the explorers journal the global adventure issue - The Explorers Club

EXPLORATION NEWSDr. Ballyhoo,I Presume?by Jeff WozerThe word expedition is the Frank’s RedHot Sauceof the English language. Add it to any outdoorendeavor—kayaking, camping, snow-shoeing—andit immediately transforms the activity into a worldclassadventure.I reached this conclusion after attending a climbingpresentation sponsored by an outdoor club. Thespeaker—a short, stocky guy with the body of a bigtoe—detailed with humdrum photos and monotonecommentary a summit he and three longtime climbingbuddies completed in the Canadian Rockies.During the presentation he repeatedly referred tothe climb as an expedition when it sounded andlooked more like a vacation among three friends enjoyingan escape from middle-age responsibilities.I then wondered to myself, if his talk had been advertisedas a reportage on climbing vacation, as opposedto a climbing expedition, would I, or anyone,have attended? In my case, the answer was clearlyno. But from a marketing standpoint it made puresense. As I pedaled home from the presentationother questions thumped through my skull: Howmany other noted expeditions, when shucked of thehype, were little more than disguised vacations?I began researching expeditions, past and present,and realized that, until the mid-twentieth century,they possessed a clarity of purpose—adventurersopening territories and minds with their daringand delving. Today, articulated purpose no longerranks as the defining standard for expedition classification;the goal, instead, is being photographedshouldering a backpack in the presence of peaks,puffins, penguins, or pygmies.With less uncharted turf to explore, a keenereye is required to discern relevance from folly.True expedition aces such as Michael Fay, WillSteger, and Wade Davis, who still roam thefringes, are proof that expeditions, in the honestsense, can still exist without relying on false hypeor gimmickry.To help sift the true from the trite, the planetneeds a World Expedition Court, presided over bythe honorable Sir Edmund Hillary. There would beno hearings, only exams. Each applicant would berequired to answer a series of questions related tohis or her specific endeavor. Questions like:1. You hope the photos snapped on your trek will:A. Aid scientific researchB. Inspire others into a life of adventureC. Attract new friends on MySpace2. You embarked on this adventure because:A. You wanted to bring attention to the Antarctic’s diminishingice shelvesB. You wanted to study indigenous mountain culturesC. You wanted to further delay finding a real job3. While stargazing with your expeditionary partyA. Every constellation in the Northern Hemisphere was identifiedB. Debate raged over Pluto’s doubtful status as a planetC. A commuter plane was mistaken for a meteor4. During your trek, most of your time was devoted to:A. Gathering soil samplesB. Collecting ice coresC. Snapping spirited photos of yourself with the hope of appearingin Patagonia’s upcoming fall catalogue5. The greatest scientific discovery made during your trek was:A. Concluding that Bering Sea tides are diurnalB. Finding ammonite fossils in Nepal’s Kali Gandaki ValleyC. Seagulls love CheetosAnyone answering “C” to any of the questionswould be denied use of the word expedition formarketing purposes. And, as a penalty for wastingSir Edmund Hillary’s time, get whacked acrossthe shins with a Leki trekking pole and forcedto watch a PowerPoint presentation of someoneelse’s mountain vacation.biographyJeff Wozer (www.jeffwozer.com) works as a nationally touringstand-up comedian based in Denver.the explorers journal