GRAND ENCYCLOPEDIA OF VIOLA JOKES - Johnstone-music.com

VIOLA PLAYERS AND CONDUCTORSA conductor and a viola player are standing in the middle of the road. Which onedo you run over first, and why?The conductor - of course. It’s business before pleasure …A violist came home and found his house totally burned to the ground. When heasked what happened, the police chief told him "Well, apparently the conductorof your orchestra came to your house, and ..." . The violist's eyes lit up at once,and he interrupted excitedly, "The conductor? Actually came to my house?"At a rehearsal, the conductor stops and shouts to the double bass section: "Youare way out of tune. Check it, please!"The first bassist pulls gently at all his strings, says, "Our tuning is correct: all thestrings are equally tight." But then the principal viola turns around to theconductor and shouts:"They’re bloody idiots! It's not the tension. The pegs have to be parallel!" …Maestro (to arrogant viola principal): "Give me the F in tune!"Violist (to Maestro): "Please can we hear the F-in' tune too?" …In the orchestra at the end of the season, four musicians are picked at random toplay a field game … so … out of the lucky dip with the straws came the concertmaster(leader), a second violinist, a virtuoso violist, and a bass player, who areplaced individually at the four corners of a football field. At the signal, someonedrops a 100 euro note in the middle of the field and they are run to see who grabsit first. Who gets it?Well, the answer is the second violinist; in fact there was little or no competition!Why? … Because:No concert-master (leader) is going anywhere for only 100 €The bass player hasn't figured out what it's all about.And there's no such thing as a virtuoso violist ! …A viola player, fed up with the jokes of his instrument, decides to changeinstrument. After thinking about it during several weeks, he decides that it’sgoing to be the accordion for him. He goes to the local music shop and says tothe shop assistant:“I would like to see your accordions please”. The assistant points to a shelvingarea and says“There sir, all our accordions are there”. After looking a while, the violist says“I really like that big red one in the corner”.“But you are a viola player, aren’t you” asks the shop assistant.“Well, yes, how did you guess that?” says the surprised viola player.“Because that big red accordion … is … the radiator” … !