thanks!CUT TO:INT. CHARLIE’S APARTMENT - AFTERNOONCharlie is sitting at his table. He has a small pile ofpanties in front of him, in the style of Scarface. He’slining them up in front of him, looking a bit crazy. Deeenters.CHARLIE(irritated)What is it?SWEET DEEWhat are you doing?Nothing.CHARLIESWEET DEEWell, I just sold out.Dee puts a big wad of cash on the table. Charlie grabs it andspreads it all out on the table, beside the underpants. He’ssuper manic.CHARLIEYeah!!! This is what I’m talkingabout. Here, baby, buy yourselfsomething nice.SWEET DEENo. I get 90%, remember?

34.CHARLIEYeah, sure, sure. Whatever.SWEET DEEI’ve got buyers. What do you havefor me? These?Dee reaches for the underpants on Charlie’s table. He grabsthem away from her.CHARLIENo! No! No! We’ll get more. Theseare mine.SWEET DEEYou know, Charlie, you reallyshouldn’t use your own product.First rule.CHARLIEMind your own business, whore.SWEET DEEGet a hold of yourself.CHARLIEI’m calling the Panty Baron. He’llget us more.Charlie picks up the phone and dials.CUT TO:INT. BAR BASEMENT - AFTERNOONThe phone rings in the basement. The Vietnamese man answers.VIETNAMESE MANYes, yes. Prease. Thank you verymuch.He hangs up the phone.VIETNAMESE MAN (CONT’D)We get order for fifty more! Rocalderivery!FRANKAgain? These things are sellinglike hot cakes. All right, ladies!It’s overtime! Crank it up a notch!

35.Shots of women peddling faster.DENNISFrank, we’ve got a party in anhour. You need to get these girlsout of here.FRANKI own this bar! This is myoperation!DENNISOkay. Just sneak them out quietlylater. Please?FRANKYeah, okay.The really loud buzzer goes off.SWITCH!!!FRANK (CONT’D)FADE TO:INT. BAR OFFICE - EVENINGMac and Dennis are putting away the boxes of panties that arein the office. Mac starts picking up the boxes labelled‘Vulva’.DENNISHold on! I’ll move that. Thatstuff’s worth more than your life.Dennis grabs the box from Mac quickly, spilling some onhimself.DENNIS (CONT'D)What’d you do? I’ve got it all overme!MACI was just about to put the topson.Dennis grabs a towel, trying to dry himself off.DENNISGreat. I smell like a pussy.CUT TO:

36.INT. BAR - CONTINUOUSDee and Charlie arrive, dressed up, looking around. Mac andDennis come out from the back. Dennis is still blottinghimself with the towel. Everyone is dressed nicely, exceptfor Mac, who’s still poor. Dennis and Mac face Dee andCharlie, each side eyeing the other standoffishly.DENNISLooks like business has been goodfor you two.CHARLIE(coolly)You could say that.MAC(miffed)Huh - you guys look pretty nice. Ibought this tie - that’s all Icould get at the last second.Mac puts on a clip-on tie.DENNISShut up. Nobody cares.Steve enters with Julie and some friends. They are allcasually dressed.STEVEYou guys went all out! What’s withthe Asian theme?DENNISWe were thinking, you know, withyour real estate deals in Japan andyour business friends, and -Dennis gestures toward Julie.STEVEOh, you remember my girlfriend.SWEET DEE(bowing, slowly)Yes, Joo Lee.JULIE(no accent)It’s Julie. Looks great in here,guys!

37.The Gang looks perplexed by her not having an accent.FRIEND #1What’s that smell?DENNISHuh? What? I don’t smell anything.Let’s get some drinks going!FRIEND #2Must be the sushi.MACNo, that’s top-notch sushi. Itwouldn’t smell... like that.CUT TO:LATER - BARThere are more people. Everyone is talking and mingling.Sweet Dee is talking to a guy. Dennis is talking with severalguys. Things seem to be going well.Charlie and Mac are standing together.MACThis is crazy. I haven’t seen thesepeople in years.CHARLIEI know. Crazy. There’s Jimmy. AndMolly. And Christian.MACThis is like high school.CHARLIEExcept people are talking to us.MACPeople talked to me.Dennis is surrounded by several men.GUY #1This is a great bar. I don’t knowwhy we’ve never been in here.DENNISYeah, well, the bar is just a sidegig.I’m actually a businessman.

38.GUY #2Oh, really? What kind of business?DENNISOh, a little of this, a little ofthat. Some intellectual realestate. I just got a new shipmentof my business cards.Dennis hands the cards out.GUY #3This just has your name on it.DENNISYeah, I don’t like to tie myselfdown. I’ve got a lot of ventures.Lot of stuff in the fire. You knowhow it is.GUY #2I can dig that. It’s the same waywith my business. We should hangout some time and talk shop.DENNISOh, definitely. Definitely.Guy #3 leans close to Dennis and smells his neck.GUY #3By the way, what is that scentyou’re wearing?DENNISHuh? Oh, it’s nothing. I think it’smy laundry detergent? I don’t know.Guy #2 leans in close, smelling Dennis.GUY #2I’m not coming on to you, butthat’s incredible.GUY #1Yeah. Intoxicating.Dennis looks uncomfortable, surrounded by men smelling him.CUT TO:

39.LATER - BARCharlie comes out of the bathroom, looking guilty but highenergy.He walks up to Dee and several party-goers.CHARLIEGreat party!Dee gestures at her nose, miming wiping away something.CHARLIE (CONT'D)What? What?DEE(whispering)You’ve got some cotton under yournose.What? Oh.CHARLIEHe wipes it away. Dee shakes her head, worried.The loud buzzer sounds. People look around and the party getsquiet. Dennis looks nervous. Frank comes up from thebasement, followed by a bunch of red-faced and sweaty women.The girls mingle with the party, which starts back up again.Dennis goes to to Frank.Frank shrugs.DENNISFrank, get these girls out of here.FRANKLet ‘em live a little. They workedhard today. Besides, the money’sgoing right back into the business,right? Hah!DENNISThis is a party. The drinks arefree.CUT TO:CONTINUOUS - BARPERVERT #3 enters the party. He approaches a random PARTY-GOER.

40.PERVERT #3I’m looking for Wanda.The Party-goer shrugs.The Pervert #3 wanders over to the bar, where a SWEATSHOPGIRL is sitting on a barstool, looking uncomfortable.PERVERT #3Are you Wanda? I’m looking forWanda. She was supposed to haveunderwear for me.SWEATSHOP GIRLFrank take all underwear. I no wearunderwear.PERVERT #3(confused but excited)Oh! I see.CUT TO:CONTINUOUS - BARJulie is standing by the bar, drinking alone. Frank comes upto her, thinking she is one of his girls. He slaps her on theass.FRANKGood job today!Julie screams. Frank realizes his mistake.FRANK (CONT’D)Sorry. Thought you were someoneelse.CUT TO:LATER - BARThe Gang is standing together.SWEET DEEGreat party, Dennis.CHARLIEYeah, this was a good idea.

41.Mac looks upset.DENNISI know, right? And you guys doubtedme. This was great for networking.SWEET DEEYeah, I got asked out twicetonight. By normal guys.DENNISThis could be a real turning pointin our lives.MACWhat turning point? I’m not gettinga turning point!CHARLIELook at us. We’re adults. We’vegot... money and stuff.DENNISAnd the respect of our peers.CHARLIEI think we can all set our businessdifferences aside, don’t you think?DENNISYes. Looks like we’ve all beensuccessful in our own way. Youcan’t knock success.SWEET DEEThat’s the thing I don’t get,Dennis. Where are you getting yourpanties from? I know you’re notselling Mac’s dick panties.CHARLIEYeah, Dennis. How’d you do it?DENNISWell, I’ll show you a littlesecret. Smell me.Huh?CHARLIECharlie and Dee lean in and smell him.

42.CHARLIEWhere’d you get that? That’s -amazing.Dennis takes out a vial of Vulva.DENNISMy secret weapon. One drop of thison a pair of panties, and the mosthard-core sniffer in the worldwon’t know the difference. Withoutthis, I’d be nothing.SWEET DEECompletely fake. I knew it.A voice speaks up, off-screenPERVERT #3 (O.S.)It’s fake?The Gang turns to see Pervert #3 standing right beside them.PERVERT #3 (CONT’D)I knew there was no Wanda! I’mgoing to tell everybody!DENNISSir, please, I think we can resolvethis quietly.PERVERT #3Quietly, my ass!DENNISI don’t think you want peopleknowing you’re a panty-sniffingpervert.PERVERT #3(shouting)These people are selling fake usedpanties!The party stops and everyone turns to listen.PERVERT #3 (CONT’D)I came here to buy underwear fromWanda, and I find out this guy isWanda! He’s got some fake vaginasmell he sprinkles everywhere.

43.GUY #2That smell.The Gang backs away from Dennis.Gross!SWEET DEEDENNIS(nervously, to crowd)You’re going to believe this guy?He’s obviously crazy.PERVERT #3He’s got it in his hand!DENNISWhat? This? This is perfume.Pervert #3 grabs it from his hand.PERVERT #3Oh, yeah? Why’s it called ‘Vulva’?The crowd gasps. Mac and Dee and Charlie look judgmentally atDennis, shaking their heads.Eww.MACDENNISShut up, Mac. This is all hisfault. This is Wanda! At least Iwasn’t trying to sell panties wornby a man.MACShe’s mostly woman! Why do you guyskeep saying that?The crowd gasps again. Frank steps in.FRANKLet me handle this.(to Pervert)Sir, let me escort you out. I’msure we can reach a solution toyour problem.Frank has his flyer in his hand. Charlie recognizes theflyer.

44.Crowd gasps again.CHARLIEThe Panty Baron! Frank, you’re thepanty baron?DENNISYeah, he’s the Panty Baron.FRANKShut up, Dennis, you little -DENNISHe’s got this whole set-up in thebasement.DENNIS (CONT’D)A panty sweatshop. Literally.SWEET DEEDad, that’s disgusting.FRANKThat means a lot coming from you,Dee! Don’t think I don’t know whatyou’ve been doing with Charlie.Selling panties on the street tostrange men. Not that I’msurprised.DENNISNo self respect.Steve and his friends start to leave.DENNIS (CONT’D)Hey, Steve, where are you going?STEVEWe’re gonna take off, Dennis. Thisis all too - it’s just a littleweird.DENNISWait! We can fix this.GUY #2Businessman, my ass!Guy #2 throws Dennis’s business card in his face.

45.DENNISGuys, wait. Jimmy! Christian! JuLee! There’s still a lot of sushileft.Gross.JULIEEveryone is filing out. The Pervert stares at The Gang withan expression of solemn judgement.PERVERT #3You people make me sick. You shouldbe ashamed of yourselves.The Pervert leaves (still holding the Vulva vial). Japanesemusic plays. The Gang stands alone, all looking ashamed andnot able to look each other in the eyes.FADE TO BLACK.END OF EPISODE