Happy New Year - Muthoot Group

11already.” I cannot rememberhearing anything so sad.Dartmouth, you have an inferioritycomplex, and you should not.You have graduated more greatfictitious Americans than anyother college. Meredith Grey ofGrey’s Anatomy. Pete Campbellfrom Mad Men. Michael Corleonefrom The Godfather. In fact, I lookforward to next years’ ValedictoryAddress by your esteemed classmate,Count Chocula. Of course,your greatest fictitious graduateis Treasury Secretary TimothyGeitner. Man, imagine if a realTreasury Secretary made thosekinds of decisions. Oh, I know.You’re going to say “We’ve got Dr.Seuss.” Well guess what, we’reall tired of hearing about Dr.Seuss. Face it: The man rhymedfafloozle with saznoozle. In theliterary community, that’s calledcheating.Your insecurity is so great,Dartmouth, that you don’t eventhink you deserve a real podium.What the hell is this thing? Itlooks like you stole it from the setof Survivor: Nova Scotia. Seriously,it looks like something abear would use at an AA meeting.No, Dartmouth, you muststand tall. Raise your heads highand feel proud.Because if Harvard, Yale, andPrinceton are your self-involved,vain, name-dropping older brothers,you are the cool, sexuallyconfident, Lacrosse playingyounger sibling who knows howto throw a party and looks goodin a down vest. Brown, of course,is your lesbian sister who neverleaves her room. And Penn, Columbia,and Cornell …..well,frankly, who gives a shit.Yes, I’ve always had a specialbond with this school. In fact, thisis my second time coming here.When I was 17 years old and touringcolleges, way back in the fallof 1980, I came to Dartmouth.Dartmouth was a very differentplace back then. I made the tripup from Boston on a mule and,after asking the blacksmith inWest Leb for directions, I cameto this beautiful campus. No dormitorieshad been built yet, so Istayed with a family of fur tradersin White River junction. It snowedheavily during my visit and I wastrapped here for four months. Iwas forced to eat the mule, whoa week earlier had been forcedto eat the fur traders. Still, I lovedDartmouth and I vowed to return.But fate dealt a heavy blow.With no money, I was forced toenroll in a small, local commuterschool, a pulsating sore on amuddy elbow of the CharlesRiver. I was a miserable wretch,and to this day I cannot help butwonder: What if I had gone toDartmouth?If I had gone to Dartmouth, Imight have spent at least someof my college years outside andtoday I might not be allergic to allplant life, as well as most typesof rock.If I had gone to Dartmouth,right now I’d be wearing a fleecethong instead of a lace thong.If I had gone to Dartmouth, Istill wouldn’t know the secondverse to “Dear Old Dartmouth.”Face it, none of you do; you allmumble that part.If I had gone to Dartmouth, I’dhave a liver the size and consistencyof a bean bag chair.Finally, if I had gone toDartmouth, today I’d be getting anhonorary degree at Harvard.Imagine how awesome thatwould be.You are a great school, andyou deserve a historic commencementaddress. That’sright, I want my message todayto be forever remembered becauseit changed the world. Todo this, I must suggestgroundbreaking policy. WinstonChurchill gave his famous “IronCurtain” speech at WestminsterCollege in 1946. JFK outlined hisnuclear disarmament policy atAmerican University in 1963. Andtoday, I would like to set forth myown policy here at Dartmouth: Icall it The Conan Doctrine. UnderThe Conan Doctrine:All bachelor degrees will beupgraded to masters degrees, allmasters degrees will be upgradedto PhD’s, and all MBA studentswill be immediately transferred toa white collar prison.Winter Carnival will becomeWinter Carnivale and be movedto Rio. Clothing will be optionaland all expenses will be paid bythe Alumni Association.Your nickname, the Big Green,will be changed to somethingmore kick-ass like “The JadeBlade,” the “Seafoam Avenger” orsimply “Lime-Zilla.”The D-Plan and “quarter system”will finally be updated to “theone sixty-fourth system.” Semesterswill last 3 days and studentswill be encouraged to take 48 semestersoff. They must, however,be on campus during their Sophomore4th of July.I will re-instate Tubestock. AndI will punish those who tried to replaceit with Fieldstock. Raftingand beer are a much better combinationthan a field and a beer. Ihappen to know that in two years,they were going to downgradeFieldstock to Deskstock --- 7hours of fun sitting quietly at yourdesk. Don’t let those bastards doit!And finally, under the Conandoctrine, all commencementspeakers who shamelessly panderwith cheap, inside referencesdesigned to get childish applause,will be forced toapologize…..TO THE GREAT-EST GRADUATING CLASS INTHE HISTORY OF THE WORLD.DARTMOUTH CLASS OF 2011RULES!!!Besides policy, another hallmarkof great commencementspeeches is deep, profound advicelike “reach for the stars.”Well today, I am not going towaste your time with emptyclichés. Instead, I am going togive you real, practical advice thatyou will need to know if you aregoing to survive the next fewyears.First, adult acne lasts longerthan you think. I almost cancelled2 days ago because I had a ziton my eye.Guys: this is important -- youcannot iron a shirt while wearingitIf you live on Ramen Noodlesfor too long, you lose all feelingin your hands and your stool becomesa white gel.And finally, wearing colorfulConverse high-tops beneath yourgraduation robe is a great way totell your classmates that this isjust the first of many horrible decisionsyou plan to make withyour life.Of course there are many parentshere and I have real advicefor them as well. Parents, writethis down:Many of you haven’t seen yourchildren in four years. Now youare about to see them every daywhen they come out of the basementto tell you the WiFi isn’tworking.If your child majored in FineArts or Philosophy, you have goodreason to be worried. The onlyplace where they are really nowqualified to get a job is ancientGreece.The traffic today on EastWheelock is going to be murder,so once they start handing out diplomas,you should slip out in themiddle of the K’s.You will spend more moneyframing your child’s diploma thanthey will earn in the next sixmonths. It’s tough out there, sobe patient. The only people hiringright now are Panera Breadand Mexican drug cartels.Yes, you parents must be patientbecause it is indeed a grimjob market out there. And one ofthe reasons that it’s so tough findingwork is that aging babyboomers refuse to leave theirjobs.. Trust me on this. Evenwhen they promise you for fiveyears that they are going toleave….and say it on television --- I mean you can go on YouTuberight now and watch the guy doit…there is no guarantee theywon’t come back. Of course I’mspeaking generally.But enough. This is not a timefor grim prognostications or negativity.No, I came here today because,believe it or not, I actuallydo have something real to tellyou.Eleven years ago I gave an addressto a graduating class atHarvard. I have not spoken at agraduation since because Ithought I had nothing left to say.But then 2010 came. And nowI’m here, three thousand milesfrom my home, because I learneda hard but profound lesson lastyear and I’d like to share it withyou. In 2000, I told graduates“Don’t be afraid to fail.” Well nowI’m here to tell you that, thoughyou should not fear failure, youshould do your very best to avoidit. Nietzsche famously said“Whatever doesn’t kill you makesyou stronger.” But what he failedto stress is that IT ALMOST KILLSYOU. Disappointment stingsand, for driven, successful peoplelike yourselves it is disorienting.What Nietzsche should have saidis “Whatever doesn’t kill you,makes you watch a lot of CartoonNetwork and drink mid-priceChardonnay at 11 in the morning.“By definition, Commencementspeakers at an Ivy League collegeare considered successful.But a little over a year ago, I experienceda profound and verypublic disappointment. I did notget what I wanted, and I left a systemthat had nurtured and helpdefine me for the better part ofseventeen years. I went from beingin the center of the grid to notonly off the grid, but underneaththe coffee table that the grid sitson, lost in the shag carpeting thatis underneath the coffee tablesupporting the grid. It was themaking of a career disaster, anda terrible analogy.But then something spectacularhappened. Fogbound, with nocompass, and adrift, I started tryingthings. I grew a strange, cinnamonbeard. I dove into theworld of social media and started p-13JANUARY 2012