The Healthy Management of Reality - Stanford University

cycle begins to weaken the relationship and to take away the positives that broughtthe two people together in the first place. What then begins to happen is that theirinteraction begins to get more and more negative. As each one receives negativityfrom the other one is less likely to respond with caring. The vicious cyclecontinues until pretty soon they have turned what was originally a positive socialbond into a bond that brings pain to them and which becomes a burden that theymust carry, rather than a source of support.Avoiding unnecessary sufferingAs in other parts of this book, it is useful to focus on those three things thathuman beings do: think, act and feel. In terms of thinking, the kinds of thoughtsthat add unnecessary suffering are usually thoughts that label oneself or others.These thoughts, such as “unattractive”, “bad”, “uncaring”, “inept”, and so on,are descriptors that often have a permanent, global quality to them. These kind ofnegative descriptors can mold one’s view of oneself or others in ways that takeaway value from that individual. Descriptors that are more objective are oftennecessary to understand what is occurring. Descriptors that are more judgmentalare usually not necessary to define someone. I have found it useful to emphasizeor note those aspects of others or myself that are positive, and to enjoy them, and totry to limit my use of descriptors that are negative in a global way as much as I amable to. This does not mean that I completely avoid having an opinion of others, orof things that people do. I do try to focus on those actions that I find unacceptableor unpleasant, as exactly that: actions that are unacceptable or are unpleasant to me,rather than labeling the person who did those actions as himself or herselfunacceptable or unpleasant.The second place upon which to focus attention is one’s actions. Many ofHMOR.July2005.Muñoz.doc 41