February 2012 • - Nightwire Magazine

Humor by NightwireWhat did the blonde say when she found out she waspregnant?“Are you sure it’s mine?”_________________________________________Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?Mace will do that to you._________________________________________Why did OJ Simpson want to move to West Virginia ?Everyone has the same DNA._________________________________________Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?Breasts don’t have eyes._________________________________________Why do drivers’ education classes in Redneck schools use thecar only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it._________________________________________Where does an Irish family go on vacation?A different bar._________________________________________What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter thanthe other?A speech impediment._________________________________________What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying athalf-mast?They’re hiring._________________________________________What’s the difference between a southern zoo and a northernzoo?A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front ofthe cage along with... “a recipe”._________________________________________How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the Fword?Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!_________________________________________What’s the difference between a northern fairytale and asouthern fairytale?A northern fairytale begins “Once upon a time...” ! -A southernfairytale begins “Y’all ain’t gonna believe this sh * it...”._________________________________________Why is there no Disneyland in China?No one’s tall enough to go on the good ridesThings You Should Never Sayto a Police Officer:1. I can’t reach my license unless you hold my beer. (OK inTexas)2. Sorry, Officer, I didn’t realize my radar detector wasn’tplugged in.3. Aren’t you the guy from the Village People?4. Hey, you must’ve been doin’ about 125 mph to keep upwith me. Good job!5. Are You Andy or Barney?6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physicalcondition to be a police officer.7. You’re not gonna check the trunk, are you?8. I pay your salary!9. Gee, Officer! That’s terrific. The last officer only gave me awarning, too!10. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so oneof us does.11. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there areno other cars around.. That’s how far ahead of me theyare.12. When the Officer says “Gee ....Your eyes look red, haveyou been drinking?” You probably shouldn’t respondwith,”Gee Officer your eyes look glazed, have you beeneating doughnuts?”A Little Union Humor:A fellow stopped at for gas and, after filling up, he paid the billand bought soft drink. He stood by his car to drink his cola andhe watched a couple of men working along the roadside. . .Oneman would dig a hole two or three feet deep and then moveon. The other man came along behind and filled in the hole.While one was digging a new hole, the other was about 25 feetbehind filling in the old. Completely mystified, the fellow walksup to workers and say, “OK.. hold it,” he said to the men. “Can34• February 2012