February 2012 • - Nightwire Magazine

Humor by Nightwire_____________________________________________________After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the Flight Attendantcame on with, “Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in yourseats until Captain Crash and the Crew have brought theaircraft to a screeching halt up against the gate. And, oncethe tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced,we’ll open the door and you can pick your way through thewreckage to the terminal._____________________________________________________Part of a Flight Attendant’s arrival announcement: “We’d liketo thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next timeyou get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in apressurized metal tube, we hope you’ll think of us here at USAirways.”Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landingin Salt Lake City: The flight attendant came on the intercomand said, “That was quite a bump and I know what ya’ll arethinking. I’m here to tell you it wasn’t the airline’s fault, it wasn’tthe pilot’s fault, it wasn’t the flight attendants’ fault.....it wasthe asphalt!” Another Flight Attendant’s comment on a lessthan perfect landing: “We ask you to please remain seated asCaptain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal.”Flying ParrotOn reaching his plane seat a man is surprised to see a parrotstrapped in next to him. He asks the Flight Attendant for acoffee where upon the parrot squawks “And get me a whiskyHello Bully’s Fourth AnnualLovers Not Fighters GalaBenefits Pit Bull Rescue, Speuter and EducationSaturday, February 18, 2012 7:00pm until 11:00pm Soldiers andSailors Memorial Hall4141 Fifth Avenue Pittsburgh, PA 15213Tickets and Info at www.hellobully.orgyou cow!” The flustered Flight Attendant, brings back a whiskyfor the parrot and forgets the coffee. When this omissionis pointed out to her the parrot drains its glass and bawls“And get me another whisky you idiot”. Quite upset, the girlcomes back shaking with another whisky but still no coffee.Unaccustomed to such slackness the man tries the parrot’sapproach “I’ve asked you twice for a coffee, go and get itnow or I’ll kick you”. The next moment, both he and the parrothave been wrenched up and thrown out of the emergencyexit by two burly Flight Attendants. Plunging downwards theparrot turns to him and says “For someone who can’t fly, youcomplain too much!”Gate ChangeAt the airport for a business trip, I settled down to wait for theboarding announcement at Gate 35. Then I heard the voiceon the public address system saying, “We apologize for theinconvenience, but Delta Flight 570 will board from Gate 41.”So my family picked up our luggage and carried it over to Gate41. Not ten minutes later the public address voice told us thatFlight 570 would in fact be boarding from Gate 35. So, again,we gathered our carry-on luggage and returned to the originalgate. Just as we were settling down, the public address voicespoke again: “Thank you for participating in Delta’s physicalfitness program.Rules Of The Airways• Takeoff’s are optional. Landings are mandatory.• Flying is not dangerous; crashing is dangerous.• Speed is life, altitude is life insurance. No one has evercollided with the sky.• The only time you have too much fuel is when you’re onfire.• Flying is the second greatest thrill known to man. Landingis the first!• Everyone knows a ‘good’ landing is one from which youcan walk away. But a ‘great landing is one after which youcan use the airplane again.• The probability of survival is equal to the angle of arrival.• Was that a landing or were we shot down?• Learn from the mistakes of others. You won’t live longenough to make all of them yourself.• Trust your captain.... but keep your seat belt securelyfastened.• Be nice to your first officer, he may be your captain at yournext airline.• Any attempt to stretch fuel is guaranteed to increaseheadwind.• A pilot is a confused soul who talks about women whenhe’s flying, and about flying when he’s with a woman.• Try to keep the number of your landings equal to thenumber of your takeoffs.• There are old pilots, and there are bold pilots, but there areno old, bold, pilots!• Gravity never loses! The best you can hope for is a draw!• Gravity SUCKS!!Software EngineeringAt a recent software engineering management course inthe US, the participants were given an awkward question toanswer. “If you had just boarded an airliner and discoveredthat your team of programmers had been responsible for theflight control software how many of you would disembark24• February 2012