GRAND ENCYCLOPEDIA OF VIOLA JOKES - Johnstone-music.com

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MORE AIR STORIES:Viola ‘Con’And, after landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope youenjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."Hijack WorryA group of terrorists hijacked a plane full of violists. They called down to groundcontrol with their list of demands, and added that if their demands weren't met,they would release one violist every hour! …In-flight JokesA noted comedian was recently flying to Berlin. He decided to strike up aconversation with his seat mate. His first words were:"I've got a really great viola joke. Would you like to hear it?""I should let you know first that I am a violist"."That's OK. No problem, I'll tell it real slow!"
*New Jobs SectionReading between the lines Reference for a Violist:To whom it may concern:1 Bob Smith, my assistant viola, can always be found2 hard at work at his desk. He works independently, without3 wasting orchestral time talking to colleagues. Bob never4 thinks twice about assisting fellow musicians, and always5 finishes learning repertoire on time. Often he takes extended6 measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee7 breaks. Bob is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no8 vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound9 knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Bob can be10 classed as an fine employee, the type which cannot be11 dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Bob be12 promoted to principal viola, and that the proposal will be13 executed as soon as possibleAppendix:Dear Sirs,That idiot was standing over my shoulder while I wrote the letter sent to youearlier today. I didn’t like to tell him the bitter truth to his face, so … kindly rereadagain, this time reading only the odd numbered lines for a more correctreference.B.G. Jones – Orchestral ManagerSmallville Symphony OrchestraA violist went for a conservatoire job audition-interview. He played lousy, butthere was no-one else applying. So the panel tried to help him. They said:“Never mind your playing, your profile interests us. Look here, on your CV itsays that although you are English you can speak German, Italian and Polish. Isthat right?”“Yes, it is” replied the violist.“OK, we’ll give you an easy question to see if you can come here to work – howdo you say ‘yes’ in German?”“Oui” replied the violist.“But that’s French” exclaimed the chairman of the panel.“Ah, well … well … make a note of French too” replied the viola player!
Page 4: If you're lost in the desert, what
Page 9 and 10: ‘NATURAL COMPETITION’ - COMPARI
Page 12 and 13: * Students (Teachers)The beginners
Page 14 and 15: DISHING OUT THE PUNISHMENT"Haven't
Page 16 and 17: *Going to WorkTwo viola players wer
Page 20 and 21: Examination to become a professorat
Page 22 and 23: 11. Which of the following is the o
Page 24 and 25: What's the least-used sentence in t
Page 26 and 27: *SoloistsTHE AUTOGRAPH BOOKA world-
Page 28 and 29: REAL-LIFE REHEARSALS AS SOLOIST WIT
Page 30 and 31: Comments to the public (by Violist)
Page 32 and 33: PROFESSIONAL COMPOSERS/ORCHESTRATOR
Page 34 and 35: What’s the difference between a p
Page 36 and 37: (Here is David Johnstone’s favour
Page 38 and 39: What instrument do violists envy mo
Page 40 and 41: *Advertisements / Announcements etc
Page 42 and 43: B) Stories - TalesThe BookshopA vio
Page 44 and 45: The Pianist TrillA viola player wen
Page 46 and 47: The Genie - Part IOnce there was a
Page 48 and 49: C) Viola - MiscellaneousViola Perfo
Page 50 and 51: Strong adherence to principles: Stu
Page 52 and 53: Actual Answers From Viola Studentsi
Page 54 and 55: Other Viola Players (not necessaril
Page 56 and 57: THE COMPLETE ENGLISH MUSICALDICTION
Page 58 and 59: • repeat: what a violist does unt

GRAND ENCYCLOPEDIA OF VIOLA JOKES - Johnstone-music.com

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