GRAND ENCYCLOPEDIA OF VIOLA JOKES - Johnstone-music.com

REAL COMPOSERSWhy didn’t Mozart write any awful notes for the viola to play in his Musical Joke?It really wasn’t necessary for him to write out those notes ...Why did Arnold Schönberg use violas in his Verklärte Nacht?It was the best he could do, because he hadn’t invented atonal music yet …Why is it envisaged that the ‘Arpeggione’ instrument is going to make a comebackin the 21st century?So that viola players will be able to play the Schubert sonata with frets … andthus in tune … !Conductor: "Start at the third measure/third bar"Principal violist: "Please … Hold on! We don't have bar numbers" …Did you hear about the sub-principal violist who played in tune?No, neither did I ...ORCHESTRAL SOLO PASSAGESWhy is a viola solo like a bomb?Because by the time you hear it, it's already too late to do anything aboutit …Why is an orchestral viola solo like premature ejaculation?Because you know it's coming, it’s coming, it’s coming, but there'snothing you can do about it ...During a concert, the first viola makes a hash of a viola solo and someone in thepublic cries“Principal viola … animal!”The conductor looks over his shoulder but continues conducting. After a whileanother solo is heard, and the violist makes a equal mess of it. Once again themusicians heard from someone in the public: “Principal viola … animal!” Thistime the conductor is rather annoyed, and looks menacingly at the corner of thepublic where he heard this comment. But he continued his work. Finally an evenmore difficult viola solo came round, and unfortunately it was a completedisaster … Yet again, and by the same voice, one could hear: “Principal viola …animal!” This time the conductor could bear his anger no longer. Stopping theorchestra in mid-passage, he stood up the violist in question, turned to thepublic and exclaimed - “ I want to know, WHO, from the anonymous multitudesof the hall, has dared call ‘Principal Viola’ to this animal” !!!