the essential guide - Texas Council on Family Violence

Leaving an Abusive RelationshipThere are many reasons whysomeone might stay in an abusiverelationship:Emotional connection, loveand/or hope <strong>the</strong> violence willstop and <strong>the</strong> relationship will getbetter.Concerns for children, familyand/or cultural expectations orshame.Financial dependence and/orlack of support or resourcesSafety concernsPlease note:Leaving an abusive relationshipincreases <strong>the</strong> risk of being killed byan abusive partner both during <strong>the</strong>process of leaving and after havingleft <strong>the</strong> relationship.If we understand that family violenceis about maintaining power andcontrol, we can understand thisincreased risk: a partner who isgetting ready to leave or who has leftthreatens batterers’ control andsome batterers may be willing to doanything, including kill, to regain it.It’s important to keep in mind ourrole in providing safety and workingwith survivors to strategize aboutsafety concerns.Safety planning must be an ongoingelement of all advocacy services.Batterers will use abusive tactics to destabilize, destroy selfesteem,increase dependence, gain leverage, and reinforce threats(CPS, deportation, jail, and hospitalization) to <strong>the</strong>ir partners.Batterers can use <strong>the</strong>se tactics to fur<strong>the</strong>r marginalize a partner andincrease <strong>the</strong> likelihood that <strong>the</strong>ir partner will face victim-blaming oro<strong>the</strong>r barriers when trying to leave or get help. Batterers may oftentry to justify abusive actions by claiming that <strong>the</strong>ir partner wasdrunk, crazy, or a bad mo<strong>the</strong>r, among o<strong>the</strong>r justifications.Fortunately, <strong>the</strong>re are steps we can take as advocates to counteract<strong>the</strong>se harms. We can strive to make our programs and services openand accessible to all. When survivors express guilt or shame foractions <strong>the</strong>y were forced to take, we can remind <strong>the</strong>m that batterersare solely responsible for <strong>the</strong>ir abusive actions and no one deservesto be abused. We can point out to survivors <strong>the</strong> strength andresilience that it took to survive <strong>the</strong> abuse and acknowledge that<strong>the</strong>y did <strong>the</strong> best <strong>the</strong>y could with <strong>the</strong> resources available to <strong>the</strong>m atthat time. We can try to help survivors focus on <strong>the</strong> present,highlight <strong>the</strong>ir current options, and provide support as <strong>the</strong>y makechoices to try and build a safer future. We can becomeknowledgeable about o<strong>the</strong>r support services in <strong>the</strong> community thatmay be of benefit to survivors.Warning Signs of a BattererFamily violence is never <strong>the</strong> fault of <strong>the</strong> victim. No one knowinglyenters a relationship with an abusive person.The National Network to End Domestic Violence (NNEDV) hascompiled a list of subtle warning signs of a batterer (available atwww.nnedv.org). Sharing this information widely can help informo<strong>the</strong>rs and raise awareness about family violence.Warnings Signs of a Batterer: Moves too quickly into a relationship. Portrays a very charming demeanor or may seem too goodto be true. Insists partner stop participating in leisure activities orspending time with family and friends. Demonstrates extremely jealous or controlling behavior. Blames o<strong>the</strong>rs for everything that goes wrong and nevertakes responsibility for any actions. Criticizes partner’s appearance and puts down partner.THE ESSENTIAL GUIDE: AN INTRODUCTION TO ADVOCATING FOR SURVIVORS OF FAMILY VIOLENCE12 | P a g e