GRAND ENCYCLOPEDIA OF VIOLA JOKES - Johnstone-music.com

PROFESSIONAL COMPOSERS/ORCHESTRATORS ETC.Why don't professional orchestrators indicate Scordatura in Viola parts?The instrument is already generally played pretty much out-of-tune… giving this indication would only confuse the player …So,If there is almost hardly ever no ‘scordadura’ on the viola, how then do you get aviola player to tune his top string to G#?Loosen a battery on his electronic metronome/tuner when he’s notlooking …How does a composer create an orchestral glissando effect?Write a 16th note run (semi-quavers) for the Violas.What is the most badly guessed at sign written by copyists to violists, probablydating from being ‘erroneously’ taught in conservatoire days?V.S. … Violas Stop to turn the page!What are the two most common dynamic markings used in the twenty-firstcentury by composers for difficult viola parts?PP & PDP (Pianissimo & Please Don't Play)In today’s world, what is a sure sign of a composer’s madness?Writing a large-scale, four movement Viola Octet! …What does a viola section sound like under water?A very good idea! …A viola player arrived a few minutes late for the first rehearsal of the local choralsociety's annual performance of Handel's Messiah.He picked up his instrument and bow, and turned his attention to the conductor.The conductor asked, "Would you like a moment to tune?"The viola player replied with some surprise, "Why? Isn't it the same as last year?"The conductor said to a late viola player at a rehearsal “Thompson, you’re late.You should have been here at nine.thirty.”Thompson: “Why maestro? What happened?” …