February 2012 • - Nightwire Magazine

Humor by Nightwire_________________________________________P: Number 3 engine missing.M: Engine found on right wing after brief search._________________________________________P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!)M: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious._________________________________________P: Target radar hums.M: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics._________________________________________P: Mouse in cockpit.M: Cat installed._________________________________________And the best one for last...P. Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like amidget pounding on something with a hammer.M: Took hammer away from midgetIndian Mating SeasonTwo Indians and a Tennessee Hillbilly were walking through thewoods. All of a sudden one of the Indians ran up a hill to themouth of a small cave. “Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!” he calledinto the cave and listened closely until he heard an answer,“Wooooo! Wooooo! Woooooo! He then tore off his clothesand ran into the cave. The Hillbilly was puzzled and asked theremaining Indian what it was all about. “Was the other Indiancrazy or what?” The Indian replied “No, It is our custom duringmating season when Indian men see cave, they holler ‘Wooooo!Wooooo! Wooooo!’ into the opening. If they get an answerback, it means there’s a beautiful squaw in there waiting for us.”Just then they came upon another cave. The second Indianran up to the cave, stopped, and hollered, “Wooooo! Wooooo!Wooooo!” Immediately, there was the answer. “Wooooo!Wooooo! Wooooo!” from deep inside. He also tore off his clothesand ran into the opening. The Hillbilly wandered around in thewoods alone for a while, until he spied a third large cave. As helooked in amazement at the size of the huge opening, he wasthinking, “Hoo, man! Look at the size of this cave! It is biggerthan those the Indians found. There must be many many, finewomen in this cave!” He stood in front of the opening andhollered withall his might “Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!” Like theothers, he then heard a huge answering call, “WOOOOOOOOO,WOOOOOOOOO, WOOOOOOOOO!” With a gleam in his eyeand a smile on his face, he raced into the cave, tearing off hisclothes as he ran. The following day, the headline of the localnewspaper read.... NAKED HILLBILLY RUN OVER BY TRAIN!!!Things To Remember When You Get Old:Games For When We Are Older1. Sag, you’re It.2. Hide and go pee.3. 20 questions shouted into your good ear.4. Kick the bucket5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says Bend Over.6. Musical recliners.7. Simon says something incoherent.8. Pin the Toupee on the bald guy.Signs Of Menopause1. You sell your home heating system at a yard sale.2. You have to write post-it notes with your kids’ names onthem.3. You change your underwear after a sneeze.Old Is When1. Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.2. You don’t care where your spouse goes, just as long as youdon’t have to go along.3. Getting a little action means I don’t need fiber today.4. Getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot.5. An all-nighter means not getting up to pee!Thoughts For The Weekend1. I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wearloose-fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose-fitting clothing, Iwouldn’t have signed up in the first place!2. When I was young we used to go “skinny dipping,” now Ijust “chunky dunk.”3. Wouldn’t it be nice if whenever we messed up our life wecould simply press ‘Ctrl Alt Delete’ and start all over?4. Stress is when you wake up screaming and then yourealize you haven’t fallen asleep yet.5. My husband says I never listen to him. At least I thinkthat’s what he said.6. Just remember...if the world didn’t suck, we’d all fall off.7. If raising children was going to be easy, it never wouldhave started with something called labor!8. Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells liveforever.38 • February 2012