Read August's The Edge as a PDF - The Edge Magazine

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Book yourOUTDOORFUNCTIONNOW!‘DRINKAS MUCH ASYOU LIKE’BARS FOR ASETPRICE“THE BUBBLY IS ON US!”www.olivercatering.comEmail: enquiries@olivercatering.comTEL: 01245 451651Oooooh, young man....what’re you getting soooo excited about? Is it because it’s the V festival on18th - 19th August, followed by Brownstock 31st August - 2nd September? Is that what it is?Readers, please send in your photographs this year - and the above is preferable to the bandsthemselves - as your editor will be cleaning his fishtank out instead. shaun@theedgemag.co.ukThe Edge 077 646 797 44 Page 3

Not the full shillingSometimes you just look at old people andknow almost instinctively that they’re not thefull ticket....do you know what I mean, readers?There was one such bloke in the Men’s toilets(I’d have hardly have been in the Ladies,would I?) at Sainsbury’s this very day.He didn’t look like the bloke above (i.e. hewasn’t a dead giveaway in his appearance).No, it was more a case of what he had withhim in the lavatory.I’ll tell you, shall I?AN EMPTY SUPERMARKET TROLLEY.Granted it was the smaller version of the two,but this bloke had obviously collected a trolley,figured he wanted to turn his bike around andconsidered to himself, ‘I’m not leaving my trolleyoutside in the corridor as it mightn’t bethere after I’ve strained me greens.’Gawd love ’em, eh, readers?It’s not like it was the only trolley atSainsbury’s, is it?PRICELESS.METROI do have to say that I like that Metro ’paper that’sonly available at railway stations.Bloody good idea, it is, and aimed at a right properquality audience too.Anyway, there was this little snippet I read in therea while back about Team GB snowboard coachNelson Pratt (33) who was found hanged at hishome quite recently. I’d never even heard of him,but apparently he also trained the Army snowboardteam as well.Which got me to thinking about the time whenformer youthful Wales manager Gary Speedtopped himself. I was spending the weekend inBristol at the time I heard the news and I justcouldn’t believe it.So, two young men from the world of sport andthe question begs, why ever would they?I have my dark days and my dark moods. I guessit’s just something to do with how you’re wired.But Nelson Pratt and Gary Speed decided to putan end to their lives and to me, that’s almost asthough they’ve come to the conclusion that thingsdefinitely aren’t going to get any better.How can you decide a thing like that at such arelatively young age?Sometimes people have the best years of theirlives later on in life, yet these two fit and talentedguys clearly didn’t even consider giving themselvessuch an option.What goes on in a person’s mind that makes themso adamant as to the fact that they feel as thoughthey’ve simply had enough?Life is precious enough, so to just abruptly endyour own....That is plain sad.It makes me sad just thinking about it.Ali’s Taxis46-46-46inc. 8 seater mini-busesAirport TripsCorporate Accounts WelcomeBrazilian Jiu JitsuChelmsford City Martial Arts CentreUnit 21 & 22 Waterhouse Business Centre, Cromer Way,Chelmsford, CM1 2QE.Training Times: Monday: 9.00pm - 10.15pmFriday: 7.00pm - 8.30pm Saturday 11.30am - 12.30pmPRICE: £8 per class £6 NUS and JuniorsMonthly options availableFor more info email: chelmsford@carlsongracieessex.co.ukTEL: 07956 968860 www.carlsongracieessex.co.ukCity Breaks WorldwideORLANDO SPECIALSFROM £649Visit www.firstcall4travel.co.ukfor detailsFed up with the rain?Head to the Greek Islands topick up the sunshine and someGREAT LATE DEALS.0844 854 6255enquiries@firstcall4travel.co.ukavel.co.ukwww.firstcall4travel.co.ukGreecee and Greek Island SpecialistsFirst Call 4 Travel is a member of the Global Travel Group, thelargest independent travel consortium in the UK. Wehaveaccess to 100,000 Hotels and Apartments Worlwide. Add aflight to your chosen accommodation to make it a fully ATOLprotected package. age. All this can be booked on-lineor call /e-mail for Individual Customer Service 7 days a week.www.theedgemag.co.uk Page 5

WHAT THIS PICTURE SAYS TO THE EDGE...Freshly made sandwiches, jacket potatoes, salad boxes,homemade soups, cakes & much much more!Duke Street. Tel: 01245 499114Page 6DOORS - DOORS - DOORS‘Cheerful Bob’ & Bros. inc. ‘Serious Chris’& ‘Forgetful Dave’ - ‘all Alive & Fitting!”Family Business Est. 1979Internal/External, Hardwood/Softwood,Stairs & Spindles a speciality.Visit our door stall on Saturday’s at Chelmsford Market01245 361201 0777 893 8920“LOOK AT THIS GORGEOUS ORANGE BEAST!”No, not your editor! The scooter I’m talking about....check out the bloody scooter!I’d been to the Greek Isle of Kefalonia once before, about 17 years ago, and you know whenyou’re not all that bothered about going back? Lovely as it had been, I genuinely wasn’t. Onlywaddayaknow, it turned out to be one of the best weeks away I’ve ever had. Partly, I reckon,due to my holiday romance with the ‘Big Dutch’.That’s what I christened this lovely 300cc Korean scooter that I hired for 5 days for the princelysum of 125 Euros. Honest readers, it was love at first sight.I christened it the ‘Big Dutch’ as it had 50cc more than my X-Max back home and it’s colourstrongly suggested The Netherlands to me, and by Christ did it offer an excellent ride.Yeah, yeah, yeah, I can well appreciate that all of you big, butch motorbike riding types outthere are looking at this photo and calling me a prissy little sissy. But you know what, I honestlydon’t care. Gears on two-wheels are far too complicated for me and a scooter suits me just finefor getting around sightseeing, so live with it.Kefalonia is an ideally sized island for saddling up each and every morning, after a heartybreakfast, and bombing off to somewhere new, with the likes of Assos, Sami, Fiskardo andScala all being a delight to discover (even the second time around!) from our base at the excellent4-star Hotel Mediterranee in Lassi, just a short 20 Euro taxi ride from the airport.One of the particular highlights of this and every holiday I ever go on is getting on the lash andwe kicked-off this particular holiday in grand style at the poolside bar where we had lashingsand lashings of Ouzo and carbonated lemon (which is actually a whole lot different to lemonade)on day one, after which we never seemed to have an empty glass for the remainder of ourtime there.Different people seem to have very different ideas about what constitutes a damn good holiday.For instance, Edge columnist Steve Ward always hires a big Harley Davidson and tours differentroutes in America, whilst I know some of you “only ever do 5-star”. But honestly, I’m notbeing jealous when I address those of you who choose the latter by saying: “You can ‘do 5-star’anywhere in the world, but unless you actually drag yourself away from all of that cossetedsplendour and get your sweet ass out there and do a bit of roaming about, what are you reallylearning about the place you’re supposedly visiting, eh? Other than the fact that they offerexceptionally nice tastingMargaritas at the bar?”I also don’t buy into any of that,“I’m knackered - all I want to do islie on a sunbed” larkWhat, all bloody week???I took a book with me and onlymanaged 3 chapters...and thatincluded a 6 hour round flight!Honestly, readers, scooters aredefinitely the way to go, particularlyon quiet roads on your holidays.Hire cars are OK, but you feel asthough you’re ‘truly living’ on twowheels and you honestly get tosavour your senses a helluva lotmore than ever you do on four.I think it’s also superb going onholiday as a foursome as you definitelyhave a much better laugh,although choose your partnerscarefully, readers!So Kefalonia: would The Edgerecommend it? Damn right!‘The Butcher’ and I very much saw ourselves as EwanMcGregor and Charley Farley in ‘The Long Way Round’(Special Kefalonia edition) as all that was required wastwo-wheels, some appropriate headgear, a nicely fittingbra and off we jolly well rode, into the distance....shaun@theedgemag.co.uk

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the EDGEGetting caught reading a copy says more about youthan Fifty Shades of Grey ever will.CITIZENThis month Citizen uct’ that reflects that community in which it is found.recalls with affection For example, the fact that you are reading this copy ofthe Cries - and Criers The Edge may well mean that you have probably- of Chelmsford and picked it up from a ‘local business’ in or aroundapplauds the activitiesof local traders grateful to national concerns such as Network Rail andChelmsford (please note: the editor is of course alsogroups.Tesco who make the magazine available to its customers).But it is also people who make a town or cityChelmsford’s elevationto City status, which centre special and Citizen recalls with some genuineCitizen commented on nostalgia the names and faces of local characters whoin the April editions, will were in business in our town - some of whom are stillhopefully help to confirm its place as one of the premiershopping centres in Essex.thing different’.active today, albeit perhaps themselves doing ‘some-Like other major towns and cities, to be a ‘major destinationshopping centre’ is reliant to a large extend on who Citizen remembers had 3 or 4 carpet shops inPreeminent amongst these is probably Tony Appleton‘the usual suspects’ i.e. the major national household Chelmsford in the 70‘s and early 80’s. Tony was alwaysnames all being represented in the High Street and, of a character taking part in a number of interesting challengesincluding participating in the Selsey Birdmancourse, in Chelmsford’s case, the major city centreshopping malls (to borrow the far more appropriate and contest in around 1975 and trying to sail a bed acrossincreasingly used American term for what we used to the English Channel, of all things! His activities not onlycall precincts).made the local papers but Citizen can remember readingabout them in such diverse publications as theHowever, there are, in Citizens view, several other criteriarequired to make a city centre shopping visit a far Daily Mirror and even the Majorca Daily Bulletin in itsmore unique and memorable one - and one for which ‘Ricky - The Lash - Lazzar Show’ entertainment columnthe customers will return.that continues to this day.Paramount among these is a clean and friendly environmentwith a minimum number of empty shops and it hobby - being photographed with the rich and famous.Citizen recalls that Tony had a particularly interestingis Citizens contention that Chelmsford scores well on This included at the time Britain’s most popular comedyboth of these - or at least far better than most. Its duo Morecambe & Wise when they came to open hispleasant riverside location and parks are also greatly in new carpet shop and the neighbouring Coopers 3its favour. But what a town also needs is what in marketingterms is called a USP - a Unique Selling Point or opening of the High Chelmer Shopping Centre.Piece Suite Centre in Market Road at the time of theeven points. In other words, something different that Indeed, if you look at Tony Appleton’s website todayseparates it from the rest.there is a special place for a gallery of the aforementionedpictures of Tony with an assortment of famousAmong the best examples of unique shopping areasnestling alongside thriving city centres are two that stars and politicians.Citizen has brought to mind - The Lanes in Brighton The carpet shops are no longer there, but Tony hasand The Shambles in York. There’s hardly a multiple forged a highly successful career for himself that first ofstore between them, but Citizen would suggest that all saw him become Chelmsford’s very own Town Crieroverall the respective city centres, including the major and subsequently one of the country’s most preeminentnational stores found in them, derive as much benefit Toastmasters. Hence the website which tells us thatfrom their presence as do the businesses themselves Tony is now President of the Guild of Internationalin these little unique passages crammed with locally Millennium Town Criers and a member of the Guild ofowned specialty shops.International Professional Toastmasters. And it all startedin Chelmsford High Street, so all power to him!We may not have quite the equivalent of a Lanes orShambles in Chelmsford, but nonetheless this is why Citizen has no doubt that it is characters like this thatCitizen was delighted to read in January this year that help make a town or city a little bit special and whilethe West End Business Association (formerly, it we may not see so much of him now because of hisbelieves, known as the West End Traders Association) wider commitments, both Citizen and The Edge hopecentred upon the area of Broomfield Road where it and trust that Tony will be there for the big occasionmeets Duke Street has been reformed.when Chelmsford is officially and ceremonially crownedIt is to be hoped that this is a successful venture for the as a City in this Diamond Jubilee year.shops, pubs, restaurants and businesses concerned For a time, Tony even had a rival Town Crier in Barrythat takes its place once more alongside the establishedMoulsham Traders Association at the other end ers shops under the brand of ‘Hot & Crusty’ in theFarleigh - whose family had a number of excellent bak-of our city centre. For many years the MTA has championedthe individuality of the predominantly local com-buckled shoes and tricorn hat initially to help promote1980’s - took up the bell and donned the hose, jacket,panies in the part of Moulsham Street that is to be his wares.found on the ‘other side’ of Parkway. A proactive committeechaired by Jayne Gayer of CD’s Sandwich Shop found in our High Street and like other examples, itsThe bakery and main shop was where Gap is nowis in place that clearly continues the good work of formerstalwarts of the MTA in bygone days such as Brian length and breadth of the land where local businessesdisappearance illustrates what has happened thePawsey and Colin Gibson, and all power to them. are no longer found to the same extent, having beenBecause, quite simply, it is local shops alongside ‘the replaced in their former premises by branches of conglomeratesor otherwise Estate Agencies, Charitybig boys’ that makes a town or a city such a uniqueand thrilling place to visit.Shops and Tattoo parlours.It is perhaps inevitable that the major thoroughfares of A thriving town needs both the conglomerates and themost city centres (usually collectively known as the more bijou local shops. This is why the work being‘High Street’) have, over the years - due to the disappearanceof so many locally owned carpet, furniture, Business Association and the Moulsham Tradersdone by such notable organisations as the West Endelectrical and fashion stores - taken on a fairlyAssociation are so important in offering a local andhomogenised image with the same stores predominantlyfeaturing everywhere. However, there is still very Just ask the people of Brighton or York and long maysomewhat unique presence and feel to a city or town.much a place for ‘something different’. And the ‘somethingdifferent’ will in many cases include a ‘localthese organisations continue!prod-Page 8 The Edge 01245 348256

The Edge 077 646 797 44 Page 9

BJJBrazilianJiu Jitsuclasses,courses andseminars!Self Defence Programmes, Basic Martial ArtsProgrammes,Black Belt Programmes,Personal Martial Arts TrainingAward Winning Martial Arts & Self Defence Academy‘Laurence Sandum’s Black Belt Martial Arts Academy’The Fitness Academy Martial Arts Centre,1-2 Church Road, Boreham, Chelmsford, CM3 3EF. Tel: 01245 467680www.blackbeltmartialarts.co.uk www.thefitnessacademy.co.ukTracy & Paul Dale of First Call 4 Travel write:Travel is something most of us enjoy and would prefer to do far more thanmost of us actually have the time and finances for. I am pretty sure mostof us - at the end of our one or two week holiday - have dreaded thereturn to the old familiar routine we were so looking forward to escapingfrom. We have had these thoughts ourselves, many times!Today travel is more accessible than ever and long distance travel issomething many travellers take advantage of. Short City Breaks worldwideare something we can do more frequently, perhaps over 2, 3, 4 oreven 5 days, sometimes incorporating a weekend so that we have somethingto look forward to than just our annual summer holidays.First Call 4 Travel is a realisation of a dream to offer prospective travellersthe opportunity to visit our own individual bespoke website and booka City Break themselves, or to call our dedicated team 7 days a week forassistance in finding the destination or package of their choice.We have also accrued over 30 years of experience in travelling aroundGreece and its many islands and wanted to share this specialist knowledgewith our customers.First Call 4 Travel is a member of The Global Travel Group which is thelargest independent travel group in the UK. We have access to 100,000hotels and apartments worldwide. Add a flight to this accommodation tomake it a fully bonded ATOL protected package. We have the ability forthe customer to also book Airport Hotels, Parking, Transfers andDestination Experiences. All this can be booked online on our websitewww.firstcall4travel.co.uk you can also follow us on Twitter and Facebook!"Twenty years from now, you will be more disappointed by the thingsyou did not do than by the things you did. So throw off the bowlines.Sail away from the safe harbour. Catch the tradewinds in your sails.Explore. Dream. Discover." - Mark TwainWorking as a Travel Agent you can be asked all sorts of things…. “My dad has a moustache in his passport picture but doesn’t have onenow. Will he have to grow one before we fly out?” I was working in business travel during the ash cloud disruption. TheCEO of a very large, global client called me personally to ask if the closureof UK airspace affected first class flights...... And these are thepeople that are running the world! One we get all the time is, "We will go anywhere," so you offer themTurkey. "No, we will go anywhere but there." So you offer them Malta andit’s, “Anywhere but Malta and Turkey." This then goes on until you finallynarrow it down to the only place they meant by "anywhere" is Benidorm!Why don't customers just tell you what they want? Sometimes I think Ishould have a crystal ball! My favourite, upon asking about budgets, was getting the definiteanswer of £500 per person. When I found something for that cost, thecustomer said, “Oh no, that’s far too expensive!”Page 10 The Edge 01245 348256

The Edge proper loves it when readers send stuff in like this.It’s so simple, yet brilliant!Whilst we’re on the subject of buses tho’, is it just The Edge, orhave any other bus travellers noticed that some of our ‘local’Polish drivers aren’t so friendly to the point of coming across asbeing plain rude?Or does something simply get lost in translation?Unfortunately they are not stroking The Edge’s rhubard.Fish &ChipsEvery Thursday2 fish and chips anda pint of house ale orsmall glass of housewine for £20.00Senior CitizensLunchtimeSpecial£11.95 for 2 coursesMondayto FridaylunchtimesBEERFESTIVALFriday the 10th toSunday 12th of Augustfree admissioni9real ales to try plus ciders,live music Saturdayevening,face painting SundayandBBQ all weekend...THE GRIFFIN,64MAINROADDANBURY, CHELMSFORDESSEX CM34DHTelephone: 01245 699024www.griffindanbury.co.ukfindanbury. .co.ukwww.theedgemag.co.uk Page 11

ultimatedining experienceNEW LOOK!CORPORATE • BUSINESS • ROMANTICBusiness ● Meetings ● Casual ● Anytime ● AnyoneTHERESTAURANTON THE GREENFinest Chinese & Indian CuisineLounge BarWe are very proud to announce that our kitchens have just been presentedwith a 5 star rating for food and hygiene by Chelmsford Borough Council★★★★★5Award winning Chinese & Indian RestaurantFreshly prepared and personallyserved to your tableSET PRICE ALLYOU CAN EATBig Choice of Chinese & IndianMore than 200 dishesSunday to Thursday £14.95Friday & Saturday £16.95Children £6.90 (under 10yrs old)To assist our valued customers wehave dropped our service charge.Choice of à la Carte Menu or Set Price MenuConditions apply30 The Green, Writtle, Chelmsford CM1 3DU01245 422 228A Book For WomenAt the time of going to press, your editor is approximately three-quarters ofthe way through this book because I was curious to discover what all thefuss is about - alright, ladies?And I do have to say that I am not overly impressed.If Christian Grey’s outlandishly good looks and wealth aren’t enough (heowns and pilots his very own helicopter, chaps) then the frequency withwhich he tears the foil (tearing foil - now there’s a technical term) off a condomwrapper is totally beyond belief.Guys, I kid you not, he doesn’t so much as use a couple of sheaths in anight.....the author would have us believe that good old Christian is tearingfoil pretty much ten minutes after he last, erm, ‘tore it’.Oh, do come onnnnnnn! No wonder us blokes get a bad press if womenare going to start writing fairy stories about our species.And what’s even more galling is, as yet, at the point I’m up to they’ve onlyever used the bathroom for brushing their bloody teeth in.GET REAL! It can sometimes proper stink in there.....or don’t you ladieslike to read about stuff like that in your romantic novels?You seem to like a different sort of nitty-gritty to us blokes.‘Christian let out a rip-roaring fart, which was followed by a huge sploshingsound. “Oh Anastasia,” he cried out in relief, “come and have a look atwhat I’ve just done!”ARE YOU LOOKING FOR‘THE ONE’?Are you on mission to find love?Then you need to contact Susan at Introductions in Essex (see page 19).Her introduction agency takes you through a very friendly, confidentialinterview process so that she can discover all about you and the type ofperson who would be your perfect partner. Susan will work for you to findyour match, keeping you regularly updated and encouraged along theway without any internet dating whatsoever!Introductions in Essex are a friendly and approachable agency for anyonewho would like to enquire about meeting their match.£25 DISCOUNT!What’s more, mention The Edge when you sign up in August and you willqualify for a a £25discount!Introductions in Essex is a delightful match making service which iscompletely committed to creating couples!Telephone Susan on 01245 361946 for further details.5 STARSShafique (yes, he’s still there, folks, all you who haven’t visited him fora while) is pleased as punch to have recently gained five kitchen foodand hygiene stars by Chelmsford Borough Council.“Five is the maximum,” says an exceedingly proud Shafique of TheRestaurant on The Green. “So far as I am aware, no other Chinese orIndian restaurant in Chelmsford has attained such a high standard.”Work is also well on the way to completing his brand new bar andtapas area which will overlook the magnificent setting of Writtle Greenin future, with his newly laid out restaurant and subdued lightingnestling at the rear of this long established restaurant.Watch this space for further details...Page 12 The Edge 077 646 797 44

A Likely Story...Dear Edge,Following your recent article in issue:189 (page 18) about the large crocthat was eating African villiagers along the River Niger, we too have beennoticing similar problems with missing folks right here in Chelmsford.Fortunately for local people and paddlers alike, the members of GreenWatch recently dragged a similar beast out from the depths of the RiverChelmer which weighed in at a colossal 2,550 pounds (50 lbs heaver thanthe Niger croc, you will note, Mr Edge) and measuring 22.5ft in length(amazingly 6 inches longer than the Niger croc too).All Hail Green WatchChelmsfordIs this a bit of the old TRICK PHOTOGRAPHY, lads!Last time The Edge saw you lot you nearly knocked me off my pushbikein that noisy, shiny, big red crate of yours.And all for what?To rescue some puddy-tat stuck up a tree. Pagh!You lads want to get your priorities right!Come on tho’.....where did you really wrestle this croc from, eh?Present this voucher to receive aWASH, CUT& BLOWDRYall for£22.00*CALL (01245) 346348Walk in appointments also available.* Offer available Monday - Friday 10am - 4pm* Offer valid until 29th September 2012* One voucher per customer only* This voucher not to be used in conjunction with any otherpromotional offer* Subject to availability / selected stylists6 Rainsford Road, Chelmsford, CM1 2QD. Tel: 01245 346348We are just 50 metres from the County Hotel. LATE NIGHTS: Wednesdays & Fridayswww.auberginethesalon.co.ukVictoria Road, Chelmsford, Essex CM1 1NYTel: (01245) 269983We’re Open:6.00 Til Late Monday-FridayALL AMERICAN RESTAURANT50% OFFThis voucher entitles you to 50% off your total food billValid Sundays to Thursdays during August 2012.Enter your details, bring along this voucher and present when you ask for the bill.Name .....................................................................................................................................................Address .......................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................... Postcode ........................................Email .....................................................................................................................................................www.backinntime.co.ukwww.theedgemag.co.uk Page 13

Jo Williams - DirectorYour INFORMATIVEEstate AgentAre you a Rightmove addict?Do you qualify as a ‘Rightmove’ addict?Do you log onto the Rightmove property portal morethan once-a-week, even if you’re not looking to move?Got the app on your smart phone?Are you registered to receive updates whenever a newproperty comes on the market?Well, you could be addicted to a modern phenomenonlike many others. Back in the day, before the power ofthe internet, you used to have to trawl up and down thelocal Estate Agents which was a pretty painful and repetitiveprocess.Then when you wanted to communicate with your traditionalEstate Agent, generally they were closed with poorcustomer service when you wanted access to them.So along came Rightmove, Zoopla, Find a Property andcountless other property portals. You are now able toaccess all Estate Agents and properties at the touch ofa button.You can search any area of the UK without having tovisit the location itself.You can view the inside of a house without actuallygoing to see it.You can view the entire floor plan of your perspectivenew home.Over a period of time, the actual face-to-face contactwith your local Estate Agent has diminished.When we talk to our clients, sometimes they decline tobe registered with us as they declare that they registeredwith a property portal and therefore there is no need.There is no disputing the power of the internet and ofRightmove and other property portals. But hey, don’tmove too far away from the professionals who areexperts in your particular area.We know your local area and have years of experiencein matching buyers and sellers. There is SO MUCHMORE to the house buying and selling process thanmeets the eye. It would be naïve to think that the onlyskill of being an Estate Agent is to visit houses wearinga cheap suit.We have many retained clients that we speak to regularlythat we match to properties on one-off viewings withouta house even going on the open market.We view many houses that are not even on the openmarket, but with careful skill and negotiations, we areable to liaise to enable both parties to reach a mutual,beneficial outcome.And that’s not forgetting the part we play once the pricehas been agreed, which is a process that takes (nationalaverage figure) three months, of which we only ever takea fee when you actually move.We want you to come in and see us (we don’t wearcheap suits), have a cup of tea with us and chew the faton the ups and downs of the stressful process that ismoving house.We’ve made our ‘home’ a nice place to come and visit,so we hope you’ll pop in and see us, tell us what youneed and we’ll aim to help you with or without RIGHT-MOVE (or any other property portal)!Contact The Edge at: 01245 348256 or 077 646 797 44www.thehomepartnership.co.uk11 Duke Street, Chelmsford CM1 1HLTelephone: 01245 250222Every Friday and Saturday nightfrom 5pm at The Beehive Pub,Beehive Lane, Chelmsford.Eat-in or take awayFor full menu please visitchelmsfordcatering.co.ukFor phone orders please call:01245 409 145Chelmsford Catering - Large event specialists168 Moulsham Street, Chelmsford CM2 0LDTel: 01245 409 145chelmsfordcatering.co.ukPage 14 The Edge 077 646 797 44

A Splendid Little PubThe Compasses, tucked away rather refreshingly at Littley Green, has wonthe Jack Hillier award for CAMRA Essex Pub of the Year 2012.The former Ridley's Brewery Tap, now owned and run by Joss Ridley, sawoff some fierce competition from the other Essex branch winners.The pub, also fondly called ‘The Huffer Pub’, has had a busy couple ofyears, having built 5 guest accommodation rooms to a very high standard,been instrumental in the formation of the Bishop Nick Brewery (owned andrun by Joss's brother Nelion), and heavily promoting Mild (15 differentmilds were enjoyed at the pub throughout May), as well as raising almost£7,500 for Farleigh Hospice through their summer beer festivals (nowknown as Hopstock).Despite these side projects, this thriving rural pub remains the focal pointfor the community and draws many loyal customers from the surroundingvillages. Joss says, "We're really proud to have won this award for acouple of reasons. Obviously it's great to be recognised for serving a verydecent pint on a regular basis, but that's almost expected of me, given myfamily brewing background! But what I'm really proud of is the fact thatwe've managed to preserve the pub by developing it into a 'destinationlocal'. Many people seem to travel some considerable distance to use ourpub as their ‘local’, which is really great. As a result, we get a hugelyvaried and friendly clientele which makes the pub a really vibrant andexciting place to be. In other words, if you turn up and you don't knowanyone, chances are you soon will!"The Compasses now goes through to the East Anglia regional CAMRAcompetition with the winner being announced in the middle of August.BEER & MUSICFESTIVALFEATURINGOVER 60REAL ALES,FROM EVERY COUNTYIN ENGLANDALSOVINTAGE TRACTORPLOUGHING, THUFFER STALLS, BBQ,LS, LIVE MUSICTHEHUFFERPUBTNGESSEX CAMRATHEAPUB OFYEAR20122SUPPORTINGTHECOMPASSES ASSESATAT LITTLEYGREEN, GREAT WALTHAM, CM31BUO12453623O83O8 WWW.COMPASSESLITTLEYGREEN.CO.UKwww.theedgemag.co.uk Page 15

Rehab Hair Studio dream team is the best of the best!Rehab Hair Studio is now 6 months old and has already made a BIG IMPACT inChelmsford - so much so that we have even managed to attract visitors from otherlocal hair salons to see what we’re up to!Over the years we have come across most of the usual stories within the industry,such as bad service and hit and miss haircuts, but in Chelmsford we believe the mainbugbear is overpriced work.Salon owner Zak Menderin has over 18 years inthe hair industry. Trained in the flagship VidalSassoon Salon in London’s West End, Zak laterbecame a Senior Art Director for Toni&Guy(Sweden) and Lee Stafford Salons. He then wenton to travel the world to look after the hair ofmany A-List celebs.Winner of awards for his previous salons, includingthe Schwarzkopf Art Team of the year, finalistfor the Toni&Guy International PhotographicAwards representing Sweden + his short stint onthe hit T.V. show 'The Salon'.Zak is a true master of his craft and his outstandingwork reflects in the eclectic look of his new salon Rehab Hair Studio.Set in the trendy West End of Chelmsford, Hair Rehab pride their new studio on itsrelaxed customer service and ongoing creative work, as well as being one of the onlysalons in Chelmsford to stock the uber trendy Kevin Murphy Session range. You willfind these products mainly in the heart of London’s West End and we feel veryprivileged to have such a range on board for use in our studio.“I have spoken to many clients who have been made to feel as though they havebeen rushed from their seats in numerous local salons,” says Zak. “We also find ithard to believe that they feel they can justify charging over the odds in Chelmsfordfor truly mediocre work. The standards you set and the service you offer should bereflected in your prices and in my humble opinion, locally trained stylists have not gota touch on London’s West End session workers.“At Hair Rehab we want to create that perfect look for you, and we also want you tohave a fantastic time in our studio whilst we are achieving it!”REHAB HAIR STUDIO - Offering a full range of Hair, Nail & Beauty TreatmentsArch 22, Viaduct Road, Chelmsford,Essex, CM1 1TS. TEL: 01245 348787www.rehabhairstudio.co.uk Catch us on our late nights ’til 10pm Wednesday,Thursday and Fridays!Rehab Beach Babe Hair!Beach Babe Hair is back! Our subtle California Frosting is key to poolside days andthose warm summer evenings. Top stylist Naomi Menderin shares her ideas and hairsaving tips that are guaranteed ti give you beach babe status!I would recommend that with any pre-holiday highlights it’s best to get an appointmentat least 5 days before you fly in order for your hair to replenish itself before itssubjected to those sunny rays. It’s also a good idea to take your highlights at leasttwo shades darker than normal as the sun will naturally lift your hair to those extrashades, leaving it beautifully sunkissed throughout.As I know from experience just how much the sun can play havoc with your hair,here at Rehab we believe that using the right products to maintain condition isparamount and our Kevin Murphy range has definitely got it all covered..A shampoo and conditioner with U.V guard to protect against fading is a must whilstour Kevin Murphy ‘Beat the Heat’ pack, with its beautiful blend of protection treatments,will keep your hair’s moisture, shine and strength (contains a 250mlProtection Wash and a 250ml Leave In Protection conditioner that will leave yourlocks looking healthy and glossy, all for just £15.95!As long as you protect your hair your colour will be fine. Keep hair protected with aleave in protection and a cute hair scarf or hat.Throughout August we would like to offer our fantastic Rehab clients and Edgereaders an amazing 25% OFF our Rehab Hair Studio Colour Services, so we cangive you that perfect holiday hair wherever you’re going!Rehab V-FEST Survival Guide!Rehab Hair Studio Chelmsford is the place to visit before the V-Festival kicks off this summer!With the V-Fest shuttle bus picking up from right outside our salon and taking youstraight to all of the madness and mayhem, our studio, nail area and private treatmentroom is the place to be before you hop aboard to party the weekend away. So come getyour Party Rock on @ Hair Rehab before you hit the festival!But wait - it gets even better! With the lack of clean showers at V-Fest, Hair Rehab hasinstalled its very own private shower/dressing room and with its exclusive hire you canwash off all of that festival dirt, re-do your make up get a bangin’ blow-dry so that you’reready to hit the V-Fest looking fresh as a daisy once again!Over the 19th & 20th August our studio will be offering a limited amount of £18 blowdrys,false eyelashes, face painting, express manicures and pedicures.Want that Dip Dye look, but without the commitment? Rehab Hair Studio offers the nextgeneration of dip-dying with a wipe on-wipe off colour!Colour Bug Ombre Looks....for on night only and with 3 intense fluro colours thepossibilities are positively endless. But beware as the Ombre hair look is the trend thatjust wont quit!Page 16 The Edge 077 646 797 44

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YOUR&lettersemailsto theedge!CHELMSFORD, CM2 6XD.shaun@theedgemag.co.ukSHAMELESSDear Edge,Just read your article about ‘SexLies & Rinsing Guys’ (June Edge)and we wholeheartedly agree withwhat you said; it honestly made uscringe. Why can’t people do a fairdays work for a fair days pay anymore?Which brings me to the part aboutgetting hold of a good plumber(which you also mentioned in yourarticle). My name is Andy Penfold,my company is MoulshamPlumbing & Heating and I alwaysturn up when I say I am going toturn up!Furthermore, we love Lek’s ThaiFood at Chelmsford Market (issue:185) but now that you’ve mentionedit in the mag, we’re definitelygoing to try that Pie & Mash Shopin Maldon High Street - and I’malso going to get my barnet cut atHarry Green’s at the same time!moulshamplumbingandheating@yahoo.co.ukThat is a shameless bit of selfpromotion,is that, Andy. E.E.Providing assistance for all abilities,classes are run out of AngliaRuskin University and alreadysigns of progress are being seen.Pictured is student Mollie, aged 13,who told us, "It's given me so muchmore confidence. In a recent mathstest I scored 90% which had neverhappened before!"For further details contact Ian on01245 461164 or go directly tohttp://www.firstclasslearning.co.ukIan TutakDeep down, The Edge HATES allthis FREE ADVERTISING thatpeople are wangling! E.E.GINGERDear Edge,I think your Kingmeister columnistis well out of order for insinuatingthat it doesn’t get any worse thanbeing ginger (June Edge).FFRFGFG(Fighting For Respect For GingerFolks in General)Yeah, that was a bit underhand ofKingpin, was that, so The Edgewould like to apologise to anygingas out there who might havehad to have a couple of days offschool or work as a result of hisbitter, barbaric and downrightinsensitive comments. After all,how would Kingpin like it, I wonder,if one day he woke up andsuddenly found himself ginger allover?E.E.ROYAL ROGERINGDear Edge,Spotted Liz, Phil and William inGalleywood recently and it lookedas though a right Royal rogeringwas taking place!Michael GellPROSTATE CANCERDear Editor,Having just read this month’s editionof The Edge, in particular yourlittle mention of bladder control, soI thought I would tell you that I hada similar problem about 7 yearsago (aged 54). I had put up with itfor a few years, but eventually wentto see my GP.He sent me for a blood test (PSA)The result came back at 48 - whichis not good. I was eventually told Ihad prostate cancer.Urinary frequency is one of thesymptoms, especially at night.This might not be the case whereyou are concerned, but all thesame, I would suggest you find out.If they catch it early enough, theycan be quite good at sorting it outwithout too many problems.However, if it’s something elseentirely, then so much the better,but perhaps you should find out forcertain? After all, it’s not alwaysjust a case of getting older andhaving to put up with it.Steve Farmer.Thanks for that, Steve. Guess Ineed a willing nurse Edge readerto pull on a pair of rubber glovesand have a bit of a poke aboutthen. Any offers, ladies? E.E.BRANCHING OUTDear Edge,We were in London the other weekand thought of you - the picture(below) explains why.Are you expanding your empire?All the best,Simon Jury.Nowt to do with me, sir. Lookslike they sell alcohol, which TheEdge strongly disapproves of!STERLING JOBDear Edge,This bloke deserves a medal!He’s a familiar face around andabout Chelmsford, day in, day out,come rain or shine, keeping ourCity’s streets clean and tidy.You will all have all seen him, I’msure.On my way into work this morninghe was down on his hands andknees scraping the moss out of theblock paving in our High Street.The guy is just brilliant!So next time you see him in thestreet, doing a sterling job, pleaseshake his hand or tell him youappreciate what he does becauseif we didn’t have people like him,grafting so very hard, Chelmsfordwouldn’t be such a clean and tidyplace to live.Jo WilliamsThe Home Partnership Ltd.’Ere, ’ere, Josephine. E.E.FISHY STORYDear Edge,Do you think you have to throw theOAPs back in once you’ve caught’em?FIRST CLASS LEARNINGOPENSDear Edge,A Maths and English study centrefor students aged 4-16 yearsrecently opened in Chelmsford.First Class Learning programmesare designed to meet and thereforeare supplementary to the UKschool curriculum.Ernie & JoanChelmsfordPage 18 The Edge 077 646 797 44

Towards the end of last month I visited Darren and Pearl at theirclinic, Renew You, at The Beauty Yard in Broomfield Road (nearerKFC as opposed to the town end), writes The Edge Ed.Renew You is a swanky aesthetics clinic which specialises in laseroperation, in particular tattoo removal and teeth whitening. Expansionis currently underway into IPL hair removal, red wine vein removal,scar removal, skin rejuvenation, speckle removal, facial vascularlesions therapy, acne therapy, skin tightening and wrinkle removal....plus the all-important and increasingly popular laser fat removal.Whilst in their company, Pearl (above) - who somewhat appropriatelyreally is called Pearl, as it happens - whitened my Austin’s (Powers)teeth - damn those copious bottles of red wine to hell - using a mix ofcarbamide peroxide and sodium perborate whitening gels, togetherwith the blue cold light one hour system technology. Not only was Iimpressed with the results, but absolutely delighted that I was left withno sensitivity or discomfort whatsoever. I was told to expect the resultsto last for a good 12 months, red wine permitting!As for the tattoo laser removal, it's state-of-the-art and one of thelatest models in the UK - a right clever piece of kit. Renew boast themost advanced tattoo removal machine in Essex and assure me thatthey will keep up with the times so that they are always at the forefrontof the industry. The machine is a Double Nd:YAG with the laser utilisingthe latest double-rod technology, thus offering more powerful energythan normal lasers. Originally designed for use in clinics, this innovativelaser is equally suitable for large Tattoo Studios with a highdemand for laser tattoo removal. The higher energy of the DoubleYAG Laser can remove birth marks, Nevus of Ota and other pigmentationboth better and faster.Obviously I wasn’t able to trial their laser tattoo removal machine asmy bod is strictly a tattoo free zone, but I did see several BEFOREand AFTER photos of a ‘tat’ that Darren’s in the process of havingremoved from his shoulder and after 3 sessions there’s virtually onlythe outline that’s still left to be removed. It's all very impressive andapparently the laser can completely remove a tattoo in 3-8 sessions atcosts from as little as £30 a pop.Costs:Laser tattoo removal starts from £30 and there as some meatydiscounts available for multiple tattoo removalsTeeth whitening is £99Call Renew You on 0845 519 9361 or 07581 352070 and make anappointment Monday - Friday 8.00am - 8.00pmor Saturdays 9.00am - 4.00pm.www.renewyoulimited.co.ukThe Double Nd:YAGtattoo removalmachine is a tastybit of kit!www.introductionsinessex.co.ukARE YOULOOKING FOR‘THE ONE’?We are a bespoke match making service activelyworking for every member, no internet dating –just a confidential, back to basics approach tofinding love and friendship!We take the time to find out about every individual, your interests, valuesand way of life to fully build up a rapport and get to know you so we canstart you on the journey to finding lasting love!Affordable, one off joining fee, no hidden extras, a reliable, friendly andprofessional service committed to creating couples.Please call us today 01245 361946 for an informal chat aboutmembership options or find out more at our websitewww.introductionsinessex.co.uk using our contacts page.We would be delighted to hear from you!Laser Teeth WhiteningThe Edge 01245 348256 Page 19

ONLYJOKING!TOURETTES"What do we want?""A cure for tourettes!""When do we want it?""Bollocks!"CONGRATULATIONSCONGRATULATIONS! You have won £500 ofshopping vouchers, or a night at an ElvisPresley tribute act. To claim your prize press 1for the money or 2 for the show.FRIGHTENING STATISTICTHIS IS A FRIGHTENING STATISTIC, MOSTPROBABLY ONE OF THE MOST WORRYINGIN RECENT YEARS:-25% of women in this country are on medicationfor mental illness. That's scary stuff, becausewhat it really means is that 75% of women arerunning around with no medication whatsoever.DUBLIN GOLD CUPA bloke at a horse race in Ireland whispers toPaddy, who is stood next to him, “Psst. Do youwant the winner of the next race?”Paddy says, “No tanks, if it’s all the same toyou. I’ve only got a small garden.”SILVER SURFERSAs all Silver Surfers know, sometimes we havetrouble with our computers.I had a problem yesterday, so I called Eric, the11 year old next door, whose bedroom looks likeMission Control, and asked him to come over.Eric clicked a couple of buttons and sorted theproblem immediately.As he was walking away, I called after him, “So,what was wrong?”He replied, “Oh, it was an ID ten T error.”“A what?” I repliedEric grinned and said, “Write it down.”So I did: ID10TI used to like Eric.ARCHIE & JIMMYTwo Glaswegians, Archie and Jimmy, are sittingin the pub discussing Jimmy's forthcomingwedding."Och, it's all goin' pure brilliant," says Jimmy."Ay've got everythin' organised ulriddy. Thefluers, the Kirk, the mootor caurs, the recuption,the rungs, the monuster, even ma stag neyt".Archie nods approvingly."Ay've even bought a brand new kilt to bemarried in," continues Jimmy."A kilt?" exclaims Archie, "That's magic. You'lllook pure mustard in that, Jimmy. What's thetartan?""Och," says Jimmy, "ah'd imagine she'll be in allwhite."COMPLETELY NAKEDScared the postman today by going to the doorcompletely naked. I'm not sure what scared himmore, my naked body, or the fact that I knewwhere he lived.NEW BOSSA large steel manufacturing plant, feeling it wastime for a shakeup, hired a new manager. Thisnew boss was determined to make an impressionand rid the company of all its slackers.On his first tour of the facilities, he noticed ayoung man leaning up against a wall. The placewas full of workers and the new boss wanted tolet them know that he meant business. So heasked the young man, "How much money doyou earn a week?"A little surprised, the young man looked at himand said, "I make £200 a week. Why?"The CEO said, "Wait right here," before marchingoff to his office and returning a few minuteslater with a cheque for £800. "Here's four weeks'severance pay,” he announced loudly for all tohear. “Now GET OUT and don't come back."Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEOlooked around the workshop and asked, "Doesanyone want to tell me what that lazy sod didhere?"From across the workplace a voice rang out,"He was the pizza delivery guy from Domino's."ROLF HARRISRolf Harris was in the supermarket when a littleold lady asked, "Are you that bloke from theseventies who did Two Little Boys?""No," Rolf replied. "That was Gary Glitter."DISRESPECTFUL PIGShe came home early and found her husband intheir bedroom making love to a very attractiveyoung woman.“You are the most disrespectful pig!” she cried.“How dare you do this to me; a faithful wife toyou for twenty years, the mother of your threelovely children? I'm leaving you, you ungratefulswine.““Now hang on just a minute, love,” replied thehusband coolly. “At least let me tell you exactlywhat’s happened here.”“Fine! Go ahead,” she sobbed, “but they'll bethe last words you'll ever say to me.”“Well, it was like this,” he began. “I was gettinginto the car to drive home from work when thisyoung lady asked me for a lift. She looked sodown and out that I took pity on her and invitedher into the car.“I noticed that she was very thin, not welldressed and very dirty too. She told me that shehadn't eaten for three days.“So, in my compassion, I brought her home andwarmed up the sausage toad and mash that Imade for you last night - the meal you wouldn'teat because you're afraid you'll put on weight.“The poor thing devoured it in minutes.“Afterwards, since she needed a good clean-up,I suggested she take a shower. While she wasdoing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty andfull of holes, so I threw them away and gave herthat designer outfit that you don't wear becauseyou say it’s too tight.“I also gave her the underwear that I bought youfor an anniversary present, but you don't weareither because you say I don't have any taste.“I also gave her that sexy blouse that my sistergave you for Christmas that you also neverwear, simply to annoy her.“And I also donated those boots you bought atthat expensive boutique in town and don't wearsimply because one of your friends has a pairthat are exactly the same.”The husband took a deep breath and continued,“She was so very grateful for my understandingand help that as I walked her to the front door,she turned to me with tears in her eyes andsaid, “Do you have anything else your wife isn’tinterested in?”HAND GRENADESPaddy and Mick find three hand grenades anddecide to take them to the police station.Mick says, “But what if one explodes before weget there?”Paddy rubs his chin and thinks for a minute,before exclaiming, “No problem! We just lie ourarses off and say we only found two.”RACING SNAILPaddy’s racing snail is not winning anymore, soPaddy decides to take its shell off to reduce itsweight and drag and make it more aerodynamic.But it doesn’t work. If anything, it made the snailmore sluggish.TWO WIRESPaddy finds a sandwich with two wires stickingout of it. So he ’phones the police and says,“B’jasus! I’ve just found a sandwich that looksloike it moight be a bomb!”The operator asks, “Is it tickin’?”Paddy says, “No. I tink it might be beef.”CLOSE YOUR CURTAINSMick says to Paddy, “For fock’s sake close yourcurtains next time you’re making love to yourShirley on the living-room settee. The wholestreet was watching and laughing at you yesterdayafternoon.”Paddy says to Mick, “Well the joke’s on themthen, because I wasn’t even home yesterdayafternoon.”READY FOR A HOLIDAYPaddy says to Mick, “I’m really ready for a holiday,only dis year I’m goin’ t’do it a bit different,loike. Y’see, tree years ago I went to Spain andShirley got pregnant. An’ two years ago I wentto Italy and lo and behold, Shirley got pregnantagain. Then just this last year I went to Majorcaand whaddayaknow, my Shirl was almost immediatelywith child.”“So what’re y’goin’ t’do differently this year?”Mick asks?”Paddy says, “Well, I’m goin’ to take the damnbitch with me this toime for starters.”The Edge would like to apologise to all its Oirish readers!All jokes published are supplied by Edge readers. Please send your ‘egg yokes’ to shaun@theedgemag.co.uk

£3495.00Bathrooms, Ensuites, Cloakrooms, Wetrooms, Shower roomsBuilding work, Heating, Plumbing, Electrics, Tiles,Flooring, Carpentry,Ideal Standard, NoCode, Aqualisa Hi-Qu, Bette, Kaldewei,Who’s a cuteywutey wutey then?!Last month The Edge confessed that it hadhalf-considered buying a pug dog and wonderedwhether there was such a thing as aFPOC (frivolous pug owners club) that offereda PDSS (pug dog sharing scheme)?Well, as it happens, there isn’t.....but thatdidn’t stop regular reader Kelly Taylor gettingin touch (bless her for her sins, for she knowsnot what she does) and offering the mag theopportunity to take her ickle pug dog Minnieout for walkies in Central Park sometime,which is something The Edge is definitelygoing to take her up on.Ooooh, but those scones do look good too!£3495.00Building work, Granite, Lighting, Tiles, FlooringAppliances, Sinks and taps, Electrics, Wood worktopsK Kitchens, Made to measure kitchens, Granite,Solid wood worktops, Franke sink and taps,Abode, Appliances£3995.00£5995.00Family run business122 Byron roadEssex CM2 6HJTel : 01245 269778BathtubBathrooms and Kitchens1A Edward Bright CloseMaldonEssex CM9 5RUTel : 01621 859966www.theedgemag.co.uk Page 21

Walk this way to Chelmsford’sGirls Night Out 2012Ladies: gather your friends and family, dress in pink, tie up your laces andjoin with hundreds of ladies taking part in the highly enjoyable 6km GirlsNight Out sponsored walk on Saturday 15th September in Chelmsford.The route, setting off at 7:30pm from Backnang Square after a special warmup session, follows a circular route through nearby parks and will be supportedby volunteer marshals to provide for your safety. This year’s theme isBright Pink & Stars and The J’s Hospice will have a prize for the best fancilydressed lady of the night!Last year, the event as attended by a very special guest; TV CoronationStreet’s Michelle Collins, who set everyone off and walked the route with allof the participants. And Michelle will also be joining the 2012 event, subjectto her work commitments. Details at www.GirlsNightOutWalk.comVOLUNTEER COMPLIMENTARY THERAPISTS REQUIREDat FARLEIGH HOSPICEOur well-being service is seeking qualified Complimentary Therapistswho can donate some of their time (at least 4 hours per fortnight).For further information, please contact our recruitment line on(01245) 457411 or email:hradmin@farleighhospice.orgTelesales £26,000 OTEYou will need to be energetic, very hard working andambitious. You must have a fun, outgoing personalityand be comfortable making a high volume ofoutbound calls, handling rejections and forging newrelationships. Ideally you will have previous telesalesexperience and great communication skills.If you really are ambitious call us NOW or submit yourCV at www.dbsdata.co.uk/work-with-usCall: 01245 397 570www.dbsdata.co.ukPage 22Information Solutions - £14,000 basic + commissionA great opportunity to join a young dynamic teamTHE THREE ELMSChignal St. JamesChelmsford CM1 4TZPlease come along to ourBEER & CIDER FESTIVAL10th - 12th AUGUSTOver 20 real alesOver 20 real cidersMUSIC, FOOD & FUN!TEL: 01245 443151www.the-three-elms.comwww.theedgemag.co.uk

IMPERIAL PACKS ’EM INIn these days of so called austerity, it’s good to see local restaurantspacking the punters in, so hats off to the Imperial in Baddow Road(opposite Zagger).This first floor restaurant has recently undergone a refurb and thesephotographs were taken in July, before the OFFER (below) for AUGUSTONLY was introduced, so youcan tell just how popular thisrestaurant really is.There’s a ‘help yourself’ buffetthat’s always being restockedand once you’ve finished yourmeal you’re right in the veryheart of Chelmsford to continueyour day/evening.During August only, the Imperialare also offering a FREE softdrink or half-a-lager to every visitor who produces the advertisementbelow (photocopies also accepted and only one advertisement per partyis required to take advantage of this one-off offer).BRIGHT PINK PANTS - (say what you see) as snapped at this yearswashout of a CAMRA Beer Festival in Admiral’s Park, Chelmsford.LUNCH SERVED 12 - 2.30pmDINNER 6pm - 11.00pmSPECIAL OFFERALL YOU CAN EATCUT THIS ADVERT OUT & BRING IT ALONG WHENYOU DINE IN EXCHANGE FOR 1 SOFT DRINK ORHALF-A-LAGER P/P IN YOUR PARTY (AUGUST ONLY)!LUNCH £4.80DINNER £9.20WE ARE HERE!(Above William Hill Bookmakers)ODEONCINEMABADDOW ROADMeadowsCar ParkTerms & Conditions: This offer is not valid in conjunction with any other promotional offers.1st Floor, 11-15 Baddow Road,Chelmsford, CM2 0BX.TEL: 01245 250759 / 600022OPEN 7 DAYS A WEEKCash Payments Only - NO CARDS!COMESEE OURNEWLOOK!shaun@theedgemag.co.uk Page 23

Tragically Mick Rolfe went into acoma on May 27th of this yearwhilst on holiday in Menorca.He was a fun guy and as most of hisvast number of friends well know, hehad a real zest for living andexpressed it through his friendshipsand his many sporting achievements.Football was his first passion, withsquash taking a very close second.Mick played in the Essex Leagues formany, many years.More latterly he enjoyed playing golfand in 2011 he was made Captain ofMaldon Golf Club.Mick met wife Patricia 50 years agoand they were married for 44 years.They have two loving children in Samand Scott and many happymemories formed both together andwith family and friends.Menorca was their first second homewhere the pair forged numerous goodfriendships on the Island, with everyonebeing totally devastated by Mick’ssudden demise.Mick also enjoyed spending time inSwanage, where he and Pat had their second second home, enabling themto enjoy so many of Dorset’s numerous activities, such as walking in thewinter months and visiting Studland beach in the summer, as well as cyclinginto Bournemouth from Sandbanks.Mick was a very talented man who could turn his hand to anything, whilstalways being ready to help almost anyone.Fortunately he retired aged 56, offering him more opportunities to travelboth at home and abroad. Although he had visited New York and TheCaribbean - including the Panama Canal, Bermuda and Cuba, all places hewanted to see - he still had many more plans, such as another two monthEuropean camping stint as well as return visits to both Thailand and SouthAfrica, as he especially enjoyed being on safari.So please all raise your glasses to Mick and celebrate all the good times hehelped create for everyone.Mick Rolfe 19.3.44 - 4.7.12Editor’s NoteI knew Mick Rolfe a bit.I used to play squash against him.Fact is, aged 64 - 67, he used to runme ragged in our league encounters,which is pretty damn incredible for abloody pensioner!Thing is, Mick wasn’t just ‘fit for hisage’, he was fit, period. And at 68years young, he looked every bit likehe looks in the photograph (left),which is a good 10 years youngerthan what his birth certificate wouldhave us all believe.Apparently the staff at the hospital inMenorca where he was rushedthought there must have been somemistake when they read through hisrecords; when they read that the yearof his birth was 1944.I used to tell him he was ‘a freak ofnature’, only I won’t be telling him thatany more, will I? And that’s preciselywhy life completely sucks at times.Correction: death is what sucks,because this is yet another one thatsimply shouldn’t have happened.If anyone was ever going to live until a ripe old age - if you knew him - thenyou’d definitely have imagined it was going to be Mick Rolfe.As a man, he possessed two things that I simply don’t.1. He always had a smile on his face. I never, ever, not even once, sawMick looking glum, moody or miserable.2. He always seemed to have time for people.What is a tragedy?Define a tragedy?I am telling you straight; the fact that this man is no longer with us is....it is,quite simply, unjust.Liked, respected and loved by all who knew him.An incredibly fine fellow who’ll be sorely and sadly missed.Page 24 The Edge 01245 348256

CAMP IN STYLE WITH ‘V’ STYLE LUXURYCAMPINGYou’ll have to be quick, but The Edge has it on good authority that there’sstill some UPC (ultra posh camping) options left for the V-Fest!‘V’ Style makes its welcomed return to the V-Fest following the huge successof these luxury living quarters at last years festival. ‘V’ Style offersfestivalgoers at Hylands Park, Chelmsford, the opportunity to dance thedays away and enjoy the nights in the comfort of high-end festival living.To book a ‘V’ Style experience visit http://www.vfestival.com/tickets/v-styleluxury-camping.‘V’ Style guests will enjoy the ultimate festival experience with access toexclusive hospitality areas, an on-site baggage valet service upon arrival,a free festival programme and, of course, warm showers. Guests can alsorelax in the lounge café & bar or spruce up in a complimentary pamperingroom, filled with mirrors, hairdryers and straighteners. Who said you hadto ‘rough it’ at a pop festival?!The luxury ‘V’ Style experience offers a range of stylish alternatives tonormal, common ‘camping with the masses’ with a variety of decadentpads including Pod Pads, Yurtels, Lux Pads, Pennard Tipis, Squrts, HotelBell Tents and even a Gypsy Caravan all available to check-in to.Festival Director Simon Moran comments: “‘V’ Style went down a stormlast year, so this year it’s back, giving music fans the chance to enjoy theultimate festival experience. Not all music fans like the idea of negotiatinghundreds of tents to find their bed for the night and with ‘V’ Style you don’thave to....although you do need to book fast!”Just so’s you’re aware, readers, the Suite Huts can accomodate 2 peoplefor £2,650 or 4 people for £4,000 with each person receiving a weekendcamping ticket and entrance to V-Fest, access to the hospitality bar in themain arena plus one ‘V’ Style car-park hanger per package.To keep up-to-date with all the news form V-Fest visit www.vfestival.com,‘like’ V Festival on Facebook (facebook.com/vfestival) or follow @vfestivalon Twitter.IPL OFFER!ONLY £99for 6 sessions(Underarms, Chin or Upper Lip)Why not treat yourselfof buy as a gift for friends or family?**Only one voucher per person cannot be used in conjunction with any other offer.Expires: 30/09/12Natural Esthetics, 154 Moulsham St., Chelmsford, CM2 0LD.Call Ayce for bookings on: 07538699432www.naturalesthetics.co.ukWe are based within Mirabella Beauty SalonSPOIL YOURSELFWITH A GIFT OFVISION & SOUNDReceive a complimentary BeoSound 8when you buy a BeoVision 10 television.The summer of 2012 is sure to be agripping season of sports.Bang & Olufsen understands what it meansto take performance to the max. We makepicture and sound performance, so thatevery sporting event you experience is aspectacular thrill.Visit our showroom to treat your eyes andears to BeoVision 10 and BeoSound 8.Bang & Olufsen of Chelmsford16-18 New London Road,Chelmsford, Essex, CM2 0SPTel: 01245 266117chelmsford@bang-olufsen.co.ukwww.bang-olufsen.com/chelmsfordFor a limited time, receive aBeoSound 8* when you buya BeoVision 10 televison.*Offer valued at £749. Excludes BeoVision 10-32. Available until 31st August 2012.iPod, iPhone and iPad are trademarks of Apple inc., registered in the U.S. and other countries.bang-olufsen.comshaun@theedgemag.co.uk Page 25

July, as we all know, was quite a hecticmonth, what with the Queens Jubilee andthe Olympic Torch procession, writes Andyof James Dace Music in Moulsham Street.There was a great vibe in our streets towitness the Olympic flame, thanks to all youlocal Chelmsfordians who turned out in style,which is more than I can say for the newacclaimed Chelmsford City Council who didsod all to promote the celebrations. “Typical,huh? Bloody bureaucrats. What did theyever do for us?” Anyway, moving along andspeaking of vibes, there is a new wave ofenergy when it comes to live music inChelmsford which is just what the doctorordered....A new flame has been lit courtesy of‘EVOKE’ Night Club, formally ChancellorHall, which many of you will know from the60’s through to the 80’s hosted some greatnames in rock history, such as The Clash,The Undertones, Thin Lizzy, The Buzzcocks,The Specials, Wilson Picket, Fleetwood Mac,LOCAL MUSIC REVIEW‘10CC, Ultravox, Madness, Adam and theAnts, Alison Moyet & Yazoo and BadManners to name but a few.With it’s new lease of life at Chancellor Hall,‘EVOKE’ are bringing back the good timeswhen it comes to live music and ThursdayJuly 19th got off to a great start with a positivespark. MISSING ANDY - famous fortheir runners-up accolade on SKY TV’s realitymusic competition ‘Must Be Music’ -topped the bill with a great display of songsfrom their new album ‘Generation Silenced’whilst also throwing in a ‘Madness’ classiccrowd pleaser ‘Baggy Trousers’ for their loyalsupporters. And we mustn’t forget the supportband Mad Mod’s are Englishmen whoare no stranger to the big stage themselves,having a pedigree of supporting top bandssuch as the Kings of Leon, Ocean ColourScene and The Specials. They too warmedup the crowd with a hot set of covers fromThe Who and the Rolling Stones to theBeatles and even a bit of Northern Soulthrown in for good measure. But both thesegreat bands created a bit of history by beingthe first bands to grace the stage since theclosure of Chancellor Hall many years agoand at the same time set a new benchmarkfor our very own live music scene which canonly be great news for many of you musiclovers and local bands out there.So what’s next?Well, the live music keeps on coming to‘EVOKE’ every second Thursday of themonth and the first official night will kickstarton Thursday August 30th featuring80’s Ska/Reggae Punk Band Bad Mannersfronted by the man himself ‘Buster BloodVessel’.Yes, finally, at long, long last, a great namedband is coming back to the centre ofChelmsford, courtesy of promoter yours truly,me! So let’s reminisce back to our youth andhave a bloody great night, because let’s behonest, I think we could all do with a blast,couldn’t we?And for all you Blues enthusiasts out there,‘Blues in the City’ will emerge on our scenefrom 27th September at various venuesincluding Acoustic Blues artists performing atthe Hooga Bar while the final stage of thefestival will be held at ‘EVOKE’ on Sunday30th September featuring the BluesCorporation, The Mustangs, Rosco Leveeand Earl Green & the Right Time promotedby Nick Garner.But it doesn’t stop there as more bands aresoon to be announced in the schedule mixand there may even be a few surprises onthe way, so keep your ears to the ground,keep tuned-in, keep on supporting LIVEMUSIC IN CHELMSFORD and let’s back tothe good times!IT’S ALL ABOUTTHE LEATHERWE CAN REPAIRTHE FOLLOWING:Cigarette BurnsCrackingStretchingScratchesFaded Colourwww.hideworks.co.ukOver 10 years experience in all aspects ofleatherwork, inc. bespoke (build) and repairs.Our expertise covers both public, private andcommercial areas. All leatherwork undertakencomes with a 5 year warranty. Automotiveinteriors a speciality. “It’s never damagedbeyond repair unless Hide Words says it is!”H HideWORKSW“Don’t get it close...GET IT PERFECT”07863 716 244 / 01277 841 587The Edge 01245 348256 Page 27

YOUR CARYOUR CHOICE!Make the right choice!It’s time to service your car. Where do you turn? You take it to the main dealer, right?Well it’s your car, so it’s your choice…You may think that when you purchase a new car you should only go back to the main dealer and that going toanother service centre will void your warranty but this is not the case.Your independent garage offers experienced and fully qualified technicians as well as diagnostics and other servicingequipment. They will also guarantee to fit parts that are of an approved quality standard.Choosing an independent garage over a main dealer will save you time and money and provide a fast, efficient,‘hassle free’ and friendly service.So shop smart, make the right choice. Choose your local independent garage.It’s your Right to ChooseAsk your local independent garage for more information or visit www.right2choose.org.ukFIFTY...NOT OUTby Steve WardGOOD TUNE, INNIT?By the time you get to read this,the Olympics will be in full swing.Those of you that work in Londonwill be cursing Seb Coe, DavidBeckham, Tony Blair and anyoneelse who had anything to do withscrewing up your daily journey insuch a spectacular fashion. And ofcourse, the whole purpose ofspending a gazzilion quid was tomake the trains from Chelmsfordto Liverpool Street even more of alottery than they are usually.OK, we're exaggerating a bit tomake a point, but it is definitelygoing to be a problem for anyonetrying to go about their daily businessin and around London for theweeks the games and their paraversion are in play.Yes, it's a prestigious thing to havebeen awarded, and the fact that itannoyed the French was anadded bonus, but by and large,the games are a bit of a risk to thecountry's image. The transportinfrastructure isn't capable of handlinga normal load, so the organisershave had to go to someextraordinary measures to paperover the cracks. We've been toldto work from home, which is notvery easy for bus drivers, is it? Orsandwich shop owners. Or shelfstackers. Then, should you decideyou are going to ignore the warningsand travel in to London anyway,there are special lanes laidout on all the major routes thatonly the cars of the Games' dignitariesare allowed to use. Fairenough for the athletes andumpires - it would be disastrousPR if Usain Bolt missed the 100meters final because the tubebroke down, which is a completelybelievable scenario in normaltimes.On the other hand, does theNigerian High Commissioner reallydeserve a special lane so that hecan be whisked from his West Endembassy to Stratford in speedyluxury to rub noses with the greatand good (and David Cameron) ata cocktail reception?OK, so that's all a bit killjoy andmaybe the games will be a spectacularsuccess and the world willsee London as a go-to destinationin the same way that Barcelonabecame a true world city after ithosted the Olympics in 1992.Maybe the joy felt by people lettingtheir pokey little one bedcouncil flat in Barking for severalthousand pounds will outweigh thegroans from those trying to getaround. Maybe everyone willignore the anti-aircraft rockets onthe top of the old Bryant & Maybuilding. Maybe, maybe.Incidentally, if it were deemed necessaryto actually use those antiaircraftrockets, where will theirtarget fall? Slap bang on somepoor bugger's house in eastLondon. Which makes it a robPeter to pay Paul type situation,doesn't it. We stop Jess Ennisfrom losing her medal, but half ofHackney disappears in a fireballinstead. It's not been thoughtthrough.Anyway, all that was by way of anintroduction to a few thoughtsabout something central to thevery essence of what constitutesBritishness. It's a subject thatcomes up from time to time withoutany resolution or potentialchange ever actually happening.It's something that will come toyour mind again during theOlympics when a Brit stands atopthe rostrum, tears streaming downhis or her face, as the Union flagis unfurled in the drizzle, and thedreadful dirge that is our NationalAnthem creeps out of the speakersapologetically.You will undoubtedly ask yourselfwhy, when we’re supposed to becelebrating a famous British victory,the tune we do it to has tosound so bloody miserable.When compared to the jaunty littleditty that is the Italian version, themilitary style French Marseillaise,or even the stirring US nationalanthem when it's actually sung bysomeone with decent lungs, oursis, well, we'll use the word again -a dirge. Fortunately, they only everuse one verse of it, because thereare actually five, and if they playedall that lot, the stadium would beempty, or asleep, before it ended.Still, at least one verse of oursdoesn't go on for six minutes likethe Uruguayan one.If we accept the current ode toHer Madgeness isn’t very good,what should we have instead?Billy Connolly always used toreckon the theme to The Archerswould do it - cheerful, hummableand about twenty seconds top-tobottom.Other people have suggestedMonty Python’s ‘AlwaysLook on the Bright Side of Life’,the Beatles ‘All You Need is Love’and even a two minute loop of‘Barmy Army’.But if we really want one thatreflects British society and attitudes,there’s but one song thathits the bulls-eye slap bang in themiddle. You have to be of a certainage to remember it, but in the1970s Sham 69 had a big hit withit. Yup, that one called ‘Hurry Up,Harry’, but which everyone knowsby it’s chorus, which goes…..We’re going down the pub.Page 28To comment on this article email: steveward2000@hotmail.com

SPONSORS of theWedding Show onSaturday 8th & Sunday 9th September 2012 at the Brentwood CentreChannels & Little ChannelsSituated on the Cliffords Estate just north of Chelmsford and on the outskirts of the picturesquevillage of little Waltham are two of the finest Wedding Venues in Essex.NEWS FLASH – What was Regiment Way is now to be known as Little Channelsas of 1st September 2012Visit both of our venues at our Wedding Open Dayon Sunday 16th September 10am-6pmSituated within the grounds of the Cliffords Estate, adjacent to Channels, is Channels Lodge.This gold award winning hotel provides 17 luxurious individually designed bedrooms all with en-suites and includestwo beautiful honeymoon suites.For Further details about our venues please callChannels 01245 440005 Little Channels 01245 362210 Channels Lodge 01245 441547The Edge 077 646 797 44 Page 29

Page 30TOTALLY TRACIEFIFTY SHADES...Is there a woman alive today on theplanet who has not read the FiftyShades of Grey trilogy? EveryFacebook quote and every Twittertweet I read seems to be to do withFSOG. Every woman wants aChristian Grey in their lives, completewith the ‘Popsicle’ safe words and Ihave to agree, me too, although Ihasten to add not just for the nonstopsex, but for the endless supplyof Christian Laboutin shoes.One poor lady was reportedly soengrossed in the book that she didnot notice her chip pan had caughtfire and was burning her house down!Women just can’t get enough of it. Itis the most downloaded book of alltime, apparently even bigger than theBible with over 40 million copies soldworldwide. It’s certainly touched araw nerve in us women. VirginAirlines have even included it in theirin-flight entertainment, as an audiobook! However, I doubt after 10 hoursholed up in Economy Class anyonewould feel the least bit in the moodfor sex. But Mr Grey and his privatejet, oh yes, I would definitely grit myteeth and succumb to a good thrashingfor the chance of giving upscreaming kids hurling themselves upand down the aisles.Bedrooms have suddenly becomered hot with us girls wanting morethan merely ‘vanilla’ sex. Our innergoddesses are just waiting to leap outwith some meringue - salsa moves.Anne Summers reports a completesell out of whips, blindfolds and handcuffswhilst B&Q have not got a cabletie left anywhere on their shelves.And those sneaky estate agents -never ones to miss a trick - havebeen hastily rewriting their salesparticulars to include ‘Room for aPlayroom’.Once women wanted a new kitchenand an extra bedroom for guests tostay over, but not anymore. Sod that!What women want after readingFSOG is an extra room suitable forinstalling a ‘Flogging Cross’ and acabinet full of whips. Good luckexplaining that one next time themother-in-law wants to stay over.The Internet Dating siteSugardaddy.com and meetamilionaire.comhave reportedly been inundatedwith women signing up in thehope of meeting their very own MrGrey. Suddenly geeky IT men havebecome very fashionable indeed.Women are now looking at men andsizing them up to see if they have aTracie123@aol.comBDSM streak capable of making ourinsides practically contort with potent,needy, liquid, desire...or is it justgoing to be ‘vanilla’ from here on in?Asked what women liked most in thebook, 79% said they loved the linefrom Mr Grey where he says, "I'm avery wealthy man, Miss Steele, and Ihave expensive and absorbing hobbies"whilst 90% said they loved theidea of a dominant man. Blimey,Emily Pankhurst must be spinning inher grave right now!But it would appear that men are notfeeling the same way about the book.A Mr. Hodgkinson became soenraged about his partner reading itthat he threw Brown Sauce all overher and received a charge forcommon assault. Maybe if he hadsmothered her in whipped cream,Baby Oil or hot wax instead, hewould have been in for the night ofhis life?But men have nothing to fear for theyare about to get their very own version.Yes, Peter Andre hasannounced that he is going to write abook for men.I managed to get a sneak preview ofhis first chapter and for the benefit ofall you chaps out there, here goes:“The Mysterious Girl sauntered intothe bathroom, holding a can ofOrange Spray Tan, which she thenproceeded to cover my entire nakedbody with.....”Laters Baby!EMBARRASSINGMOMENTSI had cause to visit the doctors theother day, but before popping in Ianticipated the long wait, so I nippedinto the local newsagent and boughtmyself a magazine to read and a bagof Maltesers to scoff whilst I was inthe waiting room. Anyway, when Iarrived at the surgery, I popped mymobile phone in the glove compartmentas I didn’t want to disturb anyonein there should it ring. Sittingdown I started to read the magazineand began what I always do - tearbits out that interest me to keep.I noticed the receptionist tutting at meand when my name was called out, Ipromptly put the magazine under myarm and noticed the receptionist positivelyglare at me.After seeing the doc I then went backout to make a fresh appointment withthe angry receptionist who was veryshort with me. As I was leaving, shesaid, “Have you quite finished withthat magazine?” I snapped back ather, “No, I haven’t!” and promptlystuffed it into my bag and left.Well, when I got back home and wentto retrieve my phone from the glovecompartment, I nearly died when Idiscovered the magazine I had originallybought also in there, along withthe bag of Maltesers. How absentmindedof me was that? So I hadinadvertently stolen from the DoctorsSurgery right under the very nose ofthe receptionist. I could have died ofembarrassment right there and then.So I went back the next day andapologised profusely, only I know sheis an Edge reader so I just wanted toapologise properly in print and thankher for her good humour once I’dexplained and handed over a fewreplacement magazines - but not myMaltesers!

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