GRAND ENCYCLOPEDIA OF VIOLA JOKES - Johnstone-music.com

Brain TransplantsOnce upon a time there was a famous hospital where they made braintransplantations. A client asked about the prices.The doctor said: "Well, we have a normal common-place brains starting at about€15,000. This Ph.D. brain costs €30,000... and this brain belonged to a NASA topscientist and costs a little in excess of €45,000. And ...oh yes, here we a violist'sbrain as well. It costs over €95,000."The client asked, "What? So much! How's that possible?"The doctor replied, "You see, it's totally unused."Great Health HazardsThe Association of Iberian orchestras was rather worried about the behavior ofits playing personal – you know, evening concerts followed by late-nightdrinking, parties etc. and they saw it as too closely linked to the‘entertainments’ world. So they set up various activities to help inform themusicians of the perils of their lifestyle. One of these was an AIDS conferenceheld in Madrid. Each orchestra was to send a responsible member, but it seemsthat the Barcelona orchestra could not find any employee interested in going,less a third desk viola player. So he was duly ‘chosen’.Upon the return to the orchestra the members eagerly asked him:“Well, how was it?”“Oh, just great!”“What did you learn”“Lots of things”“Come on, give us an example”“OK, see this” (stretching down to pick up a syringe) … “it’s infected with AIDS.Now … just look at this” – he proceeded to take the needle and stab it into hisarm several times. There was absolute aghast from the other players, indeeddespairing shouts. But he turned gently to them and said:“Don’t worry – you see I’ve already put a condom on!” …Seriously though, do you know that viola players can’t catch AIDS?No, even the virus is minimally proud …