GRAND ENCYCLOPEDIA OF VIOLA JOKES - Johnstone-music.com
GRAND ENCYCLOPEDIA OF VIOLA JOKES - Johnstone-music.com
GRAND ENCYCLOPEDIA OF VIOLA JOKES - Johnstone-music.com
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• diminished fifth: an empty bottle of Jack Daniels.• French horn: your wife says you smell like a cheap one when you <strong>com</strong>e in at 4a.m.• glissando: a technique adopted by viola players for difficult runs.• half step: the pace used by a viola player when carrying his instrument.• interval: how long it takes a viola player to find the right note. There are threebasic kinds:1. Major interval: a very long time.2. Minor interval: a few bars.3. Inverted interval: when you have to go back a bar and try again.• intonation: singing through one's nose. Considered highly desirable in theMiddle Ages, and re<strong>com</strong>mended for viola players, and thereby ‘rest’ theirinstrument for a while.• isorhythmic motet: when half of the viola section got given a different editionfrom the other half.• lamentoso: viola solo so bad that ir should be ac<strong>com</strong>panied with handkerchiefs.• major scale: what you say after chasing wild game up a mountain: "Damn! Thatwas a major scale!"• metronome: a city-dwelling dwarf.• middle C: the only fruit drink violists can afford when work is ‘normal’.• minor third: your approximate age and grade at the <strong>com</strong>pletion of formalschooling.• <strong>music</strong>: a <strong>com</strong>plex organizations of sounds that is set down by the <strong>com</strong>poser,incorrectly interpreted by the conductor, who is ignored by the viola players ofthe orchestra (amongst others!), the result of which is surprisingly clapped bythe audience.• oboe: an ill wind that nobody blows good.• order of sharps: what a viola player gets at the bar.• passing tone: a piece of paper frequently seen being handed over by back deskviolists, trying to flirt with a nearby wind player.• preparatory beat: a threat made to the viola section in especial i.e., play, orelse....• perfect fifth: 1) a full bottle of Jack Daniels. 2) the smooth coating on a freshlypaved road.• pianissimo: "refill this beer bottle".• plague: a collective noun, as in "a plague of conductors"• portamento: fanciful journey to a foreign country a violist has always wanted toexperience, but doesn’t know how to get there.• quarter tone: a most useful note, more widely played by means of intuition byviola players than by any other instrument.• quaver: with what you begin the fourth year viola class.• recitative: a disease that surely Monteverdi had.• relative major: an uncle in the Marine Corps.• relative minor: a girlfriend.