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“This fascinating investigation into what makesabusive men tick is alarming, but its candidhandling of a difficult subject makes it a valuableresource for professionals and victims alike….Jargon-free analysis is frequently broken up byinteresting first-person accounts and boxes thatdistill in-depth information into simple checklists.Bancroft’s book promises to be a beacon of calmfor many storm-tossed families.”—Publishers Weekly (starred review)“Most books about abuse in relationships focus onwomen—how they’re hurt, why they stay. Asimportant as these questions are, they can alsodistract us from the heart of the problem. Bancroftboldly asks—and brilliantly answers—the mostimportant questions of all: Why do so many menabuse women? What can be done about it? Thisbook is desperately needed and long overdue.”

—Jackson Katz, creator of the award-winningvideoTough Guise: Violence, Media and the Crisis inMasculinity“Bancroft, a former codirector of Emerge, the firstU.S. program for abusive men, and a fifteen-yearveteran of work with abusive men, remindsreaders that each year in this country, two to fourmillion women are assaulted by their partners andthat at least one out of three American women willbe a victim of violence by a husband or boyfriendat some point in her life. His valuable resourcecovers early warning signs, ten abusivepersonality types, the abusive mentality, problemswith getting help from the legal system, and thelong, complex process of change.…This isessential reading for those in the helpingprofessions and highly recommended.”

—Library Journal (starred review)“At last—the straight scoop on men who abusewomen. This is a book not just for abused womenand domestic violence professionals, but foreveryone who wonders why there’s so muchviolence in America. Read it.”—Anne Jones, author of When Love Goes Wrongand Next Time She’ll Be Dead“Bancroft helps women who feel trapped inunhealthy relationships make sense out of what ishappening.”—Sarah Buel, J.D., codirector, Domestic ViolenceClinic, and lecturer, University of Texas LawSchool“A compelling read about a tough topic. What you

ead here will come back to you long after you putthe book down.”—Angela Browne, author of When BatteredWomen Kill“An informative and necessary read.”—Susan Weitzman, Ph.D., author of Not toPeople Like Us: Hidden Abuse in UpscaleMarriages

INSIDE THE MINDS OF ANGRY ANDCONTROLLING MEN

Why Does He Do That?Lundy BancroftBERKLEY BOOKSNew York

THE BERKLEY PUBLISHING GROUPPublished by the Penguin GroupPenguin Group (USA) Inc.375 Hudson Street, New York, New York10014, USAPenguin Group (Canada), 90 Eglinton AvenueEast, Suite 700, Toronto, Ontario, M4P 2Y3Canada (a division of Pearson Penguin CanadaInc.)Penguin Books Ltd., 80 Strand, London WC2R0RL, EnglandPenguin Group Ireland, 25 St. Stephen’s Green,Dublin 2, Ireland (a division of Penguin BooksLtd.)Penguin Group (Australia), 250 CamberwellRoad, Camberwell, Victoria 3124, Australia

(a division of Pearson Australia Group Pty. Ltd.)Penguin Books India Pvt. Ltd., 11 CommunityCentre, Panchsheel Park, New Delhi—110 017,IndiaPenguin Group (NZ), Cnr. Airborne and RosedaleRoads, Albany, Auckland 1310,New Zealand (a division of Pearson New ZealandLtd.)Penguin Books (South Africa) (Pty.) Ltd., 24Sturdee Avenue, Rosebank, Johannesburg 2196,South AfricaPenguin Books Ltd., Registered Offices: 80Strand, London WC2R 0RL, EnglandCopyright © Lundy Bancroft by Lundy BancroftCover design © Lundy Bancroft by Tom

To the thousands of courageous women,many of them survivors of abuse themselves,who have created and sustained the movementagainst the abuse of women, and to the manymen who have joined this struggle as allies.

ContentsACKNOWLEDGMENTSNOTE ON TERMINOLOGYINTRODUCTIONPART IThe Nature of Abusive Thinking1. THE MYSTERY2. THE MYTHOLOGY3. THE ABUSIVE MENTALITY4. THE TYPES OF ABUSIVE MENPART II

The Abusive Man in Relationships5. HOW ABUSE BEGINS6. THE ABUSIVE MAN IN EVERYDAYLIFE7. ABUSIVE MEN AND SEX8. ABUSIVE MEN AND ADDICTION9. THE ABUSIVE MAN AND BREAKINGUPPART IIIThe Abusive Man in the World10. ABUSIVE MEN AS PARENTS11. ABUSIVE MEN AND THEIR ALLIES

12. THE ABUSIVE MAN AND THE LEGALSYSTEMPART IVChanging the Abusive Man13. THE MAKING OF AN ABUSIVE MAN14. THE PROCESS OF CHANGE15. CREATING AN ABUSE-FREE WORLDRESOURCESINDEX

AcknowledgmentsI HAVE HAD MANY, many teachers along mypath to understanding the mentality and behaviorof abusive men. Before I can name names,however, I need to thank above all the hundreds offemale partners and ex-partners of my clients whohave shared their stories with me and who havethereby shed light on the denial and distortionsrunning through my clients’ accounts of events.The survivors of abuse have been my greatesteducators; if we could hear their voices muchmore, and the voices of the abusers and their alliesmuch less, the world would move rapidly toeliminate the chronic mistreatment that so manywomen currently face in their intimaterelationships.My early colleagues at Emerge have a uniqueresponsibility for setting me on the course that has

ought me here: David Adams, Susan Cayouette,Ted German, Magueye Seck, Chuck Turner,Charlene Allen, and Jim Ptacek. In addition tobeing such a pleasure to work with, this groupprovided me with indispensable intellectualsupport and stimulation; I hope I was able toreturn some reasonable part of what they offeredme.Equally important to the growth of myunderstanding of abusive men, and of their impacton their partners and children, was Carole Sousa,who simultaneously educated us at Emerge andkept us honest. Her criticisms of our blind spotswere often annoying, mostly because of how rightthey were. No single person has contributed moreto the understandings that I am now sharing. Ineed further to thank Carole for generouslyreviewing the manuscript for this book andmarking her comments (important ones, as usual)with dozens of sticky tabs. Her suggestions havestrengthened this book in critical ways.

Other important influences on my insight intocontrolling and angry men and the destructive trailthey leave behind them include Lonna Davis, PamWhitney, Isa Woldeguiorguis, Susan Schechter,Sarah Buel, Jim Hardeman, Janet Fender, andBrenda Lopez. I would also like to express myappreciation to Jeff Edleson, Claire Renzetti,Jackson Katz, Peter Jaffe, Barbara Hart, BonnieZimmer, Elaine Alpert, Joan Zorza, JenniferJuhler, Stephanie Eisenstat, Range Hutson, ScottHarshbarger, and Maureen Sheeran for theircontributions to my learning about abuse andoppression and for their professional support andencouragement. Kate O’Kane contributed byproviding me with a beautiful and relaxing placeto write during the day.I also need to acknowledge how much I havelearned from my clients themselves over the years,but it would not be appropriate for me to thankthem, since without their abuse of women thewriting of this book would be unnecessary.

I am grateful to Gillian Andrews, CarlenePavlos, Jay Silverman, Steve Holmes, CatherineBenedict, Gail Dines, Carrie Cuthbert, and KimSlote for their combination of personal supportand intellectual/professional stimulation andassistance over the years. Gillian and Gail inparticular have both kept after me for years towrite this book, and it is largely due to theircontinued prodding that it is finally here; Gillianalso provided invaluable comments andsuggestions on the manuscript. My family, too,has been loving and supportive (and tolerant)during the time-consuming and sometimesstressful writing process; I love you and thank youmore than I can say for carrying me along.I owe tremendous gratitude to my agent, WendySherman, who not only found a home for this bookbut also played a major role in forming theoriginal concept and guiding its direction. Awriter could not be in better hands. Myappreciation also goes to Deb Futter at Doubleday,

who led me to Wendy. My editor at Putnam,Jeremy Katz, has had unshakable faith in thisproject from the beginning and has helped methrough several moments of anxiety or hesitation.It fell to Jeremy to let my wagonloads of textdump down upon him so that he could stir it allaround and figure out how to shape it into apresentable whole. I also wish to expressappreciation to other people at Putnam whosupported and worked on this book, includingAnnMarie Harris, Denise Silvestro, MarilynDucksworth, and Brenda Goldberg.Finally, I want to express my deep gratitude tothree people who don’t know me but whose workhas inspired and sustained me for years: BruceCockburn, Mercedes Sosa, and Linda Hogan.Perhaps our paths will yet cross.Winter 2002Lundy Bancroft

Note on TerminologyIN REFERRING TO angry and controlling men inthis book, I have chosen to use in most cases theshorter terms abusive man and abuser. I haveused these terms for readability and not because Ibelieve that every man who has problems withangry or controlling behaviors is abusive. I neededto select a simple word I could apply to any manwho has recurring problems with disrespecting,controlling, insulting, or devaluing his partner,whether or not his behavior also involves moreexplicit verbal abuse, physical aggression, orsexual mistreatment. Any of these behaviors canhave a serious impact on a woman’s life and canlead her to feel confused, depressed, anxious, orafraid. So even if your partner is not an abuser,you will find that much of what is described in thepages ahead can help to clarify for both of you the

problems in your relationship and what steps youcan take to head in a more satisfying, supportive,and intimate direction. If you are not sure whetheryour partner’s behavior should be called abuse ornot, turn to Chapter 5, which will help you sort outthe distinctions.At the same time, remember that even if yourpartner’s behavior doesn’t fit the definition ofabuse, it may still have a serious effect on you.Any coercion or disrespect by a relationshippartner is an important problem. Controlling menfall on a spectrum of behaviors, from those whoexhibit only a few of the tactics I describe in thisbook to those who use almost all of them.Similarly, these men run a gamut in theirattitudes, from those who are willing to acceptconfrontation about their behaviors and strive tochange them, to those who won’t listen to thewoman’s perspective at all, feel completelyjustified, and become highly retaliatory if sheattempts to stand up for herself. (In fact, as we see

in Chapter 5, one of the best ways to tell how deepa man’s control problem goes is by seeing how hereacts when you start demanding that he treat youbetter. If he accepts your grievances and actuallytakes steps to change what he does, the prospectsfor the future brighten somewhat.) The level ofanger exhibited by a controlling man also showswide variation, but unfortunately it doesn’t tell usmuch in itself about how psychologicallydestructive he may be or how likely he is tochange, as we will see.In addition, I have chosen to use the terms he torefer to the abusive person and she to the abusedpartner. I selected these terms for convenience andbecause they correctly describe the great majorityof relationships in which power is being abused.However, control and abuse are also a widespreadproblem in lesbian and gay male relationships,and the bulk of what I describe in this book isrelevant to same-sex abusers.

Why Does He Do That?

IntroductionI HAVE BEEN WORKING WITH angry andcontrolling men for fifteen years as a counselor,evaluator, and investigator, and have accumulateda wealth of knowledge from the two thousand ormore cases with which I have been involved. Ihave learned the warning signs of abuse andcontrol that a woman can watch out for early in arelationship. I’ve come to know what a controllingman is really saying, the meaning that is hiddenbehind his words. I’ve seen clues to recognizingwhen verbal and emotional aggression are headingtoward violence. I’ve found ways to separate outabusive men who are faking change from thosewho are doing some genuine work on themselves.And I have learned that the problem ofabusiveness has surprisingly little to do with howa man feels—my clients actually differ very little

from nonabusive men in their emotionalexperiences—and everything to do with how hethinks. The answers are inside his mind.However, as delighted as I am to have had theopportunity to gain this insight, I am not one ofthe people who most needs it. The people who canbest benefit from knowledge about abusers andhow they think are women, who can use what Ihave learned to help themselves recognize whenthey are being controlled or devalued in arelationship, to find ways to get free of abuse if itis happening, and to know how to avoid gettinginvolved with an abusive man—or a controller ora user—next time. The purpose of this book is toequip women with the ability to protectthemselves, physically and psychologically, fromangry and controlling men.To prepare for writing this book, I firstgenerated a list of the twenty-one questions thatwomen most often ask me about their abusivepartners, questions such as:

“Is he really sorry?”“Why do so many of our friends side withhim?”“Is he going to hit me some day?”and many others. I then built my explanationsaround these concerns, to make sure that womenwould be able to look here to find the informationthey urgently need. You will find these twenty-onequestions highlighted as you go through this book;you might want to flip through the pages for amoment now just to grab a quick glimpse ofwhere I have addressed the issues that are mostpressing for you.Another central goal of mine is to offerassistance to each woman who is struggling withhow she is being treated in a relationship,regardless of what label she may put on herpartner’s behavior. Words like control and abusecan be loaded ones, and you may not feel that they

fit your particular circumstances. I have chosen touse the term abusers to refer to men who use awide range of controlling, devaluing, orintimidating behaviors. In some cases I am talkingabout physical batterers and at other times aboutmen who use or insult their partners but neverfrighten or intimidate them. Some of the men Idescribe in the pages ahead change moods sodrastically and so often that a woman could neverfeel sure what they are like, much less attach alabel. Your partner may be arrogant, or may playmind games, or may act selfishly over and overagain, but his better aspects may make you feelthat he is miles away from being an “abuser.”Please don’t let my language put you off; I havesimply chosen the word abuser as a shorthandway of saying “men who chronically make theirpartners feel mistreated or devalued.” You canadopt a different term if you know one that fitsyour partner better. But whatever style ofmistreatment your partner uses, rest assured that

you will find in these pages the answers to manyquestions that have perplexed you.If the person you are involved with is the samesex as you are, you have a place here too. Lesbiansand gay men who abuse their partners exhibitmuch of the same thinking, and most of the sametactics and excuses, that abusive heterosexual mendo. In this book I have used the term he for theabuser and she for the abused partner to keep mydiscussions simple and clear, but abused lesbiansand gay men are very much in my thoughts, rightalongside of abused straight women. Of course,you will need to change the gender language to fityour relationship, for which I apologize inadvance. You will also find a section in Chapter 6where I speak specifically about the similaritiesand differences in same-sex abusers.Similarly, this book includes stories of menfrom a very wide range of racial and culturalbackgrounds. Although the attitudes andbehaviors of controlling and abusive men vary

somewhat from culture to culture, I have foundthat their similarities greatly outweigh theirdifferences. If your partner is a person of color oran immigrant, or if you are a member of one ofthese groups yourself, you will find that much ofwhat this book discusses, or perhaps all of it, fitsyour experience quite well. While I have notspecified race or ethnicity in the cases I describe inthese pages, roughly one-third of the abuserswhose stories I tell are men of color or men fromnations outside of North America. I further discusssome specific racial and cultural issues in Chapter6.MY EXPERIENCE WORKING WITHANGRY AND CONTROLLING MENI began counseling abusive men individually andin groups in 1987, while working for a programcalled Emerge, the first agency in the UnitedStates to offer specialized services for men who

abuse women. For roughly the next five years Iworked almost exclusively with clients who werecoming to the program voluntarily. They generallyattended under heavy pressure from their femalepartners, who were either talking about leavingthe relationship or had already done so. In manycases, the woman had gone to court to seek arestraining order legally barring the man from thehome and in many cases ordering him to stayaway from the woman altogether. The men’s mainmotivation for seeking counseling was the hope ofsaving their relationships. It was common forthem to feel some guilt or discomfort about theirabusive behavior, but they simultaneouslybelieved strongly in the validity of their excusesand justifications, so their feelings of remorsewould not have been enough in themselves to havekept them in my program. In those early years, theclients I worked with were men who used far moreverbal and emotional abuse than physicalviolence, although most of them had been

physically intimidating or assaultive on at least afew occasions.During the 1990s the legal system becamemuch more involved than it had been in the past inresponding to domestic abuse, with the result thatcourt-mandated clients started at first to trickleand then to pour in the doors of our program.These men often had a much greater propensity forphysical violence than our earlier clients,sometimes involving the use of weapons orvicious beatings resulting in the hospitalization oftheir partners. Yet we observed that in other waysthese men were generally not significantlydifferent from our verbally abusive clients: theirattitudes and excuses tended to be the same, andthey used mental cruelty side by side with theirphysical assaults. Equally important was that thefemale partners of these battering men werelargely describing the same distresses in their livesthat we were hearing about from women who hadbeen psychologically abused, showing us that

different forms of abuse have similar destructiveimpacts on women.Throughout my years of working withcontrolling and abusive men, my colleagues and Ihave been strict about always speaking to thewoman whom our client has mistreated, whetheror not the couple is still together. (And if he hasstarted a new relationship, we talk with his currentpartner as well, which is part of how we becameaware of the ways in which abusive men continuetheir patterns from one relationship to the next.) Itis through these interviews with women that wehave received our greatest education about powerand control in relationships. The women’saccounts also have taught us that abusive menpresent their own stories with tremendous denial,minimization, and distortion of the history of theirbehaviors and that it is therefore otherwiseimpossible for us to get an accurate picture ofwhat is going on in an abusive relationshipwithout listening carefully to the abused woman.

Counseling abusive men is difficult work. Theyare usually very reluctant to face up to the damagethat they have been causing women, and oftenchildren as well, and hold on tightly to theirexcuses and victim blaming. As you will see inthe pages ahead, they become attached to thevarious privileges they earn through mistreatingtheir partners, and they have habits of mind thatmake it difficult for them to imagine being in arespectful and equal relationship with a woman.I am sometimes asked: Why work with abusivemen if it is so hard to get them to change? Thereasons are several. First, if even one man out of aten-person group makes substantial and lastingchanges, then my time and energy have beeninvested well, because his partner and his childrenwill experience a dramatic change in the quality oftheir lives. Second, I believe in holding abusersaccountable for their actions. If they attend anabuser program they can at least be called to taskfor the harm they have done, and I have hope (and

see the signs) that cultural values can change overtime if people find that men who chronicallymistreat and degrade women are being madeanswerable. Third, and probably most important,is that I consider the woman that my client hasmistreated to be the person I am primarily serving,and I make contact with her at least every fewweeks. My goal is to give her emotional support,help her learn about counseling and legal servicesthat exist for her in her community (usually forfree), and help her get her mind untangled fromthe knot that her abusive partner has tied. I canmake it more difficult for him to manipulate her,and I may be able to warn her of underhandedmaneuvers that he is planning or of escalation thatI’m observing. As long as I stay focused on thewoman and her children as those who are mostdeserving and in need of my assistance, I canalmost always make a positive contribution,whether or not my abusive client decides toseriously face his own problem. (In Chapter 14, I

describe what actually goes on inside a counselingprogram for abusive men, and I explain how awoman can determine whether or not a particularprogram is being run properly.)In recent years, through my work as a childabuse investigator and as a custody evaluator forvarious courts, I have come to interact in a newway with families affected by abusive men. I sharesome of the insights I have gained through theseexperiences in Chapter 10, which examines theexperiences of children who are exposed toabusive men—usually their fathers or stepfathers—and the ways in which some abusers continuetheir patterns of controlling and intimidatingbehavior through custody actions in the familycourts.HOW TO USE THIS BOOKOne of the prevalent features of life with an angryor controlling partner is that he frequently tells

you what you should think and tries to get you todoubt or devalue your own perceptions andbeliefs. I would not like to see your experiencewith this book re-create that unhealthy dynamic.So the primary point to bear in mind as you readthe pages ahead is to listen carefully to what I amsaying, but always to think for yourself. If any partof what I describe about abusers doesn’t matchyour experience, cast it aside and focus on theparts that do fit. You might even put the bookdown from time to time and ask yourself, “Howdoes this apply to my relationship? What are myown examples of how a controlling or cruel manthinks and behaves?” If you come upon sectionsthat don’t speak to you—because you don’t havechildren, for example, or because your partner isnever physically frightening—just skip ahead tothe pieces that can help you more.Some women will find that being alone withthis book is too difficult because it awakensfeelings and realizations that are overwhelming. I

encourage you to reach out for support fromtrusted friends and family as you go along. Whilereading this book is likely to be clarifying for you,it may also awaken an awareness that can bepainful or distressing.If you can’t find someone whom you know totalk to—or even if you can—call the abuse hotlinein your area. If you need a listing near where youlive in the United States or Canada, call theNational Abuse Hotline at (800) 799-7233, andthey will give you your local program information(in almost any language imaginable). For manyother options for assistance, look in the“Resources” section at the back of this book.Again, don’t be stymied by the word abuse; thehot line staff is there to listen to you and to helpyou think about any relationship in which you arebeing treated in a way that is making you feel bad.I understand how uncomfortable it can be totake the leap of talking with people you care aboutregarding the mistreatment you are experiencing

in your relationship. You may feel ashamed ofhaving a partner who sometimes behaves inunkind or bullying ways, and you may fear thatpeople will be critical of you for not leaving himright away. Or you might have the oppositeconcern: that people around you are so fond ofyour partner that you question whether they willbelieve you when you describe how mean orabusive he can be. But, regardless of theseanxieties, it is essential not to stay isolated withyour distress or confusion about what ishappening in your relationship. Find someonewhom you can trust—it might even be a personyou have never considered opening up to before—and unburden yourself. This is probably the singlemost critical step you can take toward building alife that is free from control or abuse.If your partner’s controlling or devaluingbehavior is chronic, you no doubt find yourselfthinking about him a great deal of the time,wondering how to please him, how to keep him

from straying, or how to get him to change. As aresult, you may find that you don’t get much timeto think about yourself—except about what iswrong with you in his eyes. One of my centralreasons for writing this book is, ironically, to helpyou think about him less. I’m hoping that byanswering as many questions as possible andclearing away the confusion that abusive behaviorcreates, I can make it possible for you to escapethe trap of preoccupation with your partner, so thatyou can put yourself—and your children if you area mother—back in the center of your life whereyou belong. An angry and controlling man can belike a vacuum cleaner that sucks up a woman’smind and life, but there are ways to get your lifeback. The first step is to learn to identify whatyour partner is doing and why he does it, which iswhat the pages ahead will illuminate. But whenyou have finished diving deeply into the abuser’smind, which this book will enable you to do, it isimportant to rise back to the surface and from then

on try to stay out of the water as much as youcan. I don’t mean that you should necessarilyleave your partner—that is a complex and highlypersonal decision that only you can make. Butwhether you stay or go, the critical decision youcan make is to stop letting your partner distort thelens of your life, always forcing his way into thecenter of the picture. You deserve to have your lifebe about you; you are worth it.

PART IThe Nature of Abusive Thinking

1The MysteryLISTEN TO THE VOICES OF THESEWOMEN:He’s two different people. I feel like I’mliving with Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde.He really doesn’t mean to hurt me. Hejust loses control.Everyone else thinks he’s great. I don’tknow what it is about me that sets himoff.He’s fine when he’s sober. But whenhe’s drunk, watch out.

I feel like he’s never happy withanything I do.He’s scared me a few times, but henever touches the children. He’s a greatfather.He calls me disgusting names, and thenan hour later he wants sex. I don’t getit.He messes up my mind sometimes.The thing is, he really understands me.Why does he do that?THESE ARE THE WORDS of women who aredescribing their anxiety and inner conflict abouttheir relationships. Each of these women knowsthat something is wrong—very wrong—but shecan’t put her finger on what it is. Every time she

thinks she’s got her partner figured out, that shefinally understands what is bothering him,something new happens, something changes. Thepieces refuse to fit together.Each of these women is trying to make senseout of the roller-coaster ride that her relationshiphas become. Consider Kristen’s account:When I first met Maury, he was the man I haddreamed of. It seemed too good to be true. Hewas charming, funny, and smart, and best of all,he was crazy about me. I opened up to himabout hard things I’d been through over theprevious few years, and he was so much on myside about it all. And he was so game for doingthings—whatever I wanted to do, he was up forit. The first year or so that we were together wasgreat.I can’t say exactly when things started tochange. I think it was around the time we startedliving together. It started with him saying he

needed more space. I felt confused, becausebefore that it had always seemed like he was theone who wanted to be together every second.Then he began to have more and morecriticisms and complaints.He would say that I talk on and on and thatI’m self-centered. Maybe I am—it’s true that Italk a lot. But earlier it had seemed like hecouldn’t hear enough about me. He started to saythat I wasn’t doing anything with my life. Iknow he has big ambitions, and maybe he’sright that I should be more that way, but I’mhappy with what I have. And then it was myweight. It started to seem like all the time he wassaying that I needed to work out more, that Iwasn’t watching what I ate. That hurt the most,to tell you the truth. He seemed to want sex lessand less often, and if I ever tried to be the one toinitiate lovemaking, forget it.

We’re still together, but I have a feeling he’sgoing to leave me. I just can’t seem to live up towhat he needs. I’m trying, but he doesn’t thinkso. And now when he’s really angry orfrustrated, he says things that cut me down. Afew days ago he said, “You’re a lazy bitch, justlooking for a man to live off of like yourmother.” I don’t get that; I’ve contributed a lot. Ihaven’t worked the last two years since our babywas born, but I’m getting ready to go back towork soon. I don’t think he really meant it, butstill…He says I’ve changed a lot, but I’m notalways so sure it’s me.Sometimes for a few days he seems like theguy I fell in love with, and I get hopeful, but thenhe slips away again into being so unhappy withme. I set him off somehow, but I don’t knowwhat I’m doing wrong.

Kristen was troubled by several questions.What had happened to the man she had loved somuch? Why was he always putting her down?What could she do to stop his explosions? Whydid he think she was the one who had changed?Other women tell stories that are quite distinctfrom Kristen’s, but they feel just as confused asshe does. Here is what Barbara describes:Fran is kind of quiet and shy. But he’s cute as abutton, and I got a crush on him the day I methim. I had to really go after him; it was hard todraw him out. We would go out and have greattalks, and I couldn’t wait to see him again. Butthree weeks would go by, and he’d say hehadn’t been feeling well, or his sister was intown, or whatever. A couple of times he forgotdates we had.Well, he finally opened up. It turned out he’dbeen really hurt before. He’d been cheated on alot, and women had done some pretty mean

things to him. He was afraid to get close again.Little by little, he came around, but I wasdefinitely the pursuer. I tried to show him that Iwasn’t like other women he’d been with. I’m notflirtatious. I don’t show my body off to othermen; I’m just not that style. But Fran wouldn’tbelieve it. He would always say that I wasmaking eyes at a man at the next table, or that Iwas checking someone out who walked past us.I feel bad for him, he’s so insecure. His mothercheated on his father when he was growing up,so I guess that’s made it even worse.I was eager to get married, because I thoughtthen he’d feel secure that I was his, but he wasvery reluctant to commit. When we finally did tiethe knot, he was more trusting for a while, butthen the jealousy came back, and it’s never left.I’ve asked him off and on for years to go see atherapist, but he gets really mad and says there’snothing wrong with him.

A few days ago we went to a birthday partyfor a friend of his, and I had this greatconversation with his friend’s brother. It wasnothing but talking—I mean, the guy isn’t evencute. Well, suddenly Fran was saying that wehad to go home because he had a bad headache.On the drive home, it turned out the real reasonwas jealousy. He started yelling at me, saying hewas sick of me humiliating him in front of otherpeople, “strutting your stuff,” and on and on. Hewas pounding his fist on the dashboard, and twoor three times he shoved me up against the cardoor. Each time that I told him it wasn’t true hewould go through the roof, so I stopped sayingthat. Our children were sitting in the backseat; itscared the daylights out of them.At my age, it’s hard to think about leavinghim. Starting all over now seems so hard. I justwish he would get some help.Barbara was struggling with issues different

from Kristen’s. Why couldn’t Fran trust her, andwhy was he isolating her from other people? Whycouldn’t he see that he had a problem, and gethelp? Was he going to hurt her badly some day?Would her life ever get better?At first look, Maury and Fran sound nothinglike each other: One is young, popular, energetic,and assertive; the other is socially awkward,passive, and easily hurt. Fran is physically violentsometimes, whereas Maury is not. But are they asdifferent as they seem? Or do they both actuallyhave the same set of issues under the surface,driving their behavior? These are some of thequestions for which we will find answers in thechapters ahead.Consider one more account, from Laura:Paul is a great guy. We dated for about sixmonths, and now we’ve been living together forseveral more. We’re engaged. I feel so bad forhim. His ex-wife accused him of abusing her,

and it’s a total lie. He made one mistake, whichis that he cheated on her, and she is determinedto get him back for that. She will stop atnothing. Now she is even saying that he wasviolent, claiming he slapped her a few timesand broke her things. That’s ridiculous! I’vebeen with him for over a year now, and I cantell you, he’s nothing like that. Paul has nevereven raised a hand to me. In fact, he’s tried tohelp me get my life together and has been reallythere for me. I was in a bad place when I methim, I was depressed and I was drinking toomuch, and I’m doing so much better now,because of him. I hate that bitch for accusinghim of those things. We’re going to worktogether on getting custody of his kids, becauseshe’s out of control.Laura wondered how Paul’s ex-wife couldaccuse such a delightful man of abuse. She was soangry about it that she didn’t notice several

warning signs about her own relationship withPaul.If Kristen, Barbara, and Laura were to sit downtogether and compare notes, they might decidethat their partners couldn’t be more different. Thepersonalities of the three men seem miles apart,and their relationships follow very separate paths.Yet Maury, Fran, and Paul actually have far morein common than meets the eye. Their moodiness,their excuses, their outlook, are all bubbling fromthe same source. And all three are abusive men.THE TRAGEDY OF ABUSEAbuse of women in relationships touches anunimaginable number of lives. Even if we leaveaside cases of purely verbal and mental abuse andjust look at physical violence, the statistics areshocking: 2 to 4 million women are assaulted bytheir partners per year in the United States. TheU.S. Surgeon General has declared that attacks by

male partners are the number one cause of injuryto women between the ages of fifteen and fortyfour.The American Medical Association reportsthat one woman out of three will be a victim ofviolence by a husband or boyfriend at some pointin her life. The emotional effects of partnerviolence are a factor in more than one-fourth offemale suicide attempts and are a leading cause ofsubstance abuse in adult women. Governmentstatistics indicate that 1,500 to 2,000 women aremurdered by partners and ex-partners per year,comprising more than one-third of all femalehomicide victims, and that these homicides almostalways follow a history of violence, threats, orstalking.The abuse of women sends shock wavesthrough the lives of children as well. Expertsestimate that 5 million children per year witnessan assault on their mothers, an experience that canleave them traumatized. Children exposed toviolence at home show higher rates of school

ehavior and attention problems, aggression,substance abuse, depression, and many othermeasures of childhood distress. Abuse of womenhas been found to be a cause of roughly one-thirdof divorces among couples with children and onehalfof divorces where custody is disputed.As alarming as this picture is, we also knowthat physical assaults are just the beginning of theabuse that women may be subjected to. There aremillions more women who have never been beatenbut who live with repeated verbal assaults,humiliation, sexual coercion, and other forms ofpsychological abuse, often accompanied byeconomic exploitation. The scars from mentalcruelty can be as deep and long-lasting as woundsfrom punches or slaps but are often not asobvious. In fact, even among women who haveexperienced violence from a partner, half or morereport that the man’s emotional abuse is what iscausing them the greatest harm.The differences between the verbally abusive

man and the physical batterer are not as great asmany people believe. The behavior of either styleof abuser grows from the same roots and is drivenby the same thinking. Men in either categoryfollow similar processes of change in overcomingtheir abusiveness—if they do change, whichunfortunately is not common. And the categoriestend to blur. Physically assaultive men are alsoverbally abusive to their partners. Mentally crueland manipulative men tend to gradually drift intousing physical intimidation as well. In this bookyou will meet abusers on a spectrum, rangingfrom those who never use violence to those whoare terrifying. The extent of their common groundmay startle you.One of the obstacles to recognizing chronicmistreatment in relationships is that most abusivemen simply don’t seem like abusers. They havemany good qualities, including times of kindness,warmth, and humor, especially in the early periodof a relationship. An abuser’s friends may think

the world of him. He may have a successful worklife and have no problems with drugs or alcohol.He may simply not fit anyone’s image of a cruel orintimidating person. So when a woman feels herrelationship spinning out of control, it is unlikelyto occur to her that her partner is an abuser.The symptoms of abuse are there, and thewoman usually sees them: the escalatingfrequency of put-downs. Early generosity turningmore and more to selfishness. Verbal explosionswhen he is irritated or when he doesn’t get hisway. Her grievances constantly turned around onher, so that everything is her own fault. Hisgrowing attitude that he knows what is good forher better than she does. And, in manyrelationships, a mounting sense of fear orintimidation. But the woman also sees that herpartner is a human being who can be caring andaffectionate at times, and she loves him. Shewants to figure out why he gets so upset, so thatshe can help him break his pattern of ups and

downs. She gets drawn into the complexities ofhis inner world, trying to uncover clues, movingpieces around in an attempt to solve an elaboratepuzzle.The abuser’s mood changes are especiallyperplexing. He can be a different person from dayto day, or even from hour to hour. At times he isaggressive and intimidating, his tone harsh,insults spewing from his mouth, ridicule drippingfrom him like oil from a drum. When he’s in thismode, nothing she says seems to have any impacton him, except to make him even angrier. Her sideof the argument counts for nothing in his eyes, andeverything is her fault. He twists her words aroundso that she always ends up on the defensive. As somany partners of my clients have said to me, “Ijust can’t seem to do anything right.”At other moments, he sounds wounded and lost,hungering for love and for someone to take care ofhim. When this side of him emerges, he appearsopen and ready to heal. He seems to let down his

guard, his hard exterior softens, and he may takeon the quality of a hurt child, difficult andfrustrating but lovable. Looking at him in thisdeflated state, his partner has trouble imaginingthat the abuser inside of him will ever be back.The beast that takes him over at other times lookscompletely unrelated to the tender person she nowsees.Sooner or later, though, the shadow comes backover him, as if it had a life of its own. Weeks ofpeace may go by, but eventually she finds herselfunder assault once again. Then her head spinswith the arduous effort of untangling the manythreads of his character, until she begins towonder whether she is the one whose head isn’tquite right.To make matters worse, everyone she talks tohas a different opinion about the nature of hisproblem and what she should do about it. Herclergyperson may tell her, “Love heals alldifficulties. Give him your heart fully, and he will

find the spirit of God.” Her therapist speaks adifferent language, saying, “He triggers strongreactions in you because he reminds you of yourfather, and you set things off in him because of hisrelationship with his mother. You each need towork on not pushing each other’s buttons.” Arecovering alcoholic friend tells her, “He’s a rageaddict. He controls you because he is terrified ofhis own fears. You need to get him into a twelvestepprogram.” Her brother may say to her, “He’sa good guy. I know he loses his temper with yousometimes—he does have a short fuse—butyou’re no prize yourself with that mouth of yours.You two need to work it out, for the good of thechildren.” And then, to crown her increasingconfusion, she may hear from her mother, or herchild’s schoolteacher, or her best friend: “He’smean and crazy, and he’ll never change. All hewants is to hurt you. Leave him now before hedoes something even worse.”All of these people are trying to help, and they

are all talking about the same abuser. But he looksdifferent from each angle of view.The woman knows from living with the abusiveman that there are no simple answers. Friends say:“He’s mean.” But she knows many ways in whichhe has been good to her. Friends say: “He treatsyou that way because he can get away with it. Iwould never let someone treat me that way.” Butshe knows that the times when she puts her footdown the most firmly, he responds by becominghis angriest and most intimidating. When shestands up to him, he makes her pay for it—sooneror later. Friends say: “Leave him.” But she knowsit won’t be that easy. He will promise to change.He’ll get friends and relatives to feel sorry for himand pressure her to give him another chance. He’llget severely depressed, causing her to worrywhether he’ll be all right. And, depending on whatstyle of abuser he is, she may know that he willbecome dangerous when she tries to leave him.She may even be concerned that he will try to take

her children away from her, as some abusers do.How is an abused woman to make a sensiblepicture out of this confusion? How can she gainenough insight into the causes of his problem toknow what path to choose? The questions shefaces are urgent ones.FIVE PUZZLESProfessionals who specialize in working withabusive and controlling men have had to facethese same perplexing issues at work. I was acodirector of the first counseling program in theUnited States—and perhaps in the world—forabusive men. When I began leading groups forabusers fifteen years ago, they were as much of amystery to me as they are to the women they livewith. My colleagues and I had to put a picturetogether from the same strange clues faced byKristen, Barbara, and Laura. Several themes keptconfronting us over and over again in our clients’

stories, including:HIS VERSION OF THE ABUSE ISWORLDS APART FROM HERS.A man named Dale in his mid-thirties gave thefollowing account when he entered my group forabusive men:My wife Maureen and I have been together foreleven years. The first ten years we had a goodmarriage, and there was no problem with abuseor violence or anything. She was a great girl.Then about a year ago she started hangingaround with this bitch she met named Eleanorwho really has it in for me. Some people justcan’t stand to see anyone else happy. This girlwas single and was obviously jealous thatMaureen was in a good marriage, so she set outto wreck it. Nobody can get along with Eleanor,so of course she has no relationships that last. Ijust had the bad luck that she ran into my wife.

So this bitch started planting a lot of bad stuffabout me in Maureen’s head and turning heragainst me. She tells Maureen that I don’t careabout her, that I’m sleeping with other girls, allkinds of lies. And she’s getting what she wants,because now Maureen and I have started havingsome wicked fights. This past year we haven’tgotten along at all. I tell Maureen I don’t wanther hanging around with that girl, but shedoesn’t listen to me. She sneaks around and seesher behind my back. And, look, I’m not here tohide anything. I’ll tell you straight out, it’s truethat two or three times this year I finally couldn’ttake all the accusations and yelling anymore, andI’ve hauled off and slapped her. I need help, I’mnot denying it. I have to learn to deal with thestress better; I don’t want her to get me arrested.And maybe I can still figure out how to persuadeMaureen not to throw a great thing away,because at the rate we’re going we’ll be brokenup in six months.

I always interview the partner of each of myclients as soon as possible after he enrolls in theprogram. I reached Maureen by phone severaldays later, and heard her account:Dale was great when I first met him, but by thetime we got married something was alreadywrong. He had gone from thinking I was perfectto constantly criticizing me, and he would get insuch bad moods over the littlest things. Iwouldn’t be able to figure out how to get him tofeel better. Only a couple of months after thewedding he shoved me for the first time, andafter that some explosion would happen abouttwo or three times a year. Usually he wouldbreak something or raise a fist, but a few timeshe shoved me or slapped me. Some years hedidn’t do it at all, and I would think it was allover, but then it would happen again—it sort ofcame in waves. And he was always, always,putting me down and telling me what to do. I

couldn’t do anything right.Anyhow, about a year ago I made a newfriend, Eleanor. She started telling me that whatDale was doing was abuse, even though he hadnever punched me or injured me, and that Ihadn’t done anything to deserve it. At first Ithought she was exaggerating, because I’veknown women that got it so much worse thanme. And Dale can be really sweet and supportivewhen you least expect it. We’ve had a lot of goodtimes, believe it or not. Anyhow, Eleanor kind ofopened my eyes up. So I started standing up toDale about how he talks to me, and told him Iwas thinking of moving out for a while. Andwhat’s happened is that he’s gone nuts. I swear,something has happened to him. He’sbackhanded me twice in the last eight months,and another time he threw me over a chair andmy back went out. So I finally moved out. Fornow I’m not planning to get back with him, but I

guess it depends partly on what he does in theabuser program.Notice the striking contrasts. Dale describes thefirst ten years of his marriage as abuse-free, whileMaureen remembers put-downs and even physicalassaults during those years. Maureen says thatEleanor helps and supports her, while Dale seesher as corrupting Maureen and turning her againsthim. Dale says that they are still together, whileMaureen reports that they have already broken up.Each one thinks the other has developed aproblem. How can their perceptions clash sostrongly? In the chapters ahead, we will explorethe thinking of abusive men to answer thequestion of why Dale’s view contains such seriousdistortions.HE GETS INSANELY JEALOUS, BUT INOTHER WAYS HE SEEMS ENTIRELYRATIONAL.

In a group session one day, a young clientnamed Marshall was recounting a confrontationwith his partner that had occurred in the previousweek:My wife and I had plans to meet in the lobby ofthe building where she works to go out forlunch. I was waiting around near the elevators,and when she finally came out I saw that she’dbeen alone on the elevator with this goodlookingguy. He had a look on his face, and shedid too, I can’t really describe it, but I could tellsomething was up. I said, “What was that allabout?,” and she pretended like she didn’tknow what I was talking about. That reallypissed me off, and I guess I kind of blew up ather. I may have gotten a little louder than Ishould have. I was mad, though, and I wassaying, “You were making it with that guy onthe elevator, weren’t you? Don’t lie to me, youslut, I’m not a fool.” But she kept on playing

dumb, saying she doesn’t even know him,which is a crock.Marshall was extremely jealous, but I hadworked with him long enough to know that hewasn’t crazy. He was lucid and logical in group,had a stable work history and normal friendships,and showed no signs of living in a world offantasy or hallucination. He simply did not havesymptoms of the type of serious mental illness thatcould convince a man that his wife could have sexin an elevator, fully clothed and standing up,between floors of a busy office building. Marshallhad to know that his accusation wasn’t true. Andwhen I confronted him, he admitted it.Given that even very jealous abusers turn out tohave a reasonable grasp on reality, why do theymake these insane-seeming accusations? Is theresomething about acting crazy that they enjoy?What does this behavior accomplish for them? (Ianswer these questions in Chapter 3, where we

consider the issue of possessiveness.)HE SUCCEEDS IN GETTING PEOPLE TOTAKE HIS SIDE AGAINST HER.Martin, a man in his late twenties, joined myabuser group while also seeing an individualtherapist. He told me the first day that he wasconfused about whether he had a problem or not,but that his long-time girlfriend Ginny waspreparing to break up with him because sheconsidered him abusive. He went on to describeincidents of insulting or ignoring Ginny and ofdeliberately causing her emotional pain “to showher how it feels when she hurts me.” He alsoadmitted to times of humiliating her in front ofother people, being flirtatious with women whenhe was mad at her, and ruining a couple of recentimportant events in her life by causing big scenes.He justified all of these behaviors because of wayshe felt hurt by her.

As a routine part of my assessment of Martin, Icontacted his private therapist to compareimpressions. The therapist turned out to havestrong opinions about the case:ERAPIST: I think it’s a big mistake for Martin tobe attending your abuser program. He has verylow self-esteem; he believes anything bad thatanyone says about him. If you tell him he’sabusive, that will just tear him down further. Hispartner slams him with the word abusive all thetime, for reasons of her own. Ginny’s got hugecontrol issues, and she has obsessive-compulsivedisorder. She needs treatment. I think havingMartin in your program just gets her what shewants.NCROFT: So you have been doing couplescounseling with them?ERAPIST: No, I see him individually.

NCROFT: How many times have you met withher?ERAPIST: She hasn’t been in at all.NCROFT: You must have had quite extensivephone contact with her, then.ERAPIST: No, I haven’t spoken to her.NCROFT: You haven’t spoken to her? You haveassigned Ginny a clinical diagnosis based only onMartin’s descriptions of her?ERAPIST: Yes, but you need to understand,we’re talking about an unusually insightful man.Martin has told me many details, and he isperceptive and sensitive.NCROFT: But he admits to serious psychologicalabuse of Ginny, although he doesn’t call it that.An abusive man is not a reliable source of

information about his partner.What Martin was getting from individualtherapy, unfortunately, was an official seal ofapproval for his denial, and for his view thatGinny was mentally ill. How had he shaped histherapist’s view of his partner to get her to adoptthis stance? How can abusers be so adept atrecruiting team members in this way, includingsometimes ones with considerable status orinfluence, and why do they want to? (Thesequestions are the focus of Chapter 11, “AbusiveMen and Their Allies.”)DURING SOME INCIDENTS HE SEEMSTO LOSE CONTROL, BUT CERTAINOTHER CONTROLLING BEHAVIORS OFHIS APPEAR VERY CALCULATED.Several years ago, a young man named Markcame to one of my abuser groups. When a clientjoins the program, I set behavioral goals with him

as soon as possible. I often begin by asking,“What are the top three or four complaints yourpartner has about you?” Mark’s response was:One of the things Eileen gets on me about themost is that she says I ignore her. She says Imake her a low priority and always want to doother things instead of be with her, so she feelslike she’s nothing. I like to have time to myselfa lot, or to relax and watch television. I guess Ikind of tune her out.Based on Mark’s account, I wrote near the topof his Behavior Plan: “Spend more time withEileen. Make her a higher priority.”Eileen was very difficult to reach by phone, butthree weeks later she finally called me, with asurprising story to tell:A few weeks before Mark started your program,I told him that I needed a total break from therelationship. I just couldn’t take it anymore, the

yelling and the selfishness. He won’t even letme sleep. So I didn’t even want to talk to himfor a while; I had to have time away to getmyself together. I reassured him that therelationship wasn’t over, and we’d work ongetting back together in a couple of months,after a breather.Then, a couple of weeks later, he called meand said that he had enrolled in an abuserprogram. He said that his counselor wants him tospend more time with me and had written it onhis sheet, and that the program told him thatbeing with me was part of how he needed towork on his issues. I wasn’t ready for that yet atall, but I also didn’t want to interfere with hisprogram. So I started seeing him again. I wantwhatever is going to work best to help himchange. I could have used a little more timeapart, to tell you the truth, but if that’s what yourprogram recommends…

Mark had succeeded in twisting the abuserprogram to suit his own purposes. I explained toEileen what had happened and apologized for theway my program had added to the manydifficulties she already had with him. The highdegree of manipulativeness that Mark used is notuncommon among abusive men, unfortunately.How can abusers be capable of such calculationyet at other times appear to be so out of control?What’s the connection? The answers can be foundin Chapter 2, where we examine the excuses thatabusive men use to justify their behavior.SOMETIMES HE SEEMS TO BE REALLYCHANGING, BUT IT TENDS TO VANISH.Carl was a twenty-six-year-old man who hadbeen arrested repeatedly for domestic assaults andhad finally served a few months in jail. He said tome in a group session:Going to jail was the last straw. I finally got it

that I have to stop blaming my problems oneverybody else and take a look at myselfinstead. People in jail said the same thing tome: If you don’t want to be back in here, getreal with yourself. I have a bad temper, andkind of a mean streak to tell you the truth, and Ihave to deal with it. I don’t want to be backinside for anything.At the end of each counseling session, Carlwould make comments such as, “I can see thatI’ve really got to work on my attitude” and “Ilearned a lot tonight about how excuses keep mefrom changing.” One night he looked at me andsaid, “I’m really glad I met you, because I think ifI wasn’t hearing the things you are saying, Iwould be headed straight back to being locked up.You’re helping me get my head on straight.”I reached Carl’s girlfriend, Peggy, by telephoneand began to ask her about the history of Carl’sproblem with abusiveness. She sounded

noticeably distracted and uncomfortable. Isuspected strongly that Carl was listening to theconversation, so I made an excuse to wrap it upsoon. However, when Carl was at my group thenext week, I left my co-leader in charge of thesession and slipped out to give Peggy another call,to see if she would feel freer to talk. This time shegave me an earful:Carl comes home from your program in a rageevery week. I’m afraid to be around the houseon Wednesday nights, which is when he has hisgroup session. He says the program is totalbullshit, and that he wouldn’t have to be sittingthere getting insulted by you people if I hadn’tcalled the police on him, and he says that Iknow the fight that night was my fault anyhow.He says he especially hates that guy Lundy. Afew nights ago I told him to stop blaming it onme that he has to go to counseling, and heslammed me up against the doorjamb and told

me if I didn’t shut up he’d choke me. I shouldcall the police, but he’d get sent away for twoyears this time because he’s on parole, and I’mafraid that would be enough to get him to killme when he got out.Peggy then went on to describe the history ofbeatings she had suffered at Carl’s hands beforehe went to jail: the black eyes, the smashedfurniture, the time he had held a knife to herthroat. He invariably had blamed each attack onher, no matter how brutal his abuse or how seriousher injuries.After speaking with Peggy, I returned to thegroup session, where Carl went through his usualroutine of self-exploration and guilt. I of coursesaid nothing; if he knew Peggy had told me thetruth, she would be in extraordinary danger. Soonafter this, I reported to his probation officer that hewas not appropriate for our program, withoutgiving the real reason.

Carl created the appearance of learning a greatdeal at each session, and his comments suggestedserious reflection on the issues, including theeffects of his abuse on his partner. What washappening each week inside his mind before hegot home? How can an abuser gain such insightinto his feelings and still behave so destructively?And how does real change happen? (We’ll returnto these questions in Chapter 14, “The Process ofChange.”)THESE ARE JUST a very few of the manyconfounding questions that face anyone—thepartner of an abusive man, a friend, or aprofessional—who is looking for effective ways torespond to abusive behavior. I came to realize,through my experience with over two thousandabusers, that the abusive man wants to be amystery. To get away with his behavior and toavoid having to face his problem, he needs toconvince everyone around him—and himself—

that his behavior makes no sense. He needs hispartner to focus on everything except the realcauses of his behavior. To see the abuser as hereally is, it is necessary to strip away layer afterlayer of confusion, mixed messages, anddeception. Like anyone with a serious problem,abusers work hard to keep their true selves hidden.Part of how the abuser escapes confrontinghimself is by convincing you that you are thecause of his behavior, or that you at least share theblame. But abuse is not a product of badrelationship dynamics, and you cannot makethings better by changing your own behavior or byattempting to manage your partner better. Abuseis a problem that lies entirely within the abuser.Through years of direct work with abusers andtheir partners, I found that the realities behind theenigmatic abuser gradually came out into thebright light forming a picture that increasinglymade sense to me. The pages ahead will take youthrough the pieces that I watched fall into place

one by one, including:Why abusers are charming early inrelationships but don’t stay that wayWhat the early warning signs are that cantip you off that you may be involved withan abusive or controlling manWhy his moods change at the drop of ahatWhat goes on inside his mind and howhis thinking causes his behaviorWhat role alcohol and drugs play—anddon’t play—in partner abuseWhy leaving an abusive man doesn’talways solve the problemHow to tell whether an abuser is reallychanging—and what to do if he isn’tHow friends, relatives, and othercommunity members can help to stopabuse

Why many abusive men seem to bementally ill—and why they usually aren’tWe will explore answers to these questions onthree levels. The first level is the abuser’s thinking—his attitudes and beliefs—in daily interactions.The second is his learning process, through whichhis thinking began to develop early in his life. Andthe third involves the rewards he reaps fromcontrolling his partner, which encourage him touse abusive behavior over and over again. As weclear away the abusive man’s smoke screen withthese understandings, you will find thatabusiveness turns out to be far less mysteriousthan it appears at first.Inside the abuser’s mind, there is a world ofbeliefs, perceptions, and responses that fitstogether in a surprisingly logical way. Hisbehavior does make sense. Underneath the facadeof irrationality and explosiveness, there is ahuman being with a comprehensible—and

solvable—problem. But he doesn’t want you tofigure him out.The abuser creates confusion because he has to.He can’t control and intimidate you, he can’trecruit people around him to take his side, he can’tkeep escaping the consequences of his actions,unless he can throw everyone off the track. Whenthe world catches on to the abuser, his powerbegins to melt away. So we are going to travelbehind the abuser’s mask to the heart of hisproblem. This journey is critical to the health andhealing of abused women and their children, foronce you grasp how your partner’s mind works,you can begin reclaiming control of your own life.Unmasking the abuser also does him a favor,because he will not confront—and overcome—hishighly destructive problem as long as he canremain hidden.The better we understand abusers, the more wecan create homes and relationships that are havensof love and safety, as they should be. Peace really

does begin at home.

2The MythologyHe’s crazy.He feels so bad about himself. I justneed to build up his self-image a little.He just loses it.He’s so insecure.His mother abused him, and now he hasa grudge against women and he takes itout on me.I’m so confused. I don’t understandwhat’s going on with him.

IN ONE IMPORTANT WAY, an abusive manworks like a magician: His tricks largely rely ongetting you to look off in the wrong direction,distracting your attention so that you won’t noticewhere the real action is. He draws you intofocusing on the turbulent world of his feelings tokeep your eyes turned away from the true cause ofhis abusiveness, which lies in how he thinks. Heleads you into a convoluted maze, making yourrelationship with him a labyrinth of twists andturns. He wants you to puzzle over him, to try tofigure him out, as though he were a wonderful butbroken machine for which you need only to findand fix the malfunctioning parts to bring it roaringto its full potential. His desire, though he may notadmit it even to himself, is that you wrack yourbrain in this way so that you won’t notice thepatterns and logic of his behavior, theconsciousness behind the craziness.To further divert your gaze, he may work toshape your view of his past partners to keep you

from talking to them directly and to prepare you todisbelieve them should you happen to hear whatthey say. If you could follow the thread of hisconduct over a series of relationships, you wouldfind out that his behavior isn’t as erratic as itlooks; in fact, it follows a fairly consistent patternfrom woman to woman, except for briefrelationships or ones he isn’t that serious about.Above all, the abusive man wants to avoidhaving you zero in on his abusiveness itself. So hetries to fill your head up with excuses anddistortions and keep you weighed down with selfdoubtand self-blame. And, unfortunately, much ofthe society tends to follow unsuspectingly alongbehind him, helping him to close your eyes, andhis own, to his problem.The mythology about abusive men that runsthrough modern culture has been created largelyby the abusers themselves. Abusive men concoctexplanations for their actions which they give totheir partners, therapists, clergypeople, relatives,

and social researchers. But it is a serious error toallow abusers to analyze and account for their ownproblems. Would we ask an active alcoholic to tellus why he or she drinks, and then accept theexplanation unquestioningly? This is what wewould hear:“I drink because I have bad luck in life.”“I actually don’t drink much at all—it’s just arumor that some people have been spreadingabout me because they don’t like me.”“I started to drink a lot because my self-esteemwas ruined by all these unfair accusations thatI’m alcoholic, which I’m not.”When we hear these kinds of excuses from adrunk, we assume they are exactly that—excuses.We don’t consider an active alcoholic a reliablesource of insight. So why should we let an angryand controlling man be the authority on partner

abuse? Our first task, therefore, is to remove theabusive man’s smoke and mirrors, and then setabout watching carefully to see what he is reallydoing.A BRIEF EXERCISEIn my public presentations on abuse, I often beginwith a simple exercise. I ask the audiencemembers to write down everything they have everheard, or ever believed, about where an abuser’sproblem comes from. I invite you to close thisbook for two or three minutes now and make asimilar list for yourself, so that you can refer to itas we go along.I then ask people to call out items from theirlists, and I write them on the blackboard,organizing them into three categories: one formyths, one for partial truths, and one for accuratestatements. We usually end up with twenty orthirty myths, four or five half-truths, and perhaps

one or two realities. The audience members squintat me and fidgit in their seats, surprised todiscover that the common beliefs about the causesof abuse contain several dollops of fantasy andmisconception for each ounce of truth. If you findas you go through this chapter that your own listturns out to contain mostly myths, you are notalone.For the partner of an abusive or controllingman, having all of these mistaken theories pulledout from under you at once can be overwhelming.But for each stick that we pull out of the structureof misconception about abusive men, a brick iswaiting to take its place. When we’re finished,your partner will find it much harder than beforeto throw you off balance and confuse you, andyour relationship will make sense to you in a waythat it hasn’t before.THE MYTHS ABOUT ABUSERS

1. He was abused as a child.2. His previous partner hurt him.3. He abuses those he loves themost.4. He holds in his feelings toomuch.5. He has an aggressivepersonality.6. He loses control.7. He is too angry.8. He is mentally ill.9. He hates women.10. He is afraid of intimacy andabandonment.11. He has low self-esteem.12. His boss mistreats him.13. He has poor skills incommunication and conflictresolution.

14. There are as many abusivewomen as abusive men.15. His abusiveness is as bad forhim as for his partner.16. He is a victim of racism.17. He abuses alcohol or drugs.MYTH #1:He was abused as a child, and heneeds therapy for it.The partners of my clients commonly believe thatthe roots of the man’s abusiveness can be found inmistreatment that he suffered himself, and manyprofessionals share the same misconception. I hearexplanations along the lines of:“He calls me all those horrible things because

that is what his mother used to do to him.”“His father used to get angry at him and beathim with a belt, so now if I get angry at all, hejust freaks out and starts throwing thingsaround the house. He says it’s because deepdown, he’s really scared of my anger.”“His stepmother was a witch. I’ve met her;she’s vicious. So now he really has this thingagainst women.”QUESTION 1:IS IT BECAUSE HE WASABUSED AS A CHILD?Multiple research studies have examined thequestion of whether men who abuse women tendto be survivors of childhood abuse, and the linkhas turned out to be weak; other predictors of

which men are likely to abuse women have provenfar more reliable, as we will see. Notably, menwho are violent toward other men are oftenvictims of child abuse—but the connection ismuch less clear for men who assault women. Theone exception is that those abusers who arebrutally physically violent or terrifying towardwomen often do have histories of having beenabused as children. In other words, a badchildhood doesn’t cause a man to become anabuser, but it can contribute to making a man whois abusive especially dangerous.If abusiveness were the product of childhoodemotional injury, abusers could overcome theirproblem through psychotherapy. But it is virtuallyunheard of for an abusive man to make substantialand lasting changes in his pattern of abusivenessas a result of therapy. (In Chapter 14, we’llexamine the differences between psychotherapyand a specialized abuser program, because thelatter sometimes can bring good results.) He may

work through other emotional difficulties, he maygain insight into himself, but his behaviorcontinues. In fact it typically gets worse, as heuses therapy to develop new excuses for hisbehavior, more sophisticated arguments to provethat his partner is mentally unstable, and morecreative ways to make her feel responsible for hisemotional distress. Abusive men are sometimesmasters of the hard-luck story, and may find thataccounts of childhood abuse are one of the bestways to pull heartstrings.For some abusive men, the blame-the-childhoodapproach has an additional reason for beingappealing: By focusing on what his mother didwrong, he gets to blame a woman for hismistreatment of women. This explanation can alsoappeal to the abused woman herself, since itmakes sense out of his behavior and gives hersomeone safe to be angry at—since getting angryat him always seems to blow up in her face. Thewider society, and the field of psychology in

particular, has often jumped on this bandwagoninstead of confronting the hard questions thatpartner abuse raises. Abuse of women by men isso rampant that, unless people can somehow makeit women’s own fault, they are forced to take on anumber of uncomfortable questions about menand about much of male thinking. So it may seemeasier to just lay the problem at the feet of theman’s mother?My clients who have participated extensively intherapy or substance-abuse recovery programssometimes sound like therapists themselves—anda few actually have been—as they adopt the termsof popular psychology or textbook theory. Oneclient used to try to lure me into intellectualdebates with comments such as, “Well, yourgroup follows a cognitive-behavioral model,which has been shown to have limitations foraddressing a problem as deep as this one.” Anabusive man who is adept in the language offeelings can make his partner feel crazy by turning

each argument into a therapy session in which heputs her reactions under a microscope and assignshimself the role of “helping” her. He may, forexample, “explain” to her the emotional issues sheneeds to work through, or analyze her reasons for“mistakenly” believing that he is mistreating her.An abusive man may embellish his childhoodsuffering once he discovers that it helps himescape responsibility. The National DistrictAttorney’s Association Bulletin reported arevealing study that was conducted on anothergroup of destructive men: child sexual abusers.The researcher asked each man whether hehimself had been sexually victimized as a child. Ahefty 67 percent of the subjects said yes. However,the researcher then informed the men that he wasgoing to hook them up to a lie-detector test andask them the same questions again. Affirmativeanswers suddenly dropped to only 29 percent. Inother words, abusers of all varieties tend to realizethe mileage they can get out of saying, “I’m

abusive because the same thing was done to me.”Although the typical abusive man works tomaintain a positive public image, it is true thatsome women have abusive partners who are nastyor intimidating to everyone. How about that man?Do his problems result from mistreatment by hisparents? The answer is both yes and no; it dependson which problem we’re talking about. Hishostility toward the human race may sprout fromcruelty in his upbringing, but he abuses womenbecause he has an abuse problem. The twoproblems are related but distinct.I am not saying that you should beunsympathetic to your partner’s childhoodsuffering. An abusive man deserves the samecompassion that a nonabusive man does, neithermore nor less. But a nonabusive man doesn’t usehis past as an excuse to mistreat you. Feeling sorryfor your partner can be a trap, making you feelguilty for standing up to his abusiveness.I have sometimes said to a client: “If you are so

in touch with your feelings from your abusivechildhood, then you should know what abuse feelslike. You should be able to remember howmiserable it was to be cut down to nothing, to beput in fear, to be told that the abuse is your ownfault. You should be less likely to abuse a woman,not more so, from having been through it.” Once Imake this point, he generally stops mentioning histerrible childhood; he only wants to drawattention to it if it’s an excuse to stay the same,not if it’s a reason to change.MYTH #2:He had a previous partner whomistreated him terribly, and now hehas a problem with women as aresult. He’s a wonderful man, andthat bitch made him get like this.

As we saw with Fran in Chapter 1, an abuser’sbitter tale of emotional destruction by a past wifeor girlfriend can have a powerful impact on hiscurrent partner. In the most common version ofthis story, the man recounts how his ex-partnerbroke his heart by cheating on him, perhaps withseveral different men. If you ask him how hefound out, he answers that “everybody” knewabout it or that his friends told him. He also maysay, “I caught her cheating myself,” but when youpress him on what he actually saw, it often turnsout that he saw nothing, or that he saw her talkingto some guy or riding in his car late at night, “so Icould tell.”He may describe other wounds he received froma previous partner: She tried to control him; shewouldn’t let him have any freedom; she expectedhim to wait on her hand and foot; she turned theirchildren against him; she even “had him arrested”out of vindictiveness. What he is describingusually are his own behaviors, but he attributes

them to the woman so that he is the victim. He cangain sympathy from his new partner in thisfashion, especially because so many women knowwhat it is like to be abused—unfortunately—sothey can connect with his distress.The abusive or controlling man can draw a richset of excuses from his past relationships. Forcontrolling his current partner’s friendships andfor accusing her of cheating on him: “It’s becausemy ex-partner hurt me so badly by cheating on meso many times, and that’s why I’m so jealous andcan’t trust you.” For throwing a tempter tantrumwhen she asks him to clean up after himself: “Myex-partner controlled my every move, and so nowit makes me furious when I feel like you’re tellingme what to do.” For having affairs of his own orkeeping other love interests going on the side: “Igot so hurt last time that now I am really afraid ofcommitting, so I want to keep havinginvolvements with other people.” He can craft anexcuse to fit any of his controlling behaviors.

I recommend applying the following principleto assertions that an angry or controlling manmakes about past women in his life:IF IT IS AN EXCUSE FOR MISTREATINGYOU, IT’S A DISTORTION.A man who was genuinely mistreated in arelationship with a woman would not be usingthat experience to get away with hurting someoneelse.Consider the reverse situation for a moment:Have you ever heard a woman claim that thereason why she is chronically mistreating her malepartner is because a previous man abused her? Ihave never run into this excuse in the fifteen yearsI have worked in the field of abuse. Certainly Ihave encountered cases where women had troubletrusting another man after leaving an abuser, butthere is a critical distinction to be made: Her pastexperiences may explain how she feels, but they

are not an excuse for how she behaves. And thesame is true for a man.When a client of mine blames a pastrelationship for his cruel or controlling behavior inthe present, I jump in with several questions: “Didyour ex-partner ever say that she felt controlled orintimidated by you? What was her side of thestory? Did you ever put your hands on her inanger, or did she ever get a restraining order?” Bythe time he has finished providing his answers, Iusually can tell what happened: He abused thatwoman too.It is fine to commiserate with a man about hisbad experience with a previous partner, but theinstant he uses her as an excuse to mistreat you,stop believing anything he tells you about thatrelationship and instead recognize it as a sign thathe has problems with relating to women. Trackdown his ex-partner and talk with her as soon aspossible, even if you hate her. An abuser canmistreat partner after partner in relationships, each

time believing that the problems are all thewoman’s fault and that he is the real victim.Whether he presents himself as the victim of anex-partner, or of his parents, the abuser’s aim—though perhaps unconscious—is to play on yourcompassion, so that he can avoid dealing with hisproblem.MYTH #3:He’s abusive because he feels sostrongly about me.People cause those they care about mostdeeply the most pain.Excuses along these lines crop up frequently in mygroups for abusive men. My clients say to me,“No one else gets me upset like she does. I just goout of my head sometimes because I have such

strong feelings for her. The things she does reallyhurt me, and nobody else can get under my skinlike that.” Abusers can use this rationalizationsuccessfully with their partners, friends, andrelatives. There is a grain of truth to it: People welove can cause us deeper pain than anyone else.But what does this have to do with abuse?The abuser would like us to accept thefollowing simple but erroneous formula:“FEELINGS CAUSE BEHAVIOR.”“When people feel hurt, they lash out atsomeone else in retaliation. When they feeljealous, they become possessive and accusatory.When they feel controlled, they yell and threaten.”Right?Wrong. Each human being deals with hurt orresentment in a unique way. When you feelinsulted or bullied, you may reach for a chocolatebar. In the same circumstance, I might burst into

tears. Another person may put his or her feelingsquickly into words, confronting the mistreatmentdirectly. Although our feelings can influence howwe wish to act, our choices of how to behave areultimately determined more by our attitudes andour habits. We respond to our emotional woundsbased on what we believe about ourselves, howwe think about the person who has hurt us, andhow we perceive the world. Only in people whoare severely traumatized or who have majormental illnesses is behavior governed by feelings.And only a tiny percentage of abusive men havethese kinds of severe psychological problems.There are other reasons not to accept the “lovecauses abuse” excuse. First, many people reservetheir best behavior and kindest treatment for theirloved ones, including their partners. Should weaccept the idea that these people feel love lessstrongly, or have less passion, than an abuserdoes? Nonsense. Outside of my professional life, Ihave known many couples over the years who had

passion and electricity between them and whotreated each other well. But unfortunately there iswide acceptance in our society of the unhealthynotion that passion and aggression are interwovenand that cruel verbal exchanges and bomblikeexplosions are the price you pay for a relationshipthat is exciting, deep, and sexy. Popular romanticmovies and soap operas sometimes reinforce thisimage.Most abusive men have close relationships withpeople other than their wives or girlfriends. Myclients may feel deep fondness for one or both oftheir parents, a sibling, a dear friend, an aunt oruncle. Do they abuse their other loved ones?Rarely. It isn’t the love or deep affection thatcauses his behavior problem.MYTH #4:He holds in his feelings too much,and they build up until he bursts. He

needs to get in touch with hisemotions and learn to express them toprevent those explosive episodes.My colleagues and I refer to this belief as “TheBoiler Theory of Men.” The idea is that a personcan only tolerate so much accumulated pain andfrustration. If it doesn’t get vented periodically—kind of like a pressure cooker—then there’s boundto be a serious accident. This myth has the ring oftruth to it because we are all aware of how manymen keep too much emotion pent up inside. Sincemost abusers are male, it seems to add up.But it doesn’t, and here’s why: Most of myclients are not unusually repressed. In fact, manyof them express their feelings more than somenonabusive men. Rather than trapping everythinginside, they actually tend to do the opposite: Theyhave an exaggerated idea of how important theirfeelings are, and they talk about their feelings—and act them out—all the time, until their partners

and children are exhausted from hearing about itall. An abuser’s emotions are as likely to be toobig as too small. They can fill up the whole house.When he feels bad, he thinks that life should stopfor everyone else in the family until someone fixeshis discomfort. His partner’s life crises, thechildren’s sicknesses, meals, birthdays—nothingelse matters as much as his feelings.It is not his feelings the abuser is too distantfrom; it is his partner’s feelings and hischildren’s feelings. Those are the emotions that heknows so little about and that he needs to “get intouch with.” My job as an abuse counselor ofteninvolves steering the discussion away from howmy clients feel and toward how they think(including their attitudes toward their partners’feelings). My clients keep trying to drive the ballback into the court that is familiar and comfortableto them, where their inner world is the only thingthat matters.For decades, many therapists have been

attempting to help abusive men change by guidingthem in identifying and expressing feelings. Alas,this well-meaning but misguided approachactually feeds the abuser’s selfish focus onhimself, which is an important force driving hisabusiveness.Part of why you may be tempted to accept “TheBoiler Theory of Men” is that you may observethat your partner follows a pattern where hebecomes increasingly withdrawn, says less andless, seems to be bubbling gradually from asimmer to a boil, and then erupts in a geyser ofyelling, put-downs, and ugliness. It looks like anemotional explosion, so naturally you assume thatit is. But the mounting tension, the pressurecookerbuildup of his feelings, is actually beingdriven by his lack of empathy for your feelings,and by a set of attitudes that we will examinelater. And he explodes when he gives himselfpermission to do so.

MYTH #5:He has a violent, explosivepersonality.He needs to learn to be lessaggressive.Does your partner usually get along reasonablywell with everyone else except you? Is it unusualfor him to verbally abuse other people or to get inphysical fights with men? If he does getaggressive with men, is it usually relatedsomehow to you—for example, getting up in theface of a man who he thinks is checking you out?The great majority of abusive men are fairly calmand reasonable in most of their dealings that areunrelated to their partners. In fact, the partners ofmy clients constantly complain to me: “How comehe can be so nice to everyone else but he has totreat me like dirt?” If a man’s problem were that

he had an “aggressive personality,” he wouldn’tbe able to reserve that side of himself just for you.Many therapists have attempted over the years tolead abusive men toward their more sensitive,vulnerable side. But the sad reality is that plenty ofgentle, sensitive men are viciously—andsometimes violently—abusive to their femalepartners. The two-sided nature of abusers is acentral aspect of the mystery.The societal stereotype of the abuser as arelatively uneducated, blue-collar male adds to theconfusion. The faulty equation goes: “Abusiveequals muscle-bound caveman, which in turnequals lower class.” In addition to the fact thatthis image is an unfair stereotype of working-classmen, it also overlooks the fact that a professionalor college-educated man has roughly the samelikelihood of abusing women as anyone else. Asuccessful businessperson, a college professor, ora sailing instructor may be less likely to adopt atough-guy image with tattoos all over his body but

still may well be a nightmare partner.Class and racial stereotypes permit the moreprivileged members of society to duck the problemof abuse by pretending that it is someone else’sproblem. Their thinking goes: “It’s thoseconstruction-worker guys who never went tocollege; it’s those Latinos; it’s those street toughs—they’re the abusers. Our town, ourneighborhood, isn’t like that. We’re not machomen here.”But women who live with abuse know thatabusers come in all styles and from allbackgrounds. Sometimes the more educated anabuser, the more knots he knows how to tie in awoman’s brain, the better he is at getting her toblame herself, and the slicker is his ability topersuade other people that she is crazy. The moresocially powerful an abuser, the more powerful hisabuse can be—and the more difficult it can be toescape. Two of my early clients were Harvardprofessors.

Some women are attracted to the tough-guyimage, and some can’t stand it. Take your pick.There are ways to tell whether a man is likely toturn abusive, as we will see in Chapter 5, but hisgentle or macho personality style is not one ofthem. (But do beware of one thing: If a manroutinely intimidates people, watch out. Sooner orlater, he will turn his intimidation on you. At firstit may make you feel safe to be with a man whofrightens people, but not when your turn comes.)MYTH #6:He loses control of himself. He justgoes wild.Many years ago, I was interviewing a womannamed Sheila by telephone. She was describingthe rages that my client Michael wouldperiodically have: “He just goes absolutely

erserk, and you never know when he’s going togo off like that. He’ll just start grabbing whateveris around and throwing it. He heaves stuffeverywhere, against the walls, on the floor—it’sjust a mess. And he smashes stuff, importantthings sometimes. Then it’s like the storm justpasses; he calms down; and he leaves for a while.Later he seems kind of ashamed of himself.”I asked Sheila two questions. The first was,when things got broken, were they Michael’s, orhers, or things that belonged to both of them? Sheleft a considerable silence while she thought. Thenshe said, “You know what? I’m amazed that I’venever thought of this, but he only breaks my stuff.I can’t think of one thing he’s smashed thatbelonged to him.” Next, I asked her who cleans upthe mess. She answered that she does.I commented, “See, Michael’s behavior isn’tnearly as berserk as it looks. And if he really feltso remorseful, he’d help clean up.”

QUESTION 2:IS HE DOING IT ON PURPOSE?When a client of mine tells me that he becameabusive because he lost control of himself, I askhim why he didn’t do something even worse. Forexample, I might say, “You called her a fuckingwhore, you grabbed the phone out of her hand andwhipped it across the room, and then you gave hera shove and she fell down. There she was at yourfeet, where it would have been easy to kick her inthe head. Now, you have just finished telling methat you were ‘totally out of control’ at that time,but you didn’t kick her. What stopped you?” Andthe client can always give me a reason. Here aresome common explanations:“I wouldn’t want to cause her a seriousinjury.”

“I realized one of the children was watching.”“I was afraid someone would call the police.”“I could kill her if I did that.”“The fight was getting loud, and I was afraidneighbors would hear.”And the most frequent response of all:“Jesus, I wouldn’t do that. I would never dosomething like that to her.”The response that I almost never heard—Iremember hearing it twice in fifteen years—was:“I don’t know.”These ready answers strip the cover off of myclients’ loss-of-control excuse. While a man is onan abusive rampage, verbally or physically, hismind maintains awareness of a number ofquestions: “Am I doing something that other

people could find out about, so it could make melook bad? Am I doing anything that could get mein legal trouble? Could I get hurt myself? Am Idoing anything that I myself consider too cruel,gross, or violent?”A critical insight seeped into me from workingwith my first few dozen clients: An abuseralmost never does anything that he himself considers morally unacceptable. He may hide whathe does because he thinks other people woulddisagree with it, but he feels justified inside. Ican’t remember a client ever having said to me:“There’s no way I can defend what I did. It wasjust totally wrong.” He invariably has a reasonthat he considers good enough. In short, anabuser’s core problem is that he has a distortedsense of right and wrong.I sometimes ask my clients the followingquestion: “How many of you have ever felt angryenough at your mother to get the urge to call her abitch?” Typically, half or more of the group

members raise their hands. Then I ask, “Howmany of you have ever acted on that urge?” All thehands fly down, and the men cast appalled gazeson me, as if I had just asked whether they selldrugs outside elementary schools. So then I ask,“Well, why haven’t you?” The same answershoots out from the men each time I do thisexercise: “But you can’t treat your mother likethat, no matter how angry you are! You just don’tdo that!”The unspoken remainder of this statement,which we can fill in for my clients, is: “But youcan treat your wife or girlfriend like that, as longas you have a good enough reason. That’sdifferent.” In other words, the abuser’s problemlies above all in his belief that controlling orabusing his female partner is justifiable. Thisinsight has tremendous implications for howcounseling work with abusers has to be done, aswe will see.When I was new to counseling abusive men,

my own loss-of-control myth collided repeatedlywith the realities contained in the stories of myearly clients. Kenneth admitted that he used todim the lights and then insist to Jennifer thatnothing had changed, trying to make her feelcrazy. (He also stands out in my mind for hisoutspoken criticisms of his group mates for theirinsensitivity toward their partners, despite his ownactions.) James told me that he sometimes wouldhide something his partner was looking for, suchas her pocketbook or car keys, wait for her tobecome frantic and frustrated looking for it, andthen put it back out in plain view and insist that ithad been there all along. Mario measured thedistance from his house to the supermarket, andwhen his wife reported going out to shop duringthe day, he would check the odometer of her car tomake sure she hadn’t gone anywhere else.One year my colleagues David and Carole werepreparing a skit on abuse for a conference, andthey decided to perform a rehearsal for their

abuser group. Afterward, the group membersrapid-fired their suggestions for improving theskit, directing them mostly at David: “No, no, youdon’t make excuses for why you’re home late, thatputs you on the defensive, you’ve got to turn itaround on her, tell her you know she’s cheating onyou.…You’re staying too far away from her,David. Take a couple of steps toward her, so she’llknow that you mean business.…You’re lettinghersay too much. You’ve got to cut her off andstick to your points.” The counselors were struckby how aware the clients were of the kinds oftactics they use, and why they use them: In theexcitement of giving feedback on the skit, the menlet down their facade as “out-of-control abuserwho doesn’t realize what he’s doing.”As we review the stories of my clientsthroughout this book, you will observe over andover the degree of consciousness that goes intotheir cruel and controlling actions. At the sametime, I don’t want to make abusive men sound

evil. They don’t calculate and plan out every movethey make—though they use forethought moreoften than you would expect. It isn’t that each timean abuser sweeps a pile of newspapers onto thefloor or throws a cup against the wall he hasdetermined ahead of time to take that course. For amore accurate model, think of an abuser as anacrobat in a circus ring who does “go wild” tosome extent but who never forgets where thelimits are.When one of my clients says to me, “Iexploded” or “I just lost it,” I ask him to go stepby step in his mind through the moments leadingup to his abusive behavior. I ask, “Did you really‘just explode,’ or did you actually decide at onepoint to give yourself the green light? Wasn’t therea moment when you decided you ‘had hadenough’ or you ‘weren’t going to take it anymore,’and at that instant you gave yourself permission,setting yourself free to do what you felt likedoing?” Then I see a flicker of recognition cross

my client’s eyes, and usually he admits that thereis indeed a moment at which he turns himselfloose to begin the horror show.Even the physically violent abuser shows selfcontrol.The moment police pull up in front of thehouse, for example, he usually calms downimmediately, and when the officers enter, hespeaks to them in a friendly and reasonable tone.Police almost never find a fight in progress by thetime they get in the door. Ty, a physical battererwho now counsels other men, describes in atraining video how he would snap out of his ragewhen the police pulled up in front of the house andwould sweet-talk the police, “telling them whatshe had done. Then they would look at her, andshe’d be the one who was totally out of control,because I had just degraded her and put her infear. I’d say to the police, ‘See, it isn’t me.’” Tymanaged to escape arrest repeatedly with his calmdemeanor and claims of self-defense.

MYTH #7:He’s too angry. He needs to learnanger-management skills.A few years ago, the partner of one of my clientswent through an ordeal where her twelve-year-oldson (from a previous marriage) disappeared formore than forty-eight hours. For two days MaryBeth’s heart was beating faster and faster as shedrove around town looking for her son, madepanicked phone calls to everyone she knew, anddropped her son’s photograph at policedepartments, newspapers, and radio stations. Shebarely slept. Meanwhile her new husband, Ray,who was in one of my groups, was slowlybuilding to a boil inside. Toward the end of thesecond day he finally burst out yelling at her, “Iam so sick of being ignored by you! It’s like Idon’t even exist! Go fuck yourself!”When people conclude that anger causes abuse,

they are confusing cause and effect. Ray was notabusive because he was angry; he was angrybecause he was abusive. Abusers carry attitudesthat produce fury. A nonabusive man would notexpect his wife to be taking emotional care of himduring a crisis of this gravity. In fact, he would befocused on what he could do for her and on tryingto find the child. It would be futile to teach Ray totake a time-out to punch pillows, take a briskwalk, or concentrate on deep breathing, becausehis thinking process will soon get him enragedagain. In Chapter 3, you will see how and why anabuser’s attitudes keep him furious.When a new client says to me, “I’m in yourprogram because of my anger,” I respond, “Noyou’re not, you’re here because of your abuse.”Everybody gets angry. In fact, most people have atleast occasional times when they are too angry,out of proportion to the actual event or beyondwhat is good for their health. Some givethemselves ulcers and heart attacks and

hypertension. But they don’t necessarily abusetheir partners. In Chapter 3, we’ll take a look atwhy abusive men tend to be so angry—and why atthe same time their anger isn’t really the mainproblem.The abuser’s explosive anger can divert yourattention from all the disrespect, irresponsibility,talking over you, lying, and other abusive andcontrolling behaviors that he exhibits even attimes when he isn’t especially upset. Is it angerthat causes such a high proportion of abusers tocheat on their partners? Does an abuser’s ragecause him to conceal for years the fact that aformer girlfriend went into hiding to get awayfrom him? Is it a form of explosiveness when yourpartner pressures you into dropping yourfriendships and spending less time with yoursiblings? No. Perhaps his loudest, most obvious,or most intimidating forms of abuse come outwhen he’s angry, but his deeper pattern isoperating all the time.

MYTH #8:He’s crazy. He’s got some mentalillness that he should be medicatedfor.When a man’s face contorts in bitterness andhatred, he looks a little insane. When his moodchanges from elated to assaultive in the time ittakes to turn around, his mental stability seemsopen to question. When he accuses his partner ofplotting to harm him, he seems paranoid. It is nowonder that the partner of an abusive man wouldcome to suspect that he was mentally ill.Yet the great majority of my clients over theyears have been psychologically “normal.” Theirminds work logically; they understand cause andeffect; they don’t hallucinate. Their perceptions ofmost life circumstances are reasonably accurate.They get good reports at work; they do well in

school or training programs; and no one other thantheir partners—and children—thinks that there isanything wrong with them. Their value system isunhealthy, not their psychology.Much of what appears to be crazy behavior inan abuser actually works well for him. We alreadymet Michael, who never broke his own stuff, andMarshall, who did not believe his own jealousaccusations. In the pages ahead, you willencounter many more examples of the methodbehind the abuser’s madness. You will also learnhow distorted his view of his partner is—whichcan make him appear emotionally disturbed—andwhere those distortions spring from.The most recent research shows that even inphysically violent abusers the rate of mentalillness is not high. Several of my brutal batteringclients have had psychological evaluations, andonly one of them was found to have a mentalillness. At the same time, some of my clientswhom I have believed to be truly insane have not

necessarily been among the most violent.Research does indicate that the most extremephysical batterers—the ones who choke theirpartners to unconsciousness, who hold guns totheir heads, who stalk and kill—have increasedrates of mental illness. But there is no particularmental health condition that is typical of thesesevere batterers; they can have a range ofdiagnoses, including psychosis, borderlinepersonality, manic depression, antisocialpersonality, obsessive-compulsive disorder, andothers. (And, even among the most dangerousabusers, there are many who do not show clearpsychiatric symptoms of any kind.)How can all these different mental illnessescause such similar behavioral patterns? Theanswer is, they don’t. Mental illness doesn’t causeabusiveness any more than alcohol does. Whathappens is rather that the man’s psychiatricproblem interacts with his abusiveness to form avolatile combination. If he is severely depressed,

for example, he may stop caring about theconsequences his actions may cause him to suffer,which can increase the danger that he will decideto commit a serious attack against his partner orchildren. A mentally ill abuser has two separate—though interrelated—problems, just as thealcoholic or drug-addicted one does.The basic reference book for psychiatricconditions, the Diagnostic and Statistical Manualof Mental Disorders (DSM-IV), includes nocondition that fits abusive men well. Someclinicians will stretch one of the definitions toapply it to an abusive client—“intermittentexplosive disorder,” for example—so thatinsurance will cover his therapy. However, thisdiagnosis is erroneous if it is made solely on thebasis of his abusive behavior; a man whosedestructive behaviors are confined primarily orentirely to intimate relationships is an abuser, nota psychiatric patient.Two final points about mental illness: First, I

occasionally hear someone who is discussing aviolent abuser say, “He must be delusional tothink he can get away with this.” But,unfortunately, it often turns out that he can getaway with it, as we discuss in Chapter 12, so hisbelief is not a delusion at all. Second, I havereceived just a few reports of cases in which anabuser’s behavior has improved for a while as aresult of taking medication prescribed by apsychiatrist. His overall abusiveness hasn’tstopped, but the most devastating or terrifyingbehaviors have eased. Medication is not a longtermsolution, however, for two important reasons:1. Abusers don’t like to be medicatedbecause they tend to be too selfish to putup with the side effects, no matter howmuch the improvement may benefit theirpartners, so they almost always quit themedication after a few months. Themedication then can become another

tool to be used in psychological abuse.For example, the abuser can stop takinghis pills when he is upset with her,knowing that this will make her anxiousand afraid. Or when he wants to strikeout at her dramatically he maydeliberately overdose himself, creating amedical crisis.2. No medication yet discovered will turnan abuser into a loving, considerate,appropriate partner. It will just take theedge off his absolute worst behaviors—if it even does that. If your abusivepartner is taking medication, be awarethat you are only buying time. Takeadvantage of the (more) peaceful periodto get support in your own healing.Begin by calling a program for abusedwomen.

MYTH #9He hates women. His mother, orsome other woman, must have donesomething terrible to him.The notion that abusive men hate women waspopularized by Susan Forward’s book Men WhoHate Women and the Women Who Love Them.Dr. Forward’s descriptions of abusive men are themost accurate ones I have read, but she wasmistaken on one point: Most abusers don’t hatewomen. They often have close relationships withtheir mothers, or sisters, or female friends. A fairnumber are able to work successfully with afemale boss and respect her authority, at leastoutwardly.Disrespect for women certainly is rampantamong abusive men, with attitudes toward womenthat fall on a continuum from those who caninteract fairly constructively with most women (as

long as they are not intimately involved withthem) to men who are misogynists and treat mostwomen they encounter with superiority andcontempt. In general, I find that my clients’ viewthat their partners should cater to their needs andare not worthy of being taken seriously doesindeed carry over into how they view otherfemales, including their own daughters. But, aswe will see in Chapter 13, the disrespect thatabusive men so often direct toward women ingeneral tends to be born of their cultural valuesand conditioning rather than personal experiencesof being victimized by women. Some abusive menuse the excuse that their behavior is a response tosuch victimization because they want to be able tomake women responsible for men’s abuse. It isimportant to note that research has shown thatmen who have abusive mothers do not tend todevelop especially negative attitudes towardfemales, but men who have abusive fathers do;the disrespect that abusive men show their female

partners and their daughters is often absorbed bytheir sons.So while a small number of abusive men dohate women, the great majority exhibit a moresubtle—though often quite pervasive—sense ofsuperiority or contempt toward females, and somedon’t show any obvious signs of problems withwomen at all until they are in a seriousrelationship.MYTH #10:He is afraid of intimacy andabandonment.Abusive men are often jealous and possessive, andtheir coercive and destructive behaviors canescalate when their partners attempt to break upwith them. Some psychologists have glancedquickly at this pattern and concluded that abusers

have an extreme fear of abandonment. But manypeople, both male and female, are afraid ofabandonment and may reel from panic,heartbreak, or desperation when being left by apartner. If a person’s panicked reaction to beingleft could cause threats, stalking, or murder, ourentire society would be a war zone. Butpostseparation homicides of intimate partners arecommitted almost exclusively by men (and there isalmost always a history of abuse before thebreakup). If fear of abandonment causespostseparation abuse, why are the statistics solopsided? Do women have a much easier timewith abandonment than men do? No, of coursenot. (We’ll examine the real causes of the extremebehaviors some abusers use postseparation inChapter 9.)A close cousin of the abandonment myth is thebelief that abusive men “are afraid of intimacy,”which attempts to explain why most abusersmistreat only their partners and why most are

male. According to this theory, the abuser uses hisperiodic cruelty to keep his partner from gettingtoo close to him emotionally, a behavior which, inthe language of psychologists, is called mediatingthe intimacy.But there are several holes in this theory. First,abusive men usually have their worst incidentsafter a period of mounting tension and distance,not at the moments of greatest closeness. Somekeep their emotional distance all the time so therelationship never gets close enough to trigger anyfears of intimacy they might have, yet the abusecontinues. Wife abuse occurs just as severely insome cultures where there is no expectation ofintimacy between husbands and wives, wheremarriage has nothing to do with real emotionalconnection. And, finally, there are plenty of menwho have powerful fears of intimacy who don’tabuse or control their partners—because theydon’t have an abusive mentality.

MYTH #11:He suffers from low self-esteem. Heneeds his self-image shored up.QUESTION 3:IS IT BECAUSE HE FEELSBAD ABOUT HIMSELF?An abused woman tends to pour preciousenergy into supporting her abusive partner andmassaging his ego, hoping against hope that if heis kept well stroked his next explosion might beaverted. How well does this strategy work?Unfortunately, not very. You can’t manage anabuser except for brief periods. Praising him andboosting his self-opinion may buy you some time,but sooner or later he’ll jump back into chewingpieces out of you. When you try to improve an

abuser’s feelings about himself, his problemactually tends to get worse. An abusive manexpects catering, and the more positive attentionhe receives, the more he demands. He neverreaches a point where he is satisfied, where he hasbeen given enough. Rather, he gets used to theluxurious treatment he is receiving and soonescalates his demands.My colleagues and I discovered this dynamicthrough a mistake we made in the early years ofabuse work. A few times we asked clients whohad made outstanding progress in our program tobe interviewed on television or to speak to a groupof high school students because we thought thepublic could benefit from hearing an abuser speakin his own words about his behaviors and hisprocess of change. But we found that each time wegave a client public attention, he had a badincident of mistreating his partner within a fewdays thereafter. Feeling like a star and a changedman, his head swelled from all the attention he

had been given, he would go home and rip into hispartner with accusations and put-downs. So wehad to stop taking our clients to publicappearances.The self-esteem myth is rewarding for anabuser, because it gets his partner, his therapist,and others to cater to him emotionally. Imaginethe privileges an abusive man may acquire:getting his own way most of the time, having hispartner bend over backward to keep him happy sohe won’t explode, getting to behave as he pleases,and then on top of it all, he gets praise for what agood person he is, and everyone is trying to helphim feel better about himself!Certainly an abuser can be remorseful orashamed after being cruel or scary to his partner,especially if any outsider has seen what he did.But those feelings are a result of his abusivebehavior, not a cause. And as a relationshipprogresses, the abusive man tends to get morecomfortable with his own behavior and the

emorse dies out, suffocated under the weight ofhis justifications. He may get nasty if he doesn’treceive the frequent compliments, reassurance,and deference he feels he deserves, but thisreaction is not rooted in feelings of inferiority; infact, the reality is almost the opposite, as we willsee.Think for a just a moment about how yourpartner’s degrading and bullying behavior hashurt your self-esteem. Have you suddenly turnedinto a cruel and explosive person? If low selfesteemisn’t an excuse for you to become abusive,then it’s no excuse for him either.MYTH #12:His boss abuses him, so he feelspowerless and unsuccessful.He comes home and takes it out onhis family because that is the one

place he can feel powerful.I call this myth “boss abuses man, man abuseswoman, woman abuses children, children hit dog,dog bites cat.” The image it creates seemsplausible, but too many pieces fail to fit. Hundredsof my clients have been popular, successful, goodlookingmen, not the downtrodden looking for ascapegoat for their inner torment. Some of theworst abusers I have worked with have been at thetop of the management ladder—with no boss toblame. The more power these men have in theirjobs, the more catering and submission theyexpect at home. Several of my clients have toldme: “I have to order people around where I work,so I have trouble snapping out of that mode whenI get home.” So while some abusers use the “meanboss” excuse, others use the opposite.The most important point is this one: In myfifteen years in the field of abuse, I have neveronce had a client whose behavior at home has

improved because his job situation improved.MYTH #13:He has poor communication,conflict-resolution, and stressmanagementskills. He needstraining.An abusive man is not unable to resolve conflictsnonabusively; he is unwilling to do so. The skilldeficits of abusers have been the subject of anumber of research studies, and the results lead tothe following conclusion: Abusers have normalabilities in conflict resolution, communication,and assertiveness when they choose to use them.They typically get through tense situations at workwithout threatening anyone; they manage theirstress without exploding when they spendThanksgiving with their parents; they share openly

with their siblings regarding their sadness over agrandparent’s death. But they don’t want tohandle these kinds of issues nonabusively when itinvolves their partners. You can equip an abuserwith the most innovative, New Age skills forexpressing his deep emotions, listening actively,and using win-win bargaining, and then he will gohome and continue abusing. In the comingchapter, we’ll see why.MYTH #14:There are just as many abusivewomen as abusive men.Abused men are invisible becausethey are ashamed to tell.There certainly are some women who treat theirmale partners badly, berating them, calling themnames, attempting to control them. The negative

impact on these men’s lives can be considerable.But do we see men whose self-esteem is graduallydestroyed through this process? Do we see menwhose progress in school or in their careers grindsto a halt because of the constant criticism andundermining? Where are the men whose partnersare forcing them to have unwanted sex? Where arethe men who are fleeing to shelters in fear for theirlives? How about the ones who try to get to aphone to call for help, but the women block theirway or cut the line? The reason we don’t generallysee these men is simple: They’re rare.I don’t question how embarrassing it would befor a man to come forward and admit that awoman is abusing him. But don’t underestimatehow humiliated a woman feels when she revealsabuse; women crave dignity just as much as mendo. If shame stopped people from coming forward,no one would tell.Even if abused men didn’t want to comeforward, they would have been discovered by now.

Neighbors don’t turn a deaf ear to abuse the waythey might have ten or twenty years ago. Now,when people hear screaming, objects smashingagainst walls, loud slaps landing on skin, they callthe police. Among my physically abusive clients,nearly one-third have been arrested as a result of acall to the police that came from someone otherthan the abused woman. If there were millions ofcowed, trembling men out there, the police wouldbe finding them. Abusive men commonly like toplay the role of victim, and most men who claimto be “battered men” are actually the perpetratorsof violence, not the victims.In their efforts to adopt victim status, my clientstry to exaggerate their partners’ verbal power:“Sure, I can win a physical fight, but she is muchbetter with her mouth than I am, so I’d say itbalances out.” (One very violent man said in hisgroup session, “She stabs me through the heartwith her words,” to justify the fact that he hadstabbed his partner in the chest with a knife.) But

abuse is not a battle that you win by being betterat expressing yourself. You win it by being betterat sarcasm, put-downs, twisting everything aroundbackward, and using other tactics of control—anarena in which my clients win hands down overtheir partners, just as they do in a violentaltercation. Who can beat an abuser at his owngame?Men can be abused by other men, however, andwomen can be abused by women, sometimesthrough means that include physical intimidationor violence. If you are a gay man or lesbian whohas been abused by a partner or who is facingabuse now, most of what I explain in this bookwill ring loud bells for you. The “he and she”language that I use obviously won’t fit yourexperience, but the underlying dynamics that Idescribe largely will. We’ll explore this issuefurther in Chapter 6.MYTH #15:

Abuse is as bad for the man who isdoing it as it is for his partner. Theyare both victims.My clients get over the pain of the abuse incidentsfar, far faster than their partners do. Recall Dalefrom Chapter 1, who insisted to me that the firstten years of his marriage had gone swimmingly,while Maureen recounted ten years of insults andcruelty? Certainly abusing one’s partner is not ahealthy lifestyle, but the negative effects don’thold a candle to the emotional and physical pain,loss of freedom, self-blame, and numerous othershadows that abuse casts over the life of its femaletarget. Unlike alcoholics or addicts, abusive mendon’t “hit bottom.” They can continue abusing fortwenty or thirty years, and their careers remainsuccessful, their health stays normal, theirfriendships endure. As we’ll see in Chapter 6,abusers actually tend to benefit in many waysfrom their controlling behaviors. An abuser can

usually outperform his victim on psychologicaltests, such as the ones that are routinely requiredduring custody disputes, because he isn’t the onewho has been traumatized by years ofpsychological or physical assault. No one wholistens carefully to the tragic accounts of abusedwomen and then sees the abusers each week at acounseling group, as my colleagues and I havedone, could be fooled into believing that life isequally hard for the men.MYTH #16:He is abusive because he has facedso much societal discrimination anddisempowerment as a man of color,so at home he needs to feel powerful.I address this myth in detail in Chapter 6 under“Racial and Cultural Differences in Abuse,” so

here I offer only a brief overview. First, a majorityof abusive men are white, many of them welleducated and economically privileged, sodiscrimination couldn’t be a central cause ofpartner abuse. Second, if a man has experiencedoppression himself, it could just as easily makehim more sympathetic to a woman’s distress asless so, as is true for childhood abuse (see Myth#1). And in fact there are men of color among themost visible leaders in the United States in themovement against the abuse of women. So whilediscrimination against people of color is a terriblyserious problem today, it should not be acceptedas an excuse for abusing women.MYTH #17:The alcohol is what makes himabusive. If I can get him to stay sober,our relationship will be fine.

So many men hide their abusiveness under thecover of alcoholism or drug addiction that I havechosen to devote Chapter 8 to explore the issue ofaddiction in detail. The most important point to beaware of is this: Alcohol cannot create an abuser,and sobriety cannot cure one. The only way a mancan overcome his abusiveness is by dealing withhis abusiveness. And you are not “enabling” yourpartner to mistreat you; he is entirely responsiblefor his own actions.WE HAVE NOW COMPLETED our tour througha museum of myths about abusive men. You mayfind it difficult to leave these misconceptionsbehind. I was attached to my own myths yearsago, but the abusers themselves kept forcing me tolook at the realities, even as they stubbornlyavoided doing so themselves. If you are involvedwith a man who bullies you or cuts you down,perhaps you feel even more confused than you didbefore reading this chapter. You may be thinking,

“But if his problem doesn’t spring from thesesources, where does it come from?”So our next step is to carefully weave backtogether the tangled strands we have justunraveled, to form a coherent picture. As we doso, you will gradually find yourself relieved toleave these eye-bending distortions behind. Anenergizing clarity can then take their place, andthe mystery that abusers work so hard to createwill vanish.KEY POINTS TO REMEMBERAn abusive man’s emotional problemsdo not cause his abusiveness. You can’tchange him by figuring out what isbothering him, helping him feel better, orimproving the dynamics of yourrelationship.Feelings do not govern abusive or

controlling behavior; beliefs, values, andhabits are the driving forces.The reasons that an abusive man givesfor his behavior are simply excuses.There is no way to overcome a problemwith abusiveness by focusing on tangentssuch as self-esteem, conflict resolution,anger management, or impulse control.Abusiveness is resolved by dealing withabusiveness.Abusers thrive on creating confusion,including confusion about the abuseitself.There is nothing wrong with you. Yourpartner’s abuse problem is his own.

3The Abusive MentalityHis attitude always seems to be: “Youowe me.”He manages to twist everything aroundso that it’s my fault.I feel suffocated by him. He’s trying torun my life.Everyone seems to think he’s thegreatest guy in the world. I wish theycould see the side of him that I have tolive with.He says he loves me so much. So whydoes he treat me like this?

CHRONIC MISTREATMENT gets people todoubt themselves. Children of abusive parentsknow that something is wrong, but they suspectthe badness is inside of them. Employees of anabusive boss spend much of their time feeling thatthey are doing a lousy job, that they should besmarter and work harder. Boys who get bulliedfeel that they should be stronger or less afraid tofight.When I work with an abused woman, my firstgoal is to help her to regain trust in herself; to gether to rely on her own perceptions, to listen to herown internal voices. You don’t really need an“expert” on abuse to explain your life to you; whatyou do need above all is some support andencouragement to hold on to your own truth. Yourabusive partner wants to deny your experience. Hewants to pluck your view of reality out of yourhead and replace it with his. When someone hasinvaded your identity in this way enough times,you naturally start to lose your balance. But you

can find your way back to center.An abuser creates a host of misconceptions toget his partner to doubt herself and to make itpossible for him to lead her down dead-end paths.Having dispelled those myths, we can now zero inon the roots of his steamrolling style. I believe youwill recognize them.The insights I share in the pages ahead havebeen taught to me primarily by the abused womenthemselves who are the experts on abuse. Myother teachers have been my abusive clients, wholead us toward clarity each time that theyaccidentally reveal their true thinking.REALITY #1:He is controlling.My client Glenn arrived angry and agitated for hisgroup session one night. His words spilled out

apidly:Harriet started yelling at me on Friday afternoonand told me she is going to move out soon.Then she left for the whole weekend and tookmy two-year-old son with her. She really hurtme. So I decided to hurt her too, and I wanted togo after something that was really important toher, to show her what it’s like. She had beenworking for a week on this college paper thatshe had put a lot of hours into and was going tohand in on Monday. She left it sitting right ontop of her dresser, just asking for it. So I tore itup into little pieces. Then I ripped up a bunch ofpictures of the three of us, and I left it all in anice pile on the bed for her to come home to. Ithink she learned something from that.Glenn was remarkably honest with me abouthis thought process and his motives, probablybecause of how justified he felt. He believed in hisright to control his partner’s actions; he expected

his word to be the last word; and he did not acceptdefiance. He considered it his right to punishHarriet—in the most severe way he could think of—if she took steps to recover ownership of herlife. He talked proudly of how he had “allowed”her various freedoms while they were together, asif he were her parent, and defended his right toremove her privileges when he thought the timehad come.Control comes in many different forms. A fewof my clients have been so extremely controllingthey could have passed for military commanders.Russell, for example, went so far as to require hischildren to do calisthenics each morning beforeschool. His wife was not allowed to speak toanyone without his permission, and he wouldorder her back to her room to change clothes in themorning if he didn’t approve of her outfit. Atdinnertime, he would sit back and comment like arestaurant reviewer on the strengths andweaknesses of what she had prepared and would

periodically instruct her to go to the kitchen to getthings for the children, as if she were a waitress.Russell’s style was at one end of the spectrumof controlling behavior, however. Most of myclients stake out specific turf to control, like anexplorer claiming land, rather than trying to runeverything. One abuser may be fanatical abouthaving to win every argument but leave hispartner alone about what she wears. Another manmay permit his partner to argue with him aboutthe children, for example, but if she refuses to lethim change the TV station when he wants, watchout. (Dozens of my clients have thrown orsmashed remote controls; the television is tightlycontrolled by many abusers.) One abuser will havea curfew for his partner, while another will allowhis partner to come and go as she pleases—aslong as she makes his meals and does his laundry.THE SPHERES OF CONTROL

An abusive man’s control generally falls into oneor more of the following central spheres:ARGUMENTS AND DECISION MAKINGAn intimate relationship involves a steady flow ofdecisions to be made, conflicting needs tonegotiate, tastes and desires to balance. Who isgoing to clean up the mess in the kitchen? Howmuch time should we spend alone together andhow much with other friends? Where do our otherhobbies and interests fit into our priorities? Howwill we process and resolve annoyances or hurtfeelings? What rules will we have for ourchildren?The mind-set that an abuser brings to thesechoices and tensions can make him impossible toget along with. Consider how challenging it is tonegotiate or compromise with a man who operateson the following tenets (whether or not he eversays them aloud):1. “An argument should only last as long

as my patience does. Once I’ve hadenough, the discussion is over and it’stime for you to shut up.”2. “If the issue we’re struggling over isimportant to me, I should get what Iwant. If you don’t back off, you’rewronging me.”3. “I know what is best for you and for ourrelationship. If you continue disagreeingwith me after I’ve made it clear whichpath is the right one, you’re actingstupid.”4. “If my control and authority seem to beslipping, I have the right to take steps toreestablish the rule of my will, includingabuse if necessary.”The last item on this list is the one that mostdistinguishes the abuser from other people:Perhaps any of us can slip into having feelingslike the ones in numbers one through three, but the

abuser gives himself permission to take action onthe basis of his beliefs. With him, the foregoingstatements aren’t feelings; they are closely heldconvictions that he uses to guide his actions. Thatis why they lead to so much bullying behavior.PERSONAL FREEDOMAn abusive man often considers it his right tocontrol where his partner goes, with whom sheassociates, what she wears, and when she needs tobe back home. He therefore feels that she shouldbe grateful for any freedoms that he does chooseto grant her, and will say something in acounseling session like, “She’s all bent out ofshape because there’s one sleazy girl I don’t lether hang out with, when all the rest of the time Iallow her to be friends with anyone she wants.”He expects his partner to give him a medal for hisgenerosity, not to criticize him for hisoppressiveness. He sees himself as a reasonablypermissive parent—toward his adult partner—andhe does not want to meet with a lot of resistance

on the occasions when he believes that he needs toput his foot down.Sometimes this control is exercised throughwearing the woman down with constant low-levelcomplaints, rather than through yelling or barkingorders. The abuser may repeatedly make negativecomments about one of his partner’s friends, forexample, so that she gradually stops seeing heracquaintance to save herself the hassle. In fact, shemight even believe it was her own decision, notnoticing how her abuser pressured her into it.Is the abusive man’s thinking distorted?Certainly. A man’s partner is not his child, andthe freedoms he “grants” her are not credits to bespent like chips when the urge to control herarises. But his rules make sense to him, and hewill fight to hang on to them.PARENTINGIf the couple has children, the abusive mantypically considers himself the authority onparenting, even if he contributes little to the actual

work of looking after them. He sees himself as awise and benevolent head coach who watchespassively from the sidelines during the easy timesbut steps in with the “correct” approach when hispartner isn’t handling the children properly. Hisarrogance about the superiority of his parentingjudgment may be matched only by how little hetruly understands, or pays attention to, thechildren’s needs. No matter how good a motherhis partner is, he thinks she needs to learn fromhim, not the other way around.THE ABUSIVE MAN CLAIMS that his controlis in his partner’s best interest. This justificationwas captured by my client Vinnie:Olga and I were driving in a really badneighborhood. We were arguing, and she gotcrazy the way she does and started trying to getout of the car. It was dark. This was the kind ofplace where anything could happen to her. I told

her to stay in the car, that she wasn’t getting outin a place like this, but she kept trying to pushthe door open. I couldn’t get her to stop, so Ifinally had to slap her in the arm, andunfortunately she hit her head against thewindow. But at least that got her to settle downand stay in the car.Does Vinnie really believe that he is abusinghis partner for her own good? Yes and no. Tosome extent he does, because he has convincedhimself. But his real motivation is plain to see:Olga wants out of the car in order to escapeVinnie’s control, and he wants to make sure shecan’t.Unfortunately, an abuser can sometimessucceed at convincing people that his partner is soirrational and out of control, that her judgment isso poor, that she has to be saved from herself.Never believe a man’s claim that he has to harmhis partner in order to protect her; only abusers

think this way.When a man starts my program, he often says,“I am here because I lose control of myselfsometimes. I need to get a better grip.” I alwayscorrect him: “Your problem is not that you losecontrol of yourself, it’s that you take control ofyour partner. In order to change, you don’tneed to gain control over yourself, you need tolet go of control of her.” A large part of hisabusiveness comes in the form of punishmentsused to retaliate against you for resisting hiscontrol. This is one of the single most importantconcepts to grasp about an abusive man.REALITY #2:He feels entitled.Entitlement is the abuser’s belief that he has aspecial status and that it provides him with

exclusive rights and privileges that do not apply tohis partner. The attitudes that drive abuse canlargely be summarized by this one word.To understand entitlement, we first need to lookat how rights should properly be conceived of in acouple or family.The man’s rights and the woman’s rights arethe same size. They have the right to have theiropinions and desires respected, to have a 50percent say in decision making, to live free fromverbal abuse and physical harm. Their children’srights are somewhat smaller but substantialnonetheless; children can’t have an equal say indecisions because of their limited knowledge andexperience, but they do have the right to live freefrom abuse and fear, to be treated with respect,and to have their voices heard on all issues thatconcern them. However, an abuser perceives the

ights of the family like this:Not only are the rights of his partner andchildren diminished—with some abusers thoselittle circles disappear altogether—but his rightsare greatly inflated. My fundamental task as acounselor is to get the abusive man to expand hisperception of his partner’s and children’s rights totheir proper size and to shrink his view of his ownrights down to where it belongs. The abusive manawards himself all kinds of “rights,” including:Physical caretakingEmotional caretakingSexual caretakingDeferenceFreedom from accountability

Physical caretaking is the focus of the moretraditionally minded abuser. He expects hispartner to make dinner for him the way he likes it,look after the children, clean the house, andperform an endlessly continuing list of additionaltasks. He sees her essentially as an unpaid servant.He grouches, “I work my butt off all day, andwhen I come home I expect a little peace andquiet. Is that too much to ask for?” He seems toexpect a soft chair, a newspaper, and a footstool.On the weekends he expects everything in thehome to be taken care of so that he can watchsports or tinker with his car, go golfing or birdwatching, or sleep. If she doesn’t fulfill her myriadhousehold responsibilities to his satisfaction, hefeels entitled to dole out harsh criticism.Although this style of abuser may seem out ofdate, he is alive and well. He did learn to use someprettier packaging for his regal expectationsduring the ’80s and ’90s, but the change issuperficial. Fewer abusers look me in the eye

nowadays and say, “I expect a warm, tasty dinneron the table when I come home,” but they maystill explode if it isn’t there.Interwoven with the abuser’s overvaluation ofhis own work is the devaluation of his partner’slabor. My clients grumble to me: “I don’t knowwhat the hell she does all day. I come home andthe house is a mess, the children haven’t been fed,and she’s talking on the telephone. She spends hertime watching soap operas.” If she works outsidethe home—and few families can get by on oneincome—then he insists that her job is easycompared to his. Of course, if he attempts to dowhat she does—for example, if he is the primaryparent for a while because he’s unemployed andshe’s working—he does an abrupt about-face:Suddenly he declares that parenting andhousekeeping are monumental and admirabletasks, requiring hours a day of rest for him torecuperate.Emotional caretaking can be even more

important than homemaking services to themodern abuser. Remember Ray, who swore atMary Beth for “ignoring” him for two days whileshe looked for her missing son? His problem wasthat he believed that nothing—not even a missingchild—should interfere with Mary Beth’s duty tomeet his emotional needs. Just as common as theabuser who blows up because dinner is late is theone who explodes because his partner gets tired oflistening to him talk endlessly about himself, orbecause she wants to spend a little time doingsomething alone that she enjoys, or because shedidn’t drop everything to soothe him when he wasfeeling down, or because she failed to anticipateneeds or desires he hadn’t even expressed.Abusive men often hide their high emotionaldemands by cloaking them as something else. Myclient Bert, for example, would be furious if hisgirlfriend Kirsten didn’t get off the phone as soonas he came in the door. His excuse to tear into herwould be “all the money she’s wasting on the

phone bill when she knows we can’t afford it,” butwe noticed that the issue only arose when hewanted her attention. If she called England whenhe wasn’t around, or if he spent an hour on thephone to his parents every Saturday morning, theexpense was no big deal.When I have new clients, I go to the board anddraw a compass with the needle pointing straightup to a big N. “You want your partner to be thiscompass,” I say to them, “and you want to beNorth. No matter where the compass goes, italways points in the same direction. And nomatter where she goes, or what she’s doing, orwhat’s on her mind, you expect her to always befocused on you.” My clients sometimes protest tome, “But that’s what being in a relationship isabout. We’re supposed to focus on each other.”But I notice that when he focuses on her, most ofwhat he thinks about is what she can do for him,not the other way around. And when he doesn’tfeel like focusing on her at all, he doesn’t bother.

An abuser can seem emotionally needy. Youcan get caught in a trap of catering to him, tryingto fill a bottomless pit. But he’s not so muchneedy as entitled, so no matter how much you givehim, it will never be enough. He will just keepcoming up with more demands because hebelieves his needs are your responsibility, untilyou feel drained down to nothing.Sexual caretaking means that he considers ithis partner’s duty to keep him sexually satisfied.He may not accept having his sexual advancesrejected, yet turn her down whenever he feels likeit. Even her pleasure exists for his benefit: If shedoesn’t reach orgasm, for example, he may resenther for it because he wants the pleasure of seeinghimself as a great lover.Not all abusive men have great interest in sex.Some are too busy with outside relationships oruse substances that diminish their sex drive. Afew are gay, using their female partners forwindow dressing. Some of my clients can feel

attracted to a woman only as part of a dominationfantasy. This style of abuser loses interest in sex ifhis partner starts to assert herself as an equalhuman being deserving of respect, or he begins tocoerce or assault her sexually. In short, he wantssex on his terms or not at all.Deference refers to the abuser’s entitlement tohave his tastes and opinions treated as edicts.Once he has made the pronouncement that acertain movie is shallow, or that Louise was tryingto seduce Jay at the picnic, or that Republicansdon’t know how to manage the economy, hispartner is supposed to accept his viewunquestioningly. It is especially important to himthat she not disagree with him in front of otherpeople; if she does, he may later yell at her, “Youmade me look like a fool, you’re always out toshow me up,” and similar accusations. Hisunstated rule is that she is not to question hisideas.Freedom from accountability means that the

abusive man considers himself above criticism. Ifhis partner attempts to raise her grievances, she is“nagging” or “provoking” him. He believes heshould be permitted to ignore the damage hisbehavior is causing, and he may becomeretaliatory if anyone tries to get him to look at it. Ihad the following exchange with a man who wasnew to my program:NCROFT: Can you explain to me why you arejoining this abuser group?NK: Well, I slapped my girl a few weeks ago,and now she says I can’t come back in the houseunless I get counseling.NCROFT: What led up to your abuse? Were youarguing?NK: Yes. And she accused me of having anaffair! That really pissed me off!

NCROFT: Well, were you having an affair?NK (Pause, a little startled by my question):Well, yeah…but she had no proof! She shouldn’tgo saying things like that when she has no proof!Hank reserved for himself the privilege of beingcritical of his partner, a privilege that he exerciseda great deal. Complaints against him, includingdrawing any attention to how his behavior hadhurt other people in the family, he was quick tostifle. In Hank’s case, the retaliation took the formof a physical assault.The abusive man’s high entitlement leads himto have unfair and unreasonable expectations, sothat the relationship revolves around his demands.His attitude is: “You owe me.” For each ounce hegives, he wants a pound in return. He wants hispartner to devote herself fully to catering to him,even if it means that her own needs—or herchildren’s—get neglected. You can pour all yourenergy into keeping your partner content, but if he

has this mind-set, he’ll never be satisfied for long.And he will keep feeling that you are controllinghim, because he doesn’t believe that you shouldset any limits on his conduct or insist that he meethis responsibilities.Many men feel specifically entitled to useviolence. A recent study of college males studyingpsychology, published in 1997, found that 10percent believed that it was acceptable to hit afemale partner for refusing to have sex, and 20percent believed that it was acceptable to do so ifthe man suspected her of cheating. Studies havefound similar statistics regarding young men’sbelief that they have the right to force a female tohave sex if they have spent a substantial amount ofmoney on the evening’s entertainment or if thewoman started wanting sex but then changed hermind. These studies point to the importance offocusing on changing the entitled attitudes ofabusers, rather than attempting to find somethingwrong in their individual psychology.

THE ABUSER’S OUTLOOK ON THEWOMAN’S ANGERThe abusive man’s problem with anger is almostthe opposite of what is commonly believed. Thereality is:YOUR ABUSIVE PARTNER DOESN’THAVE A PROBLEM WITH HIS ANGER;HE HAS A PROBLEM WITH YOURANGER.One of the basic human rights he takes awayfrom you is the right to be angry with him. Nomatter how badly he treats you, he believes thatyour voice shouldn’t rise and your blood shouldn’tboil. The privilege of rage is reserved for himalone. When your anger does jump out of you—aswill happen to any abused woman from time totime—he is likely to try to jam it back down yourthroat as quickly as he can. Then he uses youranger against you to prove what an irrational

person you are. Abuse can make you feelstraitjacketed. You may develop physical oremotional reactions to swallowing your anger,such as depression, nightmares, emotionalnumbing, or eating and sleeping problems, whichyour partner may use as an excuse to belittle youfurther or make you feel crazy.Why does your partner react so strongly to youranger? One reason may be that he considershimself above reproach, as I discussed above. Thesecond is that on some level he senses—thoughnot necessarily consciously—that there is powerin your anger. If you have space to feel andexpress your rage, you will be better able to holdon to your identity and to resist his suffocation ofyou. He tries to take your anger away in order tosnuff out your capacity to resist his will. Finally,he perceives your anger as a challenge to hisauthority, to which he responds by overpoweringyou with anger that is greater than your own. Inthis way he ensures that he retains the exclusive

ight to be the one who shows anger.THE ABUSER’S OWN ANGEROnce you grasp the nature of entitlement, thefollowing concept about the abusive man becomesclear:HE ISN’T ABUSIVE BECAUSE HE ISANGRY; HE’S ANGRY BECAUSE HE’SABUSIVE.The abuser’s unfair and unrealistic expectationsensure that his partner can never follow all of hisrules or meet all of his demands. The result is thathe is frequently angry or enraged. This dynamicwas illustrated on a recent talk show by a youngman who was discussing his abuse of his presentwife. He said that his definition of a goodrelationship was: “Never arguing and saying youlove each other every day.” He told the audiencethat his wife “deserved” his mistreatment because

she wasn’t living up to this unrealistic image. Itwouldn’t do any good to send this young man, orany other abuser, to an anger-managementprogram, because his entitlements would just keepproducing more anger. His attitudes are what needto change.REALITY #3:He twists things into their opposites.Emile, a physically violent client with whom Iworked, gave me the following account of hisworst assault on his wife: “One day Tanya wentway overboard with her mouth, and I got so pissedoff that I grabbed her by the neck and put her upagainst the wall.” With his voice filled withindignation, he said, “Then she tried to knee me inthe balls! How would you like it if a woman didthat to you?? Of course I lashed out. And when I

swung my hand down, my fingernails made a longcut across her face. What the hell did she expect?”QUESTION 4:WHY DOES HE SAY THAT IAM THE ONE ABUSING HIM?The abuser’s highly entitled perceptual systemcauses him to mentally reverse aggression andself-defense. When Tanya attempted to defendherself against Emile’s life-threatening attack, hedefined her actions as violence toward him. Whenhe then injured her further, he claimed he wasdefending himself against her abuse. The lens ofentitlement the abuser holds over his eye standseverything on its head, like the reflection in aspoon.Another client, Wendell, described an incidentin which he stomped out of the house and

slammed the door. “My wife Aysha nags at me forhours. I can only take so much of her complainingand telling me I’m no good. Yesterday she wenton for a half hour, and I finally called her a bitchand took off.” I asked him what Aysha was upsetabout, and he said he didn’t know. “When shegoes on like that I just tune her out.” A few dayslater I spoke with Aysha about the incident, andshe told me that she had indeed been yelling atWendell for five or ten minutes. However, he hadfailed to tell me that he had launched a verbalassault when she first woke up that morning andhad continued berating her all day: “He totallydominates arguments; he repeats himself like abroken record; and I’m lucky if I can get a wordin. And his language is awful—he must havecalled me a ‘bitch’ ten times that day.” She finallyreached her limit and began standing up forherself forcefully, and that was when he stormedout for the evening.Why does Wendell think that Aysha is the one

who has been doing all the yelling andcomplaining? Because in his mind she’s supposedto be listening, not talking. If she expressesherself at all, that’s too much.When I challenge my clients to stop bullyingtheir partners, they twist my words around just asthey do their partners’. They accuse me of havingsaid things that have little connection to my actualwords. An abuser says, “You’re saying I shouldlie down and let her walk all over me” because Itold him that intimidating his partner isunacceptable no matter how angry he is. He says,“So you’re telling us that our partners can doanything they want to us, and we aren’t allowed tolift a finger to defend ourselves” because hispartner told him that she was sick of his friendstrashing the house and that he should “clean uphis goddamned mess,” and I told him that was noexcuse to call her a disgusting name. He says,“Your approach is that whatever she does is okay,because she’s a woman, but because I’m the man,

there’s much stricter rules for me” because Ipointed out his double standards and insisted thathe should live by the same rules he applies to her.The abusive man has another reason toexaggerate and ridicule his partner’s statements(and mine): He wants to avoid having to thinkseriously about what she is saying and struggle todigest it. He feels entitled to swat her down like afly instead.REALITY #4:He disrespects his partner andconsiders himself superior to her.Sheldon’s relationship with Kelly was over. Hewas required to enter my program because he hadviolated a restraining order but denied that he hadever been violent or frightening to Kelly. Now hewas attempting to get custody of their three-year-

old daughter, Ashley. He claimed that Kelly hadnever looked after Ashley from the time of herbirth and had “never bonded with her.” He added,“I don’t consider her Ashley’s mother. She’s just avessel, just a channel that Ashley came through toget into this world.”Sheldon had reduced Kelly to an inanimateobject in his mind, a baby-producing machine.When he spoke of her, he twisted his face up indisgusted expressions of contempt. At the sametime, he never sounded upset; he considered Kellytoo far beneath him to raise his ire. He had thesame attitude you might have if an annoying butharmless little dog were nipping at your heels. Histone of condescension indicated how certain hewas of his superiority to Kelly.As memorable as Sheldon’s smug derision was,it was only a few notches worse than the commonthinking of many abusive men. The abuser tendsto see his partner as less intelligent, lesscompetent, less logical, and even less sensitive

than he is. He will tell me, for example, that sheisn’t the compassionate person he is. He often hasdifficulty conceiving of her as a human being.This tendency in abusers is known asobjectification or depersonalization. Mostabusers verbally attack their partners in degrading,revolting ways. They reach for the words that theyknow are most disturbing to women, such asbitch, whore, and cunt, often preceded by theword fat. These words assault her humanity,reducing her to an animal, a nonliving object, or adegraded sexual body part. The partners of myclients tell me that these disgusting words carry aforce and an ugliness that feel like violence.Through these carefully chosen epithets—and myclients sometimes admit that they use the mostdegrading words they can think of—abusers maketheir partners feel both debased and unsafe.Objectification is a critical reason why anabuser tends to get worse over time. As hisconscience adapts to one level of cruelty—or

violence—he builds to the next. Bydepersonalizing his partner, the abuser protectshimself from the natural human emotions of guiltand empathy, so that he can sleep at night with aclear conscience. He distances himself so far fromher humanity that her feelings no longer count, orsimply cease to exist. These walls tend to growover time, so that after a few years in arelationship my clients can reach a point wherethey feel no more guilt over degrading orthreatening their partners than you or I would feelafter angrily kicking a stone in the driveway.Abuse and respect are diametric opposites: Youdo not respect someone whom you abuse, and youdo not abuse someone whom you respect.REALITY #5:He confuses love and abuse.

Here are comments my clients commonly make tome:“The reason I abuse her is because I have suchstrong feelings for her. You hurt the ones youlove the most.”“No one can get me as upset as she can.”“Yeah, I told her she’d better not ever try toleave me. You have no idea how much I lovethis girl!”I was sick of watching her ruining her life. Icare too much to sit back and do nothing aboutit.”An abusive man often tries to convince hispartner that his mistreatment of her is proof ofhow deeply he cares, but the reality is that abuse isthe opposite of love. The more a man abuses you,the more he is demonstrating that he cares only

about himself. He may feel a powerful desire toreceive your love and caretaking, but he onlywants to give love when it’s convenient.So is he lying when he says he loves you? No,usually not. Most of my clients do feel a powerfulsensation inside that they call love. For many ofthem it is the only kind of feeling toward a femalepartner that they have ever had, so they have noway of knowing that it isn’t love. When anabusive man feels the powerful stirring inside thatother people call love, he is probably largelyfeeling:The desire to have you devote your life tokeeping him happy with no outsideinterferenceThe desire to have sexual accessThe desire to impress others by havingyou be his partnerThe desire to possess and control you

These desires are important aspects of whatromantic love means to him. He may well becapable of feeling genuine love for you, but first hewill have to dramatically reorient his outlook inorder to separate abusive and possessive desiresfrom true caring, and become able to really seeyou.The confusion of love with abuse is what allowsabusers who kill their partners to make the absurdclaim that they were driven by the depths of theirloving feelings. The news media regrettably oftenaccept the aggressors’ view of these acts,describing them as “crimes of passion.” But whatcould more thoroughly prove that a man did notlove his partner? If a mother were to kill one of herchildren, would we ever accept the claim that shedid it because she was overwhelmed by how muchshe cared? Not for an instant. Nor should we.Genuine love means respecting the humanity ofthe other person, wanting what is best for him orher, and supporting the other person’s self-esteem

and independence. This kind of love isincompatible with abuse and coercion.REALITY #6:He is manipulative.Let’s examine the following interactions betweenan abusive man named David and his partnerJoanne:David is yelling at Joanne, pointing hisfinger and turning red in the face. Joannetells him he’s too angry and she doesn’tlike it. He yells even louder, saying, “I’mnot angry, I’m just trying to get my pointacross and you’re not listening! Don’t tellme what I’m feeling, I hate that! You’renot inside me!”One day Joanne tells David that his

outbursts are getting to her and she needsto take some time off from theirrelationship. David says, “What you aresaying is that you don’t love meanymore. I’m not sure you ever loved me.You don’t understand how strong myfeelings are for you,” and he looks closeto tears. The conversation shifts toJoanne reassuring David that she isn’tabandoning him, and her complaintsabout his behavior get lost in the shuffle.On another occasion, Joanne brings upthe fact that she would like to go back toschool. David responds negatively,saying, “We can’t afford it,” and refusesto look after the children while she’s atclass. Joanne proposes a number ofstrategies for dealing with both moneyand child care, all of which David findssomething wrong with. Joanne finallydecides it’s impossible to continue her

education, but David then insists that hewasn’t trying to talk her out of it. Shewinds up feeling that the decision not togo back to school is her own.Few abusive men rely entirely on verbal abuseor intimidation to control their partners. Being anonstop bully is too much work, and it makes theman look bad. If he is abusive all the time, hispartner starts to recognize that she’s being abused,and the man may feel too guilty about hisbehavior. The abuser therefore tends to switchfrequently to manipulating his partner to get whathe wants. He may also sometimes use these tacticsjust to get her upset or confused.There are some signs of manipulation byabusers that you can watch for:Changing his moods abruptly andfrequently, so that you find it difficult totell who he is or how he feels, keepingyou constantly off balance. His feelings

toward you are especially changeable.Denying the obvious about what he isdoing or feeling. He’ll speak to you withhis voice trembling with anger, or he’llblame a difficulty on you, or he’ll sulk fortwo hours, and then deny it to your face.You know what he did—and so does he—but he refuses to admit it, which candrive you crazy with frustration. Then hemay call you irrational for getting soupset by his denial.Convincing you that what he wants youto do is what is best for you. This waythe abuser can make his selfishness looklike generosity, which is a neat trick. Along time may pass before you realizewhat his real motives were.Getting you to feel sorry for him, so thatyou will be reluctant to push forwardwith your complaints about what he

does.Getting you to blame yourself, or blameother people, for what he does.Using confusion tactics in arguments,subtly or overtly changing the subject,insisting that you are thinking or feelingthings that you aren’t, twisting yourwords, and many other tactics that serveas glue to pour into your brain. You mayleave arguments with him feeling likeyou are losing your mind.Lying or misleading you about hisactions, his desires, or his reasons fordoing certain things, in order to guideyou into doing what he wants you to do.One of the most frequent complaints I getfrom abused women is that their partnerslie repeatedly, a form of psychologicalabuse that in itself can be highlydestructive over time.

Getting you and the people you careabout turned against each other bybetraying confidences, being rude to yourfriends, telling people lies about whatyou supposedly said about them,charming your friends and then tellingthem bad things about you, and manyother divisive tactics.In some ways manipulation is worse than overtabuse, especially when the two are mixedtogether. When a woman gets called “bitch,” orgets shoved or slapped, she at least knows whather partner did to her. But after a manipulativeinteraction she may have little idea what wentwrong; she just knows that she feels terrible, orcrazy, and that somehow it seems to be her ownfault.REALITY #7:

He strives to have a good publicimage.If you are involved with an abusive man, you mayspend a lot of your time trying to figure out whatis wrong with you, rather than what is wrong withhim. If he gets along well with other people andimpresses them with his generosity, sense ofhumor, and friendliness, you may wind upwondering, “What is it about me that sets him off?Other people seem to think he’s great.”QUESTION 5:HOW COME EVERYONEELSE THINKS HE’SWONDERFUL?Most abusive men put on a charming face for theircommunities, creating a sharp split between their

public image and their private treatment of womenand children. He may be:Enraged at home but calm and smilingoutsideSelfish and self-centered with you butgenerous and supportive with othersDomineering at home but willing tonegotiate and compromise outsideHighly negative about females while onhis own turf but a vocal supporter ofequality when anyone else is listeningAssaultive toward his partner or childrenbut nonviolent and nonthreatening witheveryone elseEntitled at home but critical of other menwho disrespect or assault womenThe pain of this contrast can eat away at awoman. In the morning her partner cuts her to the

quick by calling her a “brainless fat cow,” but afew hours later she sees him laughing with thepeople next door and helping them fix their car.Later the neighbor says to her, “Your partner is sonice. You’re lucky to be with him—a lot of menwouldn’t do what he does.” She responds with amumbled “Yeah,” feeling confused and tonguetied.Back at home, she asks herself over and overagain, “Why me?”DO ABUSIVE MEN HAVE SPLITPERSONALITIES?Not really. They are drawn to power and control,and part of how they get it is by looking good inpublic. The abusive man’s charm makes hispartner reluctant to reach out for support orassistance because she feels that people will findher revelations hard to believe or will blame her. Iffriends overhear him say something abusive, orpolice arrest him for an assault, his previous

people-pleasing lays the groundwork to get himoff the hook. The observers think, He’s such anice guy, he’s just not the type to be abusive. Shemust have really hurt him.The abuser’s nice-guy front helps him feel goodabout himself. My clients say to me, “I get alongfine with everyone but her. You should ask aroundabout what I’m like; you’ll see. I’m a calm,reasonable person. People can see that she’s theone who goes off.” Meanwhile, he uses thedifficulties that she is having in her relationshipswith people—many of which may be caused byhim—as further proof that she is the one with theproblem.One of the most important challenges facing acounselor of abusive men is to resist being drawnin by the men’s charming persona. As they sitchatting and joking in their group meeting, crueltyand selfishness seem faraway. I find myselfwondering the same thing the neighbors do: Couldthis guy really get that mean? And even after he

admits to what he does, it’s still hard to believe.This contrast is a key reason why abusers can getaway with what they do.Among my clients I have had: numerousdoctors, including two surgeons; many successfulbusinesspeople, including owners and directors oflarge companies; about a dozen college professors;several lawyers; a prominent—and very mellowsounding—radiopersonality; clergypeople; andtwo well-known professional athletes. One of myviolent clients had spent every Thanksgiving forthe past ten years volunteering at his local soupkitchen. Another was a publicly visible staffmember of a major international human rightsorganization. The cruelty and destructiveness thatthese men were capable of would have stunnedtheir communities had they known.Although these men usually keep their abusiveside well hidden outside of the home, there is onesituation in which it slips out: when someoneconfronts them about their abusiveness and sticks

up for the abused woman, which happens to bemy job. Suddenly, the attitudes and tactics theynormally reserve for home come pouring out. Thevast majority of women who say that they arebeing abused are telling the truth. I know this tobe true because the abusers let their guard downwith me, belying their denial.REALITY #8:He feels justified.Several years ago, I had a client who began hisfirst group session by declaring: “I am herebecause I’m a batterer.” I was impressed with hisownership of his problem. However, the nextweek he softened his words to, “I’m here becauseI’m abusive,” and the third week he stated, “I’min the program because my wife thinks I’mabusive.” Within a few more weeks he had quit

coming, having comfortably wrapped himselfback up in his justifications.Abusers externalize responsibility for theiractions, believing that their partners make thembehave in abusive ways. Each of my clientspredictably uses some variation of the followinglines:“She knows how to push my buttons.”“She wanted me to go off, and she knows howto make it happen.”“She pushed me too far.”“There’s only so much a man can take.”“You expect me to just let her walk all over me.What would you do?”Many clients express guilt or remorse whenthey first begin attending counseling, but as soon

as I start to press them to look at their histories ofabusive behavior, they switch back to defendingtheir actions. They don’t mind glibly saying, “Iknow what I did was wrong,” but when I askthem to describe their verbal or physical assaultsin detail, they leap back to justifying.Abusive men are masters of excuse making. Inthis respect they are like substance abusers, whobelieve that everyone and everything except themis responsible for their actions. When they aren’tblaming their partners, they blame stress, alcohol,their childhood, their children, their bosses, ortheir insecurities. More important, they feelentitled to make these excuses; when I point outthat other men under the same pressures choosenot to be abusive, they tend to become irate orcontemptuous.Does this mean that abusers are psychopathswho lack any conscience that could cause them tofeel guilt or responsibility? Generally not,although I have had a small number (perhaps 5

percent of my clients) who are. Most abusers dohave a conscience about their behavior outside ofthe family. They may be willing to be answerablefor their actions at work, at the club, or on thestreet. At home, however, their sense ofentitlement takes over.The abusive man commonly believes he canblame his partner for anything that goes wrong,not just his abusiveness. Did he just suffer adisappointment? She caused it. Is he embarrassedby a mistake he made? She should have preventedit. Is one of the children in a difficult period?She’s a bad mother. Everything is someone else’sfault, and “someone else” is usually her.REALITY #9:Abusers deny and minimize theirabuse.

One of my areas of specialization is court-relatedwork involving abusers who are physically violentor who abuse their children. I frequently encountercourt personnel who say: “Well, she accuses himof abusing her, but he denies it.” They then dropthe matter, as if the man’s denial closes the case.They also tell me: “He says she does the samethings to him, so I guess they abuse each other.”This kind of denial and cross-accusation tells usnothing about whether the woman is telling thetruth. If the man is abusive, of course he is goingto deny it, partly to protect himself and partlybecause his perceptions are distorted. If he wereready to accept responsibility for his actions inrelationships, he wouldn’t be abusive. Breakingthrough denial and minimization is one of themain tasks facing an abuse counselor. Most of themen in my groups admit to some abusive behavior—although they don’t see it as abusive, of course—but they acknowledge only a small portion ofwhat they have actually done, as I learn when I

interview the abused partners.When an abuser denies an incident immediatelyafter it happens, he can set his partner’s headspinning. Picture a woman who arises in themorning with her stomach still tied in a knot froman ugly blowout the night before. Her partnermakes a face at her in the kitchen and says, “Whyare you so grumpy today?”She replies, “Why the hell do you think? Youcalled me ‘loser’ right in front of the children, andthen you yanked my towel off so they would laughat me. Am I supposed to come down the stairswhistling a happy tune?”“What are you talking about?” he gasps.“You’re a fucking drama junkie. I was clearacross the room from you when your towel fell off.You’re going to blame that on me? You’re nuts.”And he walks off shaking his head.A woman can feel that she is losing her mind—or develop actual psychiatric symptoms—if theobvious realities of her life, including abuse, are

denied repeatedly by her partner. The certainty andauthority in his voice, with his eyes twisted up toshow how baffled he is, leave her questioningherself. “Did that really happen? Maybe it didn’t.Maybe I do overreact to innocent things.” Themore serious the incidents he denies, the more hergrip on reality can start to slip. And if outsidersstart to notice her instability, the abuser can usetheir observations to persuade them that herrevelations of abuse by him are fantasies.The partners of this style of abuser ask me:“After an incident, it seems like he really believesthe abuse didn’t happen. Is he consciously lying?”The answer in most cases is yes. Most abusers donot have severe memory problems. He probablyremembers exactly what he did, especially whenonly a short time has passed. He denies his actionsto close off discussion because he doesn’t want toanswer for what he did, and perhaps he evenwants you to feel frustrated and crazy. However, asmall percentage of abusers—perhaps one in

twelve—may have psychological conditions suchas narcissistic or borderline personality disorder,in which they literally block any bad behaviorfrom consciousness. One of the clues that yourpartner may have such a disturbance is if younotice him doing similar things to other people. Ifhis denial and mind messing are restricted to you,or to situations that are related to you, he isprobably simply abusive.Denial and minimization are part of mostdestructive behavior patterns, whether they bealcohol abuse, gambling, or child abuse. Partnerabuse is no exception.REALITY #10:Abusers are possessive.New clients in my program sometimes lookbewildered, as if I were giving a seminar on edible

plants and they had wandered into the wrongroom. They can hardly wait to speak, rising out oftheir seats to sputter at me: “But these are ourwives and girlfriends you are talking about. Doyou really mean to say that someone else candictate what we do in our relationships?” Theysmile as they speak or shake their heads lightly, asif they feel compassion for my dull wits. Theyassume I somehow have failed to realize that thesewomen are theirs.The sense of ownership is one reason whyabuse tends to get worse as relationships get moreserious. The more history and commitment thatdevelop in the couple, the more the abuser comesto think of his partner as a prized object.Possessiveness is at the core of the abuser’s mindset,the spring from which all the other streamsspout; on some level he feels that he owns you andtherefore has the right to treat you as he sees fit.QUESTION 6:

WHY IS HE SO INSANELYJEALOUS?For many abusers, possessiveness takes the formof sexual jealousy. This style of man monitors hispartner’s associations carefully, expects her toaccount for her whereabouts at all times, andperiodically rips into her with jealous accusations,as Fran did in Chapter 1. Ironically, the mostaccusatory abusers are among the ones most likelyto be cheating themselves; possessiveness andentitlement make the abuser feel that it isacceptable for him to have affairs, but not her.An equally important reason for the extremejealousy exhibited by so many abusive men is thedesire to isolate their partners. In Chapter 1 wemet Marshall, who did not believe his ownhysterical accusations of infidelity against hiswife. So what was driving his behavior? Anabusive man who isolates his partner does soprimarily for two reasons:

1. He wants her life to be focused entirelyon his needs. He feels that other socialcontacts will allow her less time forhim, and he doesn’t accept that she hasthat right.2. He doesn’t want her to develop sourcesof strength that could contribute to herindependence. Although it is oftenlargely unconscious, abusive men areaware on some level that a woman’ssocial contacts can bring her strengthand support that could ultimately enableher to escape his control (as we sawwith Dale and Maureen in Chapter 1).An abusive man commonly attempts tokeep his partner completely dependenton him to increase his power.Because of this mind-set, an abusive man tendsto perceive any relationships that his partnerdevelops, whether with males or females, as

threats to him. You may try to manage thisproblem by giving him lots of reassurance that youstill love him and are not going to cheat on him.But you will find that his efforts to isolate youdon’t lessen, because his fears that you mightsleep with another man are actually only a smallpart of why he is trying to isolate you.At the same time, jealous accusations andisolation are only one form that ownership cantake. There are abusive men who do not try tocontrol their partners’ associations, but theirunderlying attitude of “You’re mine to do with asI see fit” reveals itself in other ways. If yourpartner’s sister criticizes him for bullying you, hemay tell her: “What I do with my girl is none ofyour business.” If you have children, he may startto treat all family members as his belongings. Hisanger may escalate dangerously when you attemptto break away from him. Keep the wordownership in mind, and you may begin to noticethat many of your partner’s behaviors are rooted in

elieving that you belong to him.ABUSIVE MEN COME in every personality type,arise from good childhoods and bad ones, aremacho men or gentle, “liberated” men. Nopsychological test can distinguish an abusive manfrom a respectful one. Abusiveness is not aproduct of a man’s emotional injuries or of deficitsin his skills. In reality, abuse springs from a man’searly cultural training, his key male role models,and his peer influences. In other words, abuse is aproblem of values, not of psychology. Whensomeone challenges an abuser’s attitudes andbeliefs, he tends to reveal the contemptuous andinsulting personality that normally stays hidden,reserved for private attacks on his partner. Anabuser tries to keep everybody—his partner, histherapist, his friends and relatives—focused onhow he feels, so that they won’t focus on how hethinks, perhaps because on some level he is awarethat if you grasp the true nature of his problem,

you will begin to escape his domination.KEY POINTS TO REMEMBERAbuse grows from attitudes and values,not feelings. The roots are ownership, thetrunk is entitlement, and the branches arecontrol.Abuse and respect are opposites. Abuserscannot change unless they overcome theircore of disrespect toward their partners.Abusers are far more conscious of whatthey are doing than they appear to be.However, even their less-consciousbehaviors are driven by their coreattitudes.Abusers are unwilling to be nonabusive,not unable. They do not want to give uppower and control.

You are not crazy. Trust your perceptionsof how your abusive partner treats youand thinks about you.

4The Types of Abusive MenI feel so bad for him; he’s had a reallyhard life.I’m lucky to be with him; he could getany woman he wants.I’m really scared of what he may do tome some day.I shouldn’t argue with him, because Ijust come out feeling like an idiot.He’s very sensitive. I shouldn’tcomplain so much; he’s doing the besthe can.

He says the reason he cheats on me somuch is that he’s a sex addict.THE QUALITIES THAT MAKE UP an abusiveman are like the ingredients in a recipe: The basicsare always present, but the relative amounts varygreatly. One man may be so severely controllingthat his partner can’t make a move withoutchecking with him first, and yet, oddly, hecontributes substantially to the domestic work andchild care. Another man may allow his partner tocome and go as she pleases, even accepting herfriendships with men, but there is hell to pay if shefails to wait on him hand and foot, or if she makesthe mistake of asking him to clean up afterhimself. Still other abusers are less overtlycontrolling and entitled than either of these menbut mind-twisting in the severity of theirmanipulations.The tactics and attitudes of abusers can varyfrom country to country, from ethnic group to

ethnic group, from rich man to poor man. Abusersfrom each culture have their special areas ofcontrol or cruelty. Middleclass white abusers, forexample, tend to have strict rules about how awoman is allowed to argue. If she talks back tohim, shows anger, or doesn’t shut up when she istold to, he is likely to make her pay. My clientsfrom Latin American cultures typically permittheir partners to be more forceful and “mouthy” ina conflict than my white clients but can be highlyretaliatory if their partners give any attention toanother male. Abusers select the pieces of turfthey wish to stake out, influenced in those choicesby their particular culture and background. Eachwoman who is involved with an abusive orcontrolling man has to deal with his unique blendof tactics and attitudes, his particular rhythm ofgood times and bad times, and his specific way ofpresenting himself to the outside world. No oneshould ever tell an abused woman, “I know justwhat you’re going through,” because the

experience of each woman is different.Viewed from another angle, however, abusedoesn’t vary that much. One man uses a littlemore of one ingredient and a little less of theother, but the overall flavor of the mistreatmenthas core similarities: assaults on the woman’sself-esteem, controlling behavior, undermining herindependence, disrespect. Each abused womanhas times of feeling that a riptide is dragging herunder the sea, and she struggles for air. Confusionhas been part of the experience of almost everyone of the hundreds of abused women I havespoken with. Whether because of the abuser’smanipulativeness, his popularity, or simply themind-bending contrast between his professions oflove and his vicious psychological or physicalassaults, every abused woman finds herselffighting to make sense out of what is happening.Recognizing the nature of the abusive man’sproblem can be a first step out of the fog. In thischapter I introduce you to ten styles of abuse I

have encountered among the two thousand men Ihave worked with. One—or more—of theseprofiles may jump out at you, so that you findyourself feeling: “There he is!” On the other hand,you might find instead that he does not fit neatlyinto any of these “types” but seems rather to drawbits of himself from each one. In that case, thinkof these profiles not as different men, but as thevarying faces of one man. Either way, thedescriptions can help you to put your finger onwhat your partner is up to.The sections below describe each style of manwhile he is being abusive. I don’t mean that he islike this all the time. In fact, men from any of thecategories below can turn kind and loving at anymoment and stay in that mode for days, weeks, oreven months.THE DEMAND MANThe Demand Man is highly entitled. He expects

his partner’s life to revolve around meeting hisneeds and is angry and blaming if anything gets inthe way. He becomes enraged if he isn’t catered toor if he is inconvenienced in even a minor way.The partner of this man comes to feel that nothingshe does is ever good enough and that it isimpossible to make him happy. He criticizes herfrequently, usually about things that he thinks sheshould have done—or done better—for him.Is every highly demanding partner an abuser?No. There are specific elements to the DemandMan’s style:1. He has little sense of give and take. Hisdemands for emotional support, favors,caretaking, or sexual attention are wellout of proportion to his contributions; heconstantly feels that you owe him thingsthat he has done nothing to earn.2. He exaggerates and overvalues his owncontributions. If he was generous one

day back in 1997, you are probably stillhearing about it today as proof of howwonderfully he treats you and howungrateful you are. He seems to keep amental list of any favors or kindnesseshe ever does and expects each one paidback at a heavy interest rate. He thinksyou owe him tremendous gratitude formeeting the ordinary responsibilities ofdaily life—when he does—but takesyour contributions for granted.3. When he doesn’t get what he feels is hisdue, he punishes you for letting himdown.4. When he is generous or supportive, it’sbecause he feels like it. When he isn’t inthe mood to give anything, he doesn’t.He is positive or loving toward youwhen he feels the need to prove tohimself or to others that he is a goodperson, or when there is something that

he is about to demand in return; in otherwords, it’s about him, not you. Thelonger you have been with him, themore his generous-seeming actionsappear self-serving.5. If your needs ever conflict with his, he isfurious. At these times he attacks you asself-centered or inflexible, turningreality on its head with statements suchas, “All you care about is yourself!” Hetends to work hard to convince outsidersof how selfish and ungrateful you are,speaking in a hurt voice about all thethings he does for you.At the same time, the Demand Man is likely tobe furious if anything is demanded of him. Notonly are you not supposed to demand any favors,you aren’t even supposed to ask him to take careof his own obligations. If you ask him to clean upa mess he’s left, he responds, “I’m not your

fucking servant.” If you ask him to pay money heowes you or to work more hours to help out withthe household expenses, he says, “You’re a typicalwoman, all you want from me is my money.” Ifyou complain to him of how rarely he is there foryou, he’ll say, “You are a needy, controllingbitch.” He keeps twisting things around backwardin these ways, so that any effort you make todiscuss your needs or his responsibilities switchesabruptly to being about his needs and yourresponsibilities.The Demand Man is sometimes less controllingthan other abusers as long as he is getting hisneeds met on his terms. He may allow you to haveyour own friendships or support you in pursuingyour own career. But the effects on you of yourpartner’s extreme entitlement can be just asdestructive as severe control.The central attitudes driving theDemand Man are:

It’s your job to do things for me,including taking care of myresponsibilities if I drop the ballon them. If I’m unhappy aboutany aspect of my life, whether ithas to do with our relationshipor not, it’s your fault.You should not place demandson me at all. You should begrateful for whatever I choose togive.I am above criticism.I am a very loving and givingpartner. You’re lucky to haveme.MR. RIGHTMr. Right considers himself the ultimate authorityon every subject under the sun; you might call him

“Mr. Always Right.” He speaks with absolutecertainty, brushing your opinions aside likeannoying gnats. He seems to see the world as ahuge classroom, in which he is the teacher andyou are his student. He finds little of value in yourthoughts or insights, so he seeks to empty out yourhead and fill it up with his jewels of brilliance.When Mr. Right sits in one of my groups forabusive men, he often speaks of his partner as ifshe were in danger from her own idiocy and heneeds to save her from herself. Mr. Right hasdifficulty speaking to his partner—or about her—without a ring of condescension in his voice. Andin a conflict his arrogance gets even worse.Mr. Right’s superiority is a convenient way forhim to get what he wants. When he and hispartner are arguing about their conflicting desires,he turns it into a clash between Right and Wrongor between Intelligence and Stupidity. He ridiculesand discredits her perspective so that he canescape dealing with it. Here is a conversation I

had with a Mr. Right whom I worked with in oneof my abuser groups:NCROFT: Pat, do you have any abusivebehaviors to report from this past week?T: Well, I did yell at Gwen once and called her“bitch.” We were fighting about money, as usual.NCROFT: What was Gwen’s perspective in theargument?T: She thinks money grows on trees.NCROFT: Gwen said that money grows ontrees?T: Well no, not just like that. But that’s how sheacts.NCROFT: Let’s try again. What was she sayingin the argument?

T: She thinks we have enough money to get bothof the children whole new sets of clothes. But wejust bought all new stuff for them only a fewweeks ago. And we just don’t have it in the bankright now.NCROFT: Does Gwen agree that the last roundof shopping was only a few weeks ago?T: No, she says it was four months ago, at thebeginning of the summer, which is a crock. I canremember that the summer was more than halfover.NCROFT: So her memory is different fromyours. Did she say why she thinks it was earlier?T: Of course not, she’s…Well, maybe she saidsomething about how she remembers she paid thecredit card bill for those clothes while the childrenwere still in school. But she’s wrong.

NCROFT: Now, you said that the money simplyisn’t there. Gwen obviously thinks differently.Where does she think the money should comefrom?T: I already told you, she wants me to be amagician who can just make it appear.NCROFT: But she must have been makingpoints about it. What was she saying?T: Oh, I don’t know…She says we should sellour car and get a shit box, which would just endup costing us more in the long run, plus I don’twant to deal with it.NCROFT: What do you drive now?T: A Saab.NCROFT: Let me guess. She would like to tradethe Saab in on a reliable car that has lower

monthly payments, cheaper parts, and fewer repairbills.T: Yeah, that’s what I said, a shit box.What Pat revealed in this exchange was thateach time Gwen attempts to stand up for herself orput forth her views, he twists her statements tomake them sound absurd. Notice how long it tookme to drag out of him what Gwen’s opinionsactually were. Gwen naturally came out feelingstifled by Pat, as there was nothing she could do toget her views heard and taken seriously. Part ofwhy Pat is convinced that Gwen is stupid is thathe is so exaggeratedly certain of his own wisdomand clarity. Since she continues to disagree withhim, he takes that as proof of her foolishness.When Mr. Right decides to take control of aconversation, he switches into his Voice of Truth,giving the definitive pronouncement on what isthe correct answer or the proper outlook. Abusecounselors call this tactic defining reality. Over

time, his tone of authority can cause his partner todoubt her own judgment and come to see herselfas not very bright. I notice how often I amspeaking with the intelligent-sounding partner ofone of my clients, only to have her say to me: “I’mnot that smart.” The abuser wants her to doubt hermental abilities in this way, so that he can controlher better.Besides knowing all about the world, Mr. Rightis also an expert on your life and how you shouldlive it. He has the answers to your conflicts atwork, how you should spend your time, and howyou should raise your children. He is especiallyknowledgeable about your faults, and he likes toinventory what is wrong with you, as if tearingyou down were the way to improve you. He mayseem to enjoy periodically straightening you out infront of other people to humiliate you, therebyestablishing his unquestionable intellectualsuperiority.When Mr. Right’s partner refuses to defer to his

sophisticated knowledge, he is likely to escalate toinsulting her, calling her names, or mocking herwith imitation. If he’s still not satisfied that he hasbrought her down low enough, he may reach forbigger guns, such as ruining evening plans,leaving places without her, or saying bad thingsabout her to other people. If he is physicallyassaultive, then this is the time he may throwthings, raise fists, or attack violently. In short, Mr.Right finds some way to ensure that his partnerregrets her insistence on having her own mind.Mr. Right in some respects is a less violent andfrightening version of the Drill Sergeant (see p.86), but Mr. Right’s control tends to be especiallyfocused on telling his partner how to think. Hispartner feels suffocated by his control, as if hewere watching her every move under amicroscope.Mr. Right tries to sanitize his bullying bytelling me, “I have strong opinions” or “I likedebating ideas.” This is like a bank robber saying,

“I’m interested in financial issues.” Mr. Rightisn’t interested in debating ideas; he wants toimpose his own.The central attitudes driving Mr. Rightare:You should be in awe of myintelligence and should look upto me intellectually. I knowbetter than you do, even aboutwhat’s good for you.Your opinions aren’t worthlistening to carefully or takingseriously.The fact that you sometimesdisagree with me shows howsloppy your thinking is.If you would just accept that Iknow what’s right, our

elationship would go muchbetter. Your own life would gobetter, too.When you disagree with meabout something, no matter howrespectfully or meekly, that’smistreatment of me.If I put you down for longenough, some day you’ll see.THE WATER TORTURERThe Water Torturer’s style proves that angerdoesn’t cause abuse. He can assault his partnerpsychologically without even raising his voice. Hetends to stay calm in arguments, using his ownevenness as a weapon to push her over the edge.He often has a superior or contemptuous grin onhis face, smug and self-assured. He uses arepertoire of aggressive conversational tactics at

low volume, including sarcasm, derision—such asopenly laughing at her—mimicking her voice, andcruel, cutting remarks. Like Mr. Right, he tends totake things she has said and twist them beyondrecognition to make her appear absurd, perhapsespecially in front of other people. He gets to hispartner through a slow but steady stream of lowlevelemotional assaults, and perhaps occasionalshoves or other “minor” acts of violence that don’tgenerally cause visible injury but may do greatpsychological harm. He is relentless in his quietderision and meanness.The impact on a woman of all these subtletactics is that either her blood temperature rises toa boil or she feels stupid and inferior, or somecombination of the two. In an argument, she mayend up yelling in frustration, leaving the roomcrying, or sinking into silence. The Water Torturerthen says, “See, you’re the abusive one, not me.You’re the one who’s yelling and refusing to talkthings out rationally. I wasn’t even raising my

voice. It’s impossible to reason with you.”The psychological effects of living with theWater Torturer can be severe. His tactics can bedifficult to identify, so they sink in deeply. Womencan find it difficult not to blame themselves fortheir reactions to what their partner does if theydon’t even know what to call it. When someoneslaps you in the face, you know you’ve beenslapped. But when a woman feels psychologicallyassaulted, with little idea why, after an argumentwith The Water Torturer, she may turn herfrustration inward. How do you seek support froma friend, for example, when you don’t know howto describe what is going wrong?The Water Torturer tends to genuinely believethat there is nothing unusual about his behavior.When his partner starts to confront him with hisabusiveness—which she usually does sooner orlater—he looks at her as if she were crazy andsays, “What the hell are you talking about? I’venever done anything to you.” Friends and relatives

who have witnessed the couple’s interactions mayback him up. They shake their heads and say toeach other, “I don’t know what goes on with her.She just explodes at him sometimes, and he’s solow-key.” Their children can develop theimpression that Mom “blows up over nothing.”She herself may start to wonder if there issomething psychologically wrong with her.The Water Torturer is payback-oriented likemost abusive men, but he may hide it better. If heis physically abusive, his violence may take theform of cold-hearted slaps “for your own good” or“to get you to wake up” rather than explosive rage.His moves appear carefully thought out, and herarely makes obvious mistakes—such as lettinghis abusiveness show in public—that could turnother people against him or get him in legaltrouble.If you are involved with a Water Torturer, youmay struggle for years trying to figure out what ishappening. You may feel that you overreact to his

ehavior and that he isn’t really so bad. But theeffects of his control and contempt have crept upon you over the years. If you finally leave him, youmay experience intense periods of delayed rage, asyou become conscious of how quietly but deathlyoppressive he was.This style of man rarely lasts long in an abuserprogram unless he has a court order. He is soaccustomed to having complete success with histactics that he can’t tolerate an environment wherethe counselors recognize and name his maneuversand don’t let him get away with them. He tends torapidly decide that his group leaders are as crazyas his partner and heads for the door.The central attitudes driving the WaterTorturer are:You are crazy. You fly off thehandle over nothing.I can easily convince other

people that you’re the one whois messed up.As long as I’m calm, you can’tcall anything I do abusive, nomatter how cruel.I know exactly how to get underyour skin.THE DRILL SERGEANTThe Drill Sergeant takes controlling behavior to itsextreme, running his partner’s life in every waythat he can. He criticizes her clothing, tells herwhether she can go out or not, interferes with herwork. He wants her to have no one close to her, sohe ruins her relationships with friends andrelatives or simply forbids her to see them. Hemay listen to her phone calls or read her mail, orrequire the children to report on her activities anytime he is away. If she isn’t home by his

appointed curfew at night, she is at risk for abuse.She feels like a little girl living with a tyrannicalfather, with no more freedom than an eight-yearoldwould have.The Drill Sergeant is often fanatically jealous.He verbally assaults his partner with accusationsthat she is cheating on him or checking out othermen and tosses crass and disturbing sexual termsinto his tirades. He may augment his hatefulremarks about his partner with hideous commentsabout females in general, such as, “All women arewhores.” The emotional experience of these verbalattacks can be similar to that of a sexual assault:The woman is left feeling violated, debased, andtraumatized. At the same time, this style of abusermore often than not is out having affairs himself.It isn’t fidelity he cares about; it’s possession.The Drill Sergeant is, unfortunately, almost sureto be physically violent sooner or later, probablybeginning with threats and then eventuallyescalating to assault. If his partner stands up to

him, such as by attempting to preserve any of herrights to freedom, his violence and threats arelikely to escalate until she is hurt or terrifiedenough that she submits to his control. He is a riskto beat his partner up to the point of severe injury.Getting away from the Drill Sergeant can bedifficult. Since he monitors the woman’smovements so closely, it is a challenge for her toget to a support group for abused women or toseek other kinds of support. Since he isolates herfrom people, she has to draw entirely on her ownstrength, and many days she may feel like shedoesn’t have much strength left. And since fromtime to time he is probably openly violent, she isforced to consider what the consequences ofattempting to leave him could be, includingwhether he might try to kill her.If your partner is a Drill Sergeant, your situationis a dangerous one. You may have to use somecourage—as well as careful vigilance—to even getthe opportunity to read this book. Perhaps you are

hiding it under a mattress or reading it at someoneelse’s house in quick bits. Don’t give up. Manywomen have gone through this kind of captivityand have found a way to escape, even if it takessome time. The single most important thing to dois to seek opportunities to phone a hotline forabused women (see “Resources” in the back ofthis book). Call them to speak for five minutes ifthat’s all you can safely do for now. Call every dayif you can. The hot line is the beginning of thepath to freedom.You may be sorely tempted to have a secretaffair, since your partner shows you so littlekindness or tenderness. A positive sexualconnection may be especially affirming for you,because of how sexually degrading the DrillSergeant tends to be. But cheating on him can bedeadly if he catches you. Consider holding off onseeing other men until you have gotten yourselfsafe.The Drill Sergeant often has some

psychological problems. Although mental healthissues do not cause abusiveness, they can intensifya man’s violent tendencies. If he sometimes seemsto become convinced of things that are obviouslynot true, has trouble getting along with people ingeneral, was severely abused or neglected as achild, or has other indications of mental illness,you need to take even greater caution.To read more about dealing with dangerousabusers, see “The Terrorist” later in this chapter(p. 99) and “Leaving an Abuser Safely” inChapter 9 (p. 225).The central attitudes driving the DrillSergeant are:I need to control your everymove or you will do it wrong.I know the exact way thateverything should be done.

You shouldn’t have anyone else—or any thing else—in your lifebesides me.I am going to watch you like ahawk to keep you fromdeveloping strength orindependence.I love you more than anyone inthe world, but you disgust me.(!!)MR. SENSITIVEMr. Sensitive appears to be the diametric oppositeof the Drill Sergeant. He is soft-spoken, gentle,and supportive—when he isn’t being abusive. Heloves the language of feelings, openly sharing hisinsecurities, his fears, and his emotional injuries.He hugs other men. He may speak out about theabsurdity of war or the need for men to “get in

touch with their feminine side.” Perhaps heattends a men’s group or goes on men’s retreats.Often he has participated extensively in therapy ortwelve-step programs, or reads all the big self-helpbooks, so he speaks the language of popularpsychology and introspection. His vocabulary issprinkled with jargon like developing closeness,working out our issues, and facing up to hardthings about myself. He presents himself towomen as an ally in the struggle against sex-rolelimitations. To some women, he seems like adream come true.So what’s wrong with this picture? Nothingobvious yet. But this is exactly the problem: Mr.Sensitive wraps himself in one of the mostpersuasive covers a man can have. If you start tofeel chronically mistreated by him, you are likelyto assume that something is wrong with you, andif you complain about him to other people, theymay think you must be spoiled: “You have theNew Age man, what more do you want?”

The following dynamics are typical of arelationship with Mr. Sensitive and may helpexplain your feeling that something has goneawry:1. You seem to be hurting his feelingsconstantly, though you aren’t sure why,and he expects your attention to befocused endlessly on his emotionalinjuries. If you are in a bad mood oneday and say something unfair orinsensitive, it won’t be enough for youto give him a sincere apology and acceptresponsibility. He’ll go on and on aboutit, expecting you to grovel as if you hadtreated him with profound cruelty.(Notice the twist here: This is just whatan abuser accuses his partner of doing tohim, when all she is really looking for isa heartfelt “I’m sorry.”)2. When your feelings are hurt, on the

other hand, he will insist on brushingover it quickly. He may give you astream of pop-psychology language(“Just let the feelings go through you,don’t hold on to them so much,” or “It’sall in the attitude you take toward life,”or “No one can hurt you unless you letthem”) to substitute for genuine supportfor your feelings, especially if you areupset about something he did. None ofthese philosophies applies when youupset him, however.3. With the passing of time, heincreasingly casts the blame on to youfor anything he is dissatisfied with inhis own life; your burden of guilt keepsgrowing.4. He starts to exhibit a mean side that noone else ever sees and may even becomethreatening or intimidating.

Mr. Sensitive has the potential to turnphysically frightening, as any style of abuser can,no matter how much he may preach nonviolence.After an aggressive incident, he will speak of hisactions as “anger” rather than as “abuse,” asthough there were no difference between the two.He blames his assaultive behavior on you or on hisemotional “issues,” saying that his feelings wereso deeply wounded that he had no other choice.Many people reject the possibility that Mr.Sensitive could be an abuser. I ran into thisdisbelief one weekend when I was leading atraining course on emotional recovery, as Iperiodically do. My workshops focus partly on thehealing effects of crying and so tend to be attendedby more women than men. The males who docome have included many of the most wonderfulmen it has been my good fortune to know, as wellas a handful of the biggest manipulators. A fewyears ago, a participant named Deannaapproached me anxiously before a workshop. She

explained that an ex-partner of hers named Bradhad called her a few days ahead of the workshopto tell her he was attending the same weekend.She was uncomfortable and told him that if heshowed up she would leave. He promised not tobother her, though, and said he would not bring uptheir relationship in any way. He was coming withhis new girlfriend, which eased Deanna’s worries.I spent some time talking with Brad as theworkshop was starting, without mentioningDeanna, and he seemed likeable, kind, and—whatcan I say?—sensitive. However, I observed withina few hours that he was in fact speaking to otherpeople about his past with Deanna and gettingthem riled up about her “running away from” theirunresolved issues. On Sunday morning, he finallyprovoked a scene about their relationship in frontof the full workshop, which was humiliating toDeanna.The story does not end there. I called a break,and took Brad aside. I told him that it was my

understanding that he had agreed not to raise theseissues and that it had become obvious to me thathe had come for the weekend with the intention ofdoing precisely what he had promised not to. Iwent on to point out that he had taken Deanna’sweekend away from her and that I considered thiskind of power move to be abuse, especially since itwas directed at an ex-partner.Saying the word abuse to an abusive person canbe like lighting a tinderbox: When you name theunmentionable secret, he goes wild. Brad got loud,rolled his eyes at what a hysterical exaggerator heconsidered me to be, and adopted a victim stance,saying, “I beg you to stop this.” Then came themost important part: He said in a screechingwhine, “I have only put a hand on a partner oncein my life, many years ago, and I just barelypushed her away from me like this”—and heshoved me hard by the shoulder—“after she calledmy mother a sick woman.”Well, why was Brad denying a history of

assault (while actually admitting to one) when Ihadn’t said anything about violence? Thepossibility that he might be physically abusive hadnever occurred to me before, but it certainly didnow. The signs were all there: bullying Deannathat weekend and then insisting it was for her owngood; feeling entitled to ignore an importantagreement; blaming his earlier girlfriend for hisassault of her and minimizing it—the strength ofthe shove he gave me would have shaken up mostwomen. I now doubted that the assaultive incidenthe had described was his only occasion ofphysically intimidating a woman.At this point I required Brad to leave theworkshop. I then had to deal with a miniinsurrectionfrom some of the other workshopparticipants, who couldn’t believe I was ejectingthis gentle man who was so in touch with hisfeelings. He cries after all; how could he beabusive?This “gentle man” style of abuser tends to be

highly self-centered and demanding of emotionalcatering. He may not be the man who has a fitbecause dinner is late but rather erupts because ofsome way his partner failed to sacrifice her ownneeds or interests to keep him content. He plays uphow fragile he is to divert attention from the swathof destruction he leaves behind him.The central attitudes driving Mr.Sensitive are:I’m against the macho men, so Icouldn’t be abusive.As long as I use a lot of“psychobabble,” no one is goingto believe that I am mistreatingyou.I can control you by analyzinghow your mind and emotionswork, and what your issues are

from childhood.I can get inside your headwhether you want me there ornot.Nothing in the world is moreimportant than my feelings.Women should be grateful to mefor not being like those othermen.THE PLAYERThe Player is usually good looking and often sexy.(But sometimes he just thinks he is.) In the earlypart of a relationship he seems head over heels inlove and wants to spend as much time as possiblein bed together. He is a pretty good lover. Youmay feel lucky that you have caught someone whoknows how to turn you on and feel proud to beseen with him. Your self-opinion gets a nice

oost.After a while, though, a few things start tobother you. You notice that apart from sex hisinterest in you is waning, and even his sexualenergy is dropping off a little. He seems to lockhis eyes pretty hard onto women that walk by. Heflirts with waitresses, clerks, or even friends ofyours. Sexual undertones seem to run throughmost of his interactions with females, except forones he finds completely unattractive. Rumorsstart to come back to you that he’s been seen withthis woman, that he is sleeping with that one, thathe is pursuing another one but she isn’t interestedyet. At first you discount these rumors as hurtfulgossip, but after a while you start to wonder.The Player often starts to stall on moving intogether or agreeing to be exclusive, even thoughearlier he couldn’t wait to get serious. He may saythat he’s been hurt or has a fear of commitment(“I’m just not ready”), but the real issue is that hedoesn’t want restrictions on his freedom. Much of

his satisfaction in life comes from exploitingwomen and feeling like a sexual animal. Womenaround the Player seem to get angry at each othera lot, rather than at him, and sometimes get intophysical confrontations. These tensions work outwell for him, diverting attention from his infidelityand dishonesty. He sets up this dynamic withsome combination of the following tactics:1. He knows how to make each womanfeel that she’s the special one and yet atthe same time keep her off balance, sothat she never feels quite sure of whereshe stands with him.2. He tells each one that the others arelying about their involvements with himbecause they are jealous of her, orbecause he turned them down, orbecause he used to be involved withthem but isn’t anymore.3. He tells each one stories about how

other women have mistreated him, orshares other bits of information—largelyinvented—to make previous, or current,women in his life sound conniving,vindictive, or addicted to substances.4. He breaks up with women and gets backtogether with them, so that no one cankeep track of what’s going on.5. He includes one or two women in hiscircle who feel unattractive, because heknows he can have more power overthem, and manipulates them into hatingthe women who are seen as moreattractive.If this is your partner’s style, you won’tnecessarily ever be sure whether he is reallyhaving sex with other women or if he just flirtsbecause he enjoys the attention and likes you tofeel threatened. He may hotly deny that he evercheats and try to turn the tables by accusing you of

eing too suspicious. But even if he’s telling thetruth—which he probably isn’t—his constantflirtatious behavior can be as damaging as actualaffairs. Either way, he will damage your otherrelationships, because you will start to perceiveany woman as a potential threat to you. If he has ahistory of hitting on women who are close to you,such as your sister or best friend, you can end upisolated from the women you care about most,because you’re afraid he will have affairs withthem unless you keep them away.Chronic infidelity is abusive in itself, but thePlayer doesn’t stop there. He is irresponsible,callous in dealing with his partner’s feelings, andperiodically verbally abusive. As the relationshipprogresses, he may start to go for long periodsgiving his partner next to no attention and barelyspeaking to her, so she feels shelved. He probablyrefuses to take responsibility for safe sex (such asusing a condom), and he may have fatheredchildren who he is not supporting. His

abusiveness can escalate abruptly if he isconfronted or caught in his infidelities, and hemay turn physically frightening at this point. In astrange but dangerous twist, the Player sometimeshits his partner for catching him cheating ratherthan the reverse.The Player’s constant flirting and cheating helphim to get away with other forms of mistreatment.His partner is likely to focus on her hurt feelingsabout his infidelities and pour effort into stoppinghim from straying and, in the process, lose sight ofhis pattern of abuse. When she asks me whether Ithink her partner will ever settle down and befaithful to her—if they get married, for example—I answer, “He may some day, but what you willhave then is a faithful abuser.” His promiscuity isa symptom of a deeper problem: He is incapableof taking women seriously as human beings ratherthan as playthings. With that mind-set, he’ll be adestructive partner whether he cheats or not.The Players I have worked with sometimes

claim to suffer from “sex addiction,” and join Sexand Love Addicts Anonymous (which they maydiscover is a good place to pick up women). Butsex addiction doesn’t cause dishonesty, verbalabusiveness, or intimidating behavior. The Playeris not a sex addict at all. If he is addicted toanything, it’s to the thrill of using women withoutregard for the effects on them.The central attitudes driving the Playerare:Women were put on this earth tohave sex with men—especiallyme.Women who want sex are tooloose, and women who refusesex are too uptight. (!)It’s not my fault that womenfind me irresistible. (This is a

word-for-word quotation from anumber of my clients.) It’s notfair to expect me to refusetemptation when it’s all aroundme; women seduce mesometimes, and I can’t help it.If you act like you need anythingfrom me, I am going to ignoreyou. I’m in this relationshipwhen it’s convenient for me andwhen I feel like it.Women who want the nonsexualaspects of themselvesappreciated are bitches.If you could meet my sexualneeds, I wouldn’t have to turn toother women.RAMBO

Rambo is aggressive with everybody, not just hispartner. He gets a thrill out of the sensation ofintimidating people and strives to handle all lifesituations by subtly or overtly creating fear. He hasan exaggerated, stereotypical view of what a manis supposed to be, which goes hand in hand withseeing women as delicate, inferior, and in need ofprotection. Rambo often comes from a home orneighborhood where he was the target of violencehimself and learned that the only way to feel safeis to be stronger, tougher, and less caring thaneverybody else. He has little patience forweakness, fragility, or indecision. Often he has acriminal record for violence, theft, drunk driving,or drug dealing.Early in a relationship, Rambo is likely to beloving and kind to his partner, like most abusers.Because he lacks fear—or pretends to—he canmake a woman feel safe and protected. This styleof abuser can therefore be particularly appealing toa woman who comes from a violent home herself

or to one who is in the process of leaving anotherabusive relationship. Rambo can make you feel asthough his aggressiveness would never be directedtoward you, because he loves you; he wishes tolook after your safety as if you were his daughter.He enjoys the role of protector, feeling like agallant knight. However, he lacks respect forwomen, and this disrespect, combined with hisgeneral violent tendencies, means that it is only amatter of time before he will be the one you needprotection from.Many highly “masculine” men are not Rambo.The notion that all macho men are likely to abusewomen is based largely on class and ethnicprejudices, the same misconceptions that allowMr. Sensitive or Mr. Right to skate by undetected.There are plenty of “tough guys” out there who arefriendly to everyone and avoid aggressiveinteractions whenever possible but enjoy liftingweights, playing rough sports, hunting, and otheraspects of stereotypical masculinity. They may be

good fighters, but only in self-defense. It isn’tmacho that women need to watch out for. Thedanger signs are violence and intimidation towardanyone, and disrespect and superiority towardwomen.Sometimes Rambo is a psychopath orsociopath, which can make him all the moreemotionally abusive and in some cases physicallyabusive as well. Later we will take a look atpsychopaths and other mentally disorderedabusers.The central attitudes driving Rambo are:Strength and aggressiveness aregood; compassion and conflictresolution are bad.Anything that could be evenremotely associated withhomosexuality, includingwalking away from possible

violence or showing any fear orgrief, has to be avoided at anycost.Femaleness and femininity(which he associates withhomosexuality) are inferior.Women are here to serve menand be protected by them.Men should never hit women,because it is unmanly to do so.However, exceptions to this rulecan be made for my own partnerif her behavior is bad enough.Men need to keep their womenin line.You are a thing that belongs tome, akin to a trophy.THE VICTIM

Life has been hard and unfair for the Victim. Tohear him tell it, his intelligence has beenchronically underestimated; he has been burned bypeople he trusted; and his good intentions havebeen misunderstood. The Victim appeals to awoman’s compassion and desire to feel that shecan make a difference in his life. He often tellspersuasive and heart-rending stories about how hewas abused by his former partner, sometimesadding the tragic element that she is nowrestricting or preventing his contact with hischildren. He maneuvers the woman into hating hisex-partner and may succeed in enlisting her in acampaign of harassment, rumor spreading, orbattling for custody.As a counselor of abusive men, I have dozens oftimes been in the position of interviewing a man’sformer partner and then speaking with the newone. The new partner usually speaks at lengthabout what a wicked witch the woman before herwas. I can’t tell her what I know, much as I wish I

could, because of my responsibility to protect theconfidentiality and safety of the former partner.All I can say is: “I always recommend, wheneverthere are claims of emotional or physical abuse,that women talk to each other directly and not justaccept the man’s denial.”Women sometimes ask me: “But what if a manI am dating really was victimized by his formergirlfriend? How can I tell the difference?” Here aresome things to watch for:1. If you listen carefully, you often canhear the difference between angertoward an ex-partner, which would notbe worrisome in itself, and disrespect orcontempt, which should raise warningflags. A man who has left a relationshipwith bitterness should nonetheless beable to talk about his ex-partner as ahuman being, with some understandingof what her side of the conflicts was and

some ways he might have contributed towhat went wrong. If he speaks indegrading or superior ways about her, ormakes everything that went wrong inthe relationship her fault, be careful,because it is likely that he was theabusive one.2. Try to get him to talk about his ownconduct in the relationship, especiallyaround the time of the breakup. If heblames his own behavior on her, that’s abad sign.3. Be particularly careful with a man whoclaims to have been the victim ofphysical violence by a previous femalepartner. The great majority of men whomake such claims are physical abusers.Ask him for as much detail as you canabout the violent incidents, and then tryto talk to her or seek out anyone elsewho could give you a different

perspective on what happened. Watchfor warning signs of abusiveness (seeChapter 5).4. Pay attention to how he talks and thinksabout abused women. A genuine malevictim tends to feel sympathy for abusedwomen and support their cause. TheVictim, on the other hand, often saysthat women exaggerate or fabricate theirclaims of abuse or insists that men areabused just as much as women are.The Victim may adopt the language of abusevictims, claiming, for example, that his ex-partnerwas “focused on power and control,” disrespectedhim, and always had to have her own way. In afew years, he will be using similar realityinversionlanguage about you—unless, of course,you kowtow to him to his satisfaction.The Victim is highly self-centered inrelationships. Everything seems to revolve around

his wounds, and he keeps himself at the center ofattention. If you have children, he tries to get themto feel sorry for him as well. He seems forever tobe telling you: “You don’t understand me, youdon’t appreciate me, you hold my mistakes overmy head.” Yet you sense that the dynamic isactually the other way around. If you stand up tohim about these distortions, he tells you that youare abusing him or says, “You just can’t toleratemy standing up to your bullying.” This recurringinversion of reality is similar to what happenswith Mr. Sensitive, but without the introspectivepsychology, gentle man, or recovering alcoholicroutines. If you leave him, you risk his seekingcustody of your children, presenting himself to thecourt as the victim of your abuse and of yourefforts to turn the children against him.Often the Victim claims to be victimized notonly by you but also by his boss, his parents, theneighbors, his friends, and strangers on the street.Everyone is always wronging him, and he is

always blameless.When the Victim joins an abuser group, hisstory tends to go like this: “I put up with mypartner’s mistreatment of me for years, and I neverfought back or even tried to defend myself. But Ifinally couldn’t take it anymore, and I started togive her back a little taste of what she was doingto me. So now I’ve been labeled abusive. Womenare allowed to do those things and nobody cares,but as soon as a man does it he’s a pariah.”This line of reasoning many times develops intoa discussion of how men are the victims of womenoverall in society, because women run the world.This is a startling distortion, given which genderactually dominates almost all legislatures, policedepartments, judgeships, businesses, and so on adnauseam. When I point out this reality to theVictim, he describes a kind of paranoid fantasy inwhich women are behind the scenes secretlypulling the strings, largely by getting men to feelsorry for them. His capacity for turning things into

their opposites in this way is a central cause of hisabusiveness.If you are involved with the Victim and want toescape his abuse, you may find that you feel guiltytoward him, despite his treatment of you, and havedifficulty ending the relationship as a result. Youmay feel that because his life has been so hard,you are reluctant to add to his pain by abandoninghim. You may worry that he won’t take care ofhimself if you leave, that he will wither away fromdepression, won’t eat or sleep, or might even try tokill himself. The Victim knows how to presenthimself as helpless and pathetic so that you willfind it harder to take your own life back.The central attitudes driving the Victimare:Everybody has done me wrong,especially the womenI’ve been involved with. Poor

me.When you accuse me of beingabusive, you are joining theparade of people who have beencruel and unfair to me. It provesyou’re just like the rest.It’s justifiable for me to do toyou whatever I feel you aredoing to me, and even to make itquite a bit worse to make sureyou get the message.Women who complain ofmistreatment by men, such asrelationship abuse or sexualharassment, are anti-male andout for blood.I’ve had it so hard that I’m notresponsible for my actions.THE TERRORIST

I worked for a few months with an abused womannamed Gloria who was wondering how muchlonger she would be alive. Her husband, Gerald,would glare at her, drum his fingers methodicallyon the table, and say: “You have six months left.Things better shape up around here. Six months.”Her head would swim and her heart would racewith fear, and she would plead with him to tellwhat exactly he planned to do to her at the end ofthat period. And he would answer, with maybejust a hint of a cold smile: “Just wait and see, justwait and see. Six months, Gloria.” Gerald hadnever laid a hand on Gloria in the five years theyhad been together, but she was terrified. Shestarted working with me on making an escapeplan to run away with their two-year-old son.The Terrorist tends to be both highly controllingand extremely demanding. His worst aspect,however, is that he frequently reminds his partnerthat he could physically rip her to pieces or evenkill her. He doesn’t necessarily beat her, however;

some abusers know how to terrorize their partnerswith threats, strange veiled statements, and bizarrebehaviors. One of my violent clients cut an articleout of the newspaper about a woman who hadbeen murdered by her husband, and he taped it upon the refrigerator. Another man responded to hispartner’s announcement that she was leaving himby spilling the blood of an animal in front of thehouse. Another client would take out his gunwhen he was angry at his partner but would insistthat he was just going to clean it and that it hadnothing to do with her.Unlike most other abusers, the Terrorist oftenseems to be sadistic: He gets enjoyment out ofcausing pain and fear and seems to find crueltythrilling. He is likely to have been severely abusedas a child, which generally is not true of otherabusers. However, you cannot help him to heal.This may be difficult to accept, since the hope ofhelping him overcome his problems may be whatgets you through the terror of living with him. The

Terrorist’s problems are much too deep for apartner to solve, as they involve a complex weaveof serious psychological problems with the typicaldestructive nature of an abuser. You need to focusinstead on getting yourself safe. The Terrorist’stop goal is to paralyze you with fear so that youwon’t dare think of leaving him or cheating onhim. The great majority of abusers who makelethal threats against their partners never carrythem out, but that still leaves many who do. Thetrauma of living with this kind of terror can beprofound and can make it extremely difficult foryou to think clearly about strategies for escapingto safety. However, most women do manage to getout. The critical first step is to seek confidentialhelp as soon as possible. Begin by calling anabuse hotline as soon as you safely can (see“Resources”). There are more suggestions inChapter 9.When a woman does leave the Terrorist, he maystalk or threaten her, and this dangerous

harassment can continue for a long time. If thecouple has children, he may attempt to get custodyor unsupervised visitation, so that he can terrorizeor control her through the children. He also mayuse information he has about her, such as whereshe works or where her parents live, to track herand to threaten her loved ones. It is essential thatfriends, relatives, courts, and communitiesunderstand the realities of these risks and givethe woman the most complete support andprotection possible, while simultaneously takingsteps to hold the abuser accountable. It may bepossible to stop the Terrorist from escalating tomurder, but only if he gets a strong message thatstalking and threatening an ex-partner isunacceptable, that he is responsible for his ownactions, and that the community is prepared to jailhim if his threatening behavior does not stopimmediately. Actions short of these are ofteninsufficient.Chapter 10 contains more information for a

woman who is involved in a custody or visitationbattle with an abuser or for those who areconcerned that one may start.The central attitudes driving theTerrorist are:You have no right to defy me orleave me. Your life is in myhands.Women are evil and have to bekept terrorized to prevent thatevil from coming forth.I would rather die than acceptyour right to independence.The children are one of the besttools I can use to make youfearful.Seeing you terrified is excitingand satisfying.

THE MENTALLY ILL OR ADDICTEDABUSERThis last category is not actually separate from theothers; an abusive man of any of theaforementioned styles can also have psychiatric orsubstance-abuse problems, although the majoritydo not. Even when mental illness or addiction is afactor, it is not the cause of a man’s abuse of hispartner, but it can contribute to the severity of hisproblem and his resistance to change. When theseadditional problems are present, it is important tobe aware of the following points:1. Certain mental illnesses can increase thechance that an abuser will be dangerousand use physical violence. These includeparanoia, severe depression, delusionsor hallucinations (psychosis), obsessivecompulsivedisorder, and antisocialpersonality disorder known as

psychopathy or sociopathy). Thesepsychiatric conditions also make it nextto impossible for an abuser to change, atleast until the mental illness has beenbrought under control through therapyand/or medication, which can takeyears. Even if the mental illness isproperly treated, his abusiveness won’tnecessarily change.2. An abuser’s reactions to going on or offmedication are unpredictable. A womanshould take extra precautions for hersafety at such a time. Abusers tend to gooff medication before long—I have hadfew clients who were consistent andresponsible about taking their meds inthe long term. They don’t like the sideeffects, and they are too selfish to careabout the implications of the mentalillness for their partners or children.3. The potential danger of a mentally ill

abuser has to be assessed by looking atthe severity of his psychiatric symptomsin combination with the severity of hisabuse characteristics. Looking at hispsychiatric symptoms alone can lead tounderestimating how dangerous he is.4. Antisocial personality disorder ispresent in only a small percentage ofabusers but can be important. Thosewho suffer from this condition lack aconscience and thus are repeatedlyinvolved in behaviors that are harmful toothers. Some signs of this conditioninclude: (a) He started getting intoillegal behavior when he was still ateenager; (b) his dishonest or aggressivebehavior involves situations unrelated tohis partner, rather than being restrictedto her; (c) he periodically gets intotrouble at workplaces or in othercontexts for stealing, threatening, or

efusing to follow instructions and islikely to have a considerable criminalrecord by about age thirty, though theoffenses may be largely minor ones; (d)he is severely and chronicallyirresponsible in a way that disrupts thelives of others or creates danger; and (e)he tends to cheat on women a lot, turnthem against each other, and maintainshallow relationships with them. Thepsychopath’s physical violence is notnecessarily severe, contrary to thepopular image, but he may be verydangerous nonetheless. Antisocialpersonality disorder is very difficult tochange through therapy, and there is noeffective medication for treating it. It ishighly compatible with abusivenesstoward women.5. Those who suffer from narcissisticpersonality disorder have a highly

distorted self-image. They are unable toaccept that they might have faults andtherefore are unable to imagine howother people perceive them. Thiscondition is highly compatible withabusiveness, though it is present in onlya small percentage of abusive men.Clues to the presence of this disorderinclude: (a) Your partner’s selfcenterednessis severe, and it carriesover into situations that don’t involveyou; (b) he seems to relate everythingback to himself; and (c) he is outragedwhenever anyone criticizes him and isincapable of considering that he couldever be anything other than kind andgenerous. This disorder is highlyresistant to therapy and is not treatablewith medication. The abuser with thisdisorder is not able to changesubstantially through an abuser program

either, although he sometimes makessome minor improvements.6. Many abusers who are not mentally illwant women to think that they are, inorder to avoid responsibility for theirattitudes and behavior.Substance abuse, like mental illness, does notcause partner abuse but can increase the risk ofviolence. Like the mentally ill abuser, the addictedabuser doesn’t change unless he deals with hisaddiction, and even that is only the first step.Chapter 8 examines the role that substances playin partner abuse.The attitudes driving the mentally ill or addictedbatterer are the same as those of other abusers andwill likely follow the pattern of one of the ninestyles described above. In addition, the followingattitudes tend to be present:I am not responsible for my

actions because of mypsychological or substanceproblems.If you challenge me about myabusiveness, you are being meanto me, considering these otherproblems I have. It also showsthat you don’t understand myother problems.I’m not abusive, I’m just———(alcoholic, drug addicted,manic-depressive, an adult childof alcoholics, or whatever hiscondition may be).If you challenge me, it willtrigger my addiction or mentalillness, and you’ll be responsiblefor what I do.Although I have focused on the emotionally

abusive styles of these different kinds of abusers,any of them may also use physical violence,including sexual assault. Although the Terroristand the Drill Sergeant are especially likely tobecome dangerous, they are not the only ones whomay do so. Many abusers occasionally usephysical violence or threats as a way to intimidateyou when they feel that their power or control overyou is slipping; violence for them is a kind of“trump card” they use when their normal patternsof psychological abuse are not getting them thedegree of control they feel entitled to. If you areconcerned about how dangerous your partner maybe, see “Is He Going to Get Violent?” in Chapter 6and “Leaving an Abuser Safely” in Chapter 9.KEY POINTS TO REMEMBERTremendous variation exists amongabusive styles. Your abusive partner may

e of a type I haven’t encountered yet,but that doesn’t make him any less real.Many men are mixtures of differentaspects.An abuser may change so much from dayto day that he couldn’t belong to anytype. This style of abuser is sounpredictable that his partner can nevermake sense out of what she is livingwith.An abuser of any type can have dayswhen he turns loving, attentive, andthoughtful. At these times, you may feelthat his problem has finally gone awayand that the relationship will return to itsrosy beginning. However, abuse alwayscomes back eventually unless the abuserhas dealt with his abusiveness.

PART IIThe Abusive Man in Relationships

5How Abuse BeginsI don’t understand what’s gone wrong.We used to be so close.I don’t know if there’s something wrongwith him or if it’s me.He really cares for me. He wants tospend every second together.My friends complain that they never seeme anymore.“THE GARDEN OF EDEN”—that’s what I callthe beginning of a relationship with an abuser. Forthe first few weeks or months, or longer, thewoman is walking on air. Remember Kristen and

Maury, whom we met in Chapter 1? Maury wasdazzling—entertaining, interesting, energetic—and Kristen was smitten. One of the things sheliked most about him was how crazy he was abouther. He pursued her avidly, seemed to likeeverything about her, and couldn’t get enough.She felt as though she had stepped into a top-40love song, the kind where “Everything Is PerfectNow That I’ve Met You.” This pattern is commonin abusive relationships; an abusive man is oftenunusually good at expressing an intensity of caringearly in a relationship and can make you feel sospecial and chosen—as if you were the onlyperson who could ever matter so much to him.Not every abusive man falls head over heels soquickly the way Maury did. Fran, whom we alsogot to know in Chapter 1, was quiet andwithdrawn early on, and Barbara was the pursuer.She was drawn powerfully to him because of hissweetness and sensitivity and for the challenge ofdrawing him out. What a triumph it was when she

finally got him to open up and then won him over!Sadness and mistrust were gnawing at his heart,she could see that, but she saw herself healinghim, like a tender nurse. She was excited by herconfident belief that she could bring out the personhe was capable of being.The idyllic opening is part of almost everyabusive relationship. How else would an abuserever have a partner? Women aren’t stupid. If yougo out to a restaurant on a giddy first date andover dessert the man calls you a “selfish bitch”and sends your water glass flying across the room,you don’t say: “Hey, are you free again nextweekend?” There has to be a hook. Very fewwomen hate themselves so thoroughly that theywill get involved with a man who is rotten fromthe very start—although they may feel terribleabout themselves later, once the abuser has hadtime to destroy their self-image step by step.THE POWER OF THOSE WONDERFUL

EARLY MONTHSThe partners of my clients have described to methe many ways in which the glowing beginning ofa relationship with an abusive man can serve toentrap a woman, including:Like any love-struck person, she runsaround telling her friends and familywhat a terrific guy he is. After talkinghim up so much, she feels embarrassedto reveal his mistreatment when itbegins, so she keeps it to herself for along time.She assumes that his abusiveness comesfrom something that has gone wronginside of him—what else is she toconclude, given how wonderful he was atfirst?—so she pours herself into figuringout what happened.She has a hard time letting go of her own

dream, since she thought she had found awonderful man.She can’t help wondering if she didsomething wrong or has some greatpersonal deficit that knocked down theircastle in the sky, so she tries to find thekey to the problem inside of herself.QUESTION 7:WHEN HE IS SO GOODEARLY ON, IS HE PLANNINGTO BE ABUSIVE LATER?One of the questions about abuse that I amasked most frequently is: When an abusive man isbeing charming at the beginning of a relationship,is he already thinking ahead to abusing thewoman? Does he have it all planned out? Is hedeliberately hooking her emotionally so he can be

cruel to her later? The answer is usually no. Theabuser doesn’t picture himself yelling, degradingher, or hurling objects at her. As he falls in love,he dreams of a happy future of conjugal bliss, justas the woman does.So, if he isn’t laying plans to hurt her, what isgoing on in his mind? First, he is gazing longinglyat the image he holds of the future, where thewoman meets all of his needs, is beautiful andsexy at all times of the day and night, has no needsof her own, and is in awe of his brilliance andcharm. He desires a woman who will cater to himand never complain about anything he does ordarken his day with frustrations or unhappinessabout her own life.The abusive man doesn’t expose these selffocusedfantasies to his new partner. In fact, he islargely unaware of them himself. So she has noway of knowing that he is looking more for apersonal caretaker than for a partner. In fact,abusers tend to use the language of mutuality

during the dating period:“We are going to be really good for eachother.”“I want to be with you all the time.”“I really want to be there for you.”“You can stop working for now so that you canfinish school, and we can live off of myincome.”“I’ll help you study for that medical assistantexam, so that you can get that promotion.”He may truly believe his own promises, becausehe wants to see himself as a generous andthoughtful partner, one who does not use ordisrespect women. Later, when he begins tocontrol the woman and take advantage of her, hewill find ways to convince himself that it’s not

happening or that it is her fault. Abuse is not hisgoal, but control is, and he finds himself usingabuse to gain the control he feels he has a right to.On the other hand, a certain number of myclients are consciously manipulative from theoutset. A man of this style smiles knowingly atme, assuming that every man uses the same ploys,and says, “Of course you have to charm the ladiesand listen to them blabber on and on, they likethat. You talk the nice talk a little, you take themdancing. You know how it is.” But even this manis generally not calculating to abuse the womanlater. He creates the kind of relationship he wantsthrough charm and dishonesty and expects tocontinue in that mode for good. Manipulation feelsclean and satisfying to this style of abuser, whiledegrading language and physical intimidation donot. When he does start to tear her down orfrighten her later, he will blame it on her, probablythinking of her as a “bitch” for not allowing himto lie and manipulate his way through life. And he

doesn’t consider manipulation abusive.AN ABUSER IS NEITHER A MONSTERNOR A VICTIMWe arrive now at two of the most importantconcepts regarding abusive men. First:AN ABUSER IS A HUMAN BEING, NOTAN EVIL MONSTER, BUT HE HAS APROFOUNDLY COMPLEX ANDDESTRUCTIVE PROBLEM THATSHOULD NOT BE UNDERESTIMATED.The common view of abusive men as evil,calculating brutes can make it difficult for awoman to recognize her partner’s problem. Shetends to think: My partner really cares about meand has a good side to him. He has feelings; he’snot a sadist. He couldn’t be an abuser. Shedoesn’t realize that he can have all these positivequalities and still have an abuse problem.

At the other end of the spectrum we find anequally common—and equally misleading—viewof abusers: the abuser as a man whose gentlehumanity is just barely hidden under his abusivesurface and who can be transformed by love,compassion, and insight. One morning he willwake up to realize how hurtful he has been andwill renounce his cruelty, particularly if he has thelove of a good woman. This outlook is portrayedand supported in popular songs, movies, romanticnovels, and soap operas. The painful reality is thatbringing about change in abusers is difficult. Anabusive man has to bury his compassion in a deephole in order to escape the profound inherentaversion that human beings have to seeing otherssuffer. He has to adhere tightly to his excuses andrationalizations, develop a disturbing ability toinsulate himself from the pain he is causing, andlearn to enjoy power and control over his femalepartners. It is unrealistic to expect such a complexstructure, one that takes fifteen or twenty years to

form, to vanish like steam. Yet women are oftenpressured by friends, family, or professionals to“give him a chance to change” and “have a littlefaith in people.”The second critical understanding is:AN ABUSER’S BEHAVIOR ISPRIMARILY CONSCIOUS—HE ACTSDELIBERATELY RATHER THAN BYACCIDENT OR BY LOSING CONTROL OFHIMSELF—BUT THE UNDERLYINGTHINKING THAT DRIVES HISBEHAVIOR IS LARGELY NOTCONSCIOUS.An abuser learns manipulative and controllingbehavior from several sources, including key malerole models, peers, and pervasive culturalmessages (see Chapter 13). By the time he reachesadulthood, he has integrated manipulativebehavior to such a deep level that he acts largely

on automatic. He knows what he is doing but notnecessarily why. Consider the following call Ireceived from Kelsea, the partner of a client:Lance wanted me to go skiing with him thisweekend, but I really didn’t feel like it becauseI’d had an exhausting week and wanted tospend time with my friends. When I said no, hedove into criticizing me. He said the reason whyI’ve never become a good skier is that I won’tstick with it, that I’m not willing to give thingsa chance and work at them, that I’m lazy andthat’s why I never get good at anything, and soforth. It felt awful…But, you know, I think in away he’s right—maybe I should be moredisciplined about learning to ski.Where was Lance’s stream of put-downscoming from? Was he really concerned thatKelsea was letting herself down? No. A mandoesn’t tear down his partner’s self-esteem out ofa desire to help her. The real issue concerned what

Lance wanted for himself: He wanted Kelsea tokeep him company for the weekend because hedidn’t feel like going skiing alone. He resented herchoice to make her friendships central in her life—a common theme with abusive men—and believedthat it was her duty to be by his side and focus onhim. He was hammering her with whatever putdownshe could think of in order to bully her intogoing (and was having some success in gettingher to doubt herself). When some members of hisabuser group challenged him about his behaviorsat his next session, his real motives and attitudesbecame apparent; much of my work as a counselorinvolves helping abusive men to becomeconscious of, and face up to, their real reasons forchoosing to behave as they do.EARLY WARNING SIGNSWhen women hear how charming abusers can be—or when they experience it directly—they feel at

a loss. They ask, “Does this mean there is no wayto avoid an abusive relationship? How can I tellwhether I should worry about my new partner?”Fortunately, most abusers put out warning signalsbefore their abuse goes into full gear. The signs towatch for should be part of every girl’s educationbefore she starts dating.QUESTION 8:HOW CAN I TELL IF A MANI’M SEEING WILL BECOMEABUSIVE?The following warning flags mean that abusecould be down the road, and perhaps not far:• He speaks disrespectfully about his formerpartners.A certain amount of anger and resentment towardan ex-partner is normal, but beware of the man

who is very focused on his bitterness or who tellsyou about it inappropriately early on in yourdating. Be especially cautious of the man whotalks about women from his past in degrading orcondescending ways or who characterizes himselfas a victim of abuse by women. Be alert if he saysthat his previous wife or girlfriend falsely accusedhim of being abusive; the great majority of reportsof abuse are accurate. When you hear that anotherwoman considers him abusive, always find a wayto get her side of the story. Even if you end up notbelieving her, you will at least know the behaviorsto watch out for in him, just in case. Be cautiousalso of the man who admits to abusing a formerpartner but claims that the circumstances wereexceptional, blames it on her, or blames it onalcohol or immaturity.Be cautious of the man who says that you arenothing like the other women he has beeninvolved with, that you are the first partner to treathim well, or that earlier women in his life have not

understood him. You will be tempted to workdoubly hard to prove that you aren’t like thoseother women, and one foot will already be in thetrap. It won’t be long before he is telling you thatyou are “just like the rest of them.” His perceptualsystem ensures that no woman can be a goodwoman while she is involved with him.A few men have the opposite approach, whichis to glorify and elevate their former partners sothat you feel like you can never quite compete. Ifhe starts to lament the fact that you aren’t as sexy,athletic, domestic, or successful as the womenwho went before you, I can assure you that youwon’t measure up any better later, no matter howhard you try. He wants to feel one up on you sothat he can have the upper hand.Notice whether he seems to accept anyresponsibility for what went wrong in his previousrelationships. If everything was always thewomen’s fault, you will soon be to blame for alldifficulties in this new relationship.

• He is disrespectful toward you.Disrespect is the soil in which abuse grows. If aman puts you down or sneers at your opinions, ifhe is rude to you in front of other people, if he iscutting or sarcastic, he is communicating a lack ofrespect. If these kinds of behaviors are a recurringproblem, or if he defends them when youcomplain about how they affect you, control andabuse are likely to be in the offing. Disrespect alsocan take the form of idealizing you and puttingyou on a pedestal as a perfect woman or goddess,perhaps treating you like a piece of fine china. Theman who worships you in this way is not seeingyou; he is seeing his fantasy, and when you fail tolive up to that image he may turn nasty. So theremay not be much difference between the man whotalks down to you and the one who elevates you;both are displaying a failure to respect you as areal human being and bode ill.• He does favors for you that you don’t want orputs on such a show of generosity that it makes

you uncomfortable.These can be signs of a man who is attempting tocreate a sense of indebtedness. My client Alan, forexample, spent much of his first two years withTory helping her brother fix his car, helping hersister paint her new apartment, and transportingher father to medical appointments. When Tory’sfamily started to become upset about how Alanwas treating her, Alan was able to convince herthat her relatives had taken advantage of him andwere now turning against him unfairly. He said,“Now that they don’t need my help anymore theywant to get me out of the way so they can haveyou to themselves.” Alan succeeded in gettingTory to feel sorry for him, thereby driving a wedgebetween her and her family that endured for yearsuntil she saw through Alan’s manipulation.A man named Robert combined these first twowarning signs: He told Lana that his ex-wife hadfalsely accused him of violence in order to keephim from seeing his boys. He said, “If a woman

tells the family court that she wants the father’svisits to be supervised, they give it to herautomatically.” Lana’s heart naturally went out tohim. But two things happened that made heruneasy. First, Robert called after a snowstorm andoffered to shovel her driveway. She said, “Oh,please don’t,” because she wasn’t sure howserious she felt about him and didn’t want to leadhim on. When she got off the train from work thatafternoon, she found her driveway completelycleared. Second, Lana happened by coincidence tohave a female friend who was divorcing anabuser, and she learned from her friend that thefamily court required extensive evidence ofviolence in order to consider imposing supervisedvisitation on the father. She found herselfwondering what Robert’s ex-wife might have tosay.• He is controlling.At first it can be exciting to be with a man whotakes charge. Here’s a typical story from the

partner of one of my clients:Our first few dates were exciting and fun. Iremember him arriving at my house with ourevening all planned out. He’d say, “We’regoing to the Parker House for a drink, thenwe’re having a Chinese dinner, and then I’vegot tickets for a comedy club.” It would all haveto go according to plan. At first I loved the wayhe would design what he wanted to do with me.But then I started to notice that he rarelyconsidered what I might want to do. We keptgoing out to things that he enjoys, like hockeygames. I enjoy the hockey games, too, but it’snot my top interest. And after a few months, hestarted to get annoyed if I wasn’t in the mood todo what he wanted.Control usually begins in subtle ways, far fromanything you would call abuse. He dropscomments about your clothes or your looks (toosexy or not sexy enough); is a little negative about

your family or one of your good friends; starts topressure you to spend more time with him or toquit your job or to get a better job that pays more;starts to give too much advice about how youshould manage your own life and shows a hint ofimpatience when you resist his recommendations;or begins to act bothered that you don’t share allof his opinions about politics, personalrelationships, music, or other tastes.• He is possessive.Jealous behavior is one of the surest signs thatabuse is down the road. Possessivenessmasquerades as love. A man may say: “I’m sorry Igot so bent out of shape about you talking to yourex-boyfriend, but I’ve never been so crazy about awoman before. I just can’t stand thinking of youwith another man.” He may call five times a daykeeping track of what you are doing all the time orinsist on spending every evening with you. Hisfeelings for you probably are powerful, but that’snot why he wants constant contact; he is keeping

tabs on you, essentially establishing that you arehis domain. Depending on what kind of friends hehas, he also may be trying to impress them withhow well he has you under his thumb. All of thesebehaviors are about ownership, not love.Jealous feelings are not the same as behaviors.A man with some insecurities may naturally feelanxious about your associations with other men,especially ex-partners, and might want somereassurance. But if he indicates that he expectsyou to give up your freedom to accommodate hisjealousy, control is creeping up. Your social lifeshouldn’t have to change because of hisinsecurities.A man’s jealousy can be flattering. It feels greatthat he is wildly in love with you, that he wantsyou so badly. But a man can be crazy about youwithout being jealous. Possessiveness shows thathe doesn’t love you as an independent humanbeing but rather as a guarded treasure. After awhile, you will feel suffocated by his constant

vigilance.• Nothing is ever his fault.He blames something or someone for anythingthat goes wrong. As time goes by, the target of hisblame increasingly becomes you. This style ofman also tends to make promises that he doesn’tkeep, coming up with a steady stream of excusesfor disappointing you or behaving irresponsibly,and perhaps taking serious economic advantage ofyou in the process.• He is self-centered.In the first few months of a relationship, theabuser’s self-centeredness is not always apparent,but there are symptoms you can watch for. Noticewhether he does a lot more than his share of thetalking, listens poorly when you speak, andchronically shifts the topic of conversation back tohimself. Self-centeredness is a personalitycharacteristic that is highly resistant to change, asit has deep roots in either profound entitlement (in

abusers) or to severe early emotional injuries (innonabusers), or both (in narcissistic abusers).• He abuses drugs or alcohol.Be especially careful if he pressures you toparticipate in substance use with him. Althoughsubstances do not cause partner abuse, they oftengo hand in hand. He may try to hook you intobelieving that you can help him get clean andsober; substance abusers are often “just about” toquit.• He pressures you for sex.This warning sign is always important, but evenmore so for teenagers and young adult men. Notrespecting your wishes or feelings regarding sexspeaks of exploitativeness, which in turn goeswith abuse. It also is a sign of seeing women assex objects rather than human beings. If he saysyou need to have sex with him to prove that youtruly love and care for him, give him his walkingpapers.

• He gets serious too quickly about therelationship.Because so many men are commitment-phobic, awoman can feel relieved to find a partner whoisn’t afraid to talk about marriage and family. Butwatch out if he jumps too soon into planning yourfuture together without taking enough time to getto know you and grow close, because it can meanthat he’s trying to wrap you up tightly into apackage that he can own. Take steps to slowthings down a little. If he won’t respect yourwishes in this regard, there is probably troubleahead.• He intimidates you when he’s angry.Intimidation, even if it appears unintentional, is asign that emotional abuse is on the way—or hasalready begun—and is a warning flag thatphysical violence may eventually follow. Any ofthe following behaviors should put you on alert:

He gets too close to you when he’s angry,puts a finger in your face, pokes you,pushes you, blocks your way, or restrainsyou.He tells you that he is “just trying tomake you listen.”He raises a fist, towers over you, shoutsyou down, or behaves in any other waythat makes you flinch or feel afraid.He makes vaguely threateningcomments, such as, “You don’t want tosee me mad” or “You don’t know whoyou’re messing with.”He drives recklessly or speeds up whenhe’s angry.He punches walls or kicks doors.He throws things around, even if theydon’t hit you.The more deeply involved you become with an

intimidating man, the more difficult it will be toget out of the relationship. Unfortunately, manywomen believe just the opposite: They think, Well,he does scare me a little sometimes, but I’ll waitand see if it gets worse, and I’ll leave him if itdoes. But getting away from someone who hasbecome frightening is much more complicatedthan most people realize, and it gets harder witheach day that passes. Don’t wait around to see.He has double standards.Beware of the man who has a different set of rulesfor his behavior than for yours. Double standardsare an important aspect of life with an abuser, aswe will see in Chapter 6.• He has negative attitudes toward women.A man may claim early in a relationship that heviews you in a light different from that in whichhe sees women in general, but the distinctionwon’t last. If you are a woman, why be involvedwith someone who sees women as inferior, stupid,

conniving, or only good for sex? He isn’t going toforget for long that you’re a woman.Stereotyped beliefs about women’s sex rolesalso contribute to the risk of abuse. His convictionthat women should take care of the home, or that aman’s career is more important than a woman’s,can become a serious problem, because he maypunish you when you start refusing to live in hisbox. Women sometimes find it challenging tomeet men who don’t have restrictive beliefs aboutwomen’s roles, particularly within certain culturalor national groups, but the effort to meet such menis an important one.• He treats you differently around other people.Adult abusers tend to put on a show of treatingtheir partners like gold when anyone is watching,reserving most of their abuse for times when noone else will see. In teenage abusers the oppositeis often true. He may be rude and cold with her infront of other people to impress his friends withhow “in control” and “cool” he is but be

somewhat nicer when they are alone together.• He appears to be attracted to vulnerability.One way that this warning sign manifests itself isin cases of men who are attracted to women (orgirls) who are much younger than they are. Why,for example, does a twenty-two-year-old manpursue a sixteen-year-old adolescent? Because heis stimulated and challenged by her? Obviouslynot. They are at completely differentdevelopmental points in life with a dramaticimbalance in their levels of knowledge andexperience. He is attracted to power and seeks apartner who will look up to him with awe andallow him to lead her. Of course, he usually tellsher the opposite, insisting that he wants to be withher because of how unusually mature andsophisticated she is for her age. He may evencompliment her on her sexual prowess and sayhow much power she has over him, setting up theyoung victim so that she won’t recognize what ishappening to her. Even without a chronological

age difference, some abusive men are drawn towomen who have less life experience, knowledge,or self-confidence, and who will look up to theman as a teacher or mentor.I have had quite a number of clients over theyears who are attracted to women who arevulnerable because of recent traumatic experiencesin their lives, including many who have startedrelationships by helping a woman break awayfrom an abusive partner and then start to control orabuse her themselves. Some abusive men seek outa woman who comes from a troubled or abusivechildhood, who has health problems, or who hassuffered a recent severe loss, and presentthemselves as rescuers. Be alert for the man whoseems to be attracted to power imbalances.At the same time, I have observed that there areplenty of abusive men who are not particularlyattracted to vulnerability or neediness in womenand who are more drawn to tougher or moresuccessful women. This style of abuser appears to

feel that he has caught a bigger fish if he can reelin an accomplished, self-confident woman todominate.THE WARNING SIGNS OF ABUSEHe speaks disrespectfully about hisformer partners.He is disrespectful toward you.He does favors for you that you don’twant or puts on such a show ofgenerosity that it makes youuncomfortable.He is controlling.He is possessive.Nothing is ever his fault.He is self-centered.

He abuses drugs or alcohol.He pressures you for sex.He gets serious too quickly about therelationship.He intimidates you when he’s angry.He has double standards.He has negative attitudes towardwomen.He treats you differently around otherpeople.He appears to be attracted tovulnerability.No single one of the warning signs above is asure sign of an abusive man, with the exception ofphysical intimidation. Many nonabusive men mayexhibit a number of these behaviors to a limiteddegree. What, then, should a woman do to protectherself from having a relationship turn abusive?

Although there is no foolproof solution, the bestplan is:1. Make it clear to him as soon as possiblewhich behaviors or attitudes areunacceptable to you and that you cannotbe in a relationship with him if theycontinue.2. If it happens again, stop seeing him fora substantial period of time. Don’t keepseeing him with the warning that thistime you “really mean it,” because hewill probably interpret that to mean thatyou don’t.3. If it happens a third time, or if heswitches to other behaviors that arewarning flags, chances are great that hehas an abuse problem. If you give himtoo many chances, you are likely toregret it later. For further suggestions,see “Leaving an Abuser as a Way to

Promote Change” in Chapter 14.Finally, be aware that as an abuser begins hisslide into abuse, he believes that you are the onewho is changing. His perceptions work this waybecause he feels so justified in his actions that hecan’t imagine the problem might be with him. Allhe notices is that you don’t seem to be living up tohis image of the perfect, all-giving, deferentialwoman.WHEN IS IT ABUSE?Since abuse can sneak up on a woman, beginningwith subtle control or disrespect that gainsintensity over time, some burning questionsemerge: How do I know when my partner is beingabusive? Is there a distinct line that I can keep myeye on, so that I know when he has crossed it?How much is too much? Since nobody’s perfect,how do I know the difference between a bad daywhen he’s just being a jerk and a pattern that adds

up to something more serious?It’s true that almost everyone does yell at onepoint or another in a relationship, and mostpeople, male or female, call their partners a namefrom time to time, interrupt, or act selfish orinsensitive. These behaviors are hurtful andworthy of criticism, but they aren’t all abuse, andthey don’t all have the same psychological effectsthat abuse does. At the same time, all of thesebehaviors are abusive when they are part of apattern of abuse. Being yelled at by a respectfulpartner feels bad, but it doesn’t cause the samechilled, ugly atmosphere that an abuser’s yells do.The term abuse is about power; it means that aperson is taking advantage of a power imbalanceto exploit or control someone else. Whereverpower imbalances exist, such as between men andwomen, or adults and children, or between richand poor, some people will take advantage ofthose circumstances for their own purposes. (As Idiscuss in Chapter 13, partner abuse has been

found not to exist in societies where males andfemales have equal power.) Thus the definingpoint of abuse is when the man starts to exercisepower over the woman in a way that causes harmto her and creates a privileged status for him.QUESTION 9:IS THE WAY HE IS TREATINGME ABUSE?The lines where subtler kinds of mistreatmentend and abuse begins include the followingactions:• He retaliates against you for complaining abouthis behavior.Let’s say your partner calls you a bitch one day.You are angry, and you let him know that youdeeply dislike that word and don’t ever want to becalled that again. However, he responds to your

grievance by making a point of calling you a bitchmore often. Maybe he even gets a certain look inhis eye now when he does it because he knows itgets under your skin. Similarly, you may say toyour partner in an argument, “Stop yelling at me, Ihate being yelled at,” so he raises his voice louderand blames it on you. These are signs of abuse.Another way he can retaliate against you forresisting his control is to switch into the role ofvictim. Suppose that you complain about beingsilenced by his constant interruptions duringarguments. He then gets a huffy, hostile tone in hisvoice as if your objection were unfair to him andsays sarcastically, “All right, I’ll just listen andyou talk,” and acts as if you are oppressing him bycalling him on his behavior. This is an effort tomake you feel guilty for resisting his control and isthe beginning of abuse.And some men ridicule the woman when shecomplains of mistreatment, openly laughing at heror mimicking her. These behaviors remove all

doubt about whether he is abusive.Retaliation may not always be as clear andimmediate as it is in these examples. But you cantell when your partner’s behavior is designed topunish you for standing up to him, even if itdoesn’t come out until a couple of days later. Hedoesn’t believe that you have the right to defy him,and he tries to hurt you so that next time youwon’t.• He tells you that your objections to hismistreatment are your own problem.When a woman attempts to set limits oncontrolling or insensitive behavior, an abuserwants her to doubt her perceptions, so he saysthings such as:“You’re too sensitive; every little thing bothersyou. It shouldn’t be any big deal.”“Not everyone is all nicey-nice when they’reangry like you want them to be.”

“Don’t start talking to me like I’m abusive justbecause your ex-boyfriend (or your parents)abused you. You think everyone is abusingyou.”“You’re just angry because you aren’t gettingyour way, so you’re saying I’m mistreatingyou.”Through comments like these, the abuser cantry to persuade you that: (1) you haveunreasonable expectations for his behavior, andyou should be willing to live with the things hedoes; (2) you are actually reacting to somethingelse in your life, not to what he did; and (3) youare using your grievances as a power move againsthim. All of these tactics are forms of discreditingyour complaints of mistreatment, which isabusive. His discrediting maneuvers reveal a coreattitude, which he never explicitly states and maynot even be aware of consciously himself: “Youhave no right to object to how I treat you.” And

you can’t be in a fair and healthy relationship ifyou can’t raise grievances.• He gives apologies that sound insincere orangry, and he demands that you accept them.The following exchange illustrates how thisdynamic plays out:AIRE: I still feel like you don’t understand why Iwas upset by what you did. You haven’t evenapologized.NNY (Angry and loud): All right, all right! I’msorry, I’M SORRY!!AIRE (Shaking her head): You don’t get it.NNY: What the fuck do you want from me?? Iapologized already! What, you won’t be satisfieduntil you have your pound of flesh??AIRE: Your apology doesn’t mean anything to

me when you obviously aren’t sorry.NNY: What do you mean I’m not sorry?? Don’ttell me what I’m feeling, Little Ms. Analyst!You’re not inside my head.This interaction only serves to make Claire feelworse, of course, as Danny adds insults and crazymakingdenial to whatever she was already upsetabout. Danny feels that Claire should be gratefulfor his apology, even though his tonecommunicated the opposite of his words; he infact feels entitled to forgiveness, and he demandsit. (He also considers it his prerogative to insistthat she accept his version of reality, no matterhow much it collides with everything she sees andhears; in this sense, he apparently sees her mind aspart of what he has the right to control.)• He blames you for the impact of his behavior.Abuse counselors say of the abusive client: “Whenhe looks at himself in the morning and sees his

dirty face, he sets about washing the mirror.” Inother words, he becomes upset and accusatorywhen his partner exhibits the predictable effects ofchronic mistreatment, and then he adds insult toinjury by ridiculing her for feeling hurt by him. Heeven uses her emotional injuries as excuses tomistreat her further. If his verbal assaults causeher to lose interest in having sex with him, forexample, he snarls accusingly, “You must begetting it somewhere else.” If she is increasinglymistrustful of him because of his mistreatment ofher, he says that her lack of trust is causing her toperceive him as abusive, reversing cause andeffect in a mind-twisting way. If she is depressedor weepy one morning because he tore her apartverbally the night before, he says, “If you’re goingto be such a drag today, why don’t you just goback to bed so I won’t have to look at you?”If your partner criticizes or puts you down forbeing badly affected by his mistreatment, that’sabuse. Similarly, it’s abuse when he uses the

effects of his cruelty as an excuse, like a client Ihad who drove his partner away with his verbalassaults and then told her that her emotionaldistancing was causing his abuse, thus reversingcause and effect. He is kicking you when you’realready down, and he knows it. Seek help foryourself quickly, as this kind of psychologicalassault can cause your emotional state to rapidlydecline.• It’s never the right time, or the right way, tobring things up.In any relationship, it makes sense to use somesensitivity in deciding when and how to tackle adifficult relationship issue. There are ways to worda grievance that avoid making it sound like apersonal attack, and if you mix in someappreciation you increase the chance that yourpartner will hear you. But with an abuser, no wayto bring up a complaint is the right way. You canwait until the calmest, most relaxed evening,prepare your partner with plenty of verbal

stroking, express your grievance in mild language,but he still won’t be willing to take it in.Initial defensiveness or hostility toward agrievance is common even in nonabusive people.Sometimes you have to leave an argument andcome back to it in a couple of hours, or the nextday, and then you find your partner more preparedto take in what is bothering you. With an abuser,however, the passage of time doesn’t help. Hedoesn’t spend the intervening period digestingyour comments and struggling to face what he did,the way a nonabusive person might. In fact hedoes the opposite, appearing to mentally build uphis case against your complaint as if he werepreparing to go before a judge.• He undermines your progress in life.Interference with your freedom or independence isabuse. If he causes you to lose a job or to drop outof a school program; discourages you frompursuing your dreams; causes damage to yourrelationships with friends or relatives; takes

advantage of you financially and damages youreconomic progress or security; or tells you that youare incompetent at something you enjoy, such aswriting, artwork, or business, as a way to get youto give it up, he is trying to undermine yourindependence.• He denies what he did.Some behaviors in a relationship can be matters ofjudgment; what one person calls a raised voiceanother might call yelling, and there is room forreasonable people to disagree. But other actions,such as calling someone a name or pounding a fiston the table, either happened or they didn’t. Sowhile a nonabusive partner might argue with youabout how you are interpreting his behavior, theabuser denies his actions altogether.• He justifies his hurtful or frightening acts orsays that you “made him do it.”When you tell your partner that his yellingfrightens you, for example, and he responds that

he has every right to yell “because you’re notlistening to me,” that’s abuse. The abuser usesyour behavior as an excuse for his own. Hetherefore refuses to commit unconditionally to stopusing a degrading or intimidating behavior.Instead, he insists on setting up a quid pro quo,where he says he’ll stop some form of abuse if youagree to give up something that bothers him,which often will be something that you have everyright to do.• He touches you in anger or puts you in fear inother ways.Physical aggression by a man toward his partneris abuse, even if it happens only once. If he raisesa fist; punches a hole in the wall; throws things atyou; blocks your way; restrains you; grabs,pushes, or pokes you; or threatens to hurt you,that’s physical abuse. He is creating fear andusing your need for physical freedom and safety asa way to control you. Call a hot line as soon aspossible if any of these things happens to you.

Sometimes a partner can frighten youinadvertently because he is unaware of how hisactions affect you. For example, he might comefrom a family or culture where people yell loudlyand wave their arms around during arguments,while those from your background are quiet andpolite. The nonabusive man in thesecircumstances will be very concerned when youinform him that he is frightening you and willwant to take steps to keep that from happeningagain—unconditionally.Physical abuse is dangerous. Once it starts in arelationship, it can escalate over time to moreserious assaults such as slapping, punching, orchoking. Even if it doesn’t, so-called “lower-level”physical abuse can frighten you, give your partnerpower over you, and start to affect your ability tomanage your own life. Any form of physicalintimidation is highly upsetting to children whoare exposed to it. No assault in a relationship,however “minor,” should be taken lightly.

I am often asked whether physical aggressionby women toward men, such as a slap in the face,is abuse. The answer is: “It depends.” Mentypically experience women’s shoves or slaps asannoying and infuriating rather than intimidating,so the long-term emotional effects are lessdamaging. It is rare to find a man who hasgradually lost his freedom or self-esteem becauseof a woman’s aggressiveness. I object to any formof physical aggression in relationships except forwhat is truly essential for self-defense, but Ireserve the word abuse for situations of control orintimidation.A woman can intimidate another woman,however, and a man can be placed in fear by hismale partner. Most of what I have described aboutthe thinking and the tactics of heterosexualabusers is also true of abusive gay men andlesbians. We look more at this issue in Chapter 6.• He coerces you into having sex or sexuallyassaults you.

I have had clients who raped or sexually coercedtheir partners repeatedly over the course of therelationship but never once hit them. Sexualcoercion or force in a relationship is abuse.Studies indicate that women who are raped byintimate partners suffer even deeper and longerlastingeffects than those who are raped bystrangers or nonintimate acquaintances. If youhave experienced sexual assault or chronic sexualpressure in your relationship, call an abuse hotlineor a rape hotline, even if you don’t feel that theterm rape applies to what your partner did.• His controlling, disrespectful, or degradingbehavior is a pattern.This item is as important as the others but requiresthe most judgment and ability to trust yourinstincts. When exactly does a behavior become apattern? If it happens three times a year? If ithappens once a week? There is no answer thatapplies to all actions or to all people. You willneed to form your own conclusions about whether

your partner’s mistreatment of you has becomerepetitive.• You show signs of being abused.All of the other indicators of abuse discussedabove involve examining what the man does andhow he thinks. But it is equally important to lookat yourself, examining such questions as:Are you afraid of him?Are you getting distant from friends or familybecause he makes those relationships difficult?Is your level of energy and motivationdeclining, or do you feel depressed?Is your self-opinion declining, so that you arealways fighting to be good enough and toprove yourself?Do you find yourself constantly preoccupied

with the relationship and how to fix it?Do you feel like you can’t do anything right?Do you feel like the problems in yourrelationship are all your fault?Do you repeatedly leave arguments feeling likeyou’ve been messed with but can’t figure outexactly why?These are signs that you may be involved with anabusive partner.You may notice that the above distinguishingfeatures of abuse include little mention of anger.While chronic anger can be one warning sign ofabusiveness, the two are sometimes quite separate.There are cool, calculating abusers who rarelyexplode in ire, for example, and at the same timesome nonabusive men feel or express anger often.You might decide that you don’t want to be with apartner who is angry all the time—I wouldn’t care

for it—but it isn’t abuse in itself.WHAT IF HE’S SORRY?Almost every time that I speak on abuse, hands goup with the following two questions: (1) When anabuser acts remorseful, is he really? and (2) If he’sreally sorry, does that make him less likely to beabusive again?QUESTION 10:IS HE REALLY SORRY?The good news is that remorse is often genuine;the bad news is that it rarely helps. To make senseout of this contradiction, we need to look first at acrucial aspect of what is going on inside anabuser: Abusers have numerous contradictoryattitudes and beliefs operating simultaneouslyin their minds. A few examples of the typical

contradictions include:“Women are fragile and in need of protectionbut they need to be intimidated from time totime or they get out of hand.”“My partner and I should have equal say overthings but my decisions should rule when itcomes to issues that are important to me.”“I feel terrible about how I treated her but Ishould never have to feel bad in a relationship,no matter what I did.”“I shouldn’t raise my voice but I should havecontrol over my partner, and sometimes I haveto get loud to control her.”“You should never hit a woman but sometimesa man has no other choice.”When a man feels sorry for his abusive

ehavior, his regrets collide with his entitlement.The contradictory chatter inside his head soundssomething like this:I feel bad that I said “fuck you” to her; that’snot a good thing to say, especially in front of thechildren. I lost it, and I want my family to havean image of me as always being strong and incharge. I don’t like for them to see me lookingugly the way I did in that argument; it hurts myself-esteem. But she called me “irresponsible”!How does she expect me to react when she sayssomething like that? She can’t talk to me thatway. Now the children are going to think I wasthe bad guy, when she was the cause of it. Ifthey start siding with her, I’m going to let themknow why I was mad. Now she’s made me lookreally bad. Fuck her.Let’s follow the path that this man’s internaldialogue takes. First, his remorse is not primarilyfocused on the way his verbal assault wounded his

partner. What he feels bad about mostly is: (1) Hedamaged his image in other people’s eyes; (2) heoffended his own sense of how he would like tobe; and (3) he feels he should be able to controlhis partner without resorting to abuse. From thosethoughts he slides into blaming his outburst on hispartner, which he feels entitled to do, and in thisway rids himself of his feelings of guilt. By theend of his self-talk, he is holding his partnerresponsible for everything, including the effectsthat he has just had on their children. The abuser’sself-focus and victim-blaming orientation tend tocause his remorse to fade in this way.An abuser’s show of emotion after earlyincidents of abuse can be dramatic: I have hadclients who cry, beg their partners for forgiveness,and say, “You deserve so much better, I don’tknow why you are even with a jerk like me.” Hisremorse can create the impression that he isreaching out for real intimacy, especially if you’venever seen him looking so sad before. But in a day

or two his guilt is vanquished, driven out by hisinternal excuse-making skills. The effects of theincident last much longer for the abused woman,of course, and pretty soon the abuser may besnapping at her: “What, aren’t you over that yet?Don’t dwell on it, for crying out loud. Let’s put itbehind us and move forward.” His attitude is:“I’m over it, so why isn’t she?”Genuine remorse and theatricality are notmutually exclusive. Most abusers are truly sorry—though perhaps largely for themselves—whilealso playing up their emotions somewhat to winsympathy. A man’s dramatic remorse shifts thecenter of attention back to him; his partner mayalmost forget his earlier bullying as compassionfor his guilt and self-reproach washes over her.She may soon find herself reassuring him that shewon’t leave him, that she still loves him, that shedoesn’t think he’s a terrible person. If they havechildren, she may find herself covering up what hedid so that the children won’t blame him, because

she doesn’t want him to feel even worse. He thusreaps soothing attention as a reward for hisabusiveness, and his actions have the effect ofkeeping the family focused on his needs.Remorse usually tends to decline as abusiveincidents pile up. The genuine aspect fades as theabusive man grows accustomed to actingabusively and tuning out his partner’s hurtfeelings. The theatrical part fades as he becomesless concerned about losing the relationship,confident now that she is fully under his controland won’t leave him.The salient point about remorse, however, isthat it matters little whether it is genuine or not.Clients who get very sorry after acts of abusechange at about the same rate as the ones whodon’t. The most regretful are sometimes the mostself-centered, lamenting above all the injurythey’ve done to their own self-image. They feelashamed of having behaved like cruel dictatorsand want to revert quickly to the role of benign

dictators, as if that somehow makes them muchbetter people.IF BEING SORRY AFTER AN INCIDENTDOESN’T HELP, WHAT WOULDThe following steps could help prevent his nextincident of abuse, in a way that apologies cannot:Giving you some extended room to beangry about what he did, rather thantelling you that you’ve been angry toolong or trying to stuff your angry feelingsback down your throatListening well to your perspectivewithout interrupting, making excuses, orblaming his actions on youMaking amends for anything he did, forexample, by picking up anything that hethrew, admitting to friends that he liedabout you, or telling the children that hisbehavior was unacceptable and wasn’t

your faultMaking unconditional agreements toimmediately change behaviorsGoing to get help without you having toput a lot of pressure on him to do itIf he is willing to take all of these steps after anincident of mistreatment—and actually followthrough on them—there’s some chance that hemay not be deeply abusive. Without such clearaction, however, the abuse will return.TAKE SELF-PROTECTIVE STEPSQUICKLYMany women take a “wait and see” attitude whensigns of abuse appear in a partner’s behavior.They tell themselves: “It’s so hard to leave himright now because I still love him. But if he getsworse, that will lessen my feelings for him, andthen breaking up will be easier.” This is a

dangerous trap. The longer you are with an abuser,and the more destructive he becomes, the harder itcan be to extricate yourself, for the followingreasons:The more time he has to tear down yourself-opinion, the more difficult it will befor you to believe that you deserve bettertreatment.The more time he has to hurt youemotionally, the more likely your energyand initiative are to diminish, so that itgets harder to muster the strength to getout.The more damage he does to yourrelationships with friends and family, theless support you will have for the difficultprocess of ending the relationship.The longer you have been living with hiscycles of intermittent abuse and kind,loving treatment, the more attached you

are likely to feel to him, through aprocess known as traumatic bonding(see Chapter 9).For all of these reasons, act sooner rather thanlater.At the same time, if you have already been in arelationship with an abuser for five years, or ten,or thirty, it is never too late to recover your rightsand to get free. Help is available to you no matterhow long your relationship has lasted and howdeep the effects have been (see “Resources”).One final word of caution: If you do not havechildren with your abusive partner, keep it thatway. Some women hope the arrival of a baby cancause an abuser to change his behaviors, but itcan’t. It won’t make him settle down, becomemore responsible, or gain maturity. It won’t stophis jealous accusations by convincing him that youare committed to him, nor will it get him to stopcheating on you. The presence of children in the

home won’t make him stop abusing you. Havingchildren with an abusive partner will just makeyour life more stressful than it was before, as youbegin to worry about the effects that his behavioris having on your children. And if you decide laterthat you do want to leave him, having childrenwill make that choice much harder and will raisethe possibility that he will threaten to seek custodyof them (see Chapter 10). I have yet to encounter acase where the arrival of children solved awoman’s problems with an abusive man, or evenlessened them.KEY POINTS TO REMEMBERThe early warning signs of abuse areusually visible if you know what to lookfor.If the warning signs are there, act quicklyeither to set limits or to get out of the

elationship. The more deeply youbecome involved with an abuser, theharder it is to get out.You do not cause your partner’s slideinto abusiveness, and you cannot stop itby figuring out what is bothering him orby increasing your ability to meet hisneeds. Emotional upset and unmet needshave little to do with abusiveness.Certain behaviors and attitudes aredefinitional of abuse, such as ridiculingyour complaints of mistreatment,physically intimidating you, or sexuallyassaulting you. If any of these is present,abuse has already begun.Abused women aren’t “codependent.” Itis abusers, not their partners, who createabusive relationships.Call a hotline for support, or use one ofthe resources listed in the back of this

ook, as soon as you start to havequestions about abuse. Don’t wait untilyou’re certain.

6The Abusive Man in Everyday LifeI feel like I’m going crazy.Sometimes I can just tell it’s one ofthose days; no matter what I do, I’mgoing to get it sooner or later.He’s a teddy bear underneath.I never know what to expect; he can justturn on me, out of the blue.I wouldn’t call him an abuser. I mean,he can be really nice for weeks at atime.I really love him.

OVER THE FIFTEEN YEARS I have workedwith abusive men, I have spent many hundreds ofhours on the telephone listening to the partners ofmy clients describe their lives. My job is to see myclient through the woman’s eyes, using myimagination to enter her home and absorb theatmosphere that he creates day in and day out. Byassuming her perspective, I begin to see beneathmy client’s exterior.At the same time, I don’t see exactly the sameman the abused woman sees. The circumstancesunder which I see him have several unusualaspects:It is safe for me to challenge and confronthim, because I am sitting in a room fullof witnesses, including my co-leader. Inmany cases, I have some power over theman because he is on probation, so anegative report from me could get himbrought before a judge.

I have names and descriptions for histactics. He finds it difficult to confuse orintimidate me, or to make me feel badabout myself, because I keep pointing outhis maneuvers and his motives. Abuseloses some of its power when you havenames for its weapons.I don’t have to live with this man, so hehas few opportunities to retaliate againstme for standing up to him.Some of the men in the group who areattempting to apply the concepts of theprogram may challenge the man on hisattitudes and behaviors. These challengesfrom other abusers make it harder forhim to blame everything on his partner,or on women in general.I also learn about a man from seeing hisreactions to discussions in his group. For example,he tends to express disapproval of other clients

whose abuse is different from his—because heconsiders anything he wouldn’t do to be “real”abuse—and while tending to express sympathy forand support of any fellow abuser who employs thesame tactics or justifications that he does, turns tome to say: “But what do you expect the poor manto do given his circumstances?”The abused woman and I thus try to form ateam so that we can share our observations aboutthe man and help each other to recognize patternsor dynamics. I am eager to learn from her aboutmy client and at the same time eager to share withher any observations I have that might help her toprotect herself or unravel what he is doing to hermind.One of the earliest lessons I learned fromabused women is that to understand abuse youcan’t look just at the explosions; you have toexamine with equal care the spaces between theexplosions. The dynamics of these periods tell usas much about the abuse as the rages or the

thrown objects, as the disgusting name-calling orthe jealous accusations. The abuser’s thinking andbehavior during the calmer periods are what causehis big eruptions that wound or frighten. In thischapter, we enter the mind of the abuser at variouspoints in daily life to better understand whatsparks his abusive actions.THE ABUSIVE MAN IN ARGUMENTSI will begin by examining in detail an argumentbetween an abusive man and his partner, the kindthat I hear about routinely from my clients andtheir partners. Jesse and Bea are walking along intheir town. Jesse is sullen and clearly annoyed.A: What’s going on with you? I don’t understandwhat you’re upset about.SSE: I’m not upset; I just don’t feel like talkingright now. Why do you always have to readsomething into it? Can’t I just be a little quiet

sometimes? Not everybody likes to talk, talk, talkall the time just because you do.A: I don’t talk, talk, talk all the time. What doyou mean by that? I just want to know what’sbothering you.SSE: I just finished telling you, nothing’sbothering me…and give me a break that you don’ttalk all the time. When we were having dinnerwith my brother and his wife, I couldn’t believehow you went on and on about your stupidjournalism class. You’re forty years old, for Christsake; the world isn’t excited about your fantasiesof being famous. Grow up a little.A: Fantasies of being famous? I’m trying to get ajob, Jesse, because the travel agency jobs have allmoved downtown. And I wasn’t going on about it.They were interested; they were asking me a lot ofquestions about it—that’s why we were on thatsubject for a while.

SSE: Oh, yeah, they were real interested. Theywere being polite to you because you’re so full ofyourself. You’re so naive you can’t even tell whenyou’re being patronized.A: I don’t believe this. That dinner was almosttwo weeks ago. Have you been brewing about itall this time?SSE: I don’t brew, Bea, you’re the one that brews.You love to get us confused. I’ll see you later. I’mreally not in the mood for this shit.A: In the mood for what shit?? I haven’t doneanything! You’ve had it in for me since I arrivedto meet you!SSE: You’re yelling at me, Bea. You know I hatebeing yelled at. You need to get help; youremotions just fly off the handle. I’ll see you later.A: Where are you going?

SSE: I’ll walk home, thank you. You can take thecar. I’d rather be alone.A: It’s going to take you more than a half hour towalk home, and it’s freezing today.SSE: Oh, now suddenly you care about me somuch. Up yours. Bye. Walks off.)The lives of abused women are full of thesekinds of exchanges. Jesse didn’t call Bea anydegrading names; he didn’t yell; he didn’t hit heror threaten her. Bea will be in a tough spot whenthe time comes to explain to a friend how upsetshe is, because Jesse’s behavior is hard todescribe. What can she say? That he’s sarcastic?That he holds on to things? That he’s overlycritical? A friend would respond: “Well, thatsounds hard, but I wouldn’t call it abuse.” Yet, asJesse walks away, Bea feels as if she has beenslapped in the face.

WHAT IS GOING ON IN THISARGUMENT?We will look first at what Jesse is doing and thenexamine how his thinking works. The first point toilluminate is:THE ABUSER’S PROBLEM IS NOT THATHE RESPONDS INAPPROPRIATELY TOCONFLICT. HIS ABUSIVENESS ISOPERATING PRIOR TO THE CONFLICT:IT USUALLY CREATES THE CONFLICT,AND IT DETERMINES THE SHAPE THECONFLICT TAKES.Therapists often try to work with an abuser byanalyzing his responses to disagreements andtrying to get him to handle conflicts differently.But such an approach misses the point: Hisabusiveness was what caused the tension to beginwith.Jesse uses an array of conversational control

tactics, as most abusers do:He denies being angry, although heobviously is, and instead of dealing withwhat is bothering him, he channels hisenergy into criticizing Bea aboutsomething else.He insults, belittles, and patronizes Beain multiple ways, including saying thatshe likes to talk all the time and hasfantasies of becoming famous, statingthat she should “grow up,” and tellingher that she accuses him of stewing overthings when it’s actually her.He tells her that she is unaware that otherpeople look down on her and don’t takeher seriously and calls her “naive.”He criticizes her for raising her voice inresponse to his stream of insults.He tells her that she is mistreating him.

He stomps off and plays the victim byputting himself in the position of havingto take a long, cold walk home.Bea is now left miserable—feeling like ascratching post that a cat has just sharpened itsclaws on. Part of why she is so shaken up by thisexperience is that she never knows when one ofthese verbal assaults is going to happen or whatsets it off. On a different day she might have metJesse to take him home and had a pleasantconversation with him about his workday. Thusshe is left imagining that something bad musthave happened to him at work and that he istaking it out on her—which may be true in a waybut actually has little to do with what ishappening.So, what is going on? The story began twoweeks earlier, when Jesse and Bea were out todinner with Jesse’s relatives. What we have justlearned from their argument is that Jesse does not

like Bea to be the center of attention for any lengthof time. Why not? There are a few reasons:1. He considers it her job to play asupporting role to him. This is the sameas the attitude that “behind every greatman standsa woman.” So if either ofthem is going to be the center ofattention, it should be him, and if he isfeeling like being quiet she should be,too, remaining in his shadow.2. He is constantly focused on her faults,so he assumes everyone else is, too.3. He doesn’t like having her appear inpublic as smart, capable, andinteresting, because that collides withhis deeply held belief that she isirrational, incompetent, and worthy ofbeing ignored—a view of her that hemay want others to share with him.4. He is afraid on some level that if she

gets enough support for her strengths,she will leave him—and he’s quitelikely right.Notice that numbers two and three are almostopposites: He assumes that she comes off badly,which embarrasses him, but he is also concernedthat she may have come off very well, becausethen other people might see her as a capableperson. He reacts strongly to both possibilities.We also see the signs that Jesse finds Bea’sjournalism class threatening to his control overher. In fact, this is probably what he has beendwelling on most over the past two weeks,causing his grumpy mood. Abusive men areuncomfortable when they see signs of buddingindependence in their partners and often look forways to undermine the woman’s progress in thedays ahead.Returning now to the day of the argument, wecan see that Jesse launches into attributing many

of his own characteristics to Bea, saying that sheis full of herself, that she dwells on grievances,that she yells, that she doesn’t care about him.This behavior in abusers is sometimes mistakenlyreferred to as projection, a psychological processthrough which people attribute their own fears orflaws to those around them. But as we saw inChapter 3, the process through which an abuserturns reality on its head is not quite the same asprojection. Jesse perceives Bea to be yellingbecause one of his core values is that she’s notsupposed to get angry at him, no matter what hedoes. He thinks she doesn’t care about himbecause in his mind she can’t care about himunless she cares only about him, and not at allabout herself or other people. He thinks she is fullof herself because she sometimes gets excitedabout her own goals or activities, when hebelieves she should be most excited about whathe’s doing. He thinks she dwells on hergrievances because she sometimes attempts to

hold him accountable rather than letting him stickher with cleaning up his messes—literally andfiguratively.Jesse is also using projection as a control tactic.Part of why Jesse accuses Bea of doing all theselfish or abusive things that he does is to make ithard for her to get anywhere with her grievances. Ihave had many clients tell me: “Oh, I knew what Iwas saying about her wasn’t true, but it’s a way toreally get to her.” (It is surprising how common itis for abusers to admit—if they are caught offguard—to deliberate use of abusive andcontrolling behaviors.) For all of these reasons,saying simply that “he’s projecting” doesn’tadequately capture the reasons for an abuser’sdistorted accusations.The final behavior we need to examine isJesse’s decision to take a long, cold walk home byhimself. Why does he make himself a victim?He is drawn to making Bea feel sorry for

him so that his feelings can remain thecenter of attention, crowding hers out.She will feel as though she shouldn’tpursue her complaints about the ways inwhich he has just assaulted her verbally,because he is suffering so much.He also wants other people to feel sorryfor him. He can describe to friends orrelatives how the argument led to amiserable walk for him, and they willthink: “The poor man.” And he willprobably adjust the story to his advantage—abusers usually spruce up theiraccounts—perhaps saying that she wasfurious and drove off without him, and hewas left to walk shivering all the wayhome. He doesn’t consciously plan thesemaneuvers ahead of time, but experiencehas taught him on a deeper level thatplaying the victim increases thesympathy he receives.

He may want her to worry about whatother people will think. She won’t wantto come out looking like the mean one, soshe’ll take steps to smooth over the fight.On some level he enjoys walking alonefor half an hour, wallowing in self-pity,because it helps him feel more justifiedabout his recurring pattern of cruelty andundermining toward Bea. It’s a way ofreassuring himself that she’s the bad one,not him. An abuser is a human being,and somewhere inside him, buried underthick layers of entitlement and disrespect,there is a heart that knows that what he isdoing is wrong. This heart periodicallytries to send a few beats up through thelayers, so the abuser has to stomp themback down.Each verbal battle with an abuser is a walkthrough a minefield, and each field is different.

Jesse appears to be a mixture of the WaterTorturer and the Victim, with a sprinkling of Mr.Right. Perhaps an argument on the same subjectwith the Drill Segreant or the Player would goquite differently. But, regardless of specific style,very little of what an abuser does in an argumentis as irrational or emotional as it seems.FOUR CRITICAL CHARACTERISTICSOF AN ABUSIVE ARGUMENTYou may find that each disagreement with yourpartner is unique and can start in any of athousand ways, yet it can only arrive at four or fivedifferent endings—all of them bad. Your gnawingsensation of futility and inevitably is actuallycoming from the abusive man’s thinking aboutverbal conflict. His outlook makes it impossiblefor an argument to proceed toward anything otherthan the fulfillment of his wishes—or towardnowhere at all. Four features stand out:

1. The abuser sees an argument as war.His goal in a verbal conflict is not to negotiatedifferent desires, understand each other’sexperiences, or think of mutually beneficialsolutions. He wants only to win. Winning ismeasured by who talks the most, who makes themost devastating or “humorous” insults (none ofwhich is funny to his partner), and who controlsthe final decision that comes out of the debate. Hewon’t settle for anything other than victory. If hefeels he has lost the argument, he may respond bymaking a tactical retreat and gathering his forcesto strike again later.Under this layer there is an even deeper stratumin many abusive men where we unearth hisattitude that the whole relationship is a war. Tothis mind-set, relationships are dichotomous, andyou’re on either one end or the other: thedominator or the submitter, the champ or thechump, the cool man or the loser. He can imagineno other way.

2. She is always wrong in his eyes.It is frustrating, and ultimately pointless, to arguewith someone who is certain beyond the shadowof a doubt that his perspective is accurate andcomplete and that yours is wrong and stupid.Where can the conversation possibly go?The question isn’t whether he argues forcefullyor not. Many nonabusive people express theiropinions with tremendous conviction and emotionyet still allow themselves to be influenced by theother person’s point of view. On the other hand, itisn’t hard to tell when someone is refusing tograpple in good faith with your ideas and insteadis just reaching for whatever stick he thinks willdeal the heaviest blow to your side. When yourpartner says to you disparagingly, “Oh, the realreason why you complain about how I argue isthat you can’t deal with my having strongopinions,” he’s diverting attention from the tacticshe uses. He is also reversing reality, which is thathe can’t accept your differences of opinion and

doesn’t want to let his thinking be influenced byyours. (And on the rare occasions when he doesadopt your ideas, he may claim they were his tobegin with.)3. He has an array of control tactics in conflicts.My clients have so many ways to bully their waythrough arguments that I couldn’t possibly namethem all, but the abuser’s most common tacticsare listed in the box below:SarcasmRidiculeDistorting what you sayDistorting what happened in an earlierinteractionSulkingAccusing you of doing what he does, orthinking the way he thinksUsing a tone of absolute certainty and

final authority—“defining reality”InterruptingNot listening, refusing to respondLaughing out loud at your opinion orperspectiveTurning your grievances around to useagainst youChanging the subject to his grievancesCriticism that is harsh, undeserved, orfrequentProvoking guiltPlaying the victimSmirking, rolling his eyes,contemptuous facial expressionsYelling, out-shoutingSwearingName-calling, insults, put-downs

Walking outTowering over youWalking toward you in an intimidatingwayBlocking a doorwayOther forms of physical intimidation,such as getting too close while he’sangryThreatening to leave youThreatening to harm youConversational control tactics are aggravatingno matter who uses them, but they are especiallycoercive and upsetting when used by an abusiveman because of the surrounding context ofemotional or physical intimidation. I have rarelymet an abuser who didn’t use a wide array of theabove tactics in conflicts; if you consider anargument with a partner to be a war, why not use

every weapon you can think of? The underlyingmind-set makes the behaviors almost inevitable.The abusive man wants particularly to discredityour perspective, especially your grievances. Hemay tell you, for example, that the “real” reasonswhy you complain about the way he treats you are:You don’t want him to feel good abouthimself.You can’t handle it if he has an opinionthat differs from yours, if he is angry, orif he is right.You are too sensitive, you read too muchinto things, or you take things the wrongway.You were abused as a child or by aformer partner, so you think everything isabuse.These are all strategies he uses to avoid havingto think seriously about your grievances, because

then he might be obligated to change hisbehaviors or attitudes.The abusive man’s goal in a heated argument isin essence to get you to stop thinking for yourselfand to silence you, because to him your opinionsand complaints are obstacles to the imposition ofhis will as well as an affront to his sense ofentitlement. If you watch closely, you will beginto notice how many of his controlling behaviorsare aimed ultimately at discrediting andsilencing you.4. He makes sure to get his way—by one meansor another.The bottom line with an abuser in an argument isthat he wants what he wants—today, tomorrow,and always—and he feels he has a right to it.THE ABUSIVE MAN’S CYCLESLife with an abuser can be a dizzying wave ofexciting good times and painful periods of verbal,

physical, or sexual assault. The longer therelationship lasts, the shorter and farther apart thepositive periods tend to become. If you have beeninvolved with an abusive partner for many years,the good periods may have stopped happeningaltogether, so that he is an unvarying source ofmisery.Periods of relative calm are followed by a fewdays or weeks in which the abuser becomesincreasingly irritable. As his tension builds, ittakes less and less to set him off on a tirade ofinsults. His excuses for not carrying his weightmount up, and his criticism and displeasure seemconstant. Many women tell me that they learn toread their partner’s moods during this buildup andcan sense when he is nearing an eruption. One dayhe finally hits his limit, often over the most trivialissue, and he bursts out with screaming,disgusting and hurtful put-downs, or frighteningaggression. If he is a violent abuser, he turnshimself loose to knock over chairs, hurl objects,

punch holes in walls, or assault his partnerdirectly, leaving her scared to death.After he has purged himself, he typically actsashamed or regretful about his cruelty or violence,at least in the early years of a relationship. Then hemay enter a period when he reminds you of theman you fell in love with—charming, attentive,funny, kind. His actions have the effect of drawingyou into a repetitive traumatic cycle in which youhope each time that he is finally going to changefor good. You then begin to see the signs of hisnext slow slide back into abuse, and your anxietyand confusion rise again.Women commonly ask me: “What is going oninside his mind during this cycle? Why can’t hejust stay in the good period, what can I do to keephim there?” To answer these questions, let’s lookthrough his eyes during each phase:• The tension-building phaseDuring this period, your partner is collectingnegative points about you and squirreling them

away for safekeeping. Every little thing that youhave done wrong, each disappointment he hasexperienced, any way in which you have failed tolive up to his image of the perfect selfless woman—all goes down as a black mark against yourname.Abusers nurse their grievances. One of myformer colleagues referred to this habit as TheGarden of Resentments, a process through whichan abuser plants a minor complaint and thencultivates it carefully while it grows to tremendousdimensions, worthy of outrage and abuse. Jesse,for example, planted the dinner-table conversationin his Garden of Resentments and then harvestedit two weeks later to throw in Bea’s face, lumpingit together with several other issues into one bigugly ball.To defend against any complaints you attemptto express, the abuser stockpiles his collectedgrievances like weapons to protect his preciousterrain of selfishness and irresponsibility. And

some of his negativity about you is just plainhabit. An abuser falls into a routine of walkingaround dwelling on his partner’s purported faults.Since he considers you responsible for fixingeverything for him, he logically chooses you as hisdumping ground for all of life’s normalfrustrations and disappointments.• The eruptionThe abusive man tends to mentally collectresentments toward you until he feels that youdeserve a punishment. Once he’s ready to blow,the tiniest spark will ignite him. Occasionally anabused woman may decide to touch her partner offherself at this point, as scary as that is, becausethe fear of waiting to see what he will do andwhen he will do it is worse. The explosion ofverbal or physical assault that results is horrible,but at least it’s over.After he blows, the abuser absolves himself ofguilt by thinking of himself as having lost control,the victim of his partner’s provocations or his own

intolerable pain. Whereas at other times he maysay that men are stronger and less emotional thanwomen, he now switches, saying, “There is onlyso much a man can take,” or “She really hurt myfeelings, and I couldn’t help going off.” He mayconsider women’s emotional reactions—such asbreaking into tears—contemptible, even whenthey hurt no one, but when a man has powerfulemotions, even violence may be excusable. Someof my most tough-guy clients unabashedly usetheir painful feelings to excuse their cruelbehavior.• The “hearts and flowers” stageAfter the apologies are over, the abuser may entera period of relative calm. He appears to haveachieved a catharsis from opening up the bombbays and raining abuse down on his partner. Hefeels rejuvenated and may speak the language of afresh start, of steering the relationship in a newdirection. Of course, there is nothing cathartic forhis partner about being the target of his abuse (she

feels worse with each cycle), but in the abuser’sself-centered way he thinks she should feel betternow because he feels better.During this period, an abuser works to rebuildthe bridge that his abusiveness just burned down.He wants to be back in his partner’s good graces;he may want sex; and he seeks reassurance thatshe isn’t going to leave him—or expose him.Cards and gifts are common in this phase; hencethe name “hearts and flowers.” The abusive mandoes not, however, want to look seriously athimself; he is merely looking to paste up somewallpaper to cover the holes he has made—figuratively or literally—and return to business asusual. The good period can’t last because nothinghas changed. His coercive habits, his doublestandards, his contempt, are all still there. Thecycle is repeated because there is no reason why itwouldn’t be.Some abusive men don’t follow a discernablecycle like the one I have just described. Your

partner’s abusive incidents may follow no pattern,so you can never guess what will happen next. Ihave had clients who seemed almost to get a thrillout of their own unpredictability, which furtherincreased their power. Random abuse can beparticularly deleterious psychologically to you andto your children.A CLOSER LOOK AT THE GOODPERIODSWhen an alcohol abuser goes a month or twowithout a drink, we say the person is “on thewagon.” The dry period is a break from the patternand inspires some hope of a positive trend. But,with partner abuse, the periods when the man isbeing good—or at least not at his worst—are notreally outside of his pattern. They are generally anintegral aspect of his abusiveness, woven into thefabric of his thinking and behavior.What functions do the good periods play? They

perform several, including the following:His spurts of kindness and generosityhelp him to feel good about himself. Hecan persuade himself that you are the onewho is messed up, “because look at me,I’m a great guy.”You gradually feel warmer and moretrusting toward him. The good periodsare critical to hooking you back into therelationship, especially if he doesn’t haveanother way to keep you from leaving,such as financial control or the threat oftaking the children.While you are feeling more trusting, youexpose more of your true feelings aboutdifferent issues in your life and you showhim more caring, which createsvulnerability that he can use later tocontrol you (though he probably doesn’tconsciously plan to do this). During one

of Jesse’s bad periods, for example, Beawould probably protect herself by tellinghim that she was taking a journalismclass “just to get the English creditstoward my college degree.” But during amore intimate period, she might open upabout her dream of pursuing a career injournalism, and he would say it was agreat idea. And still later, when he wasback in abuse mode, he would be armedwith knowledge about her inner life withwhich to hurt her, as we saw in theirargument.He uses the good periods to shape hispublic image, making it harder for you toget people to believe that he’s abusive.I have not encountered any case, out of theroughly two thousand men I have worked with, inwhich one of an abuser’s good periods has lastedinto the long term, unless the man has also done

deep work on his abusive attitudes. Being kindand loving usually just becomes a differentapproach to control and manipulation andgradually blends back into more overt abuse. Irecognize how painful or frightening it can be foran abused woman to accept this reality, becausethose times of kindness, and the hope that comeswith them, can feel like all you have left to hold onto, given how much he has taken away from you.But illusions of change also keep you trapped andcan increase your feelings of helplessness ordisappointment when he returns to his old ways.Real change looks very different from a typicalgood period—so different that you could scarcelymistake the two, as we will see in Chapter 14.TEN REASONS TO STAY THE SAMETo answer the question “Why Does He Do That?”we have to examine the foundation on whichabusive behaviors are based. On the first level are

the abuser’s attitudes, beliefs, and habits—thethinking that drives his behavior day in and dayout, which we have been looking at. On thesecond level is the learning process by whichsome boys develop into abusive men or, in otherwords, where abusive values come from, which isthe topic of Chapter 13.There is also a third level, which is rarelymentioned in discussions of abuse but which isactually one of the most important dynamics: thebenefits that an abuser gets that make his behaviordesirable to him. In what ways is abusivenessrewarding? How does this destructive pattern getreinforced?Consider the following scenario: Mom, Dad,and their children are having dinner on aWednesday night. Dad is snappy and irritable,criticizing everybody during the meal, spreadinghis tension around like electricity. When hefinishes eating, he leaves the table abruptly andheads out of the room. His ten-year-old daughter

says, “Dad, where are you going? Wednesday isyour night to wash the dishes.” Upon hearingthese words, Dad bursts into flames, screaming,“You upstart little shit, don’t you dare try to tellme what to do! You’ll be wearing a dish on yourface!” He grabs a plate off the table, makes like heis going to throw it at her, and then turns awayand smashes it on the floor. He knocks a chairover with his hand and storms out of the room.Mom and the children are left trembling; thedaughter bursts into tears. Dad reappears in thedoorway and yells that she’d better shut up, so shechokes off her tears, which causes her to shakeeven more violently. Without touching a soul, Dadhas sent painful shock waves through the entirefamily.We move ahead now to the followingWednesday. Dinner passes fairly normally,without the previous week’s tension, but Dad stillstrolls out of the kitchen when he finishes eating.Does a family member remind him that it’s his

turn to wash the dishes? Of course not. It will bemany, many months before anyone makes thatmistake again. They quietly attend to the cleanup,or they squabble among themselves about whoshould do it, taking out their frustrations overDad’s unfairness and volatility on each other.Dad’s scary behavior has created a context inwhich he won’t have to do the dishes anytime hedoesn’t feel like it, and no one will dare take himto task for it.Any incident of abusive behavior brings theabuser benefits just as this one did. Over time,the man grows attached to his ballooningcollection of comforts and privileges. Here aresome of the reasons why he may appear sodetermined not to stop bullying:1. The intrinsic satisfaction of power and controlThe abusive man gains power through his coerciveand intimidating behaviors—a sensation that cancreate a potent, thrilling rush. The wielder ofpower feels important and effective and finds a

momentary relief from life’s normal distresses. Itisn’t the woman’s pain that appeals to him; mostabusers are not sadists. In fact, he has to go tosome lengths to shield himself from his ownnatural tendency to empathize with her. Thefeeling that he rules is where the pleasure lies.Yet the heady rush of power is the barebeginning of what the abuser gains through hismistreatment of his partner. If the rewards stoppedhere, I would find it much easier than I do toprevail upon my clients to change.2. Getting his way, especially when it matters tohim the mostA romantic partnership involves a never-endingseries of negotiations between two people’sdiffering needs, desires, and preferences. Many ofthe differences that have to be worked out arematters of tremendous importance to theemotional life of each partner, such as:Are we spending Christmas (or whatever

holidays are most important to aparticular couple) with my relatives,whom I enjoy, or with your relatives,who get on my nerves and don’t seem tolike me?Are we eating dinner tonight at myfavorite restaurant, or at a place that I’mtired of and where the children seem toget wound up and irritating?Am I going to have to go alone to myoffice party, which makes me feelterrible, or are you going to come withme even though you would rather spendyour evening doing almost anything elseon earth?It is important not to underestimate the impactof these kinds of day-to-day decisions. Yourhappiness in a relationship depends greatly onyour ability to get your needs heard and takenseriously. If these decisions are taken over by an

abusive or controlling partner, you experiencedisappointment after disappointment, the constantsacrificing of your needs. He, on the other hand,enjoys the luxury of a relationship where he rarelyhas to compromise, gets to do the things heenjoys, and skips the rest. He shows off hisgenerosity when the stakes are low, so that friendswill see what a swell guy he is.The abuser ends up with the benefits of being inan intimate relationship without the sacrifices thatnormally come with the territory. That’s a prettyprivileged lifestyle.3. Someone to take his problems out onHave you ever suffered a sharp disappointment ora painful loss and found yourself looking forsomeone to blame? Have you, for example, everbeen nasty to a store clerk when you were reallyupset about your job? Most people have animpulse to dump bad feelings on someundeserving person, as a way to relieve—temporarily—sadness or frustration. Certain days

you may know that you just have to keep an eyeon yourself so as not to bite someone’s head off.The abusive man doesn’t bother to keep an eyeon himself, however. In fact, he considers himselfentitled to use his partner as a kind of humangarbage dump where he can litter the ordinarypains and frustrations that life brings us. She isalways an available target, she is easy to blame—since no partner is perfect—and she can’t preventhim from dumping because he will get even worseif she tries. His excuse when he jettisons hisdistresses on to her is that his life is unusuallypainful—an unacceptable rationalization even if itwere true, which it generally isn’t.4. Free labor from her; leisure and freedom forhimNo abusive man does his share of the work in arelationship. He may take advantage of hispartner’s hard work keeping the house, preparingthe meals, caring for the children, and managingthe myriad details of life. Or, if he is one of the

few abusers who carries his weight in these areas,then he exploits her emotionally instead, suckingher dry of attention, nurturing, and support, andreturning only a trickle.All this uncompensated labor from her meansleisure for him. During the hours he spendstalking about himself he is relieved of the work oflistening. The long weekend days when she caresfor the children are his opportunity to watchsports, go rock climbing, or write his novel. Myclients don’t make the connection that someonetakes care of the work; they think of it as justmysteriously getting done and refer to women as“lazy.” Yet on a deeper level the abuser seems torealize how hard his partner works, because hefights like hell not to have to share that burden. Heis accustomed to his luxury and often talksexaggeratedly about his exhaustion to excusestaying on his rear end.Studies have shown that a majority of womenfeel that their male partners don’t contribute fairly

to household responsibilities. However, a womanwhose partner is not abusive at least has theoption to put her foot down about her workloadand insist that the man pick up the slack. With anabusive man, however, if you put your foot downhe either ignores you or makes you pay.The abuser comes and goes as he pleases, meetsor ignores his responsibilities at his whim, andskips anything he finds too unpleasant. In fact,some abusers are rarely home at all, using thehouse only as a base for periodic refueling.5. Being the center of attention, with prioritygiven to his needsWhen a woman’s partner chronically mistreatsher, what fills up her thoughts? Him, of course.She ponders how to soothe him so that he won’texplode, how to improve herself in his eyes, howshe might delicately raise a touchy issue with him.Little space remains for her to think about her ownlife, which suits the abuser; he wants her to bethinking about him. The abuser reaps cooperation

and catering to his physical, emotional, and sexualneeds. And if the couple has children, the entirefamily strives to enhance his good moods and fixhis bad ones, in the hope that he won’t starttearing pieces out of anyone. Consistently at thecenter of attention and getting his own way, theabuser can ensure that his emotional needs get meton his terms—a luxury he is loath to part with.6. Financial controlMoney is a leading cause of tension in modernrelationships, at least in families with children.Financial choices have huge quality-of-lifeimplications, including: Who gets to make thepurchases that matter most to him or her; whatkinds of preparations are made for the future,including retirement; what types of leisureactivities and travel are engaged in; who gets towork; who gets to not work if he or she doesn’twant to; and how the children’s needs are met. Tohave your voice in these decisions taken away is amonumental denial of your rights and has long-

term implications. On the flip side, the abuser whodominates these kinds of decisions extortsimportant benefits for himself, whether the familyis low income or wealthy. One of the mostcommon tactics I hear about, for example, is thatthe abuser manages to finagle dealings so that hisname is on his partner’s belongings—such as herhouse or her car—along with, or instead of, hername. In fact, I have had clients whose abuse wasalmost entirely economically based and whomanaged to take many thousands of dollars awayfrom their partners, either openly or throughplaying financial tricks.An abuser’s history of economic exploitationtends to put him in a much better financialposition than his partner if the relationship splitsup. This imbalance makes it harder for her toleave him, especially if she has to find a way tosupport her children. He may also threaten to usehis economic advantage to hire a lawyer andpursue custody, one of the single most terrifying

prospects that can face an abused woman.7. Ensuring that his career, education, or othergoals are prioritizedClosely interwoven with financial control is thequestion of whose personal goals receive priority.If the abuser needs to be out several eveningsstudying for a certificate that will improve his jobadvancement potential, he’s going to do it. If acareer opportunity for him involves moving to anew state, he is likely to ignore the impact of hisdecision on his partner. Her own goals may alsoadvance at times, but only as long as they don’tinterfere with his.8. Public status of partner and/or father withoutthe sacrificesWith his strong people-pleasing skills and hislively energy when under the public gaze, theabusive man is often thought of as an unusuallyfun and loving partner and a sweet, committeddad. He soaks up the smiles and appreciation he

eceives from relatives, neighbors, and people inthe street who are unaware of his behavior inprivate.9. The approval of his friends and relativesAn abuser often chooses friends who aresupportive of abusive attitudes. On top of that, hemay come from an abusive family; in fact, hisfather or stepfather may have been his key rolemodel for how to treat female partners. If these arehis social surroundings, he gets strokes forknowing how to control his partner, for “puttingher in her place” from time to time, and forridiculing her complaints about him. His friendsand relatives may even bond with him on the basisof his view of women in general as beingirrational, vindictive, or avaricious. For this manto renounce abuse, he would have to give up hischeerleading squad as well.10. Double standardsAn abusive man subtly or overtly imposes a

system in which he is exempt from the rules andstandards that he applies to you. He may allowhimself to have occasional affairs, “because menhave their needs,” but if you so much as gaze atanother man, you’re a “whore.” He may scream inarguments, but if you raise your voice, you’re“hysterical.” He may pick up one of your childrenby the ear, but if you grab your son and put him intime-out for punching you in the leg, you’re a“child abuser.” He can leave his schedule openand flexible while you have to account for yourtime. He can point out your faults, while settinghimself above criticism, so that he doesn’t have todeal with your complaints or be confronted withthe effects of his selfish and destructive actions.The abusive man has the privilege of living by aspecial set of criteria that were designed just forhim.GLANCE BACK QUICKLY over this impressivecollection of privileges. Is it any wonder that

abusive men are reluctant to change? The benefitsof abuse are a major social secret, rarelymentioned anywhere. Why? Largely becauseabusers are specialists in distracting our attention.They don’t want anyone to notice how well thissystem is working for them (and usually don’teven want to admit it to themselves). If we caughton, we would stop feeling sorry for them andinstead start holding them accountable for theiractions. As long as we see abusers as victims, oras out-of-control monsters, they will continuegetting away with ruining lives. If we wantabusers to change, we will have to require themto give up the luxury of exploitation.When you are left feeling hurt or confused aftera confrontation with your controlling partner, askyourself: What was he trying to get out of what hejust did? What is the ultimate benefit to him?Thinking through these questions can help youclear your head and identify his tactics.Certainly the abusive man also loses a great

deal through his abusiveness. He loses thepotential for genuine intimacy in his relationship,for example, and his capacity for compassion andempathy. But these are often not things that hevalues, so he may not feel their absence. And evenif he would like greater intimacy, that wish isoutweighed by his attachment to the benefits ofabuse.IS HE GOING TO GET VIOLENT?An abusive man can be scary. Even if he neverraises a hand or makes a threat, his partner mayfind herself wondering what he is capable of. Shesees how ugly he can turn, sometimes out of theblue. His desire to crush her emotionally ispalpable at times. He sometimes tears into herverbally with a cruelty that she could never haveimagined earlier in their relationship. When a manshows himself capable of viciousness, it is natural,and in fact wise, to wonder if he will go even

further. Abused women ask me over and overagain: “Do you think my partner could getviolent? Am I overreacting? I mean, he’s not abatterer or something.”Before I take you through a list of points toconsider in examining this issue, make a mentalnote of the following:RESEARCH INDICATES THAT AWOMAN’S INTUITIVE SENSE OFWHETHER OR NOT HER PARTNER WILLBE VIOLENT TOWARD HER IS ASUBSTANTIALLY MORE ACCURATEPREDICTOR OF FUTURE VIOLENCETHAN ANY OTHER WARNING SIGN.So listen closely to your inner voices above all.When a woman tells me of her concerns abouther partner’s potential for violence, I firstencourage her to pay close attention to herfeelings. If he is scaring her, she should take her

intuitive sense seriously, even if she doesn’tbelieve his frightening behavior is intentional.Next, I want to learn more about what has alreadyhappened:Has he ever trapped you in a room and not letyou out?Has he ever raised a fist as if he were going tohit you?Has he ever thrown an object that hit you ornearly did?Has he ever held you down or grabbed you torestrain you?Has he ever shoved, poked, or grabbed you?Has he ever threatened to hurt you?If the answer to any of these questions is yes, then

we can stop wondering whether he’ll ever beviolent; he already has been. In more than half ofcases in which a woman tells me that her partneris verbally abusive, I discover that he is physicallyassaultive as well.It is critical to use common-sense—and legal—definitions of what constitute violence, not theabuser’s definition. An abuser minimizes hisbehavior by comparing himself to men who areworse than he is, whom he thinks of as “real”abusers. If he never threatens his partner, then tohim threats define real abuse. If he only threatensbut never actually hits, then real abusers are thosewho hit. Any abuser hides behind this mentalprocess: If he hits her but never punches her witha closed fist…If he punches her but she has neverhad broken bones or been hospitalized…If hebeats her up badly but afterward he apologizesand drives her to the hospital himself (as severalclients of mine have done)…In the abuser’s mind,his behavior is never truly violent.

A related mental process reveals itself when aclient says to me, as many do: “I’m not like one ofthose guys who comes home and beats his wifefor no reason.” In other words, if he had adequatejustification, then it isn’t violence. The abuser’sthinking tends to wend its way inside of thewoman, too, like a tapeworm. The partners of myclients say things to me, such as “I really pushedhim too far,” or “He’s never hit me; he just shovesme sometimes,” that almost certainly come fromthe abuser’s indoctrination.To steer clear of these distortions, we need towrestle the definition of violence out of the handsof the abusers and implement a proper one of ourown. Violence is behavior that does any of thefollowing:Physically hurts or frightens you, or usescontact with your body to control orintimidate youTakes away your freedom of movement,

such as by locking you in a room orrefusing to let you out of a carCauses you to believe that you will bephysically harmedForces you to have sexual contact orother unwanted physical intimacyDrawing on the above definition, we cananswer important questions that arise:Is it violence if he tells me he will “kick the crap”out of me but he never does it?Yes. Threats of bodily harm are physical abuse.The woman ducks or cowers, she runs out of theroom, she goes into hiding with her children.There are emotional effects as well, of course, asphysical abuse is by nature psychologicallyabusive.Is it violence if he pokes me?

Probably. Noncoercive men don’t poke theirpartners in my experience. If it frightens you,causes you pain, controls you, or makes you startwondering what he will do next time, it’sviolence. Whether it will have these effects partlydepends on what his history of past intimidationhas been and on what his motives appeared to bein the specific incident. If he is repeatedlyemotionally abusive, then a poke is definitelyviolent. In other words, context matters.The abuser will of course deny that he meant tointimidate his partner; he just “lost his cool” or“couldn’t take it anymore.” He may ridicule herfor being so upset: “You call a poke violent??That’s abuse?? You’re the most hysterical,melodramatic person in the world!” To me, thisbullying response makes clear that he did indeedhave power motives.I slapped him in the face, and he punched me andgave me a black eye. He says what he did was

self-defense. Is he right?No, it was revenge. My clients often report havinghit their partners back “so that she’ll see what it’slike” or “to show her that she can’t do that to me.”That isn’t self-defense, which means using theminimal amount of force needed to protect oneself.He uses her hitting him as an opening to let hisviolence show, thereby putting her on notice aboutwhat might happen in the future if she isn’tcareful. His payback is usually many times moreinjurious and intimidating than what she did tohim, making his claims of self-defense evenweaker; he believes that when he feels hurt byyou, emotionally or physically, that gives him theright to do something far worse to you.He says that I’m violent, because I’ve slappedhim or shoved him a couple of times. Is he right?If your actions did not harm, frighten, or controlhim, they wouldn’t fit my definition of violence.

He labels you as violent in order to shift the focusto what you do wrong, which will just lock youmore tightly in his grip. However, I do recommendthat you not assault him again, as he might seizeon it as an excuse to injure you seriously. Somewomen persuade themselves that they are holdingtheir own by using violence too, saying, “I cantake it, but I can also dish it out.” But over timeyou will find that you are the one being controlled,hurt, and frightened. Besides, hitting a partner isjust plain wrong, except in self-defense. Use yourown behavior as a warning sign that you can’tmanage your abusive partner, and call an abusehot line now.QUESTION 11:WILL HIS VERBAL ABUSETURN TO VIOLENCE?

If your partner has not used any physicalviolence yet, how can you tell if he is likely tohead in that direction? These are some of therumblings that can tip you off that a violent stormmay come some day:When he is mad at you, does he react bythrowing things, punching doors, orkicking the car? Does he use violentgestures such as gnashing teeth, rippingat his clothes, or swinging his armsaround in the air to show his rage? Haveyou been frightened when he does thosethings?Is he willing to take responsibility forthose behaviors and agree to stop them,or does he justify them angrily?Can he hear you when you say that thosebehaviors frighten you, or does he throwthe subject back on you, saying that youcause his behaviors, so it’s your own

problem if you’re scared?Does he attempt to use his scarybehaviors as bargaining chips, such as bysaying that he won’t punch walls if youwill stop going out with your friends?Does he deny that he even engaged in thescary behaviors, such as claiming that abroken door was caused by somebodyelse or that you are making up orexaggerating what happened?Does he ever make veiled threats, such as“You don’t want to see me mad,” or“You don’t know who you’re messingwith”?Is he severely verbally abusive?(Research studies indicate that the bestbehavioral predictor of which men willbecome violent to their partners is theirlevel of verbal abuse.)

Although these questions can help youdetermine the degree of your partner’s tendency toviolence, it is important to contact a program forabused women regardless of your answers; thefact that you are even considering his potential forviolence means that something is seriously wrong.If your partner is hurting or scaring you,consider seeking legal protection. In many states,for example, you can seek a restraining order evenif your partner has never hit or sexually assaultedyou, as long as he has put you in fear. Some statesoffer a woman the option of obtaining an orderthat allows the man to continue residing in thehome but that forbids him from behaving infrightening ways.Some approaches to assessing how dangerousyour partner may be are covered in “Leaving anAbuser Safely” in Chapter 9. The advantages anddisadvantages of taking legal steps are discussedin “Should I Get a Restraining Order?” in Chapter12.

RACIAL AND CULTURALDIFFERENCES IN ABUSEI find that the fundamental thinking and behaviorof abusive men cut across racial and ethnic lines.The underlying goal of these abusers, whetherconscious or not, is to control their femalepartners. They consider themselves entitled todemand service and to impose punishments whenthey feel that their needs are not being met. Theylook down on their partners as inferior to them, aview that often extends to their outlook on womenin general.At the same time, the particular shape thatabusiveness takes can vary considerably amongraces and cultures. Abusers rely heavily on theforms of abuse that are most acceptable amongmen of their background. My white Americanclients, for example, tend to be extremely rigidabout how their partners are allowed to argue orexpress anger. If the partner of one of these clients

aises her voice, or swears, or refuses to shut upwhen told to do so, abuse is likely to follow.Clients from certain other cultures are morefocused on precisely how their partners care forthe house and prepare meals. Their social livesrevolve around food, so they expect to be waitedon like royalty with a warm, creative, and tastydinner every night. If the man shows up two hourslate without calling, the meal is still expected to bewarm somehow, or else. I find that clients fromcertain countries stand out for their fanaticaljealousy, which can lead verbally to ripping intotheir partners for speaking to a stranger on thestreet for ten minutes or for dancing one numberwith another man at a party. Abusive men fromone region of the world commonly hit theirchildren with belts, a behavior that meets withstern disapproval from abusers from other parts ofthe world, who in turn may horrify the first groupby taking custody of their children away from themothers.

Not only abusive behaviors but also the excusesand justifications that accompany them are formedpartly by an abusive man’s background. Men ofone group may rely more on the excuse of havinglost control of themselves, for example, whereasothers admit that their behavior is a choice butjustify it by saying that they have to resort to abuseto keep the family from spinning out of control.As we will see in Chapter 13, abusiveness inrelationships is a problem that is transmitted fromgeneration to generation by cultural training andtherefore takes a unique shape within each society.But for the women (and often children) who arethe targets of this cruelty, the cultural variationsdon’t necessarily change the quality of life verymuch. Abusiveness can be thought of as a recipethat involves a consistent set of ingredients:control, entitlement, disrespect, excuses, andjustifications (including victim blaming)—elements that are always present, oftenaccompanied by physical intimidation or violence.

Abusive men tend to use a little more of oneingredient and a little less of another, substitutingdifferent tactics and excuses depending on theirculture, allowing their partners certain rights andtaking away others. But, despite the variations, theflavor of abuse remains pretty much the same.Abusers—and therefore their abused partners—have a tremendous amount in common acrossnational and racial lines.IS ABUSE OF WOMEN ACCEPTABLE INSOME CULTURES?I commonly run into the misconception that menfrom some national or ethnic groups behave muchmore abusively toward women than those in themainstream of the United States and Canada.Social workers sometimes say to me, for example,“The family I am working with right now comesfrom one of those cultures where domesticviolence is considered normal and acceptable.”The reality, however, is that cultural approval forpartner abuse is disturbingly high in our society,

even among the privileged and educated (seeChapter 13), and our domestic-violence statistics,while not the worst in the world, are on the highend. The United States is the only industrializednation that has failed to ratify the UN conventionon eliminating discrimination against women,which specifically refers to violence againstwomen as a form of discrimination. Pointingfingers at other countries can be a way to ignorethe serious problems in our own.In reality, abuse of women—and societalapproval of it—is a widespread problem in thegreat majority of modern cultures. The only placeswhere it has been found not to exist are amongsome tribal peoples who are highly disapprovingof all forms of aggression and who give womenand men equal or nearly equal power.Abusive men from some national backgroundsare very explicit and direct about their cultural orreligious rules, which can make their attitudesappear to be unusually bad. A man might say, for

example, “God ordained that the man chastise thewoman,” or he might say threateningly to thispartner, “Part of a wife’s job is to give the mansex when he wants it.” Do white Americanabusers think in these ways less than abusers ofother cultures do? No. They do often hide theirbeliefs better and, by doing so, can create theimpression of being more “enlightened.” But thedirectness of a cultural message is not the samething as its strength. I have worked with hundredsof nonwhite abusers from a spectrum of culturesand religions, with more than twenty differentcountries of origin among them, and I can assureyou that my white, middle-class clients feel everybit as justified as the others and have attitudestoward women that are just as superior anddisrespectful. As a product of white Anglo-SaxonProtestant culture, I am familiar with its centuriesoldtradition of hiding its abuse of women underpretty packaging. Unwrapped, it doesn’t look verydifferent.

SOME SPECIFIC CULTURAL EXCUSESAND JUSTIFICATIONSCertain culturally specific rationalizations used byabusive men can be particularly confusing towomen. For example, I find it fairly common foran abusive man of color to believe that the racialdiscrimination he has faced in his life excuses hismistreatment of his partner. If you complain tohim that he is abusing you, he may accuse you ofbetraying him as a man of color, saying that youare siding with the white culture that has alreadytorn him down so much. Because racism doesremain a harsh reality, he may succeed in makingyou feel guilty for criticizing him or for trying toleave him. If your background is the same as his,he applies a double standard of racial solidarity; inhis mind he isn’t betraying his racial group eventhough he is abusing a woman of color, yet heconsiders you disloyal when you complain of histreatment or denounce him. He’s got reality turnedaround backward: The one who is betraying

solidarity is him.I have also had a few dozen clients over theyears who belong to fundamentalist religiousgroups, usually Christian or Islamicfundamentalist or Orthodox Judaic. Abusive menfrom these groups tend to openly espouse a systemin which women have next to no rights and a manis entitled to be the unquestioned ruler of thehome. To make matters worse, these religioussects have greatly increased their political poweraround the globe over the past two decades. As acase in point, consider the growing influence ofChristian fundamentalism in the United States.Women who live within these religious groupsmay feel especially trapped by abuse, since theirresistance to domination is likely to be viewed asevil and the surrounding community may supportor even revere the abuser. (Christian women livingwith abuse can find excellent guidance in Keepingthe Faith by Marie Fortune. See “Resources.”)Some of my African-American clients claim

that black women are too tough to abuse, and theymay even claim to be victims of the women’sviolence. This claim is sometimes accompanied bydescriptions of the black family as “matriarchal”or “female dominated.” These exaggerations ofcultural differences serve to cover up the fact that,according to the latest U.S. statistics, African-American woman are abused at roughly the samerate as white women. It is true, in my experience,that black women sometimes fight back more thanwhite women against a physically violent abuser(though many white women fight back also), butthey don’t come out any less injured, frightened,or controlled.Finally, men of some tribal cultures developabusive behaviors toward women after they havehad extensive contact with modern societies forthe first time. Tribal women have sometimesreported, for example, that when television cameto their geographic areas, domestic violence camewith it, as their men began to learn the violent and

male-dominant attitudes that characterize so muchof modern culture. The tribal man thus may justifyhis abusiveness in terms of progress and movinginto the mainstream, linking his ridicule of hispartner to disparaging the overall tribal way oflife, though some do the opposite, falsely claimingthat tradition supports their oppressive behaviors.WHILE I HAVE FOCUSED here on culturaldifferences and similarities among abusive men,there is another situation in which race and cultureare very important to abuse: when the abuser iswhite American (or Canadian) but his partner is awoman of color or an immigrant. The abuser insuch a relationship tends to use racism as anadditional tactic to insult and control his partner.Women of color who have white abusers can faceconsiderable bias from police, courts, or childprotective services. Some specific resources forabused women of color—regardless of the race ofthe abusive man—are listed in the back of this

ook.THE SAME-SEX ABUSERAlthough most abusers are male and most abusedpartners are female, the reasons for this lopsidedpicture are social, not biological. Womensometimes abuse their lesbian partners, and menmay be abused by their gay partners. The thinkingthat drives the behavior of lesbian and gay maleabusers largely follows the patterns we have beenexamining. While it is true that some justificationsused by heterosexual male abusers are notavailable to the gay or lesbian abuser—such as “Ihave the right to rule over you because I’m theman and you’re the woman”—the same-sexabuser replaces these with others that can be aspowerful. The abused lesbian or gay man thereforecan get as badly ensnarled as the straight woman.First, let’s look at some of the things the samesexabuser can’t do as easily (I am going to call

the abuser “she”):She won’t be able to use sex-roleexpectations that are based on cultural orreligious rules as easily as the straightmale abuser can.She doesn’t have as many social poweradvantages as a man who is involvedwith a woman does. (The straight maleabuser can take advantage in multipleways of the fact that we still live in “aman’s world,” despite recent societalchanges.)She may not be able to use size andstrength to intimidate as easily as moststraight male abusers do. In fact, she maybe smaller or appear to be less “tough”than her partner.The same-sex abuser compensates for thesegaps in several ways. I will offer just a few

examples:1. She may have an even deeper convictionthan the straight male abuser that shecouldn’t possibly be abusive, no matterhow cruel or even violent she gets,because abuse “doesn’t happen” insame-sex relationships. She may soundso sure of herself on this point that sheis able to convince her abused partnerthat what is happening is just normalrelationship conflict.2. She uses her partner’s homosexualityagainst her. When she is angry, she maythreaten to tell her partner’s parentsabout their relationship or to call up herplace of employment and “out” her,which could cause her to lose her job. Ifshe is a violent abuser, she may tell herpartner: “You think the police or thecourts are going to help you when they

know you’re lesbian?” The gay maleabuser may tell his partner: “The policeare just going to laugh at you when youtell them you are afraid. They’ll tell youto act like a man.”The lesbian or gay male who is involvedwith a violent or threatening abuser doesgenuinely face discrimination from thepolice and courts, and the abuser knowsthis. In many states, for example, anabused person cannot obtain arestraining order to keep the abuseraway if that person is of the same sex.3. The same-sex abuser may get even moremileage out of playing the victim thanthe straight male abuser does. When astraight male goes around claiming thata woman is abusing him, he often meetswith considerable skepticism—as wellhe should. But when we look at twopeople of the same sex, how are we to

tell which one is abusing power? Aquick glance won’t give us the answer.The result is that a same-sex abuser canoften convince people around her, andsometimes even her own partner, thatshe is the one being abused. Whenlesbians or gay men go to agencies forhelp with relationship abuse, it is notunheard of for the abuser to say that sheis the victim and for the victim to saythat she is the abuser! Sometimes theabuser succeeds in getting support andsympathy for quite a while beforeservice providers catch on to the factthat they are assisting the wrong person.4. The abuser can sometimes get her widercommunity to be silent about the abuse,because everyone is already strugglingwith the negative social image ofhomosexuality. Many lesbians and gaymen feel, quite understandably, that

awareness of abuse in same-sexrelationships will be used by bigotedpeople as an excuse for furtherstereotyping and discrimination. Andthere’s really no question that bigotswill do exactly that. But silence is notthe answer either, since it isolates andabandons abused lesbians and gay menand allows the abusers to gosteamrolling forward over the lives oftheir partners.The same-sex abuser may have had anextremely difficult life, and she may feel thatanyone who labels her “abusive” is being unfair toher, given what she has gone through. She mayhave been banished from her family because of herhomosexuality, barred from progressing in hercareer, or filled with secret shame during heradolescence. People in her social circle may havegone through similar trials and thus feel an instant

sympathy for her excuses. But nonabusivelesbians and gay men have also enduredoppressive experiences because of their sexuality.Same-sex abusers, like straight male abusers,seize any excuse they can to absolve themselves ofresponsibility for their actions and to elicitsympathy.Ultimately, the thinking and actions of lesbianand gay male abusers are more similar to thandifferent from those of other abusers. Later on,when we explore the social roots of abusiveness, itwill become clear why all abusers follow more orless the same template.KEY POINTS TO REMEMBERFor the most part, an abusive man usesverbally aggressive tactics in anargument to discredit your statementsand silence you. In short, he wants to

avoid having to deal seriously with yourperspective in the conflict.Arguments that seem to spin out ofcontrol “for no reason” actually areusually being used by the abusive man toachieve certain goals, although he maynot always be conscious of his ownmotives. His actions and statementsmake far more sense than they appear to.An abusive man’s good periods are animportant and integrated aspect of hisabuse, not something separate from it.Abusive men find abusivenessrewarding. The privileged position theygain is a central reason for theirreluctance to change.Abusive men tend to be happy only wheneverything in the relationship isproceeding on their terms. This is amajor reason for the severe mood swings

that they so often exhibit from day to day.Violence is not just punches and slaps; itis anything that puts you in physical fearor that uses your body to control you.The styles of abusers vary by race,nationality, and sexual orientation.However, their commonalities faroutweigh their differences.The turbulence, insecurity, and fear thatyour partner causes in daily life can makeit hard to recognize his pattern ofattitudes and behaviors. By taking amental step back, you may begin to seerecurring themes.Be cautious, and seek out assistance.You don’t deserve to live like this, andyou don’t have to. Try to block his wordsout of your mind and believe in yourself.You can do it.

7Abusive Men and SexHe’s not attracted to me anymore,which really hurts me.It’s easier sometimes to just give in.He never hits me, but he did force me tohave sex once.We both have an infection now, and hesays it must have come from me, but Ihaven’t had any affairs, so I know it’shim.It seems like the only time we feel closeis when we’re making love.

LIBBY SCOWLED, the muscles in her face andneck tightening, as she described an abusiveboyfriend she had left three years earlier. “Arnaldonever hit me, but he seemed to get a thrill out ofbeing mysterious and terrifying. One day hedescribed in graphic detail how he was going totorture and kill my cat, because he knew howprecious my pets are to me. Another time he wasgiving me a massage, talking in this hypnotic,faraway tone, and he said, ‘When I was in GreenBeret training, I learned about a certain spot in aperson’s neck where, if you poke them hard andfast, you can paralyze them permanently.’” Libbyfound out later that Arnaldo had never been in themilitary. He had told other lies, too, like the oneabout his terminally ill grandmother who wasgoing to leave him thirty thousand dollars. But hisstories had all sounded so convincing. “He got meto support him for a year and to lend him a lot ofmoney besides. I’m out five or six thousanddollars because of him.” Resentment rang through

her voice as she gained momentum. “I would bein such a different financial position right now if ithadn’t been for him. And I bought it when hepromised to pay me back any day, always sayingthat the money was just about to arrive. What acon artist!” And she told me how Arnaldo wouldharangue her about being too skinny, so that shebecame shameful of her body. I couldn’t tellwhich was more potent inside of her, rage or grief.Then, abruptly, Libby’s face softened. A hint ofa smile formed at the corners of her mouth, andher eyes shined lightly as she focused on an imageinside her mind. “But there was one thing thatwasn’t like the rest with Arnaldo. Sex.Lovemaking with him was great. He was socompletely into it. He would light candles andbuild the mood for a while. It would last a longtime. He was so intense, and passionate. Therewas this drama around it that was so transporting.I have never experienced anything like it before.Or since, really. I wish I could capture just that

one part of the relationship. The rest was awful.”Libby’s story is not as unusual as you mightthink. When I interview partners of my clients, Ialways ask whether there has been any sexualmistreatment. It is not uncommon for me to hearthe woman’s voice lose its tension, as Libby’sfacial expression had, and hear her say with acertain lilt, “Oh, well, we’ve never had anyproblem in that area,” followed by a contented andslightly embarrassed chuckle. In fact, memories ofthe better aspects of their sexual relationship canbe part of why a woman who has left an abusivepartner feels so tempted to give him anotherchance.But there is also the other extreme. I have hadclients whose only interest in sex was fordomination and degradation. For the woman,being in bed with this style of abuser can be anightmare. He wants sex when he wants it, theway he likes it, and with little attention to how shemay feel or what her needs might be. Sexual

episodes with him may feel like sexual assaults toher. As the partner of one of my clients said to me,“I don’t even want to go into it. It’s just ugly.”The sexually abusive man won’t necessarilyrape his partner in the literal sense of usingphysical force or threats of harm—though somedo. Instead he may insult her when she declineshis advances, call her names like “frigid” or“lesbian,” or snarl accusingly, “You must begetting it somewhere else, since you never want tomake it with me anymore.” He may make her feelguilty about his sexual frustration, tell her that hefeels like she doesn’t love him anymore, or saythat a man must have his needs met. He maythreaten infidelity: “Well, if you won’t have sexwith me, I can find plenty of women who will.”And he may carry that threat out; many clients ofmine have used affairs to punish their partners.A woman named Cynthia recounted how herpartner coerced her by using relentlessness: “If Idon’t want to have sex with Ernie, he just goes on

and on, and he won’t stop until I change my mind.He’ll beg me, then he’ll get crude and say I’mfucking someone else. Then it’s nonstop insults. IfI go to sleep, he wakes me up. Some nights I’mjust exhausted after a while. So what do I do?Usually I finally give in. I can’t stand to gothrough it. It ends up being better to just get itover with, even though it’s awful, because then atleast he lets me sleep.”When people think about forced sex, theypicture physical assault. So when an abuser forcessex through pressure or manipulation or sleepdeprivation, a woman doesn’t know what to call itand may blame herself. Dozens of partners of myclients, including Cynthia, have said: “It’s myown fault. I shouldn’t give in to him.” A womancan need some time and distance before she cancome to realize that she was not responsibile forher partner’s sexual mistreatment of her, beforeshe can even name what he did. An ex-partner ofone of my clients said to me, about two years after

she and the abuser divorced, “Looking back on itnow, I can see that I was raped over and overagain for more than ten years.” And she wasrealizing how destructive his actions had been toher soul. Studies show that women whosepartners abuse them sexually can have some ofthe greatest emotional difficulties, includingdepression, of any abused women.HOW MANY ABUSIVE MEN LOOK ATSEXArnaldo, the sexually amazing abuser, and Ernie,the sexually degrading abuser, are not as differentas they may seem. Their underlying orientationtoward sex is similar. One style of abusive manmay behave in a sexually appropriate manner forthe early period of a relationship, and then onenight from hell he may broadside his partner withaggressive, degrading sex or even force heroutright. The woman is left in shock, heartbroken

and betrayed, feeling that her life has been turnedupside down. A few of the women I’ve workedwith have even told me of the anguish of beingsexually assaulted on the night of their wedding orwithin a few days thereafter. With other abusivemen the change may be gradual rather thanabrupt, the early months of exciting and lovingsexuality blending slowly into arm-twisting andugliness. When we look inside the abuser’s mind,we often find that dazzling lovemaking and spiritmurderingsexual aggression can actually be twoaspects of the same mind-set.Before I take you through the details andsubtleties of how abusive men typically approacha range of sexual issues, I want to emphasize theunderpinnings of the sexual mentality of manyabusers, the foundation that often supports the restof the structure.1. IT’S FOR HIM

The abuser’s orientation toward sex is likely tobe self-involved. Sex to him is primarily aboutmeeting his needs. He may put some effort intocreating pleasure for his partner, but probably notbecause her satisfaction, or sharing a mutualexperience, is important to him. He is invested inhaving her reach orgasm so that he can seehimself as a great lover. He wants to be eroticbecause he believes that his sexual prowess willenable him to dominate women. Of course, anylover gets some pride out of bringing pleasure to apartner. But to many abusive men, that’s the onlyreason why the woman’s satisfaction matters.Everything refers back to him.An abusive man commonly rolls all of hisemotional needs into one tremendous bundle,which he expects sex to be able to carry. He tendsto have little real heart-to-heart connection withhis partner, since a man cannot be truly close to awoman he is abusing. (Although his partner mayfeel very attached to him through traumatic

onding, and he may feel very attached to havingher meet his various needs, attachment andcloseness are two different things.) So hecompensates for the lack of genuine intimacy byelevating sex to the highest plane, burdening itwith the responsibility of providing for him all theemotional satisfaction that he is not receivingelsewhere in his relationship.2. SHE OWES HIM SEX.My clients commonly believe that a womangives up her right to decline sex once she becomesseriously involved with a man. It’s herresponsibility to have sex with him to make himfeel loved, to meet his sexual needs, or simplybecause that’s her job. The specific point at whichshe loses her right to say no varies from abuser toabuser. For some, the gateway to sexualdomination is the first time they have sex. In otherwords, she has the right to say no as long as she

always says no, but the first time they actuallymake love, she forfeits her option to turn himdown from that day forward. I find thisparticularly true of my younger clients. To otherabusers, marriage is the moment when her body istransferred to his ownership. To still others,moving in together is the demarcation line.A majority of my clients seem to believe thatthe woman loses her right to refuse him if the mandetermines that it has been “too long” since theyhave had sex. The definition of how many dayswithout sex is too many differs for each abuser,but he watches his internal clock and expectsaccess when the alarm goes off. Her decision notto have sex may be respected up to that moment,but then his entitlement tends to take over.In a typical abusive inversion, my clients oftenattempt to convince me that they are the sexualvictims in their relationships. As one man said:“My partner uses sex to control me, that’s howwomen jerk men around. Women are the ones that

eally have the power over men because they knowthey have what we want the most, and they havethe power to shut us out. My wife wants me to beher little puppy dog, begging and drooling andwagging my tail, that’s the only way I’ll get sex.”The underlying attitude comes bursting out of hiswords: He believes his wife is keeping somethingof his away from him when she doesn’t wantintimate contact. He sees sexual rights to a womanas akin to mineral rights to land—and he ownsthem.3. SEX IS A WAY TO ESTABLISHPOWER AND DOMINANCE.We have been looking at the abusive attitudethat says: “We have sex because I have powerover you.” On the flip side of that outlook is anequally prevalent aspect of abusive thinking: “Ihave power over you because we have sex.” In thisrespect his sexual actions are like those of a

tomcat marking territory. Once he has “gone allthe way” with a woman, he feels that he owns her,or at least owns a piece of her. Both the kinder andmore cruel aspects of the sexuality of abusive mencan spring from the use of sex to establishdominance.One quarter or more of my clients cheat on theirpartners repeatedly. These men seem to getexcitement from establishing their power overwomen in general, by demonstrating their abilityto get sexual access. An abuser may get all thissex by creating an image of himself as astupendous lover; by telling woman after womanthat he is in love with her and that he is planningto leave his partner for her “as soon as I can breakthe news to her, but I just need a little time to lether down easy”; by using drugs or alcohol toimpair a woman’s ability to resist, or by force andintimidation. This man is heavily focused on“scoring,” and the actual effect he has on the livesof these women, from broken promises to sexually

transmitted infections, never seems to hit home forhim.Sexual access to lots of different women maynot only make him feel powerful vis-à-vis womenbut also in relation to other men. If he feelscompetitive with men, he can demonstrate hissuperiority by having more notches in his belt,“bagging” women like deer. He may surroundhimself with men who share his view that highstatus in the pecking order accrues to those whocan control or exploit the most women. (See “ThePlayer” in Chapter 4.)For those abusers who are not chronicallyunfaithful to their partners, this competition withmen may still exist, perhaps taking the form ofdesiring to have the most beautiful or sexy partnerand wanting other men to see how he owns andcontrols her. His partner may be flattered by hispride in her at first, but gradually she comes tofeel that she is being used as a showpiece, withher humanity ignored.

4. HE SEES HER AS A SEX OBJECT.An abuser who exhibits any one of the sexualattitudes described above—or all three—has todistance himself from his partner’s thoughts andfeelings in order to avoid guilty feelings abouthow he is using and wounding her sexually. Oneway he may do this is by seeing his partner as asex object, as if she were a pornographic photorather than a person, devoid of emotions orambitions, free of any need for personal integrityor safety. This style of abusive man looks at hispartner as a machine to be used for his sexual use.This depersonalizing of his partner can, in thelong term, be as psychologically injurious to heras any of his other abusive behaviors. Partners ofmy clients sometimes tell me:“He just makes me feel gross.”“I feel dirty and slimed on.”

“He makes me feel cheap.”“The sexual stuff he does is what has reallyruined my self-esteem.”“It’s been years since I’ve had sex that reallyfelt loving or voluntary. With him it seemsmore like he thinks he’s winning a war orsomething. It’s like an invasion. I hate it.”Dehumanization can be a sickening, horribleexperience for the person at whom it is directed. Ifyou are involved with a sexually exploitativepartner, you may find that sex is sometimes, orperhaps always, a nightmare. Exploitative, rough,coercive, uncaring sex is similar to physicalviolence in its effects, and can be worse in manyways. And part of why it feels so degrading is thata woman can sense the fact that in her partner’smind she has ceased to exist as a human being.Abusive men who have these kinds of attitudesof sexual ownership sometimes refuse to use birth

control or to practice safe sex. I have hadnumerous clients, for example, who haveconceived children through sexual assaults ontheir partners. The implications of these kinds ofsexual abuse for a woman—and for her children—are very serious.BACK TO MISTER AMAZINGHaving laid out the worst aspects of the sexualmind-set of many abusive men, we now can goback to reexamine Arnaldo, the sexually excitingand engaging abuser. Ironically, part of why he isso sexually dynamic is that he is profoundly selfinvolved.He can create a vibrantly sensuallovemaking experience because of how engrossedhe is in seeing himself as an awe-inspiring person.(This is connected to why severely self-centeredpeople in general, not just abusive men, can oftenbe charismatic and seductive.) When Mr.Amazing is lighting the candles, choosing the

music, and using his soft, smooth voice to conjurethe sexual mood, you may be thinking, “Wow,this is so amazingly deep, and here we are goingthrough this together.” But in reality the abuser issecretly off in a world by himself, engaged morewith his fantasy than with you.Mr. Amazing is enraptured for another reason:He finds possession enthralling. He feels like he isentering a magical realm where you belong to himtotally, where he can be the ultimate master andyou his unquestioning and contented slave. Hecraves, in short, a sexual partner with no mind orwill of her own.Finally, on some level he hopes that his abilityto transport you sexually will tie you to him, sothat he can have power over you in other,nonsexual ways. And, in some relationships, theabuser’s belief in the power of his sexuality is selffulfilling:if much of the rest of the time he actscold or mean, the episodes of lovemaking canbecome the only experience you have of loving

attention from him, and their addictive pull thusbecomes greater. In this way he can draw you intobeing as dependent on sex as he is, although for avery different reason.THE ABUSER WHO ISN’T INTERESTEDIN SEX (AT LEAST NOT ANYMORE)Not every abusive man is pressuring ordemanding with respect to sex. In fact, asubstantial number of the partners of my clientscomplain of the opposite problem: The man haslost sexual interest almost completely, and thewoman is feeling rejected and hungry for sex andaffection. His drop in sexual energy can bepropelled by several forces, including:A substantial proportion of abusive menare sexually shallow and so are onlyattracted to women with whom they havenot had sex or to those they have beenwith only a few times. Your partner may

not be interested in the kind of deepconnection needed to sustain a livelysexual relationship over time and insteadis off pursuing his latest fantasy of agreat sexual relationship. His body maynot be cheating yet, but his mind is.Similarly, he may be incapable ofsustained sexual attraction to any womanwho doesn’t meet his exaggerated ideal.He may want a woman with perfectfeatures and a flawless body, like theairbrushed models in magazines. He maylose interest rapidly in a real-life womanwhose body changes over time (fromchildbearing, for example, or simply fromage) or one who, on close examination, isrevealed to have blemishes orimperfections, as any real human beingdoes. He’ll never find his dream girlbecause she doesn’t exist, but he maypour a lot of his time and mental energy

into the search—and into punishing youfor not being her.He may be attracted primarily to sexinvolving domination, referred to bysome researchers as the sexualization ofsubordination. As your relationshipprogresses, he may feel disappointed todiscover that you don’t fit his fantasy of aconcubine—submissive and servile.There may be ways in which you standup to him, refusing to relinquish certainaspects of your life or thoughts to hiscontrol. Some abusive men unfortunatelyhave difficulty in achieving sexualarousal once they discover that a womanis determined to be her own person.He may be punishing you for some wayyou have challenged him, or for timeswhen you have not felt like having sexwith him. It is common for abusive mento withhold sex as a control tactic.

If he is indeed having an affair, hisenergy for sex at home is bound to besiphoned off some. The chances that he iscarrying a dangerous infection are alsorising. If you have any concerns that yourpartner may be cheating on you, be sureto insist on safer sex practices. Ifrequiring him to use safe sex feelsdangerous to you because of how he mayreact, call a hotline for help right away.He may be addicted to drugs or alcohol.Some substance abusers lose their sexdrive.He may be gay. A small number of myclients have eventually admitted to theirpartners, or to me, that they are primarilyattracted to men. In a slightly larger butstill small number of cases, the mannever admits that he is gay, but thewoman either catches him with a man orrealizes that he spends most of his time

at gay hangouts or with gay friends. Justbecause a man is gay doesn’t mean thathe can’t be abusive to women. He may,for example, use a female partner as awindow dressing to give him socialrespectability, diverting attention fromhis homosexuality. This is simply anotherexample of how abusive men, straight orgay, tend to use women for selfishpurposes.He may ration out sex as a way to gainpower, sensing that you will try extrahard to keep him happy in hopes ofgetting him interested in lovemaking.As I have discussed, abusive men tend to movebetween extremes, from loving and attentive tohateful and intimidating, from being overlyinvolved in the minute details of your life toexpressing no interest, from showing exclusiveconcern with what is good for you to being

unboundedly selfish. The swing from electricsexual charge to loss of all sexual desire canincrease his power just as the other highs andlows do.SEX AS A CURE-ALLA baffling question arises over and over againamong the female partners of my clients: “Whydoes he want to have sex right after an incident inwhich he has been horrible to me? Sex is the lastthing on my mind at that moment.”QUESTION 12:WHY DOES HE WANT SEXAFTER ABUSING ME?Contrary to what some abusive men seem tobelieve, women do not find abuse sexy. When awoman’s partner calls her “bitch” or “whore,”

mocks her, or physically intimidates her, theimage of entwining herself intimately with himrecedes far from her mind. How can you “makelove” after someone has just treated you in a waythat feels more like hatred? Abusive men do notgrasp how ugly they appear when acting cruel.So why are his feelings so different? Doesabuse turn him on? Perhaps. Some men do appearto find abuse arousing, probably because theyassociate sexuality with domination. But otherreasons why he might want sex after mistreatingyou are more common, including:He is seeking a quick-fix for his abusivebehavior. He feels that if you have sextogether, it proves that his verbaldegradation or his violence is not thatserious, that you aren’t hurt by what hedid, and that everything is forgiven andforgotten.He wants to reassure himself that his

abuse isn’t going to cause you to pullaway from him emotionally or sexually.In fact, pursuing sex after abuse can bean expression of the man’s entitlement,as if to say, “Even if I’m mean to you, Ishould still get to have sexual access.”An incident of abuse leaves the abusive manwith a bad taste in his mouth, which he wants tochase away quickly, and sex helps him do that.But the woman can’t drive her anguish off soeasily, as it runs much too deep. Unfortunately,the abuser’s self-focus makes him unwilling tounderstand that difference.SEX AS A WAY TO KEEP WOMENDIVIDEDSome of my clients are the focal points of swirlingwars among females who hate each otherpassionately. The man creates and feeds thesebattles by being sexually unfaithful, making

promises to various women that he’s going topursue a long-term relationship with each one ofthem, bad-mouthing women to each other, gettingwomen pregnant, and making them feel sorry forhim. (See “The Player” in Chapter 4.) By gettingwomen to channel their energy into fighting witheach other, he escapes confrontation oraccountability for his own actions and gets womento focus on meeting his needs and keeping himhappy. Here are a couple of the approaches thatclients of mine have used:Chris and DonnaChris makes his partner, Donna, insecure byfrequently looking hard at other women orspeaking flirtatiously with them and by spending alot of time on phone calls for which he has oddexplanations. He likes Donna to be aware that alot of women are interested in him, so he dropssuggestive comments from time to time. Hepretends that he feels hostile toward these women,whom he accuses of “trying to tear us apart

ecause they want to be with me.” When Donnastarts to hear rumors that he is sleeping around,and when one woman finally tells her outright thatshe has been having an affair with Chris, he tellsDonna that these are lies designed to drive wedgesbetween them. Donna spends a lot of timewondering whether Chris is really telling the truthand hating the women who are trying to take herman away from her.Sam and NancyA few years into his relationship with Nancy, Samhas a secret affair for a couple of months with awoman named Zoe. He finally cuts off the affairand confesses to Nancy. He claims that Zoeseduced him and that he knew all along theyshouldn’t have been seeing each other, but he wasafraid of hurting her because she seemed deeplydepressed, so he kept postponing the decision toend it. “Zoe kept saying that she and I are right foreach other, but I always knew it was just a flingand that I belong with you. She just wouldn’t

listen, though.” He says that what finallyprompted him to break things off with Zoe washer unkind comments about Nancy, which hequotes to her. Nancy becomes furious at Zoe uponhearing about her insults.A year or so later, Nancy senses that Sam isdrifting from her, including losing interest in sex.She snoops around a little and discovers that he isinvolved with Zoe again. She demands that Samstop seeing her and he reluctantly agrees, but twomonths later he is involved with her again. “Idon’t know how to explain it,” Sam says,“because I don’t have feelings for her like I havefor you. She just has some hold over me. It’s asexual thing I guess. I just can’t seem to say no.”Nancy comes increasingly to hate Zoe for ruiningher relationship.Meanwhile, Sam uses his tortured feelingsabout being “caught between two women” as anexcuse for mounting abuse. For example, Nancyconfronts him one day about lying to her and

stealing her money. Sam responds by apologizingand explaining that he feels guilty and torn abouthis relationship with Zoe. He says that he stole themoney to buy something for Zoe because she wasso depressed that he was afraid she might try tohurt herself. Years go by, and he is still putting offmaking a clear choice between the two women, sotheir mutual bitterness is deep.Over this period Sam’s treatment of Nancy getsprogressively worse, including one incident inwhich he knocks a table over onto her leg. Hedoesn’t show any signs of using his abusivebehaviors with Zoe, which makes Nancy hate herall the more. Zoe, meanwhile, goes around tellingpeople: “Nancy treats Sam so badly; he is so hurtby her. He’s told me all about how mean she is tohim, and that’s why he wants to be with me. Thereason he has trouble divorcing her is that they goback a lot of years together and their families arefriends of each other, but he’s almost ready.”Both of the above scenarios involve an abusive

man who keeps getting women to focus on eachother’s behavior rather than his. He relies partlyon popular negative stereotypes of women, fromwhich women themselves are not immune.Women are conditioned, for example, to see oneanother as catty, conniving, and eager to steal menfrom other women. Meanwhile he gets to remain aplayer, which is what he wants. On a couple ofoccasions, my colleagues and I have overheardclients in the waiting area joking and laughingabout ways in which women fall for thesemachinations, as if their ability to get away with itreinforced their masculinity.HOW TO STOP THIS ROUTINEWomen can interfere with these manipulations ifthey keep the following principles in mind:1. An abusive man lies a lot. Don’t believewhat he tells you about what ishappening in his relationships withother women, including what those

women have supposedly said about you.2. Communicate directly with otherwomen as much as possible to comparestories about what he is saying anddoing, so that he can’t play you offagainst each other.3. If a man cheats, that is 100 percent hisown responsibility. Don’t let himchannel your anger toward the otherwoman as if he were the helpless victimof a seduction. Abusive men love toportray themselves as unable to controltheir hormonal urges, which isnonsense.4. Apply the principle of “no thirdchances.” When a man, especially anabusive one, cheats for the second time,that means that more affairs will follow,no matter what promises he may make.5. Many women want to have a sexually

intense partner, which is fine; men don’thave to cheat to be sexy. Abusive menlove to create the impression that theirsexual wandering is a product of howpassionate they are. But the reality isthat sexual passion and faithfulness areentirely compatible. The reason hecheats is because he is a manipulator,not because he’s sexy.THE ROLE OF PORNOGRAPHYIn pornography that is geared toward heterosexualmen, women are portrayed as very simple. Theyare always in the mood for sex, and they never sayno. They have no sexual needs—or needs of anykind—of their own; all they seem to care about isthe man’s pleasure. They require no commitment,no sacrifice, and little money. When a man isfinished with them, he turns off the video or closesthe magazine, and they’re gone. What could be

easier?Most pornographic images regrettably fit wellwith the abusive mind-set. The woman isavailable and submissive. Reduced to a body, andusually further reduced to just her sexual organs,she is depersonalized. The man owns her, literally,because he owns the video or magazine orcomputer image. The woman is sometimes evendepicted as being sexually excited by verbalabuse, roughness, violence, or even torture.Cartoons and jokes in pornography often insult ordegrade women and their anatomy, or even makerape appear funny, feeding anti-female ways ofthinking.For many abusive men, pornography hasshaped their sexuality since they were teenagers oreven younger. It has helped to form their view ofwhat women are like and what they ought to be.When a graduate of what I call “The PornographySchool of Sexuality” discovers, for example, thathis partner does not find a slap in the face

arousing, he thinks that’s evidence of somethingwrong with her sexually, not him. His mind-set is:The women in the magazines and videos all likeit, so why don’t you? A large percentage of abusedwomen report that they have been pressured one ormore times to behave like the women inpornography, often to the point of acting out aspecific scenario that the man finds enticing butthat she experiences as repulsive, frightening, orviolent. Abusers thus sometimes directly modeltheir sexual interests on stories or images frompornography.Partners of my clients report to me on theirefforts to set limits regarding the presence ofpornography in the house, especially wherechildren might get access to it. These women havegood instincts. Abusive men absolutely need to bekept away from pornography, as it feeds theprecise thinking that drives their abusiveness.Women who like to use pornography themselvesshould try to avoid doing so with an abusive

partner.I have received numerous reports over the yearsfrom women who have told me that they werebeing pressured or required by their abusivepartners to watch pornography. This seems largelyto be a strategy to break down the woman’sresistance to performing certain sexual acts theman wants, although the actual effect is often toincrease her repulsion rather than to create desire.Pornography tends to be filled with abuse ofwomen, so his drive to make her watch it can alsocome from wanting to prove to her that hisdegrading treatment is normal.WHAT ABOUT SEX THAT INVOLVESGAMES OF FORCE OR VIOLENCE?Is all sex play that involves adopting roles ofdomination or force abusive, even if it’sconsensual? This is a highly controversialquestion among heterosexuals as well as lesbians

and gay men. My opinion is that the answer is no.The key words, however, are consensual and play.For example, couples who play sex gamesinvolving force need to have a mutuallyestablished signal that means “I want you to stopfor real,” and that signal must be respected. If onepartner gives the “stop” signal and the forcedoesn’t immediately cease, what is occurring issexual assault, not lovemaking.Here is another critical point: The meaning ofwhat happens during sexual play is determinedby the context of the relationship. If partners areconsistently kind to and respectful of each other indaily life, they can probably share kinkylovemaking without making either person feelunsafe or degraded. But in an abusive relationshipthese lines are too blurry. It’s a stretch to call anysexual contact fully consensual when it takes placein an atmosphere of abuse; the woman is alwayshaving to gauge whether her partner will reactabusively if she says no to a particular sex act, so

her choices rarely feel truly free. Many abusers geta thrill out of taking sex play too far, to where itisn’t play any more and causes genuine pain orfear. When the woman tells him later that she feltassaulted or raped, he may respond disparagingly,“We always play games like that. Come off it.”When she tries to explain why the sex felt so bad,he isn’t willing to listen, mostly because he knowsit was not consensual this time, and he got acharge out of that.When you are being mistreated in arelationship, stay away from force scenariosduring lovemaking, even if the times when yourpartner does stay within appropriate limits are fun.Other times it isn’t going to be fun at all. If youcan say no to those games without running therisk of being attacked, do so. These kinds ofgames can only be played safely in a nonabusiverelationship.SEX AND DOUBLE STANDARDS

The double standards that are endemic to abuserscan stand out sharply in the sexual arena. Themost obvious one involves outside relationships.The abuser who has frequent affairs is often thesame one who interrogates his partner about hermovements and social contacts and goes ballisticwhen he has the slightest suspicion that she isdeveloping any kind of connection—sexual orotherwise—to another man. He may enjoy lookingover other women from head to toe as he and hispartner walk down the street, but if she gives somuch as a sidelong glance at a male, he screamsat her and calls her a “slut.”A popular justification for this double standardis that men have an inherent need to be with manydifferent women, whereas women want to bemonogamous. Over the years I have had manyclients use such sociobiological arguments withme, saying that from a genetics standpoint maleshave reason to desire sex with as many differentfemales as possible, while females succeed best—

in evolutionary terms—if they choose theirpartners carefully. You might call this the “humanbeings are basically baboons” argument. Inreality, there are plenty of examples of stablemonogamy in nature. But these arguments areultimately beside the point; there is simply noexcuse for double standards or for any other aspectof abuse. (I sometimes ask my clients, when theyattempt to lead me into this theoretical quagmire,“Do you cook your meat before you eat it?” Whenthey answer that of course they do, I say, “Isn’tthat awfully unnatural? I’ve never seen any otheranimal doing such a peculiar thing.” Humanbehavior can only be measured by humanstandards.)My clients sometimes pressure their partnerswith the myth that men can suffer physical pain ordamage if they become sexually aroused and arenot satisfied. Of course, I have never heard themclaim that this risk applies to unsatisfied women.A fair number of my clients have imposed an

additional double standard, according to which thewoman is expected to consent to sex any time theman is in the mood, but she is never supposed toinitiate sex herself. As one partner of a client saidto me: “If I’m in the mood, I have to make surenot to let it show too much, because he shuts it offreal fast if it’s coming from me.” Nothing couldbetter illustrate the way in which an abuser’sapproach to sex reflects his overall orientationtoward power and control. He wants to run thecouple’s sex life, and he doesn’t want her needsinterfering with his fantasy in any way. He prefersthe two-dimensional women in the magazines,who never come to him asking for anything.SEX AND VULNERABILITYFor most women (and perhaps for mostnonabusive men as well) sex is an area ofemotional vulnerability. An abuser’s charm duringthe better periods of a relationship can lead his

partner to open up to him about deeply personaland potentially painful issues. Sexual relationsthen add an additional layer of vulnerability, as theabuser learns about the woman’s sexual likes anddislikes and about her previous sexualexperiences. She may confide in him about somesexual victimization she suffered earlier in life, orabout a period of promiscuity she went through, orabout “hang-ups” or sexual difficulties that shehas. The abusive man tends to make mental noteof the highly personal knowledge he gains. Atanother phase in the relationship, when things turnugly, his partner may find that her vulnerabilitiesare being thrown back on her. If she revealed tohim earlier that she sometimes has difficultyreaching orgasm, he now may be throwing wordslike frigid and cold fish in her face. If she sharedany discomfort regarding sex, he now will call heruptight and repressed, especially when shedoesn’t happen to like what he likes. (To theabuser, sexual liberation means the freedom to do

whatever he wants.) If she told him aboutsuffering child sexual abuse or previousexperiences of rape, he now will characterize heras being permanently damaged by those violationsor use her past to discredit her current grievances:“That’s why you think I don’t treat you well,because you were abused before. It’s not me.” Insome of my cases the abuser has even spreadprivate sexual information about his partner inpublic, including her sources of shame, therebyhumiliating her and making it difficult for her tocontinue being around other people. Other clientsof mine have been careless or insensitiveregarding the risk of pregnancy or ofcommunicating sexually transmitted diseases,increasing the woman’s sense of violation.The shock to a woman of having her deepestvulnerabilities thrown back in her face bysomeone she has loved and trusted can cause aburning pain unlike any other. This is intimatepsychological cruelty in one of its worst forms.

SEXUAL ASSAULT IS VIOLENCEOver the years I occasionally have had clients whodo not punch, slap, or physically hurt theirpartners but have repeatedly forced them to havesex through threats, intimidation, or physicalforce, including holding the woman down. Thepartner of this style of abuser sometimes says, “Hewas never violent to me,” despite describing adegrading and debilitating history of coerced sex.But sexual assault is violence. An abuser whoforces his partner to have any form of sexualrelations against her will is physically batteringher. There is a societal tendency not to recognizethe violence present in sexual assault, which canmake it more difficult for a woman to understandher own reactions and reach out for help. If youfeel like you have been sexually violated by yourabusive partner, trust your own perceptions andcall an abuse or rape hotline (see “Resources”).Repeated studies have demonstrated that men

who embrace certain key myths about rape aremore likely to carry out a sexual assault. Themisconceptions include the belief that women findrape arousing, that they provoke sexual assaultwith their style of dress or behavior, and thatrapists lose control of themselves. These myths areeasy for many abusive men to accept, because theyare consistent with the other characteristics of anabusive outlook on female partners. It is notsurprising, then, that the risk to an abused womanof being sexually assaulted by her partner is high.I also have had clients who use sexual assault topunish their partners, sometimes because of angerdirectly related to sex and sometimes not,including some who have raped their ex-partnersfor leaving them. The impact of such assaults canbe devastating.SEXUALITY IS a central arena in which theabuser’s relationship to power is played out,including power over his partner’s reproductive

process. Although he may appear to keep hisabusiveness separate from your sex life, closerexamination of the dynamics of his conduct maypersuade you that he carries his core attitudeproblems right into the bedroom with him. Thesubtle undercurrent of “sexualization ofsubordination” can take some time to identify. It israre, unfortunately, for any aspect of an abuser’srelationship with his partner to remain untouchedby his entitlement and disrespect.KEY POINTS TO REMEMBERThe abuser often believes that theultimate decision-making authorityregarding sex rests with him. He may seehis partner as his sexual possession.Sex with an abuser can be especiallygood, but it can also be a horror show.The two extremes actually result from

similar attitudes in the abuser’s mind-setregarding sex.The majority of abusers sexualize power,including some who find violencesexually exciting.Since sexuality is an area of particularvulnerability for most women, an abusermay use any of your sensitivities againstyou.If you feel uncomfortable about sexualinteractions with your partner, listencarefully to your inner voice regardingwhat is good for you. An abusive manwill try to tell you that your discomfort isyour own problem rather than a productof his coercive, disrespectful, orhumiliating sexual behavior.Women (and men) can heal frominjurious sexual experiences, but healingis not likely to happen while abuse

continues in the present. Attaining anabuse-free life is thus the first step tosexual wellness.

8Abusive Men and AddictionIf I could just get him to stop drinkingand smoking pot, the abuse would stop.He’s completely different when he’sdrinking—he turns mean.He has stopped drinking, and now hesays that I have a problem with alcohol.I try really hard not to upset him,because when he gets mad he drinks.He can be a terror when he doesn’thave pot. He’s a lot easier to deal withwhen he’s stoned.

THE ROLE THAT ALCOHOL, drugs, and otheraddictions play in abusiveness has been greatlymisunderstood. A majority of abusers are notaddicts, and even those who do abuse substancesmistreat their partners even when they are notunder the influence. Abusive men who succeed inrecovering from an addiction continue to abusetheir partners, although sometimes there is a shortbreak in their worst behaviors. Physically violentabusers sometimes refrain from violence for asubstantial period of time when they get sober, buttheir psychologically abusive treatment continuesor even worsens. Addiction does not causepartner abuse, and recovery from addiction doesnot “cure” partner abuse.At the same time, a man’s addictions cancontribute in important ways to his cruelty orvolatility. A drunk or drugged abuser tends tomake his partner’s life even more miserable than asober one does. The trick is to separate fact fromfiction, including the myths perpetrated by abusers

themselves, regarding how addiction affects theabusive man and his partner.NOT ALL SUBSTANCE ABUSERS AREABUSIVE PARTNERSPart of how we know that partner abuse is notcaused by substances is that many alcoholics anddrug addicts are neither mean to nor controlling oftheir partners. Some alcoholics drink only late atnight, or they drink away from home and returnonly to pass out. Some become passive andpathetic, not belligerent or domineering. A certainnumber even provide fairly responsibly for theirfamilies and take good care of their children, atleast during the early years of their addiction. Insuch cases the man’s substance abuse certainlycauses serious problems for his partner andchildren, but the atmosphere differs sharply fromthat of a home where a partner abuser lives. Andwhile substance abusers can be male or female,

abusive partners are overwhelmingly male.NOT ALL ABUSIVE PARTNERS ARESUBSTANCE ABUSERSWe can further uncouple addiction from partnerabuse by observing that a clear majority of partnerabusers do not abuse alcohol or drugs or showother signs of addiction. Even if we restrict ourdiscussion to physically violent abusers, I still findaddiction present less than half of the time, andmost researchers report similar observations.In short, partner abuse and substance abuse aretwo separate problems. Both are rampant in theworld today, so it is no surprise that they oftenturn up in the same person, along with dandruff,acne, college degrees, and various other noncausalfactors.ISN’T PARTNER ABUSE ITSELF A TYPEOF ADDICTION?

No. Partner abuse has its own causes anddynamics that are unrelated to addiction, althoughit also shares some features. In recent years somecounseling programs have sprung up that claim toaddress substance addiction and partner abuse atthe same time, but they are selling false hopes. Adoctor theoretically may be able to developspecialties in both brain surgery and pelvicreconstruction—although it would be verydifficult, given the complexities involved—but ifhe or she claims to perform one procedure that cansolve a problem in both areas, you shouldn’t buyit. The differences between abusing women andabusing substances are great enough that theyhave to be addressed in separate ways.HOW PARTNER ABUSE AND ADDICTIONARE SIMILARThe ways in which partner abuse resemblesaddiction include the following:• Escalation

Alcoholics tend to find that they are drinkingincreasing amounts, or with increasing frequency,or both. This escalation is caused partly bytolerance, which means that the body adapts tothe substance, so that more is required to have thesame effect. “I can handle my alcohol” isessentially a short form for saying, “I have beendrinking too much for a long time now, so it takesa lot to get me drunk.” (Some addicts experiencethe opposite effect, so that smaller and smalleramounts can intoxicate them over time.)Substance abuse also escalates for other reasons,including the addict’s increasing fear of facingreality the more time he or she has spent escapingit, and the mounting life problems that theaddiction itself is creating, which gives the addictmore things to need to escape from.Partner abuse also tends to escalate, at least forthe first few years of a relationship. One of thecauses of mounting abuse is that the abuser getsfrustrated by the effects of his own abusiveness,

which he then uses as an excuse for more abuse.For example, you as the partner of an abuser mayhave become increasingly depressed over time(because chronic mistreatment is depressing), andnow he gets angry about the ways in which yourdecreased energy make you cater to him lessenthusiastically. Similarly, abuse may diminishyour drive for sex, and then he is hurt and enragedabout your lack of desire for him.The concept of tolerance can also be applied topartner abuse, but with different implications. Asan abusive man adapts to a certain degree ofmistreatment of his partner, his feelings of guiltnag at him less and less, so he is then able tograduate to more serious acts. He becomesaccustomed to a level of cruelty or aggression thatwould have been out of the question for him a fewyears earlier. In some cases the concept oftolerance also applies to the abused woman, whenshe becomes inured to his abusiveness and startsto stand up to him more. He then increases his

abusiveness because he sees that it takes more tofrighten or control her than it used to. Thisescalation is similar to the style of crowd controlused by a military dictatorship, which shootsrubber bullets as long as they are adequate todisperse protestors but switches to liveammunition when the crowds stop running awayfrom the rubber bullets.However, many women (and their children)respond to the trauma of abuse by becoming easierto frighten rather than harder. A recent study ofphysical batterers found, for example, that aboutone-third of the men decreased their violence overtime, because the women had become sofrightened that the men could control them withscary words and glances, making actual assaultsunnecessary.• Denial, minimization, and blamingAddicts and partner abusers share a capacity forconvincing themselves that they don’t have anyproblem and for hotly denying the problem to

other people. An alcoholic may say that he drank“a couple of frosties” on a night when he had threeforty-ounce beers and two shots, or insist thatalcohol is not a problem for him because he neverdrinks liquor, although he throws back two casesof beer each weekend. The addict also follows thepartner abuser’s pattern in externalizingresponsibility. In the world of substance abusetreatment, the expression people, places, andthings is used to describe the addict’s way ofalways finding someone or something to blame fordrinking or drugging.• Choosing approving peersSubstance abusers prefer to spend their time withother people who abuse substances or with thosewho at least accept the addiction without makingan issue of it, and who will listen sympatheticallyto the addict’s excuses for his behavior. Partnerabusers make similar choices regarding theirsocial circle. Their male friends tend to eitherabuse their own wives or girlfriends or else make

comments about abuse that buy into excusemaking and victim blaming. (In researchterminology this is called providing informationalsupport for abuse.) Their female friends may bemostly people who will accept their poor-mestories about being the victims of hysterical ormentally ill women.• Lying and manipulatingBoth partner abusers and addicts can have chronicproblems with lying to cover up their problem,escape accountability, and get other people toclean up the messes they make. Partner abusers,however, use dishonesty and manipulation for theadditional purpose of gaining power and controlover their partners, which is a separate dynamic.• Lack of predictabilityBoth partner abusers and substance abusers tendto keep their partners and children walking oneggshells, never knowing what is going to happennext. This dynamic helps to hook family members

into hoping that he will change.• Defining roles for family membersBoth abusive men and addicts can set up familymembers to be cast in roles that serve the abusescenario. One person may become the confronter,another the protector, and another the familyscapegoat, whom the abuser uses as a place to layall the blame for the problems that he himself isactually causing in the family.• High rates of returning to abuse after periodsof apparent changeBoth groups have rampant problems withdropping out of treatment programs or withcontinuing to abuse even after “successful”completion of a program. Deep and lasting changecomes only through an extended and painstakingseries of steps, although the process of change forsubstance abusers is quite different from that forpartner abusers.HOW PARTNER ABUSE AND ADDICTION

ARE DIFFERENTThe ways in which partner abuse differs fromaddiction include the following:• Partner abusers don’t “hit bottom.”Substance abuse is self-destructive. Over time, theaddict’s life becomes increasingly unmanageable.He tends to have difficulty keeping jobs; hisfinances slide into disarray (partly due to theexpense of his habit); his friendships decline. Hemay alienate himself from his relatives unless theyare substance abusers themselves. This downwardspiral can lead the addict to reach a nadir wherehis life is finally such a mess that he can no longerdeny his problem. Alcoholics commonly attributetheir entrance into recovery to such an experienceof “hitting bottom.”Partner abuse, on the other hand, is notespecially self-destructive, although it isprofoundly destructive to others. A man can abusewomen for twenty or thirty years and still have a

stable job or professional career, keep his financesin good order, and remain popular with his friendsand relatives. His self-esteem, his ability to sleepat night, his self-confidence, his physical health,all tend to hold just as steady as they would for anonabusive man. One of the great sources of painin the life of an abused woman is her sense ofisolation and frustration because no one elseseems to notice that anything is awry in herpartner. Her life and her freedom may slide downthe tubes because of what he is doing to her mind,but his life usually doesn’t.It is true that partner abusers lose intimacybecause of their abuse, since true closeness andabuse are mutually exclusive. However, theyrarely experience this as much of a loss. Eitherthey find their intimacy through close emotionalconnections with friends or relatives, as many ofmy clients do, or they are people for whomintimacy is neither a goal nor a value (as is alsotrue of many nonabusers). You can’t miss

something that you aren’t interested in having.In recent years, physically assaultive abusersare for the first time hitting bottom in one sense:They are occasionally experiencing unpleasantlegal consequences for their actions.Unfortunately, most court systems still treatdomestic abusers with special leniency (seeChapter 12), so the bottom seems to be a long waydown.• Short-term versus long-term rewardsSubstance abuse can be highly rewarding. Itbrings quick, easy pleasure and relief fromemotional distresses. It often provides camaraderiethrough entrance to a circle of friends whose sociallife revolves around seeking and enjoyingintoxication. However, these rewards are usuallyshort-lived. Over time, substance abuse causes theaddict emotional distresses that are as great as theones he or she was attempting to escape in thefirst place. Friendships based on substance abuseare shallow and are prone to tensions and ruptures

due to financial resentments, paranoia, mutualirresponsibility, and many other factors. Analcoholic tends to drink more and more, notbecause of how well it is working but because ofhow poorly.Partner abuse, on the other hand, can berewarding to the abuser for many years, andpotentially for a lifetime. In Chapter 6, weexamined the multiple benefits that abusers gainthrough their behavior, none of which necessarilydecreases over time. It is impossible to get partnerabusers to change by trying to persuade them tolook at the damage they are doing to their ownlives (as I tried to do in my early years as an abusecounselor) because they perceive the gains asvastly outweighing the losses. Change in anabuser is primarily brought about when societysucceeds in pressuring him into caring about thedamage he is doing to others.• Societal approval for partner abuse is greater.Social supports for both substance abuse and

partner abuse are regrettably high, but they areeven stronger for the latter, as discussed inChapter 13. Substance abuse receives the activepromotion of alcohol advertising, which domesticabuse does not. But there is an array of writers andorganizations that actively opposes improvementsin legal and institutional responses to domesticabuse, whereas there are no parallel organizedefforts to defend substance abuse. Television,movies, music videos, and other cultural outletsare replete with messages condoning partnerabuse.Because of these critical distinctions betweenpartner abuse and addiction, programs and booksthat have attempted to address abusiveness basedon an addiction model have failed badly. BatterersAnonymous groups, for example, are notorious foracting as support circles for abusers’ excuses andjustifications rather than as launching pads forchange. Recovery programs generally address fewor none of the central attitudes and habits that

cause partner abuse.PARTNER ABUSE DOESN’T GO AWAYWHEN AN ADDICT RECOVERSQUESTION 13:IF HE STOPS DRINKING,WILL HE STOP ABUSING ME?Over the years, dozens of my clients have goneinto recovery from addiction while they wereparticipating in my program, sometimes becauseof pressure from me. No significant improvementhas occurred as a result, except in those men whoalso worked seriously on their partner abuseissues. During the first several months of recovery,a man’s harsh daily criticism and controlsometimes soften, and any physical violence hewas using may lessen or cease for a period, raising

the hopes of the abused woman. She interprets thisrespite as confirmation that the addiction didindeed cause his abusiveness, but his behaviortoward her gradually, or abruptly, reverts to beingas destructive as it was while he was drinking, ornearly so.Ironically, the man’s backsliding tends to beginprecisely as his recovery from addiction starts totake solid hold. The early period of recovery is allconsuming:The compulsion to drink is intense, sothe alcoholic fights a daily internal battle, oftenholding on by a thread. He may be attending oneor more substance abuse meetings per day, whichoccupy his time and maintain his focus. One resultof this Herculean effort is that the man has littletime, energy, or mental space to devote tocontrolling or manipulating his partner. He isentirely self-focused and absorbed. But when hestarts to come out the other end of this whiteknuckleprocess of early recovery, his energy andattention are redirected toward his partner, and his

desire to bully her reemerges.It is not uncommon for abusers to actually getworse when they are in recovery, partly becausethey may become irritable from not drinking andtake it out on family members. Other abusersbecome more controlling when sober than theywere while drunk, standing guard with eyes thatare no longer clouded by alcohol.Perhaps even more important is that an abuser’srecovery program tends itself to become a weaponto use against his partner. Once he stops drinking,for example, he may turn around and insist thatshe is alcoholic too, even if she actually drinksmoderately. He starts to criticize her for being “indenial” about her own drinking, a concept he haslearned at his meetings and about which he nowconsiders himself an expert. Insulting commentsabout her drinking habits and pressure on her togive up alcohol and join AA are likely to follow.The abuser also can use specific concepts fromAA against his partner. For example, AA

encourages participants to review their own faultsand misdeeds and make an inventory of them anddiscourages criticizing or focusing on theshortcomings of others, which is known as“taking someone else’s inventory.” The abuserturns this concept against his partner, so that anytime she attempts to complain about his abusivebehavior and how it affects her, he says to her,“You should work on your own issues instead oftaking my inventory.” Similarly, he uses thedanger that he might drink as an excuse to controlher. For example, when he is bothered bysomething she does, such as confront him abouthis bullying, he says, “You’re getting me stressed,and you know I might drink if I get under toomuch stress.” The accusation “You’re threateningmy sobriety!” becomes a new tool that the abuseruses to hammer and silence his partner. Abusersthus develop new excuses for abuse to make up forthe fact that they no longer can blame it on beingdrunk.

The philosophy of twelve-step programsincludes elements that could be valuable toabusers, but I find that my clients tend to ignorethe principles that could help. For example,according to AA the alcoholic has a responsibilityto make amends for all the damage he has done toother people while he was drinking. Abuserschoose instead to take an almost opposite view,arguing that their partners should not raisegrievances about past abuse, “because that waswhen I was drinking and I’m not like thatanymore, so she should let go of the past.” Theythink of recovery from addiction as a gigantic,self-awarded amnesty program that should causetheir partners’ resentments and mistrust to simplyvanish.Abusers in recovery can be just as committed toblaming their behavior on alcohol as they werewhile drinking. They choose to misinterpret theAA philosophy to mean that they were notresponsible for their actions while they were

drinking—which is not what AA proposes—andthat therefore alcohol is a full and adequateexplanation for all the cruelty and selfishness towhich they have subjected women. Some of myclients use their recovery to try to escape theirresponsibilities, saying that they can’t help withthe children, get a job, or contribute in other ways,“because the program says I need to keep myfocus on myself.” In this way recovery can feed anabusive man’s self-centeredness and excusemaking. A woman who hears the abuser expressthese attitudes may find herself doubting that he isreally changing, and her skepticism is welladvised. Her partner may tell her, “You just haveno faith in people” or “You don’t believe anyonecan change” (as if putting her down were the wayto persuade her that he is no longer abusive!), buther instincts are correctly telling her that he is verymuch the same.I have had clients who made significantchanges from a combination of recovery from

alcoholism and working seriously on takingresponsibility for their abusiveness. Only thendoes an abuser’s recovery from addiction becomea significant step.ALCOHOL HAS NO BIOLOGICALCONNECTION TO ABUSE OR VIOLENCEAlcohol does not directly make people belligerent,aggressive, or violent. There is evidence thatcertain chemicals can cause violent behavior—anabolic steroids, for example, or crack cocaine—but alcohol is not among them. In the humanbody, alcohol is actually a depressant, a substancethat rarely causes aggression. Marijuana similarlyhas no biological action connected to abusiveness.Alcohol and other substances thus contribute topartner abuse in two ways:1. A man’s beliefs about the effects of thesubstance will largely be borne out. If hebelieves that alcohol can make him

aggressive, it will, as research hasshown. On the other hand, if he doesn’tattribute violence-causing powers tosubstances, he is unlikely to becomeaggressive even when severelyintoxicated.2. Alcohol provides an abuser with anexcuse to freely act on his desires. Aftera few drinks, he turns himself loose tobe as insulting or intimidating as hefeels inclined to be, knowing that thenext day he can say, “Hey, sorry aboutlast night, I was really trashed,” or evenclaim to have completely forgotten theincident, and his partner, his family, oreven a judge will let him off the hook.(Courts tend to be especially lenientwith abusers who blame their violenceon a drinking problem.) And the alcoholis an excuse that he accepts, so he isn’tkept awake at night with gnawing guilt

about having hurt his partner.I have had several physically violent clientsadmit that they made the decision to assault theirpartners before they had any alcohol in theirsystems. They went out, as a few of the men haveput it, “to grease the wheels,” drinking for acouple of hours before coming home to start avicious, scary fight. The alcohol arms the abuserwith an excuse and helps him to overcome anyshame or embarrassment that might hold himback. Beware of the man who believes thatdrugging or drinking makes him violent. If hethinks it will, he’ll be right.WHAT ABOUT THE MAN WHO ISABUSIVE ONLY WHEN HE DRINKS?I could count on one hand the number of clients Ihave had whose abusiveness is entirely restrictedto times of intoxication. However, I have workedwith dozens of men whose worst incidents are

accompanied by alcohol use but whose controllingand disrespectful behaviors are a pattern evenwhen they are sober. These abusers tend to fit intoone of the following categories:1. The verbally abusive man whoescalates to physical violence orthreats only when intoxicated: When Iask the partner of such a man todescribe his day-to-day behavior, sheusually reports that he gets meaner andscarier when he’s drinking but that hisname-calling, disrespect, andselfishness are the same, whether he isdrunk or sober. She tends to feel that hisphysically scary behaviors would stop ifshe could get him into recovery and thatshe could manage the rest of his abusivebehaviors. This soothing hope is a falseone for two reasons: (a) When this styleof abuser gets sober, he gradually

accustoms himself to using violencewithout the assistance of alcohol,usually over a period of one or twoyears; and (b) even if he is among thesmall number of exceptions to this rule,the woman usually discovers that hispsychological abuse can be asdestructive to her as his violence was,which tosses her back into having tofigure out what to do.2. The verbal abuser who becomes evenmore cruel and degrading whendrinking but doesn’t escalate toviolence: He is doing the same thingthat the physically assaultive abuserdoes: using alcohol as an excuse. If hegets sober, he gradually comes up withnew excuses, including learning to usehis recovery as an excuse, and life goeson more or less as before.3. The assaultive abuser who becomes

even more violent when intoxicated: Ifind this style the most common amongsubstance-addicted partner abusers.When this abuser is not intoxicated, hemostly refrains from his scariest formsof violence, like punching, kicking,choking, or threatening to kill her. Hispartner may say, “He is only violentwhen he drinks,” but she then goes onto tell me that he shoves or grabs her,walks toward her in menacing ways, issexually rough, or uses other forms ofphysical intimidation or assault evenwhen sober—behaviors that the abuserhas succeeded in convincing her not todefine as violence.If your partner’s behavior becomes much worsewhen he’s intoxicated, you may tend to focus yourattention on trying to manage his drinking, so thatyou never fully realize how abusive he is when

he’s sober. His substance-abuse problem canthereby create a huge diversion from criticalissues.Alcohol does not a change a person’sfundamental value system. People’s personalitieswhen intoxicated, even though somewhat altered,still bear some relationship to who they are whensober. When you are drunk you may behave inways that are silly or embarrassing; you might beoverly familiar or tactlessly honest, or perhapscareless or forgetful. But do you knock over littleold ladies for a laugh? Probably not. Do yousexually assault the clerk at the convenience store?Unlikely. People’s conduct while intoxicatedcontinues to be governed by their core foundationof beliefs and attitudes, even though there is someloosening of the structure. Alcohol encouragespeople to let loose what they have simmeringbelow the surface.ABUSERS MAKE CONSCIOUS CHOICES

EVEN WHILE INTOXICATEDOne of my first abusive clients, almost fifteenyears ago now, was a physically assaultivehusband named Max who worked for a utilitycompany. He had gone out drinking after workone evening, and by the time he arrived at his frontdoor he was “trashed.” He told me that as soon ashe came in the house, his wife, Lynn, began“nagging” him. He “saw red” and started toscream at her and soon was tearing into her withhis fists. Max sheepishly recounted this event tome, going on to admit that he had torn off some ofLynn’s clothes and had “partly” tied her to a chair.(I’m not sure how you “partly” tie someone to achair; they are either tied or they’re not.) As Maxsat in my office, he seemed to be a likable, mildmanneredline worker. It was not easy to imaginewhat he must have looked like through Lynn’seyes that night.I asked him to describe Lynn’s injuries, and he

told me that she had black-and-blue marks andwelts up and down both of her legs. I inquiredabout any other injuries, and he said there werenone. I was surprised, given the brutality of theattack. “Lynn had no bruises on her arms, or onher face? Why not?” Max’s face changed shape,suddenly peering at me as if I must not be verybright, and he sputtered, “Oh, well, of course Iwasn’t going to do anything that would show.”Lynn confirmed to me later that Max hadindeed been stumbling drunk that night. But hadhis inebriation caused him to lose control? Clearlynot. He had remained focused on his desire toprotect his own reputation and to avoid puttinghimself at risk of arrest, and so he had restrictedLynn’s injuries to places where they would becovered by clothing the next day. He couldscarcely be termed “out of control.”I could provide countless similar examples ofthe consciousness and decision making that myclients exhibit while drunk or on drugs. They may

not choose their words quite as carefully, and theymay not have perfect coordination of theirmovements, but they protect their self-interest:They avoid damaging their own prized belongingsand usually don’t let their friends and relatives seetheir most overt and cruel forms of verbal orphysical abuse or anything that they feel wouldn’tbe adequately covered by the “I was drunk”excuse.When I criticize my clients about their drunkenabusiveness, they sometimes respond: “But I wasin a blackout.” However, a blackout is a memorydisconnection that happens after a drunk personpasses out, causing the person to no longer knowwhat occurred upon awakening. The person wasstill conscious during the event. If you ask anextremely drunk but still-awake person whathappened earlier that evening, he or she can tellyou. Thus there is no such thing as being “in” ablackout; the loss of memory happens later.Finally, even if substances could cause people

to “lose control,” the abusive man would still beresponsible for his actions while intoxicatedbecause he made the choice to impair himselfwith alcohol or drugs. A man’s claim that he isnot fully responsible for his mistreatment of hispartner because he was drunk is simply anothermanifestation of the abusive mentality.SUBSTANCES AS WEAPONS OF ABUSEOscar and EllenOscar and Ellen were dining in a restaurant.Tension was mounting during the meal because ofseveral relationship issues, mostly related toEllen’s complaints of mistreatment by Oscar.Oscar, on the other hand, insisted that Ellen’scomplaints were all caused by her ownhypersensitivity and desire to control him. Ellenwas pinning her hopes for their relationship onpersuading Oscar to deal with his alcoholproblem. He had agreed at one point earlier in

their relationship that he was indeed drinking toomuch, and he had maintained sobriety for ninemonths. His abusiveness toward her actuallyhadn’t improved during that time, but she didn’tsee any other strategy to get him to change.The argument at dinner that night focused onhis economic abuse of her. Specifically, he hadwithdrawn $4,000—virtually the entirety of theirsavings—from their joint bank account and hadbought an old BMW “for her.” Ellen was angrythat she hadn’t been consulted, all the more sobecause she was pregnant with their first child andwanted the security of having some savings. Oscarresponded by outdoing her anger, snappingthrough clenched teeth, “You never appreciateanything I do for you! Nothing is ever goodenough for you! You just bitch, bitch, bitch!” Heimmediately proceeded to order a cocktail, whichhe knew would bother her. As soon as thewaitress brought his drink, he looked Ellen in theeye, downed it in three gulps, and quickly ordered

another. He set out to make himself rapidly drunk,and did. Ellen was then afraid to leave therestaurant with him, because she had been throughnumerous occasions on which he had combinedalcohol and rage in a volatile mix that led to raisedfists, pounded walls, thrown objects, and threats,leaving her cowering and trembling.Among my clients, I have encounterednumerous other ways that they have usedsubstances as weapons, including:Stomping out to go driving while drunk,because he knows it will cause her to beupset and worried. This type of maneuveris particularly powerful if the couple haschildren and the family is dependent onthe man’s income for survival.Forcing her to assist him in running ordealing drugs, thereby putting her at riskof serious legal consequences, which hecan use to control her further. (A large

percentage of women who are in prisonfor drug- or alcohol-related charges, orfor minor economic crimes such asforging checks, are serving time forcrimes that either directly or indirectlywere instigated by their abusivepartners.)During periods when he is sober or clean,threatening to return to alcohol or druguse if she does not meet his demands orobey his orders, or claiming that herchallenges of him are “threatening hissobriety.”Blaming her for problems in his life thatare really caused by his addiction.Pressuring and manipulating his partnerinto becoming substance-involvedherself. He then uses her addiction toincrease his power over her and to getother people to disbelieve her reports that

he is abusive. This tactic is particularlycommon when the abuser has asubstance-abuse problem himself, sincehe doesn’t want his partner to be able tohold anything over him. But I have alsohad clients who kept their partnerssubstance-involved while staying soberor using substances only moderatelythemselves.Shane and AmandaIn one of my cases, an alcoholic woman namedAmanda had entered sobriety several times, buther husband, Shane, would sabotage her progresseach time by ridiculing her for being “dependent”on AA, telling her she was weak for not beingable to stay away from alcohol on her own,“without a crutch.” He would also go out and buybeer, telling her, “I just want to have a few onhand in case friends come over,” but he neverseemed to drink them. They would just sit in the

efrigerator and in cabinets tempting her, andfinally she would succumb.Amanda eventually went into a detox center anddidn’t tell Shane where she was going, knowingthat if she spoke with him she was likely to give into the temptation to get back together with him.Shane left no stone unturned in his efforts to findout where she was and get a message to her. As ofmy last contact with the case, she had succeededin staying away from him and as a result hadregained custody of her children, which his abuseand her drinking had caused her to lose.MUTUAL REINFORCEMENT OFADDICTION AND PARTNER ABUSENotice that when a man uses substances as aweapon, he ends up contributing to his ownproblem with substances. Thus partner abuse canfeed the problem of addiction, and not just viceversa. They are two separate issues, neither of

which causes the other but which do help to keepeach other stuck. A man’s abusivenessstrengthens his denial of his substance-abuseproblem, as he can blame all of his life difficultieson his partner. His negative attitudes toward herallow him to easily dismiss concerns that sheraises about his addiction. At the same time, theaddiction fortifies his denial of his abusiveness, ashe uses the substance as an excuse and as aweapon.OTHER ADDICTIONSI have worked with clients who have beenaddicted to gambling, cocaine, heroin, andprescription medications. Several have alsoclaimed to be “sex addicts,” but I don’t buy thisself-diagnosis from abusive men (for reasons that Icovered in Chapter 4, under “The Player”). Anyaddiction can be a financial drain on a couple,contribute to the man’s secretiveness, and

encourage him to use his partner as a scapegoat.An abuser’s addiction doesn’t cause his abuse, butit does make his partner’s life even more painfuland complicated.ENTITLEMENT AND ADDICTIONAn abusive man typically believes that his use orabuse of substances is none of his partner’sbusiness. No matter how his addiction may leadhim to abuse his partner economically (because hepours money into the substance and/or has troubleholding down a job) no matter how burdened sheis with household responsibilities because he isout partying, no matter how much worse he maytreat her while intoxicated, he nonetheless feelsentitled to use substances as he chooses. If shecriticizes him for his selfishness or confronts himwith the effects that his partying has on her life, hefeels justified in calling her a “nag” or a “bitch” orlabeling her “controlling.” In short, irresponsible

use of alcohol or drugs is another one of theprivileges that the abusive man may awardhimself, and he may use psychological or physicalassaults to punish his partner for challenging it.SUBSTANCE ABUSE BLOCKS SELF-EXAMINATIONWhile substance addiction does not cause a manto become abusive, it does ensure that theabusiveness remains. I have yet to see asubstance-abusing client make significant andlasting improvements in his treatment of hispartner unless he simultaneously deals with hisaddiction. In fact, I only give an alcoholic or drugaddict about two months to get himself intorecovery, and if he doesn’t, I dismiss him from theabuser program; I don’t want to give his partnerfalse hopes, nor do I want to waste my program’stime. Facing up to a problem with partner abuse,and changing it, is a profoundly complex and

uncomfortable process that requires consistentcommitment over a long period of time. It takestremendous courage for a man to be honest withhimself, to reevaluate his ways of thinking abouthis partner, and to accept how much emotionalinjury he has caused her. No active substanceabuser is willing or able to take on this task.Thus, although recovery from addiction is notsufficient to bring about change in a man’sabusiveness, it is a necessary prerequisite. Only ifhe is willing to address both problems—and Ihave had a number of clients who have gottenserious about becoming both sober and respectful—can he stop being a source of pain and distressto his partner.KEY POINTS TO REMEMBERAlcohol or drugs cannot make an abuserout of a man who is not abusive.

Even while intoxicated, abusers continueto make choices about their actions basedon their habits, attitudes, and selfinterest.The primary role that addiction plays inpartner abuse is as an excuse.Abusiveness and addiction are twodistinct problems requiring separatesolutions.

9The Abusive Man and Breaking UpFriends tell me that he’s really notdoing well since we split up.I’m worried about him.Last time I tried to leave him he scaredme half to death.Sometimes it seems like he could killme.I don’t want to take the children awayfrom him; he’s their father.He was okay with our breakup until hefound out I was dating somebody.VAN SPOKE WITH A RASPY, modulated voice

that complemented his sadly expressive blue eyes.His reddish-blond hair was always wrapped in abandanna which, combined with his thick neckand upper arms, created a biker image. But hislanguage did not fit the tough-guy stereotype. Hespoke of his pain, of the need to face up to oneself,of the process of denial and acceptance. Heappeared to be his own harshest critic, referringfrequently to his own selfishness, immaturity, andother “character flaws.” He stated openly that hewas alcoholic and was attending at least one AAmeeting per day. He had not had a drink in almosteight months.Van had, by his own description, nearly killedhis partner Gail in a beating nine months earlier.He would gaze at the floor and speak slowly as herecalled this assault, the picture of remorse. “Itwas bad,” he would say. “Real bad. I’m luckyshe’s alive.” He was arrested and spent that nightin jail, before his mother and brother bailed himout the next day. “I drank nonstop for three weeks

afterward, trying to blot out what I had done, andthen I woke up one morning with bruises all overme from some fight I had been in, I don’t evenknow where, and I haven’t had a drink since. Ifinally accepted the fact that I wasn’t going to beable to run from myself forever, and I was going tohave to deal with what I had done to Gail.” He didnot join an abuser program until several monthslater, however, when he was required to do so bythe court.For weeks, Van was my star group member. Hewould challenge other men about their denial,about their efforts to blame their own behavior ontheir partners, about their need to take an honestand painful look at themselves. I pushed him afew times to stop using his alcoholism as anexcuse for abusiveness and to examine moreseriously his history of bullying of and violencetoward Gail. He would react to my challengeswith momentary irritation but then would softenand say, “I know I still have a lot of work left to

do.” In short, he seemed like an abusive man whowas interested in doing the hard work involved inmaking real changes.Van and Gail had been separated since thesevere beating. They were speaking from time totime but not sleeping together. Van said hethought it would be a long time before Gail wouldtrust him again, and he would have to give herspace.However, over a period of three or four months,Van began to realize that Gail was not taking abreak from their relationship in order to rebuildher trust in him, as he had believed. She wasgetting herself unhooked. As it dawned on himthat she was thinking seriously about closing thedoor permanently, he started a rapid backslidebefore my eyes. First, he surprised me one day bysaying that Gail “should really give ourrelationship another chance.” I was stunned.“Why on earth should a woman stay with apartner who gave her a beating that nearly killed

her? I certainly wouldn’t want to do it.”Van said, “The pain in our relationship wasn’tall hers, you know. She hurt me a lot too.” I askedif that somehow justified battering her. “No,” heanswered, “I’m not justifying it. I’m just saying itisn’t like I was all bad and she was all good.”“And so that means she owes you anotherchance? How many times do you get to beat awoman up before she stops owing you?” To this,Van just muttered under his breath and lightlyshook his head.At the next session I focused more time on Van,because separation is a time when abusers can beparticularly destructive. Since the previoussession, he had received the definitive word fromGail that their relationship was over and that shewas going to start dating, making it particularlyimportant for us to try to influence his thoughtprocess. He plunged quickly into a homily abouthow hard he was working on himself in contrastto Gail, “who is going nowhere and who isn’t

dealing with her issues at all.” I asked how Gail’sprogress was going to be assisted by getting backtogether with an abusive man. “Hey,” he said,“I’m a lot better for her than those losers she’shanging around with now. Most of them are stilldrinking and acting totally immature.”Van’s group was alarmed by his reversion, andmembers raced to try to get him back on track,pointing out to him that (1) he was claiming tohave made great changes, but his entitledinsistence that Gail owed him loyalty wasevidence of an abuser who wasn’t changing; (2)he was slipping back into minimizing howdestructive his abusiveness and violence had beento Gail, to an extreme where he was convincinghimself that he was a more constructive presencein her life than other people were; and(3) he wasfailing to accept the reality that a woman does nothave to be “all good” in order to have the right tolive free of abuse. I kept an additional thought tomyself, which was that based on my conversation

with her I was confident that Gail’s life was not“going nowhere” and that her primary goal at thatpoint was to heal from what he had done to her.When he made disparaging references to “herissues,” he was ignoring the reality that her issueswere 90 percent him. I remained silent on thispoint because I was concerned, given the state ofmind he was in, that the better he understood herhealing process, the more effectively he wouldtake steps to sabotage it.Van was not open to his group’s feedback theway he had been in earlier months. His heels weredug in, as we could see in the digusted shaking ofhis head and the dismissive curl of his lip. Thegroup had stumbled upon a core aspect of Van’sentitlement—as tends to happen with each clientsooner or later—and we weren’t going to take itapart in a few short weeks. We hoped that wecould reach him eventually though, for Van stillhad six months to go of the eleven the court hadordered him to spend in our program.

He never gave us the chance, unfortunately.Less than three weeks later, overwhelmed by hisoutraged entitlement, he approached Gail in arestaurant in front of numerous witnesses, calledher a “fucking bitch,” and walked off flashing herthe finger. His verbal assault violated a restrainingorder barring him from approaching her, and sincehe was already on probation for his grave attackon her, he was jailed for a minimum of sixmonths. Gail had little desire to see Van behindbars, but in this case his incarceration was ablessing, as it gave her an uninterruptedopportunity to move on with her life, which shedid. (Later in this chapter we will look atstrategies for getting away from a frighteningrelationship safely.)WHAT AN ABUSER DOES IF YOU ARELEAVING HIMBreaking up with an abuser can be very hard to

do. In fact, leaving a nonabusive partner isgenerally easier, contrary to what many peoplebelieve. Few abusers readily allow themselves tobe left. When they feel a partner starting to getstronger, beginning to think for herself more,slipping out from under domination, abusers moveto their endgame. Some of their more commonmaneuvers include:ABUSERS’ RESPONSES TO APOSSIBLE BREAKUPPromising to changeEntering therapy or an abuser programNot drinking, attending AAMaking apologiesTelling you that you will be lost withouthimTelling you that no one else will want tobe with you

Threatening suicideSaying that you are abandoning him,making you feel guiltyThreatening to kidnap or take custody ofthe childrenThreatening to leave you homeless orwithno financial resourcesTurning very niceGetting other people to pressure you intogiving him another chanceTaking care of things that you have beencomplainingabout for a long time (e.g., finally fixinga hazardous

situation in the house, getting a job,agreeing that youcan go out with your friends)Behaving in self-destructive ways sothat you will worryor feel sorry for him (e.g., not eating,drinking heavily,skipping work, never talking to hisfriends)Spreading rumors about you, trying toruinyour friendships or reputationStarting a new relationship/affair tomake youjealous or angry

Insisting that he already has changedSpreading confidential informationabout you to humiliate youThreatening or assaulting anyone youtry to start a newrelationship with, or anyone who ishelping youGetting you pregnantStalking youPhysically or sexually assaulting youTrashing your house or carThreatening to harm you or kill youEach abuser uses a different mix of the abovetactics, and some let go somewhat more easilythan others. Strategies of control that appear

contradictory may go hand in hand. For example,he may insist adamantly one day, “You should beable to tell that I’ve changed,” and then call thenext night to say, “If you don’t give thisrelationship another chance, you’re going to findout what I’m really capable of.” One day on thephone he may tell you that his love for you willnever die, but when his poetic language doesn’tsucceed in persuading you to meet him for a drink,he will abruptly switch to yelling: “I don’t give ashit about you anyhow, so just let your lifecontinue down the stinking hole it’s in!” Hedoesn’t care that these pieces don’t fit together,because he is intently focused on a single desire:to get you back under his control.He knows he used to be able to control you withcharm, affection, and promises. He alsoremembers how well intimidation or aggressionworked at other times. Now both of these tools arelosing their effectiveness, so he tries to increasethe voltages. He may switch erratically back and

forth between the two like a doctor who cycles apatient through a range of antibiotics, trying tofind the one that will get the infection undercontrol. And the analogy is an apt one, because anabuser sees his (ex-) partner’s growing strengthand independence as a sickness rather than as theharbinger of health that it actually is.Promises that an abuser makes during thisperiod can be persuasive, especially if they arecombined with sincere-sounding apologies or if hetakes some concrete initiative such as quittingdrinking, locating a therapist, or joining an abuserprogram. However, once he succeeds in gettingyou to reunite with him, he gradually plows hisway back into the usual ruts, dropping counselingbecause he “can’t afford it,” saying he will goback to “a little” drinking because he can “handleit,” and so forth. Before long, daily life hasreturned to its former contours.My clients make flip-flopping statementsduring breakups about who is responsible for the

dissolution of the relationship, bouncing betweenblaming everything on themselves and casting allfault on to the woman. Making it her fault iscloser to their real thinking; the blaming ofthemselves is largely a way to win sympathy fromother people, including abuse counselors, who canget drawn in by a theatrical show of pained guilt.And in an ironic twist, the more he says that theseparation is his own fault, the more friends andrelatives are tempted to pressure the woman tobelieve that he will change.When one of my clients takes this mea culpastance, I ask him to describe in detail how exactlyhis behavior drove his partner away. Eight timesout of ten the man can give me only two or threeexamples, or none. In other words, he doesn’treally believe that he is abusive, and my requestfor extensive specifics smokes him out. If he doesmanage to list a few things he did wrong, theyoften are far afield from the core of hisdestructiveness, as in comments like “I should

have made her a higher priority; we didn’t dothings together enough,” or they are actuallybackhanded remarks to get more digs in againsther, such as, “I used to walk away from herbecause of the insane rages she goes into, but Ishould have realized that my leaving just made herfeel even worse.”The volatile, abusive, and sometimes dangerousreactions that abusers can have when relationshipsdraw to a close have often been considered,especially by psychologists, to be evidence of theman’s “fear of abandonment.” But women havefears of abandonment that are just as great asmen’s, yet they rarely stalk or kill their partnersafter a breakup. Not only that, but many abusersare vicious to their ex-partners even when they donot desire a reunion or when they initiated thebreakup themselves. The clue to how an abuserhandles separation lies in the same thinking thathas been causing his controlling and abusivebehavior throughout the relationship and that has

driven his partner away from him.HOW ABUSERS VIEW SEPARATIONVan’s internal process, and the destructivebehavior it led him to, captures the essence of howan abusive man perceives the ending of arelationship. Let’s look at the central elements ofhis outlook:“ABUSE IS NO REASON TO END ARELATIONSHIP.”Van was unwilling to accept that his brutalmistreatment of Gail was adequate reason for herto leave him. Why? First, he believed that the painGail sometimes caused him during theirrelationship outweighed his abuse of her. If Vancan convince himself that he has an even balancesheet, despite his severe physical assault, imaginehow easily a purely psychological abuser can doso (even though the reality is that emotional abuse

can do just as much damage).Second, Van believed that it was unreasonableto expect a man to be nonabusive unless hispartner never hurt his feelings or failed to cater tohim. He felt that we were being unfair andunrealistic about a man’s inherent nature, as if wewere asking a tiger to be vegetarian. Withoutsaying so directly, he revealed his attitude that awoman needs to accept the fact that a certainamount of abuse just comes with the territory ofbeing involved with a man, unless she can beperfect.“WHEN I PROMISE TO BE KINDER INTHE FUTURE, THAT SHOULD BEENOUGH.”No matter how many times in the past Van hadbroken his promises to change, he still believedthat this time Gail should see that he really meantit and should give him another chance. There was

no limit in his mind to how many “other chances”he should get; he felt entitled to an endless series.To make matters worse, Van felt that Gail wassupposed to accept his rose-colored vision of thefuture even though he was simultaneously blaringloud warning signals that he hadn’t changed. Myclients demand forgiveness while continuing toinsult, threaten, demand immediate responses,attend only to their own needs, and more.According to his mind-set, she should believe thathis abuse has stopped when he says it hasstopped, regardless of what she sees in front of herown eyes.“THERE IS NO LIMIT TO HOW MUCHSHE SHOULD BE WILLING TO ‘WORKON’ OUR RELATIONSHIP.”The abuser feels entitled to end a relationshipany time he feels like it, but he assigns no suchprivilege to his partner. Around breakup time, my

clients grouse bitterly to me along the lines of:“Nowadays, people just throw relationships inthe trash as soon as it gets difficult. There’s nocommitment anymore to sticking it out andmaking it work.”“I guess our marriage vows didn’t meananything to her.”“She says she cares so much about ourchildren, but it’s no big deal to her if they havea broken home.”“She’s prepared to just throw away everythingwe had because she’s found some other guy.”No woman in any of my cases has ever left aman the first time he behaved abusively (not thatdoing so would be wrong). By the time she movesto end her relationship, she has usually lived withyears of verbal abuse and control and has

equested uncountable numbers of times that herpartner stop cutting her down or frightening her.In most cases she has also requested that he stopdrinking, or go to counseling, or talk to aclergyperson, or take some other step to get help.She has usually left him a few times, or at leaststarted to leave, and then gotten back togetherwith him. Don’t any of these actions on her partcount as demonstrating her commitment? Has sheever done enough, and gained the right to protectherself? In the abuser’s mind, the answer is no.Once again, the abuser’s double standards rulethe day. He doesn’t consider his chronic verbalabuse, or even violence, to constitute a failure to“love and cherish,” but her decision to move awayfor safety does. His affairs automatically deserveforgiveness, whereas any affairs she may have heconsiders proof of her low moral character andlack of caring. And his exposure of the children tohis degrading and bullying of their mother doesn’tkeep him from awarding himself the title of

Children’s Protector, the one who wants to givethem a “stable family life” while their “selfish”mother tries to split them apart.“SHE IS STILL RESPONSIBLE FOR MYFEELINGS AND WELL-BEING.”In the abusive man’s self-serving value system,the woman may be responsible for his needs andfeelings even after she declares that she isn’t hispartner anymore. So if he loses his job, or his newfling doesn’t work out, or his mother gets ill, hestill feels entitled to have her take care of himemotionally. In particular, he tends to make herendlessly responsible for his hurt feelings fromtheir relationship or from their breakup.“THE RELATIONSHIP IS OVER WHEN ISAY IT’S OVER.”I repeatedly run into the following scenario: Anew client in the abuse program is describing his

most serious incident of abuse, as all participantsare required to do, and he excuses his actions bysaying, “It happened because I found out she wascheating on me.” When I contact the woman,however, I find out that, although he may be rightabout her seeing another man, she and my clientwere broken up at the time. In other words, in theabuser’s mind any relationship that she has is “anaffair” if it happens during a period when he stillwishes they were back together, because he feelsentitled to determine when she can be free to seeother people.“SHE BELONGS TO ME.”The abuser’s dehumanizing view of his partneras a personal possession can grow even uglier as arelationship draws to a close. I sometimes find itextraordinarily difficult to get a client to rememberat this point that his partner is a human being withrights and feelings rather than an offending object

to destroy. At worst, his efforts to reestablish hisownership may include following her andmonitoring her movements, scaring people whotry to assist her, threatening men she is interestedin dating, kidnapping the children, and physicallyattacking her or people close to her. For abusedwomen separation is a time of particularly highrisk of homicide or attempted homicide, which cansometimes involve murderous assaults on her newboyfriend, her children, or on other people shecares about.Numerous studies have found that mistreatmentof women by abusers tends to continue for asubstantial period after separation and commonlyescalates to levels worse than those when thecouple was together. Particularly common inpostseparation is rape or other forms of sexualassault, which conveys a powerful message ofownership: “You continue to be mine, and I retainmy rights to your body until I decide otherwise.”If you are concerned that your partner may be

capable of extreme violence—even if he has notbeen violent in the past—take careful safetyprecautions (see “Leaving an Abuser Safely,”page 225).TRAUMATIC BONDINGOne of the great tragedies of all forms of abuse isthat the abused person can become emotionallydependent on the perpetrator through a processcalled traumatic bonding. The assaults that anabuser makes on the woman’s self-opinion, hisundermining of her progress in life, the wedges hedrives between her and other people, thepsychological effects left on her when he turnsscary—all can combine to cause her to need himmore and more. This is a bitter psychologicalirony. Child abuse works in the same way; in fact,children can become more strongly attached toabusive parents than to nonabusive ones.Survivors of hostage-taking situations or of torture

can exhibit similar effects, attempting to protecttheir tormentors from legal consequences,insisting that the hostage takers actually had theirbest interests at heart or even describing them askind and caring individuals—a phenomenonknown as the Stockholm syndrome. I saw thesedynamics illustrated by a young boy who got ashock from touching an electric fence and was sofrightened by it that he grabbed on to the fence forsecurity—and wouldn’t let go as each successiveshock increased his panic, until his sister was ableto reach him and pull him off.Almost no abuser is mean or frightening all thetime. At least occasionally he is loving, gentle,and humorous and perhaps even capable ofcompassion and empathy. This intermittent, andusually unpredictable, kindness is critical toforming traumatic attachments. When a person,male or female, has suffered harsh, painfultreatment over an extended period of time, he orshe naturally feels a flood of love and gratitude

toward anyone who brings relief, like the surge ofaffection one might feel for the hand that offers aglass of water on a scorching day. But insituations of abuse, the rescuer and the tormentorare the very same person. When a man stopsscreaming at his partner and calling her a “uselesspiece of shit,” and instead offers to take her on avacation, the typical emotional response is to feelgrateful to him. When he keeps her awakebadgering her for sex in the middle of the nightand then finally quiets down and allows her to getsome of the sleep that she so desperately craves,she feels a soothing peace from the relief of beingleft alone.Your abusive partner’s cycles of moving in andout of periods of cruelty can cause you to feel veryclose to him during those times when he is finallykind and loving. You can end up feeling that thenightmare of his abusiveness is an experience thetwo of you have shared and are escaping fromtogether, a dangerous illusion that trauma can

cause. I commonly hear an abused woman sayabout her partner, “He really knows me,” or “Noone understands me the way he does.” This maybe true, but the reason he seems to understand youwell is that he has studied ways to manipulateyour emotions and control your reactions. At timeshe may seem to grasp how badly he has hurt you,which can make you feel close to him, but it’sanother illusion; if he could really be empathicabout the pain he has caused, he would stopabusing you for good.Society has tended to label a woman“masochistic” or “joining with him in hissickness” for feeling grateful or attached to anabusive man. But, in fact, studies have shown thatthere is little gender difference in the traumaticbonding process and that males become asattached to their captors as women do.The trauma of chronic abuse can also make awoman develop fears of being alone at night,anxiety about her competence to manage her life

on her own, and feelings of isolation from otherpeople, especially if the abuser has driven herapart from her friends or family. All of theseeffects of abuse can make it much more difficult toseparate from an abusive partner than from anonabusive one. The pull to reunify can thereforebe great. Researchers have found that most abusedwomen leave the abuser multiple times beforefinally being able to stay away for good. Thisprolonged process is largely due to the abuser’songoing coercion and manipulation but also iscaused by the trauma bonds he has engendered inhis partner.One exercise that can help you address this trapinvolves making a list of all the ways, includingemotional ones, in which you feel dependent onyour partner, then making another list of big orsmall steps you might take to begin to becomemore independent. These lists can guide you infocusing your energy in the directions you need togo.

WHY HE DOESN’T ACCEPT YOURREQUEST TO “TAKE A BREATHER”Have you ever attempted to take a brief period ofseparation from your partner? Perhaps you hadbeen considering getting out of your relationshipbut were afraid of your partner’s reaction, so youasked for “a little time apart” instead of breakingup outright. Or maybe you weren’t sure what youwanted to do and just craved some time away toconsider where to go from here without having todeal daily with his bullying, criticism, andwatching over you. You may have attempted toreassure him that the relationship wasn’t ending,that you still wanted to “work on getting backtogether,” but that you just needed a break. Youprobably requested that the two of you stay inseparate places for a period of a few weeks ormonths and that you see each other little or not atall. You may have made other specific requests,such as not to speak at all, even by telephone, so

that you could get a complete break. You mayhave asked for an agreement that you could eachsee other people during this period, or specificallyrequested the opposite. The great majority of theabused women I work with try at some point toget time out of the pressure cooker.My clients, however, rarely honor theirpartners’ requests. At the beginning the manpresents himself as supporting the plan, saying, “Iagree with her that we need some time apart tojust let everything cool off, and then talk it overwith level heads.” But he doesn’t think so forlong. He soon starts cutting around the edges ofthe agreement. If she asked that he not call for awhile, he sends a card. Then he calls on somepretext, perhaps a bill that has to be paid or aninvitation for her from his sister, and throws inoffhandedly, “So, how are you?” to try to get aconversation started. He may keep showing up “bycoincidence” at places where she happens to be.He keeps chipping away at her resolve as much as

he can, until she cracks and sees him. Once theyare face-to-face, he pours on the sweetness andcharm, reminiscent of his romantic persona in theearly, glory days of the relationship, and sees if hecan cajole or manipulate her into bed; he maysense that once they’ve had sex, she’ll be hookedin again, a strategy that I have often seen myclients succeed with. One way or another, thewoman never seems to end up getting thedecompression time that she knew wasindispensable to her well-being.Why doesn’t he allow the break to happen? Ona conscious level he may simply miss her, butdown deep he has other interests. He experiencesthe separation as a declaration by his partner thatshe is capable of surviving without him, that sheis the best judge of what is good for her, that herneeds shouldn’t always take a backseat to his, thather will has force. These messages represent apowerful summary of everything that he does notwant in his relationship, and he feels driven to

move quickly to prove them false.The abuser is afraid of what his partner maydiscover if she succeeds in getting a respite fromhis control. She may see how good it feels to livewithout put-downs and pressure. She may noticethat there are other people in the world, bothwomen and men, who respect her and treat herwell, and may even observe that some of herfemale friends are treated as equals by theirpartners. She may start to think her own thoughts,without him there to monitor her reflections andchannel them toward the views he wants her tohave. Above all, she might discover how muchbetter off she is without him. In short, he doesn’ttolerate the break because on some level he sensesthat it is too healthy and healing for the woman.He wants her to hear his voice and see his face,because he believes he can destroy her resolve.Does he think carefully through these concerns?Probably not entirely. He reacts largely onautomatic, based on ruts in his thinking and

ehavior that have been deepening for years. Andyet, I also keep observing how much more awaremy clients are of their own strategies than youmight expect; when they are upset with me, asthey so often are, they often forget to keep theirmasks on, and they blurt out their honest thoughtsand plans.THE ABUSER WHO WANTS THERELATIONSHIP TO ENDWhat if your partner is the one who breaks off therelationship, or what if he’s in completeagreement that you two don’t belong together?The good news is that, if you don’t have childrenwith him, he may stay largely out of your hair.Perhaps he is interested in another woman or justwants to return to pursuing his fantasy of thedream girl who does everything for him and neverchallenges him. Or maybe something elsealtogether is occupying his mind.

I regret to say that even then peace is not anentirely sure thing (although I have not often heardof physical assaults by an abuser postseparation ifhe accepts the breakup, except in cases of ongoingconflicts over the children). Even the abusive manwho is ready to be single again may still craveretaliation for all the ways he feels you hurt him,which in his distorted perceptual system mayinclude all the times you defended yourself,questioned the superiority of his knowledge andjudgment, or refused to simply be a carbon copy ofhim. So he may spread distorted stories about thehistory of your relationship or tell outright lies totry to turn people against you. Since he has to seehimself as the more powerful one, he may declarethat he broke things off while you “begged” himfor another chance and that you “promised tochange.” These kinds of aftershocks of abusivebehavior can be painful.An abuser who accepts the end of therelationship, or even desires it, may nonetheless

continue to try to settle old scores with youthrough the children, a matter we explore furtherin Chapter 10.There are cases, of course, where the womangenuinely wants to continue the relationship andthe abuser does not. My clients sometimes leave awoman to punish her. Women in this position canexperience the abuser’s departure as one final slapin the face following a long line of previous ones—figuratively or literally—that leaves her feelingeven more humiliated and unlovable. Therefore itdoes not help an abused woman when people sayto her: “What are you upset about? You’re luckyto be rid of him.” Anyone who wants to supportan abused woman’s recovery and empowermentneeds to have room for both her sadness and heroutrage about being left and to understand that hisexit was just one more way she was walked on.Abusers who take off often leave other damagein their wake besides the emotional or physicalinjuries to the woman. Debts, destroyed

elongings, pregnancy, or traumatized childrenmay be dumped in her lap. Communities thatwant to support abused women need to recognizethat the abuser can create difficulties that endurelong beyond his departure.LEAVING AN ABUSER SAFELYAttempting to determine the level of risk that aparticular abuser will become physically violent isa complex and imprecise process. If you areconcerned that your partner may reactdestructively or violently to being left, listencarefully to your intuitions even if he has not beenviolent, or not extremely so, in the past. A recentstudy found that women’s own predictionsregarding future violence by their abusive partnerswere far more accurate than assessments based onany other factor.Separation can be an especially risky time. Iwas close to a case recently in which a woman left

a psychological abuser who became increasinglythreatening and scary over the months after sheleft him, to the point where she went as far asmaking arrangements with relatives regardingwho should care for her two children in the eventof her death. And although he had never hit herduring their relationship, he tragically did in factkill her, hiding a block away from the courthouseto ambush her as she was leaving a hearing whereshe had obtained a restraining order against him,after which he committed suicide. (As a result of abrief speech I gave about this homicide death, Ihave come to know her heartbroken parentspersonally.)ASSESSING THE POTENTIAL VIOLENCEOF AN ABUSERThe danger signs below can be useful whether ornot you are currently thinking of leaving yourpartner. Some combination of these elements hasbeen found to be present frequently—though notalways—in cases where abusers have committed

the most seriously violent acts. Pay attention toyour own inner voice as you consider theseindicators:DANGER SIGNS IN ABUSIVEMENHe is extremely jealous andpossessive.His violent behavior and threatshave been escalating.He follows you, monitors yourwhereabouts, or stalks you inother ways.You are taking steps to end therelationship or have alreadydone so.He was violent toward youduring one or more of yourpregnancies.

He has been sexually violenttoward you.He has threatened to kill you orhurt you badly, has choked you,or has threatened you with aweapon.He has access to weapons and isfamiliar with their use.He seems obsessed with you.He is depressed, suicidal, orshows signs of not caring whathappens to him.He isn’t close to anyone.He has a significant criminalhistory.He uses or threatens violenceagainst other people.He abuses substances heavily.He has been abusive to children.

His past violence toward you, ortoward other partners, has beenfrequent or severe.He has killed or abused pets, orhas used other terror tactics.He uses pornography.He exhibited extreme behaviorswhen you made previousattempts to leave.He is familiar with yourroutines, the addresses of yourfriends and relatives, thelocation of your workplace, orother personal information hecan use to locate you.There is, regrettably, no science to using theseindicators. It would be misleading for me to say,for example, “Three to five ‘yes’ answers reflectmoderate danger, six and up mean ‘severe

danger,’” or offer a similar interpretation, becausethe reality is not that simple. Some guides toassessing the risk of violence from abusers havecreated such “low-, moderate-, and high-risk”categories and by so doing can encourage womento underestimate the danger they are in by causingthem to ignore their intuition. A small number ofabusers who kill or severely injure their partnersdo so with few or none of the above elementsknown to be present, which is all the more reasonto rely ultimately on your own “gut” feelings ofhow dangerous he is.SAFETY PLANNINGThe fact that you are even wondering how far yourpartner’s abuse might go suggests to me that youhave already seen aspects of him that aredisquietingly mysterious or frightening. I urge youto seek assistance from a program for abusedwomen (see “Resources”) and to create a strategicsafety plan with an abuse specialist through thatprogram. Safety plans can involve two different

sets of steps, one for increasing your safety whileliving with your partner and another for if andwhen you decide to leave him. Bear in mind thatthe process of leaving an abusive man can berisky, so if you are preparing for a breakup putsome extra thought into the kinds of precautionsthat you can take. Specialists who work withabused women report that those women whosucceed in leaving and staying away almostalways have a plan before they go.A safety plan while you are living with yourabusive partner can include the followingelements, among many others:Plan different escape routes from yourhouse in case your partner becomesviolent, and plan where you would go ifyou needed to stay away overnight.Hide spare car keys and importantdocuments (birth certificates, healthcards, bank cards) in places where they

are safe and where you could grab themand leave quickly.Try to get out of dangerous places duringarguments, such as leaving the kitchenwhere there are knives and other sharpobjects the abuser could use to assaultyou.Obtain a private post office box or someother address you can use to receiveconfidential mail.Set code words with friends or relativesand with your children that indicate anemergency, and plan how they are torespond if you say the code word inperson or over the telephone.Open a secret bank account so that youwill have access to funds should youneed to flee.Keep a working phone in a room with adoor that locks so that you will be able to

call for help in an emergency.Carry a cell phone.Obtain a firearm permit so that you cancarry pepper spray.Stay away from drugs or alcohol yourselfto make sure that your judgment is neverimpaired, and seek substance-abusetreatment for yourself if necessary.Call the abused women’s hotline if youare afraid, and call the police if thedanger is immediate.After you leave your abusive partner, there areadditional items you can add to your safety plan, afew of which include:Change the locks on your home.Inform neighbors of the danger and givethem descriptions or photographs of theabuser and his car.

Inform people at your workplace of thepotential danger to you.Tell your children not to talk to theabuser and to seek assistanceimmediately if they see him.Advise the local police department of therisk to you, including any past threats orviolence by your ex-partner, and askwhat special services or protectionsmight be available.Inform the children’s schoolteachers andadministrators of the risk, and providethem with a photograph of the abuser andother information, including a copy ofyour restraining order if you have one.Teach your children how to dial 911 fromhome and cell phones.Vary the routes that you and yourchildren travel.If you plan to involve the court, such as

y seeking a restraining order, contact acourt advocate if one is available, anddevelop an additional safety plan withthe advocate that specifically addresseshow you can most safely use the courtprocess. If you do obtain a restrainingorder, keep a copy on your person at alltimes and leave additional copies in yourhome, vehicles, and workplace.These are selected examples of plans you canmake, ideally with the assistance of an abusespecialist, to increase your safety and protect yourchildren. You can call an abuse hotline anddevelop a safety plan without even providing yourname or telephone number, ensuring yourcomplete privacy. If you can go to the abusedwomen’s program and meet with an advocateface-to-face, all the better. I also stronglyrecommend the books When Love Goes Wrongand It’s My Life Now, both listed in the

“Resources” section, for any woman who isstruggling to get safe from a frightening partner.If you are afraid of your abusive partner it isimportant to make a safety plan even if you do notplan to leave him at this point. If he hasdemonstrated that he has a capacity for violence,or you suspect that he does, there is every reasonto start planning now for how you will keepyourself and your children safe should a dangeroussituation arise in the future.Some psychologically abused women feelconfident that their partners would never escalateto violence or threats. However, my experience isthat most abusive men—though not all—dobecome physically frightening sooner or later,even if they never follow through with usingviolence. It makes sense for every abused womanto spend some time considering how she willrespond if the unexpected happens.If you are prepared to leave your relationship,safety planning becomes even more important. If

you are afraid of your partner, don’t tell him thatyou are breaking up with him until you have aclear plan and feel that you can inform him in asafe way. Then break all contact with him. Stayingout of touch with an abusive ex-partner can bevery difficult. The more afraid you are of him, themore tempted you may feel to check up on how heis doing, because in the past your safety may havedepended on your constant awareness of hismoods and readiness to respond to them. Butmaking contact with him can be very dangerous ashe may sound friendly and say that he just wantsto see you for one final talk or to say good-bye,and then use that opportunity to attack youphysically or sexually. I have been aware of a fewcases where the man made an innocent-soundingexcuse to get together “just once” and thenmurdered the woman for having left him. It isnatural to have the hope of staying friends with anex-partner, but this is rarely possible with anabusive man and is absolutely impossible with

one who is physically dangerous to you. And if hedoesn’t choose to hurt you, he may lure you intobecoming reinvolved with him instead.ABUSED WOMEN WITH CHILDRENEnding a relationship with an abusive man can beconsiderably more complicated for a woman withchildren, especially if the abuser is the children’slegal father (biological or adoptive). The risk thatthe abuser will try to harm the children, turn themagainst you, or attempt to win custody of themthrough the legal system requires an additionalstrategic planning process. These issues areexamined in detail in the next chapter.If you do decide to flee abruptly, take yourchildren with you if you possibly can and taketheir birth certificates, social security cards, andpassports. Some women are in so much dangerthat they are forced to leave their children behind,but the abuser then may go to court for custody,

saying that she “abandoned” them.KEY POINTS TO REMEMBERWhen a breakup happens against anabuser’s will, he may define his expartner’sdecision as a provocativedeclaration of independence and may goto war to prove that she belongs to him.Leaving an abuser is hard to do, but withtime and planning you can succeed.As a relationship dissolves, and for along while thereafter, an abused womanshould be especially alert to her ownsafety and take steps to protect herself.After breaking up with an abusive man,wait at least a few months beforebecoming involved with a new partner.Taking time to heal emotionally from theabuse you have endured can be critical tohelping you choose a nonabusive partner

next time.Read It’s My Life Now (see“Resources”).Your life belongs to no one but you.

PART IIIThe Abusive Man in the World

10Abusive Men as ParentsHe’s terrible to me, but he’s a reallygood father.He took no interest in the children untilI left him, and then right away he filedfor custody.My children are freaked out and don’twant to go on visitation with him, butthe court won’t listen to me.I couldn’t manage without him, becausethe children don’t listen to me.IT’S SATURDAY AFTERNOON, andexcitement is high in the Turner family. Randy,

who is eleven, and his big sister, Alex, thirteen,are getting ready to go with their parents to a bigbirthday bash for their twin cousins. Their mother,Helen, is helping them get their presents wrappedand choose what to wear, and periodicallyintervening to sort out quarrels between the two ofthem, which seem to erupt every few minutes.Tom, the father, is in the garage trying to fixRandy’s dirt bike and is covered with grease.Helen’s anxiety is mounting as the hour gets later,because Tom is doing nothing about getting readyto leave and keeps saying, “Get off my fuckingback, I already told you I’d be ready on time. Ican’t drop this in the middle.” Tensions betweenRandy and Alex are also escalating, and Randyfinally jumps on Alex and starts punching her.Helen hears Alex screaming, goes running in topull Randy off her, and in the process getspunched twice by Alex herself. Randy yells at her,“You always side with Alex, you bitch,” and goesinto his room and slams the door. Alex is crying

hard and says to her mother, “You have to dosomething about him; I can’t take it anymore. Iswear, if he hits me one more time I’m going tokill him. He’s out of control!”Helen stays with Alex for a few minutes, thenstarts to put things into the car. The time to leavehas passed. Tom finally comes in from the garageand starts to scrub his hands in a leisurely fashion.He then starts to look at the newspaper, and Helensnaps at him, “What are you doing? We need togo.” Tom cuts her with a glare that makes herheart stop and says, “I was just seeing what timethe game is on tonight. But since you mention it,maybe I should check out what else might beinteresting.” Then, with a cold sneer on his face,he takes the newspaper to the couch, puts up hisfeet, and begins to peruse the pages in earnest.Helen storms furiously upstairs. Ten minutes laterTom is still sitting on the couch. Helen calls tohim, “We’re already going to be nearly a half hourlate; the children are afraid of missing the games.”

Tom’s lips form an icy smile, and he answers,“I guess you should have thought of that beforedeciding to give me a ration of your shit.”Helen yells, “Oh, you asshole!”At this point Randy emerges from his room andstarts down the stairs. “I see you’re hysterical, asusual,” he tosses flippantly at his mother as hegoes. When he gets downstairs, he sees that hisfather is nowhere near ready to go, and he looks atthe clock. He considers saying something butthinks better of it; he recognizes the signs of hisfather’s anger, even when they are not outwardlyobvious, and he doesn’t want to make himself thetarget. So he goes back upstairs, tells Alex what ishappening, and they both go looking for Helen,who is sitting crying on her bed.Alex says urgently, “Come on, Mom, let’s justgo without Dad. The party’s already started, we’remissing it.” Helen shakes her head no. Alexpleads, “Why not? Why can’t we just go?”Helen responds simply, “We’re not going

without him,” not wanting to explain to thechildren how their father would make her pay ifthey did.Randy then says, “Please go and apologize tohim, Mom. You know that’s all he’s looking for,and then he’ll get up and we can go.”Helen’s tears stop, and her voice gets a hardedge. “I didn’t do anything to him, Randy. Whydon’t you go ask him to apologize to me? Whatdid I do?”Randy’s voice turns condescending, as if hismother is being stupid. “Right, Mom. When hasDad ever apologized for anything? Don’t beridiculous. I guess we can forget going to the party—that’s basically what you’re saying.”Then their father calls from downstairs, “Comeon, let’s get going.” He has quietly put away hispaper and cleaned himself up. Randy and Alexbrighten and run off to grab their things. Helencan barely lift herself to her feet, feelingpsychologically assaulted from all sides. She looks

ashen for an hour or more afterward.When they are almost out the door, Tom seesfor the first time Alex’s outfit, which he considerstoo sexy, and he barks at her, “You go right backupstairs, young lady, and put on somethingdecent. You aren’t going to the party looking likea prostitute.”Alex is on the verge of tears again, because shehad been excited about what she was going towear. “But Mom and I picked my clothes outtogether,” she protests, a helpless whine in hervoice. “She said I looked fine.”Tom glares at Helen, and his voice lays downthe law: “If you aren’t changed in two minutes,we’re leaving and you’re staying here!” Alex runscrying upstairs to throw on a different outfit.In the car on the way to the party, Tom snapsout of his grumpiness, joking with the children.His humor includes cutting references to Helen’semotional outbursts and overanxiety, which arecleverly funny in their viciousness. The children

can’t help laughing, although Alex feels resentfultoward both parents and guilty toward her mothereven as she giggles. Helen is silent.At the party, Tom acts as if nothing is wrong.Helen makes an excuse about being sick, since itis obvious to people that she is not herself. Tom isentertaining to both the adults and the children atthe party, to the extent of giving each child a twirlaround in the yard. Helen can see the impressionthat Tom makes on people and feels that it wouldbe futile to attempt to describe to anyone whattranspired before the party.There are a few unfamiliar people at the party,to whom Tom introduces Alex as his “girlfriend,”which he considers a charming joke. At one pointhe comments to some relatives on Alex’sappearance, saying, “She’s developing into quitean attractive young lady, isn’t she?” Alex isnearby and feels humiliated. Tom sees herdiscomfort and says, “What, can’t you take acompliment?” and there is laughter all around. He

then gives her a hug, kisses her on the head, andtells his amused audience, “She’s a great kid.”Alex forces a smile.When they get home from the party and thechildren are upstairs, Helen mentions to Tom thatRandy hit Alex again that afternoon and that thistime he hurt her. Tom responds, “Helen, welcometo the world. Siblings fight, okay? Or maybe youhaven’t heard, maybe that hasn’t been on Oprahyet. Alex is two years older than Randy, and she’sbigger. She loves to really play up being hurt,because she knows Mommy will come runningand feel sorry for her, and it will be Big BadRandy who’s to blame, while Alex is allinnocence. You’re so naive.”Helen smarts from the series of barbs but forcesherself to answer calmly, “I think we should talkto the school psychologist about it and get somesuggestions.”Tom rises rapidly to his feet, instantlytransformed as if he had just caught fire. He takes

two steps toward Helen, pointing his finger andyelling, causing her heart to race. “You get thosepeople in our business and you’ll be sorry! Youhave no fucking idea what you are doing. Youshould use some damned judgment, you stupididiot!” He stomps out to the garage, turns on thelight, and goes back to work on Randy’s bike,listening to the game on the radio. He does notcome back in until after Helen has fallen asleep.LIFE WITH AN ABUSER in the home can be asstressful and confusing for the children as it is fortheir mother. They watch the arguments; they feelthe tension. When they hear screaming and namecalling,they worry about their parents’ feelings.They have visions of the family splitting up; if theabuser is their father or a father figure, theprospect of separation is a dreaded one. If theabuser is physically scary, sometimes punchingwalls, knocking over chairs, or striking theirmother, then a sharper kind of fear grips thechildren and may preoccupy them even during the

calm periods in the home. Following incidents ofabuse they may be wracked with guilt, feeling thatthey either caused their mother to be abused orshould have found some way to have prevented it.Witnessing incidents of abuse is just thebeginning of what the children endure, however.Abuse sends out shock waves that touch everyaspect of family functioning. Hostility creeps intomothers’ relationships with their children, andsiblings find themselves pitted against one other.Factions form and shift. Children’s feelings abouteach parent can swing to extremes, from times ofhating the abuser to periods of idealizing him andblaming the mother for the fighting. Mothersstruggle to keep their relationships with theirchildren strong in the face of the wedges driven inby the abuser, and siblings find ways to supportone another and offer protection. These wild crosscurrentsmake family life turbulent.(For simplicity, I refer in this chapter to theabuser as the children’s “father,” but most of the

themes I describe can apply equally to a stepfatheror to a mother’s live-in partner.)WHY ABUSIVENESS SO OFTENEXTENDS TO PARENTING ISSUESQUESTION 14:WHAT ARE ABUSIVE MENLIKE AS FATHERS?Although I have worked with some clients whodraw sharp lines around their mistreatment oftheir partners, so that their children neither see theabusive dynamics nor get pulled into them, mostabusers exhibit aspects of their abusive mentalityin their role as parents. There are various reasonswhy a man’s abusiveness tends to affect hisparenting choices, including the following:1. Each important decision that parents

make has an impact on everyone in thefamily. Consider, for example, thedecision that many parents grapple withconcerning whether a six-year-old isready to start first grade or should wait ayear. Delaying a year may mean anotheryear during which the mother can’twork many hours outside the home,which affects the family finances. Thechild may have to be up and out early tocatch the bus, which affects how muchsleep the parents get. A younger siblingmay suddenly not have the first-graderat home as a playmate anymore and somay be moody and demanding ofattention during the day. How is anabuser likely to respond to this complexpicture? He is likely to continue hisusual tendency to consider his ownjudgment superior to his partner’s andto be selfishly focused on how any

changes will affect him, rather than onwhat works best for the family as awhole. Just because there are childreninvolved, is his entire approach todecision making going to suddenlychange? Not likely.2. At the core of the abusive mind-set isthe man’s view of his partner as apersonal possession. And if he sees heras his fiefdom, how likely is he to alsosee the children as being subject to hisultimate reign? Quite. If he is thechildren’s legal father, he sees them asextensions of himself; otherwise hetends to see them as extensions of her.Either way, his mentality of ownershipis likely to shape his parental actions.3. It is next to impossible for the abuser tokeep his treatment of the mother acomplete secret from the children theway he does with other people, because

they are almost always around. So hechooses instead to hook them into thepatterns and dynamics of the abuse,manipulating their perceptions andtrying to win their loyalty.4. Children are a tempting weapon for anabuser to use against the mother.Nothing inflicts more pain on a caringparent, male or female, than hurting oneof his or her children or causing damageto the parent-child relationship. Manyabusers sense that they can gain morepower by using the children againsttheir partners than by any method otherthan the most overtly terrorizing assaultsor threats. To their destructive mind-set,the children are just too tempting a toolof abuse to pass up.REVISITING THE ABUSIVE MIND-SET:PARENTING IMPLICATIONS

I return now to the Turners, whom we met at theopening of this chapter, to look piece by piece atthe dynamics that are being played out. Thecentral elements of the abusive mind-set act as ourguide:CONTROLFrom observing Tom’s behavior, we learn oneof his unspoken rules:“YOU DO NOT TELL ME TO HURRY UP. IGET TO TAKEAS LONG AS I PLEASE. IF YOUPRESSURE ME,I WILL PUNISH YOU BY TAKING A LOTLONGER.”Tom is not about to abandon his system of rulesand punishments—which are fundamental to anabusive behavior pattern—just because thechildren are bearing the brunt of it. In fact, he issomewhat pleased that the punishment fallslargely on them, because he knows that makes

Helen feel even worse.We also see Tom control Alex directly, rulingdictatorially over her clothing and overrulingHelen’s decision, thereby undermining herparental authority. He also seizes power over aprocess to which he has contributed nothing; if hewanted the right to have a say in what the childrenwore, he should have involved himself in the workof getting the family ready to go. The abuser doesnot believe, however, that his level of authorityover the children should be in any way connectedto his actual level of effort or sacrifice on theirbehalf, or to how much knowledge he actually hasabout who they are or what is going on in theirlives. He considers it his right to make theultimate determination of what is good for themeven if he doesn’t attend to their needs or even ifhe only contributes to those aspects of child carethat he enjoys or that make him look like a greatdad in public.Like Tom, abusers tend to be authoritarian

parents. They may not be involved that much ofthe time, but when they do step in, it’s their wayor the highway. My clients defend authoritarianparenting even though a large collection ofpsychological studies demonstrates that it’sdestructive: Children do best when parents areneither overly strict nor overly permissive,providing firm structure but also allowing fordialogue, respectful conflict, and compromise.The abuser’s coerciveness thus comes into histreatment of the children and his behaviorregarding the children, including his bullying ofdecisions in which the mother should have anequal voice.ENTITLEMENTTom doesn’t accept that a couple’s choice to havechildren requires major lifestyle changes andsacrifices. He’ll work on Randy’s dirt bikebecause he enjoys it, but whatever else needs to bedone for the children is not his problem. Yet at theparty he goes to great lengths to present himself as

Mr. Dad, because he likes the image and status offatherhood.The selfishness and self-centeredness that hisentitlement produces cause role reversal in hisrelationships with his children, in that heconsiders it their responsibility to meet his needs.Tom behaves flirtatiously with his teenagedaughter at the birthday party, introducing her ashis “girlfriend,” commenting obliquely on hersexual development and kissing her in the midstof her embarrassment. The discomfort he causesAlex is obvious, but he can’t be bothered to payattention to that fact. He meets his own needsthrough the fantasy of having an attractive youngpartner while simultaneously taking pride as aparent in her attractiveness.Children of abusers often find their father’sattention and approval hard to come by. Thisscarcity has the effect of increasing his value intheir eyes, as any attention from him feels specialand exciting. Ironically, their mother can come to

seem less important to them because they knowthey can count on her.The abuser’s entitled attitude that he should beabove criticism makes it hard for his partner tointervene with him on her children’s behalf. WhenHelen tries to get Tom to hurry up for thechildren’s sake, he considers her efforts “a rationof shit” and punishes them all by deliberatelytaking even longer. Alex and Randy don’t realizethe price that their mother pays, and that theythemselves pay, when she tries to stand up forthem against him, so they wind up feeling that shedoesn’t care.EXTERNALIZATION OFRESPONSIBILITYTom makes the children late for their party butthen tells Helen it’s her own fault. He also saysthat her overly sympathetic responses to Alex arethe reason why the children’s fights become a bigdeal. It never enters his mind that Randy’sbehavior toward females might be related to what

he himself has modeled. Everything that goeswrong in the family is someone else’s fault,usually Helen’s.Children who are exposed to the abuse of theirmother often have trouble paying attention inschool, get along poorly with their peers, or act outaggressively. In fact, they have been found toexhibit virtually every symptom that appears inchildren who are being abused directly. Theabuser attributes all of these effects to themother’s poor parenting or to inherent weaknessesin the children.When a family affected by partner abuse splitsup, some children discover how much morepleasant life is without their father in the homeand may choose to distance themselves from him.This can be a sign of emotional health andrecovery. The abuser then often claims,predictably, that the mother is turning the childrenagainst him; in his mind, what else could it be?MANIPULATIVENESS

As the Turner family drives off toward the party,Tom abruptly shifts into good humor, joking withthe children and inducing them to bond with himagainst their mother. It is hard to stay angry at himwhen he is being playful. The children areashamed of laughing at their mother—consciouslyfor Alex, less so for Randy—but they are alsodrawn into an alliance with their father.In certain ways children actually have an easiertime living with an abusive parent who is mean allthe time—at least then they know what they aredealing with and who is at fault. But the typicalabuser is constantly changing faces, leaving hischildren confused and ambivalent and increasingthe likelihood that they will identify with him inhopes of staying on his good side.One critical category of manipulation involvesthe various tactics an abusive man may use tokeep children from revealing to outsiders that theirmother is being abused. Your partner may rewardthe children for maintaining secrecy or may make

them feel that they would bring shame on thefamily, including themselves, if anyone were tofind out. In some cases the man uses more overtpressure, including threats to enforce secretkeeping.Children who do disclose the abusegoing on at home sometimes suffer emotional orphysical retaliation by the abuser. (Some childrenare also pressured by their mother not to tell,because she is afraid of what her partner will do toher or to them if word leaks out.) It is important totake steps to relieve any burden of secrecy thatyour children may be carrying, as I discuss at theend of this chapter.SUPERIORITY, DISRESPECTTom openly ridicules Helen for being concernedwith Randy’s assaultiveness toward Alex. Herparenting is thus one of the things about which heabuses her. Children growing up in thisatmosphere can gradually come to look down ontheir mother as a parent, having absorbed theabuser’s messages that she is immature, irrational,

illogical, and incompetent. Even those childrenwho take their mother’s side in most conflicts, asmany daughters and some sons of abused womendo, nonetheless can come to see her as inferior toother people and to themselves. Randy’s behaviorreveals this dynamic when he remarkscondescendingly to his mother: “I see you’rehysterical as usual.” He has learned to see hismother through Tom’s eyes.POSSESSIVENESSTom treats Alex like an object that belongs to him.When he makes her change before the party, wemight think, “He doesn’t want his daughter to getsexualized at such a young age, which is good.”But what we discover at the party is that hedoesn’t object to her sexualization, he just wantsto be in control of it, and he wants it orientedtoward his gratification. His demand that she notshow off her body is not based on the viewpoint ofa responsible parent but rather is more like theattitude of a jealous boyfriend.

Not all abusers perceive their children as ownedobjects, but many do. A man who alreadyconsiders his partner a possession can find it easyto see his children the same way. But children arenot things, and parents who see their children inan objectified way are likely to causepsychological harm because they don’t perceivechildren as having rights.PUBLIC IMAGEIt is confusing for children to see peopleresponding to their abusive father as if he were acharming and entertaining person. What are Alexand Randy to make of how popular Tom is at theparty? They are left to assume that his behavior athome is normal, which in turn means that they,and their mother, must be at fault.THE ABUSIVE MAN AS CHILD ABUSERMultiple studies have demonstrated that men whoabuse their partners are far more likely than other

men to abuse children. The extent of the risk tochildren from a particular abuser largely dependson the nature of his pattern of mistreatment towardtheir mother, although other factors such as hisown childhood also can play an important role.The increased risks include the following.PHYSICAL ABUSEThe abuser who is most likely to hit children is theone who is quite physically assaultive orthreatening toward the mother. A battering partneris seven times more likely than a nonbatteringman to physically abuse children, and the riskincreases with the frequency of his violencetoward the mother. However, there are also someabusers who hit the children but not the mother.The man in this category tends to be: (a) aparticularly harsh and authoritarian parent, (b) acontrolling and dictatorial partner, and, (c) a manwho was physically abused by his own parentswhile he was growing up.

SEXUAL ABUSEIncest perpetrators are similar to partner abusersin both their mentality and their tactics. They tendto be highly entitled, self-centered, andmanipulative men who use children to meet theirown emotional needs. Like Tom, they are oftencontrolling toward their daughters (or sons) andview them as owned objects and tend to useseduction and sweetness to lure their victims in. Infact, Tom exhibits many of the warning signs of asexually abusive father, including his apparentjealousy toward Alex and his penchant for givinga romantic and sexual tone to his interactions withher.As in cases of physical abuse of children,multiple research studies have found that menwho abuse their partners perpetrate incest at amuch higher rate than do nonabusive men. Thesestudies suggest that the incest perpetrator is notnecessarily severely violent to the mother, butsome degree of assault on her is common. The

mentality and tactics of the incest perpetrator arevery similar to those of the partner abuser,including self-centeredness and demands that hisneeds be catered to, manipulation, cultivation of acharming public persona, requiring the victim tokeep the abuse secret, and others. Although thepercentage of outright sexual abuse appears to befairly low, even among abusive men, partners ofmy clients frequently raise concerns about subtlerkinds of boundary violations and other sexuallyinappropriate behaviors along the lines of thoseexhibited by Tom at the party. A man whoperceives his child as an owned object, as Tomdid, is likely to disregard her rights to privacy or tointegrity in her own body.Boys are at some risk of being violated byabusive men as well, although most incestperpetrators choose to offend against a girl if oneis available. Boys appear to be at particular riskwhen they are very young, while the vulnerabilityof girls remains steady and may even increase

during adolescence.PSYCHOLOGICAL ABUSEPartners of my clients frequently share theirdistress with me over the mental cruelty the abuservisits upon the children. Name-calling, belittling,attacking their self-confidence, humiliating themin front of other people, shaming boys with regardto their masculinity, and insulting—orinappropriately complimenting—girls on the basisof their physical development and appearance areall common parenting behaviors among theabusive men in my groups. They tend to hurt theirchildren’s feelings further by failing to show upfor important events, not following through onpromises to take them on outings, or by showingno interest. Watching their children get rejected bytheir fathers in these ways is a source of pain formany of the abused women I speak with.THE ABUSER AS ROLE MODEL

What are Randy and Alex learning from Tom’streatment of Helen and from the messages hegives them about her? Parents’ statements andbehaviors are probably the single greatestinfluence on the development of children’s valuesand on how they perceive other people andthemselves—at least as powerful as their parents’words (which sometimes convey oppositemessages). Children exposed to partner abuselearn the following lessons from the dynamicsthey are caught in the middle of:“THE TARGET OF ABUSE IS AT FAULT,NOT THE ABUSER.”Tom makes it clear to his children that Helenbrings abuse upon herself by being too emotional,by questioning his decisions, or by being overlyangry. Randy (and perhaps Alex as well) is likelyto exhibit problems in how he treats other people,because he has been taught how to blame others,

especially females, for his actions. Alex maybelieve that other people, especially males, havethe right to mistreat her and that it is her own faultif they do.“SATISFACTION IN LIFE COMESTHROUGH CONTROLLING ANDMANIPULATING OTHERS.”Tom’s behavior communicates to his childrenthat having power over other people is a desirablegoal. The possibility that sharing, equality,cooperation, and mutual respect can lead to afulfilling life may be beyond their conceptualreach. When the sons of abusers reachadolescence, for example, they commonly beginmanipulating girls into relationships that aresexually or emotionally exploitative. They maylack empathy for their victims, having beenconditioned by their fathers to shut themselves offto caring about the feelings of females.

“BOYS AND MEN SHOULD BE INCONTROL, AND FEMALES SHOULDSUBMIT TO THAT CONTROL.”Unless they can find strong counter-examplesamong their friends or relatives, Alex and Randyrun the risk of internalizing a rigid, abuse-proneview of what men and women inherently are.Children’s parents are their first and mostimportant source of sex-role definition andidentification.“WOMEN ARE WEAK, INCOMPETENT,AND ILLOGICAL.”Tom is teaching his children—whetherintentionally or not—to perceive women in thesame degrading light that he casts on Helen. Hereinforces these messages by treating Alexdisrespectfully in public. Daughters of abusivemen often have profound self-esteem problems.Why wouldn’t they? Look at what the abuser is

teaching them about how valuable and worthy ofrespect females are. Sons of abusive men in turntend to be disparaging of and superior to girls andwomen, especially when the boys become oldenough to begin dating.“MOMMIES DO THE HARD, CONSTANT,RESPONSIBLE DAILY WORK OFPARENTING, WHILE DADDIES STEP INTO MAKE THE KEY DECISIONS ANDSHARE THE FUN TIMES.”Alex and Randy are led to regard their motheras the brawn of the family operation and theirfather as the brains. They associate Helen withroutine and structure, whereas they connect Tomwith times that are special and exciting. Despitehow grumpy he often is, Dad still comes outseeming like the fun parent; they notice howentertaining he is at the party, for example, whiletheir mother is sullen and withdrawn.

“PEOPLE THAT LOVE YOU GET TOABUSE YOU.”Children who grow up exposed to an abusiveman’s behavior learn that abuse is the price peoplepay if they want to receive love. This training canmake it harder for children to recognize when theyare being mistreated and to stand up forthemselves.As an abuser passes on his thinking to the nextgeneration, he, in effect recruits his sons to theranks of abusive men. He does not literally wanthis son to mistreat women—he doesn’t believe hedoes so himself, after all—but he wants his son tothink as he thinks, including adopting his sameexcuses and justifications, so the outcome is thesame. And to a lesser extent he also recruits hisdaughters to join the ranks of abused women.HOW ABUSERS AFFECT MOTHER-CHILD RELATIONSHIPS

QUESTION 15:WHY IS EVERYONE IN THEFAMILY MAD AT EACHOTHER INSTEAD OF AT HIM?Tom’s behavior drives wedges between themembers of his family that expand over time.Many of the divisions he has sown are alreadybearing their poisonous fruit. How is he affectingHelen’s relationships with her children? And howis he shaping—and distorting—how they viewher?UNDERMINING HER AUTHORITYIt isn’t hard for Alex and Randy to figure outwhere primary parental authority is vested in theirfamily, because they see that Helen’s decisionscan be overruled. Children who detect such animbalance learn to play one parent against theother and try to curry favor with the one who has

the ultimate say. They also learn to defy theauthority of the abused parent. Some abusive menfurther undermine the mother’s authority byspeaking badly about the mother to the children,characterizing her as crazy, alcoholic, or uncaring.Even when a man does not directly undercut themother’s parenting as Tom does, his abuseundermines her authority by its very nature.Children who see or hear their father belittle theirmother, silence her, walk away and ignore her, orphysically intimidate her, learn that suchbehaviors toward her are both acceptable andeffective. Most children of abused women areaware that their father does these things—even ifthe parents don’t think they know—and theyexperiment with imitating his behaviors to see if itwill help them get their way.Children may also hope to win their father’sapproval by joining him in the abuse of theirmother. This effort succeeds in some cases, butother abusers lay down the law quickly to

establish that the privilege of disrespecting Mombelongs only to Dad. In this case the children mayrepress what they are learning until Mom and Dadsplit up; then, with the abuser out of the house,they let loose, re-creating his put-downs andintimidation of her, sometimes rapidly makingthemselves unmanageable.Children of abusers absorb his expectations ofconstant catering from the mother. The son of anabused woman tends, for example, to becomeenraged at her for not waiting on him hand andfoot, for pressing him to meet his responsibilities,or for challenging his inappropriate behaviors. Hisfather is a direct model for his angry, verballyabusive responses in these particularcircumstances.INTERFERING WITH HER PARENTINGThe evening after the birthday party, Tom forbidsHelen to involve the school psychologist inaddressing Randy’s assaults on his sister. Hedoesn’t say exactly what her punishment will be if

she defies him, but she knows him well enough tonot want to find out. She is thus forbidden toparent her children.Dozens of abused women have complained tome of my clients’ direct interference with theirparenting. The most common complaint is that ofbeing prevented from comforting a crying orfrightened baby or young child. The mensometimes admit the interference openly. A recentclient of mine, Jacob, told me that he was sick ofthe way his partner, Patricia, would pick up theireleven-month-old baby Willy when he cried and“fawn over him,” and he blocked her from goinginto the baby’s room. That was just the beginning.An older daughter of theirs was hospitalized forweeks in a city that was nearly two hours awaywith severe hepatitis. Patricia would rush to thehospital each night as soon as she got off work,visit briefly with her daughter, and then rush backhome in hopes of seeing Willy before he fellasleep. However, if Patricia didn’t make it back

home by the nightly deadline that Jacob had set,Jacob would not permit her to go into Willy’sroom to see him, even if Willy was still awake. Onat least one occasion the boy realized that Patriciawas home and started yelling, “Mommy,Mommy!” and Jacob still blocked her fromentering. His excuse to me? “I didn’t set thatdeadline,” he said. “We agreed to it mutually.”(This would have been an unacceptable excuseeven if it were true, but Patricia told me she neveragreed to such a deadline.)I think it is important to mention that Jacobnever hit Patricia in their ten years together andthat he was a college professor living in anunusually luxurious neighborhood. He provides apowerful illustration of the depth of thepsychological cruelty an abuser can perpetratewith little or no physical violence and keep hiddenbehind the most impressive facade.I SPEAK WITH some mothers who have

developed psychiatric symptoms from beingabused, such as nightmares, severe anxiety, ordepression. Research studies have found that theseconditions and related ones, includingposttraumatic stress disorder, are not uncommonin women who have been abused by their partners.The abuser may have indoctrinated his children toperceive their abused mother as emotionallytroubled, but he also may have actually causedher to become somewhat unstable. In either case,his behavior damages mother-child relationships,and it can take both time and outside assistancefor mothers and children to reestablish a strongand trusting connection.USING THE CHILDREN AS WEAPONS OFABUSEOne of my clients many years ago was a mousyand mild-mannered young father named Waynewho characterized himself as a feminist. He wasupset one morning about some things his wife,Nancy, had said to him before leaving the home,

and he stormed around itching to make her reallyregret her words. He was looking in therefrigerator for milk for their ten-month-old babywhen he came across a bottle from a few daysearlier that had spoiled. He recognized the bottleimmediately as the ultimate weapon andproceeded to give the baby the spoiled milk todrink, making him violently ill. Few other actscould have had an impact on Nancy as devastatingas this one. The controlling effect was potent:Nancy was terrified for a long time after to defyWayne or upset him in any way. She was alsofilled with anxiety as she left for work eachmorning.Another client of mine described how he hadtold his wife during an argument, “If you don’tshut up, you’re going to be really sorry,” and whenshe continued yelling at him, he went into theirteenage daughter’s closet and cut her prom dressto ribbons with a pair of scissors. The daughter’spain, I learned from the mother, was

indescribable. Fueling this type of cruelty tochildren is the abuser’s awareness that themother’s empathy for her children’s emotionalpain will hurt her more than anything he could doto her directly.SHAPING THE CHILD’S PERCEPTIONSOF THE ABUSEMany of my clients are skilled spin doctors, ableto distract children’s attention from what is beforethem and get them confused about the obvious.Consider the following scenario. A nastyargument breaks out between a mother and afather, with yelling and name-calling on bothsides. Their children can barely follow what thefighting is about, partly because their stomachsare tied in knots from the tension. For the rest ofthe day, their mother is distant and depressed,snapping at them over trivial frustrations. Theirfather disappears for two or three hours, but whenhe turns up again he is in a good mood, joking andlaughing with the children as if nothing had

happened. (An abuser can naturally snap out ofthe bad effects of an abusive incident much morequickly than the abused woman can.) So whichparent will seem to these children to have beenresponsible for shattering the calm of their homeearlier? Probably the grouchy one. It is thereforenot surprising that abusers are sometimes able toreverse their children’s perceptions so that theysee Mom as the volatile or unreasonable onedespite the abuse they witness.PLACING THE MOTHER IN A DOUBLEBINDWhen Tom punishes Helen by deliberately makingthe children late, Randy and Alex become upsetwith her for not capitulating. They feel that if shewould just cater to their father and manage hisemotions they would get what they need, so theysee her as the one who is hurting them. They knowit’s out of the question for him to do anythingdifferent. The abuser gets rewarded for hisbullying behavior because the children give up on

influencing his side of the equation and pour theirenergy into getting their mother to fix what’swrong.Yet this is only half of the problem. On someother issue, Helen may give in to Tom precisely toavoid the kind of abuse and retaliation thatresulted this time, and then the children will feelcritical of her for that. They may say: “Why doyou let Dad push you around like that? Why doyou put up with that?” They may grumble: “WhenDad is being mean to us, Mom doesn’t doanything about it.” Children of abused womenthus feel angry and upset with their mother forstanding up to the abuser and for not standing upto him. Their reactions in this regard are entirelyunderstandable, but the mother can find herself inan impossible bind that leads to more distance andtension between her and her children.Child protective services sometimes accuse anabused woman of “failing to protect” her childrenfrom exposure to an abusive man, without

understanding the many efforts she may havemade to keep them safe and the many tactics theabuser may have used to interfere with herparenting.HOW ABUSIVE MEN SOW DIVISIONS INFAMILIESRandy and Alex are bitter adversaries one minuteand loyal allies the next. They are like pebbles atthe edge of the sea, with each wave of abusetoward their mother washing over them andchanging their position in relation to each other.Randy’s violence toward Alex is no surprise; boyswho are exposed to the abuse of their mother areoften disrespectful of and aggressive toward theirpeers, targeting females in particular for theirhostility. Sons of abusers learn to look down onfemales, so they feel superior to their sisters andmothers and thus expect catering from them.Violence among siblings occurs at much higher

ates in homes where there is partner abuse.Abuse is inherently divisive; family membersblame each other for the abuser’s behaviorbecause it is unsafe to blame him. If an incident ofabuse began with an argument over one child’smisbehavior, then an older sibling might say,“Daddy screamed at Mom and made her crybecause he was mad that you were making somuch noise. You should have listened to me whenI told you to quiet down.”Tom contributes further to divisiveness throughhis favoritism: He treats Randy like a buddy andfixes his dirt bike, while ignoring Alex exceptwhen showing her off in public. Favoritism isrampant in the parenting of abusive men. Theymay favor boys over girls because of their ownnegative attitudes toward females. They favorchildren whom they see as siding with them andare rejecting of those who are sympathetic orprotective of the mother. Children experiencepowerful emotional rewards from the abuser for

distancing themselves from their mother and fromany siblings who are allied with her.My clients exhibit a range of other divisivetactics, including openly shaming children—especially boys—for being close to their mother,telling family members lies about each other, andmaking children feel like members of a specialand superior club when they are part of his team.Finally, they use collective punishment, requiringall the children to pay a price for one child’sbehavior, which can be devastating in its ability toturn children against each other.Why does an abuser sow divisions in theseways? One reason is that his power is decreased ifthe family remains unified. I have had a number ofclients whose partners and children haveconsistently supported each other, and the client isalways bitter about it, griping, “They’ve all turnedagainst me,” or, even more commonly, “She’sbrainwashed the children to be on her side.” Manyabusers take steps to avoid this outcome, using the

principle of “divide and conquer”: If people in thefamily are busy fighting with each other, attentionis diverted from the man’s cruelty or control.RESILIENCE IN MOTHER-CHILD ANDSIBLING RELATIONSHIPSAlmost miraculously, some family members ofabusers manage to stay close to each other andunified. Several factors play a role in helpingfamily relationships rebound from the effects ofthe abuser’s behavior and grow strong:1. Access to good information aboutabuse: When a mother receivesassistance from a program for abusedwomen, for example, she has an easiertime unraveling the convoluteddynamics of abuse, and then can assisther children to achieve greater clarity. Italso helps her not blame her children forhow they’ve been affected by the abuse.

2. Access to children’s services: Manyprograms for abused women now offerfree counseling for their children aswell, and specialized counseling forchildren who have witnessed abuse issometimes available through othersources such as hospitals or mentalhealth centers. Family relationshipsbenefit greatly when children get anopportunity to work through some of thedynamics we have been examining.3. Safety from the abuser: Familymembers are more likely to stay by eachother if their community stays by them,helping them to either leave the abuseror demand that he change. For theviolent abuser, the police and courts canplay a critical role in supporting thefamily, or they can drop the ball. Theactions taken by family and juvenilecourts can also be pivotal in protecting

children from the effects of an abuser’sbehavior.4. Access to supportive communityresources: I have observed, forexample, that children tend to do bettersimply by having the good fortune tolive in a neighborhood where there areplenty of children to play with. Ifchildren have the opportunity toparticipate in sports, drama, or otheractivities that give them pleasure andhelp them feel good about themselves,they are less likely to channel theirdistress into hurting their siblings andtheir mother. Adults outside the familywho devote attention to the children andengage them in activities can help themunhook themselves psychologicallyfrom the abuser, even without any directmention of the abuse.Support for the mother is as important

as support for the children. Seek out atrustworthy friend or relative, and takethe leap of talking about how you arebeing mistreated in your relationship.Breaking your isolation is critical tohealing both you and your children.5. A mother who works hard at herparenting and gets help with it: It isimportant for an abused mother to getcommunity support and not to try to be asuperhero. At the same time, there arehelpful steps you can take. Try as hardas you can not to take your rage andfrustration out on your children. Lookfor books or lectures about parentingand discipline strategies. Seek supportfor your parenting from friends andrelatives, and try to be open tosuggestions or constructive criticismfrom others. These are all extraordinarychallenges for an abused mother; no one

should blame you if you can’t do all ofthese things, especially all at once. But Ifind that many abused women discoverways to be the best mothers they canunder the circumstances, and theirchildren feel the difference in the longrun.6. An abuser who is a poor manipulator:Some abusive men simply aren’t asclever or persuasive in shaping thechildren’s outlook, with the result thatthe children don’t become as confusedand ambivalent and cast less blame onto their mothers, their siblings, andthemselves.HOW CHILDREN LOOK AT THEIRABUSIVE FATHERSIn his children’s eyes, the abuser issimultaneously hated and revered. They resent his

ullying and selfishness but are attracted to hischarm and power. They soak up the deliciousmoments when he is kind and attentive, partlybecause they may be so few. They may have anactive fantasy life about getting big enough tostand up to him, and often dream of hurting him.If he is depressed or alcoholic, they worry abouthim. They observe that when their father is happypeace reigns in the family and that when he isunhappy he makes everyone else miserable, too,so they invest themselves in keeping him content.These many powerful mixed feelings areconfusing and uncomfortable for children.Children also are subject to traumatic bondingwith the abuser, just as their mothers are, even ifhe does not abuse them directly. When childprotective workers or custody evaluators assess afamily in which there is partner abuse, theycommonly conclude that the children are highlybonded to their father—as I find in their writtenreports—without examining whether or not that

attachment is the result of trauma andmanipulation rather than of extensive positive timespent together.The abuser shapes how the children and themother see him as a parent. It is common for apartner of one of my clients to say: “He treats meterribly, but he’s a good father.” But when I thenask detailed questions about the kinds ofbehaviors I have reviewed in this chapter, threetimes out of four the woman reports multipleimportant problems; she just hadn’t been able tosort them out. You therefore may be finding thatuncomfortable questions are arising for you aboutyour own partner’s parenting as you read along.When you are already struggling with how you arebeing treated yourself, it can be painful to considerthat your children may be at risk of mistreatmentas well. In the pages ahead, you will findsuggestions for helping your children meet theirown challenges.

THE ABUSER AS PARENTPOSTSEPARATIONWhat happens to the parenting of abusers whencouples split up? Some abusive men simplyvanish from their children’s lives, taking theattitude, “The children are her problem. If shewanted help with them, she should have treatedme better. I don’t want restrictions on myfreedom.” He thinks of having children as areversible process, reminiscent of jokes aboutrecovering one’s virginity. He may pay little or nochild support, and the children may not evenreceive birthday cards from him.Children may actually fare better in the longterm from having the abuser drop out of their livesrather than having him continue his manipulationsand divisiveness for years, but these are both poorchoices. When an abusive father disappears,children feel rejected and abandoned. In one of mycurrent cases, the child keeps insisting that the

eason for the disappearance of the father is“because he didn’t like me,” although the mothertells him that isn’t so. Depending on theirneighborhood or community, children also maysuffer from the stigma of having a father who “ranoff.”When abusive fathers stay involved, a differentset of problems typically arise. First, the mother isgenerally the one who ended the relationship, andabusers do not take well to being left. They mayuse the children as weapons to retaliate against themother or as pawns to try to get her back. I had aclient named Nate, for example, who moved intoan apartment when he and his wife separated andkept his new place as dingy and depressing aspossible. He threw a bare mattress on the floor,put no pictures on the walls or rugs on the floors,and acquired little other furniture, although hecould have afforded to make the place look decent.When the children came to visit him on weekends,they were shocked by his living conditions. He

cried in front of them about how much he missedthem and their mother and how bad it felt to bealone and outside of the family. He dressedsloppily, barely combed his hair, and rarelyshaved, giving himself a pathetic mien. Thechildren were crushed and could think of nothingother than their father’s pain and loneliness.Naturally they began pressuring their mother to lethim come back home.Children can be used even more directly asweapons. A partner of one of my clients told methat she had left him about a year earlier but thengot back together with him, “because he told me ifI didn’t let him back in the house he was going tosexually abuse our daughter.” She had notreported this threat to a family court, because sheassumed she would not be believed—familycourts are widely reputed to treat women’s sexualabuse allegations with strong disbelief.Abused women have reported to me countlessways in which their ex-partners try to hurt or

control them through the children, including:Pumping them for information about themother’s life, especially about newpartnersReturning them from visits dirty, unfed,or sleep-deprivedDiscussing with them the possibility ofcoming to live with him insteadContinuing to drive wedges betweenthem and their motherUndermining her authority by making hishouse a place where there are no rules orlimits, permitting the children to eatwhatever junk food they want, watchmovies that are inappropriately violent orsexual, and ignore their homework, sothat they chafe against normal disciplinewhen they get back to her houseHurting the children psychologically,

physically, or sexually in order to upsetthe motherThreatening to take the children awayfrom herSeeking custody or increased visitationthrough the courtsInsisting on taking the children forvisitation only to leave them most of thetime in someone else’s care, usually hismother’s or new partner’sWHY HE USES THE CHILDREN ASWEAPONS POSTSEPARATIONWhat is going on in the abuser’s mind as he hurtshis ex-partner through the children?1. He wants her to fail.The last thing an abuser wants is for his partner tothrive after they split up, since that would provethat he was the problem. So he tries to make herparenting life as difficult as possible so that her

life will stay stuck. She ends up feeling like shewas never really permitted to leave him, feelinghis presence around her all the time through hismaneuvers involving the children. Many abuserscause more damage to mother-child relationshipsafter separation than they did before.2. He is losing most of his other avenues forgetting at her.Separation means that the abuser doesn’t get hisdaily opportunities to control the woman and cuther down. He may still be able to get at herthrough various financial dealings, and he canstalk or assault her if he is willing to risk arrest.But the children become one of his only vehiclesto keep a hook into her for the long term.3. He considers the children his personalpossessions.While the abuser may believe that the work ofraising children is his partner’s responsibility, heassigns the rights regarding them to himself. He

feels outraged postseparation that he is losingcontrol not only of his ex-partner but of thechildren as well. This ownership mentality wasillustrated neatly by a client of mine who went tocourt seeking sole legal custody but requestingthat the mother retain physical custody; in otherwords, he wanted her to look after the child, butthe right to make the decisions would be his.(Fortunately, his request was denied.)An abusive father may go ballistic if his expartnerbegins a new relationship because, asclients often say to me: “I don’t want another manaround my children.” In my experience, abusedwomen often get involved with a more respectfulman on the next go round, because their painfulexperience has taught them some signs of abuse towatch out for. Her children may then gravitate tothe new man as if toward a magnet, thrilled todiscover that they can get caring and appropriatemale attention, a situation to which an abusiveman may have a hostile reaction.

4. His perceptions of his ex-partner are highlydistorted.Many of my clients genuinely believe that they aredoing what is best for their children by drivingthem away from their mother, because they haveswallowed their own propaganda about how badshe is. An abuser strives to prove that his expartneris a poor mother by pointing to symptomsthat are actually the effects that his cruelty has hadon her: her depression, her emotional volatility,her difficulty managing the children’s disrespectof her. He feels that he needs to save them fromher, a stark and disturbing distortion.DO ALL ABUSERS HARM THEIRCHILDREN EMOTIONALLYPOSTSEPARATION?Fortunately not. I have worked with abusers whohave substantially more compassion for thechildren than they have for their partners and who

do not use them as weapons postseparation. Thesemen tend to be:1. The ones who behaved the mostresponsibly toward the children priorto separation: The divorced orseparated abuser who is kind to thechildren, cares for them responsibly, anddoes not try to damage theirrelationships with their mother is a manwho was also operating this way whilethe couple was together. He generallydidn’t degrade her right in front of thechildren and didn’t abuse her during apregnancy. He is usually less selfish andself-centered than the average abuser.The parenting of abusive men rarelyimproves postseparation, unlike that ofsome nonabusive fathers. I have hadclients who put on a big show of beingnicer to their children and spending

more time with them because they wereseeking custody, or because they weretrying to turn the children against theirmother. These are not genuineimprovements in parenting; once theircampaign is over, win or lose, theyrevert to their old ways. The onlyquestion about an abuser’s treatment ofhis children postseparation is “Will itstay the same or will it get worse?”2. The ones who are not intent uponsettling old scores: If he is willing tomove on with life without having topunish you—or get back together withyou—the picture for the children canbrighten somewhat.3. The ones who do not use the legalsystem to pursue custody or increasedvisitation: For a variety of reasons,many abusive men do not choose to usefamily courts as a venue for taking

power over the woman and her children.Once the court becomes involved, theroad to peace can be a long and painfulone.THE ABUSER IN FAMILY COURTI have frequently served as a custody evaluator, orguardian ad litem. A custody evaluator isappointed by a court to investigate the children’scircumstances in cases of divorce or separationand to make recommendations to the judgeregarding custody and visitation. In my first caseof this kind several years ago, a man named Kentwas seeking to win custody of his three-year-olddaughter from his ex-partner, Renée. Kent was inthe military, so he did not have “flex-time”options; he told me that if he gained custody, hisparenting plan was to put Tracy in day care fortyhours a week. Tracy was currently in the full-timecare of her mother. Kent was not critical of

Renée’s parenting; he said simply that he wantedTracy to live with him because he could care forher even better. More important, he was offeringto allow Renée liberal visitation, whereas Renéewas restricting his contact with Tracy to a setschedule. “That way Tracy could have bothparents,” he said.Kent informed me with audible outrage thatRenée was accusing him of having been abusive,“but she has never provided one shred of evidenceof her laughable allegations.” He then went on, inresponse to my detailed questions, to describethirteen different occasions on which he hadphysically assaulted Renée, including repeatedincidents of pushing her down and one time whenhe kneed her so hard in the pelvic area that she gota large dark bruise. He claimed never to havepunched or slapped her; apparently this is why heconsidered her reports of abuse such a joke.That isn’t all. Kent went on to tell me that hehad participated only minimally in Tracy’s care

during her first year of life and not dramaticallymore during the subsequent two years. (Mostabusers in custody disputes are craftier than Kentwas. His entitlement was so severe that he didn’tthink I would see anything wrong with thispicture.)Why did Kent want to take a little girl out of thefull-time care of a competent mother in order toput her into full-time day care? I was forced toconclude that he craved power over Renée, wantedcontact with her and saw winning custody as theway to put the cards back in his hands.Unfortunately, few custody evaluators or judgesunderstand the nature of an abusive man’sproblem. If they find him likable, they assume theabuse allegations must be greatly exaggerated.And once they adopt that stance, it can becomeextraordinarily difficult to get them to listencarefully to what has gone on or to investigate theevidence.The world of family courts, where legal

struggles over custody and visitation take place, isa nightmare in the lives of many thousands ofabused women across the United States andCanada. A woman who has overcome so manyobstacles to finally free herself from abuse cansuddenly find herself jerked back into the abuser’sgrip, because he is the legal father of her childrenand chooses to continue his abuse through thelegal system.The typical abusive man enters the court withself-assurance, assuming that court personnel willbe malleable in his charming and manipulativehands. He typically tells lies chronically andcomfortably. He looks and acts nothing like thesocial stereotype of an abuser and plays on theprevailing myths and prejudices concerning abuse.Imagine how Tom, the father in the scenario thatopened this chapter, would appear in thecourthouse; would anyone believe that he could bean abuser?THE ABUSER’S TACTICS IN CUSTODY

DISPUTESHere are just a few of the strategies an abusertends to use in custody and visitation disputes:Taking Advantage of His Financial PositionMost men are in a better economic position thantheir ex-partners for at least the first few yearsfollowing separation. This imbalance is greater forabusers because they may control and manipulatethe finances while the couple is together andsometimes make dramatic attempts to destroytheir partner economically as the relationshipdissolves. An abuser can often afford to spend agreat deal more than the woman on legalexpenses, or he can get himself into a nice houseto sway both the children and the custodyevaluator. He may be able to completely ruin hisex-partner’s financial position by dragging herback into court over and over again.Asking for Psychological EvaluationsMost abusers do not show significant

psychopathology on psychological tests, but theirpartners often do as a result of enduring years ofabuse. The evaluating psychologist may reportthat the woman is depressed, hysterical, orvindictive; few evaluators take the abusedwoman’s actual past experience or currentcircumstances into account. If she reports that sheis being followed, for example, because the abuseris stalking her, she is likely to be labeled“paranoid” and her reports of abuse discredited onthat basis. A psychologist’s report on the abusiveman may be based on a related set ofmisconceptions. I have read several evaluationsthat state that the man is unlikely to haveperpetrated the reported acts of abuse because heis not mentally ill or because he doesn’t showsigns of aggressiveness in the evaluator’s office.(On this erroneous basis, most abusive men couldbe declared to be victims of false accusations.)Unfortunately, many psychologists who take courtappointments have been slow to accept that their

standard array of theories and tests can lead toserious errors when applied to domestic-abusecases.Playing the Role of PeacemakerA great number of my clients use a routine thatgoes like this: “There was a lot of fighting and badfeeling in our relationship, and I can understandthat she is bitter about some things, but we need toput that all behind us for the good of the children.She is so focused on getting revenge against methat she is forgetting about the children’s needs.That’s why I’m asking for joint custody, so thatthe children would get lots of time with each of us,while she’s asking for me to have only every otherSaturday.”This piece of acting seeks to take advantage ofthe myth that women are more vindictive thanmen when relationships end (in the case of abuse,however, the reality is very much the opposite)and that men are frequently victims of falseaccusations of abuse by women who want to keep

them away from their children. The abuser’s goalwith this and all other strategies is to get courtpersonnel to disbelieve his ex-partner and ignoreany evidence she presents.Feigning Remorse over the AbuseA surprising number of judges and custodyevaluators consider a man’s abuse of his partnerirrelevant to custody and visitation decisions. Theyare either unaware or uninterested in the role thatan abusive man plays as a role model for hischildren, the damage he can do to mother-childrelationships, and the way he may use the childrenas weapons. So if an abuser says he regrets hisverbal or physical assaults on the mother, that canbe enough to manipulate court personnel intosaying, “Let’s leave all that in the past.”Confusing the Court with CrossaccusationsMost of my clients can lie persuasively, withsoulful facial expressions, good eye contact, andcolorful details. Court personnel have trouble

elieving that such a pleasant-seeming man couldsimply be inventing most or all of his accusationsagainst the abused woman. In various cases ofmine, court personnel have told me, “He accusesher of the same things, so I guess they abuse eachother.” In such cases, the court may accept hiscounteraccusations at face value, rather than lookclosely at the evidence.Accusing Her of Trying to Turn the ChildrenAgainst HimSome abusive men do not succeed in turningchildren against their mother, and some don’t eventry. Children sometimes see the abuse for what itis and take whatever steps they can to protectthemselves, each other, and their mother,including perhaps disclosing the abuser’streatment of her (or of them) to outsiders. Theabusive man’s typical response to this is to claimthat the mother is turning the children against him.Some prominent psychologists have,unfortunately, contributed through their writings

to the myth that it is unhealthy for children todistance themselves from an abusive father andthat the mother is probably the cause of theirdesire to do so. Family courts tend to be unawareof how important it is to children not to beexposed to the negative role modeling of theirabusive father and to his hostility and contempttoward their mother. Regrettably, a growingnumber of abusive men succeed in using suchclaims of “parental alienation” to win custody orample unsupervised visitation, even in caseswhere there is extensive evidence that the man hasabused not only the mother but the children aswell.The reality is that a mother who attempts torestrict her children’s contact with the man whoabused her is generally acting as an appropriateprotective parent. She is also supporting healthyself-protective instincts in her children; childrenwho are not supported or encouraged in this wayto protect themselves from exposure to abuse will

e at greater risk for accommodating abuse byothers as they go through life.I have noticed that charges of “parentalalienation” are sometimes leveled against the mostcompetent mothers, because of their strong andsupportive bonds with their children—which theabuser terms enmeshment or overdependence—and because the children have learned to seethrough the abuser’s facade and therefore chooseto try to keep away from him.Appealing to Popular MisconceptionsSeveral misleading arguments appear repeatedlyin statements that abusers make during familycourt litigation. First is the claim that fathers arewidely discriminated against by family courts incustody disputes. The research actually shows theopposite, that in fact fathers have been at a distinctadvantage in custody battles in the United Statessince the late 1970s, when the maternal preferencewent out of vogue. Next often comes the myth thatchildren of divorce fare better in joint custody,

when the research shows overwhelmingly thatthey in fact do worse, except in those cases wheretheir parents remain on good terms after thedivorce and can co-parent cooperatively—which isalmost impossible for a woman to do with anabusive ex-partner. Abusive men also assertfalsely that there is a rampant problem ofwomen’s false allegations of abuse, that childsupport obligations are unfairly high, thatdomestic abuse is irrelevant to custody decisions,and that men are abused in relationships just asmuch as women.THE SUCCESS OF these strategies relies heavilyon the ignorance, and sometimes gender bias, ofcourt personnel regarding women who disclosehistories of partner abuse and on their stereotypesregarding men who are “just not the type” to beabusers. Prejudicial attitudes often take the placeof careful investigation and consideration of theevidence. Unfortunately, family courts have

generally not made the kinds of progress inrecognizing and responding to domestic abuse thatmany other social institutions, such as the policeand criminal courts, have (though serious workremains to be done in those arenas as well, as wesee in Chapter 12).MIXED SOCIAL MESSAGES TO ABUSEDMOTHERSWhat should a mother’s role be in protecting herchildren from exposure to their father’sabusiveness? Abused women can get caught in theprofound societal ambivalence that existsregarding this question. While couples aretogether, professionals and other communitymembers are highly critical of a mother whocontinues to live with an abusive man. They saythings to her such as, “You are choosing yourpartner over your children,” or “You must not careabout what things are like for them.” Child

protection officials sometimes threaten to take amother’s children away from her for “failure toprotect” if she won’t leave a man who is abusingher. If she believes that the man has the potentialto change, they are likely to say she is “in denial”or “unrealistic” for harboring such fantasies.These critics ignore the huge challenges she facesas a parent and how difficult it is to leave anabuser.But when an abused mother does break up therelationship, society tends to do an abrupt aboutface.Suddenly she hears from court officials andfrom other people:“Well, maybe he abused you, but that’s noreason to keep the children away from him. Heis their father, after all.”“Don’t you think your own resentments areclouding your judgment about your children?”“Don’t you believe that people ever change?

Why don’t you give him the benefit of thedoubt?”In other words, a woman can be punished forexposing children to a man in one situation butthen punished for refusing to expose them to thesame man in another situation. And the secondcase is potentially even more dangerous than thefirst, because she is no longer able to keep an eyeon what he does with the children or to prevent thepostseparation escalation that is so common inabusive fathers.Abused mothers are typically required by familycourts across the United States and Canada tosend their children on unsupervised visitation—orinto custody—with their abusive fathers. Whenthe children then begin to show predictablesymptoms such as school behavior and attentionproblems, sleep disorders, unwillingness torespect their mother’s authority, or emotionaldeterioration, court personnel and court-appointed

evaluators commonly declare that these are normalreactions to divorce or that the children areactually responding to their mother’s emotionsrather than to their own. I have been involved inseveral cases where the abuser has physically orsexually abused the children in addition toabusing the mother, and the court still forced themother to allow visitation with no professionalsupervision. Abused women across the continentreport that it can become extraordinarily difficultto persuade the court to examine the evidenceobjectively once the mother has been labeled“vindictive” or “overemotional” or has beenaccused (however baselessly) of having influencedher children’s statements.The treatment that protective mothers so oftenreceive at the hands of family courts is among themost shameful secrets of modern jurisprudence.This is the only social institution that I am awareof that so frequently forbids mothers to protecttheir children from abuse. Fortunately, over the

past few years, women and men (including manynonabusive fathers) across the United States andCanada have been waking up to the severity ofthis problem with the result that there are multipleinitiatives currently in motion to demand familycourt reform. I have been part of one such effort,assisting a well-funded organization that ispreparing a human rights report for theinternational community on the revictimization ofabused women and their children through custodyand visitation litigation. (For more information,see “Battered Mothers Testimony Project” in the“Resources” section in the back of this book.)PREPARING FOR CUSTODY BATTLESJUST IN CASEIf you have not experienced custody litigation, orat least not yet, please bear the following points inmind:It is important to keep records of yourpartner’s abusive behaviors toward you

or the children. If he writes scary ortwisted letters to you, keep them. Iffriends or neighbors see him mistreat youor the children, ask them to describe inwriting what they witnessed. If you haveever called the police, try to get a recordof the call, whether they came or not. Ifhe leaves abusive or threateningmessages on your answering machine,keep a copy on tape.Seek legal representation if you canpossibly afford it. If you have noresources, apply for a legal servicesattorney. In choosing an attorney, try tofind one who is experienced in domesticabuse and who treats abused womenwith patience and respect. The fact that alawyer is well known does not mean thathe or she necessarily understands theissues involved in disputing custody orvisitation with an abuser.

Move cautiously. Avoid abruptly denyinghim visitation, for example, even if youhave concerns about how your childrenare being affected. Courts can be quick toaccuse women of trying to cut thechildren’s father out of their lives even ifshe has good reason to be worried.Involve your children with a therapist ifyou can find a good one in yourcommunity. It is important to haveprofessionals involved so that you are notthe only one reporting the distress thatyour children’s relationship with theirfather is causing them. In situationswhere it is just your word against his, hemay be able to charm court personnelwith his skillful lying and winningmanner.If one of your children discloses to yousexual abuse by their father—which is anextraordinarily upsetting experience—it

is especially important that you approachthe court and your local child protectionagency with as calm an appearance asyou possibly can. If you get labeled as“hysterical about sexual abuse,” nomatter how justified your reactions, yourreports may be discredited. If you are inthis situation, read the excellent book AMother’s Nightmare—Incest, listed in“Resources,” for further guidance onmanaging the legal system.Most abused women do succeed inkeeping custody of their children. But thebetter you plan, the more likely you are toavoid a horrible surprise. For a freepacket of information for abused womenand their attorneys regarding custody andvisitation litigation, call the ResourceCenter on Domestic Violence: ChildProtection and Custody at 1–800–527–3223.

THE SUBJECT OF abusive men as parents,including their behavior in custody and visitationdisputes, is a complex one; I have only touchedthe surface here. Readers who wish to pursue amore in-depth discussion should see my book TheBatterer as Parent: Addressing the Impact ofDomestic Violence on Family Dynamics (writtenwith Dr. Jay Silverman), which addresses the fullrange of issues touched on in this chapter.Although that book focuses on the physicallyviolent abuser, you will find that most of what wesay applies to psychologically abusive men aswell.The more you are aware of how your childrenmay be affected by their exposure to your partner’sabuse of you, and to the problems in his style as aparent, the better able you will be to protect themfrom emotional harm. They need to know that youare a parent they can count on to be consistentlykind and safe, since the abuser is unpredictableand at times intimidating. If they are giving you

difficult behavioral challenges, are having someproblems focusing their attention, or are prone towithdrawal or depression, bear in mind that theseare all normal responses in children whosemothers are abused. Your patience andunderstanding are critical to them, including yourability to show them that you do not believe theyare bad. Remember that growing up around anabusive father or stepfather is very confusing andanxiety producing for children even if he does notmistreat them directly.Make your own healing—as well as youremotional and physical safety—a priority.Children of an abused woman can feel thedifference when their mother starts to get help forherself and becomes more able to recognize abusefor what it is, blaming neither herself nor herchildren for the abusive man’s behavior.Here are some other actions you can take:Insist on complete respect from your children.Children can absorb your partner’s rude or

ullying approach to you and begin to exhibitbehaviors toward you that they have learned fromhim. Try to put a stop to this behavior as quicklyas possible before it gets a chance to snowball.You may not be able to be firm with the childrenin front of your partner if he actively underminesyou, but put your foot down as much as you can,especially when he isn’t around.Insist on respect for females in general. Yourpartner’s control or abuse toward you creates anatmosphere in which negative attitudes towardfemales can grow like mold. Interrupt thesewhenever you see them appearing in your sons ordaughters.Confront your partner’s undermining of yourparenting. Unless you are afraid of how yourpartner will retaliate, name his undermining forwhat it is and demand that it stop.Don’t lie on your partner’s behalf or cover forhis behavior. You may feel that you should protectyour children’s image of your partner by making

excuses for him, telling them what happened wasyour fault, or lying about what he did. Yourrelationships with your children will be damagedin the long run if your cover for him, however, andthat is the outcome you most want to avoid. Inaddition, you increase their vulnerability to him ifyou encourage them to deny their own selfprotectiveinstincts. (However, you may need to lieto him to protect them sometimes.)Be the best parent you can. As unfair as it is,the reality is that an abused woman has to be anoutstanding parent in order to help her childrenprocess and heal from the abuse they have beenexposed to. Draw on every resource you can,including parenting books and training courses,parent support groups, and play groups that mayexist in your area. (For specific suggestions, seethe “Resources” section in the back of this book.)Consider leaving your relationship, at least fora while, if you can do so safely. One of the bestways to help children heal is for them to be free

from witnessing abuse. As I discussed earlier,however, it is important to plan carefully in orderto make it harder for your abusive partner to hurtthe children through his visitation with them orthrough legal actions for custody.If your partner has already succeeded in causingsome distance in your relationships with yourchildren, or has turned them against each other, itis still possible to heal those divisions and rebuildhealthy connections. Make your relationships apriority and draw on counseling services in yourcommunity to help you work through the barriersthat your abusive partner has erected. Encourageyour children to talk about the upsettinginteractions they have witnessed in the home, withthe help of counselors if necessary; it is especiallyimportant to relieve any burden the children havefelt to keep the abuse secret. Some abusedwomen’s programs have group counseling forchildren, which is an excellent environment in

which they can break the secret about the abuse,gain insight into their own emotional reactions,and learn that the abusive man’s behavior isneither their mother’s fault nor their own.Above all, don’t give up. Healing rupturedrelationships takes time and perseverance. In acase I am involved in currently in which theparents are divorced, the mother was on the vergeof losing hope that she would ever be on goodterms again with her teenage boy, who was alliedwith his abusive father and imitating his attitudesand behaviors—including threats of violence—toward the mother. But she persevered, despitemany moments of despair over a three-year period,and now the boy has finally begun to recognize hisfather’s bullying and manipulation and isgradually repairing his connection to his mother.KEY POINTS TO REMEMBER

An abuser in the home affects everybody.A good father does not abuse hischildren’s mother.Abusers drive wedges between people,by accident or by design. Abusedmothers and their children should seeksupport to heal as individuals and to healtheir relationships with each other (see“About General Parenting Issues” in“Resources” in the back of this book).If you are preparing to leave an abuserwith whom you have children, seek outlegal advice regarding custody issues assoon as you can.

11Abusive Men and Their AlliesI used to feel close to his mom, but nowshe seems to hate me.I can’t even call up our friendsanymore, because they don’t want to getin the middle.Sometimes I feel like I must be the onewho’s messed up, because my ownfamily sides with him.I don’t bother to call the police when hegets scary, because he’s got buddies onthe force who help him out.The custody evaluator reported to the

court that I’m hysterical and that thechildren should live with him.IN EACH OF the following examples, all ofwhich come from cases I have been involved in,something is happening that is very difficult toaccount for:A woman flees into hiding because she isterrified of her abusive husband. Helooks everywhere for her and cannottrack her down. When all else fails, hepays a visit to her parents. He tells themhow sorry he is about how he treatedtheir daughter and says he misses herterribly and is going to change. He criesand begs for her address, “just so that Ican send her a letter and tell her how Ifeel,” and her parents give it to him.A man joins an abuser program that hasbeen denied certification by his state’s

Department of Public Health because itviolates state regulations. While in theprogram, the man complains that hisgirlfriend sometimes hits him, too, andthe counselor, who is a licensedpsychologist, responds by encouragingthe abuser to get a restraining orderagainst the abused woman. Thepsychologist admits this openly to me.The daughter of a divorced abusedwoman discloses in explicit detail thatshe is being sexually abused by her fatherduring visitation. The mother goes tocourt to request a professional evaluationof her daughter. The mother’s sisterarrives at court that day with the abuser,with whom she has now become friendsdespite the fact that she hated him beforethe divorce. The sister not only tells thejudge that the sexual abuse allegationsare lies but actually asks the judge to

take custody of the girl away from themother and give it to her. (Fortunately,the judge doesn’t allow the sister to takethe girl. The evaluation goes forward andwinds up confirming the sexual abuse.)An abusive man’s therapist assigns apsychological diagnosis to the abusedwoman without having met her or eventalked to her, relying entirely on theman’s descriptions of his partner, despiteknowing that he is accused of abusingher.A mother flees with her children to ashelter for abused women because herhouse is vandalized. She can tell it washer physically abusive ex-husband whodid it, and she takes the damage as aclear threat. Within several days offleeing, she contacts the court-appointedcustody evaluator to let him know whereshe is. The custody evaluator, however,

shoots off a report to the court statingthat the woman has no reason to beafraid of her husband, although she hastold him of her partner’s history ofviolence and threats, and recommendsthat the children be taken away from themother and given to the father. He doesnot mention the woman’s phone call tohim from the shelter in his report. On thebasis of the custody evaluator’s report, allthree children, including a girl who isonly three years old, are sent to live at theabuser’s home, and the mother ispermitted only brief supervised visits,because she is now labeled a “flightrisk.”How are abusive men able to attract allies totheir cause? And why do some people becomesuch enthusiastic, and at times vicious, agents ofthe abuser? To answer these questions we need to

look not only at the mind-set of abusive men butalso at the socially acceptable attitudes and stylesof interaction that an abusive man can use toprevail upon other people to do his dirty work.WHY THE ABUSIVE MAN SEEKSALLIESControlling and intimidating a partner is not thateasy. A man has a better chance of dominating awoman than vice versa, but it is still a challenge.Very few people willingly consent to having theirrights systematically denied. The abusive manthus is faced repeatedly with the problem—fromhis perspective—of his partner’s continuedresistance to his control. Over time he gets tired ofbullying her all by himself.Certain other impediments can trip up theabuser. Changes in societal attitudes towardabuse, including improvements in some importantlaws and policies, are making it harder to get

away with. The physically frightening or sexuallyassaultive abuser, for example, is much morelikely to be arrested than he would have been tenor fifteen years ago. His partner now has theoption of seeking a court order to keep him awayfrom her.Perhaps most important is that the silencesurrounding abuse is being broken. In a currentcase of mine involving a psychological abuser,close friends of the woman sat her down one dayand staged an “intervention,” in which theysupportively pressed her to recognize the impacther husband’s abuse was having on her. Unlikethe situation years ago, there are now variousways in which an abused woman can findassistance—or assistance can find her, as it did inthis case.In this context, an abuser has to work harderthan ever to keep his partner blaming herself andto fend off helping hands that might reach her.One great way to keep people off of her side is to

win them over to his side first. Besides, he feelsthat he deserves allies, because he considershimself the victim.You may wonder why, if abusive men feel sojustified in their actions, they distort their storiesso much when seeking support. First, an abuserdoesn’t want to have to explain his worstbehaviors—his outright cruelty, for example, orhis violence—to people who might find those actsdistasteful, and he may not feel confident that hisjustifications will be accepted. Second, he maycarry some guilt or shame about his worst acts, asmost abusers do; his desire to escape thosefeelings is part of why he looks for validation fromother people, which relieves any nagging selfdoubt.He considers his guilt feelings a weaknessto be overcome. And, last, he may lie because hehas convinced himself of his own distortions. Thenarcissistic abuser, for example, considers hisfabrications real, which is one of the reasons whylie-detector tests are unreliable in cases of abuse

(including child sexual abuse).QUESTION 16:HOW COME SO MANYPEOPLE SIDE WITH HIM?The list of people an abuser can potentiallypersuade to act as his agents is a long one: friends,relatives, teachers, psychologists, clergypeople,police and judges, her relatives, and, following abreakup, his new partner. Let’s take a look atseveral of these people from the abused woman’sperspective, examining both how the abuserrecruits them and why they are willing to be hisfront people.THE ABUSER’S RELATIVES“Sometimes he and his father rip into metogether, putting me down and making fun of

me. His dad is just like him.”“His uncle abuses his aunt and everybody inhis family can tell, but they never say a wordabout it.”“He was arrested for pounding on my doorwhen I had a restraining order against him,but his sister testified that he’d been over ather house that whole night, so he got off.”“His mother and I were good friends, but eversince he got arrested for hitting me she won’ttalk to me, as if I were the bad one.”As these statements by partners of my clientsillustrate, one fundamental dynamic has changedlittle despite three decades of progress in socialattitudes toward abuse: No one wants to believethat his or her own son or brother is an abusiveman. Parents don’t want the finger pointed atthem, so they say: “Our child wouldn’t abuse his

partner. We brought him up right.” Allegations ofabuse by the son can draw uncomfortable attentionto the dynamics of the previous generation;abusive men are three times more likely thannonabusers to come from homes in which theirfather or stepfather abused their mother. And if thefather or stepfather is abusive, he shares the son’sentitled attitudes and victim-blaming tendencies.Family loyalty and collective denial of familyproblems are powerful binding agents. The abusershapes his relatives’ views of his partner over aperiod of years. They have perhaps seen with theirown eyes how she “overreacts” to certain thingshe does in public, because with no idea of what hehas been doing to her behind closed doors, theycan’t accurately judge her behavior. So theyoppose abuse in the abstract, but they fight fiercelyfor the abuser when he is their own.THE ABUSED WOMAN’S RELATIVESAND FRIENDS

As if the support an abuser receives from his ownrelatives weren’t bad enough, I keep encounteringcases where the woman’s relatives also come tohis aid. At a conference I spoke at recently, alawyer stood up to ask: “Why do some of myclients find themselves in situations where theirown families are helping the abusers wincustody?”Every family has tensions within it, and abusersuse their manipulative skills to take advantage ofthose rifts. In one case, for example, an abusernamed Ian heard that his ex-wife Tina had fallenout with her parents because they were upset thatshe had stopped attending church. Ian made apoint of starting to make a regular appearance atSunday services and one day found his way to“coincidentally” sit near Tina’s relatives. Heengaged them in a conversation about his“concerns” about her loss of faith and how bad hefelt that Tina wasn’t giving their children thebenefits of consistent church attendance. He also

slipped in a few assertions that he knew wouldbring to mind the kind of person who skipsservices, saying, “Our children tell me she’s beendrinking heavily and bringing a lot of differentmen around the house.” Pretty soon a minor tiffhad turned into a gigantic one.It is uncomfortable for a woman to tell herfamily the details of her partner’s abuse of her.She feels ashamed and wants to avoid havingthem ask: “Well, then, why are you with him?”But the abuser can take advantage of how muchher family doesn’t know. He is careful not tocreate the impression he’s bad-mouthing her,while subtly planting his poisonous seeds. Hemight say, for example: “She’s telling people nowthat I was abusive to her, and that really hurts me.It’s gotten so I don’t want to show my face places’cause of what she’s saying. I’m not keeping anysecrets; I’ll tell you right out that I did slap her oneday, which I know is wrong. She has this thingabout saying that my mother is a ‘whore’ ’cause

she’s been divorced twice, and that really gets tome, but I know I should have handled itdifferently.”When he leaves, her parents find themselvesruminating: “Gee, she didn’t mention anythingabout insulting his mother in that incident. Thatmakes it a little different. She can have quite amouth on her, I’ve noticed that myself. Heshouldn’t slap her, but he’s obviously feelingguilty about it now. And he’s willing to admit thatit’s partly his fault, while she blames it all on him.She does that in conflicts with us sometimes; shedoesn’t realize it takes two to tango.”The part about the woman calling his mother adegrading name may never have even happened;my clients smoothly make up stories to cover theirworst incidents. But whether or not he is tellingthe truth is almost beside the point; he is playingto the societal value, still widely held, that a man’sabuse toward a woman is significantly less seriousif she has behaved rudely herself.

There continues to be social pressure on womento “make the relationship work” and “find a wayto hold the family together,” regardless of abuse.Since so many people accept the misconceptionthat abuse comes from bad relationship dynamics,they see the woman as sharing responsibilityequally for “getting things to go better.” Into thiscontext steps the abuser, telling his partner’sfriends, “I still really want to work things out, butshe isn’t willing to try. I guess it isn’t worth theeffort to her. And she’s refusing to look at her partin what went wrong; she puts it all on me.”What her family and friends may not know isthat when an abused woman refuses to “look ather part” in the abuse, she has actually taken apowerful step out of self-blame and towardemotional recovery. She doesn’t have anyresponsibility for his actions. Anyone who tries toget her to share responsibility is adopting theabuser’s perspective.Despite the challenges, many, many friends and

elatives of abused women stay by them. Theirpresence is critical, for it is the level of loyalty,respect, patience, and support that an abusedwoman receives from her own friends and familythat largely determines her ability to recover fromabuse and stay free. (People wishing to support orassist an abused woman they care about shouldread To Be an Anchor in the Storm by SusanBrewster. See “Resources.”)THERAPISTS AND EVALUATORSWe need to take a large step back in time for amoment, to the early part of Freud’s era, whenmodern psychology was born. In the 1890s, whenFreud was in the dawn of his career, he was struckby how many of his female patients were revealingchildhood incest victimization to him. Freudconcluded that child sexual abuse was one of themajor causes of emotional disturbances in adultwomen and wrote a brilliant and humane paper

called “The Aetiology of Hysteria.” However,rather than receiving acclaim from his colleaguesfor his ground-breaking insights, Freud met withscorn. He was ridiculed for believing that men ofexcellent reputation (most of his patients camefrom upstanding homes) could be perpetrators ofincest.Within a few years, Freud buckled under thisheavy pressure and recanted his conclusions. Intheir place he proposed the “Oedipus complex,”which became the foundation of modernpsychology. According to this theory any younggirl actually desires sexual contact with her father,because she wants to compete with her mother tobe the most special person in his life. Freud usedthis construct to conclude that the episodes ofincestuous abuse his clients had revealed to himhad never taken place; they were simply fantasiesof events the women had wished for when theywere children and that the women had come tobelieve were real. This construct started a

hundred-year history in the mental health field ofblaming victims for the abuse perpetrated on themand outright discrediting of women’s andchildren’s reports of mistreatment by men.Once abuse was denied in this way, the stagewas set for some psychologists to take the viewthat any violent or sexually exploitative behaviorsthat couldn’t be denied—because they weresimply too obvious—should be consideredmutually caused. Psychological literature is thusfull of descriptions of young children who“seduce” adults into sexual encounters and ofwomen whose “provocative” behavior causes mento become violent or sexually assaultive towardthem.I wish I could say that these theories have longsince lost their influence, but I can’t. Apsychologist who is currently one of the mostinfluential professionals nationally in the field ofcustody disputes writes that women provokemen’s violence by “resisting their control” or by

“attempting to leave.” She promotes the Oedipuscomplex theory, including the claim that girlswish for sexual contact with their fathers. In herwriting she makes the observation that young girlsare often involved in “mutually seductive”relationships with their violent fathers, and it is onthe basis of such “research” that some courts haveset their protocols. The Freudian legacy thusremains strong.Hoping to find that the mental health field waschanging for the better, I recently reviewed thecurrent catalogues for various graduateprofessional training programs in clinical andcounseling psychology, including those fromprograms considered to be on the cutting edge. Iwas unable not only to locate a single course onany form of abuse, whether toward partners orchildren, but to locate any reference to abuse inthe descriptions of courses on any other subject. Iproceeded to call one of the schools that trainsclinical psychologists and asked whether they ever

offer any classes on abuse, and was told: “Well, ifthere is a particular interest in that subject amongthe students, they sometimes organize a studentledseminar.”The influence of the history of psychologicalthinking remains particularly potent in the field ofcustody evaluation, where mental healthprofessionals routinely ignore or minimizeallegations of partner abuse and child abuse,assume that women are hysterical and vindictive,and treat all problems as mutual in origin.Custody evaluators sometimes become ferventadvocates for abusive men, joining them inaccusing the women of alienating children fromtheir fathers and refusing to consider the evidenceof abuse.Similar kinds of errors abound in the work ofmany individual and couples therapists. I’ve hadcouples counselors say to me, for example: “Hejust isn’t the type to be abusive; he’s so pleasantand insightful, and she’s so angry.” Women speak

to me with shocked voices of betrayal as they tellme how their couples therapist, or the abuser’sindividual therapist, or a therapist for one of theirchildren, has become a vocal advocate for him anda harsh and superior critic of her. I have saved foryears a letter that a psychologist wrote about oneof my clients, a man who admitted to me that hiswife was covered with blood and had brokenbones when he was done beating her and that shecould have died. The psychologist’s letterridiculed the system for labeling this man a“batterer,” saying that he was too reasonable andinsightful and should not be participating in myabuser program any further. The content of theletter indicated to me that the psychologist hadneglected to ever ask the client to describe thebrutal beating that he had been convicted of.Outside the mainstream of psychologicalthinking there are many, many excellentpractitioners and theorists, ones who take theimpact of trauma and abuse seriously and who

elieve that most victims are telling the truth. Thewritings of theorists and practitioners such asJudith Herman, Bessel van der Kolk, Peter Jaffe,Angela Browne, John Myers, Susan Schechter,Anna Salter, Beverly James, and countless othersserve to counter the hostility toward the oppressedof the prevailing professional atmosphere. I havecome to know dozens of therapists who treatfemale clients with respect and play anempowering role in women’s recovery from abuse.But psychologists who are trained in the area oftrauma remain exceptional, and the battle toreform psychological thinking has just begun.Before selecting a therapist for yourself or for yourchild, be sure to interview possible choicescarefully, exploring their knowledge of and valuesconcerning trauma and abuse. As for conjointcounseling for you and your abusive partner, Irecommend that you strictly avoid it, for reasonsthat we will see further ahead.

AN ABUSER’S NEW PARTNER AS HISLEADING ALLYBack in the first chapter, we met a man namedPaul who had divorced his wife and was nowseeing Laura. Laura felt terrible for Paul becausehe was such a sweet man and his ex-wife wasaccusing him of having abused her. Laura wasdetermined to “be there” for Paul, and evenhoping to help him win custody because his exwifewas “out of control.” Dozens of ex-partnersof my clients have described how the abusiveman’s new partner takes on a role similar toLaura’s: “His girlfriend is worse than he is. Shetalks to me like I’m dirt and she spreads badthings about me. I’d almost rather deal with him. Ithink she puts him up to some of the stuff he does.She’s a bitch.”Perhaps his new partner really is a mean,hostile woman, but there is an equally goodchance that she isn’t. Look through her eyes for a

moment. The abuser is re-creating the samedynamic he set up with you, beginning withloving, attentive treatment in the early months ofdating. He speaks to her with downcast eyes thatwell up with tears as he recounts how mean andunreasonable you were and how you called himabusive whenever he refused to bow to yourcontrol. If you have children with him, hisgirlfriend’s heart is bleeding because he cries infront of her about how much he misses them andsays that you are keeping them away from him outof pure vindictiveness or out of a desire to turnthem over to another man to be their dad. Icurrently have a case, for example, where theabusive father decided not to see his son for sixmonths—he even put his decision in writing, in adocument that I read—and then complainedpublicly that he was being denied visits. Paul hasprobably misled Laura in some similar ways. Hisgirlfriend sees a kind, loving parent whose desireto maintain a relationship with his children is

eing thwarted; how could she not hate you?He may remain on good behavior with his newgirlfriend even longer than he did with youbecause he is motivated by his campaign againstyou. Of course, his other side will slip out sooneror later, but by that time he can blame it all onhow badly you have hurt him. His girlfriend thusgets sucked into breaking her back trying to provethat she’s a good woman—unlike you. She hopesthat if she demonstrates her loyalty to him, he’llbecome loving and available to her once again, ashe was at the beginning. So she wants to showhim she is really there for him by joining with—oreven outdoing—his hostility toward and blamingof you.By the time his selfish and abusive side finallygets so bad that his new girlfriend can’t rationalizeit away any more, she’s in pretty deep. She mayeven have married him by that time. For her toaccept that he is an abuser, she would have to facewhat a terrible wrong she did to you, and that

would be quite a bitter pill to swallow. So whattends to happen instead is that his new partnerbecomes angrier and angrier at you for the wayshe is being treated by him, believing that you“made him this way” by hurting him so badly.A couple of years ago I worked with a womanwho said to me, “I really hated his ex-girlfriend,but now I’m realizing he must have done the samestuff to her he’s doing to me.” Her guilt weighedheavily upon her. Women tend to need a long timebefore they can accept having been used in thisway.In the story of Paul and Laura we never meetPaul’s ex-wife, but I have talked to two dozen ormore women in her position among the expartnersof my clients. It is difficult to capture thepain I hear in the voices of women whose abusiveex-partners are attempting to take their childrenaway from them through the legal system, and thefact that they have a female ally helping themcarry out that nefarious plan is almost too much to

ear. The mothers ask me: “Does she realize whatshe is doing? Has she bothered to think aboutwhat it’s like for a mother to be threatened withlosing her children? What if he turns around yearsfrom now and does the same thing to her?”At the same time, I believe it’s important not tojudge the new partner too harshly. I sometimes sayto women, “You know how manipulative he canbe, and he is sure to be feeding her carefullycrafted distortions. I’m not saying you shouldexcuse her actions, I’m just reminding you that theone behind it all is him, not her. If you pourenergy into hating her, you are inadvertentlyserving his interests.” We do, however, need tocreate a social ethic that makes it clear that anyonewho chooses to go to bat for a man accused ofabuse has a responsibility to get all the facts andnot just the view that he promotes. The abuse ofwomen is simply too rampant for anyone toassume that an allegation is false or exaggeratedwithout checking it out very, very carefully.

Finally, I have had several cases in which theabuser’s new partner was a man who became agunner for the abuser against the abused womanjust as a new female partner sometimes does.Some peer groups of gay men have negativeattitudes toward women and become cheerleadersfor abuse just as straight male peers can.OTHER ABUSERS OF POWER ASALLIES OF ABUSIVE MENYou have undoubtedly come in contact at somepoint in your life with a person driven by a deepattraction to exercising power over others. Partnerabusers have no monopoly on the desire tointimidate or manipulate, or on the skills foraccumulating power and using it for selfishpurposes or emotional gratification. Amongprofessionals, for example—including those whoare expected to respond constructively to abusersand their partners—there are some individuals

who are motivated not by caring and respect butby hunger for control. Not everyone who enterspolice work wishes to be a public servant; thereare those who look forward primarily to carrying agun, pushing their weight around, and beingabove the law. I know many humane judges whotake an interest in the challenges that people faceand seek fair and practical responses. But I watchothers who appear to get satisfaction out ofinsulting those who come before them, dismissingtheir concerns and perspectives, and acting withimpunity. Among therapists there are plentywhose goal is teamwork, while others look downon their clients and speak condescendingly,making pronouncements about what each person“really” thinks, feels, and needs to do. There arecustody evaluators who are eager to lend a handthrough the painful process of divorce, but atragically large number appears to be enamoredwith the power over the lives of men, women, andchildren that their custody recommendations give

them.People who are attracted to power and tend toabuse it have important common ground with aman who abuses women. For example, adictatorial boss is bound to encounter someoccasions when an employee finally gets fed upenough to swear at her, stomp out of the office,and quit. A manager who coerces his femalesubordinates into sexual contact with him may getreported for sexual harassment sooner or later. Theabuser of power feels outraged when his or hervictims attempt to defend themselves in theseways and considers them to be the unreasonable oraggressive ones. So it is not surprising that such aperson, when looking at a woman who iscomplaining of abuse by a man, might have thefollowing thoughts: “This woman is another oneof those people who likes the role of victim. Iknow what they’re like because I have to deal withthem myself: They are never grateful no matterhow much you do for them; they don’t know their

place; and everything turns into an accusation ofmistreatment.” The abuser of power thus maypersonalize the woman’s resistance to oppressionand feel a strong desire to retaliate on behalf of theabusive man, and in fact I have often observed thisdisturbing eagerness among some professionals tojump on abused women with both feet. Theirstatements have sometimes confirmed to me thatthey do indeed have the kind of thought process Ihave just described—coupled of course with theusual myths regarding women’s hystericalexaggerations and their provocation of men’sabuse.A professional who is drawn to abusing powerseems to have particularly strong reactions if thewoman challenges his or her actions in any way orattempts to explain the effects the abuser has hadon her. The underlying attitude sometimes appearsto be: “How dare you continue to attempt to thinkfor yourself when I am here before you with myobviously superior knowledge, status, judgment,

and insight?” An abused woman can walk awayfrom an interaction with such a professionalfeeling like she has just been beaten up, recreatingthe ugliness of the verbal or physicalabuse she has suffered from her partner. A numberof abused women have said to me, for example,“The police came to my house one time after hepushed me around, but they were angry andinsulting to me and kind of buddied up to him,and when I complained about how they weretreating me they told me if I didn’t shut up theywould arrest me.” I have been involved in caseswhere some judges and custody evaluators—bothmale and female—go out of their way to discreditand demean women who report abuse and requestprotection for themselves or their children, and ifthe woman protests the professional response theyexplode into verbally abusing her or retaliatingagainst her. In this way the mentality and tacticsof certain professionals can closely parallel thoseof abusers, and the result is revictimization of the

woman.In some institutions whose own powerdynamics have tended to fall badly on abusedwomen in these ways, such as police departments,courts, and child protective services, socialpressure has brought about the creation ofpositions for abused women’s advocates ordomestic-violence specialists whose job it is tomake sure that the abused woman is notrevictimized by the system that should be there toprotect her rights. If you are involved with one ofthese systems, find out whether an abuse specialistis on staff and, if so, request to bring that personinto your case.ATTORNEYSSome attorneys for abusers are in a class bythemselves. I have rarely seen anyone become asvicious and unprincipled in the role of coabuser ofa man’s partner as certain lawyers do. Woman

after woman has described to me the way her heartbegins to race when she sees the abuser’s attorneyat court or the jolt she feels when court papersprepared by the attorney arrive at her home.An abuser or accused abuser of course has theright to legal representation, as anyone does. Butdoes offering proper legal counsel mean that theattorney needs to insult and deride the woman,make far-fetched accusations against her, treatevery allegation made by the man as gospel truth,and even lie at times to promote his goals? Ofcourse not. However, such conduct is disturbinglywidespread among certain defense attorneys whorepresent accused abusers as well as among somefamily law attorneys handling custody andvisitation cases. Some of this behavior appears tobe motivated by economics: Attorneys can build asuccessful practice if word gets around that theyspecialize in representing accused abusers.Abusers love it when they hear that a certainattorney has a reputation for “really going for the

woman’s jugular,” since that ruthless orientationis in keeping with their own. Women aresometimes as traumatized by their ex-partner’sattorney as they were by him.There is an urgent need for the creation of legalstandards for attorneys who represent accusedabusers, so that a sharp line is drawn betweengiving a man a proper chance to have his sideheard in court, which is his legal right, and actingas a weapon of the man’s abuse, allowing him tocause financial and psychological damage thatwould have been impossible for him without thelawyer’s assistance.THE MYTH OF NEUTRALITYIt is not possible to be truly balanced in one’sviews of an abuser and an abused woman. As Dr.Judith Herman explains eloquently in hermasterwork Trauma and Recovery, “neutrality”actually serves the interests of the perpetrator

much more than those of the victim and so is notneutral. Although an abuser prefers to have youwholeheartedly on his side, he will settlecontentedly for your decision to take a middlestance. To him, that means you see the couple’sproblems as partly her fault and partly his fault,which means it isn’t abuse.I was speaking with a person one day who wasdescribing the abusive relationship of a man andwoman, both of whom were friends of hers. “Theyeach want me to side with them,” she explained tome, “but I refuse to take sides. They have to workout their own dynamics. I have let both of themknow that I’m there for them. If I openlysupported her, he would just dig his heels inharder.” She added, “People need to avoid thetemptation to choose up teams” in a tone thatindicated that she considered herself to be ofsuperior maturity because of her neutrality.In reality, to remain neutral is to collude withthe abusive man, whether or not that is your goal.

If you are aware of chronic or severe mistreatmentand do not speak out against it, your silencecommunicates implicitly that you see nothingunacceptable taking place. Abusers interpretsilence as approval, or at least as forgiveness. Toabused women, meanwhile, the silence means thatno one will help—just what her partner wants herto believe. Anyone who chooses to quietly look theother way therefore unwittingly becomes theabuser’s ally.Breaking the silence does not necessarily meancriticizing or confronting the abuser regarding hisbehavior. It certainly doesn’t mean going to himwith anything you have learned from her, becausethe abuser will retaliate against her for talkingabout his behavior to other people. It does meantelling the abused woman privately that you don’tlike the way he is treating her and that she doesn’tdeserve it, no matter what she has done. And ifyou see or hear violence or threats, it meanscalling the police.

HOW SOCIETY ADOPTS THE ABUSER’SPERSPECTIVEAlmost anyone can become an ally of an abusiveman by inadvertently adopting his perspective.People usually don’t even notice that they aresupporting abusive thinking, or they wouldn’t doit. Let’s examine some of the most common formsof accidental support:• The person who says to the abused woman:“You should show him some compassion even ifhe has done bad things. Don’t forget that he’s ahuman being too.”I have almost never worked with an abusedwoman who overlooked her partner’s humanity.The problem is the reverse: He forgets herhumanity. Acknowledging his abusiveness andspeaking forcefully and honestly about how he hashurt her is indispensable to her recovery. It is theabuser’s perspective that she is being mean to himby speaking bluntly about the damage he has

done. To suggest to her that his need forcompassion should come before her right to livefree from abuse is consistent with the abuser’soutlook. I have repeatedly seen the tendencyamong friends and acquaintances of an abusedwoman to feel that it is their responsibility tomake sure that she realizes what a good person hereally is inside—in other words, to stay focusedon his needs rather than on her own, which is amistake. People who wish to help an abusedwoman should instead be telling her what a goodperson she is.• The person who says to her: “But he’s thefather of your children.”The abusive man uses the children to entrap thewoman in the relationship, saying that she isdepriving them of a father by splitting up thefamily. But he is the one who is keeping thosechildren from having the father they need, byforcing them to grow up with a father who abusestheir mother. Children need an abuse-free home.

• The person who says to her: “You made acommitment, and now you need to stick with itthrough hard times.”The abusive man believes that chronicmistreatment, overt disrespect, intimidation, andeven violence are not good enough reasons for awoman to want to stay away from a man. Whenpeople say to her, “You made your bed; now lie init,” they are supporting the abuser’s value system.• The person who says to her: “You are claimingto be a helpless victim.”If the abuser could hear these words being spokento his partner, he would jump for joy. He mayhave said the very same thing to her. The abuser’sperspective is that the woman exaggerates thehurtfulness of his conduct because she wants thestatus of victim, attributing to her the maneuversthat he is actually fond of using himself. When anabused woman tries to tell you how bad thingsare, listen.

• The person who says: “These abuse activistsare anti-male.”How is it anti-male to be against abuse? Are wesupposed to pretend we don’t notice that theoverwhelming majority of abusers are male? Thisaccusation parallels the abuser’s words to hispartner: “The reason you think I’m abusive isbecause you have a problem with men!” One ofthe best counters to this piece of side-tracking is topoint out how many men are active in combatingthe abuse of women. Remember also that abusedwomen are the sisters, daughters, mothers, andfriends of men; men’s lives are affected by abuse,because it happens to women we know and careabout.I HAVE GIVEN just a few of the dozens ofexamples I have encountered of how people takeon the abuser’s view of his abuse. When you hearthese kinds of statements, draw the speaker’s

attention to the fact that he or she is making theabuser’s arguments for him. Most people don’twant to carry his banner and will drop it quicklyonce you show them what is in their hands.It is impossible for a community to stop abusewhile continuing to assist or ignore abusers at thesame time. Protecting or enabling an abuser is asmorally repugnant as the abuse itself. Thiscritical concept needs to become firmly embeddedin our culture. Colluding with abuse abandons theabused woman and her children, and ultimatelyabandons the abuser as well, since it keeps himfrom ever dealing with his problem. In particularwe have to bring to light the actions of thosepowerful, well-trained professionals who chooseto join the abuser in his goals and tactics. If wecan erode the ability of abusers to gain allies, theywill stand alone, and alone they are easier to stop.It often falls to the abused woman herself,unfortunately, to try to educate the people aroundher whose help and support she needs, so that they

will understand the dynamics of abuse and stopsupporting the abusive man. Much of why anabuser is so able to recruit allies, besides his ownmanipulativeness and charm, is his skill inplaying on people’s ignorance and misconceptionsand often on their negative attitudes towardwomen. As difficult as it is to take on, you willoften find yourself having to be your own bestadvocate, arguing forcefully against the range ofways in which your society’s values may buy intothe abusive man’s outlook, in order to gain thekind of strong backing that you deserve from allthose around you.KEY POINTS TO REMEMBERWhen people take a neutral standbetween you and your abusive partner,they are in effect supporting him andabandoning you, no matter how much

they may claim otherwise.People cannot claim to be opposed topartner abuse while assisting their ownson, brother, friend, or partner in hisabusiveness toward a woman.Everyone should be very, very cautious inaccepting a man’s claim that he has beenwrongly accused of abuse or violence.The great majority of allegations of abuse—though not all—are substantiallyaccurate. And an abuser almost never“seems like the type.”The argument that “he is a human being,too, and he deserves emotional support”should not be used as an excuse tosupport a man’s abusiveness. Our societyshould not buy into the abusive man’sclaim that holding him accountable is anact of cruelty.

12The Abusive Man and the Legal SystemHe’s on probation for hitting me, but heacts like it’s a big joke.He’s been arrested four times, but healways gets off.I called the police and reported that heviolated the restraining order, but theysaid since he didn’t get violent orthreatening this time, the violation is toominor for them to do anything about it.The D.A. wants me to testify, but there’sno way I’m going in that courthouseagain. Last time his defense attorneyhumiliated me; it’s just not worth it.

The judge told me that we should go tocouples counseling to work on ourrelationship issues.He’s been sending me scary letters fromjail. What should I do?LURKING BENEATH THE SURFACE of mostwomen’s experience of abuse is fear: fear of whathe will do if you stand up to him; fear of how hewill react if he finds out you’ve been spendingtime with your friends, whom he hates; fear ofwhat he might do to one of your children; fear thathe will get you pregnant again; fear of how hemay retaliate if you try to leave him.Sometimes a woman can describe to me whatshe is afraid of, because her partner’s bullying andcruelty follow a pattern. You may dread his insultsand his rage or his contempt and disgust. If he isviolent, you may get shaky when images gothrough your mind of his twisted, hate-filled faceas he slams his fists. At times it may seem like he

could kill you—and he may threaten to.In other cases, the fear is unnameable. Youmight find yourself saying to a friend: “I don’tknow what he’ll do; there’s no way to tell withhim, but he’ll do something, and it’s going to bebad.” Waiting for the punishment can be evenharder when you don’t know what it will be. Eventhe abuser who has never used violence knowsthat there can always be a first time—and he maywell be aware that you know that too. So he looksfor ways, perhaps explicit or perhaps enigmatic, toremind you not to “push him too far,” because youwon’t want to see what happens.The impact of fear accumulates over time. Thetwentieth time a loved one scares you is not thesame as the first. You become enraged, orparalyzed, or numb, or all of those at the sametime. You feel like it’s harder and harder to figureout what to do.If your partner is physically frightening orsexually assaultive, one option you can consider to

gain protection for your rights and safety is to usethe legal system. You can call the police to reportan assault or a threat, or go to a court and ask for arestraining order (which also may be known as a“protective order” or “peace bond”). Therestraining order may require the abuser to moveout of the house, even if it is in his name; to stayaway from you; or to have no contact with you ofany kind, depending on what arrangement you feelyou need.The first time a woman considers involving thepolice or courts in her relationship, somethinginside her rebels. This is a man she loves, or atleast once loved, with whom she has a history,with whom she has shared the highs and lows ofmoments of physical or emotional intimacy, withwhom she may have children. She thinks toherself incredulously, I am going to get a courtorder against this man? I am going to call thepolice and let them arrest him? I am going tocause him to have a criminal record, or perhaps

even go to jail?? She shuts these preposterousseemingpossibilities out of her mind.Relationship problems are solved by talking, orby seeking counseling, or by taking some timeapart, she tells herself, not by using laws andjudges and police departments.But if the woman’s partner continues to frightenher—and it is unusual for scary behavior to stoponce it rears its head—sooner or later she findsherself feeling that the situation has gone beyondwhat she can handle herself. The step of reachingout for legal help then stops seeming so farfetched.Or she may become involved with the legalsystem without making the choice. Neighbors,bystanders, or her own children may call thepolice during a scary incident. Neighbors aremuch less likely nowadays to put their hands overtheir ears and pretend that nothing is happening;the traditional belief that domestic violence is a“private matter” is rapidly fading. Schools nowteach children how to use 911 and sometimes even

explain to children that they have a right to safetyinside their homes, not just outside.A woman who faces purely verbal or economicabuse from her partner, without the elements ofphysical assault, sexual assault, or physicalintimidation, generally does not have recourse tothe police or courts under current laws. Theimpact on her of her partner’s behavior may besevere nonetheless, but she will need to seek othersources of support, beginning with the nearestprogram for abused women.QUESTION 17:HOW COME HE KEEPSGETTING AWAY WITH IT?THE DIFFERENT PLAYERS IN THELEGAL SYSTEM

A call to the police or a visit to the court to seek arestraining order is a courageous and potentiallyempowering step. But an abused woman can alsoencounter some nasty surprises. Although thelegal system is supposed to be her friend andprotector, sometimes public officials seem toforget their job. Legal responses to abuse involvemany players, each of whom has the potential tohelp the woman—or to drop the ball. When policeare called to your home, they have a responsibilityto make sure that you and your children are safeand to arrest the abuser if he has been violent orthreatening. If he has violated a restraining order,the police should take him away even if he “onlycommitted a technical violation” of the order orhas some “good reason” for being there, such asasserting that you called him up and asked him tocome over, or that he just wanted to drop off giftsfor the children.If the police do not arrest the abuser, or werenever called, responsibility next falls to the court

to file a charge. If you report to the court that youwere assaulted or threatened, or that your partnerbroke a restraining order, your word is evidence.Courts can, and do, file charges on the basis ofvictim reports alone, but tragically they can bereluctant to do so in cases of domestic abuse orsexual assault. Courts reserve a special skepticismtoward women who complain of abuse by apartner, and disparaging biases against femalesare still the rule of the day in some courts—evenamong female employees.If the court does file a charge, the baton thenpasses to the district attorney. His or her job is totake the crime just as seriously as if it had beencommitted by a stranger and to pursue aconviction just as assiduously. The fact that theaccused is your partner should make no differenceor should actually lead the prosecutor to considerthe offense more dangerous. Negotiations betweenthe prosecutor and the abuser that fail to addressthe central issue of abuse—such as agreeing to

educe the charges if the abuser sees a therapist, ordropping the charges because the couple has splitup “so it’s not an issue anymore”—have no placehere. But they sometimes creep in.Next comes the judge, who not only makessentencing decisions but, unless there is a jurytrial, also is the one ruling on the man’s guilt orinnocence. Will the judge apply the samestandards of proof used for other cases, or will heor she require a higher standard for domesticviolence or sexual assault cases? Studies haveshown that it is harder to convince judges andjuries to convict in abuse cases, because ofprejudices against the complainants as well asmisconceptions about what “type” of man wouldcommit such a crime.A judge is also the one who grants or denies arestraining order to protect the woman. Somejudges listen carefully to plaintiffs’ concerns,whereas others assume that women are lying andexaggerating. A remarkable number of judges

grant restraining orders to abusers to use againsttheir victims or grant mutual orders, whichvalidate the abuser’s claim that his partner sharesresponsibility for causing his scary behavior.And finally comes the probation department atthe court. It is rare for an abuser to spend time injail unless he is on his third or fourth conviction,which typically would mean five or ten or morearrests. So his probation officer becomes theperson who determines whether or not the abuserfeels the bite of consequences or is left to coast. Ihave worked with probation officers who sendabusers an unequivocal message: “Domesticabuse is a serious offense. I will not permit you toget away with blaming your victim in any way,and it is up to you to do some serious work onyourself.” But I have also worked with manyothers who buddy up to the abuser with a winkand a nod, who bond with him in the belief thatthere exists an anti-male bias in the court systemand who signal him that he needn’t take the

abuser program seriously by saying things suchas: “Just show up to your required number ofgroup meetings and we’ll get you right offprobation.”The front doors of police departments andcourthouses sometimes open into cold andadversarial worlds. Police and courts may havelittle training in how to respond to a person whohas suffered chronic or terrifying abuse. Even ifthey don’t say or do anything unkind, theirbrusque, businesslike manner can feel like an icyslap in the face to a woman who seeks relief frompsychological assault and intimidation at home.And too often, regrettably, they share the abuser’sattitudes. I could not possibly count the number ofwomen who have said to me: “I wish those peopledown at the court could live my life for a day andsee what it’s like.”On the other hand a kind word, a usefulpamphlet, some patient listening can touch anabused woman deeply. Increasingly I hear women

say: “The police who came were so nice to me:They talked to me in private and asked me whathappened, and they told me about programs whereI could get help,” or “The judge said not tohesitate to come back if there were more problemsor if I needed additional protection.” When anabused woman encounters humane, intelligentresponses from officials who are informed on thesubject of abuse, not only is her external freedompromoted but her inner feelings are validated,helping to keep her spirit alive. She walks awaythinking, Maybe everything isn’t the way he saysit is. Maybe some people do care. Maybe I’m notso bad as to deserve being torn down all the time.Maybe he can’t fool everybody.” And the buddingbelief that life can be filled with something otherthan cruelty and superiority grows a little strongerinside her.In the pages ahead, we will look at how theabuser views and maneuvers through the legalsystem, trying to prevent his partner from

eceiving empowering assistance and striving toavoid accountability. Armed with this awareness,both individuals and communities are in a betterposition to press the police, courts, andprosecutors to do their jobs properly and becomepart of the solution rather than part of the problemof abuse.HOW THE ABUSER THINKS ABOUTLAWS AND CONSEQUENCESMy clients support laws that prohibit domesticabuse—as long as they are applied only to othermen. Each one has a mental image of what a “realabuser” is like, and it isn’t him. In his mind, the“real abuser” is more violent and scary than he isand has a partner who is “a nice lady” whodoesn’t deserve abuse. Dozens of my clients havesaid to me: “I’m not like those guys who comehome and abuse their partners for no reason, youknow.” A man who minimizes and excuses his

abuse in these ways is shocked when the policearrest him or when a court orders him to vacate hishome. He feels outraged at the unfairness of thesystem. He thinks, With all those horriblebatterers out there, why are they coming afterme? This is ridiculous!Since he can’t accept the idea that he is abusive,he has to find something wrong with everyone else—another example of the abuser seeing his dirtyface and washing the mirror. His thinking is rifewith distortions, including the following:• “She really exaggerated what I did.”His first line of mental defense is to impugn herhonesty and accuse her of being calculating: “Shetold the police I punched her in the face, becauseshe knew that would make me look like a real badguy. I only slapped her, and no harder than sheslaps me.” My response to such statements is tosay that just because she remembers the incidentdifferently doesn’t mean her version is wrong andhis is right; in fact, abused women typically have

memories of what occurred that are clearer andmore accurate than those of the abuser, because ofthe hyperalert manner in which people react to anydanger. And even if this time he is technicallyright that his hand was open, what difference doesit make? He obviously hit her hard enough tomake her think that she was punched, so he is nota candidate for my sympathy. Besides, even if itwas a slap, that’s enough to hurt a woman and puther in fear.• “The judge didn’t even want to hear about whatshe did. In court the man is automatically wrong,so the woman can do whatever she wants.”The abuser feels justified in using intimidation“when it’s really called for,” so he gets frustratedif he finds that court officials do not find hisexcuses about her behavior compelling or don’teven want to hear them. He feels that if the courtis going to take action against him forintimidating her, then it should simultaneouslycrack down on her for hanging around with

friends of hers whom he dislikes, talking back tohim when he tells her to shut up, fighting backphysically when he is assaulting or threateningher, or whatever his grievances may be.• “The system is controlled by women.”Every aspect of the multipronged legal systemeven today is dominated by males: police,prosecutors, judges, probation officers. Inaddition, the state legislatures that make the lawsare still disproportionately male. So how does theabuser come to the far-fetched conclusion thatwomen are somehow lurking in the shadows,pulling strings to cause him to sufferconsequences for his actions when he thinks thereshouldn’t be any? This absurd leap occurs for tworeasons. One is that he already has wellentrenchedhabits of blaming women for his ownbehavior. So when society sends him the messagethat he is responsible for what he does, he justwidens the scope of his blame-projecting machineto target all women. The second is that if he didn’t

lame women, he would have to accept the factthat a large proportion of men are opposed to whathe is doing. Cultural values are changing, slowlybut surely, and abusers cannot always count onother men to back them up anymore—a fact thatmakes them feel betrayed so they close their eyesto it.• “I’ve never experienced any consequences formy abuse before. It isn’t going to suddenlyhappen now.”Once the abuser recovers from his initial shock atlegal intrusion into his private domain, he fallsback on one of his core assumptions, which is thathe can get away with it. He starts manipulatingcourt officials the same way he manipulates hispartner and the people around her. Unfortunately,his sense of invulnerability is not as deluded as itmay seem; abusers slide by in ways that can bestartling to watch. And the abuser who coaststhrough court is often worse than he would havebeen had he never been arrested; he feels that his

elief that nothing can stick to him has beenconfirmed, and he feels vindicated before theworld, with the result that his abusive behaviormay escalate.• “Nothing is going to stop me.”This last attitude is less pervasive, belonging tothat minority of abusers who are unimpressed bylegal consequences and who will stop at nothingto maintain their control of their partners. Thisstyle of man finds ways to be abusive andcontrolling even from jail, either sending letters orrelaying messages through friends to keep herfrightened. Jail doesn’t convince him that he hasdone anything wrong; it just sharpens his appetitefor revenge. Abused women, and the communitiesthat support them, need to be alert to the need totake additional steps to prepare for the eventualrelease of the hell-bent abuser.Keep the above attitudes in mind as we observethe abuser’s approach to the various legalsituations he faces; his moves follow predictably

from this thinking.WHEN THE POLICE COME TO THEDOORAnyone who believes that abusers lose control ofthemselves should peer through the window whenthe police enter a home. Hundreds of women havetold me: “It’s as if he could flick a switch. Thepolice arrive, and he’s suddenly cool as acucumber. Meanwhile, I’m freaking out, so ofcourse they think something is wrong with me.They don’t believe he could settle down that fast.”If abusers truly had tremendous problemsmanaging their anger, if they were as emotionallyvulnerable or deeply injured from childhood asthey often maintain, they wouldn’t be able to shutthemselves off like a faucet as soon as a copknocks on the door.Abusers tell stories to the police of hard luckand misunderstanding, of unstable or drunk

women and helpless, well-intentioned men whoare trying to fend off disaster. The most commonroutines are variations on the following themes:• “It was just a verbal argument, there was nohitting.”He hopes that the police will ignore any signs ofchairs knocked over, plates smashed, or scratcheson her arms (or his). He assumes his partner willbe too scared to tell the truth or that she’ll feelresponsible for protecting him.• “She was hitting me over and over again while Itried to get out of the apartment, and all I did waspush her out of my way so I could get out.”How many women want to keep an enraged mantrapped indoors? Not many, unless perhaps theman is threatening to commit suicide or to attackone of her friends or relatives. In the rare caseswhere a client of mine is telling the truth that hisegress was blocked, he still had other optionsbesides assault, including going out the back door.

I’ve never yet had a man tell me that he wasunable to get to the phone to call for assistance, forexample, in the way that has happened tohundreds of the female partners of my clients.Countless clients of mine claim self-defense asan excuse, but then they admit that they were notfrightened or injured by their partners nor was thewoman able to successfully control theirmovements or keep them from saying whateverthey wanted. It’s payback, not self-defense.Among the two thousand clients I have had, I canthink of only one who genuinely had a problemwith serious violence on his wife’s part that wasnot a reaction to violence, and even he was notespecially afraid of her.• “She was drunk and was going out to drive, andI was just trying to get the keys away from her.”This excuse is a tricky one, because abusedwomen sometimes do develop alcohol or drugproblems, usually because of the abuser’sbehavior. However, her addiction is no excuse to

abuse her further. Unfortunately, if a woman isvisibly intoxicated when the police come, theymay feel inclined to believe the abuser anddiscredit her. If I ask a few questions, though, Iusually find out that the reason she was trying toleave the house was that he had been on amounting verbal rampage that day, and she wastrying to get away from a physical assault that shecould tell was coming soon.• “She said that if I didn’t give her more money,she’d call the police and say that I hit her.”I have heard this story from so many of my clientsthat I find myself wondering if they are allgraduates of the same Abuse Academy. I have yetto encounter a case in which there turned out to beany truth to this claim, even when the man wasasserting at first that he had witnesses.• “I just stepped in to protect our child from herabuse.”Again, a situation in which a nonabusive man had

to take physical steps to protect a child from anassaultive mother could truly arise, but he woulddo so by removing the child, not by assaulting themother.Carrying false allegations of domestic violenceall the way through to a conviction isextraordinarily hard to do. If a vindictive womanreally wants to stick it to a man, there are ways todo it that are more satisfying, less timeconsuming, and far less prone to failure. Thereisn’t the slightest evidence that rates of falseallegations for domestic abuse are higher than forany other kind of crime. In fact, research suggeststhat they may be lower.When an abuser is accused of violating arestraining order, he has another set ofexplanations ready, including:• “It’s just a coincidence that we were there atthe same time. I had no idea she would bepresent.”In determining the legitimacy of this excuse, I

have noticed that men who are determined to obeytheir restraining orders always seem to find waysto stay away from the woman, whereas otherabusers seem to “just by accident” keep violatingthe order over and over again.• “I didn’t realize I wasn’t allowed to even send aletter.”Even when this excuse is true, it shows the man’scontempt for both his partner and for the court,since it means he didn’t bother to read the order.And he doesn’t need an attorney to analyze thestatement “Do not contact the plaintiff.”• “I just called to speak to the children because Imiss them terribly.I haven’t had visitation with them in twomonths.”No excuse pulls heartstrings down at the policedepartment and courthouse quite the way this onedoes. Several of my clients who have used thisexcuse actually did have visitation rights but were

choosing not to use them because they didn’t likethe terms. They stated: “If I can only see them oneafternoon a week, or if I have to see them with asupervisor, I’m not going to see them at all.” Somuch for the devoted fathers they claim to be.Even in cases where the mother or the court hasindeed denied the abuser visitation, he knowsperfectly well what he is doing when he calls thehome and the feelings of fear and invasion it willcause the mother. If his concern for his children isas profound as he claims, he can prove it by doingwhat his children need from him the most—dealseriously with his abuse problem.WHEN THE POLICE go to a home on adomestic-abuse call, the woman sometimesscrambles to cover for her abusive partner.Consider her position: She knows that in a fewminutes the police will leave her house and shewill remain there alone, either with the abuser orwithout him. If the police do arrest him, it is only

a matter of time until he is released—and angrierthan ever. She calculates that her safest position isbeside her partner; if she teams up with him, hemight not rip her to pieces when the police cardisappears up the street. Even if she called forhelp herself, she wasn’t necessarily looking for anarrest; most women call to get a scary experienceto stop. They want the police to calm the mandown and typically would like him removed fromthe home for the night. But jail, even just for a dayor two? Few women would want to see thathappen unless they have suffered a long history ofabuse by him.At the same time, women are noticeably morelikely to tell the truth to the police than they werefifteen years ago. Although the abuser may say,“You put me in jail!”, the reality is that he puthimself there, and an increasing number of peopleare beginning to understand this crucial point.Why should you have to suffer abuse to protecthim from the pain or humiliation of being locked

up? He knows what he needs to change in order tokeep the police from being called the next time.It’s on him.I am not recommending that you stand by idlywhile the police arrest your partner if you fear thathe may kill you when he gets out. Every womanhas to make her own decisions based on what sheknows about the status of her own safety; you arethe expert on your own partner. You may knowfrom your experience that the legal system is notgoing to be able to control his behavior and thatyou will have to seek alternate strategies forsafety, such as planning an escape.SHOULD I GET A RESTRAININGORDER?Throughout almost all of the United States andCanada, a woman who is being physically abused,sexually assaulted, or physically threatened by anintimate partner or ex-partner has the option to

seek an order of protection from a court to keepthe abuser away from her. (Purely psychologicalabuse without these elements of threat or assault isgenerally not covered under the laws governingprotective orders.) In some areas there areimportant gaps in eligibility, however, such asstates where a woman cannot get an order againsta lesbian partner who is abusing her or cannot getan order if she has never lived with or beenmarried to the abuser. There are also places where,regrettably, the woman is required to pay asubstantial fee in order to obtain the order. Calleither the courthouse or your local program forabused women to find out whether you are eligibleto seek an order and what the process is forobtaining one.The question of whether and when to obtain arestraining order is a complex one that no one cananswer for you. Consider the following points inmaking your decision:

1. Is he afraid of the police, courts, or jail?If he is, the restraining order may keephim away from you. But if he has nofear, the order may incite him to getscarier than ever. I have had clients whoresponded to a restraining order as a redflag waved in front of a bull.2. Is your main concern that he willintimidate you, attempt to hit you, orhassle you verbally, or are you afraid hewill do something even more serious,such as attempt to kill you? Restrainingorders can be helpful for stoppingharassment and nonlethal assault butmay not be worth a great deal instopping an abuser whose intentions aremurderous. If you fear the worst, it isimportant to take multiple steps toprotect your safety (see “SafetyPlanning” in Chapter 9), which caninclude a restraining order as one aspect

of a larger plan, and even then only ifyou think it will contribute to yoursafety.3. Are the police and courts in your areasupportive? Are they likely to takeserious action if he violates the order?Will they believe you if you report aviolation to them? A restraining ordercan do more harm than good if the legalsystem is not prepared to back you up.I have seen cases where restraining orders havecontributed greatly to women’s safety and peace ofmind and have helped immeasurably in women’sefforts to move on with their lives and be free. Buteach abusive man is different. I have beeninvolved in cases where the woman regrettedgetting the order because it made her life evenscarier. If possible, speak with an advocate forabused women before making a decision aboutseeking an order. And whether or not you choose

to request a restraining order, also make sure totake other steps to protect your safety. Arestraining order should be one part of a largersafety plan (see “Leaving an Abuser Safely” inChapter 9).IF THEY DO ARREST HIM, WHATTHEN?Once an abuser is released from jail followingarraignment, he typically devotes his efforts toachieving the following goals: (1) persuading thewoman to drop the charges and not to testify ifcharges do proceed; and(2) receiving the lightestpossible consequence from the court.One of my early clients, a large biker namedPhil, introduced me to many of the tactics thatpredominate during this period. He joined myabuser group voluntarily following an arrest forassaulting his girlfriend, Betty. He was fairlyunpleasant in the early weeks of his participation,

ecause of his arrogance and his “I don’t give adamn about anything” posture. But he softened asthe weeks went by and began to make appropriatecomments to other group members about theirabuse. Betty reported that she was seeing a side ofPhil that had disappeared for several years: Hewas calmer, he was listening to her more whenshe talked, and he was walking away fromarguments instead of frightening her. Even moreimportant to her was that he had stopped by hersister’s house one afternoon and made an effort tobegin mending fences after two years of refusingto talk to her and insisting that she was a “bitch.”And Betty was happy to hear that his attendanceat and participation in our program were good.Two things had happened, however, that leftBetty confused. One day they had gotten into atense argument, which had been uncommon lately,and he had yelled at her: “I have all these courthassles now because you decided to go and callthe fucking police on me.” This jab didn’t seem to

e consistent with the remorse he was showing onother days. However, he apologized the next dayand referred to his own behavior as “backsliding.”A couple of weeks later, in another tenseexchange, he said to Betty in a low growl, “If yougo forward with testifying against me, you aregoing to be really sorry.” Later he insisted that hehad just meant that she would feel guilty fortreating him “like a criminal,” but Betty continuedto feel that he had meant something more.By the date of his hearing, Phil had put morethan three good months together in a row. Bettyreported this change in him to the judge, and Phildescribed his involvement in our program, sayingthat he had accepted that he had a problem heneeded to work on. The judge was impressed thatPhil had gotten into counseling on his owninitiative without waiting for the court to mandatehis attendance. The charges were dismissed.Phil and Betty walked down the courthousesteps together before heading off toward their

separate cars. As they parted, Phil gave a smilethat looked more like a sneer and said, “Well, Iguess that’s it for Mr. Nice Guy.” And he meantit. He never set foot in his abuser group again andovernight reverted to his habitual mistreatment ofBetty.After watching a steady trickle of clients in ourprogram follow in Phil’s footsteps, we finallyadopted a policy of not allowing men to join ourprogram between an arrest and the date of thecourt disposition. We didn’t want to be anothertool used by abusers to manipulate their partnersand escape legal consequences.Women often berate themselves for notfollowing through with prosecution. A womanmay say to me: “What an idiot I was. I don’t knowwhy the hell I believed his promises. I should havegone ahead and testified. Now look at the messI’m in.” If you have had occasion to dump onyourself in this fashion, stop for a moment andconsider: Why is it your fault that he is so

persuasive, that he knows so well how to muddleyour mind, that he has collected information overthe years about your vulnerabilities and knowshow to play them? How are you to blame for howmanipulative he is? The reason it takes so long tofigure out an abuser is that he knows how to keephimself hidden in constantly shifting shadows. Ifabusers were so easy to figure out, there would beno abused women.In counties where abused women find a courtsystem that is well trained in abuse and sensitiveto their circumstances, and where victimadvocates are actively involved, 80 percent ormore go forward with testifying. If you can’t standdealing with a system that doesn’t understandyour needs, that isn’t a shortcoming of yours.Also, remember that your decision to drop arestraining order or criminal charges doesn’t meanyou can’t try again to use legal protections in thefuture (although you may encounter prejudiceagainst you from the police or the courts if you

have started actions and dropped them in thepast).THE COURT HANDS DOWN ASENTENCEMy physically violent clients seem to have ninelives when it comes to staying out of jail. Throughdozens of interactions I have had over the yearswith probation officers, magistrates, prosecutors,and judges, it has become clear to me that courtshave been regrettably slow to free themselves ofthe beliefs that any man is “bound to lose it sooneror later if his wife pushes him far enough,” that“alcohol is what really causes partner abuse,” orthat “women frequently exaggerate partner abuseout of hysteria or vindictiveness.” These persistentattitudes can dovetail with the abusive man’snative ability to lie convincingly and elicitsympathy.Sentences for the violence that men do to their

wives or girlfriends are shorter on average thanthose they receive for assaults on strangers, eventhough partner violence causes more seriousinjuries and deaths than male-on-male fights do.Courts don’t want to send abusers to jail, becausethey consider them a special class of offenderswho deserve unusual compassion and becausethey often accept victim-blaming justifications formen’s violence.Old attitudes die hard. A few years ago, a judgeapproached me after a judicial training session Ihad given and said, “All right, I understand aboutthese men who beat their partners black and blue,who punch them in the face and put them in thehospital. But how about the guy who just gives hiswife a push or a shove once in a while? I can’ttreat him like he’s a batterer. You didn’t explainwhat judges should do in those cases.” I attemptedto explain how shocking and intimidating a man’sshove can be to a woman, but I could tell his mindwas already closed.

I’ve seen judges who were worse than this one,who seem angrier at the woman for reporting theviolence than they are at the man for perpetratingit. But I have worked with others who lookcarefully at the evidence, listen respectfully to allparties, and make a decision based on fact insteadof prejudice. In cases where the man is foundguilty, they speak to him in strong terms about theseriousness of his offense, reject his excuses, andimpose a punishment that fits the crime.I have spoken with judges who like to give anabuser a strong verbal admonition instead ofimposing some sanctions, in the belief that a sternwarning from a judge can make an abuser realizethat he has to stop. But in reality, the manconsiders the judge’s lecture a joke if no sentencecomes with it. He puts on a chastised expressionfor the court but then smiles all the way home,smug and empowered. I see the emboldeningeffects of such court dates on my clients.I am not an advocate of long sentences for

abusers, however. Abusers spend much of theirtime in jail brooding over their grievances againstthe abused women and plotting their revenge.Men’s jails do not help them to overcome theiroppressive attitudes toward women; in fact, theyare among the more anti-female environments onthe planet. Yet courts are going to have toovercome their reluctance to send abusers to jail ifthey ever want them to sit up and take notice. Ashort jail sentence, combined with a long postjailperiod of probation and participation in an abuserprogram, can provide powerful motivation for anabuser to deal with his problem. Jail timeinvolving at least a few weekends—so that theman can continue bringing in income for hisfamily—should be imposed on his first convictionfor any offense related to domestic abuse. Eachsubsequent offense should lead to a longersentence and a higher fine than the previous one,following the principle of “staircased” sentencingthat is often applied to drunk driving.

Unfortunately, this type of approach is rare atpresent.An important part of the sentence for any manconvicted of domestic abuse should be anextended period—not less than a year—ofparticipation in a specialized abuser program. Theabuser program cannot be replaced bypsychotherapy or anger management, as thoseservices are not designed to address the range ofbehaviors that make up abuse and the coreattitudes that drive them (see Chapter 3). InChapter 14, we will examine how a competentabuser program works and how to evaluate thestrengths and weaknesses of a particular programin your area.THE ABUSER ON PROBATIONI used to supervise an excellent young abusecounselor named Patrick. He was fiery andcourageous, but both he and the group clients

were always aware of his youth—he was twentythreeand looked about nineteen—and his smallsize. We assumed that sooner or later one of themore violent abusers would try to intimidate him.Sure enough, one day when Patrick was layingdown the law with a client about his disruptivebehavior in the group, the man demanded thatPatrick “step outside” so that they could fight. Hisbody posture demonstrated how much he relishedthe opportunity to use his fists. Patrick politelydeclined the offer, however, and told the abuser toleave the room. The client considered his optionsand decided to storm out without hitting anyone.We reported the incident to the court and waitedto see how quickly this man would be jailed forthreatening the counselor at his court-mandatedabuse program. Imagine our astonishment whenwe heard from the chief probation officer twoweeks later that she had called the man in to givehim “some strong talk” and then had instructedhim to enroll in another abuser program. In other

words, his “consequence” was that he got out ofcompleting our program. I had a similarexperience with the same court in a case where wesuspected that one of our clients was abusing hisprescription pain medication. We requestedpermission to speak to the prescribing doctor, butthe client refused. His probation officer was soonringing my telephone and sputtering angrily that aclient’s prescription medication was none of ourbusiness. The probation officer then proceeded todeclare to me unabashedly that his painmedication was prescribed by the same doctor.(No wonder he didn’t want us examining thematter too closely.)My clients have no problem figuring outwhether or not their probation officers considerdomestic abuse a serious crime. Each man triesout his excuses and justifications to see how fertilethe ground is; the more space the probation officergives him for whining and victim blaming, theless strict he knows the supervision will be. The

probation officer’s attitude regarding domesticviolence is, in turn, largely a reflection of the toneset by the chief probation officer, just as I haveobserved to be true in police departments. When Iwork with courts that have pro-victim probationdepartments, the majority of men they refercooperate with my program and complete all therequirements. But when the sympathies of theprobation department lie primarily with the abuser—as seemed to be true in the court describedabove—the men present recurring behavior,attitude, and attendance problems, and I have tokeep kicking guys out of the program fornoncooperation. Why? Because they have alreadyfigured out that getting terminated isn’t likely tolead to serious consequences at that court, so theywould rather not put up with an abuser programthat challenges them.When an abuser finds that he can manipulate orbond with his probation officer, he not only paintsa twisted picture of the abused woman but also

employs his divide-and-conquer strategy withrespect to the abuser program. “I know what I didwas wrong,” he says, “and I really want to workon myself. But over at the abuse group they don’thelp us change; they just tell us that we’re terriblepeople and everything we say is wrong. They justhate men over there, and they take it out on us.”The probation officer then calls me to relay theman’s complaint. My response has always been:“Come over some night and sit in on two or threeof our groups. You’ll see for yourself what weoffer.” One probation officer did in fact visit a fewgroups and then started attending regularly onceper month. He caught on quickly to what a patientand educational approach we actually take withabusers, and he became impossible to manipulateafter that.The abuser’s distortions regarding the abuserprogram follow the same lines of his thinkingabout his partner. If I tell a loquacious client thathe can’t dominate the entire group discussion and

needs to be quiet for a while, he tells his probationofficer, “The counselors say we can only listen andwe’re not allowed to talk at all.” If I set limits on aman’s disruptiveness in the group, he turns in hisseat, drops his head like a victim, and sayssarcastically, “Right, I get it: We’re alwayswrong, and the women are always right.” If Iterminate a man from the program after threewarnings for inappropriate behavior, he says, “Ifwe don’t tell you exactly what you want to hear,you kick us out, and you don’t give anyone asecond chance.” His twisted reports on ourstatements provide important glimpses into howhe discredits his partner at home—and why shemay feel so angry, frustrated, and ready to scream.EFFORTS TO BONDAs the abuser encounters each new player in thelegal system, he tries to make a personalconnection. With men he relies on “male

onding,” making jokes about women or seekingsympathy based on anti-female stereotypes. Withwomen he experiments with flattery andflirtatiousness, or tries to learn private details ofpeople’s lives so that he can show concern withstatements such as: “I heard your daughter hasbeen sick. How is she doing?” The unspokenmessage running through these efforts is: “See,I’m not an abuser, I’m just a likable, ordinaryperson like you, and I want to be your friend.” Myclients attempt to run the same routines at theabuser program, so I come to know them well.USING THE LEGAL SYSTEM FOR HISOWN PURPOSESOver the fifteen years I have worked with abusivemen, I have seen my clients become increasinglyshrewd at getting the police and the courts to workon their behalf. Abused women are arrested muchmore commonly than when I began, as abusers

have learned to use their own injuries from a fightto support claims of victimization. I find that themore violent an abusive man is, the more likely heis to come out of a fight with some injuries of hisown, as his terrified partner kicks, swings herarms, and scratches in her efforts to get away fromhim. But some police take a look at the abuser’sinjuries and say: “Well, we’re going to arrest her,because he’s got scratches.”Abusers have also learned to rush to the courtfor restraining orders before their partners get achance to do so and sometimes scoop up custodyof their children in the process. It would bedifficult to find anyone more self-satisfied than theman who repeatedly assaults his partner verballyor physically and then has the pleasure of handingher a court order that bars her from the residence.And of course the shock to the woman ofdiscovering that the court has kicked her when shewas already down can propel her several moreyards in the direction of resignation and bitterness.

But, fortunately, the story need not end there forthe abused woman.SURVIVING THE LEGAL SYSTEMDespite the confidence and superiority of abusersand the regressive attitudes of some police andcourt officials that still persist, tremendousprogress has been made in the legal system’sresponse to domestic abuse. Hundreds ofthousands of women per year succeed in obtainingorders of protection from courts, and a largeproportion of those orders accomplish what thewoman is seeking: restoration of her safety and adesperately needed break from the abuser. Manystates now mandate the police to arrest abusers indomestic-abuse cases, and district attorneys oftenare diligent in pursuing convictions.If you choose to use the police or courts forprotection—or if you are cast into the legal systembecause of a call made by a neighbor or relative—

here are some principles to tuck away in yoursurvival kit:• Ask for help, ask for help, ask for help.I can’t say it enough. Dealing with the police andcourts can leave you feeling isolated, afraid, anddisempowered. Some women decide, after gettinga taste of this cold and sometimes hostile system,that they will never reach out for officialassistance again. One antidote is to draw uponevery resource available to you. Is there a programfor abused women near you that providesadvocates to accompany women to court? Doesthe county employ victim/witness advocates, andare they available at the courthouse? Is there afriend or relative who could accompany you torequest a restraining order? Does your policedepartment have a specially trained domesticviolenceofficer with whom you could discuss yourcase? Remember, anyone who specializes in“domestic violence” is there to help you deal witha scary or intimidating partner, even if he has

never hit you. Involve as many of these people inyour case as possible; emotional and logisticalsupport can make an immense difference.• Cooperate with the prosecution unless it is toodangerous for you to do so.Multiple studies have demonstrated that abuserswho are prosecuted are more likely to stop theirviolence than those who are not. If your partnersuddenly seems serious about changing, it is not areason to drop legal action; on the contrary, it isanother reason to continue it. Court involvementwill help give him the structure and incentives heneeds to carry through with his good intentions.Without that extra push, an abuser’s thoughts ofchange almost always fade with time.Some women say to me: “But if I go forwardwith testifying, he is going to be furious, and thenhe’ll never be willing to look at his problem.” Thisis a common misconception: You cannot get anabuser to change by begging or pleading. The onlyabusers who change are the ones who become

willing to accept the consequences of their actions;if he is unrelentingly angry about prosecution, youcan be 100 percent sure that he wouldn’t haveworked on himself anyhow. You also may beconcerned that a criminal conviction will burdenhim with a humiliating stigma and make it harderfor him to find jobs in the future. However, fewemployers do criminal record checks, and evenfewer turn down a man because of an offenserelated to domestic abuse. As for the stigma, heneeds it; he may seem to have snapped out of hisdenial for the moment, but you will be surprisedby how quickly he leaps back into it once thethreat of court action has passed.• Avoid dropping a restraining order.Stay away from your partner until the court orderexpires, even if you are missing him very muchand he seems like a completely different person.Courts unfortunately often develop prejudicesagainst women who seek restraining orders andthen drop them, just as police and prosecutors can

look negatively upon a woman who does not wantto go through with testifying. I understand the fearyou may have that he will do something extreme ifyou don’t back off, the challenge of survivingwithout his financial support (especially if youhave children), the pressure you may be gettingfrom other people to give him another chance, andnumerous other weights on your shoulders. Butcourts sometimes do not consider these issues andcan be reluctant to assist a woman the next timeshe reaches out for help. Stick with it through thewhole period unless your situation becomes toodangerous.• Don’t give up prematurely.Most police departments have some officers whohandle domestic abuse cases well and some whodon’t, just as most courts have judges who holdabusers accountable and others who let themskate. Just because things went badly this timedoesn’t mean they always will. Some abusers getsick of dealing with the legal system after awhile,

and some public officials decide to finally takeaction if a case erupts in front of them enoughtimes.There are exceptions to what I have just said,however. You may know for a fact that in yourcommunity legal recourse is stacked against you.If the abuser is on the police force or has closebuddies who are, calling 911 can make thingsworse rather than better. If the abuser is a judge—and I have talked to a few women who were inthis sad circumstance—relief may not be availableat the courthouse. There is a point at which it doesmake sense to scrap the legal system and startconsidering what other strategies you might try.Begin always with a call to an abuse hotline.• Advocate for yourself.If the abuser is on probation, ask for a face-to-facemeeting with the probation officer; it will make itharder for your partner to paint a distorted pictureof you and may make the probation officer feelresponsible for your safety. If the prosecutor is

considering a plea bargain, demand to be includedin the process of negotiation, so that your needsare considered before any deal is made. If theabuser is mandated to attend an abuser program,communicate frequently with the abuser programand make sure that they are on your side, not his.(Chapter 14 offers guidelines for determiningwhether or not a particular abuser program is agood one.)THE LEGAL SYSTEM cannot solve the problemof abuse by itself, but, when it is working properlyit can be an important ally in defending yourrights. The better that you and anyone attemptingto help you understand the abuser’s tricks forturning the legal process to his advantage, thebetter you can pressure the system to hold himaccountable.KEY POINTS TO REMEMBER

Abusers rarely change if they aren’tforced to suffer any consequences. A manshould be required to complete an abuserprogram in conjunction with, not insteadof, legal consequences.Many abusers see the legal system asanother opportunity for manipulation.Whether or not he succeeds in thatapproach will depend largely on howwell trained the crucial public officialsare on the subject of abuse—and on howmany of them think as he does.A woman who wants the legal system tohelp protect her rights needs to seek outassistance for herself and to be preparedto advocate for her own needs andinterests. Her first call should be to aprogram for abused women.The legal system will tend not tocontribute well to your safety unless you

use it in conjunction with other selfprotectivesteps (see “Safety Planning” inChapter 9).Any form of physical aggression,including a push, poke, shove, or threat,is illegal in most states and provinces.You do not need to wait until you areseverely injured to seek police assistance.There is no such thing as a “minor”violation of a law or a court order by anabusive man. If the legal system does nothold him accountable, he will escalate tomore serious violations under theassumption that the system does notmean what it says.

PART IVChanging the Abusive Man

13The Making of an Abusive ManWe pass a magazine rack, and he pointsat the cover of Cosmo and says, “Whydon’t you look like that?”His favorite song is that Guns N’ Rosesone: “I used to love her, but I had to killher.” He puts it on all the time.His dad treats his mom the same way hetreats me.You should see the way he and hisbuddies talk about women, like they’repieces of meat.Once upon a time, there was a boy who grew

up with a happy dream. He was told when hewas very young—as soon as he was oldenough to understand anything, really—thata beautiful piece of land out on the edge oftown was in trust for him. When he wasgrown up, it would be his very own and wassure to bring him great contentment. Hisfamily and other relatives often described theland to him in terms that made it sound like afairy world, paradise on earth. They did nottell him precisely when it would be his butimplied that it would be when he was aroundage sixteen or twenty.In his mid-teens, the boy began to visit theproperty and take walks on it, dreaming ofowning it. Two or three years later, he felt thetime had come to take it on. However, bythen he had noticed some disturbing things:From time to time, he would observe peoplehiking or picnicking on his acres, and whenhe told them not to come there without his

permission, they refused to leave and insistedthat the land was public! When he questionedhis relatives about this, they reassured himthat there was no claim to the land but his.In his late adolescence and early twenties,he became increasingly frustrated about thefailure of the townspeople to respect hisownership. He first tried to manage theproblem through compromise. He set aside asmall section of the property as a publicpicnic area and even spent his own money toput up some tables. On the remainder of theland he put up “No Trespassing” signs andexpected people to stay off. But, to hisamazement, town residents showed no signsof gratitude for his concession; instead theycontinued to help themselves to theenjoyment of the full area.The boy finally could tolerate the intrusionson his birthright no longer. He beganscreaming and swearing at people who

trespassed and in this way succeeded indriving many of them away. The few whowere not cowed by him became targets of hisphysical assaults. And when even hisaggression did not completely clear the area,he bought a gun and began firing at peoplejust to frighten them, not actually to shootthem. The townspeople came to theconclusion that the young man was insane.One particularly courageous local residentdecided to spend a day searching through thetown real estate records and was able toestablish what a number of people hadsuspected all along: The property was indeedpublic. The claim made by the boy’s familyon his behalf was the product of legend andmisconception, without any basis in thedocumentary record.When the boy was confronted with thisevidence, his ire only grew. He wasconvinced that the townspeople had

conspired to alter the records and that theywere out to deprive him of his most cherisheddream. For several years after, his behaviorremained erratic; at times it seemed that hehad accepted having been misled during hischildhood, but then he would erupt again inefforts to regain control of the land throughlawsuits, creating booby traps on the land toinjure visitors and employing any otherstrategy he could think of. His relativesencouraged him to maintain his belligerence,telling him, “Don’t let them take away whatis yours.” Years went by before he was ableto accept the fact that his dream would neverbe realized and that he would have to learn toshare the land. Over that period he wentthrough a painful, though ultimately freeing,process of gradually accepting how badlymisled he had been and how destructive hisbehavior had been as a result.

IN ORDER TO know how to foster change inabusive men, individuals and communities need tounderstand not only how abusive thinking works,which has been my focus so far, but also where itcomes from. Overcoming the scourge ofrelationship abuse demands attention to the rootcauses of the problem.The story I have just told is a metaphor for thechildhood social process that produces an abuser.As I have explained in earlier chapters,abusiveness has little to do with psychologicalproblems and everything to do with values andbeliefs. Where do a boy’s values about partnerrelationships come from? The sources are many.The most important ones include the family hegrows up in, his neighborhood, the television hewatches and books he reads, jokes he hears,messages that he receives from the toys he isgiven, and his most influential adult role models.His role models are important not just for whichbehaviors they exhibit to the boy but also for

which values they teach him in words and whatexpectations they instill in him for the future. Insum, a boy’s values develop from the full range ofhis experiences within his culture.Each boy’s socialization is unique. Even twosiblings close in age do not learn identical values.Culture is thus transmitted on a continuum. In aculture that is fairly religious, for example, somechildren will grow up to be devout believers;others will reject the faith completely; and mostwill fall in with the average level of religiousobservance for their community. Where a childwill land on this continuum partly depends onhow strong a set of messages he or she receivesfrom the social environment and partly on his orher personal predispositions. The family rebel, forexample, might become an atheist, while the childwho is most focused on pleasing the parents mightbecome even more religious than they are.HOW A BOY LEARNS ABUSE

Children begin at a very young age—certainly bythe time they are three and probably sooner—toabsorb the rules and traditions of their culture.This learning continues throughout their childhoodand adolescence. The family in which childrengrow up is usually the strongest influence, at leastfor their first few years, but it is only one amongmany. Children’s sense of proper and improperways to behave, their moral perceptions of rightand wrong, and their beliefs about sex roles arebrought to them by television and videos, popularsongs, children’s books, and jokes. They observebehaviors that are modeled by friends andrelatives, including adults to whom they are close.They watch to see which behaviors get rewarded—by making people popular, for example—asopposed to those that are condemned. By age fouror five they start to express curiosity about lawsand police, both of which play an important role inshaping their moral sense. During theiradolescence, young people have increasing access

to the wider culture, with less and less filtering byadults, and are subject to the rapidly growinginfluence of their peers. Even after reachingadulthood, people continue to read the socialmessages that surround them in the culture and toadjust their values and beliefs in response to whatis socially acceptable.QUESTION 18:WHERE DID HE LEARN TOBE THAT WAY?Let’s look now at how society influences thedevelopment of a boy or a young man’s attitudetoward abuse. Some of what I describe here datesback many hundreds of years, while othermessages are more recent arrivals on the culturalscene. I give examples from child-oriented culture,such as children’s books and movies, and others

from adult culture, which trickle down to childrenfrom the models they observe of adult behaviorand from what adults tell them directly about rightand wrong.• Laws and the legal system have colluded withthe abuse of women.Until well into the 1800s, it was expressly legalfor a man in the English-speaking world tophysically abuse his wife. She had no recourse tothe police or the courts, and, if she chose todivorce him because of his abusiveness, he waslegally entitled to custody of their children. In thelate nineteenth century some legal consequenceswere finally legislated for some of the mostextreme beatings of women, but they were rarelyenforced until the 1970s and were not enforcedconsistently at all until the 1990s! For hundredsand perhaps thousands of years the domesticassault of women has been considered a necessarytool for a man to maintain order and discipline inhis home, to make sure that his superior

intelligence rules, and to avoid the mushroomingof the hysterical, short-sighted, and naive qualitiesthat men widely attribute to women. It was onlywith the women’s movement of the 1960s and1970s, and especially with the work of thoseactivists focusing specifically on battering andsexual assault, that the intimate oppression ofwomen began to be taken seriously as a crime.This legal history plays an important role inshaping today’s cultural views among males—andfemales—about the abuse of women. It is likely totake a number of generations to overcome theaccumulated impact of hundreds of years ofdestructive social attitudes. The culture thatshaped these laws, and was in turn shaped bythem, is reflected in people’s continuedwillingness to blame women for “provoking”abuse, to feel sorry for men who face legalconsequences for intimate violence, and to behighly skeptical of women’s reports of abuse.These are all attitudes that children can absorb

from the behaviors and comments of the adultsaround them.Children also notice responses by the legalsystem. A boy who grows up in a home where hisfather assaults his mother may observe over theyears that his father never seems to get in anyserious trouble, indicating to him that his father’sbehavior is not viewed as wrong by thecommunity. (In fact, any male who is older thanten or fifteen years of age today is unlikely to haveever seen his father prosecuted for domesticviolence, since such prosecution was uncommonbefore 1990). When a woman asks me, “Whydoes a physically abusive man believe he can getaway with it?”, I have to answer that until veryrecently he could, and even now legalconsequences are less serious for men who assaultpartners than for those who assault strangers. Thishistorical condoning of the physical abuse ofwomen has also played a critical role in making itdifficult to address and overcome emotional abuse,

as it has created an atmosphere of impunityregarding men’s conduct in partner relationships.• Religious beliefs have often condoned the abuseof women.The most influential religious scriptures in theworld today, including the Bible, the Torah, theKoran, and major Buddhist and Hindu writings,explicitly instruct women to submit to maledomination. Genesis, for example, includes thefollowing passage: “Unto the woman He said, Iwill greatly multiply thy sorrow and thyconception; in sorrow thou shalt bring forthchildren: and thy desire shall be to thy husband,and he shall rule over thee.” I have had numerousclients over the years who explicitly rely onquotations from scripture to justify their abuse oftheir partners. Similarly, religious prohibitionsagainst divorce have entrapped women in abusivemarriages. The book When Love Goes Wrong (see“Resources”), published in 1985, describes astudy of conservative Protestant clergy that

eported that 21 percent said that no amount ofabuse would justify a woman’s leaving herhusband, and 26 percent agreed with the statement“a wife should submit to her husband and trustthat God would honor her action by eitherstopping the abuse or giving her the strength toendure it.”Children who are raised in a faith tradition arecommonly taught that the rules of their religionare the ultimate guide to right and wrong, superioreven to civil law. A boy’s early religious trainingcan be formative in the development of his imageof appropriate behaviors in intimate relationships,the status of women, and the entitlements of men.If the more destructive aspects of his religiousbackground are the ones that are given the mostemphasis in his family or community, somedangerous seeds may have been sown.• Popular performers both reflect and shapesocial attitudes.The white rapper Eminem won a Grammy Award

while I was writing this book. At the time of hisaward, one of his newest popular songs was“Kim,” the name of Eminem’s wife. The songbegins with the singer putting his baby daughterto bed and then preparing to murder his wife forbeing with another man. He tells his wife, “If youmove I’ll beat the shit out of you,” and informs herthat he has already murdered their four-year-oldson. He then tells his wife he is going to driveaway with her in the car, leaving the baby at homealone, and then will bring her home dead in thetrunk. Kim’s voice (as performed by Eminem) isaudible off and on throughout the song, screamingwith terror. At times she pleads with him not tohurt her. He describes to her how he is going tomake it look as if she is the one who killed theirson and that he killed her in self-defense, so thathe’ll get away with it. Kim screams for help, thenis audibly choked to death, as Eminem screams,“Bleed, bitch, bleed! Bleed!” The murder isfollowed by the sound of a body being dragged

across dry leaves, thrown into the trunk of a car,and closed in.Even more horrible than Eminem’s decision torecord this song glorifying the murder of a womanand child is the fact that it did not stop him fromreceiving a Grammy. What is a teen boy or ayoung man to conclude about our culture from thisaward? I believe I can safely say that a singer whoopenly promoted the killing of Jews, or blacks, orpeople in wheelchairs would be consideredineligible for a Grammy. But not so, unfortunately,for encouraging the brutal and premeditatedmurder of one’s wife and child, complete with aplan for how to escape consequences for it.And, unfortunately, Eminem has plenty ofcompany. The extremely popular Guns ’n’ Rosesrecorded a song that goes: “I used to love her / ButI had to kill her / I had to put her six feet under /And I can still hear her complain.” The singer(Axl Rose) goes on to sing that he knew he wouldmiss her so he buried her in the backyard. This

song supports a common attitude among physicalabusers that women’s complaints are whatprovoke men to violence. Another outstandingexample is the comedian Andrew Dice Clay,whose repertoire of “jokes” about the beating andsexual assault of females has filled performancehalls across the country. Fans of these kinds ofperformers have been known to state defensively,“Come on, it’s just humor.” But humor is actuallyone of the powerful ways a culture passes on itsvalues. If a man is already inclined toward abusebecause of his earlier training or experience, hecan find validation in such performances anddistance himself even further from empathy for hispartners. In one abuse case that I was involved in,the man used to play the above Guns ’n’ Rosessong on the stereo repeatedly and tell his wife thatthis was what was going to happen to her,laughing about it. But in the context of verbalassault and physical fear that he created, what wasa joke to him was a blood-curdling threat to his

partner.• Popular plays and movies romanticize abuse ofwomen.Several years ago I saw the play Frankie andJohnny Got Married in Boston. The story linegoes like this: Johnny is in love with Frankie andknows that she is the right woman for him. Oneevening he comes to her apartment to express hislove and convince her to get involved with him.She is not interested, and tells him so. Johnny thenbegins a relentless pressure campaign that lastsfor the remainder of the play. He criticizes her andputs her down, telling her that her fears ofintimacy and commitment are the reasons why sheavoids being with him. He lets her know that,whatever knowledge she may have about who sheis and what she needs, his judgment is better.Frankie remains unimpressed.So Johnny’s coercion escalates. At one pointFrankie, who is exhausted after hours of thispressure, attempts to go to sleep, but Johnny

locks her path to the bedroom, grabbing herarms. She then goes to the kitchen and makesherself a sandwich, figuring that if she can’t sleepshe might at least eat. It is not to be, however,because Johnny grabs the plate away from her andheaves it into the sink, sandwich and all.Exasperated, Frankie orders Johnny to leave herapartment. He refuses. She threatens to call thepolice to remove him, to which he replies withwords to the effect of: “Go ahead, bring them over.In an hour they will have released me, and I’ll beback on your fire escape. Sooner or later you’regoing to have to deal with me.”So now that Frankie has discovered that shecan’t succeed in having any of her rights respectedat all, what happens next? Lo and behold, she hasan epiphany! A life-changing breakthrough! In aflash, she overcomes her fear of deep connection—it turns out Johnny was right about her fear ofintimacy as well as everything else—and she fallsenraptured into his arms. Frankie and Johnny are

in love. The curtain falls. (Presumably Frankie isnow permitted to eat and sleep, though we have noway to say for sure.)The most astounding part of the evening wasstill to come, however. To my amazement, theroughly two hundred and fifty well-educated,economically privileged adults who were packedinto their Huntington Theater Company seats rosein a roar of delighted applause, smiling from ear toear. Not a person in the auditorium remainedseated—except me. I had been working withabusers for over five years at this point and knewperfectly well what we had been witnessing. Noone else seemed to notice anything amiss in thephysical grabbing, sleep and food deprivation,threats, superiority, and other forms of coercionwe had just watched. Was Frankie reluctant to bewith Johnny because she feared intimacy? Orcould it perhaps have been because he wasarrogant, coercive, and physically violent? Whowouldn’t fear intimacy with this bully? One ought

to.The messages to young men, intentional or not,are that coercion and even a degree of physicalviolence and intimidation are compatible withdeep love and that a man can know better than awoman what is good for her. The attitudes thatdrive the behavior of many of my clients werewoven throughout this play. And if a young boydoesn’t see this play—most of the audience wasadult—he nonetheless is influenced by theattitudes that his parents bring home with themfrom the theater.• A boy’s early training about sex roles and aboutrelationships can feed abuse.At least until quite recently, a boy has tended tolearn from the most tender age that when hereaches young adulthood he will have a wife orgirlfriend who will do everything for him andmake him a happy man. His partner will belong tohim. Her top responsibility will be to provide loveand nurturing, while his key contribution will be

to fill the role of “the brains of the operation,”using his wisdom and strength to guide the family.Tightly interwoven with these expectations areother messages he is likely to receive aboutfemales. He may learn that boys are superior togirls, particularly if he grows up around men whoexhibit that attitude. (In many families, there is noworse insult you can give to a boy than to say,“You’re acting like a girl.”) When he is oldenough to know about sex, he may learn that themost valuable thing about females is their capacityto give sexual pleasure to males. Depending onwhat his father or stepfather is like, what kinds ofpeers he chooses in his teen years, or what kindsof music he listens to, he may learn that, when afemale partner does not defer to him, he can useverbal degradation or even physical intimidationto punish her and ensure better cooperation in thefuture.Studies have found that nearly half of abusivemen grow up in homes where their father or

stepfather is an abuser. Home is a critical learningground for values and sex-role expectations. Boysare at risk to absorb the abuser’s attitude throughhis words and actions (see Chapter 10). Even ifthe dad never explicitly says that females areinferior, for example, or that the man should havethe last word in an argument, his behavior can getthe message across.The sex-role expectations to which boys andmen have historically been subjected are capturedpowerfully by an article called “The Good Wife’sGuide,” from a 1955 issue of HousekeepingMonthly that includes such instructions as “Don’task him questions about his actions or questionhis judgment or integrity. Remember, he is themaster of the house and as such will alwaysexercise his will with fairness and truthfulness,”and “Don’t complain if he’s late home for dinneror even if he stays out all night. Count this minorcompared to what he might have gone throughthat day.” The wife is further encouraged to make

sure the children are quiet when he gets home, tokeep the house perfectly orderly and clean, and notto complain if her husband goes out for eveningentertainment without her, because she needs to“understand his world of strain and pressure.” Oursociety’s sex-role attitudes have certainlyprogressed greatly over the past fifty years, yet theexpectations laid out in this article are preciselythe ones I find in many of my abusive clients tothis day; cultural values that run this deep takegenerations to unearth and dispose of.• Some messages in media oriented towardchildren and teens support abuse by men.In a book in the popular Berenstain Bears seriesfor children called Trouble with Homework, boththe mother and the children cower when Fatherbecomes angry. (It’s on the cover.) At one point heknocks over a chair and clenches his fists abovehis head. At the end of the story, the children havepleased Dad by doing what he wanted, and Momsmiles happily to see them cuddled up with Dad

on the couch. In Bedtime for Francis, by RusselHoban, the father threatens Francis that he willspank her if she does not stop asking for help withher fear of the dark, and she falls asleep alonewith the fear of how the spanking would hurt.Fairy tales also sometimes support the abusivementality. In Beauty and the Beast, for example,the beast is cruel to the woman and isolates herfrom the world, but she loves him anyhow, andher love ultimately transforms him into a goodman—the precise myth that keeps some womenentrapped in their abusive relationships. In TheLittle Mermaid, Ariel chooses to give up hervoice—literally—in order to live on land so thatshe can marry the man she loves. A woman withno voice is the dream girl of many abusive men.Even movies that are aimed at children andteens commonly include messages that condoneabuse of females. In a recent Jim Carrey film, forexample, a man sits down in a park next to astrange woman who is nursing her baby and then

suddenly pushes the baby away from the womanand begins to suck her breast himself. This sexualassault is presented as humorous.Music videos and computer games havebecome the predominant sources of culturaltraining for children and teenagers. In the world ofMTV and VH1, many of the sex-role messages areworse than ever, with males aggressive and incontrol and the value of females restricted to theirsexual allure. As was exposed in a recentdocumentary broadcast on MTV, pornographersare frequently being hired to make music videos,which predictably leads to portrayals of womenthat make them look like they exist for men to use.Some music videos show abuse explicitly. Inone, for example, a man stalks a womanthroughout the song as she repeatedly tries toescape him, including one part in which she divesinto a car to get away and he pulls open anotherdoor and jumps in after her. At the end of thevideo, she gives up and falls in love with him. The

message thus is not only that stalking proves howmuch he loves her but also that the stalker wasactually doing what was best for her. Women inmusic videos never mean “no” when they say it,and when they run away, they really want to bechased and caught. What could more perfectlycapture the abusive mentality?• Pornographic videos, magazines, and web sitesare learning grounds.As a boy enters his teen years, he is likely toencounter another powerful shaper of his outlookon females and how to treat them: pornography.Most pornographic movies, magazines, and websites can function as training manuals for abusers,whether they intend to or not, teaching thatwomen are unworthy of respect and valuable onlyas sex objects for men. The Internet has madeaccess to pornography much easier—and free—forteenage boys; a recent study found, for example,that one in four teenage boys has experiencedexposure to unwanted sexual material, most

commonly through Internet solicitations. A greatdeal of mainstream pornographic material—notjust so-called “hard core”—contains stories andimages showing the abuse of both women andchildren as sexy, sometimes includingpresentations of rape as erotic. The harm to teensfrom looking at pornography has little to do withits sexual explicitness and everything to do withthe attitudes it teaches toward women,relationships, sexual assault, and abuse. Spendsome time looking at pornography yourself—ifyou can stand it—and think about the messages itis sending to young people and especially to boys.I learned of a recent case in an upper-classsuburb involving a group of middle school–agedboys who were in the habit of spending hours eachday after school watching pornography on theircomputers. One day they went from this activity toa party where they succeeded in pressuring severalgirls—with an average age of twelve—intoperforming group oral sex on them, inspired by

something they had watched at a web site. Parentsfound out about what happened and a scandalensued, but the community still did not seem torecognize the critical influence of the images towhich the boys were being exposed.Boys often learn that they are not responsible fortheir actions.Boys’ aggressiveness is increasingly being treatedas a medical problem, particularly in schools, atrend that has led to the diagnosing andmedicating of boys whose problem may really bethat they have been traumatized and influenced byexposure to violence and abuse at home. Treatingthese boys as though they have a chemicalproblem not only overlooks the distress they are inbut also reinforces their belief that they are “out ofcontrol” or “sick,” rather than helping them torecognize that they are making bad choices basedon destructive values. I have sometimes heardadults telling girls that they should be flattered byboys’ invasive or aggressive behavior “because it

means they really like you,” an approach thatprepares both boys and girls to confuse love withabuse and socializes girls to feel helpless.In most media coverage of bullying and schoolviolence, including highly publicized schoolmurders such as Columbine, reporters haveoverlooked the gender issues. Headlines havedescribed these events as “kids killing kids,”when close to 100 percent of them have involvedboys killing kids. In some cases it has beenrevealed that the killings were related to boys’hostility toward females, including one case inwhich the two boys who went on a murderousrampage said afterward that they had done itbecause they were angry that their girlfriends hadbroken up with them. But the urgent need toconfront the anti-female attitudes among theseboys was never mentioned as a strategy forpreventing future school violence.• When culture and home experience dovetail,each reinforces the other.

If a boy grows up in a home where his mother isabused, hearing a song like Eminem’s “Kim”could leave a deep imprint on him. He may wellfeel that society is giving its public stamp ofapproval to the mistreatment of women he haswitnessed at home. The likelihood that he willblame his mother for what happens to her andbegin to copy the abuser’s behavior increases witheach pro-abuse message he absorbs from hissurroundings. My counseling experiencepersuades me that the men who are most likely togrow up to abuse women are probably those whogrow up with an abuser as an important rolemodel and who also get especially heavy doses ofdestructive cultural training. But also be aware:Half or more of my clients do not come fromhomes in which a man modeled abuse of women.The cultural influences I have discussed above aresufficient in themselves to prepare a boy tobecome an abusive man. It is therefore essential toteach boys to respect women and think critically

about the societal messages to which they areexposed.Many sons of abused women whom I haveknown, including police officers, writers,therapists, and activists, have dedicated their livesto opposing the abuse of women. The example setby these men shows that a boy’s family influencesare only the beginning of the story and that he canmake the choice to channel his childhood distressinto constructive action—if he learns aboutalternative ways of thinking and acting.LET’S RETURN NOW to our growing boy. Froma combination of different cultural influences, hedevelops an image of his future, which he carrieswithin him. He pictures a woman who isbeautiful, alluring, and focused entirely onmeeting his needs—one who has no needs of herown that might require sacrifice or effort on hispart. She will belong to him and cater to him, andhe will be free to disrespect her when he sees fit.

In his mind this picture may illustrate the wordpartner, but a more accurate word for the imagehe is developing might be servant.When this boy gets involved in actual—asopposed to imagined—dating, especially as hereaches an age where his relationships becomemore serious, his childhood fantasy life collideswith the real-life young woman he is seeing. Shedefies him on occasion. She has other people inher life who are important to her rather thanmaking him her exclusive focus. She demandsfrom time to time that he take an interest in her asa person. She doesn’t always accept his opinionsas accurate and superior to hers. She may evenattempt at some point to break up with him, as ifshe were not his personal possession. The boydoesn’t believe that he is demanding anythingunreasonable; he seeks only what he considers hisdue. In fact, our young man feels like he gives hisgirlfriend more freedom than a lot of other guysdo, just as the boy in our opening story felt

generous for providing a public picnic area on“his” land. And, like that boy’s reaction to the“trespassers,” he becomes increasingly frustrated,erratic, and coercive as he tries to regain controlover his partner. His first sexual experiences arelikely to be a result of his pressuring a girl steadilyuntil she gives in, so that sexual coercion becomesone of his earliest relationship habits. He mayeven start to appear mentally ill, as did the youngman who began firing at hikers, but in fact hisbehavior is largely logical and rational, given whathis key social influences have led him to believe.Above all, he feels that his rights are the onesbeing denied—which is precisely the attitude ofalmost all of my clients when they begin myprogram. The abusive man feels cheated, rippedoff, and wronged, because his sense of entitlementis so badly distorting his perceptions of right andwrong.In sum, an abuser can be thought of not as aman who is a “deviant,” but rather as one who

learned his society’s lessons too well, swallowingthem whole. He followed too carefully thesignposts his culture put out for him marking thepath to manhood—at least with respect torelationships with women.THE CULTURAL EXCUSEMy abusive clients sometimes become aware ofthese ways in which society has shaped theirvalues and, sticking closely to their long-standingabusive habits, seize this insight as a new excuse.Instead of saying “I was drunk “or “I was abusedas a child,” they rise to a new level ofsophistication in escaping responsibility,declaring, “I did it because I learned entitledexpectations and the devaluing of females.” Irespond by telling the client that he is putting oldwine in a new bottle. “The number-one lesson youseem to have learned,” I say, “is how to makeexcuses for abusing women. And I see that you’re

still practicing it.” Abusive men do need to learnabout social influences, but not in a way that givesthem yet another means of letting themselves offthe hook.ABUSE AS A FORM OF OPPRESSIONA home where a woman is abused is a small-scalemodel of much larger oppressive systems thatwork in remarkably similar ways. Many of theexcuses an abusive man uses for verbally tearinghis partner to shreds are the same ones that apower-mad boss uses for humiliating his or heremployees. The abusive man’s ability to convincehimself that his domination of you is for your owngood is paralleled by the dictator who says,“People in this country are too primitive fordemocracy.” The divide-and-conquer strategiesused by abusers are reminiscent of a corporatehead who tries to break the labor union by givingcertain groups of workers favored treatment. The

making of an abuser is thus not necessarilyrestricted to the specific values his society teacheshim about men’s relationships with women;without realizing it he may also apply attitudesand tactics from other forms of oppression that hehas been exposed to as a boy or as a young adultand that he has learned to justify or even admire.If you look at any oppressive organization orsystem, from a racist country club up to a militarygovernment, you will find most of the samebehaviors and justifications by the powerful that Ihave described in this book. The tactics of control,the intimidation of victims who try to protest, theundermining of efforts at independence, thenegative distortions about the victims in order tocast blame upon them, the careful cultivation ofthe public image of the oppressors—all arepresent, along with many other parallels. Thepeople in power generally tell lies whilesimultaneously working hard to silence the voicesof the people who are being dominated and to stop

them from thinking, just as the abusive manstrives to do. And the bottom line is the same:Oppressive systems stay in existence because thepeople in power enjoy the luxury of their positionand become unwilling to give up the privilegesthey win through taking advantage of other peopleand keeping them down. In short, the abusivementality is the mentality of oppression.The connection among different kinds of powerabuses can add greatly to the stress experienced byan abused woman. If you already facediscrimination as a woman of color or if you are alow-income woman or a lesbian, you may feeloverwhelmed at times by how similar the controland abuse from your partner feel to other forms ofoppression you have endured. Some abusive meneven deliberately take advantage of their partner’ssocial vulnerabilities. I have had several clients,for example, whose partners are undocumentedimmigrants whom they have threatened to havedeported if the women ever disclose the abuse. In

some geographical areas you can find supportiveservices for specific groups of abused women,such as immigrants or lesbians, or locate agencieswhere there are staff people from your backgroundwho understand the additional challenges youface. (See “Resources.”)WHEN WE STEP BACK and gaze upon thebroad panorama of social influences on a boy’sdevelopment, we can see that it’s really no greatwonder that he may learn the patterns of abuse.What he isn’t taught by the cultural messagesaround him that specifically support the abuse ofwomen he can learn from the tactics of otherabusers of power and from the blaming of othervictims. In fact, the greater surprise is that somany boys do not grow up to abuse women. Theremust not be anything inherently abusive or powerhungryabout men, or it would be impossible forso many to refuse to follow the path where theircultural training is propelling them. One of the

est-known male crusaders against the abuse ofwomen, a man with whom I have had the goodfortune to work, grew up in a home where hismother was physically beaten. He could havemodeled himself after his father, but he didn’t. Hechose instead to think critically about hisexperience and take the opposite road. Many ofthe influential leaders of the movement against theabuse of women in the United States, Canada, andother countries are male, including men who havementored me in my work.The oppressive mentality can be taken apart andreplaced with a new consciousness. The composerof “Amazing Grace,” you may have heard, was aslave trader who repented of his cruelty andbecame an abolitionist. Abusive men can learnrespect and equality—if we insist that they do so.But they won’t make those changes unless theyare subjected to tremendous pressure, becausetheir cultural values as well as their privileges arepushing them so hard to stay the same.

There has never been a better time than thepresent to apply that pressure, to demand thatabusers accept responsibility for the destructionthey cause. We live in a period of mountinginternational pressure for the respect of humanrights for everyone, of insistence on therecognition of the worth and dignity of eachperson, male or female, young or old, wealthy orpoor, and of whatever color. The current context isprobably the most hopeful one there has ever beenfor putting an end to the abuse of women, and tothe range of abuses of power that follow itspattern. Resistance never disappears; it waits inthe shadows, sometimes for many years, and theneventually sprouts again. You may have gonethrough dark times when you felt, “I just can’tfight this anymore, I give up,” yet you reboundafter a while to try again to recover your rights.And one day you will succeed.KEY POINTS TO REMEMBER

An abuser is not born; he is made.In order to bring about change in anabuser, we have to reshape his attitudetoward power and exploitation.Abusive behavior is reinforced bymultiple societal messages, some ofwhich are specific to the abuse of womenand some of which reflect the overallculture of oppression.Your courageous resistance to partnerabuse—and you have stood up foryourself (and your children) in manyways, whether you realize it or not—is agift to everyone, because all forms ofabuse are intertwined.

14The Process of ChangeSince he started going to therapy, he’sgotten more self-centered than ever.I think this time he’s really sorry.He’s usually very closed off to hisfeelings, so it gives me hope that he’sfinally opening up a little.Our couples counselor says we bothhave to be willing to change.Do you think he can change? I’m notsure how long I should wait around tosee whether he will or not.

MY FIFTEEN YEARS OF WORKING day inand day out with abusive men have left me certainof one thing: There are no shortcuts to change, nomagical overnight transformations, no easy waysout. Change is difficult, uncomfortable work. Myjob as a counselor is to dive into the elaboratetangle that makes up an abuser’s thinking andassist the man to untie the knots. The project is nothopeless—if the man is willing to work hard—butit is complex and painstaking. For him, remainingabusive is in many ways easier than stepping outof his pattern. Yet there are some men who decideto dig down inside of themselves, root out thevalues that drive their abusive behavior, anddevelop a truly new way of interacting with afemale partner. The challenge for an abusedwoman is to learn how to tell whether her partneris serious about overcoming his abusiveness.The first challenge with an abusive man is tomotivate him to work on himself. Because hebecomes attached to the many rewards that his

controlling and intimidating behaviors bring him,he is highly reluctant to make significant changesin his way of operating in a relationship. Thisreluctance cannot be overcome through gentlepersuasion, pleading, or cajoling by the woman. Iam sorry to say that I have never once seen suchapproaches succeed. The men who makesignificant progress in my program are the oneswho know that their partners will definitely leavethem unless they change, and the ones onprobation who have a tough probation officer whodemands that they really confront theirabusiveness. In other words, the initial impetus tochange is always extrinsic rather than selfmotivated.Even when a man does feel genuinelysorry for the ways his behavior has hurt hispartner, I have never seen his remorse alonesuffice to get him to become a serious client. Aftera few months of deep work in the program, somemen do start to develop intrinsic reasons forchange, such as starting to feel real empathy for

their partners’ feelings, developing awareness ofhow their behavior has been harming theirchildren, or even sometimes realizing that theythemselves enjoy life more when they aren’tabusive, despite all the privileges of abuse theyhave to give up. But it takes a long time for anabusive man to get to that point.As I discussed in the Introduction, the majorityof abusive men do not make deep and lastingchanges even in a high-quality abuser program.However, if even a minority become nonabusive,or at least significantly less abusive, the job isworth doing. At least as important is that theprogram can help the abused woman developclarity about her abuser’s patterns andmanipulations and can share insights with her. Forexample, an abusive man’s underlying attitudestend to leap out of him in the heat of debates andconfrontations in his group, and the counselor canthen assist the woman in identifying the thinkingthat is driving his behavior. Follow-up surveys by

abuser programs have found that the support thatthe counselors give to her tends to be the aspect ofthe program that the woman finds most valuable.(These surveys indicate that an abuser programthat is not focused on supporting the abusedwoman and that does not consider serving her tobe its primary responsibility is severely limitingwhat it can accomplish and may even becontributing to her difficulties.)For an abusive man to make genuine progresshe needs to go through a complex and critical setof steps. To give my clients a road map of theprocess of change, I tell them the following story:There once was a man whose neighbors had alarge and beautiful maple tree growing behindtheir house. It gave shade in the hot summers,turned stunning colors of fire in the fall as itdropped its leaves, and stood against the wintersnow as a magnificent wooden sculpture. But theman hated his neighbors’ tree, because the shadethat it cast into his yard made his grass grow

poorly and stunted his vegetable garden, whichwas his passion. He pressured the neighborsrepeatedly to either cut the tree down or prune itdrastically, and their response was always thesame: “You are free to cut any branches that stickout over your property, but beyond that we aregoing to leave the tree alone, because it isbeautiful and we love it. We are sorry about theshade it casts on your side, but that is what treesdo.”One summer the neighbors went away onvacation for a week, and the man decided to ridhimself of his aggravation. He took a chainsawand cut their tree to the ground, making carefulcuts so that the tree would not fall on theneighbor’s house and destroy it but also directingit away from his own yard, so he wouldn’t have toclean it up. Then he walked home, fully satisfied ifperhaps a little afraid. The next day he took hischainsaw, threw it in the dump, and preparedhimself to deny having any idea who had brought

the giant down, even though the truth would beobvious.There was only one hole in his plan: He didn’trealize how popular his neighbors were, and hedidn’t know how unbearable it would be to havethe entire local population turn against him, to thepoint where no one would even look at him or talkto him. So the day finally came when the manrealized his life would be wrecked for good unlesshe dealt with his destructive and selfish act. Whatsteps did he have to take in order to set thingsright?THE STEPS TO ACCEPTINGRESPONSIBILITY1. He had to admit, and admit fully, that hecut down the tree. He dreaded looking atpeople and saying, “Yeah, it was me”—even though they already knew—but hehad to do it. He had to stop claiming

that the neighbors had cut the tree downthemselves so that they could blame himand turn everyone against him. Andwhen he did admit his act, he also hadto acknowledge what an old andimpressive tree he had killed, ratherthan try to save face by insisting that ithad been small and ugly.2. He had to admit that he had cut it downon purpose, that his actions were achoice. He couldn’t claim that he hadbeen so drunk or enraged that he didn’tknow what he was doing. He couldn’tsay, “Well, I just meant to put a littlecut into the trunk as a warning to them,but I accidentally cut too far and the treefell down.” In short, he had to stopmaking excuses. Furthermore, he had toadmit that he had goals that he tried tofurther through his destructive behavior;he needed to be honest about his

motives.3. He had to acknowledge that what he didwas wrong. This meant that he had tostop blaming the neighbors and playingup how victimized he had been by theshade. He had to make a sincere,heartfelt apology.4. He had to accept the neighbors’ right tobe angry about what he did, whichmeant that he had to be willing to trulyacknowledge the effects of his actions.He had to take in the anguish he hadcaused. He had to stop asserting thatthey were “making too big a deal overone stupid tree” and that “it happened along time ago and they should be over itby now.” Although apologizing wasimportant, he also had to accept thatsaying he was sorry was only thebeginning and that it meant nothingunless he also looked seriously at the

damage he had done.5. He had to accept the consequences ofhis actions. First, he had to providereasonable monetary damage for thevalue of the destroyed tree. He thenneeded to plead guilty to the criminalcharges, so that the neighbors would nothave to go through the ordeal oftestifying against him. He had to stopseeking sympathy from people for theproblems he himself had caused, alongthe lines of: “Poor me, I had to pay outall this money that I can’t affordbecause of their tree when the onlyreason I cut it down was because theywere wrecking my yard with it.”6. He had to devote long-term and seriouseffort toward setting right what he haddone. No amount of money can replacea mature tree; there’s no way to erasethe effects of such a destructive act. The

man therefore had to make amends. Heneeded to buy as large and healthy ayoung tree as he could find in a nurseryand to plant it carefully behind theneighbors’ house. What’s more, he hadto water the tree, protect it from deer,watch it for diseases, and fertilize it asnecessary for years. A young tree takesa long time to securely establish itself.7. He had to lay aside demands forforgiveness. He had to recognize thateven if he sincerely were to take all ofthe steps I have described, the neighborsmight still be left with pain, hurt, andbitterness, and the man had no right totell them how long their bad feelingsshould last, especially since he was thecause. People might be nicer to him nowthat he had stopped denying what hedid, but they wouldn’t necessarily everlike him. The neighbors might never

want to be his friends—and why shouldthey be? If they did decide to be friendlywith him at some point, he should seetheir forgiveness as an act of kindnessand not as his due for replacing the tree.8. He had to treat the neighborsconsistently well from that pointforward. He couldn’t decide to stick it tothem five years later by cutting down arosebush, for example, and then say,“Okay, I messed up, but shouldn’t I getcredit for the five years that I’ve beengood? You can’t expect me to beperfect.” Asking someone not to cutdown the neighbors’ flowers is not thesame thing as expecting perfection.9. He had to relinquish his negative viewof his neighbors. He had to stopspeaking badly about them to otherpeople and accept that most—perhapseven all—of what he disliked about

them actually had to do with theirresponses to the damage he had doneand their refusal to be bullied by him.He had been the creator of their hostilitytoward him.As I go over each of these responsibilities withmy clients, I ask them if they have anydisagreements. They concur that each of the abovesteps is fair and necessary—as long as we aretalking about trees and neighbors. However, assoon as I start to go back through the story,reviewing how each piece applies to a man whohas abused his partner, my clients beginbackpedaling. They are reluctant to do the seriouswork of change, feeling that it would be easier tothrow a new blanket over the moldy mattress andcarry on with life as usual.HOW THESE STEPS APPLY TO ABUSEThe box below summarizes how the steps in thetree story apply to an abusive man’s process of

change.STEPS TO CHANGE1. Admit fully to his history ofpsychological, sexual, andphysical abusiveness towardany current or past partnerswhom he has abused. Denialand minimizing need to stop,including discrediting yourmemory of what happened. Hecan’t change if he is continuingto cover up, to others or tohimself, important parts ofwhat he has done.2. Acknowledge that the abusewas wrong, unconditionally.He needs to identify thejustifications he has tended touse, including the various ways

that he may have blamed you,and to talk in detail about whyhis behaviors wereunacceptable without slippingback into defending them.3. Acknowledge that his behaviorwas a choice, not a loss ofcontrol. For example, he needsto recognize that there is amoment during each incident atwhich he gives himselfpermission to become abusiveand that he chooses how far tolet himself go.4. Recognize the effects his abusehas had on you and on yourchildren, and show empathyfor those. He needs to talk indetail about the short-and longtermimpact that his abuse hashad, including fear, loss of

trust, anger, and loss offreedom and other rights. Andhe needs to do this withoutreverting to feeling sorry forhimself or talking about howhard the experience has beenfor him.5. Identify in detail his pattern ofcontrolling behaviors andentitled attitudes. He needs tospeak in detail about the dayto-daytactics of abuse he hasused. Equally important, hemust be able to identify hisunderlying beliefs and valuesthat have driven thosebehaviors, such as consideringhimself entitled to constantattention, looking down on youas inferior, or believing thatmen aren’t responsible for their

actions if “provoked” by apartner.6. Develop respectful behaviorsand attitudes to replace theabusive ones he is stopping.You can look for examplessuch as improving how well helistens to you during conflictsand at other times, carrying hisweight of householdresponsibilities and child care,and supporting yourindependence. He has todemonstrate that he has cometo accept the fact that you haverights and that they are equal tohis.7. Reevaluate his distorted imageof you, replacing it with a morepositive and empathic view. Hehas to recognize that he has had

mental habits of focusing onand exaggerating his grievancesagainst you and his perceptionsof your weaknesses and tobegin instead to complimentyou and pay attention to yourstrengths and abilities.8. Make amends for the damagehe has done. He has to developa sense that he has a debt toyou and to your children as aresult of his abusiveness. Hecan start to make up somewhatfor his actions by beingconsistently kind andsupportive, putting his ownneeds on the back burner for acouple of years, talking withpeople whom he has misled inregard to the abuse andadmitting to them that he lied,

paying for objects that he hasdamaged, and many other stepsrelated to cleaning up theemotional and literal messesthat his behaviors have caused.(At the same time, he needs toaccept that he may never beable to fully compensate you.)9. Accept the consequences of hisactions. He should stopwhining about, or blaming youfor, problems that are the resultof his abuse, such as your lossof desire to be sexual with him,the children’s tendency toprefer you, or the fact that he ison probation.10. Commit to not repeating hisabusive behaviors and honorthat commitment. He shouldnot place any conditions on his

improvement, such as sayingthat he won’t call you names aslong as you don’t raise yourvoice to him. If he doesbackslide, he cannot justify hisabusive behaviors by saying,“But I’ve done great for fivemonths; you can’t expect me tobe perfect,” as if a good periodearned him chips to spend onoccasional abuse.11. Accept the need to give up hisprivileges and do so. Thismeans saying good-bye todouble standards, to flirtingwith other women, to taking offwith his friends all weekendwhile you look after thechildren, and to being allowedto express anger while you arenot.

12. Accept that overcomingabusiveness is likely to be alifelong process. He at no timecan claim that his work is doneby saying to you, “I’ve changedbut you haven’t,” or complainthat he is sick of hearing abouthis abuse and control and that“it’s time to get past all that.”He needs to come to terms withthe fact that he will probablyneed to be working on hisissues for good and that youmay feel the effects of what hehas done for many years.13. Be willing to be accountablefor his actions, both past andfuture. His attitude that he isabove reproach has to bereplaced by a willingness toaccept feedback and criticism,

to be honest about anybacksliding, and to beanswerable for what he doesand how it affects you and yourchildren.Abusive men don’t make lasting changes if theyskip any of the above steps, and some are easierthan others. Most of my clients find it fairly easyto apologize, for example. In fact, an abuser mayweave apologies into his pattern of abuse, so thatwhen he says “I’m sorry,” it becomes anotherweapon in his hand. His unspoken rule may bethat once he has apologized, no matter howcursorily or devoid of sincerity, his partner mustbe satisfied; she is not to make any further effort toshow her feelings about his mistreatment, nor mayshe demand that he fix anything. If she tries to sayanything more about the incident, he jumps rightback into abuse mode, yelling such things as, “Ialready told you I was sorry! Now shut up about

it!”But even a genuine and sincere apology is onlya starting point. Many of my clients make itthrough the first three steps: They admit to asubstantial portion of their abuse; they agree thattheir actions resulted from choice rather than lossof control; and they apologize. Then they dig intheir heels at that point. An abuser’s sense ofentitlement is like a rude, arrogant voicescreaming inside his head. It yells at him:“You’ve given up too much already; don’t budgeanother inch. They already talked you into sayingyour abuse is all your own fault when you knowshe’s at least half to blame because of the shit thatshe does. She should be grateful to you forapologizing; that wasn’t easy to do. She’s luckyyou’ve gone this far; a lot of guys would tell her togo screw, you know.” And the voice drags himback into the mud that he had finally taken acouple of baby steps out of.Step number four, for example, demands that

the abusive man accept his partner’s right to beangry. He actually has to take seriously the furiousthings that she says and think about them ratherthan using her emotional pitch as an excuse tostuff her opinions back down her throat as he hasnormally done. When I explain this step, myclients at first look at me as though I had an eye inthe middle of my forehead. “I should do what??When she is yelling at me, I’m supposed to just sitthere and take it??” To which I reply, “More thanthat, actually. You should reflect on the points sheis making and respond to them in a thoughtfulway.” And then we begin practicing exactly thatin the group; I ask them for examples of theirpartners’ angry statements and then guide themthrough understanding why their partners arefurious and accepting their right to feel that way.The steps go on. Steps six and seven requirethat he make up for what he has done, that heactually has incurred a debt because of his abuse.Step eight says that he has to change his behavior

in the future, not just say he’s sorry for the past,and he has to stop his abusiveness completely andfor good. In other words, he is truly going to haveto deal with the attitudes that are driving hisbullying and disrespect of his partner. Step elevenrequires him to give up the privileges that hisabusiveness has won him. As we go through eachof these steps, some clients choose to strugglethrough, as hard as the process is, while othersthrow in the towel and resume their abusivebehaviors.THE ABUSER’S OUTLOOK ON CHANGETo guide my clients through the work ofovercoming abusiveness, I have to keep in mindthe fact that they bring their usual habits,attitudes, and manipulations to the process ofchange itself. This is why a woman finds herselffeeling like she is riding a roller coaster while herpartner claims to have changed. Here are some of

the attitudes that abusers commonly exhibit whentheir partners, or a court, or an abuse programbegin demanding that they stop:• “The change game is just like the rest of theroutine.”Abusers can turn their manipulative skills tocreating an appearance of change. This was thestyle we saw in Chapter 1 with Carl, who put onsuch a show of developing insights at his abusergroup but whose treatment of Peggy was asverbally cruel as ever and was rapidly headingback toward physical violence. I couldn’t countthe number of clients who come into groups ofmine when they are separated from their partnersand hoping for a reconciliation, or barred from thehouse with a restraining order and trying to getpermission to return, who then vanish from theabuser program the moment they get what theywant. A man may say to his partner, “I amlearning so much from the abuse groups, and ifyou let me move back in I’ll work even harder at

the program,” but as soon as his bags areunpacked, the excuses begin: The program is tooexpensive; he doesn’t need it anymore; he doesn’tfeel comfortable being in a room with “realabusers” because he’s not like them, “you and Ihave just had a few little problems.”• “I can stop abuse by learning nonabusive waysto control and manipulate my partner.”I hear this (mostly unconscious) attitude in thevoice of the client who says to me: “I thought youwere going to be giving me tools to help memanage my partner’s crazy behavior. But youaren’t helping me with that at all.” His expressioncrazy behavior is a code phrase for any way inwhich she stands up to him, expresses anger, orinsists on maintaining a separate identity ratherthan just conforming to exactly what he wants herto be. A large percentage of men who join abuserprograms quit within the first few weeks. Theymake various excuses at home, but the true reasonis that they discover that the program expects them

to start treating their partners with respect whenthey were hoping to just learn kinder, gentlerapproaches to running the show.• “Change is a bargaining chip.”An abuser often tries to use the promise of changeto cut deals, since he believes that his partner’sbehaviors are just as wrong as his: “I’ll agree notto call you ‘bitch’ anymore if you don’t bug me tohelp clean up the children’s mess when I’m tryingto watch the game. I won’t call you ‘slut’ or‘whore’ if you give up talking to your malefriends. I won’t push you up against the wall ifyou drop your side of an argument whenever yousee that I’m really upset.” To him, these seem likefair deals, but in reality they require a woman tosacrifice her rights and freedom in return for notbeing abused—a coercive bargain that is in itselfabusive.• “I don’t mind changing some of what I do aslong as I don’t have to give up the attitudes and

ehaviors that are most precious to me.”At some point during the first few months that aman is in my program, I usually stumble upon thecore of his privilege, like a rear bunker on histerrain. He may abandon a few of his forwardpositions, but this fortification is where hesurrounds himself with sandbags and settles in forprotracted war. A client may agree to stopconstantly interrupting his partner and dominatingarguments, for example, but when I tell him thathe needs to be doing his share of child care, evenduring football season, he draws the line. If beinga respectful partner requires actually rising off ofhis behind, he’d rather be abusive. Another clientmay consent to stop spending all of his family’smoney on himself, but if I tell him that he also hasto give up his chronic pattern of having affairs, hedecides the losses have become too great, and hequits.An abuser who does not relinquish his coreentitlements will not remain nonabusive. This

may be the single most-overlooked pointregarding abusers and change. The progress thatsuch a man appears to be making is an illusion. Ifhe reserves the right to bully his partner to protecteven one specific privilege, he is keeping theabuse option open. And if he keeps it open, he willgradually revert to using it more and more, untilhis prior range of controlling behaviors has beenrestored to its full glory.Abusers attach themselves tightly to theirprivileges and come to find the prospect of havingequal rights and responsibilities, living on thesame plane as their partners, almost unbearable.They resent women who require them to changeand persuade themselves that they are victims ofunfair treatment because they are losing theirlopsided luxuries. But they can’t change unlessthey are willing to relinquish that special status—one of the key pieces of work they have to do in anabuser program.

FOR ME TO BE ABLE TO help an abusive manchange, I have to guide him past the points wherehe gets stuck. I explain to him that he is going tofeel some guilt, for example, and that his sense ofentitlement will make him want to backslide whenthe guilty feelings come up. I have to alert himwhen he starts trying to cut deals to preserveaspects of his abusive behavior and when hereverts to blaming his partner or feeling sorry forhimself. I have to help him become aware of hisreal motives for abusive behavior. Above all, Ihave to confront his lack of empathy for hispartner and children, pressing him to get in touchwith the feelings of those he has harmed; it is myjob to take away the abusive man’s privilege ofturning his eyes away from the damage he hasdone. If the man is willing to persist through thislong and difficult process, the potential for realchange begins.HOW TO ASSESS AN ABUSER’S CLAIMS

OF CHANGEQUESTION 19:HOW CAN I TELL IF HE’SREALLY CHANGING?No one is in a better position than the abusedwoman herself to distinguish genuine progressfrom window dressing. A woman may call meafter her partner has been in my program for a fewweeks, her voice edged with anxiety and hope, toask: “So, how is he doing? Do you think theprogram is working?” She’s counting on the abuseexpert to look deeply into her partner’s eyes andread his potential. But I can’t do it. I have to pushthe umpiring back to her.You are the only one who can judge yourpartner’s change. There are men who join mygroup and become model clients, getting the right

answers and showing the appropriate emotions,yet when I talk to their partners I find out that lifeat home is business as usual or maybe has gottena little worse. And I work with other men who arecantankerous during meetings, but the report Ireceive from the front lines is that their treatmentof their partners is noticeably improved. What theclient shows me matters little.There are two main principles to keep in mindwhen deciding how much potential an abuser hasto become a kind, respectful partner in the longrun:1. He cannot change unless he dealsdeeply with his entitled and superiorattitudes. No superficial changes that hemay make offer any real hope for thefuture.2. It makes no difference how nice he isbeing to you, since almost all abusershave nice periods. What matters is how

espectful and noncoercive he choosesto become.Holding on to these fundamental points, youcan use the following guide to help you identifychanges that show promise of being genuine. Weare looking for “yes” answers to these questions:Has he learned to treat your opinions withrespect, even when they differ strongly fromhis?YES _____ NO _____Is he accepting your right to express anger tohim, especially when it involves his history ofmistreating you?YES _____ NO _____Is he respecting your right to freedom andindependence? Does that include refraining

from all interference with your friendships andgiving up the demand to always know whereyou are and whom you are with?YES _____ NO _____Has he stopped making excuses for histreatment of you, including not using yourbehavior as an excuse for his?YES _____ NO _____Is he being respectful about sex, applying nopressure and engaging in no guilt trips?YES _____ NO _____Has he stopped cheating or flirting with otherwomen, or using other behaviors that keep youanxious that he will stray?YES _____ NO _____

Does he listen to your side in argumentswithout interrupting, and then make a seriouseffort to respond thoughtfully to your points,even if he doesn’t like them?YES _____ NO _____Have you been free to raise your grievances,new or old, without retaliation from him?YES _____ NO _____Has he stopped talking about his abuse as if itwere an accident and begun to acknowledgethat he used it to control you?YES _____ NO _____Is he actually responding to your grievancesand doing something about them (for example,changing the way he behaves toward yourchildren)?

YES _____ NO _____Has he greatly reduced or eliminated his useof controlling behaviors (such as sarcasm,rolling his eyes, loud disgusted sighs, talkingover you, using the voice of ultimate authority,and other demonstrations of disrespect orsuperiority) during conversations andarguments?YES _____ NO _____When he does slip back into controllingbehavior, does he take you seriously when youcomplain about it and keep working onimproving?YES _____ NO _____Is he being consistent and responsible in hisbehavior, taking into account how his actionsaffect you without having to be constantly

eminded?YES _____ NO _____Is he acting noticeably less demanding, selfish,and self-centered?YES _____ NO _____Is he being fair and responsible about money,including allowing you to keep your own assetsin your own name?YES _____ NO _____Has he stopped any behaviors that you findthreatening or intimidating?YES _____ NO _____Has he significantly expanded his contributionto household and child-rearing responsibilitiesand stopped taking your domestic work for

granted or treating you like a servant?YES _____ NO _____Has he begun supporting your strengths ratherthan striving to undermine them?YES _____ NO _____Have you had any major angry arguments withhim in which he has shown a new willingnessto conduct himself nonabusively?YES _____ NO _____“No” answers to any of the above questions aresigns of work that your partner still needs to do. Ifhe is committed to changing, he will take youseriously when you voice your continued concernsand he will acknowledge that he needs to continueworking on his attitudes and habits. On the otherhand, if he is impatient with or critical of you for

not being satisfied with the gestures of change hehas already made, that is a sign that his overtabusive behaviors will be coming back beforelong. My experience with abusive men is thatsmall or even medium-level improvementsgenerally slip away over time; the man whoactually maintains his progress is usually the onewho changes completely even though that processtends to take considerable time. Thus, when youare attempting to preserve a relationship with aman who has abused you, you need to some extentto hold him to an even higher standard than youwould a nonabusive partner.Sometimes when a woman reports to me thather abusive partner has been doing better, it turnsout that he hasn’t been doing anything at all. Heisn’t swearing at her or scaring her, but he alsoisn’t spending time with her, talking to her, orshowing her any affection. He’s avoidingabusiveness simply by disconnecting from therelationship. As a partner of one of my clients said

to me: “It’s like he’s got two gears: angry andneutral.”Distancing himself can be worse thanavoidance; it can be a way to punish you forputting your foot down about the way he treatsyou. A certain number of my clients leave theirpartners once they realize that their abuse reallyisn’t going to be tolerated anymore. But the moretypical approach is to remain physically presentbut to retool the machinery to churn out passiveaggression instead of open hostility. He learnshow to hurt her through what he doesn’t doinstead of through what he does.The previous questions can help you todistinguish between genuine change and anabusive man’s usual pattern of going through a“good” period. If your partner is truly on the roadto renouncing abuse, you will notice a dramaticdifference in him. Partners of my successfulclients say that they feel almost as though theywere living with a different person and that now

they sense a deeper change that involves a realshift in attitudes rather than just his usual use ofsuperficial sweetness to smooth things over.CLEAR SIGNS OF AN ABUSER WHOISN’T CHANGINGYour partner can make several statements orbehave in several ways that clearly indicate heisn’t making progress:He says he can change only if you changetoo.He says he can change only if you “help”him change, by giving him emotionalsupport, reassurance, and forgiveness,and by spending a lot of time with him.This often means that he wants you toabandon any plans you had to take abreak from seeing him.He criticizes you for not realizing how

much he has changed.He criticizes you for not trusting that hischange will last.He criticizes you for considering himcapable of behaving abusively eventhough he in fact has done so in the past(or has threatened to) as if you shouldknow that he “would never do somethinglike that,” even though he has.He reminds you about the bad things hewould have done in the past but isn’tdoing anymore, which amounts to asubtle threat.He tells you that you are taking too longto make up your mind, that he can’t“wait forever,” as a way to pressure younot to take the time you need to collectyourself and to assess how much he’sreally willing to change.He says, “I’m changing, I’m changing,”

ut you don’t feel it.BE STRAIGHT WITH YOURSELFTo use good judgment and make wise decisionsabout the prospects for change in your abusivepartner, you need to be honest with yourself.Because you love him, or you have children withhim, or leaving him would be difficult for otherreasons, you may be sorely tempted to get overlyhopeful about small concessions that he finallymakes. If he doesn’t budge for five years, ortwenty years, and then he finally moves an inch,your exhaustion can make you think, Hey! Aninch! That’s progress! You may wish to overlookall the glaring signs indicating that his basicattitudes and strategies remain intact. Beware ofhis deception and your own self-deception. I haveheard such heart-rending sadness in the voices ofmany dozens of abused women who have said tome: “I wish I could somehow recover all those

years I wasted waiting around for him to deal withhis issues.” Save yourself that sadness if you can,by insisting on nothing less than complete respect.THE ABUSER IN COUPLES THERAPYAttempting to address abuse through couplestherapy is like wrenching a nut the wrong way; itjust gets even harder to undo than it was before.Couples therapy is designed to tackle issues thatare mutual. It can be effective for overcomingbarriers to communication, for untangling thechildhood issues that each partner brings to arelationship, or for building intimacy. But youcan’t accomplish any of these goals in the contextof abuse. There can be no positive communicationwhen one person doesn’t respect the other andstrives to avoid equality. You can’t take the leapsof vulnerability involved in working through earlyemotional injuries while you are feelingemotionally unsafe—because you are emotionally

unsafe. And if you succeed in achieving greaterintimacy with your abusive partner, you will soonget hurt even worse than before because greatercloseness means greater vulnerability for you.Couples counseling sends both the abuser andthe abused woman the wrong message. Theabuser learns that his partner is “pushing hisbuttons” and “touching him off” and that sheneeds to adjust her behavior to avoid getting himso upset. This is precisely what he has beenclaiming all along. Change in abusers comes onlyfrom the reverse process, from completelystepping out of the notion that his partner playsany role in causing his abuse of her. An abuseralso has to stop focusing on his feelings and hispartner’s behavior, and look instead at herfeelings and his behavior. Couples counselingallows him to stay stuck in the former. In fact, tosome therapists, feelings are all that matters, andreality is more or less irrelevant. In this context, atherapist may turn to you and say, “But he feels

abused by you, too.” Unfortunately, the more anabusive man is convinced that his grievances aremore or less equal to yours, the less the chancethat he will ever overcome his attitudes.The message to you from couples counseling is:“You can make your abusive partner behave bettertoward you by changing how you behave towardhim.” Such a message is, frankly, fraudulent.Abuse is not caused by bad relationshipdynamics. You can’t manage your partner’sabusiveness by changing your behavior, but hewants you to think that you can. He says, or leadsyou to believe, that “if you stop doing the thingsthat upset me, and take better care of my needs, Iwill become a nonabusive partner.” It nevermaterializes. And even if it worked, even if youcould stop his abusiveness by catering to his everywhim, is that a healthy way to live? If the way youbehave in the relationship is a response to thethreat of abuse, are you a voluntary participant? Ifyou have issues you would like to work on with a

couples counselor, wait until your partner hasbeen completely abuse-free for two years. Thenyou might be able to work on some of theproblems that truly are mutual ones.A professional book I recently read offers apowerful example of how couples therapy workswith an abuser. The therapist made an agreementwith the couple that the man would avoid hisscary behaviors and in return the woman wouldstop making her friends such an important part ofher life “because her friendships were causing somuch tension in the marriage.” The therapist had,in effect, assisted the man in using the threat ofviolence to get his way, cutting his partner offfrom social connections and sources of supportthat were important to her. What the therapistportrayed as a voluntary agreement was actuallycoercion, although the authors of the book showedno signs of realizing this.Couples counseling can end up being a bigsetback for the abused woman. The more she

insists that her partner’s cruelty or intimidationneeds to be addressed, the more she may find thetherapist looking down at her, saying, “It seemslike you are determined to put all the blame onhim and are refusing to look at your part in this.”The therapist thereby inadvertently echoes theabuser’s attitude, and the woman is forced to dealwith yet another context in which she has todefend herself, which is the last thing she needs. Ihave been involved in many cases where thetherapist and the abuser ended up as a sort of tagteam, and the abused woman limped away fromyet another psychological assault. Most therapistsin such circumstances are well intentioned but failto understand the dynamics of abuse and allow theabuser to shape their perceptions.The therapist’s reassuring presence in the roomcan give you the courage to open up to yourpartner in ways that you wouldn’t normally feelsafe to do. But this isn’t necessarily positive; anabuser can retaliate for a woman’s frank

statements during couples sessions. Later, whenhe is screaming at you, “You humiliated me infront of the therapist, you made me look like thebad guy, you told things that were too private!”and delivering a nonstop diatribe, you may regretyour decision to open up.Irene, an abused woman who tells her ownstory in public and has appeared on several panelswith me, shares the following account: She hadbeen in couples counseling for about six monthswith her husband, Quentin, when one day thetherapist decided it was time to get the ballrolling. He said, “These session have graduallystopped going anywhere, and I think I know why.Irene, you’re not opening up very much, and Ithink you need to take more emotional risks.”Irene felt that the therapist was right; she had beenexposing very little week to week. So she decidedto take the plunge. She told the therapist aboutQuentin’s abuse of her, which includedconsiderable physical violence and the downward

emotional spiral she had been in as a result.Quentin appeared moved and shaken, his eyesreddening as if he might cry at any moment. “Ihave really been in denial about my violence,” hetold the therapist, “and I haven’t been facing howbadly it has been affecting Irene.” The therapistfelt that a crucial barrier to progress had beenovercome. “Now,” he declared, “I think yourcouples work can begin to yield results for you.”On the drive home from the session, Quentinkept one hand on the steering wheel. In the otherhand he clutched a large handful of Irene’s hair ashe repeatedly slammed her head into thedashboard, screaming, “I told you to never fuckingtalk to anyone about that, you bitch! You promisedme! You’re a fucking liar!” and similar insults in anonstop rant. After hearing Irene’s account, I wascareful to never again underestimate the risk to anabused woman of conjoint therapy.If couples counseling is the only type of helpyour partner is willing to get—because he wants

to make sure that he can blame the problem onyou—you may think, Well, it’s better than notgetting any counseling at all. And maybe thetherapist will see the things he does and convincehim to get help. But even if the therapist were toconfront him, which is uncommon, he would justsay: “You turned the therapist against me”—thesame way he handles any other challenges.Some couples therapists have said to me:“Before I work with a couple whose relationshiphas involved abuse, I insist on clear agreementsthat there won’t be any abuse while they are intherapy with me and no paybacks for anything thatgets said in a session.” Such agreements aremeaningless, unfortunately, because abusers feelno obligation to honor them; virtually everyabuser I’ve ever worked with feels entitled tobreak his word if he has “good enough reason,”which includes any time that he is really upset byhis partner. Increasingly, therapists across theUnited States and Canada are refusing to engage

in couples or family sessions with an abuser,which is the responsible course of action.THE ABUSIVE MAN IN INDIVIDUALTHERAPYThe more psychotherapy a client of mine hasparticipated in, the more impossible I usually findit is to work with him. The highly “therapized”abuser tends to be slick, condescending, andmanipulative. He uses the psychological conceptshe has learned to dissect his partner’s flaws anddismiss her perceptions of abuse. He takesresponsibility for nothing that he does; he movesin a world where there are only unfortunatedynamics, miscommunications, symbolic acts. Heexpects to be rewarded for his emotionalopenness, handled gingerly because of his“vulnerability,” colluded with in skirting thedamage he has done, and congratulated for hisinsight. Many years ago, a violent abuser in my

program shared the following with us: “Fromworking in therapy on my issues about angertoward my mother, I realized that when I punchedmy wife, it wasn’t really her I was hitting. It wasmy mother!” He sat back, ready for us to expressour approval of his self-awareness. My colleaguepeered through his glasses at the man,unimpressed by this revelation. “No,” he said,“you were hitting your wife.”I have yet to meet an abuser who has made anymeaningful and lasting changes in his behaviortoward female partners through therapy,regardless of how much “insight”—most of itfalse—that he may have gained. The fact is that ifan abuser finds a particularly skilled therapist andif the therapy is especially successful, when he isfinished he will be a happy, well-adjustedabuser—good news for him, perhaps, but notsuch good news for his partner. Psychotherapy canbe very valuable for the issues it is devised toaddress, but partner abuse is not one of them; an

abusive man needs to be in a specialized program,as we will see.THE ABUSER PROGRAMBringing about change in an abuser generallyrequires four elements:(1) consequences, (2)education, (3) confrontation, and (4)accountability. Consequences, the first item on thelist, are manifested primarily through the abuser’sexperience of losing his relationship (at leasttemporarily if not permanently), or through thelegal system if he has committed any abuserelatedcrimes, such as threats or assaults. He mayalso experience consequences in the form ofciriticism or disapproval from other people in hislife.The abuser program has responsibility for itemstwo and three, providing the abusive man witheducation about abuse and confronting him withhis attitudes and excuses. A high-quality abuser

program is entirely different from therapy. Thecritical distinctions include:Therapy focuses on the man’s feelingsand gives him empathy and support, nomatter how unreasonable the attitudesthat are giving rise to those feelings. Anabuser program, on the other hand,focuses on his thinking. The feelings thatthe abuser program discusses areprimarily his partner’s and his children’s,not his.Therapy involves few rules, or none,governing what the man is allowed to doduring the period he is in therapy. Theabuser program requires the man torefrain from all physical violence andthreats and to work seriously on reducinghis verbal aggression and other forms ofpsychological abuse, or he can’t stay inthe program.

An abusive man’s therapist usually willnot speak to the abused woman, whereasthe counselor of a high-quality abuserprogram always does.Therapy typically will not address any ofthe central causes of abusiveness,including entitlement, coercive control,disrespect, superiority, selfishness, orvictim blaming. An abuser program isexpected to cover all of these issues andin fact to make them its primary focus.An abuser program is expected toprovide the man with education aboutabuse, to counsel him on how to applythose concepts to his own life, and toconfront his abusive attitudes andexcuses. It is rare for therapy to do any ofthese things.At the same time, an abuser program possessesno more magic than anyone else. The man who

makes major life changes as a result of attendingan abuser program is the one who chooses towork the program, not the one who sits back andwaits for the program to “help” him, expectingservice as he usually does. The successful clientneither fights his counselors every step of the way,telling them what ignorant idiots they are, norkisses up to them unctuously while claiming thatthe program has caused him to see the light.Rather, he comes weekly with a seriousness ofpurpose, practices what he is told, and tries to faceup to the damage he has done.I regret to say that a majority of abusers choosenot to do the work. It isn’t that they can’t change(any abuser who doesn’t have a major mentalillness can change) but that they decide they don’twish to. They run a sort of cost-benefit analysis intheir heads and decide that the rewards ofremaining in control of their partners outweigh thecosts. They decide that to consider seriously theperspective their counselors are presenting to them

is just too uncomfortable and difficult and offendstheir arrogant sense of certainty about everything—at least, about everything having to do withrelationships and the particular women they arewith.Later in this chapter I offer some suggestions onhow you can increase the likelihood that yourpartner will be among those who do overcometheir abusiveness. Bear in mind, though, that theultimate choice is his; the saying “You can lead ahorse to water but you can’t make him drink”applies particularly well here.HOW DO I KNOW IF HIS ABUSERPROGRAM IS A GOOD ONE?The first test of the quality of an abuser program iswhether the main goal of the staff membersappears to be helping you or helping him. In aresponsible program the abused woman isconsidered the primary client. The only

“assistance” they should be offering to the man isto educate and challenge him about his abusiveattitudes and behaviors. He, on the other hand,may have numerous other goals—to get backtogether with you, to get more visitation with thechildren or reduce his child support payments, toescape criminal charges—but the program has nobusiness assisting him with any of these; the lastthing an abused woman needs is more peoplehelping her abuser to work against her.Those in charge of an abuser program shoulddo the following:Contact you quickly after your partnerenters the program. In this call, theyshould ask you to give a history of hisabusive behavior and of any substanceabuse, and tell you where to go forabused women’s services.Warn you that only a minority of abusersmake lasting changes and that a few

actually get worse from participating inan abuser program.Tell you the rules he has to follow to bein the program.Describe to you the topics that will becovered in his group meetings and giveyou as much detail about those sessionsas you request.Give you any information you requestabout his attendance and the attitudes heexpresses in the program, and about anyspecific statements he makes in groupthat you would like to know. They shouldnot be promising him any confidentialitywith respect to you.Devote most sessions at the program todiscussing the core attitudinal andbehavioral issues of abuse (as covered inChapter 3).

Furthermore, you should be given a copy of anywritten reports generated by the program about theabuser, such as court reports. These reports shouldinclude:A full description of all the abuse thatyour partner has admitted to while in theprogram, including psychological abuse,sexual coercion, or violenceAny steps toward change that he hasfailed to make (see the box earlier in thischapter)There are various signs you can watch for thatindicate an abuser program is ineffective:Counselors fail to contact you or to tellyou the limitations of what counseling islikely to accomplish.They tell you that they think he is reallychanging and that he is doing very well

in the program. (They should know thatwhat you see is what matters, not whatthey see; lots of abusers put on a goodshow at the abuser program.)They try to involve you in couplescounseling, suggest that you drop yourrestraining order, encourage you tocommunicate with your partner, oradvocate for his interests in any way.They relay messages to you from him.Their group meetings seem to spend toomuch time teaching him to identify hisfeelings, to apply conflict-resolutionskills, to manage his anger better, or todeal with other issues that do not affecthis underlying beliefs.Their written reports are vague, do notaddress the steps to change (see the boxearlier in this chapter), or give an overlyrosy image of his prospects for change

without describing the steps he still hasleft to take.I know how hard it is for a woman to get herpartner to attend an abuser program. After she’sfinally succeeded in that campaign, I wish I couldtell her that a cure is sure to follow, but it isn’t. Alarge proportion of abusers would rather stay stuckin their old ruts. I consider myself an excellentcounselor for abusive men; I am patient withthem, approaching them as an educator rather thanas a harsh critic. At the same time, I can detectmanipulation; I know what their issues are, and Idon’t allow them to fool me. I have worked withcolleagues whom I believe to be even more skilledthan I, and from whom I have learned volumes.But even the very best counselors give the samereport: It is more common for abusers to stay thesame or get worse than it is for them to make thekinds of changes that bring qualitativeimprovements in the lives of their partners and

children. A responsible abuser programencourages clients who are doing serious work butalways mixes caution with its optimism.If your partner or ex-partner joins an abuserprogram, I recommend that you examine theprogram’s literature carefully, ask lots ofquestions, and advocate for yourself to make surethe program does the kind of work with the manthat you know needs to be done. At the same time,keep your own life moving forward, focusing onyour own healing process, not on the man’sprocess of change. Waiting around for him to getserious about developing respect for you could bea long stall in your own growth and development.Don’t sell yourself short.CREATING A CONTEXT FOR CHANGEAn abuser doesn’t change because he feels guiltyor gets sober or finds God. He doesn’t change afterseeing the fear in his children’s eyes or feeling

them drift away from him. It doesn’t suddenlydawn on him that his partner deserves bettertreatment. Because of his self-focus, combinedwith the many rewards he gets from controllingyou, an abuser changes only when he feels he hasto, so the most important element in creating acontext for change in an abuser is placing him in asituation where he has no other choice. Otherwise,it is highly unlikely that he will ever change hisabusive behavior.Once an abuser has made substantialimprovements, his motivation to sustain thosechanges sometimes does become more internal.But the initial impetus is always external. Eitherhis partner demands change and threatens to leavehim or a court demands change and threatens tojail him. I have never seen a client make a seriouseffort to confront his abusiveness unless somebodyrequired him to do the work. The abuser who trulyenters counseling voluntarily, with no one holdinganything over his head, quits within a few

sessions, unless he finds a counselor he canmanipulate.QUESTION 20:HOW CAN I hELP MYABUSIVE PARTNER CHANGE?Creating a context for change also involves theseelements:1. Establishing consequences for him forcontinued abusiveness. You may be ableto use the legal system to imposesanctions if your partner’s style of abuseis physically violent or threatening, orinvolves sexual assaults. Leaving him isanother good consequence for him,perhaps even better than legalintervention, depending on who he isand how well the police and courts work

where you live. To get an abuser tochange, you have to either prepare toleave him—if you can do so safely—oruse the police and courts, or both.2. Making clear to him what yourexpectations are for his treatment ofyou, including specifically what you arewilling to live with and what you arenot.3. Focusing on your own healing andstrength, so that he senses that he if hedoesn’t change, you are ready to moveon.You cannot, I am sorry to say, get an abuser towork on himself by pleading, soothing, gentlyleading, getting friends to persuade him, or usingany other nonconfrontational method. I havewatched hundreds of women attempt such anapproach without success. The way you can helphim change is to demand that he do so, and settle

for nothing less.It is also impossible to persuade an abusiveman to change by convincing him that he wouldbenefit, because he perceives the benefits ofcontrolling his partner as vastly outweighing thelosses. This is part of why so many men initiallytake steps to change their abusive behavior butthen return to their old ways. There is anotherreason why appealing to his self-interest doesn’twork: The abusive man’s belief that his ownneeds should come ahead of his partner’s is at thecore of his problem. Therefore when anyone,including therapists, tells an abusive man that heshould change because that’s what’s best for him,they are inadvertently feeding his selfish focus onhimself: You can’t simultaneously contribute to aproblem and solve it. Those abusive men whomake lasting changes are the ones who do sobecause they realize how badly they are hurtingtheir partners and children—in other words,because they learn to care about what is good for

others in the family and develop empathy, insteadof caring only about themselves.LEAVING AN ABUSER AS A WAY TOPROMOTE CHANGEBreaking up with an abusive man, or evendeciding to take some time apart, needs to be donewith caution, as I discussed in “Leaving anAbuser Safely” in Chapter 9. But if you feel youcan leave, doing so may help provide the impetusyour partner needs to look at his behavior. If youare separating with the hope that you might getback together in the future, consider the followingsuggestions:Be very clear about what kind of contactyou want to have with your partnerduring the separation, if any. It isgenerally best to have none at all. If youkeep talking to him or seeing him fromtime to time, you will find it much harder

to keep your own thinking clear, becauseyou will tend to miss him even moreintensely, feel sorry for him, and getdrawn in by his promises and his charm.Occasional contact is bad for him, too,not just for you; it feeds his denial of hisproblem, encouraging him to assume thathe can use his usual manipulations toavoid dealing with himself.If you feel that you do want to permitsome contact, consider the specifics. Canhe call you, or do you want to be the onlyone to initiate contact? Can he sendletters? If you are going to see each otherin person, where, when, and how often?Once you make up your mind about theabove questions, be explicit with yourpartner about your wishes for contact andlet him know that you expect yourwishes to be respected. Tell him that ifhe is serious about changing, the first

way he can demonstrate that to you is bygiving you the space you are asking for.Stay away from him for as long as youcan stand it. Get support during thisperiod from friends, relatives, yourreligious community, or anyone else youcan trust to help you stay strong. Attendcounseling or a support group at aprogram for abused women if there is onein your area, even if your partner hasnever been violent. Give yourself asmuch time as possible to healemotionally and to clear your mind.The separation needs to be long enoughto make him really uncomfortable—enough to motivate him to change. Partof what creates discomfort for him is thedawning realization that maybe youreally could live without him. Aseparation that is too short, on the otherhand, will serve in his mind as proof that

you can’t stand to be on your own, so hewill think he can get away with anything.Try to prepare yourself for the possibilitythat he will start to date someone elseduring your separation. This is a commonmove, used to test your strength and getyou to lose your resolve and start seeinghim again. His new relationship is notvery likely to last, so just try to sweat itout.If you decide to get back together withhim, be clear with yourself and with himabout what the rules are for his behavior.The first time he violates one of thoserules—and it is likely that he will—it isof critical importance to take anotherperiod of separation. Your partner doesnot believe that you will go through withsetting limits on his conduct. You need toprove him wrong. He may test you thefirst day you move back in together, or he

may wait two years. But the day willprobably come, so have your responseready.The next separation should be longerthan the first in order to give your partnera clear message and to motivate him tochange. If during the first break youspoke to him occasionally, this timepermit no contact at all for a few months.As always, focus on making yourselfstronger. Pursue new friendships, getexercise, do artwork, or engage inwhatever activity you love the most andthat helps you feel that your life ismoving forward. If you are drinking toomuch or have developed other problems,seek out the help you need and deserve.The more space you get from abuse, theless willing you will be to endure it andthe harder it will be for your (ex-)partnerto con you.

Have you ever noticed that peoplesometimes quit a job soon after returningfrom a vacation? We all have a highertolerance for frustrating or unhealthysituations in our lives when they areconstant, but when we get a little timeaway and then come back, that taste offreedom changes our perspective. Whathad been a dull ache turns into a sharppain and becomes unbearable. The samecan happen to an abused woman. If yougive yourself a long enough taste of lifewithout being cut down all the time, youmay reach a point where you findyourself thinking, Go back to that? Forwhat? Maybe I’ll never stop loving him,but at least I can love him from adistance where he can’t hurt me.If he doesn’t get serious about stoppinghis mistreatment of you, you will come toa day when you feel ready to end the

elationship for good. This may seeminconceivable to you now, however, sojust keep moving forward with your life.Focus on yourself as much as possible,pursuing your own goals and filling yourlife with the activities you enjoy and findsatisfying. Trying too hard to get yourpartner to change is a dead-end street. Todo so keeps you wrapped up in thedynamics of abuse, because an abuserwants you to be preoccupied with him.Only permit him to occupy your thoughtsfor a portion of the day and then reservethe lion’s share of your mental space foryourself.The only time an abusive man will deal with hisissues enough to become someone you can livewith is when you prove to him, and to yourself,that you are capable of living without him. Andonce you succeed in doing so, you may very well

decide that living without him is what you wouldrather do. Keep an open mind, and make sure youare not clipping your own wings on top of theclipping that he has given them. Sometimes Iwork with a woman who is among the fortunateones whose partners do make deep changes, butshe finds that his change has ceased to matter,because she has simply outgrown him. Thefundamental principle, then, is to do what is bestfor you.WHICH ABUSERS ARE MOST LIKELYTO CHANGE?Prediction is difficult. I have had clients who werestellar participants in group and whose partnersreported good progress in the early months, butwho dive-bombed later on, rushing back to theirworst behaviors as if reuniting with dear oldfriends. On the other hand, I have worked withmen who were ornery during group meetings, who

were slow and stubborn about taking in theconcepts, yet who months later stood out forhaving done some of the most serious work onthemselves of anyone in the program.I have noticed some recurring themes amongthose abusers whose changes go the deepest andlast the longest, however:His close friends and relatives recognizethat he is abusive and tell him that heneeds to deal with it. They support theabused woman instead of supportinghim. I have a much more difficult timewith the abuser whose friends and familyback up his excuses and encourage hisdisrespect for the woman.He is lower than others on the scale ofself-centeredness. He tends to show signsearly on of having more empathy thanother clients do for the pain he hascaused his partner, and his empathy

seems more genuine and less theatrical.The highly self-referential, arrogantabuser, on the other hand, believes thathe is above criticism and considers hisown opinions and insights to be the lastword on the planet. So who is going to beable to persuade him that he has beencruel and selfish?His partner gets the most unreserved,unequivocal support from her friends andrelatives, her religious community, andfrom the legal system if she needs it. Themore consistently she receives themessage that the abuse is in no way herfault and that her community intends tostand behind her 100 percent, thestronger and safer she feels to settle fornothing less than fully respectfultreatment from her partner or ex-partner.He joins a high-quality abuser programand stays for a long time—about two

years.But, even in cases where all of these conditionsare met, his progress still depends on whether ornot he decides to carefully and seriously take eachof the steps to change.KEY POINTS TO REMEMBERYou can’t make or even help an abusiveman change. All you can do is create thecontext for change, and the rest is up tohim.You are the best judge of whether or nothe is truly developing respect for you andfor your rights. Don’t put anyone else’sopinions ahead of your own.Change in an abusive man is not vague;it is highly specific. Use the informationin this chapter to measure for yourself

whether he is getting down to the realwork of change or whether he is trying tofly by with the usual nods and winks.An abusive man won’t change by“working on his anger,” unless he alsodoes the more difficult work of changinghis entitled attitudes.Make your own recovery, and that ofyour children, your top priority.Abusiveness is like poison ivy, with itsextensive and entrenched root system.You can’t eradicate it by lopping off thesuperficial signs. It has to come out bythe roots, which are the man’s attitudesand beliefs regarding partnerrelationships.

15Creating an Abuse-free WorldI’ve joined a support group. It feels sogood to talk to people who get it.I met this guy at work who said that mypartner’s behavior is abuse.I’m so grateful for my friends andfamily; they really have been there forme.I told my son that the next time he callsa girl “bitch,” he’s grounded.My daughter’s teacher asked me ifeverything is okay at home. I lied andsaid, “Yes,” but it’s actually really nice

that somebody noticed.PARTNER ABUSE is a cyclone that leaves aswath of destruction behind it as it rips throughthe lives of women and children: destroyed selfconfidence,loss of freedom, stalled progress, fear,bitterness, economic ruin, humiliation, heartbreak,physical injury, ugly custody battles, isolation,wedges driven between mothers and theirchildren, confusion, mistrust between siblings,secrets, lies.No woman should have to live this way.Neither should her children. But there are otherlives that are also affected, because for everyabused woman, there are friends and relatives whosuffer, too, from their worry and pain over whatthey see happening to her. Some of those whoapproach me to share their anguish are men whoare groping desperately for clues to how they canassist their daughters and sisters and mothers whothey see being sliced to ribbons a day at a time. In

fact, it is unusual for me to talk to anyone, male orfemale, whose life has not been saddened at somepoint by an abusive man.In recent years, in my public presentations, Ihave increasingly addressed the effects on childrenwho are exposed to partner abuse. While writingthis book I spoke at a training session for policeofficers, where a young cop who was built tointimidate—about as wide as he was tall—cameup to me privately during a break and said, “Allthis stuff you are talking about went on in myfamily growing up. My old man was just likewhat you describe, always controlling, scaringeverybody. And he drove me and my mom apart,just like you said. But we all saw through himwhen we got older, and me and my mom are closenow.” I told him how happy I was that he hadbecome a police officer, so that when a familycalls for help, they might be sent a cop who cansee through the children’s eyes and remember thatthey are victims too.

We all have a stake in ending abuse, if not forourselves, then for our loved ones who may betargets or bystanders or who may find themselvesmired in an abusive relationship someday. Anyonewho chooses to can play an important role inchasing this scourge out of our homes, ourcommunities, and our nations.Abuse is a solvable problem. We know whereit comes from; we know why abusers are reluctantto change; and we know what it takes to makeabuse stop. Abusers specialize in creating mysteryand intrigue, but when we clear the smoke awaywe are left with an obvious moral wrong and astraightforward task to set it right. All that isrequired is the clarity of our minds and the will ofour communities.Throughout this book, I have been putting forthmy suggestions to abused women about steps thatthey can take to make sense out of what isoccurring, to seek safety, and to set their ownhealing in motion. I have a few more words of

advice for them, but most of this chapter isdirected at everyone—male or female, survivor ofabuse or not, young or old—who is interested inhelping to end abuse.WHAT THE ABUSED WOMAN CAN DOMy primary message to you is this: An abuserdistorts the life and mind of his abused partner, sothat she becomes focused on him. The main wayout of the abuse vortex, therefore, is to reorientyour thinking so that you devote your attention toyourself and to your children. I hope this book hashelped to solve some puzzles for you about what isgoing on in your partner’s mind. Now see if youcan stop puzzling about him and turn your energytoward moving yourself forward on your chosencourse.Most of this chapter talks about the ways inwhich people can transform the attitudes towardabuse that prevail in their communities. Please

don’t concern yourself with these suggestionsunless you are sure you are ready for them. If youjump from trying to take care of your own abusiverelationship to trying to take care of other abusedwomen, you may forget that you deservecaretaking for yourself. Let other people take onthe world for now and just be the “hero of yourown life,” as one book refers to abused women.Taking action in your community against theabuse of women may be an empowering andhealing activity for you, but not if you take it ontoo soon. You’ll know when you’re ready.I have woven practical ideas through all of theprevious chapters. I would like to leave you withjust a few more thoughts:Get support for yourself no matter how.Find someone somewhere who canunderstand what you are going through,who can be trusted with confidences, andwho can help you hold on to your sense

of reality. Reach out.Keep a journal to document yourexperience, so that when your partner ismaking you crazy with mind games orwith sudden “good” behavior, you canlook back through your writings andremember who you really are and whathe really does.Stay away from people who aren’t goodfor you, who don’t understand, who saythings that push you down into selfblame.Do anything you can think of that’s goodfor you, that nurtures your soul. Evenwomen who have extraordinarilycontrolling partners often can find someruse that will free them long enough towork out, take a class, go for a walk, orjust get some time alone to think.Keep your abusive partner out of your

head as much as you can. Use this bookto help you understand what he is doing;naming and understanding is power. Ifyou can understand how he thinks, youcan avoid absorbing his thinking yourselfand prevent him from crawling insideyour head.Don’t blame yourself when you don’treach your goals right away, when, forinstance, you break down and get backtogether with him. Just pull yourselftogether and try again. You will succeedeventually, perhaps even on your verynext attempt.HOW TO SUPPORT AN ABUSEDWOMANQUESTION 21:

HOW CAN I hELP MYDAUGHTER, SISTER, ORFRIEND WHO IS BEINGABUSED?If you would like to make a significant differencein the life of an abused woman you care about,keep the following principle fresh in your mind:Your goal is to be the complete opposite of whatthe abuser is.E ABUSER: Pressures her severelyYOU SHOULD: Be patient. Remember that ittakes time for an abused woman to sort out herconfusion and figure out how to handle hersituation. It is not helpful for her to try to followyour timetable for when she should stand up toher partner, leave him, call the police, or whateverstep you want her to take. You need to respect herjudgment regarding when she is ready to take

action—something the abuser never does.E ABUSER: Talks down to herYOU SHOULD: Address her as an equal. Avoidall traces of condescension or superior knowledgein your voice. This caution applies just as much ormore to professionals. If you speak to an abusedwoman as if you are smarter or wiser than she is,or as if she is going through something that couldnever happen to you, then you inadvertentlyconfirm exactly what the abuser has been tellingher, which is that she is beneath him. Remember,your actions speak louder than your words.E ABUSER: Thinks he knows what is good forher better than she doesYOU SHOULD: Treat her as the expert on herown life. Don’t assume that you know what sheneeds to do. I have sometimes given abusedwomen suggestions that I thought were exactly

ight but turned out to be terrible for that particularsituation. Ask her what she thinks might workand, without pressuring her, offer suggestions,respecting her explanations for why certaincourses of action would not be helpful. Don’t tellher what to do.E ABUSER: Dominates conversationsYOU SHOULD: Listen more and talk less. Thetemptation may be great to convince her what a“jerk” he is, to analyze his motives, to givespeeches covering entire chapters of this book. Buttalking too much inadvertently communicates toher that your thoughts are more important thanhers, which is exactly how the abuser treats her. Ifyou want her to value her own feelings andopinions, then you have to show her that you valuethem.E ABUSER: Believes he has the right to controlher life

YOU SHOULD: Respect her right to selfdetermination.She is entitled to make decisionsthat are not exactly what you would choose,including the decision to stay with her abusivepartner or to return to him after a separation. Youcan’t convince a woman that her life belongs toher if you are simultaneously acting like it belongsto you. Stay by her even when she makes choicesthat you don’t like.E ABUSER: Assumes he understands herchildren and their needs better than she doesYOU SHOULD: Assume that she is acompetent, caring mother. Remember that there isno simple way to determine what is best for thechildren of an abused woman. Even if she leavesthe abuser, the children’s problems are notnecessarily over, and sometimes abusers actuallycreate worse difficulties for the childrenpostseparation than before. You cannot help her tofind the best path for her children unless you have

a realistic grasp of the complicated set of choicesthat face her.E ABUSER: Thinks for herYOU SHOULD: Think with her. Don’t assumethe role of teacher or rescuer. Instead, join forceswith her as a respectful and equal team member.Notice that being the opposite of the abuserdoes not simply mean saying the opposite of whathe says. If he beseeches her with, “Don’t leaveme, don’t leave me,” and you stand on the otherside badgering her with, “Leave him, leave him,”she will feel that you’re much like him; you areboth pressuring her to accept your judgment ofwhat she should do. Neither of you is asking theempowering question, “What do you want to do?”DEALING WITH YOUR OWNFRUSTRATIONS

Because empowerment and recovery for an abusedwoman can be a long process, people who want tobe there for her tend to go through periods whentheir patience wears thin. They are tempted to aimtheir frustration at the woman herself, saying,“Well, if you put such a low value on yourself asto choose to be abused, I can’t keep hangingaround,” or “If you care about him more than youcare about your children, you’re as sick as he is.” Iunderstand why you feel irritated, but it doesn’tmake sense to put her down. The message yousend with such an outburst is that you think she iscausing herself to be abused, which is just whatthe abuser is telling her. And the last thing youwant to do is support his message.One of the biggest mistakes made by peoplewho wish to help an abused woman is to measuresuccess by whether or not she leaves her abusivepartner. If the woman feels unable or unready toend her relationship, or if she does separate for aperiod but then goes back to him, people who

have attempted to help tend to feel that their effortfailed and often channel this frustration intoblaming the abused woman. A better measure ofsuccess for the person helping is how well youhave respected the woman’s right to run her ownlife—which the abusive man does not do—andhow well you have helped her to think ofstrategies to increase her safety. If you stayfocused on these goals you will feel less frustratedas a helper and will be a more valuable resourcefor the woman.Here is a mental exercise you can do to help youthrough your impatience. Think about your ownlife for a moment, and consider some problem thathas been difficult for you to solve. Perhaps youhave had difficulty finding a job you really like;perhaps you have a weight problem or some otherhealth problem; perhaps you wish to quitsmoking; perhaps you are unhappy in your currentrelationship or unhappy being single. Now thinkabout a time when friends or relatives were

jumping in to tell you what you should do aboutthe challenge facing you. How much did thathelp? Did they gloss over the complexities,making solutions sound simpler than they reallyare? Did they become impatient when you werereluctant to take the steps that they proposed?How did their impatience feel to you?Other people’s problems almost always appearsimpler than our own. Sentences that start with “IfI were you, I would…” rarely help. When peoplestart to impose their solutions on me, for example,I feel the desire to respond: “If you are such anexpert on how I should wend my way throughlife’s obstacles, why are there still importantsources of unhappiness in your life? Why haven’tyou made everything perfect for yourself?” No lifesituation is as simple as it may appear from theoutside.When your frustration is about to get the best ofyou, seek support for yourself. Talk to someoneyou care about. Share how painful it is to be

unable to instantly pluck the abused woman fromher thorny trap, which of course is what you wishyou could do, as do I. Tell about the rage you feeltoward the man who is abusing her. Then prepareyourself to go back and be patient and loving withthe woman you are trying to help. Abused womentell me over and over again that nothing hasmattered more to their progress toward safety andrecovery than the love and support of friends,relatives, and respectful professionals.One more word of caution: I observe that manypeople are eager to find something wrong with anabused woman, because if they can’t, they areconfronted with the uncomfortable reality that anywoman can be abused. The urge to find fault inher interferes with your ability to help her—andultimately colludes with the abusive man.WHAT IF SHE DOESN’T BELIEVE SHEIS BEING ABUSED?

Family and friends of an abused womansometimes ask me how they can get her to realizethat her partner is an abuser. They complain: “Shealways makes excuses for him. She has theseideas about how to make him get better, like byhelping him find a less stressful job, thatobviously aren’t going to work. And she blamesherself, saying that she’s the one who sets him offa lot of times. She’s in a lot of denial.”She may actually be more aware of the abusethan she is willing to say. Her shame, and her fearthat other people will pressure or criticize her, maymake her pretend she doesn’t see. If she has beenwith her partner for a long time, or if he isespecially scary or crazy-making, she may beexperiencing traumatic bonding (see Chapter 9).Or she may believe that her partner is right—thather behavior really is the root of their difficulties,not his. In any event, you will not be able to“make her” see her partner’s abusiveness anymore than she can “make him” see it. I wish I

could say otherwise, because I know how difficultit is for an abused woman’s loved ones to acceptthe limits on what they can do.Here are a few steps you can take, however:Tell her that you don’t like the way she isbeing treated and that you don’t think shedeserves it.Tell her you love her and that you thinkshe is a good person.Ask her to read this book. You alsomight hand her one of the other bookslisted under “Resources” in the back ofthis one.Ask her if she would be willing to makeplans with you for ways to respond tospecific situations of abuse as they arise.See, for example, if she would agree tocall you the next time her partner starts toyell at her. Offer to pay for her to spendthe night at a hotel the next time he gets

scary. Ask whether she could make anexcuse to come and visit you on her ownfor a week over the summer, so that shemight get a chance to clear her head a bit.You may think of other alternatives ofyour own.If you ever think she is in danger at aparticular moment—if, for example, shecalls you in the midst of violence orthreats—call the police in her area andtell them what is happening.Call her or write her often, even if shenever seems to return calls, unless sheasks you not to (which would indicatethat he punishes her for being in contactwith people).Treat her consistently well. She’ll feel thedifference between what you do and whathe does.Encourage her to call a program for

abused women “just to talk.” She doesnot need to give them her name or hertelephone number, and she doesn’t evenhave to believe that she is being abused.She can call for support and realitychecks and just to describe her strugglesin her relationship. The first call to awomen’s program sometimes breaks theice so that it gets easier for her to reachout for help again.You may wonder why I stated earlier that abuseis a solvable problem, yet now I am saying thatyou sometimes will have to watch and wait. Tosay that we can end abuse in our communitiesdoes not mean that we can rescue each individualabused woman right this minute. To help yourfriend or relative achieve an abuse-free life maytake some time. To achieve an abuse-free societywill take a lot of effort on many levels, as we willsee.

Finally, do yourself one great favor: Read To Bean Anchor in the Storm, a wonderful book thathas been written precisely for the loved ones ofabused women (see “Resources”) and is filledwith wisdom from cover to cover.REACHING THE ABUSERIf I were asked to select one salient characteristicof my abusive clients, an aspect of their nature thatstands out above all the others, I would choosethis one: They feel profoundly justified. Everyeffort to reach an abuser must be based on theantidote to this attitude: Abuse is wrong; you areresponsible for your own actions; no excuse isacceptable; the damage you are doing isincalculable; your problem is yours alone tosolve.Who has the opportunity to have an impact onan abuser’s thinking, and what can they do?FRIENDS AND FAMILY

You are the front line. You have a better chance ofturning around an abuser’s attitude than everyoneelse—the abused woman, a therapist, an abuserprogram, the courts—put together. You are thehardest ones to discredit. He dismisses the otherson the list with a wave of his hand, because theyare “crazy” or “liars” or “hysterical” or “antimale.”But when his loved ones criticize him, heis likely to experience some uncertainty for thefirst time.Here are some guidelines to follow:1. When someone you care about isaccused of abuse, don’t tell yourself thatit can’t possibly be true. Unfortunately,when an abuser complains to hisrelatives in an outraged voice, “Mypartner accuses me of being abusive,”they generally jump blindly to his side.They shake their head in disgust andoutrage, and respond: “How could she

say that about you? What a bitch!”Nobody asks any questions.Instead of falling prey to this knee-jerkreaction, begin by finding out all youcan. What exactly does he do that shefinds abusive? How does she say she isaffected by him? What does she wanthim to do differently? He will respond tothese questions by making her soundridiculous. He may say, for example,“She says that if I’m ever grouchy or ina bad mood, that’s abuse. Every timeshe doesn’t get her way, she labels mean abuser.” Keep pressing him aboutwhat her perspective is. Ask him to giveexamples of specific interactions.Refuse to jump on his bandwagon.Show him that you are reservingjudgment.Next, have a private conversation withhis partner. Tell her that he has revealed

that she feels abused and that you wouldlike to know what her concerns are. Shemay tell you very little, depending onhow much she feels she can trust you.But if she does open up, you are likelyto find that she doesn’t come outsounding like a crazy bully the way hewould like you to believe her to be.When a woman complains of abuse, thegreat majority of the time she has validand important complaints about how herpartner is treating her.2. Don’t repeat to him confidences she hasshared with you unless she gives youclear permission. You may be persuadedthat he isn’t the type to retaliate, but sheknows better. Ask her which issues orevents are safe for you to bring up withhim and which ones are not. To theextent that she gives you the go-ahead,press him to think carefully about her

complaints and to make theimprovements in his behavior that she isrequesting.3. Don’t ignore events you witnessdirectly. It is awkward to address aloved one’s conduct toward his partner,but silence implies acceptance. Talk toeach of them separately, raising yourconcerns about his behavior.4. Follow up, especially with her. Find amoment to ask her privately whether ornot the problem is persistent, and whatkind of help she could use.I understand and value the loyalty of familymembers to each other. There is a naturaltemptation to speak out forcefully against abuseuntil the man whose behavior is under themicroscope is one of our own, and then we switchsides. But we can’t have it both ways. Abusewon’t stop until people stop making exceptions for

their own brothers and sons and friends.Supporting a woman against a man’sabusiveness does not necessarily mean taking herside in every conflict in their relationship. Theymay have huge issues between them that are atangled mess—collisions about finances or childrearing or choices of friends—in addition to theabuse. When you challenge a loved one aboutmistreating his partner, he will say: “You aresiding with her; she’s turned you against me.”Respond to these distortions by saying: “I am notagainst you; I am against your hurtful behavior.I’m not saying that she’s right about every issuebetween you. What I am saying is that you won’tbe able to work out any of those other differencesunless you first deal with your abuse problem. Aslong as you keep bullying her, you are thenumber-one problem.”Nothing would work faster to end the abuse ofwomen than having the friends and family ofabusive men stop enabling them. And that begins,

in turn, with making sure that you listen carefullyand respectfully to her side of the story—something the abusive man never does.THERAPISTS, CLERGYPEOPLE, ANDOTHER COUNSELORSWhile an abused woman may sometimesapproach a counselor and describe her strugglestraightforwardly, an abuser speaks in terms thatare less direct. He seeks help not because hesenses that he is abusive but because he is tired ofthe tension in his home or is afraid that hisrelationship is going to split up. He will nottypically volunteer the fact that he swears, tearshis partner down, or frightens her. If he isphysically violent, he will almost certainly makeno spontaneous mention of that fact. However, hemay give various hints. Some common onesinclude:“I have a bad temper, and I lose my coolsometimes.”

“My girlfriend claims that I don’t treat herright.”“My partner is always making eyes at othermen.”“My wife attacked me, so I had to defendmyself, and she got hurt.”None of these statements is proof of abuse initself, but each one is adequate cause for seriousconcern and should be treated as an indication thatthe counselor needs to ask many questions aboutthe man’s behavior and his partner’s perspective.I recommend that counselors use tremendouscaution in accepting a man’s claim that he hasbeen falsely accused of abuse or that he is thevictim of a violent or controlling woman. Youcould easily become an unwitting source ofsupport and justification for his psychological—orphysical—assaults on his partner. Remain neutraluntil you have learned a great deal about his

circumstances and attitudes.When you are concerned that a man might havean abuse problem, ask him to talk in detail abouthis partner’s perspective and feelings aboutvarious aspects of her life, including her view ofconflicts with him. The abuser will typically havedifficulty looking through her eyes with sympathyand detail, especially with respect to hergrievances against him. The more he ridicules andtrivializes her point of view, the greater reason youhave to believe that the problem lies with him. Atthe same time, if you keep asking what she wouldsay, you will find that you often get critical cluesto what his behavior and attitude problems are.Whether or not you suspect abuse, it is alwaysvaluable to provide some basic education to anymale about partner abuse. Give some examples ofabusive behaviors, describe their destructiveimpact on women and children, and explain that aman is entirely responsible for his own actions. Ifyou hear him use other people’s behavior as an

excuse for his own or if he blames stress oralcohol, point out that he is rationalizing hismistreatment of his partner. If he admits to abuseat any point, encourage him to contact an abuserprogram.POLICE, PROSECUTORS, JUDGES, ANDPROBATION OFFICERSVarious guidelines for law enforcement personnelare included in Chapter 12. I will review just threecritical points here: (1) Abusers need to sufferconsequences for their actions now, not justreceive warnings of future sanctions, which havelittle impact on abusers. (2) He can’t overcome hisabuse problem by dealing with anything otherthan the abuse. Working on stress or angermanagement, alcoholism, or relationshipdynamics will have little or no impact on a man’sabusiveness. (3) Criticism from people inpositions of authority can sometimes have thegreatest impact of any fallout that abusersexperience. On the other hand, language from

professionals that excuses or minimizes abuse, orthat attributes responsibility partly to the victim—as in the case of a probation officer who says to aman: “You and your wife really need to work outyour issues and stop abusing each other”—makesan important contribution to enabling the abuser.COMMUNITIESAny community group or agency can help reachabusive men by prominently displaying postersagainst abuse and disseminating brochures andother literature. Bear in mind that materials thatprominently feature words such as abuse orviolence can be useful in getting the attention ofabused women, but abusers tend to think, Thatisn’t me they’re talking to. Instead, use simplequestions and descriptions, such as:“Do you have a problem with your temper?”“Has your wife or girlfriend ever complainedof being afraid of you?”

“Do you sometimes swear or call her names?”“Do you ever blame your behavior on yourpartner?”The smaller print should explain that there is noexcuse for a man to insult, frighten, isolate, or lieto his partner, even if he feels that she does thesame things. Descriptions of laws and potentiallegal consequences are helpful, including the factthat he can be arrested for pushing, poking,restraining, or threatening his partner, even if hedoes not hit her. Few men are aware of thispossibility, and abusers are shocked when they getarrested for such “lower-level” violence. If yourarea has a high-quality abuser program include thetelephone number, but remember that few abusersfollow through on counseling unless someonedemands it of them. The main purpose of yourposters and pamphlets is to educate abusers andpotential abusers about community values.An abuser rejects at first what he hears from

any of these sources. But when positive socialmessages begin to line up, that’s another matter. Ihave occasionally had physically abusive clients,for example, who have been criticized by thearresting officer, then prosecuted fully, thencriticized by the judge—in addition to having asentence imposed—then criticized by theprobation officer, and then finally confronted in anabuser program. This man may also see a programon television about abuse or read a pamphlet inthe waiting room of a doctor’s office. His ownmother or brother may tell him that he needs tostop bullying his partner. If all these differentvoices reinforce each other, saying that he isresponsible for his own actions, refusing to let himblame the victim, breaking the silence about thepain he is causing, and insisting that theresponsibility to change rests on his shouldersalone, the abuser’s vast sense of entitlement startsto shrink. I have watched it happen. Here is wherechange can begin.

REMEMBERING THE CHILDRENAmid the screaming and insults, behind thecascade of accusations and counteraccusations,lost in our panic as we see a woman beingrepeatedly psychologically hammered orphysically beaten, we can forget that the abuserhas other victims too. The children can becomeinvisible. The police who go on a domestic abusecall sometimes have been known to forget to evenask whether there are children in the home. Thesechildren recede into the corners, trying to keepthemselves safe, and may remain unnoticed untilthey are old enough to try to jump in to protecttheir mothers.As is true with almost every approach to abuse,we have to begin by breaking the silence. Ask themother privately how she feels her children arebeing affected by the man’s behavior and by thetension it creates. Does he abuse her in front ofthem? How do they react? What are her concerns

about them? What does she feel they need?(Remember, think with her, not for her.)Break secrecy with the children as well. Letthem know that you are aware of what ishappening and that you care about their feelings.Ask:“How are things going at home for you?”“Is it hard for you when your parents argue?”“What happens when they get mad at eachother?”“Does anyone at your house ever hurt any oneelse’s feelings, or frighten anyone?”“Would you like to tell me about that?”Even if the child answers no to all of yourinquiries, you have demonstrated that he or shematters to you and that you understand that the

abuse—without calling it that—can be hurtful orfrightening. Then leave the door open to futurecommunication by saying: “You can tell me aboutyour life at home any time you want. It’s okay totalk about it. Children can get upset sometimeswhen their parents argue.”Notice that I recommend using soft terms thatneither name abuse nor assign responsibility for ituntil you find out how much the child knows. Thislanguage is important to avoid alerting children topainful dynamics of which they may not be aware.This guideline should be reversed, however, if thechild does disclose abuse directly to you or if youknow that he or she has directly witnessed explicitverbal or physical abuse toward the mother. Thenit becomes important not to use neutral terms;children of abused women already feel that theythemselves and their mothers are at least partly atfault, and you do not want to reinforce thosehurtful misconceptions. So once the secret is out,avoid evenhanded language such as the problems

etween your parents or the mean things theysometimes do to each other.Children do need to hear the followingmessages:“It’s not your fault if someone in thefamily says mean things or hurtssomeone.”“It’s not your mother’s fault if someonetreats her badly.”“No one should ever blame you forbeing mean to you or hurting you.”“A child can’t really protect his or hermother, and it isn’t the child’s job.”The term abuse doesn’t mean anything tochildren younger than ten or twelve but may beuseful in speaking with teenagers. In general,descriptions work better than labels.If the abuser is the children’s father or fatherfigure, take particular caution not to speak badly

of him as a person but only to name and criticizehis actions. Children do not want to hear that theirdad is mean, selfish, or bad. In cases where theabuser is dangerous, it is helpful to discuss therisks with the children, both to help them protectthemselves and to validate their reality. However,even a violent, dangerous abuser is a humanbeing, and children tend to be acutely tuned in tothe humanity of anyone they know well. Don’ttalk about him as if he were a monster. You cansay, for example, “Your dad has a problem thatmakes him unsafe sometimes, doesn’t he?” Theseare terms that make sense to children.Those community members who work with thechildren of abused women in a professionalcapacity, such as teachers, police officers,therapists, or court employees, can increase theireffectiveness by being sensitive to the familydynamics that partner abuse creates and byremembering how manipulative abusers can be.Too many children of abused women are labeled

“ADD” or “ADHD” and given medication insteadof receiving the assistance they need. Childrenneed us to take an interest in their predicament,help them to learn positive values, and supporttheir crucial connection to their mothers.INFLUENCING YOUR COMMUNITY’SRESPONSE TO ABUSEOne-on-one approaches to overcoming abuse workwell only when the wider community pullstogether to create an environment in which thevictims are supported and the abusers heldaccountable. You can play a role in making yourcommunity an abuse-free zone, a haven whereabused women know that they can count oncomplete support and where abusers know thatthey will not succeed in gaining sympathy for theirexcuses or in avoiding the consequences of theiractions.Here are just a few of the many steps you can

take:Offer to help your local program forabused women as a volunteer, fundraiser,public speaker, or board member.These programs are always short of bothhelp and funds, because the number ofabused women needing assistance is sotragically high. Many programs offer freeor low-cost training for volunteers.Get involved with an abuser program ifthere is one in your area. You can betrained to be a counselor for abusers or tobe an advocate for abused women withinthe abuser program. Use your influenceto guide the program to keep improvingthe support it offers abused women andtheir children and the quality ofeducation and counseling it provides theabusers. If no local program exists,contact one of the abuser programs listed

in “Resources” in the back of this bookfor guidance in starting one up.Join or start an organization devoted toeducation and activism regarding theabuse of women. Such groups distributeliterature, hold protests, promote moreeffective laws, sponsor artistic projectsrelated to domestic abuse, and takemany, many other forms of courageousand creative action to end abuse. Yourlocal program for abused women mayhave a “social action” or similarly namedcommittee, but efforts to promote socialchange are sometimes more effectivewhen they come out of a separateorganization that is not tryingsimultaneously to provide services.Bring programs into your school systemthat teach respect and equality forfemales and that make children aware ofrelationship abuse.

Join your local domestic abuse task force,or start one if none exists. An effectivetask force (or “roundtable”) includesrepresentatives from as many communityinstitutions as possible that deal withfamilies affected by abuse. Invitetherapists, clergypeople, schoolpersonnel, police, personnel from thedistrict attorney’s office, and courtpersonnel as well as staff from programsfor abused women and for abusers. Suchtask forces have been multiplying rapidlyover the past ten years, with countlesslaudable accomplishments incoordinating services, launching newprograms, and educating the public.Help to get services going in your areafor children of abused women, especiallycounseling groups. Press therapists whowork with children to educate themselveson the issue of partner abuse and its

effects on children who are exposed to it.Participate in public education effortsregarding the reinjuring of abusedwomen and their children throughcustody and visitation litigation. Formore information on all of thesesuggestions, see “Resources” at the backof this book.Join educational efforts in secondaryschools regarding abuse in teen datingrelationships, in order to stop abusebefore it starts. See the section on teenissues in “Resources”.)Advocate for expanded welfare benefitsand other forms of public economicsupport for abused women. The cuts inpublic assistance over the past decadehave often made it much more difficultfor abused women to leave their partners,especially if they have children. Womencan’t leave abusive men if they are

economically trapped.Protest TV and print media portrayalsthat glorify abuse and sexual assault orthat blame victims, including newscoverage.If you are a former abused woman who isno longer with her abuser, considertelling your story in public. There is atremendous need for women who havehad personal experience with abuse to goto social service agencies, schools, policedepartments, and other groups and helppeople to grasp more deeply what abuselooks like and what tremors it sendsthrough so many lives. I have often seenprofessionals and other communitymembers transformed by hearing theaccount of a real-life woman who haslived with psychological or physicalassault.

Support women who are survivors ofabuse to take leadership in yourcommunity, and make sure that they arerepresented on all task forces and policymakingbodies addressing domesticabuse.CHANGING THE CULTUREAbuse is the product of a mentality that excusesand condones bullying and exploitation, thatpromotes superiority and disrespect, and that castsresponsibility on to the oppressed. All efforts toend the abuse of women ultimately have to returnto this question: How do we change societalvalues so that women’s right to live free of insults,invasion, disempowerment, and intimidation isrespected?One way is simply to declare out loud to peoplein your life that women have these rightsunconditionally. Much of modern society remains

egrettably unclear on this point. I still hear:“Well, he shouldn’t have called her a ‘slut,’ butshe did dance all night with another man.” I hear:“He did keep hassling her at her job even whenshe told him to stay away, but he was heartbrokenover their breakup.” I hear: “He did use someforce in having sex with her, but she had really ledhim on to believe that they were going all the waythat night.” You can influence your friends, yourreligious group, your bowling club, your relativesby having the courage to stand up and say:“Abuse of a woman is wrong—period.”Next, put on pressure against songs, videos,“humor,” and other media that aid and abetabusers. The flood of complaints regardingEminem’s Grammy award succeeded inpressuring CBS to run a public-serviceannouncement about domestic abuse during thebroadcast and led the Grammy’s president to readan antiviolence statement from the podium. Astream of complaints flowed into Simon &

Schuster for distributing a video game in whichthe object was for the male character tosuccessfully rape a female, who was a tied-upNative American woman. When the public decriesthe cultural agents that teach or excuse abuse, theculture receives another strong push in the rightdirection.Refuse to go along with jokes that insult ordegrade women. If you are a man, your refusal tofall in step with destructive jokes and commentscan be especially powerful. When someone tellsyou, “It’s just a joke,” answer by asking, “How doyou think an abuser reacts when he hears thisjoke? Do you think it helps him realize the harmhe is doing? Or do you think that his sense ofjustification gets even more solid than it was?”Encourage the women in your life—yourfriends, sisters, mothers, daughters—to insist ondignity and respect, to have faith in themselves, tobe proud. Expect boys and men to be respectful,kind, and responsible, and don’t settle for less.

Again, men have a particularly important role toplay in cultural change. When a father tells hisson, “I don’t want to hear you saying bad thingsabout girls,” or “No, I’m not going to let you havea ‘boys only’ birthday party, that’s prejudiced,”the boy sits up and takes notice. The “Resources”section includes some organizations that areparticularly involved in helping men takeleadership against the abuse of women. Vocalleadership by men makes it much more difficultfor abusers to claim that the battle over abuse isone between men and women rather than betweenabusers and everyone else.Finally, promote alternatives to abuse andoppression by recognizing how intertwineddifferent forms of abuse and mistreatment are. Theopposite of arrogantly defining reality is listeningrespectfully to each person’s perspective. Theopposite of placing yourself above other people isseeing them as equals. The opposite ofestablishing a hierarchy in which the top few

people lounge comfortably while everyone elsegets squashed is sharing resources. The oppositeof madly scrambling to the top, whether it’s thetop of the corporate ladder, the top of the softballleague, or the top of the household pecking order,is building communities devoted to cooperationand support, where everyone wins. To consider aworld without relationship abuse is to open up toeven more profound possibilities, to the potentialfor human beings to live in harmony with eachother and with their natural environment.Anger and conflict are not the problem; they arenormal aspects of life. Abuse doesn’t come frompeople’s inability to resolve conflicts but from oneperson’s decision to claim a higher status thananother. So while it is valuable, for example, toteach nonviolent conflict-resolution skills toelementary school students—a popular initiativenowadays—such efforts contribute little bythemselves to ending abuse. Teaching equality,teaching a deep respect for all human beings—

these are more complicated undertakings, but theyare the ones that count.Some people may feel that I am unrealistic tobelieve in a world that is free of abuse. But wordslike unrealistic, naive, and impractical come fromvoices of superiority who use them as put-downsto get people to stop thinking for themselves.Abuse does affect us all. If you haven’t beeninvolved with an abusive partner yourself, even ifno woman that you love has ever suffered chronicmistreatment, the quality of your life is stilldragged down, your horizons still circumscribed,by the existence of abuse and the culture thatdrives it. The voice of abuse takes so manydifferent forms. You can hear it each time achild’s dreams are shot down by an adult whothinks he or she knows it all. It rings in the ears ofanyone who has ever been ridiculed for crying. Itechoes through the mind of each person who hasdared to put a name to his or her ownmistreatment, or to the cruelty directed toward

someone else, and then has been derided withstinging words such as sissy or mama’s boy orhysterical or thousands of others.If you choose to believe that your life could befree of abuse, or that the whole world could be,you will be taunted by similar voices, someoriginating inside your own head. Some peoplefeel threatened by the concept that abuse is asolvable problem, because if it is, there’s noexcuse for not solving it. Abusers and their alliesare reluctant to face up to the damage they havedone, make amends, and live differently in thefuture, so they may choose to insult those whoaddress the problem of abuse. But the taunts andinvalidation will not stop you, nor will they stopthe rest of us, because the world has come too farto go back. There are millions of people who havetaken stands against partner abuse across theglobe and are now unwilling to retreat, just likethe woman who gets a taste of life without theabuser and then can’t live under his control

anymore, because the taste of freedom andequality is too sweet.KEY POINTS TO REMEMBEROnce we tear the cover of excuses,distortions, and manipulations off ofabusers, they suddenly find abuse muchharder to get away with.If Mothers Against Drunk Driving canchange the culture’s indifference toalcohol-related automotive deaths, wecan change the culture’s attitude towardpartner abuse.Everyone has a role to play in endingabuse.If you are trying to assist an abusedwoman, get help and support for yourselfas well (see “Resources”).

All forms of chronic mistreatment in theworld are interwoven. When we take oneapart, all the rest start to unravel as well.

ResourcesBELOW YOU WILL FIND a wide collection ofbooks, videos, websites, and organizations. Theseresources offer support, guidance, and inspirationto abused women, to loved ones wishing to helpthem, and to community members interested inaddressing the wider problem of abuse andviolence in our society. Many of the resourceslisted below refer to physical violence in theirtitles or descriptions, but they are nonetheless allrelevant to women who have experienced verbal,economic, or sexual coercion by a partner,regardless of whether actual assaults or threatshave been involved. If you do not have Webaccess and are interested in pursuing some of theInternet resources listed here, try your publiclibrary—many libraries offer free time oncomputers connected to the Internet.

FOR WOMEN OF ALL BACKGROUNDSNational Domestic Violence Hotline forthe United States and Canada: 1-800-799-SAFE.Call this number to receive a referral to theclosest hotline in your area for abused women.The use of this number is not restricted to womenwho have experienced physical violence: Womenand teens are welcome to call with any issueregarding verbal abuse or control in a relationship,or just because something is happening in theirrelationship that is making them uncomfortable.Rape, Abuse, and Incest NationalNetwork Hotline (Rain): 1-800-656-4673.Call this number if you have been sexuallyassaulted or sexually abused by your partner or expartner(or by anyone else), and you will be

connected immediately to the sexual assaulthotline closest to you.When Love Goes Wrong: What to DoWhen You Can’t Do Anything Right, byAnn Jones and Susan Schechter(HarperPerennial).This is the essential book for women who areseeking guidance on how to cope with acontrolling partner and how to move towardfreedom and recovery. It is practical, down-toearth,and accurate, and it covers in detail a widerange of issues that women face.It’sMyLife Now: Starting Over After anAbusive Relationship or DomesticViolence, by Meg Kennedy Dugan andRoger Hock (Routledge).Despite the title, this book is equally valuablefor women who are still involved with an angry or

controlling partner and for those who have left.This is a wonderful, warm, compassionate bookby authors who deeply understand both emotionaland physical abuse.The Verbally Abusive Relationship: Howto Recognize It and How to Respond, byPatricia Evans (Bob Adams).Evans’s book takes the reader through thedetails of verbally abusive tactics in relationships,and it explains how to understand their effects onyou. The author offers terrific insight and practicaladvice. (The book contains a couple of thecommon misconceptions about the psychology ofabusers, but this is a very minor drawbackcompared to its many strengths.)Into the Light: A Guide for BatteredWomen, by Leslie Cantrelli (Chas.Franklin Press).

This booklet is short and simple, with accurateinformation and good advice. This is a greatresource for a woman who does not have the timeor energy for the longer books listed above, or whowants to have quick inspiration handy.Not to People Like Us: Hidden Abuse inUpscale Marriages, by Susan Weitzman(Basic Books).A valuable exposé of abuse among the wealthy,with important guidance for abused women.Weitzman’s descriptions of abusive men areaccurate and helpful (though a couple of the mythsslip in). I recommend this book highly.FOR TEENAGERS AND THEIR PARENTSWhat Parents Need to Know AboutDating Violence, by Barrie Levy andPatricia Occhiuzzo Giggam (Seal Press).

The essential book for parents who areconcerned that their daughters or sons may beinvolved in abusive dating relationships.Compassionate, insightful, and highly practical,written by people who grasp the wide range ofanxieties and challenges that parents face.In Love and Danger—A Teen’s Guide toBreaking Free of Abusive Relationships,by Barrie Levy (Seal Press).A guide for the teenager herself in respondingto an abusive or controlling partner, written in justthe right tone and language to reach adolescents—an excellent book. It’s out of print, so look for itused or at the library, or try to find it online.FOR WOMEN OF COLORChain Chain Change: For Black Womenin Abusive Relationships, by Evelyn C.White (Seal Press).

This excellent book remains the key readingresource for any African American woman who isinvolved with a controlling or abusive partner. Itprovides general information combined withguidance that is specific to the black woman’sexperience, and it includes a section that speaks toabused black lesbians.Mejor Sola Que Mal Acompañada: Forthe Latina in an Abusive Relationship,by Myrna Zambrano (Seal Press).Zambrano’s book for Latina women in abusiverelationships is available in a bilingual edition,making it readable for women who use eitherSpanish or English as their primary language.This excellent resource speaks to the culturalcontext in which Latinas live, and it offers specificvalidation and recommendations.Black Eyes All of the Time: IntimateViolence, Aboriginal Women, and the

Justice System, by Anne McGillivray andBrenda Comaskey (University ofToronto).The experience of abused indigenous (native)women is told largely in their own voices in thiswonderful and groundbreaking volume. Althoughthere are a few portions where the writers usesome difficult academic language, the greatmajority of the book is highly accessible andmoving.Mending the Sacred Hoop202 E. Superior St.Duluth MN 55802(218) 722-2781 www.duluth-model.org,then select “Mending the Sacred Hoop”This project of Minnesota ProgramDevelopment focuses on addressing the abuse ofwomen in tribal cultures.

Institute on Domestic Violence in theAfrican American CommunityUniversity of Minnesota School of SocialWork290 Peters Hall1404 Gortner Ave.St. Paul MN 55108-6142(877) 643-8222 www.dvinstitute.orgThis organization’s website includes resourcesfor abused women themselves, while alsoreaching out to policy makers, researchers, andother concerned community members.National Latino Alliance for theElimination of Domestic ViolenceP.O. Box 22086Ft. Washington StationNew York NY 10032(646) 672-1404 www.dvalianza.orgMostly oriented toward research and policy.

Extensive listings.Asian and Pacific Islander Institute onDomestic Violence942 Market St., Suite 200San Francisco CA 94102(415) 954-9964www.apiahf.org, then select “Programs,”then select the Institute.FOR LESBIANSNaming the Violence: Speaking OutAbout Lesbian Battering, edited by KerryLobel (Seal Press).Regrettably, this 1986 book is out of print, butyou can find it through a library, a used-bookstore, or online. The personal stories of manyabused lesbians are shared here to help you toidentify the problem and know that you are notalone.

Woman-to-Woman Sexual Violence:Does She Call It Rape?, by Lori GirshickNortheastern University Press).With the stories of survivors of sexual assaultsby same-sex partners woven through, this bookreports on an important survey and helps bring tolight a seldom-examined aspect of intimate partnerabuse.Lesbians Talk: Violent Relationships, byJoelle Taylor and Tracy Chandler (ScarletPress).This is a short book that draws from the voicesof women themselves to describe the problem ofabuse in lesbian relationships and offers solutions.Same-Sex Domestic Violence: Strategiesfor Change, by Beth Leventhal andSandra Lundy (Sage Publications).

This well-written and insightful book offersguidance to community members who want toaddress the needs of abused lesbians and gay men,explaining the structuring of service provision andthe overcoming of institutional barriers.On the Web, try going to Gayscape anddoing a search for “domestic violence”—many listings are available fororganizations, publications, andwebsites.FOR IMMIGRANT AND REFUGEEWOMENFamily Violence Prevention Fund383 Rhode Island St., Suite 304San Francisco CA 94103-5133(415) 252-8900www.endabuse.org, then select“Immigrant Women,” then select “HelpIs

Available”FVPF helps abused immigrant women to getinformation about their rights and options and tofind referrals to programs in their area.NOW Legal Defense and EducationFundImmigrant Women’s Project1522 K St., NW, Suite 550Washington DC 20005(202) 326-0040www.nowldef.org, then select “Issues,”then select “Immigrant Women”National Lawyers GuildNational Immigration Project14 Beacon St., Suite 602Boston MA 02108 617) 227-9727www.nlg.org, then select “NationalImmigration Project,” then select“Domestic Violence”

ABOUT CHILDREN OF ABUSEDWOMENChildhood Experiences of DomesticViolence, by Caroline McGee (JessicaKingsley).Although this is a professional book, it is veryreadable and compassionate. McGee understandsthe challenges an abused mother faces. Toldlargely in the words of mothers and childrenthemselves, this is the single best introduction Ihave found to the experiences of children exposedto an abusive man, with extensive guidance forhow to effectively assist them to safety andrecovery.The Batterer as Parent: Addressing theImpact of Domestic Violence on FamilyDynamics, by Lundy Bancroft and JaySilverman (Sage Publications).

Although this professional book focuses onphysically abusive men, the great majority of whatwe cover applies to verbally abusive andcontrolling men as well. We explain how anabusive man can affect the relationships between amother and her children and between siblings, andhow abusers may try to continue their controlthrough the children postseparation. Abusedmothers, including those involved in the familycourt system, report finding this book bothvalidating and helpful.Children Who See Too Much: LessonsFrom the Child Witness to ViolenceProject, by Betsy McAlister Groves(Beacon Press).This book is for parents or professionals whoare assisting children who have been exposed toserious physical violence, including domesticviolence, to help them understand children’semotional reactions and their recovery needs. It is

ief but very clear and helpful.ABOUT CHILD CUSTODY, DIVORCE,AND CHILD SUPPORTResource Center on Domestic Violence:Child Protection and Custody, operatedby the National Council of Juvenile andFamily Court Judges. 1-800-527-3223.The Resource Center offers a free packet ofinformation for abused women in custody andvisitation litigation. It does not become involvedin specific cases or provide legal advice. TheCenter also offers a book called Managing YourDivorce that helps women prepare for the processof resolving child custody, visitation, and childsupport.Women and Children Last: CustodyDisputes and the Family “Justice”System, by Georgina Taylor, Jan

Barnsley, and Penny Goldsmith of theVancouver (BC) Custody and AccessSupport and Advocacy Association.This excellent book prepares abused mothersfor the difficult emotional and legal challenges offamily court litigation, to help increase their abilityto keep their children safe and maintain custody.Advocates and concerned community memberscan also benefit from the explanations of how thefamily court system works and why abusedwomen can find the environment so hostile. (Forordering information, call Vancouver Status ofWomen at (604) 255-6554.)The Battered Mothers Testimony Project:A Human Rights Report on ChildCustody and Domestic Violence.This activist project interviewed forty abusedwomen about their experiences of beingrevictimized by family courts through the abuser’s

use of custody and visitation litigation, and alsointerviewed numerous judges, custody evaluators,and advocates. The project report, which exposesthese systemic abuses as violations of women’sinternationally recognized human rights, isavailable from: Publication Office, WellesleyCenters for Women, Wellesley College, (781)283-2510, or at www.wcwonline.org.Small Justice: Little Justice in America’sFamily Courts,” a video by GarlandWaller of Boston University.This one-hour video documents three cases inwhich abused women faced systematicmistreatment by family courts as they attempted toprotect their children from domestic violence andsexual abuse. This well-made and carefullyresearched film is an important resource forcommunity members working for court reforms.(Available from Intermedia, 1-800-553-8336)

Divorced from Justice: The Abuse ofWomen and Children by DivorceLawyers and Judges, by Karen Winner(Regan Books).This is another book that is out of print, but youcan find it at libraries, used-book stores, or online.The stories are painful ones, and this makes thebook heavy reading, but Winner offers crucialadvice to women and to anyone who is trying tohelp them, and she also gives importantsuggestions to people interested in working forcourt reform.The Hostage Child: Sex AbuseAllegations in Custody Disputes, byLeora Rosen and Michelle Etlin (IndianaUniversity Press).An eye-opening education for people interestedin working toward family court reform, this bookdocuments the obstacles that abused women can

encounter while attempting to protect theirchildren from abuse, even in cases whereextensive evidence exists. (I don’t recommend thisbook for abused women to read themselves if theyare currently involved in litigation—it’s veryfrightening, and most cases don’t go as badly asthe ones presented here.)National Child Support EnforcementAssociation444 North Capitol St., Suite 414Washington DC 20001-1512(202) 624-8180 www.ncsea.orgNCSEA provides information on child supportcollection, with links to specific child supportresources in your geographical area.FOR MOTHERS OF SEXUALLY ABUSEDCHILDRENA Mother’s Nightmare—Incest: A

Practical Legal Guide for Parents andProfessionals, by John E. B. Myers(Sage Publications).Written by a smart and compassionate attorney,this is a critical book for any woman who hasreason to suspect that her child has been sexuallyabused by the child’s father or stepfather, whetheror not the child has explicitly disclosed.ABOUT GENERAL PARENTING ISSUESThe books listed in this section are generalparenting guides, full of tremendous practical helpand insight. I have found all of these titles to beterrific. However, two words of caution: First,these books tend not to address the impact onchildren of exposure to a man who abuses theirmother, including the role that abuse plays in asmuch as half of divorces. Second, with theexception of Real Boys, these books do not offerdetailed guidance to parents who have a gay or

lesbian teen (though Reviving Ophelia touches onthe issue briefly).You can also find additional parentingresources in your phone book, such as parentalstress hotline numbers, Parent’s Anonymous, andvarious kinds of parent education classes, or do anInternet search for “Parent Education.”How to Talk So Kids Will Listen andListen So Kids Will Talk, by Adele Faberand Elaine Mazlish (Avon).Siblings Without Rivalry, by Adele Faberand Elaine Mazlish (Avon).The Courage to Raise Good Men, byOlga Silverstein and Beth Rashbaum(Penguin). Consider this book a mustread for any parent of a son, especially ifthat son has been exposed to a man whomistreats the son’s mother.Reviving Ophelia: Saving the Selves ofAdolescent Girls, by Mary Pipher

(Grosset/Putnam).Real Boys: Rescuing Our Sons from theMyths of Boyhood, by William Pollack(Random House).How to Mother a Successful Daughter,by Nicky Marone (Three Rivers).How to Father a Successful Daughter,by Nicky Marone (Fawcett Crest).FOR WOMEN INVOLVED WITH LAWENFORCEMENT OFFICERSSpouse Abuse by Law Enforcement(SABLE)Life SpanP.O. Box 445Des Plaines IL 60016(847) 824-0382 www.policedv.comSABLE offers a booklet called Police DomesticViolence: A Handbook for Victims for $5

(including shipping) from the above address.FOR WOMEN IN FAITH COMMUNITIESMinnesota Center Against Violence andAbusewww.mincava.umn.edu, then select“Faith Response”This website offers many readings andresources regarding the abuse of Christian,Jewish, and Islamic women, and a collection ofinterfaith writings and organizations. A terrificresource for women whose spiritual or religiousinvolvement is an important part of their lives.Keeping the Faith: Guidance forChristian Women Facing Abuse, byMarie Fortune (Harper San Francisco).Fortune offers clarity, advice, and validation,along with new interpretations of scriptural texts,

to help abused Christian women escapeentrapment and draw strength from their spiritualbeliefs. (I am not currently aware of similar booksfor women of other faiths, but you may find one,as new resources on abuse appear every day.)ABOUT ABUSIVE MENThe organizations listed here offer literature,videos, and training for people interested instarting or improving counseling programs formen who abuse women.Emerge: Counseling and Education toEnd Domestic Violence2380 Massachusetts Ave., Suite 101Cambridge MA 02140(617) 547-9879www.emergedv.comDomestic Abuse Intervention Project206 West Fourth St.

Duluth MN 55806(218) 722-2781www.duluth-model.orgFOR THOSE ASSISTING ABUSEDWOMENTo Be an Anchor in the Storm: A Guidefor Families and Friends of AbusedWomen, by Susan Brewster (BallantineBooks).An outstandingly caring, practical, and wisebook for the loved ones of an abused woman. Ifyou are trying to assist a woman who is in a badrelationship, read this book. It will help you tofeel better and make you a much more effectivehelper. (However, one word of caution: A sectionat the end of the book on reporting child abusecontains information that I find ill-advised. Beforeyou involve child protective services with a motheryou care about, call a program for abused women

in your area and seek advice about whether andhow to make a child-abuse report.)Safety Planning with Battered Women,by Jill Davies, Eleanor Lyon, and DianeMonti-Catania (Sage Publications).This is a professional book, but it is veryreadable and helpful for anyone who wants tounderstand what is really involved when a womanis considering leaving an abusive partner, and itprovides guidance for how to help a woman besafer even if she can’t leave or doesn’t want to.The authors talk about much more than just safetyplanning—they address the full range of practicalrealities that abused women face in a way that Ihave found in no other book.Trauma and Recovery, by JudithHerman (Basic Books).Dr. Herman’s book is the bible of trauma,

especially for those kinds of traumatic experiencesfor which the society tends to blame the victim ordeny the reality of her/his experience. Anoutstandingly brilliant work.ABOUT OVERCOMING PARTNERABUSE IN COMMUNITIESNational Coalition Against DomesticViolence1532 16th St., NWWashington DC 20036(202) 745-1211www.ncadv.orgJoin this organization to support policy andservice development to benefit abused women andtheir children NCADV also has various resourcesthat you can order (at a discount if you are amember) and listings of other sources ofinformation.

Next Time She’ll Be Dead: Batteringand How to Stop It, by Ann Jones(Beacon Press).This terrific work elucidates the culturalinfluences and institutional actions that supportabuse and gives to-the-point suggestions forconcerned community members on how to end theabuse of women.Rural Woman Battering and the JusticeSystem: An Ethnography, by Neil Websdale(Sage Publications).This excellent book describes the specialchallenges faced by abused women who live farfrom large population centers, who may be veryisolated and may face local communities that arenot supportive of escaping abuse. Groundbreakingand insightful, with concrete strategies for howagencies and institutions can better serve abusedwomen in rural areas.

Coordinating Community Responses toDomestic Violence: Lessons from theDuluth Model, edited by MelanieShepard and Ellen Pence (SagePublications).Detailed guidance on how to draw from theUnited States’s premier model of collaborativework in communities to assist abused women,hold abusers accountable, and change communityvalues about partner abuse.Pornography: The Production andConsumption of Inequality, by GailDines, Robert Jensen, and Ann Russo(Routledge).This highly readable book provides the mostreasonable and persuasive explanations that I haveencountered of how pornography can shape men’sways of perceiving and interacting with women,and of the various excuses that groups and

individuals use to avoid looking at the damagethat pornography can do.Dream Worlds II,” a video by the MediaEducation Foundation.This powerful and disturbing video reveals theattitudes toward women that are taught by today’smusic videos. Available from MEF, 26 Center St.,Northampton MA 01060, 1-800-897-0089,www.mediaed.org.“Tough Guise,” a video by the MediaEducation Foundation.This widely acclaimed video created by JacksonKatz shows how popular portrayals of masculinityforce boys and men into unhealthy roles and teachmales to be abusive toward females. (See orderinginformation under previous listing.)Transforming Communities

734 A St.San Rafael CA 94901-3923 (415) 457-2464www.transformcommunities.orgTransforming Communities has a tremendouscollection of resources and ideas for how tocombat the abuse of women and children.FOR MALE ALLIESMany opportunities exist for men who want tobe active in stopping the abuse of women, andmore appear every day. Below are just a fewexamples.Men Overcoming Violence1385 Mission St., Suite 300San Francisco CA 94103(415) 626-MOVE [6683]www.menovercomingviolence.org

Public speakers, counseling groups, andopportunities for activism.Men Can Stop RapeP.O. Box 57144Washington DC 20037(202) 265-6530www.mencanstoprape.orgMCSR describes its mission as being “topromote gender equity and build men’s capacity tobe strong without being violent.” Many programs,including outreach to youth and education on teendatingviolence.Family Violence Prevention Fundwww.endabuse.orgInformation is available on the FVPF websiteabout their program “Coaching Boys Into Men”(with a brochure that you can download), and anew initiative for reaching out to boys called

“Teach Early” has recently been launched. (TheFVPF website is also full of information andresources on many aspects of partner abuse,including guidebooks for health-care providersand many other materials.)Men’s Initiative for Jane Doe14 Beacon St., Suite 507Boston MA 02108(617) 248-0922www.menscampaign.orgA new project that offers various ideas for howmen can get involved as allies to abused women.You can also visit the Campus OutreachServices website atwww.campusoutreachservices.com: go to“Resources,” and then select “Men AgainstViolence Against Women Organizations,” andyou will be provided with descriptions and linksfor twenty different men’s groups around thecountry that are focused on stopping the abuse of

women.

Abandonment, fear ofAbused womenand abuser’s change of behaviorarrest ofcounselors anddenial of abusesocial views ofsupport forresourcesSee also WomenAbuse-free environmentAbuse of womenphysicalpsychologicalAbusersand addictionallies ofIndex

and argumentsarrest oftactics afterbreaking up withbrief separationschange of behaviorchild abuse bycounseling ofresourcesending of relationshipleaving safelyand legal systemas parentsand pornographyas role modelsand sextraumatic bonding withtypes ofDemand ManDrill Sergeantsmentally ill or addicted

Mr. RightMr. SensitivePlayersRamboTerroristsVictimsWater TorturerSee also Abused women; Abusive behaviorAbusive behavioraddiction andbenefits ofconciousness ofdevelopment ofending ofrespect andviolentSee also Change of behaviorAbusive men. See AbusersAccountability for actionsAccounts of abuse, differingAccusations, distorted

Addictionof abused womenas excuse for abuseto sexAdmission of abuseAdvocates for abused womenself asAggressionreversal into self-defenseAggressive personality, as excuseAlcohol, and abusive behaviorAlcoholics Anonymous (AA)Alcoholismrecovery from, and partner abuseSee also AddictionAllies of abusive menAngerat counseling programdenial ofof womenabusive men and

Anti-abuse movement, men inAnti-female attitudes of boysAntisocial personality disorderApologiesinsincereArgumentsArrests of abusers, tactics afterAttachment, intimacy andAttention, abusive men andAttitudeschange ofcontradictorynegative, toward womenAttorneys, abuse of power byAuthoritarian behaviorAuthoritarian parentsAuthority:challenge to, anger seen asparentalBatterers Anonymous groups

Battering menand child abuseSee also Abusers; Physical violenceBedtime for Francis, HobanBehavior, feelings andSee also Abusive behavior; Change ofbehaviorBeliefscontradictoryBenefits of abusive behaviorBlame, shifting ofabusers as role modelsfor breakup of relationshipamong family membersto mother of abuser“The Boiler Theory of Men,”Boss, abusiveemployees ofBoys, socialization ofBreaking up with abusersBrewster, Susan, To Be an Anchor in the Storm

Brief separations, abusers andBullying behaviorCaretaking, sense of entitlement toCarrey, JimChange of behaviorabuser’s outlook onassessment ofand benefits of abusecontext forillusions ofpredictions ofpsychotherapy andsteps tosubstance abuse andChild abuseChildhood abuse of abuser, myth ofChildren:of abused womenfathers as role modelsand parents’ breakup

services forabuse of women andabusive fathers viewed byof abusive parentscontrol of mother throughrights ofChronic abuseChronic angerChronic infidelityClay, Andrew DiceClergypeople, and change of abusersCollective punishmentColor, women of, abuse ofCommitment to changeCommunity:and abusive behaviorand change of abuserssupport for abused womenComplaints, discrediting ofComputer games, and abuse of womenConflict, abusive men and

etween womenverbalConfrontation, abuser programs andConfusion tacticsConscienceConsequences of actionsand change of behaviorContempt for womenContrasting behaviors, public and privateControlfinancialloss ofas excuse for abuseof partner’s thinkingsexual relationships andtactics ofin argumentsvulnerability andControlling behaviorabusers as role modelsexcuses for

extremeparenting andConversational controlCounseling:of abusersfor childrenCouples therapyCourtsand abused womenand abusersCriticismabusers andCultural differences in abuseCultureand abuse of womenchange ofCustody disputesCustody evaluatorsabuse of powerCycles of behavior

Daily life, abusive men inDanger signs of violenceDaughters of abusersSee also ChildrenDecision-making, abusive control ofDeference, entitlement toDefining realityDegradation of women, pornographicDemanding menDenial of abuseby victimDenial of the obviousDepersonalization of womenpornography asDerisionDevaluation of partner’s laborDiscrediting of partnerDiscriminationviolence against women asDisrespect of womenDistorted thinking

District attorneysDivisive tacticsDivorce, abuse of women andDomestic abuse:family courts andsocial support forSee also Abused women; Abusers; AbusivebehaviorDomestic abuse task forcesDomestic-violence specialistsDomination, sexualDouble bind, abused mothers inDouble standardsDoubt of selfEarly warnings of abusive behaviorEconomic abuse, addiction asEconomic exploitation of womenEducation about abuseEmerge programEminem

Emotional abuseof childrenEmotional caretaking, entitlement toEmotional problemsEmotions:as excuse for abusesuppression ofEmpathylack ofEmployees, of abusive bossEmployers, abuse of power byEntertainment industry, and abuse of womenEntitlementaddiction andarguments andand breaking upand change of behaviorconscience andfathers as role modelsto forgivenessand jealousy

parenting andremorse andsexual relationships andEnvironment, abuse-freeEscalation of abuseEscape from abusive relationshipsSee also Breaking up with abusersEthnic differences in abuseExcuses for abuseaggressive personalityalcoholangercultural differences incultural influences asdiscriminationfear of intimacy and abandonmenthatred of womeninterpersonal skill deficitsjob stressesloss of controllow self-esteem

mental illnessself-defensestrong feelingsvictim statusExpectations, unrealisticExplanations for abuse, mythology ofabused menabuser as victimaggressive personalityalcoholismangerchildhood abuse of abuserdepth of feelingdiscriminationfear of intimacyhatred of womenjob stressesloss of controllow self-esteemmental illnessmistreatment by previous partner

skill deficitssuppression of emotionsExploitation of women, economic, sexualExternalization of responsibility, parenting andFairy tales, and abuse of womenFalse allegations of domestic violenceFamilies of abusive menand change of behaviordecisions indivisions inFamily court, abusive men andFantasies, romantic, of abusive menFathers, abusers aschildren’s views ofand disrespect for womenFavoritismFavors, excessiveFear, abused women andFeelingsas excuse for abuse

Financial controlFinancial imbalance in custody disputesFlirtatious behaviorForgiveness, demands forFormer partners, warning signsForward, Susan, Men Who Hate Women and theWomen Who Love ThemFreedom, personal, interference withFreud, SigmundFriendsof abused womenand change of behaviorFrustrations, taken out on partnersFundamentalist religious groupsGames, sexualGay mennegative attitudes toward womenGenerosity, excessive“Gentle man” style of abuserGirls, socialization of

Good times between abusive episodesGrievances, cultivation ofGroup counseling, for childrenGuilt feelings, abusers andGuns ’n’ RosesHatred of women, as excuse for abuseHelp for abused womenresourcesSee also Hotlines for abused womenHerman, Judith, Trauma and RecoveryHoban, Russel, Bedtime for FrancisHome, abusive attitudes learned inHomicidebreakup andHomosexualityHotlines for abused womenwhen to callHousehold responsibilitiesHuman rights

Immigrant women, resourcesIncestIndebtedness, creation ofIndependence, interference withIneffective abuser programsInfidelityInformational support for abuseInternet, and pornographyInterpersonal skill deficitInterpretations, twistedIntimacy:fear ofas excuse for abuseloss ofIntimidationIrresponsibilityIsolationJail sentences for abusers

JealousysexualunreasonableJob stresses, as excuse for abuseJoint custody, myth ofJudgesand change of behaviorJustificationscultural differencesfor double standardsKindness, unpredictable, by abusersLabor, uncompensated, by partnerLaws, and abuse of womenLearning of abusive behaviorLegal representationLegal systemabusive men andLeisure gained by abusive behavior

Lesbians, resources forLie-detector testsLosses, abusive behavior andLoss of controlLoveabuse andLying by abusersafter breakupin custody disputesdenial of abusive behaviorto policeMale domination of legal systemManipulative behaviorabusers as role modelsand changeand child abuselegal system andparenting andresponses to possible breakupsubstance abuse andwith woman’s relatives

Marijuana, and abusive behaviorMedia, and abuse of womenMediating the intimacyMedication, abusive men andMen:abused by women, myth ofabusive. See Abusersnon-abusiveMen Who Hate Women and the Women Who LoveThem, ForwardMental cruelty. See Psychological abuseMental illnessMentality, abusiveMind of partner, control ofMinimization of abuseMisdirection of attentionMistreatment by previous partner, myth ofMoney, problems ofMood changesMorality, and loss of controlMother, blaming of, by abusive men

Mother-child relationshipsSee also Children, of abused mothersMothers, abused, social viewsSee also Abused women; WomenMotivation for behavior changeMovies, and abuse of womenMurder of women by partnerspostseparationMusic videos, and abuse of womenMythology, of abusersNarcissistic personality disorderNeeds, emotional, entitlement andNegative attitudes toward womenNeutrality, myth ofNew partners of abusive menNon-abusive menObjectification:of children, of womenObvious situationsdenial of

Oedipus complexOppression, abuse asOwnership, ideas of:of childrenof partnerbreaking up andParental alienation claimsParentingSee also ChildrenPartners of abusive mennewSee also Abused women; Formerpartners Passive aggressionPatterns of behaviorPeace bonds. See Restraining ordersPeer influences, and abusive behaviorPerceptions:distortedreversal of factstaught to children

y women, manipulation ofPerformers, and abuse of womenPersonal freedom, controlling behavior andPersonal goalsPhysical abuseof childrenPhysical caretaking, entitlement toPhysical violence, and mental illnessSee also Abusive behavior; ViolencePlay, sexualPlayer (type of abuser)Policeand abused womenand change of behaviorPornographyPossessivenessof childrenPostseparation homicidesPowerfamily divisions andoppression and

other abusers ofsexual relationships andPowerlessness, feelings of, as excuse for abusePredictability, lack ofProbation officersand change of abusive men, ProbationperiodsProblems, dumping ofProfessionals:abuse of powersupport for abused womenPrograms:for abused womenfor abusersSee also Counseling, of abusersProjectionPromises, unkeptProsecution of abusersProsecutors, and change of behaviorProtective orders. See Restraining ordersPsychiatric problems

Psychological abuseaddiction andof childrenmanipulative behaviormedications andand physical violencePsychological evaluations, in custody disputesPsychological problemsPsychologists:and abusive behaviorand breaking upand children of abusive fathersand fear of intimacyPsychotherapyabuser programs andand abusive behaviorand conflict managementPublic image of abusermisleadingparenting andPunishment, collective

Racial differences in abuseRacial discrimination, as excuse for abuseRacism, and abuse of womenRandom abuseRapeRationalizationsReality, inversion ofRecognition of abusive behaviorRecording of abusive behaviorRecovery from addiction, and partner abuseRelationships:abusiveearly stagesbenefits of abusive behavior inearly trainingRelatives:of abused womenof abusersReligions, and abuse of womenfundamentalist

Remorse for abusefeigned, in custody disputesResistance to abuseResourcesRespect for womenchange of behavior andchildren andlove andResponsibility for actionsacceptance ofavoidance ofexternalization ofRestraining ordersdropping ofjudges andviolations ofRetaliation for complaintsReversal of factsRewards of abusive behaviorRidiculeRight and wrong, distorted sense of

Rights:to angerby womenof childrenin family, abusers andRole modelsabusers asRole reversal, in parentingRoles in marriage, abusers andSadistic behaviorSafety from abusein breakup situationSame-sex relationships, abuse inSarcasmSchools, and violent behavior by boysSecrecy about abuse, children andSelf:advocacy fordoubt ofchronic mistreatment and

and signs of abusetrust ofSelf-centerednessand change of behaviorand child abuseparenting andrecovery from addiction andsevereand sexual relationsof Victim typesSelf-defense, as excuse for abuseSelf-destructive behaviorSelf-esteem, low, as excuse for abuseSelf-examination, substance abuse andSelf-imageSelf-pitySelf-protection against abuseSentences for violent abuseSeparation from abusersand change of behaviorSex object, partner as

Sex rolesearly trainingSexual abuseof childrenresourcesSexual caretaking, entitlement toSexual promiscuitySexual relationsforcedloss of interest inpressure forShaming of childrenSibling relationshipsSiblings of abused womenSilence about observed abuseSilencing of partnerSocial class, and abusivenessSocialization of boysSociety:and abused mothersattitudes toward abuse

Sons:of abused women, opposition to abuseof abusersrelationship with motherSee also ChildrenStalkingSteps to change of behaviorStereotype of abusive menStockholm syndromeStrategic safety plansSubordination, sexualization ofSubstance abuseand partner abusedifferencesas excusesimilaritiesby women, partner violence andSuicide of women, partner violence andSuperiority, sense ofparenting andSupport for abused women

and change of abuser’s behaviordifficulties obtainingresourcesSuppression of anger, by womenSuppression of feelings, as excuse for abuseSymptoms of abuseTension, building ofTerminologyTerror, control byTheater, and abuse of womenTherapistsabuse of powerTherapy. See PsychotherapyThinking:independentof partner, control ofThinking patterns of abusersconfusion of love with abusecontroldisrespect of partner

entitlementjustificationsmaintenance of public imageorigins ofas parentsreversal of factssocial class andviews of separationThreatsTo Be an Anchor in the Storm, BrewsterTolerance, adaptation to abuseTrauma and Recovery, HermanTraumatic bondingTribal cultures, and abuseTrouble with HomeworkTrust, of selfTwelve-step programsUnreasonable behaviorUnsupervised visitationValues

and abusive behaviorof abusive men, breaking up andalcohol andof children, development ofdistortedsocietal, change ofVerbal abuseand violenceVerbal conflict, abusers andVersions of abuse, differingVictims:abusers asin same-sex relationshipblaming ofVideo gamesViolencealcohol andby boysbreaking up andagainst childrenentitlement to

mental illness andpredictions ofsexual assaultamong siblingsSee also Abusive behaviorVulnerabilitysex andWar, relationship asWarning signs of abusive behaviorWeapons:children assubstance abuse asWinning of argumentsWomen:abuse ofabusers’ views oftaught to sonsconflicts between, abusers andhatred of, as excuse for abuselabor of

male attitudes towardphysical aggression byreligious fundamentalists andSee also Abused womenWorld, abuse-free