February 2012 • - Nightwire Magazine

Humor by Nightwire8. Stacking strategy -- It is not enough to pile lots ofdocuments on the table. Put lots of books on the floor,etc. (thick computer manuals are the best).9. Build vocabulary -- Read up on some computermagazines and pick out all the jargon and new products.Use the phrases freely when in conversation with bosses.Remember, they don’t have to understand what you say,but you sure sound impressive.10. MOST IMPORTANT -- DON’T forward this to your boss bymistake!Tickle Me Elmo:There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes theTickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it underthe arms. Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory andshe reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 AM. The next dayat 8:45 AM there is a knock at the Personnel Manager’s door.The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant aboutthe new employee. He complains that she is incredibly slowand the whole line is backing up, putting the entire productionline behind schedule. The Personnel Manager decides heshould see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to thefactory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up thatthere are Tickle Me Elmo’s all over the factory floor and they’rereally beginning to pile up. At the end of the line stands Lenasurrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo’s. She has a rollof plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles. The 2men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric,wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew thelittle package between Elmo’s legs. The Personnel Managerbursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pullshimself together and approaches Lena. “I’m sorry,” he saysto her, barely able to keep a straight face, “but I think youmisunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday...”“Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles.”“Out-Of-Office” E-Mail Auto-Reply:1: I am currently out at a job interview and will reply to you if Ifail to get the position. Be prepared for my mood.2: You are receiving this automatic notification because I amout of the office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn’t havereceived anything at all.3: Sorry to have missed you but I am at the doctors having mybrain removed so that I may be promoted to management.4: I will be unable to delete all the unread, worthless emailsyou send me until I return from vacation on 4/18. Pleasebe patient and your mail will be deleted in the order it wasreceived.5: Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged$5.99 for the first ten words and $1.99 for each additionalword in your message.6: The e-mail server is unable to verify your server connectionand is unable to deliver this message. Please restart yourcomputer and try sending again.’(The beauty of this is thatwhen you return, you can see how many in-duh-viduals didthis over and over).7: Thank you for your message, which has been added to aqueuing system. You are currently in 352nd place, and canexpect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks.8: Hi. I’m thinking about what you’ve just sent me. Please waitby your PC for my response.9: Hi! I’m busy negotiating the salary for my new job. Don’tbother to leave me any messages.10: I’ve run away to join a different circus. “If you’re going towork here young man, “ said the boss, “the number twothing you must learn is that we are very keen oncleanliness in this firm.” “Did you wipe your feeton the mat as you came in?” “Oh, yes, sir.” responded theyoung man. “And another thing the number one thing weare very keen on is truthfulness. There is no mat.” said theboss.If You Get Caught Sleeping at Your Desk1. They told me at the blood bank this might happen.2. This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about inthe last time management course you sent me to.3. Whew! Guess I left the top off the liquid paper.4. I wasn’t sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statementand envisioning a new paradigm!5. This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people!6. I was testing the keyboard for drool resistance.7. Actually I’m doing a “Stress Level Elimination Exercise Plan”(SLEEP). I learned it at the last mandatory seminar youmade me attend.8. I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve workrelated stress.9. Darn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out asolution to our biggest problem.10. The coffee machine is broken.Job ApplicationThis is an actual job application that a 17 year old boysubmitted to McDonald’s in Florida... and they hired himbecause he was so honest and funny!NAME: Greg Bulmash.SEX: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person.DESIRED POSITION: Company’s President or Vice President.But seriously, whatever’s available. If I was in a position to bepicky, I wouldn’t be applying here in the first place.DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and aMichael Ovitz style severance package. If that’s not possible,make an offer and we can haggle.EDUCATION: Yes.LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle managementhostility.SALARY: Less than I’m worth.MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection ofstolen pens and post-it notes.REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, andThursday.DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they’re bettersuited to a more intimate environment.MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I hadone, would I be here?DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULDPROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate questionhere would be “Do you have a car that runs?”HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS ORRECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the PublishersClearing house Sweepstakes.DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job no, on my breaks yes.20• February 2012