The Healthy Management of Reality - Stanford University

limits that rely on one's presence ("If you touch that, I'll punish you") are lesslikely to be of long term use that those that rely on natural consequences ("If youtouch that, you will get burned"). Similarly, rules that rely on their positivecharacteristics will have a double positive effect than those that rely on negativecharacteristics. For example, "It would be really thoughtful of you to share yourcandy with your cousins," as opposed to so "Don't be greedy, share your candy."The former provides not only a rule about candy or sharing, but also ageneral description of a desirable trait (thoughtfulness) that will shape the child'sself image for a long time to come. The latter is a blunt command dependent onyour authority, and adds a negative trait (being greedy) that could lead to feelingsof guilt or reduced self-esteem in the future. Moreover, the nature of theinteractions and the feelings elicited in the child toward the parent are also quitedifferent. The first is a suggestion and implies kindly feelings toward both thechild and the cousins. The feelings elicited in the child toward the parent are likelyto be that the parent is giving advice to help the child be good, but that if the childdoes not comply, the parent will still be positively disposed toward him. The latterfeels coercive, and could be interpreted as pitting the child against the cousins.The feelings elicited toward the parent are that the parent is a disciplinarian. Toignore the parent's injunction, the child must disobey. If the child does disobey,the unintended lesson is learning to minimize the importance of the parent'sdispleasure. Such a lesson could cause a lot of grief in future years.HMOR.July2005.Muñoz.doc 55