GRAND ENCYCLOPEDIA OF VIOLA JOKES - Johnstone-music.com

THE COMPLETE ENGLISH MUSICALDICTIONARY FOR THE VIOLADefinitions:• A 440: the highway that runs around Nashville.• accidentals: as applied to the viola - wrong notes.• ad libitum: a premiere of a new viola piece.• agnus dei: a famous female church composer.• altos: Alistair’s toes - not to be confused with "Tom's toes" or "Dori-toes".• arpeggio: The result of an overshoot of note intervals when a viola student triesto play a scale.• audition: the act of putting oneself under extreme duress to satisfy the sadisticintentions of someone who has already made up his mind.• augmented fifth: a 36-ounce bottle.• bar line: a gathering of people, usually among which may be found a viola ortwo.• bass clef: where you land up if you fall off the alto clef.• bassoon: a double-bassist with a bad case of gas.• beat: what viola students do to each other with their instruments. The down beatis performed more on top of the head, while the up beat is struck under the chin.• big band: when the bar pays enough to bring two banjo players, whichobviouslt help to cover up the viola player’s meagre efforts.• bossa nova: the car your principal oboe of your orchestra drives.• broken consort: when the viola player in the ensemble has to leave to go to thebathroom.• cadence: when everybody hopes you're going to stop, but a viola carries on.• cadenza: that ugly thing your wife always vacuums when the principalconductor comes to the house.• cantus firmus: the part a violist gets when he can still play only four notes.• cello: the proper way for a dreaming violist to answer the phone.• chromatic scale: an instrument for weighing that indicates half-pounds.• clef: something to jump from before a viola solo.• conductor: a musician who is adept at following many people at the same time,even a viola section.• crescendo: a reminder to the violist that he has been playing too loudly.• crotchet: like knitting, but faster. .• cut time:1. parole.2. when everyone else is playing twice as fast as the viola section.• detaché: an indication that the trombones are to play with their slides removed.• diatonic: low-calorie Schweppes for violists.