GRAND ENCYCLOPEDIA OF VIOLA JOKES - Johnstone-music.com

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What’s the difference between a principal viola and a chimpanzee?It’s scientifically proved that chimpanzees are capable of communicatingwith humans …Why can't you hear the viola section on a symphony orchestra digital recording?Recording technology has reached such an advanced level of developmentthat all extraneous noise is eliminated …TUTTI / RANK-AMD-FILE VIOLASWhat do you do with a dead violist?Just move him back a desk ...What's the difference between a class of deaf students and a symphonyviola section?The violists at least have a pension plan …What is the definition of a cluster chord?A viola section playing on the C string ...What's the similarity between the Beatles and the viola section of theRoyal Philharmonic Orchestra?Neither has played together since 1970 …One day in an orchestral rehearsal, the 3rd violist – in good spirits – made astupid joke. The principal viola, and it’s not known whether for jealousy or forpure responsibility, stood up and looked at him hard in the face, and said“John, that’s enough; the stupid things here are ONLY said by me, understood?”…
In a symphony orchestra rehearsal the principal conductor looked at a difficultpassage, and decided to hear the viola section alone. The conductor, a man withgreat aural perception, then said “I’m sorry, you, yes you, the 7 th viola, that F istoo sharp”. The violist responded:“But yesterday, I played it more or less the same, and it was alright!” …Did you hear about the principal violist who bragged that he could play demisemi-quavers/32ndnotes?The rest of the orchestra didn't believe him, so he eventually proved thepoint by playing one.After his retirement the violist arrived home carrying his viola case. His wife sawthe case and asked "What's that?"(Especially in Germany it is a standing joke that some players leave theirinstruments in their lockers, removing them only for rehearsals andperformances.)Did you hear about the violist who played so out of tune even the rest of the violasection could tell? (No, just kidding. That is very, very unlikely to happen) …A conductor gave out orders:“We’re going to take it from seven bars before letter A”.“But we haven’t got rehearsal letters in the score” said the concert master/leader.“Oh dear, how do we find it then?” replied the conductor.“It’s easy”, said the principal viola – “it’s exactly seven bars after where we aregoing to start from” …How do orchestral viola players traditionally greet each other, after a time goesby without them meeting up?"Hi. I played that last year" …What do you call ten viola players at the bottom of the ocean?- A good start …A female viola player was walking back-stage in large boots, when an annoyedsound technician says “I suppose you don’t know THE RULES OF MOVEMENT inrecordings?”“Well, no, but if you hum the first line maybe I could pick it up by ear” shereplied!
Page 4: If you're lost in the desert, what
Page 9 and 10: ‘NATURAL COMPETITION’ - COMPARI
Page 12 and 13: * Students (Teachers)The beginners
Page 14 and 15: DISHING OUT THE PUNISHMENT"Haven't
Page 16 and 17: *Going to WorkTwo viola players wer
Page 18 and 19: MORE AIR STORIES:Viola ‘Con’And
Page 20 and 21: Examination to become a professorat
Page 22 and 23: 11. Which of the following is the o
Page 24 and 25: What's the least-used sentence in t
Page 26 and 27: *SoloistsTHE AUTOGRAPH BOOKA world-
Page 28 and 29: REAL-LIFE REHEARSALS AS SOLOIST WIT
Page 30 and 31: Comments to the public (by Violist)
Page 32 and 33: PROFESSIONAL COMPOSERS/ORCHESTRATOR
Page 36 and 37: (Here is David Johnstone’s favour
Page 38 and 39: What instrument do violists envy mo
Page 40 and 41: *Advertisements / Announcements etc
Page 42 and 43: B) Stories - TalesThe BookshopA vio
Page 44 and 45: The Pianist TrillA viola player wen
Page 46 and 47: The Genie - Part IOnce there was a
Page 48 and 49: C) Viola - MiscellaneousViola Perfo
Page 50 and 51: Strong adherence to principles: Stu
Page 52 and 53: Actual Answers From Viola Studentsi
Page 54 and 55: Other Viola Players (not necessaril
Page 56 and 57: THE COMPLETE ENGLISH MUSICALDICTION
Page 58 and 59: • repeat: what a violist does unt

GRAND ENCYCLOPEDIA OF VIOLA JOKES - Johnstone-music.com

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