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Lovedoesn’t haveto hurt teensThe American Psychological Association developed this document with consultation from the Partners in ProgramPlanning in Adolescent Health (PIPPAH), whose members include: American Bar Association’s Center on Children andthe Law, and Commission on Domestic Violence, American Dietetic Association, American Medical Association, andNational Association of Social Workers.PIPPAH is supported by the Office of Adolescent Health of the Maternal and Child Health Bureau, Health Resourcesand Services Administration, U.S. Department of Health and Human Services. The views expressed herein have notbeen approved by the governing or policy setting bodies of any of the PIPPAH organizations, and accordingly, shouldnot be construed as representing the policy of any of these organizations.The printing and distribution of this publication is supported in part by Cooperative Agreement No. 5 MCU-11A302-02 from the Maternal and Child Health Bureau.

Sound familiar?Kevin is walking in the school hallway with hisfriends and sees his girlfriend at her locker withher friends. When he goes up to her, she giveshim a cold look and says loudly, “I don’t know whyI even bother with you, loser! I guess I just keepyou around because I feel sorry for you.” Kevinfeels frustrated because he doesn’t know what hedid and embarrassed because his friends saw hisgirlfriend putting him down.That kind of humiliation hurts, and it is abig deal.Jennie and Tyrone lunch in the cafeteria with herfriends. They start teasing each other, but thenthe playing turns to insults. Tyrone sees that Jennieis upset but doesn’t stop. When Jennie gets upand says, “Get away from me, I hate you,” Tyronesays, “Shut up” and slaps her across the face.That slap is violence, and it is a big deal.Christine and Allison are in an intense argument.Christine gets madder and madder, until she finallygrabs Allison, shakes her, and shoves her againstthe wall. Later, Christine apologizes, saying, “I’mnot proud I lost my temper, but you really pushedmy buttons. You should know better than to getup in my face like that, because you know I gettoo angry to control myself.”That kind of behavior — the shoving and thenblaming someone else for the behavior—isviolence, and it is a big deal.0Tony and Emily have been dating for a fewweeks, and he is beginning to act like he ownsher. He complains when she spends time with herbest friend—or anyone except him. He expectsher to meet him in the halls between classes, eatlunch with him, let him go home with her afterschool, and be with him every weekend. Afraidshe’ll lose him, Emily begins to cut herself offfrom her friends.That kind of possessiveness isn’t love—it isabuse, and it is a big deal.Alfredo and Maria, who have been going outfor a few weeks, are making out. Maria has beenclear that she doesn’t want to go any further thankissing, but Alfredo becomes aggressive, disregardingher request to slow down and back off. Heforces her to have sex, later telling her she was atease and asking for it.That kind of sex is rape, and it is a big deal.love doesn’t have to hurt teens

Love shouldn’t hurtlike this!It’s wonderful to be in love. It’s exciting, romantic,and fun, and you feel like nothing can gowrong. Sure, like the love songs say, love hurtssometimes. You worry, you wonder if the personyou love really loves you, or if he or she is cheatingon you. But knowing that love hurts doesn’tmean you should expect to get hurt — to be putdown, slapped, embarrassed in front of yourfriends, pushed, yelled at, forced to have sex ifyou don’t want it, controlled by, or afraid of theperson you’re going out with.Getting hurt like that isn’t love. It’s dangerous.It’s violence. It can happen to anybody, even ifyou’re smart or popular or strong or sophisticated.And it doesn’t matter who you’re seeing. Ithappens to girls and to boys. It happens in samesexrelationships.At first, if it happens to you or to a friend, you mightnot get what’s going on. You’re thinking, “I canhandle this. I can make it stop”; or “There’s no blackeye. I’m not getting pushed down a stairway.” “Ishouldn’t take put-downs so seriously.” Maybe you’rethinking, “He only gets jealous because he loves me.”“She only slapped me to show attitude.” “She won’tlove me if I don’t do everything she wants when shewants it.” “To show my love, I should want to spendevery spare moment with him.”Or maybe you do get it. You know things aren’tright, but you feel alone. You’re ashamed to tellyour friends. You’re afraid the explosions andjealousy will get worse if you tell anyone. You’reafraid to tell your parents because they mightmake you break up. Maybe you’re also afraid oflosing your boyfriend or girlfriend. Maybe youthink it’s worth it to put up with anything just tohave someone special in your life.Every relationship has problems and upsets.That’s just part of life. But if you seepatterns of uncontrolled anger, jealousy,or possessiveness, or if there is shoving,slapping, forced sex, or other physical violence—evenonce—it’s time to find help.Think about this: Imagine that your best friendis dating someone who thinks and acts that way.Would it seem okay? Would you want them tostop hurting each other? Would you treat yourbest friend this way?You have the right to be treated with respect andto not be harmed physically or emotionally byanother person. Violence and abuse are not acceptablein any relationship. Love shouldn’t hurtlike this.love doesn’t have to hurt teens

What’s the first step in turningthe situation around?Take it seriously.Listen to yourself.If you feel that someone is abusing you, trust those feelings.Take it seriously.What’s the second step?Take care of yourself.You’re too valuable to settle for love that hurts.Don’t stay silent—find support and help.love doesn’t have to hurt teens

Believe it–it’s happeningNearly one in 10 high school students will experience physicalviolence from someone they’re dating. Even more teens will experienceverbal or emotional abuse during the relationship.Between 10 and 25% of girls betweenthe ages of 15 and 24 will be the victimsof rape or attempted rape. In more thanhalf of those cases, the attacker is someonethe girl goes out with.Girls are not the only ones who areabused physically or emotionally in relationships.Boys also experience abuse,especially psychological abuse. Boysrarely are hurt physically in relationships,but when it happens, it’s oftensevere. Boys also can be pressured orforced into unwanted sex, by girls or byother boys.Violence happens in same-sex relationships,too. When it does, gay and lesbianteenagers often don’t know where toturn for help. If they are not comfortabletelling people they’re gay, that makestheir situation even harder. In somecases their partner may threaten toout them even though he/she knows itcould be dangerous!Often a relationship doesn’t start outviolent, but the violence starts after thetwo people have known each other fora while. The one big exception is forcedsex (sometimes called date rape or acquaintancerape). Forced sex can sometimeshappen the first or second timetwo people go out, especially when oneperson has very little dating experienceand is afraid to say “no.”If you think something is wrong, it probably is. You may feel anxious,have trouble sleeping or experience a change in appetiteor weight. Your body may be telling you that something is notright —pay attention to these signs.love doesn’t have to hurt teens

If There’s No Respect, It Isn’t LoveType of violence What it means How it works Early warning signsVerbal Abuse Behavior that causes harm with words Name calling, Insults, Public humiliation, Yelling Teasing that includes insultsPsychological andEmotional AbuseBehavior intending to cause psychological oremotional distressThreats; Intimidation; Put downs; Telling a person’ssecrets; Jealousy; Possessiveness; Isolatinga person from friends, family; Destroyinggifts, clothing, letters; Damaging a car, home,or other prized possessionsPouting when you spend time with yourfriends, Threatening to leave you in an unsafelocation, Trying to control what you doPhysical Abuse Behaviors that inflict harm on a person Slapping, Hitting, Shoving, Grabbing, Hair pulling,Biting, Throwing objects at a personGoing into a rage when disappointed or frustrated;Teasing, tripping, or pushing; Threateningto injureSexual Violence: FromCoercion to Date RapeSexual advances that make a person feel uncomfortable;sexual behavior that is unwantedInsisting, physically or verbally, that a personwho said “no” have sex anyway; Forced sexUsing emotional blackmail to talk you intohaving sex (“If you loved me, you would”)Abuse of Male Privilege:“It’s a GuyThing”Behavior that assumes that boys have morepower than girls and that boys have specialprivileges in relationships with girlsThe guy makes all decisions for the couple,The guy expects his girlfriend to wait on andpamper him, The guy treats his girlfriend as ifshe is property he ownsExpecting you to be available to him at alltimes or he is available to you when he feelslike it; Acting macho with friends: “This ismy woman!”love doesn’t have to hurt teens

Why does it happen?Violence is so common that sometimes it seems like the normal thing. Butit’s not. It’s something we learn—and something we can change.To understand why relationship violence happens, start by thinking aboutsome of the situations you deal with every day.love doesn’t have to hurt teens

Learning the rules of loveWhen you first begin to date someone seriously, you have newand unfamiliar experiences. You start to discover society’s rulesfor dating and relationship behavior. In addition, you are tryingto figure out how to impress someone who is really special toyou and how to be yourself in a relationship. You see all kindsof images of what relationships are supposed to be like—buthow do you know which ones are the right ones to follow? It’shard to ignore other people’s examples of relationships—forexample, if your parents don’t show respect for each other itwould be hard for you to know how to respect your boyfriend/girlfriend. But you can decide for yourself what sort of relationshipsyou want to have with your friends and your boyfriendsor girlfriends. You can learn to have a healthy relationship andbe loved and treated well by someone you care about. Violenceis not the way to do it. Respect is.love doesn’t have to hurt teens

Stereotypes that hurtIn every culture, people have certain ideas about what it means tobe a man or a woman. These ideas are called stereotypes. Whenyou first start dating someone seriously, stereotypes can get youreally confused about how you or the person you’re going withought to behave.Boys often have the idea that it’s a “guything” to act tough and treat girls likeproperty, like they own them. Guys oftentry to get their friends’ approval by actinglike they don’t care about anythingor anyone. Even a guy who likes a particulargirl might show off for his friendsby treating her badly or acting like she’sbeen put on earth just to have sex withhim.Girls often accept the idea that it’s a“guy thing” to push girls around, andso they should learn to go along with it.Girls also may believe it’s a “girl thing”to try to figure out and do whatever willkeep their boyfriends happy. So, theymay feel that they have to do only whatthe guy wants, or they may put up withthe guy ignoring them, treating thembadly around others, being really possessive,or being violent or abusive.Both girls and boys often have the idea that boyscan’t control themselves when it comes to sex. Theymay believe that if a man forces a woman to have sexagainst her will, she was probably leading him on insome way.Remember: There’s no “guy thing” or “girl thing” whenit comes to violence and abuse in relationships. There’sjust the “right thing” and the “wrong thing.”Violence and abuse are always the wrong thing.love doesn’t have to hurt teens

The violence around usViolence is all around us—on television, in movies, in musicvideos, in video games, and even in our schools, neighborhoods,and homes. People get into fights on the street, onbuses, and in malls and use every kind of threat just to gettheir way. Drivers shout at and even shoot at each other. Televisionand movies show buildings and people being blown tobits. Bench-emptying brawls break out regularly on hockey,baseball, and football fields. Schools around the country usemetal detectors and security guards to protect students fromoutsiders and from each other. And even at home, parentsresort to violence to express their feelings to each other—andsometimes to their children.love doesn’t have to hurt teens

Personal pressuresSome social and personal situations arehard for anyone to handle, but they areespecially hard when they affect teenagers.These personal pressures can contribute toabusive or violent behavior in relationshipsand to accepting that kind of behaviorfrom a boyfriend or girlfriend.Violence at home. When children see a parentbeing abused, they often grow up thinking thatname-calling, screaming, or hitting is normal betweenpeople in love. Children in violent homesoften get the idea that it is acceptable to threaten,intimidate, bully, or hit another person to gettheir own way.Being lesbian, gay, or bisexual. Teenagers whoare lesbian, gay, or bisexual face special pressures.When under a lot of stress from the outside world,some gay or lesbian teens may respond by gettingangry at the person they’re going out with. Even ifvictims decide they want help to stop the violence,they may not be able to get their friends, theirteachers, or other adults to listen and understandwhat they’re going through. If they haven’t toldanyone else about their sexual orientation, findinghelp also means taking the risk of coming out.Cultural beliefs. Teenagers’ cultural and ethnicbackgrounds affect their relationships. Someteenagers come from cultures in which peopledon’t date someone unless they’re going to marrythat person, so they may not let their familiesknow they are in a relationship. In some cultures,loyalty is such an important value that a teen inan abusive relationship may decide not to ask forhelp. Also, teenage girls who believe they can’tdo much with their lives because of their family’sor culture’s rules, or because of discrimination orpoverty, may place their hopes for the future onfinding someone to love and take care of them.Abuse may seem like a small price to pay to escapea life without hope.Having a disability. People who have disabilitiesoften face a higher risk of violence of all kinds,especially if they are less able to defend themselvesor to report abuse. Any behavior that intentionallyharasses, teases, or takes advantage of aperson with a disability is abusive. That includessuch acts as keeping something out of reach ofa person who uses a wheelchair, making it hardfor someone who uses hearing aids to hear you,or deliberately trying to confuse someone with alearning disability.love doesn’t have to hurt teens

Getting pregnant. Pregnancy is a vulnerable timethat often leaves a teenage mother-to-be feelingalone, dependent, helpless, and condemned byparents, teachers, and friends. If her boyfriend isabusing her, she may not tell anyone because shefears losing him, doesn’t want to face more disapprovalfrom her family, or fears her baby will betaken away from her.Getting sexually involved with an adult. Youngteenagers sometimes find themselves involved insexual relationships with persons much older thanthey are. Although you may have romantic feelingsfor someone 5 or 10 years older, even if bothof you consent to having sex, you should knowthat the older partner is committing a crimecalled statutory rape. Also, some adults beat orotherwise seek control over teens that they’re involvedwith. A sexual relationship where an adultdominates and controls a young teen should neverbe confused with love.Drinking alcohol or taking drugs. Drinking alcoholor taking drugs does not cause violence,but it can have unpredictable effects: It can lowerinhibitions or change perceptions of what is reallygoing on. Even one drink is enough for someteens to say or do things they regret. Alcohol anddrugs also cause people to misread situations — tosee a come-on when there isn’t one or to see onlyfriendliness in a situation that could lead to rapeor other violence. Drugs and alcohol often areused as excuses for abuse: “I didn’t mean to hurtyou. I was out of control.” Being drunk or high isnever an excuse for hurting someone.love doesn’t have to hurt teens

Ready for a changeWhen you’re ready to change the situationHurting someone is never a sign of love. When a relationship is violent,the people involved need to either make the relationship work without violenceor get out of it. You don’t have to settle for an abusive relationship,and you don’t have to continue to behave in abusive ways. Both of youdeserve better.People often need help to get out of abusive relationships. There are lots ofreasons why breaking free can be hard. From a very early age, we get the ideathat having a romantic relationship is the most important thing in the worldand is worth any sacrifice.Dating someone can be a status symbol, a way to feel more secure, or a wayto break into a new circle of friends.Some people just don’t like to be alone. They may feel that any relationshipis better than no relationship.Don’t think the violence and abuse will just stopViolent behavior won’t disappear on its own. One or both of you may havewrong ideas about relationships, expressing anger, what to expect from eachother, what you deserve from someone you love. Usually, both of you needsupport and help to make a change. Being hurt by someone that you careabout can make you feel weak, worthless, helpless, and alone. Turning todrugs or alcohol is not a good way to handle the situation—it will not makethe abuse disappear or feel more bearable.Start by talking to someone. A counselor, a coach, a teacher, a parent, a doctor,a minister or rabbi, or a close friend can help you get an objective opinionof the situation. They may also have some good ideas to help you stopthe hurting and start talking to each other about what you really want andneed in a relationship.Then take some action!Many teenagers don’t want to ask their parents for help. A girl whose boyfriendhas slapped her might be afraid her parents won’t let her go out withhim or with anyone if they find out. A boy’s parents might not approve of hisgirlfriend’s influence and take away his car keys. The parents of a lesbian, gay,or bisexual teen might see one violent relationship as proof that all same-sexrelationships are unhealthy.love doesn’t have to hurt teens

If you are the one getting hurtIf a person who claims to love you alsothreatens, intimidates, or injures you, thatperson has some wrong ideas about loveand isn’t worth your time. If you can’t lovesomeone without also feeling afraid of himor her, you’re better off getting out of thatrelationship.Assault is a crime.If you are afraid thatsomeone you’re goingout with may hurt youbadly or if he or shealready has, don’t hesitateto call the police.In many states, teenswho have been threatenedor harmed can getthe same restrainingorders and other protectionsas adults.The most importantthing you can do istake care of yourself.As serious as the situationmay seem, thereare always alternativesto having a relationshipwith someone whohurts you. Demand tobe treated with respect.You’re worth it!Make sure you’re safe.Even if you haven’tdecided yet whether toleave the relationship,you can decide to besafe. Take some time tothink about ways youcan take yourself out ofa dangerous situationthe next time it occurs.For example, you canscreen your phone calls,see your boyfriendor girlfriend only in apublic place with otherpeople around, or finda friend to stay with ifyou need to. Thinkingthrough a plan of actioncan help you feelmore in control of asituation so you cantake the next step.Get support.One of the most commonforms of relationshipviolence isisolation—keeping youfrom spending timewith your friends. Ifsomeone you’re goingout with controls yourfree time, you start tofeel like you have nowhereelse to turn. Youaren’t as likely to hearthe support of friendswho want you to leavethe relationship. Thisis the time you needthat support most. Talkto a friend, a teacher, acounselor, anyone whowill support you as youstand up for yourself.Knowing that you don’thave to rely on yourselfcan give you the courageyou need to breakfree. If the first personyou talk to doesn’t giveyou the support youneed, try someone else.Don’t give up!Demand respect.Point out the waysyou’ve been hurt physically,sexually, and emotionallyto the personyou’re going out with.Say that it’s a big dealto you and that youwant it to stop. Now.This can be a hard stepfor many reasons. Theperson may deny theabuse, get furious andthreaten to hurt you,your family, or himselfor herself if you tryto leave the relationshipor tell anyone elseabout the problem. Orthe person may get reallysweet and remorseful,crying and promisingnever to hurt youagain, only to return tothe same old patternslater. Encourage theperson you’re dating tofind help dealing withanger. Face fact though:Most people won’tmake that change, evenif they really love you.You can’t change them.And as much as youmight want to help theperson you care aboutget over their abusivebehavior, you have tothink of yourself first.Find help.Just because this is yourrelationship doesn’tmean you should tryto solve the problemon your own. A boyfriendor girlfriend whois hurting you alreadydoesn’t respect you inthe way you deserve.Talk to an adult—ateacher, counselor,coach, or friend—whowill stick with you. Askingfor help isn’t a signof weakness. It’s aboutgetting the support youdeserve and makingsure your boyfriend orgirlfriend gets the message:Abuse is serious,and you deserve better.love doesn’t have to hurt teens

If you are the one doing the hurtingFor your own sake and for the sake of the person you love, gethelp! The problem of hurting people when you’re angry or frustratedor jealous is not going away on its own. Even if you honestlythink you’re sometimes justified in your actions, you need totalk over this behavior with someone who can give you some newideas about how to handle your feelings.Drinking alcohol orusing drugs doesnot make you hurtsomeone. It can haveunpredictable effects,though, and can changethe way you view situations.You can neveruse drugs and alcoholas an excuse forabusive behavior. Youshould make it a reasonto get help forsubstance abuse.Nobody is ever justifiedin hurting someoneelse to get theirway. You’re not goingto get what you’relooking for—love, respect,kindness, affection,a happy time withsomeone who loves andtrusts you unless youlearn how to deal withyour frustrations in away that is not hurtfulto others.You’re not a bad person—justsomeonewho needs help tostop a bad behavior.You can learn newways to deal with youranger, to fight fair, tocommunicate, and togive and get love inrelationships. Don’tlet shame or fear stopyou—talk to a parent,teacher, religious leader,doctor, nurse, psychologist,or guidancecounselor today.love doesn’t have to hurt teens

How can I help my friend?Seeing a friend in a violent relationship is painful. You mightwant to help but not know what to say or do. You might beafraid of getting involved in someone else’s problem. Or maybeyou haven’t seen the violence or abuse, and the person yourfriend is dating seems so nice that you wonder how much of thestory to believe.If you’re worried, say something. If you’re concernedabout your friend’s safety, mention it. Peoplewho are being hurt in a relationship often feelthey can’t talk to anyone. They may be ashamed.They may think the abuse is their fault. They maythink they deserve it. Let your friend know thatyou’re there, you’re willing to listen, and you’renot going to judge. If your friend isn’t ready toadmit there is a problem, don’t give up. By beingsupportive and letting your friend know someoneis willing to listen, you’re making it easier to startdealing with the problem.Listen, support, believe. If a friend asks for yourhelp, take it seriously. Believe what your friendtells you, not the gossip you might hear in thehallway. Your friend is trusting you with very personaland painful information—be a true friendand don’t spread gossip. Give support by makingit clear your friend doesn’t deserve to be abused inany way. Recognize that, as abusive as the personyour friend is dating might be, your friend mightfind it difficult to leave the relationship, particularlyif your friend believes it will make the violenceworse.Call in reinforcements. Your friend might tell youabout a violent relationship only if you promiseto keep it a secret. Violence and abuse are notproblems to be kept secret. Whether your friendis ready to get help or not, find an adult you cantalk to. Take your friend along if you can. Youcan tell the adult that you don’t want to break apromise to keep a secret, but don’t carry this burdenall by yourself.love doesn’t have to hurt teens

ResourcesStopping violence in teen relationships is everyone’s responsibility. Boyfriends, girlfriends,friends, parents, adults—all have a responsibility to speak out against behaviorthat is harmful and to prevent it from occurring.Here are some people and organizations that can help. You can usually find phone numbersin your local phone book or ask a counselor at school to help you get connected.People and organizations Telephone numbers Websites• State domestic violence coalitions• Local rape crisis centers• Gay and lesbian resources/centers for teens• 4H programs in rural areas• Students Against Destructive Decisions(SADD)• Teachers, school counselors, school nurses• Doctors and other health professionals• Psychologists and other mental healthprofessionals• Shelters for battered women• National Domestic Violence Hotline, 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or TTY 1−800−787−3224• National Organization for Victim Assistance,1-800-TRY- NOVA• National Resource Center on DomesticViolence, 1-800-799-7233 or TTY 1-800-787-3224• RAINN: Rape, Abuse, and Incest NationalNetwork, 1-800-656-HOPE• The National Teen Dating Abuse Hotline,1-866-331-9474 (available 24/7)• Domestic Violence Hotline, 1−800−799−SAFE(7233) or TTY 1−800−787−3224• GLBT National Youth Talkline, 1−800−246−PRIDE• Project PAVE (Promoting Alternatives to ViolenceThrough Education)http://projectpave.org/just-teens• Boss of me: Making a transformation throughempowered relationshipshttp://www.bom411.com/• Love is respectwww.loveisrespect.org• Love is not abusewww.loveisnotabuse.com• Teenpcar: It stops with us!http://www.teenpcar.com/• Know more: Stop abuse. Get help now. Learn how.http://www.knowmoresaymore.org/love doesn’t have to hurt teens