February 2012 • - Nightwire Magazine

Humor by NightwireWHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?:Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexyblonde super model who thinks I’m the greatest thing sincesliced bread. Actually, I’d like to be doing that now.DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE ANDCOMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Yes.Absolutely.SIGN HERE: Aries.Ways To Have Fun in the Workplace• Page yourself over the intercom. Don’t disguise your voice.• Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the sameoutfits. Wear them one day after you boss does. This isespecially effective if your boss is of a different genderthan you.• Make up nicknames for all your coworkers and refer tothem only by these names. “That’s a good point, Sparky.”“No, I’m sorry, but I’m going to have to disagree with youthere, Cha-Cha.”• Send e-mail to the rest of the company telling them exactlywhat you’re doing. For example: “If anyone needs me, I’llbe in the bathroom.”• Hi-Lite your shoes. Tell people you haven’t lost them asmuch since you did this.• While sitting at your desk, soak your fingers in Palmoliveliquid. Call everyone Marge.• Hang mosquito netting around your cubicle. When youemerge to get coffee or a printout or whatever, slapyourself randomly the whole way.• Put a chair facing a printer. Sit there all day and tell peopleyou’re waiting for your document.• Every time someone asks you to do something, anything,ask them if they want fries with that.• Send e-mail back and forth to yourself engaging yourselfin an intellectual debate. Forward the mail to a co-workerand ask her to settle the disagreement.• Encourage your colleagues to join you in a littlesynchronized chair-dancing.• Put your trash can on your desk. Label it “IN.”• Feign an unnatural and hysterical fear of staplers.• Send e-mail messages saying there’s free pizza or donutsor cake in the lunchroom. When people drift back to workcomplaining that they found none, lean back, pat yourstomach and say, “oh you’ve got to be faster than that.• Put decaf in the coffeemaker for three weeks. Onceeveryone has withdrawn from caffeine addiction, switch toespresso.Memo From Accounting DepartmentIt has come to our attention recently that many of you havebeen turning in timesheets that specify large amounts of“Miscellaneous Unproductive Time” (Code 5309). However,we need to know exactly what you are doing during yourunproductive time. Attached below is a sheet specifying atentative extended job code list based on our observationsof employee activities.The list will allow you to specifywith a fair amount of precision what you are doing duringyour unproductive time. Please begin using this job-codelist immediately and let us know about any difficulties youencounter.Thank you,AccountingAttached: Extended Job-Code ListCode Description5316 Useless Meeting5317 Obstructing Communications at Meeting5318 Trying to Sound Knowledgeable While in Meeting5319 Waiting for Break5320 Waiting for Lunch5321 Waiting for End of Day5322 Vicious Verbal Attacks Directed at Coworker5323 Vicious Verbal Attacks Directed at Coworker WhileCoworker is Not Present5393 Covering for Incompetence of Coworker Friend5400 Trying to Explain Concept to Coworker Who is NotInterested in Learning5401 Trying to Explain Concept to Coworker Who is Stupid5402 Trying to Explain Concept to Coworker Who Hates You5481 Buying Snack5482 Eating Snack5500 Filling Out Timesheet5501 Inventing Timesheet Entries5502 Waiting for Something to Happen5503 Scratching Yourself5504 Sleeping5510 Feeling Bored5511 Feeling Horny5600 Complaining About Lousy Job5601 Complaining About Low Pay5602 Complaining About Long Hours5603 Complaining About Coworker (See Codes #5322 &#5323)5604 Complaining About BossFebruary 2012 •21