July 2015 - UNCLE ANDY’S DIGEST

UNCLE ANDY’S DIGEST
The Most Unusual Digest in America
Party of the Century
August 15th
See inside for details!
FREE
July 2015
Come SEA us for our... SUMMER LIVE MUSIC SERIES
Thursday July 9th • 7-10pm
in the nick of tom
Thursday July 23rd • 7-10pm
Deb Morin & Rich keene
from Cheyenne
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488 Sabattus St., Lewiston • 783-8800
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Dr. Michael Zhang, DMD

I thought about cleaning the house. But then I thought, what's the house
done for me lately?
MODERN WOODMEN
OF AMERICA
July 2015
Tuesday, July 7th
Sam’s Noon - 7pm
(Chapter 14346)
Market Place Mall, Lewiston
$4.50 Member; $5.00 Guest
Tuesday, July 14th
Taber’s 4 – 7pm
(Chapter 8609)
Lakeshore Drive, Auburn
$5.50 Member; $6.50 Guest
Wednesday, July 22nd
Val’s Rootbeer 4 to 7pm
(Chapter 10589)
Sabattus St. Lewiston
$5 Member; $6 Guest
Sunday, July 26th
KC Chicken Bar-B-Que Noon
– 1pm
(Chapter 12907)
Maxwell Gill Hall, Sabattus
$6.50 Member; $7.50 Guest
Wednesday, July 29th
Dairy Joy 3 – 7pm
(Chapter 12749)
Campus Ave, Lewiston/
Spring St. Auburn
$1.00 Member
PARK TICKETS
Aquaboggan
$13.50 member; $15 guest
Combo Fun/Splash
$26 member; $27 guest
Funtown
$19 member; $20 guest
Santa's Village
$27 member; $28 guest
Splashtown
$18 member; $20 guest
WaterCountry
$28 member; $29 guest
York Animal Kingdom
$10 member; $11 guest
According to serving sizes, I'm a family of four.
TICKETS ARE LIMITED – NO RE-
TURNS & NO REFUNDS ALLOWED
Prices, Dates and Menu are subject to
change. If additional info is needed, please
call our office, please do not call restaurants.
All activities can only be attended at
the times listed.
*************************
Tickets need to be purchased at the
Modern Woodmen District Office,
184 Webster Street, Lewiston for all
activities and can only be picked up the
week prior to the activity, Mon – Thurs
9am - 4pm & Friday 9am - Noon
(excluding Holidays). Call 782-1833.

UNCLE ANDY’S DIGEST
is published by the first
Friday of every month by Maine
Mountain Ocean Group, Inc.
with offices at 9 Grove Street,
Auburn, Maine, USA.
It is distributed free throughout
Central Maine and mailed to
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World. Subscriptions are
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If your relationship has more issues than a magazine stand, you might think about
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AFFORDABLE DENTURES
Poorly fitting or broken
dentures repaired
on-site, usually
same-day service!
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including metal frameworks
Like our name implies, we’ll make you Smile Again!
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801 Webster Street, Lewiston
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Or email us at:
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Mike & Joe
Adkins,
licensed
denturists
While Uncle Andy’s Digest tries very hard to
ensure the accuracy of the information in our
client’s advertisements and our publication in
general, we are not responsible for vendor
availability, typographical errors, technical inaccuracies,
product pricing errors, or omissions.
Uncle Andy’s Digest
4
JULY 2015
...with
Jimbo
783-7039
My resume is really just a list of things I never want to ever do again.

You know you're getting old when getting lucky is being able to find your car
in Walmart's parking lot on the first try.
JOIN US EVERY THURSDAY!
Ladies Night • 1/2 priced drinks • LIVE MUSIC outside on our Patio
JULY Line-up:
2nd - Jeff Kilton
9th - Michael Krapovicki
16th - The Help
23rd - Tom Gurney
30th - Scott Gagne
Out ’n About at the
Hobo Holiday at
The Great Falls
Model Railroad
Club in Auburn
The Annual Hobo Holiday
was successful, fun family
event. Hobo outfits
were optional, many children
loved the idea.
103 Lincoln Street, Lewiston • 333-3070 • RailsMaine.com
Tuesday - Thursday 11am - 9pm; Friday & Saturday 11am - 10pm
Adele & Elijah
Tripp
If you do not wish to get to the point, never play leap frog with a unicorn.
Celebrating
Years
1940 ~ 2015
• Restaurant
• BRAND NEW
Mini Golf Course
• Driving Range
• Ice Cream Stand
Andrea, Harrison,
& Anderson Diehl
10th Annual Sock Hop
Aug. 1st @ 7pm
Rollback prices,
Raffles, DJ
Golf Open 10am - 9pm • Restaurant 11am - 9pm
470 Lake Shore Drive, Auburn • tabersgolf.com
36 Hole
Mini Golf Tournament
August 2nd
$20 entry fee
1st place $500!!
Cash for top 5
Explaining a joke is like dissecting a frog... You understand it better but the frog
dies in the process.
Danika & Bria Ratford
& Tanya Smith
Uncle Andy’s Digest
...with
Jimbo
JULY 2015 UncleAndys.com 5

Needy
Submitted by Jimbo
Hummingbirds are just regular birds that don't know the words.
After 35 years of marriage,
a husband and
wife went for counselling.
When asked what the
problem was, the wife
went into a passionate,
painful tirade listing
every problem they
had ever had in the
years they had been
married. On and on
and on: neglect, lack of
intimacy, emptiness,
loneliness, feeling
unloved and unlovable,
an entire laundry list of
unmet needs she had
endured.
Finally, after allowing
this for a sufficient
length of time, the therapist
got up, walked
around the desk and
after asking the wife to
stand, he embraced
and kissed her long
and passionately as
her husband watched
with a raised eyebrow.
The woman shut up
and quietly sat down
as though in a daze.
The therapist turned to
the husband and said,
“This is what your wife
needs at least three
times a week. Can you
see to it?”
“Well,” he said, “I can
drop her off here on
Mondays and Wednesdays,
but on Fridays, I
go fishing.”
tu
We
W
w
H
A HUGE T
Ask us how you c
sponsor of this g
Uncle Andy’s Digest
6
JULY 2015
...with
Jimbo
783-7039
How am I? If I were any better, I'd be twins.

ve partnered with
e hope to grant TWO
ishes to local children!
elp us meet that goal!!
I just got the bill for my surgery. Now I know why those doctors were wearing
masks.
Saturday, August 15th OUTSIDE at Mac’s Grill
The Digest
rns 20 this summer!
Come help us
celebrate!!
Maine
TONS OF FUN!
3-6pm
Happy Hour
(Networking & Silent Auction)
6-10pm
Live music by The Whiskey Militia
Walk around magic by Mark Vaillancourt
Fun with Ginger Snap PhotoBooth
Beer Garden with Federal Distributors
Mac’s Grill will be grillin’!
Roopers will be giving away ten $25 gift cards ($250)!
Make A Wish Maine will be present with a local family!
Tabers Putt Contest • 50/50 • Great Giveaways
Come
Join US!
HANK YOU TO OUR MAJOR SPONSORS!
Out ’n About at the
Hobo Holiday at
The Great Falls
Model Railroad
Club in Auburn
I’m taking my
job very seriously...
now let me get back
to work!
Bria Ratford
When it comes
to trains, I’m a kid
at heart.
Our Exclusive Beer Partner
an become a
reat event!
Deb Bodwell RMS Mortgage
Androscoggin Dental Group • Bilodeau Electric
My penmanship is nothing to write home about.
Dave Kierstead
Uncle Andy’s Digest
...with
Jimbo
JULY 2015 UncleAndys.com 7

Out ’n About at the
Hobo Holiday at
The Great Falls
Model Railroad
Club in Auburn
When we went to Las Vegas, I told my wife I wanted to gamble, but she said no dice.
Gina & Ken Karkos
and Mahdis Verrill
(front)
What a fun
family event!
Harrison, Andrea
& Anderson Diehl
I’m hopping
on the next
train...
Joseph Craven
Uncle Andy’s Digest
8
JULY 2015
...with
Jimbo
783-7039
Never take a pill that has more side effects than you have symptoms.

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I'm an expert at multitasking. I can cheat on six diets at the same time.
For Heaven’s
Sake
Submitted by Thomas Hill
An exasperated
mother, whose son
was always getting
into mischief, finally
asked him, "How do
you expect to get into
Heaven?"
The boy thought it over
and said, "Well, I'll just
run in and out and in
and out and keep
slamming the door until
St. Peter says... ‘For
Heaven's sake, Jimmy,
come in or stay out!’”
The cop got out of his
car and the kid, who
was stopped for speeding,
rolled down his
window.
"I've been waiting for
you all day," the cop
said gleefully.
The kid replied, "Yeah,
well I got here as fast
as I could."
Deer Crossing
Submitted by Thomas Hill
I live in a semi rural
area. We recently had
a new neighbor call the
local township administrative
office to request
the removal of the
DEER CROSSING
sign on our road.
The reason: "Too
many deer are being
hit by cars out here! I
don't think this is a
good place for them to
be crossing anymore."
Uncle Andy’s Digest
...with
Jimbo
JULY 2015 UncleAndys.com 9

Out ’n About at the
Hobo Holiday at
The Great Falls
Model Railroad
Club in Auburn
My mail is a little slow. Last month my flower seeds came as a bouquet.
Macy & Mark Gravel
Megan & Jackson
Goddard
Call me
Boxcar Pauly...
Paul Vallee
Q: What do you get
from a pampered cow?
A: Spoiled Milk
Uncle Andy’s Digest
10
JULY 2015
...with
Jimbo
783-7039
My new health club is so fancy, they have a spiral StairMaster.

Because Business Should Lead To Abundance
Own your
own business?
Want to make
it better?
Call us.
NEXTLevelBusinessCoaching.biz
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Because Business Should Lead To Abundance

Life Line
Submitted by Jimbo
I'm as confused as a mosquito in a mannequin factory.
Thomas appeared on
Who Wants To Be A
Millionaire and towards
the end of the program,
he had already won
$500,000.
"You've done very well
so far," said Regis
Philbin, the show's
host, "but for a million
bucks you've only got
one life-line left, phone
a friend. Everything is
riding on this question.
Will you go for it?"
"Sure," said Thomas.
"I'm going for it!"
"Which of the following
birds does NOT build
its own nest?
a) Sparrow
b) Thrush
I don't mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just horrible!
c) Magpie
d) Cuckoo?"
"I haven't got a clue."
said Thomas, ''So I'll
use my last lifeline and
phone my friend Tim."
Thomas called up his
buddy, and told him the
circumstances and repeated
the question to
him.
"Come on, Thomas!"
cried Tim. "That's simple
it's a cuckoo."
"Are you sure?"
"Yes, I'm sure."
(continued on next page)
Uncle Andy’s Digest
12
JULY 2015
...with
Jimbo
783-7039
I don't want to make anyone jealous, but I can still fit into the cuff links
I wore in high school.

ALL ABOUT
41 Broad St., Auburn
784-5407
AllAboutUsalonla.com
Oops! Did I roll my eyes out loud?
STYLE SMARTER
NOT HARDER
Of course I talk to myself, sometimes I need expert advice.
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(continued from previous page)
Thomas hung up the
phone and told Regis,
"I'll go with cuckoo as
my answer."
"Is that your final answer?"
asked Regis.
"That it is."
There was a long, long
pause and then the
host screamed,
"Cuckoo is the correct
answer! Thomas,
you've won
$1,000,000!"
The next night,
Thomas went to see
Tim to buy him a drink.
"Tell me, Tim? How in
Heaven's name did
you know it was the
Cuckoo that doesn't
build its own nest?"
"Everyone knows the
Cuckoo lives in a clock,
man!"
Sweeping the sidewalk will be
easy now that all my ducks are
in a row!
Uncle Andy’s Digest
...with
Jimbo
JULY 2015 UncleAndys.com 13

Out ’n About at the
Hobo Holiday at
The Great Falls
Model Railroad
Club in Auburn
Last year I joined a support group for procrastinators. We haven't met yet!
Ray Parent
Rob Hoy
The word “Hobo”
started appearing in
the early 1800s.
Summer Hours:
Monday- Friday 8am-5pm
OPEN till 7pm on Thurs.
You’ll Be
Amazed at How
Much You Can
$AVE!
Scott Gould &
Ray Parent
Q: How do Hypnotists
get from place to
place?
A: By public trance-port!
Uncle Andy’s Digest
14
JULY 2015
...with
Jimbo
783-7039
It would be great if we could put ourselves in the dryer for ten minutes and come out
wrinkle-free and three sizes smaller!

If you get an email telling you that you can catch swine flu from tins of ham then delete it.
It's spam.
Don’t spend $18 + at the beauty salon, get your...
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All day – Every day! Walk-ins welcome.
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Since 1963
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54 Mill Street, New Auburn • 783-3444
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Fri. July 17th & Sat. July 18th
Stop by for our FREE BBQ on Saturday 1-3pm
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Out ’n About at the
Hobo Holiday at
The Great Falls
Model Railroad
Club in Auburn
Tami & Michael Paine
In the 1870's there
were about 60,000 miles
of track interwoven
throughout the
United States.
Tom Coulombe
Growing Up
Submitted by Jimbo
A three-year old put his
shoes on by himself.
His mother noticed the
left shoe was on the
right foot.
She said, "Son, your
shoes are on the
wrong feet."
He looked up at her
with a raised brow and
said, "Don't kid me,
Mom. I KNOW they're
my feet."
I think I want a job cleaning mirrors. It's just something I could really see myself doing.
Uncle Andy’s Digest
...with
Jimbo
JULY 2015 UncleAndys.com 15

Non-stick pan
comes with a
free lunch.
I solved the parking problem. I bought a parked car.
Summer
is here!
COLLISION REPAIR & PAINTING
SELLING YOUR CAR OR TRUCK?
Let us help you sell it faster and get more
for your vehicle with complete vehicle detailing!
Call for our HOT Summer Specials!
That’s right,
there is no such thing
as a free lunch either.
782-6515 1111 Center Street, Auburn
Never let your man's mind wander... it's too small to be let out alone.
MADAGASCAL LAKE
Year Round Camp
FOR SALE
• 3 storage buildings
• 165’ sandy beach
frontage
• Septic & well
• Fully furnished
Audrey Martin
Independent Hair Stylist
240-2591
$
179,900 Contact Don Cannan 212-9192 746 Main St, Ste 2, Lewiston • escadahairstudio.com
Uncle Andy’s Digest
16
Things You
Would Never
Know Without
the Movies:
Television news bulletins
usually contain a
story that affects you
personally at that precise
moment you turn
the television on.
A detective can only
solve a case once he
has been suspended
from duty.
JULY 2015
...with
Jimbo
783-7039
The trouble with trouble is that it starts out as fun.
Any Make... Any Model... Any Problem...
NO PROBLEM!
• Appointments required
• Fully warranteed & certified
• $60/hr labor rate
Brad’s Precision Auto
144 Riverside Dr., Auburn
I hope the boss
doesn’t see this...
333-0364 L to R: Dan, John, Eli, Marek & Mallory
Worry often gives a small thing a large shadow.
Come see
the squirt gun gang
this summer...
Only at Brad’s!

I refuse to think of them as chin hairs... I think of them as stray eyebrows.
SET YOUR SAILS FOR TASTINESS
Out ’n About at the
Business to Business
Trade Show
Fresh Food • Fair Prices
Weekly Specials
“Best Seafood Restaurant”
Ten years in a row.
Award Winning Chowder
Family Owned
for 3 Generations
Lounge • Dining Room • Private Function Rooms
165 High Street, Auburn • 782-7796
Open Tuesday - Sunday • www.villageinnmaine.com
Outdoor Patio
open for the
Summer!
Per Almquist
Free Grace Presbyterian
Church
& Pelletier’s Karate
Hey
Digest Nation,
this is my Mommy!
I'm a psychic amnesiac. I know in advance what I'll forget.
Claire Plourde &
Laurie Ouellette
Sweet Pea Designs
YOUR ONE STOP SHOP FOR HEALTH CONVENIENCE
Weight Loss & Fitness Coaching • Health Food Solutions • Personal Training & Conditioning
Metabolic Analysis • Vo2 Testing • Fitness Classes • Nutrition Classes
M. Sellinger
of Auburn
lost 65lbs
in 8 months
A.Tims
of Lewiston
lost 87lbs
in 10 months
1166 Lisbon Street, Lewiston • 777-3223 • www.mendabody.net
When I was born, I was so surprised I couldn't talk for a year and a half.
Jen Reeder
Balloon Festival
Uncle Andy’s Digest
...with
Jimbo
JULY 2015 UncleAndys.com 17

Out ’n About at the
Business to Business
Trade Show
Tact is the art of making a point without making an enemy.
Meet Ryan Breton...
Ryan called Pat Donahue, Owner of Your Best Skin, to inquire
about her services to remove his full facial tattoos. He shared with
her that he had made some not so good choices as a teenager.
Cathy McDonald
Balloon Festival
Ryan before starting
with Your Best Skin
Ryan’s self-confidence and self-esteem
have been greatly impacted because of
these choices. He has struggled to get
an apartment and is not received well in
public. Ryan wanted his identity back.
He heard about tattoo removal at
Your Best Skin and felt this was his
last option.
Pat Donahue, MS, CNM, FNP, is highly trained and regarded as
the expert in tattoo removal, wrinkle reduction and skin rejuvenation
and she chose to accept Ryan’s challenge. His transformation
has begun. Ryan’s story will be told and both he and Pat are
excited to see how his life will be changed for the better.
Ileshea Stowe, Jay
Doane & Sharon White
Rails Restaurant
Be on the
look out for the Habitat
annual golf tourney in
September.
Ryan has had four sessions to date and will continue his treatment
to receive the desired result. His facial tattoo is starting to
lighten. Using the latest technology, Your Best Skin looks forward
to transforming Ryan’s life, and telling this young man’s story
along the way.
Call us today to learn more about how we can reduce
wrinkles, rejuvenate skin, remove tattoos and more! Like
us on Facebook and visit YourBestSkinofMaine.com
Ryan after 4 treatments
with a vast reduction in
visibility of his tattoos.
See Us at Our New Location!
Uncle Andy’s Digest
18
Kim & Victor
Veilleux
Habitat for Humanity
JULY 2015
...with
Jimbo
783-7039
250 Center St, Auburn • Suite 206 (above Cosmo Prof)
207-333-3069 • yourbestskinofmaine.com
You know you're getting old when all your favorite music is in the bargain bin
at Wal-Mart.

I did not get my degree in the custodial arts just to be called a janitor.
July
Special!
$
1.50 OFF any
dozen pastries
(with ad)
Now Open
Saturdays
7am – 1pm
Mon.
6am-noon
Tues-Fri
6am-3pm
Sat. 7am-1pm
Donut Special Every Friday & Saturday
Buy 1 dozen donuts at regular price ( $ 7.50)
and get the 2nd dozen at half price!
$
11.25 for both
161 Lincoln St. • Lewiston • 784-7042 • LabadiesBakery.com
The best way to cheer yourself up is to cheer everyone else up.
Inheritances
Submitted by Jimbo
Jack has died. His
lawyer is standing before
the family and
reads out Jack's Last
Will and Testament.
"To my dear wife Esther,
I leave the house,
50 acres of land, and 1
million dollars."
"To my son Barry, I
leave my Big Lexus
and the Jaguar."
www.abcpools.com
207-783-0858 800-244-0858
1975 Lisbon Rd, Lewiston
There's nothing wrong with having nothing to say - unless you insist on saying it.
"To my daughter Suzy,
I leave my yacht and
$250,000."
"And to my brother-inlaw
Jeff, who always
insisted that health is
better than wealth, I
leave my sun lamp."
Uncle Andy’s Digest
...with
Jimbo
JULY 2015 UncleAndys.com 19

What it Takes
Submitted by Jimbo
The FBI had an opening
for an assassin.
After all the background
checks, interviews,
and tests were
done there were 3 finalists,
two men and a
woman. For the final
test, an FBI agent took
one of the men to a
large metal door and
handed him a gun.
"We must know that
you will follow your instructions
no matter
what the circumstances.
Inside the
room you will find your
wife sitting in a chair.
Kill her!"... said the
agent.
The man said, "You
can't be serious, I
could never shoot my
wife."
No matter how thin you slice it there are always two sides.
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The agent said, "Then
you're not the right
man for this job. Take
your wife and go
home."
NRA Certified Instruction
Education • Training • Confidence
rdtacticalhandgun.com
Don Mailhot
NRA - Law Enforcement
576-5131
Bill Rousseau
NRA - Law Enforcement
576-6961
Roland Levasseur
NRA-SIG Academy - Frontsight
212-0608
The second man was
given the same instructions.
He took the gun
and went into the
room. All was quiet for
about 5 minutes.
The man came out with
tears in his eyes, "I
tried, but I can't kill my
wife."
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The agent said, "You
don't have what it
takes. Take your wife
and go home."
Now Offering
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L/A,
we’re worth the
drive!
We’re 5 minutes
from the Ramada.
Finally, it was the
Uncle Andy’s Digest
20
JULY 2015
(continued on next page)
...with
Jimbo
783-7039
183 Lisbon Street, Lisbon • 353-9862 • www. QCA.me
Luck is a lazy person's estimate of a worker's success.

I always wanted to be a procrastinator... I just never got around to it.
(continued from previous page)
woman's turn. She was
given the same instructions,
to kill her husband.
She took the gun
and went into the
room. Shots were
heard, one after another.
Then there was
screaming, crashing,
and banging on the
walls. After a few minutes,
all was quiet.
The door opened
slowly and there stood
the woman. She wiped
the sweat from her
brow.
"What on earth happened
in there?" asked
the FBI agent.
"This stupid gun is
loaded with blanks"
she said, "I had to beat
him to death with the
chair."
Out ’n About at the
Relay for Life
event with
Great Falls FCU
I feel
pretty,
oh so pretty...
Mary Bolduc
The best way to combat criminals is by not voting for them.
Uncle Andy’s Digest
...with
Jimbo
JULY 2015 UncleAndys.com 21

Out ’n About at the
Relay for Life
event with
Great Falls FCU
I didn't believe in reincarnation the last time, either.
Dylan Blanchette
Good thing
Dylan’s here...
I can’t see crap!
Mom’s Smarts
Submitted by Thomas Hill
A little boy went up to
his father and asked:
“Dad, where did my intelligence
come from?”
The father replied,
“Well, son, you must
have got it from your
mother, cause I still
have mine.”
Uncle Andy’s Digest
22
JULY 2015
...with
Jimbo
783-7039
Never pick a quarrel, even when it's ripe.

My Ultra Sensitive toothpaste doesn't like it when I use other toothpastes.
Out ’n About at the
Kiwanis
55th Annual
Pancake Breakfast
Alison Jacobs &
Jessica Leighton
I've just bought a mirror clock, I think it's time for reflection.
If it looks easy - it’s hard; if it’s hard - it’s interesting;
if it’s interesting - it’s John F. Murphy Homes!”
Mayor Robert
Macdonald
Volunteer Pancake Server
WE’RE HIRING!
Join our team of caring professionals!
Apply online at JFMhomes.org or visit 800 Center St, Auburn.
John F. Murphy Homes, Inc. is an Equal Opportunity Employer and complies with all local, state, and federal guidelines
in its employment practices & services provided.
Gossip is when you hear something you like about someone you don't.
Kirstie Acker
Starbucks
Uncle Andy’s Digest
...with
Jimbo
JULY 2015 UncleAndys.com 23

Out ’n About at the
Relay for Life
event with
Great Falls FCU
The face is familiar but I can't quite remember my name.
It’s Your Wedding Day
Tuxes or Suits
Wedding Party of 6 - Groom is FREE
Plus a FREE 120 minute Tanning Package
For the
Bride
Up-style
practice session
Up-style
Shellac Manicure
Spa Pedicure
Make-up
FREE
120 minute
Tanning Package
Only $200
Make it Special!
Michele & Lily
You wanna
piece of this?
Call or
stop in
TODAY!
Uncle Andy’s Digest
24
Leo Levesque
& Sue Lussier
My sister has a
lifesaving tool in her
car designed to cut
through a seat belt if
she gets trapped.
She keeps it in the
trunk.
JULY 2015
...with
Jimbo
783-7039
Sarah Jeanne’s
77 Sabattus Street, Lewiston • SarahJeannes.com
795-6778
Upstyles • Hair Services • Hair Extensions • Manicures • Shellac Polish • Pedicures • Massage • Tanning • Tuxedos • And More!
Family Hair Care, Day Spa & Tanning
Suit & Tuxedo Sales & Rental
The dog ate my car keys. We're going to hitchhike to the vet.

Ancient Romans could tell time by looking at the sun. I myself have never been able to
make out the numbers.
Kayla Rioux
Dental Assistant
Dr. Michelle L. Mazure-Kary
DDS, MPH
Your Root Canal
Specialist!
Erin Brown
Practice Manager
Central Maine Endodontics is
pleased to announce the
opening of our second
location in Yarmouth, Maine.
Patients will receive the same
great care from board
certified Michelle-Kary DDS,
MPH and her team. We look
forward to serving our great
patients in both communities.
219 Mt. Auburn Ave, Auburn ME 04210 • 10 Forest Falls DR. Unit 5, Yarmouth ME 04096
783-1671 • 888-330-9600 • Fax: 783-3717
email: cendodontics@roadrunner.com • www.centralmaineendodontics.com
Out ’n About at the
Kiwanis
55th Annual
Pancake Breakfast
Gimmie
a “K”!
Julie Gile
Kiwanis
Gimmie
an “I”!
To me, good exercise is soaking in a tub, pulling the plug, and fighting the current.
Rolly’s Diner
Just good cookin’ and plenty of it!
Breakfast & Lunch
Specials Daily
Gimmie a
“WAN”!
Gimmie
an “IS”!
Rolly’s has
GREAT food!
At GREAT
prices!!
Rolly, Cathy & Christine
And don’t
forget about the
GREAT waitstaff,
too!!!
• Unusual Omelettes
• Crepes
• Breakfast All Day
• Extensive Menu
87 Mill St.
New Auburn
753-0171
(for take-out)
Mon – Sat 5 am – 2 pm
Sunday 7 am – noon
My next house will have no kitchen.... just vending machines.
Andie Hannon
Kiwanis President
Auto correct is changing
correctly spelled words.
I'm starting to think it
has a mind of its AUTO
CORRECT IS HARM-
LESS. GO ABOUT
YOUR BUSINESS.
Uncle Andy’s Digest
...with
Jimbo
JULY 2015 UncleAndys.com 25

Out ’n About at the
Kiwanis
55th Annual
Pancake Breakfast
A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
Sarah Nutt
Starbucks
I’m a HOG
and proud of it!
www.srcu4u.com
Don't let anyone tell you you're getting old... Squash their toes with your rocker.
Roop’s Rangers
Walter Tarbox &
Sandra Bruno
L-A Mid Maine HOGS
(Harley Owners Group)
Volunteers
change the world!
Kneeling: Tony Olmstead, general manager; Steve Roop, Owner.
Standing: Jessie Moody, wholesale account rep; Cat Tardie, bookkeeper extraordinaire;
& Jesse St.Laurent, general manager.
Sarah Glynn
Kiwanis past President
Indecision may or may not be my problem.

I'm making a list of all the things that I ought to do before I die. It's called my
'oughtobiography'.
SABATTUS
MAIN STREET MARKET
2 Main Street, Sabattus
375-8502
No Matter How
You Slice It
Submitted by Jimbo
While working at a
pizza parlor I observed
a man ordering a small
pizza to go. He appeared
to be alone and
the cook asked him if
he would like it cut into
4 pieces or 6.
He thought about it for
some time before responding...
"Just cut it into 4
pieces, I don't think I'm
hungry enough to eat 6
pieces."
It’s BBQ Season!
We have steak, chicken,
burger, deli salads,
produce and the coldest
beverages around!
GET IT HERE!
We’re A LOT More Than
just a pizza joint!
Try us once,
you’ll be a regular!
OPEN 7 Days 6am - 8pm
Final
Instructions
Submitted by Thomas Hill
An elderly woman died
last month. Having
never married, she requested
no male pallbearers.
In her handwritten instructions
for her memorial
service, she
wrote...
"They wouldn't take me
out while I was alive, I
don't want them to take
me out when I'm dead"
SABATTUS
MAIN STREET MARKET
2 Main Street, Sabattus
375-8502
$
5 .00 OFF
ANY 2 LARGE
PIZZAS
UAD Expires 7.31.15
Things You
Would Never
Know Without
the Movies
You can always find a
chainsaw when you
need one.
I don't have a big ego, I'm way too cool for that.
Uncle Andy’s Digest
...with
Jimbo
JULY 2015 UncleAndys.com 27

Twins 2.0
Mothers & Daughters
I wonder how long I would be on hold if my call wasn't important to them.
Belinda Vallee &
Jocelyn Vallee
Village Inn
This is like
deja vu all over
again...
Amanda Pelletier
& Carole Pelletier
PS Performance Group
Amanda and her mom, Carole
were featured as TWINS
in the Digest almost 20 years
ago. We were glad to catch
them Out ‘n About to feature
them in TWINS 2.0 2015
version.
Michele Tribou &
Natalie Giguere
Heidi’s Brooklyn Deli
Uncle Andy’s Digest
28
JULY 2015
...with
Jimbo
783-7039
Behavior is a mirror in which everyone displays his image.

Editing is a rewording activity.
Out ’n About at the
Kiwanis
55th Annual
Pancake Breakfast
Sarah Glynn &
Mike Meservier
Key Club face painting
Things You Would
Never Know Without
the Movies:
It is always possible to
park directly outside
any building you are
visiting.
The best way to succeed in life is to start from scratch and keep scratching.
Uncle Andy’s Digest
...with
Jimbo
JULY 2015 UncleAndys.com 29

CALL THE PROS
Rachel Larrivee Massage Therapy
Also offering on-site
services for the
workplace & home
183 Main Street, Lewiston
754.7707 • LewistonMassage.com
Residential &
Commercial
• Asphalt Paving
• Seal Coating
• Hot Rubberized Crack Repair
Fully Insured • Bonded • Family Owned & Operated
345-3529 or 650-7273 • CooperPavingllc.com
Chance
Apprentice Mechanic
A-PLUS AUTO REPAIR
Get your
car fixed at
A-Plus Auto before
I unleash these Karate
chopping hands
on you!
747 Minot Ave, Auburn
(Behind Fastenal Services)
786-0522
• Computer Diagnostics
• Brake Pads & Rotors
• Shocks & Struts
• Oil Changes
• Exhaust Repair
• $50/hr Labor Rate
• Maine State
Inspection Station
No Separating
Required!
GOT TRASH?
1-844-638-7274
Serving: Norway • West Paris • Minot
Mechanic Falls • Oxford &
NOW Lewiston/Auburn!
70 Main St, South Paris • HarrisBrothersRubbish.com
Call us for a
FREE quote!
784-2545
26 Nickerson Ave.
Auburn
Full Service Salon Now Seeking
BOOTH RENTERS
Ruby Rose Frozen Custard
* Frozen Custard Made Daily *
Soft Serve & Frozen Yogurt available also
1184 Maine St.
Rt. 26 Poland
998-2262
50¢ OFF
on regular priced items
with this ad
exp. 7/31/15
Open Daily
Noon - 10PM
I'm secretly a closet claustrophobic.

CALL THE PROS
Standing Still
Photography
Nathaniel Ray,
Photographer/Owner
207-212-4534
StandingStillPhoto.com
EVERYTHING OLD ORCHARD!
Make those moments
stand still
10%
OFF
when you book in July
Aceto & Sons
Earthwork LLC
$AVE 5%
with this ad
• Driveways
• Patios
• Walkways
• Porches
• Steps
• Poolscapes
Excavation & Landscaping
Dan Aceto
740-6763
daceto@live.com
Fully Insured
Certified in Erosion Control
Summer Time $avings!
Buy Your Boiler/Furnace Now!
Now is the Time to $AVE!
CALL TODAY!
Ray Hurilla Plumbing & Heating Co.
207-485-7357
RayHurillaPlumbingandHeating.com
15 Elm St.
Mechanic Falls
Open Friday
Nights for
dinner!
7am-2pm
Homemade just tastes better!
www.facebook.com/waitescountrycafe
Make Your Summer Better...
STOP in for a
home cooked meal!
LaBonte Financial Services
Tax Consultants & Advisors
• Affordable Monthly
Bookkeeping
• Accounts Receivables/Payables
• Bank Reconciliations
• General Ledgers
Call for FREE
Estimate!
Bert LaBonte, CPA, MBA, MST
155 Center Street, Auburn • 782-9500 • bglcpa@aol.com
Blessed are the flexible, for they can tie themselves into knots.

CALL THE PROS
Join us for some Affordable FUN!
$
10 up to 48 cards - Games pay $ 50 - $ 100
Join us for lunch!
Open @ 11am till done Wed, Thurs & Fri
Please Call ahead for take out orders
423-6666
Located at Elizabeth Ann’s, East Ave, Lewiston
Sunday at 6:00PM
Wed., Thurs, & Friday
at 6:30PM
Pleasant Street Bingo Hall
475 Pleasant St., Lewiston • 777-1394
DownEast Vapes
1485 Lisbon St.
Lewiston (next to Fast Breaks)
241-0591
DownEastVapes.com
VOLKSHOP
Parts, Sales, Service & Salvage
Larry Wedge
(Owner)
207-657-2747
volkshop67@yahoo.com
Maine’s Favorite Vaping Outlet
Handcrafted Signature E-juice
E-cigs • Mod’s • RDA’s • Batteries
Vaping Supplies
20% OFF
Bottle of E-Juice
Limit one bottle per customer
✃
with coupon
Expires 7.31.15 (UAD)
Affordable
Oral Health
Care
END OF SCHOOL SPECIAL
New Patients Welcome • Cleanings & Evaluations
Saturday and Evening Appointments Available
Self Pay 20% and Insurance OFFAccepted... kids & Save teens Up To 30%
207-241-0667
www.sassevillehealthysmile.com
Kevin Washburn
(Service Technician)
119 Sabbath Day Rd
New Gloucester
Small Jobs, Trees/Stumps
Ditching, Foundations
Drain Pipes
Driveway Grading 416-3611
Blackie’s Farm
Fresh Produce
Open Year Round
966 Minot Ave, Auburn • 786-0005 • 6am - 8pm
or
996 Sabattus St, Lewiston • 786-4356 • 6am - 6:30pm
MINOT HOME FOR SALE
• 2,800 sq/ft
• 2 car garage
• Modern, open
concept
• 3 acres
• Beautiful, country
setting
Listed by Owners.com
$
295,000 - Contact Don Cannan 212-9192
I have a million dollar figure...but it's all loose change!

Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.
THANK YOU!
7th Annual Peter J. Simard
Golf Tournament to benefit
the Joseph Menezes
Scholarship Fund
WELCOME to
the WORLD!
Poland Springs Golf Course
Auburn Firefighters, IAFF Local 797
Central Distributors
Schooner Estates Retirement Community
Saco River Dentistry, P.C.
Waltz & Sons Inc.
Roy I. Snow, Inc.
Dan, Jan Becky & Mike Perreault
Independent Electrical Inspections of ME
Lewiston Firefighters, Local 785
Roy's Foodland
E F I Global
Coastal T Shirts
Mac's Grill
Little Debbie Snacks - Scott Whalen
UTZ Snacks - Kim Ellis
Chick-A-Dee of Lewiston
ISE Engineering Inc.
Tim Horton's
The Simard Family/Julie Simard & Family
Bruns Brothers, Processing Equipment
Wheeler's Market
Fire & Explosion Investigations, Inc.
Hammond Lumber Company
Federal Distributors
Gary, Cathy, Allison & Aaron Simard
Fox Ridge Golf Course
Marcel's Barber Shop
NEFCO Fire Investigations
Poisson's & Sons Auto Care Center
Vertex
Steve, Lori & Josh Simard
Fox Ridge Golf Course
Future Foods
Gipper's Sports Grill
Cole Farms Restaurant Pub
Building Controls Maine
Buffalo Wild Wings, Auburn
United Ambulance Service
Great Falls Security
Thank You for your support and
contributions to this great cause.
Elin Adkins
Daughter of Joe & Robyn
Adkins. She was born
6.16.15 at 9:38pm,
weighed 6lbs, 13oz. and
was 19 inches.
Her daddy is a denturist
at Smile Again Dentures
in Lewiston.
A key ring is a handy little gadget that allows you to lose all your keys at once.
Enjoy Your Summer with Georgio’s
Fill Your Cooler Here!
Our reasonably priced food will allow you
to spend more money on the fun stuff!
Italians / UFO’s / Pasta Salad / Finger Rolls
& so much MORE!
Our bakery items are baked fresh daily!
GEORGIO’S
740 Minot Ave, Auburn
783-2981
See Our Specials: myGeorgios.com
Love doesn't make the world go 'round, but it does make the ride worthwhile.
Animal
Crackers
Submitted by Thomas Hill
A mother and her
young son returned
from the grocery store
and began putting
away the groceries.
The boy opened the
box of animal crackers
and spread them all
over the table.
"What are you doing?"
his mother asked.
"The box says you
can't eat them if the
seal is broken," the boy
explained.
"I'm looking for the
seal."
Uncle Andy’s Digest
...with
Jimbo
JULY 2015 UncleAndys.com 33

Out ’n About at the
Kiwanis
55th Annual
Pancake Breakfast
An apology is the Super Glue of life: it can repair just about anything.
Is it wrong to feel
like I just won the Masters?
I know... wrong color.
Mike Meservier
Red Jacket recipient
Mike is a long-time volunteer
for the local Kiwanis
chapter. A red jacket is
awarded to someone
who has raised $1,000 or
more for the Kiwanis.
It's time for
ambivalence.
Uncle Andy’s Digest
34
JULY 2015
...with
Jimbo
783-7039
Reality is a nice place, but I wouldn't want to live there.

RETAIL • WHOLESALE • REDEMPTION • LIQUOR STORE
5 Locations for Your Convenience
ROOPERS
LISBON ST.
Now Selling
Liquor!
ATM’s onsite & Lottery/Megabucks!
Sabattus Street, Lewiston Lisbon Street, Lewiston Main Street, Auburn
New Walk-in
Soda Cooler!
694 Main St.
Lewiston • 782-1482
Minot Ave, Auburn
Beer Specials
Twisted Tea 18pk . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .$15.99
Curious Traveler 12pk . . . . . . . . . . . . .$11.99
Heineken 18pk . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .$16.99
21st Amendment 12pk . . . . . . . . . . . .$15.99
Smutynose 12pk . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .$12.99
Bud/BudLight 15pk . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .$11.99
Shipyard Seadog 12pk . . . . . . . . . . . .$13.99
Sam Adams 12pk . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .$13.99
Wine Specials
Black Box 3L . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .$19.99
Mionetto Prosecco . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .$10.99
Terrazas 750ml . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .2 for $15
Twisted 1.5L . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .$8.99
Vueve Clicquot 750ml . . . . . . . . . . . . .$49.99
Soda
Mello Yellow 1L . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . $0.89
Dansani 1L . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . $0.99
King Kooker Give-a-way!
at all Roopers locations!
794 Sabattus St.
Lewiston • 783-6353
WHAT’S BREWING
AND ALWAYS NEW
YOUR BETTER BEER PIONEERS
Since 1992
1.75L
$20.99 Save $5
1420 Lisbon St.
Lewiston • 333-3095
750ml $21.99
Save $6
Glenfiddich 12 yr
$49.99
Save $4
Mello Yellow
1L $0.89
Bud Light 15 pk
$11.99
545 Minot Ave.
Auburn • 783-2047
Captain Morgans
1.75L $24.99
Save $5
Main Street, Lewiston
Barcardi 1.75L
$19.99
Save $6
Beefeater
1.75L $33.99
Save $4
Vueve Cliquot
$49.99
303-311 Main St.
Auburn • 783-9098

Light it Up
Submitted by Thomas Hill
A professional juggler,
driving to his next performance,
is stopped
by the police.
"What are you doing
with these matches
and lighter fluid in your
car?" asks the police
officer.
"I'm a juggler and I juggle
flaming torches in
my act."
"Oh yeah? Let's see
you do it," says the
officer.
So the juggler gets out
and starts juggling the
blazing torches masterfully.
A couple driving
by slows down to
watch.
"Wow," says the driver
to his wife. "I'm glad I
quit drinking. Look at
the test they're giving
now!"
All Relative
Submitted by Jimbo
Every time I close the door on reality, it comes in through the windows.
CAMERON TIRE & SERVICE
Scooter
FAMILY OWNED & OPERATED SINCE 1983
I’m proud
to be an
AMERICAN!
We can do it:
• Wheel alignment
& balancing
• Complete brake
work
• Engine tune-up
• Lube-oil-filter
• State Inspections
60 Minot Ave., Auburn • 782-6666 or 783-2026
A proverb is a short sentence based on long experience.
OUR TIRES
We’re paving
paradise and putting
up a parking lot...
A couple drove down a
country road for several
miles, not saying a
word. An earlier discussion
had led to an argument
and neither of
them wanted to concede
their position.
As they passed a barnyard
of mules, goats,
and pigs, the husband
asked sarcastically...
"Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied,
"in-laws."
Uncle Andy’s Digest
36
JULY 2015
...with
Jimbo
783-7039
Cooper Paving: Chris Derosier, Matt Cooper & Ryan Picard
Failure takes the path of least persistence.
It’s true,
they wrote that
song about us!

Don’t forget
to get your
grilling meats
at Mac’s!
Come Watch
Your Favorite
Baseball Team
We have 11 T.V.’s in our 1,300 sq. ft bar area!
Not a bad seat in the house!
Every Monday
20% off Burgers
& 30% off all
drafts!
Let Mac’s
Cater Your
Next Event!
Don’t forget
your Mac’s
gift cards!
Save the date...
Join us August 15th
for a HUGE outdoor bash!
We’re helping UNCLE ANDY’S DIGEST
celebrate their 20th Anniversary!!
Live music by the Whiskey Militia
Have a
GREAT
4th of July!!
Mac’s Grill • 1052 Minot Avenue, Auburn • 783-6885 • macsgrill.com

Out ’n About at
LadyPalooza
Yesterday was the deadline for all complaints.
Buy Local • Listen Local
Your local radio station
Gisele Larrivee
Beauticontrol
Jon Violette &
Brittany Coons
Herbalife
Hear live local performances, city and elected officials, business
and non-profits... Over 450 people in the past year!
Great Music, Local Announcers & Sports
Music from Today & the past 30 Years
Leah D'Amour
Uncle Andy’s Digest
38
JULY 2015
...with
Jimbo
783-7039
Life is what's coming... not what was.

It's true I don't like soap, but you don't have to rub it in my face!
A Maine Tradition You Can Count On!
64 Lewiston Road, Gray
657-4714 • ColeFarms.com
• Happy Hour 3-6pm daily
• 14 Beers on Tap & Full Bar
• Daily Specials
• Open Mic on Wednesday Nights
• Live Music on Friday Nights
I must be getting older. Lately, all I'm looking for is a one-night sit.
Top
Notch
Submitted by Thomas Hill
I couldn't find my luggage
at the airport baggage
area, so I went to
the lost luggage office
and told the woman
there that my bags
never showed up.
She smiled and told
me not to worry because
she was a
trained professional
and I was in good
hands.
"Now," she asked me,
"has your plane arrived
yet?"
“Where you’re
treated like family.”
Dave J. Roy
782-9999
1-877-375-4888
dave@a1gutters.me
www.a1seamlessguttersmaine.com
THOMAS BAUER, DDS, MS
1 Willow Run, Mt. Auburn Ave, Auburn
784-8587 or (888) 895-6801
AndroscogginOrtho.com
Out ’n About at the Kiwanis
55th Annual Pancake Breakfast
Success stops when you do.
We’re here
every year!
Adam & Hillary Dow with their children,
Eva & Tyler
You know it's time to do the laundry when you dry off with a sneaker.
Uncle Andy’s Digest
...with
Jimbo
JULY 2015 UncleAndys.com 39

Out ’n About at
LadyPalooza
If those NASA scientists are so smart, why do they all count backwards?
Rebecca Messer
Younique
“Uncle Andy's Digest
has definitely been well worth
the investment. We've reached new markets and had
the ability to directly associate sales conversions from their
magazine. This has been the ONLY print media that has ever
worked for our business thus far. We also really appreciate
Tim Rucker as our representative. He is professional
and a great support in helping local businesses
get branded.”
Sara Goodrich
Valerie Irish
Debra Ann Sellinger,
owner of Mend-A-Body Solutions.
They’re located at 1166 Lisbon Street in Lewiston. See her ad on page 17.
Donna Alexander
& Karen Curit
Success is getting what you want. Happiness is liking what you get.

If ignorance is bliss, why aren't more people happy?
Out ’n About at the Kiwanis
55th Annual Pancake Breakfast
The ‘A’ Team
Jessie Poore, Kathi Wergin,
Cindy Rogers & Lorrie Fernald
Professional Pancake Flippers
Sorry guys, women are just
better at pancake flipping and most
everything else.
No one can ruin your day without your permission.
The ‘B’ Team
Jerry Wergin, Tony “Bob” Bruno,
Cody Malpass & Brian Jones
Semi-Professional Pancake Flippers
Sweet Pea Designs
Wedding Planner & Floral Studio
Celebrating 11years with
$
10 OFF ANY ORDER through JULY
777-1520
SweetPeaFloralDesignsme.com
True love is a friendship set on fire.
Always FREE
Delivery in L/A
Blind Date
Submitted by Thomas Hill
"How was your blind
date?"
"Terrible! He showed
up in a 1932 Rolls-
Royce."
"What’s so terrible
about that?"
"He was the original
owner."
Uncle Andy’s Digest
...with
Jimbo
JULY 2015 UncleAndys.com 41

The Test
Submitted by Jimbo
Father O'Shea, the
parish priest in the village,
was giving a sermon
about charity. He
said, "The trouble with
the world today is that
some people have too
much and others have
too little. We must give
of ourselves and our
worldly goods to help
the less fortunate."
He said to Harrigan, "If
you had ten thousand
pounds, wouldn't you
give half of it to the
poor?"
He said, "I would that,
Father."
The priest said, "If you
had two greyhounds,
wouldn't you give one
of them to your neighbor
next door?"
Drinking this No More Tears shampoo is just making me sadder.
600 Center St. • Shaw’s Plaza, Auburn • 784-6766 • www.DaysJewelers.com
Since 1914
Watch Battery Special!
All batteries
Only
$
1 .00 Expires 7.31.15
Spring is here!
Do you think Houdini ever locked his keys in his car?
Limit one
watch battery
per customer
Out ’n About at the Relay for Life event with Great Falls FCU
1st Place Fundraisers!
Harrigan said, "No."
The priest said, "And
why not?"
He said, "I have two
greyhounds."
Nancy Bard, Leo and Jeannine Levesque
& Mary Bolduc
A police recruit was
asked during the exam,
"What would you do if
you had to arrest your
own mother?"
He answered, "Call for
backup."
I hear that somebody
in Colorado put marijuana
in the cattle feed.
I hate it when I think that I'm buying "Organic" vegetables, but when I get home they're
just regular donuts.
PAUL JALBERT
Master Barber
Celebrating 60 Years!
Now offering Retirement Prices:
$
13 Cuts - Men & Boys
I hope they find out
who did it; the steaks
are high.
Have a safe and happy July
from all of us at the Digest!
Find
Paul here
All About U Salon
41 Broad St, Auburn
240-3309 or 784-5407
Uncle Andy’s Digest
42
JULY 2015
...with
Jimbo
783-7039
For chemists, alcohol is not a problem. It's a solution.

"Some people come into your life as blessings, others come into your life as lessons."
– Mother Teresa
Out ’n About at the
Business to Business
Trade Show
Hillary Dinwiddie &
Miriah Dinwiddie
Bedard Pharmacy
The grass isn't greener on the other side. It's greener where you water it.
Penny Bradstreet &
Jeanelle Demers
Bedard Pharmacy
Since 1953
Sun – Thurs: 9am-10pm; Fri & Sat: 9am-11pm
LuiggisPizzeria.com
SUNDAY
Baked Ziti
$
6.00
THURSDAY
Mini Pizza
1 topping $
2.99
2 toppings $
3.99
MONDAY
The Fergy
sm $
2.50
lg $
5.00
TUESDAY
Meatball Subs
WEDNESDAY
Spaghetti Dinners
1 meatball, salad,
sm $
3.35 w/ch $ 3.99
garlic bread, drink
lg $
6.50 w/ch $ 7.50 $
5.25
FRIDAY
$1.00 OFF
Any Large Pizza
SATURDAY
2 Ham or Salami
Italians
$
7.99
EVERY DAY: Regular Pizza with Drink $ 5.50
I'm allergic to food – I break out in fat.
Matt Shaw
March of Dimes
and Master selfie-taker
Things You Would
Never Know
without the Movies:
Most laptop computers
are powerful enough
to override the communication
systems of
any invading alien
civilization.
Uncle Andy’s Digest
...with
Jimbo
JULY 2015 UncleAndys.com 43

Quick Footed
Submitted by Jimbo
My seatmate on a flight
was a woman.
Ever the charmer, I
asked, “Does the airline
charge you extra
for sitting next to goodlooking
men?”
“Yes,” she said, “but I
wasn’t willing to pay.”
"I've searched all the
parks in all the cities
and found no statues
of committees."
– G. K. Chesterton
"I just don't want to live in a cookie cutter house." – Gingerbread family
Assisted Home Care II
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Assisting Your Family”
Assisting Families since 1997.
• Registered Home Health Care Service Agency
• Private Duty Care & Staff Relief
• 24 hour Personal Care and Response
• Guarantee Continuity of Caregivers
• Assist with Independent Living at Home
Now expanding
our services to the
Midcoast Region!
11 Bank St., Brunswick • 212-6736 • assistedhomecare.org
Out ’n About at
Fenway Park
This selfie
thing is all the
rage!
Ron Major, Tony Girouard, Joe Lopes & Jimbo
These 3 car guys (Ron & Tony = Quality Care Auto in Lisbon & Joe from Napa)
with the publisher of this goofy magazine.
Joe Lopes, Jimbo, Tony Girouard, & Ron Major
This the closest any of these guys got to playing ball at Fenway Park!
Please
use our
advertisers!
Uncle Andy’s Digest
44
Let ‘em know
you saw ‘em here!!
JULY 2015
...with
Jimbo
783-7039
OUR SERVICE DEPARTMENT
Complete Auto & Light Truck Repairs • State Inspections
Shocks • Suspensions • Brakes • Tune-ups • Engine Problems
BODY SHOP NOW OPEN
See us for your accident, rust or refinishing repairs
COMPARE! Cost to restore vs.
cost of replacing your auto
I love sleep because it's like a time machine to breakfast.
FREE
ESTIMATES
845 Washington St. North, Auburn
782-5500

It isn't easy to keep your mouth and your mind open at the same time.
Located in the building behind Dad’s Place
Hours: Monday - Sunday 9am - 5pm
(closed Tuesdays & Major Holidays)
DAD’S PLACE
REDEMPTION
23 Pleasant St, Mechanic Falls • 345-5551
Bottle Drives
Welcome!
Summer Time!
Get Your returnables
to Dad’s Redemption
Today!
✃
Dad’s Redemption
6¢
on all 5¢ returns
with this coupon.
(must present coupon at
Redemption Center prior to counting)
UAD expires 7.31.15
Fans
Hank Trueworthy
of Winn, Maine is an avid
reader of Uncle Andy's
Digest. Hank is almost 94
years young.
The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age.
NEW AUBURN SOCIAL CLUB
7 SECOND ST. AUBURN • 782-9039
Sports Banquet/Member Appreciation
Sat. July 11 th
FREE Hotdogs & Hamburgers • $1 can beer
Dunk Tank for Favorite Officers • Band 4-8pm
DJ Inside 8-12pm
Balloon Festival Weekend Party!
Outside • Aug. 21st & 22nd
Live Bands • Canned Beer $1.25
*Notice to All Members* - New Key Entry System
Stop in to Get Your New Key Card Today!
When an octopus puts on deodorant, how does he remember where he started?
Twins, Doreen Fae
& Donna Mae
getting a kick out of
reading the Digest
As soon as the meat
is finished you can
warm your buns.
Uncle Andy’s Digest
...with
Jimbo
JULY 2015 UncleAndys.com 45

Tough Kids
Submitted by Jimbo
Three little boys were
bragging about how
tough they were.
At my age, "getting a little action" means I don't need to take a laxative.
Out ’n About at the Kiwanis 55th Annual Pancake Breakfast
"I'm so tough", said the
first boy, "that I can
wear out a pair of
shoes in a week".
"Well", said the second
little boy, "I'm so tough,
I can wear out a pair of
jeans in a day".
"That's nothing", said
the third boy. "When
my parents take me to
see my grandma and
grandpa, I can wear
them out in just one
hour."
Chew on This
Submitted by Jimbo
John was visiting a
friend in the hospital.
He had recently quit
smoking and was
chewing on an unlit
cigar when he got on
the elevator. A woman
on the elevator said to
him with a snarl, "Sir!
There's no smoking in
here!"
Mia Comis, Lindsay Cook
& Sophia Comis
St. Dom’s Key Club
Sausage Kings of L/A
Marc Mailot & Ron Bellemore
Mailot Sausage & Kiwanis
Larry Burgess, Bill Bell & Cote Burgess
Keith Saunders, James Bradley, Gene Pilote,
Lt. Norm Gurschick & Josh Labonte
Auburn Fire Dept.
Sarah Glynn & Mike Meservier
Sarah presents Mike his red jacket
“I'm not smoking lady,”
replied John.
"But you have a cigar
in your mouth!" the
woman said.
"Lady," John answered,
"I've got
Jockey shorts on too,
but I'm not riding a
horse!"
Uncle Andy’s Digest
46
JULY 2015
...with
Jimbo
783-7039
Don Malpass’s Troop 121 of Auburn
Life is like a shower - one wrong move and your in hot water.

I don't mind going nowhere, as long as it's an interesting path.
Office Cleaning Bucket List
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CHRISSY’S DOWN HOME CLEANING • 207-754-4266
I am having an out of money experience.
Sponsor
Maddy & Lauren Cote
with Lisa-Marie Sasseville
of Sasseville Healthy
Smiles in Lewiston
Friendly Wave
Submitted by Jimbo
From a passenger
ship, everyone can see
a bearded man on a
small island who is
shouting and desperately
waving his hands.
"Who is it?" a passenger
asks the captain.
Everyone is gifted. Some just open the package sooner.
"I've no idea. Every
year when we pass, he
goes nuts."
Come see us
at our NEW
Location!
We’re now at
61 Mill Street in
New Auburn
(in the old Pontbriand
Hardware building)
61 Mill Street, New Auburn • 783-6927 or 1-800-834-5706
Mon-Fri 7:30-5:30 • Sat. 8-4 • MySelco.com
Walk-ins
Welcome
740-6316
$
10 CUTS
184 Turner St. Auburn
(Next to Coastal T-shirts)
hwilliamsbarber.com
Hours: Tue. Wed. Fri. 8-4
Thurs. 8-5 • Sat. 8-12
I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
Uncle Andy’s Digest
...with
Jimbo
JULY 2015 UncleAndys.com 47

Work Around
Submitted by Thomas
A woman went to a
doctors' office and was
seen by one of the new
doctors. But after about
4 minutes in the examination
room, she burst
out, screaming as she
ran down the hall.
An older doctor
stopped her and asked
her what the problem
was, and when she explained,
he had her sit
down and relax in another
room. The older
doctor marched back
to the first and said,
“What's the matter with
you? Mrs. Terry is 63
years old, she has four
grown children and
seven grandchildren,
and you told her she
was PREGNANT??”
The new doctor smiled
smugly as he continued
to write on his clipboard,
“Cured her hiccups
though, didn't I?”
The Sign
Submitted by Thomas Hill
The Sheriff pulls up
next to the guy unloading
garbage out of his
pick-up into the ditch.
The Sheriff asked,
"Why are you dumping
garbage in the ditch?
Don't you see that sign
right over your head."
"Yep," he replies.
“That's why I am
dumpin it here, cause it
says 'Fine for dumping
garbage.'”
Uncle Andy’s Digest
48
JULY 2015
...with
Jimbo
783-7039
I forgot how to ride a bike and now I have nothing to compare remembering how to do
things to.
New and used
vehicles...
We are here for you!
I have
the right
payment for
you...
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WE ALSO OFFER MOBILE BANKING, HOME
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Come see us
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www.greatfallsfcu.com
I have the
right rate
for you, too.
*Annual Percentage Rate. Rates & terms are subject to change at anytime. Some conditions and qualifications may apply.
I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high... She seemed surprised.

Life is full of uncertainties...of course, I could be wrong about that.
Out ’n About at
Tree Street Youth
Julia Sleeper, director of
Tree Street Youth in
Lewiston is all smiles
after receiving 60 tickets
to Aquaboggin for a fun
trip later this summer with
the kids who attend the
center.
Tim Rucker of Uncle
Andy’s Digest is shown at
right. The tickets were
courtesy of True OOB.
See their ad on page 30.
Building Shed its Skin
Worry is interest paid on trouble before it is due.
Uncle Andy’s Digest
...with
Jimbo
JULY 2015 UncleAndys.com 49

Deep Thoughts
Submitted by Thomas Hill
Wise men talk because they have something to say, Fools talk because they have to say
something.
From an actual newspaper
contest where
entrants age 4 to 15
were asked to imitate
"Deep Thoughts by
Jack Handey."...
I believe you should
live each day as if it is
your last, which is why
I don't have any clean
laundry because, come
on, who wants to wash
clothes on the last day
of their life? -- Age 15
Give me the strength to
change the things I
can, the grace to accept
the things I cannot,
and a great big
bag of money.
-- Age 13
Democracy is a beautiful
thing, except for that
part about letting just
any old yokel vote.
-- Age 10
For centuries, people
thought the moon was
made of green cheese.
Then the astronauts
found that the moon is
really a big hard rock.
That's what happens to
cheese when you
leave it out. -- Age 6
Think of the biggest
number you can. Now
add five. Then, imagine
if you had that many
Twinkies. Wow, that's
five more than the
biggest number you
could come up with!
-- Age 6
As you make your way
through this hectic
(continued on next page)
Uncle Andy’s Digest
50
JULY 2015
...with
Jimbo
783-7039
Today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.

Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, you won't have a leg to stand on.
Just Darn Good Deals
on all
5¢ returns
✃6 ¢ (must present coupon at
Redemption Center prior to counting)
Expires 7.31.15 (UAD)
DAD’S PLACEREDEMPTION
23 Pleasant St. McFalls • 345-5551
FREE WEEK OF CHILDCARE! *
Plus free registration ($25 value)
*Sign up for 4 consecutive weeks of childcare
Early
Learning
Center
301 Sawyer Rd, Greene • 946-KIDS
✃
and your 5th week is free.
Expires 7.31.15 (UAD)
✃Limit one per customer per visit. Expires 7.31.15 (UAD)
Corner
Variety
Fresh Dough Pizza • Italians • Subs • Daily Specials
207 Lincoln St, Lewiston • 782-9596
Out ’n About at the Business to Business Trade Show
I say
a rose between
two thorns. Some
say it the other way
around. What do
you think? Stop in
at Mac’s and let
us know.
SAVE $ 7.00
2 Large Pizzas PLUS 2-Liter Soda
Only $ 17 .99
ONLY $
5.00
Expires 7.31.15 (UAD)
Dad’s Place
23 Pleasant St, Mechanic Falls
345-5551 • DadsPlace.info
The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those who got there
first.
✃
Dalia Lapinas,
Gerry Gagne &
Danielle Gagne
Mac’s Grill
(continued from previous page)
world of ours, set aside
a few minutes each
day. At the end of the
year, you'll have a couple
of days saved up.
-- Age 7
Often, when I am reading
a good book, I stop
and thank my teacher.
That is, I used to, until
she got an unlisted
number. -- Age 15
It would be terrible if
the Red Cross Bloodmobile
got into an accident.
No, wait. That
would be good because
if anyone
needed it, the blood
would be right there.
-- Age 5
If we could just get
everyone to close their
eyes and visualize
world peace for an
hour, imagine how
serene and quiet it
would be until the looting
started. -- Age 15
The Telegram
Submitted by Thomas Hill
A dog went to a
telegram office, took
out a blank form and
wrote: "Woof. Woof.
Woof. Woof. Woof.
Woof. Woof. Woof."
The clerk examined the
paper and politely told
the dog, "There are
only eight words here.
You could send another
'Woof' for the
same price."
The dog replied, "but
that would make no
sense at all!"
Uncle Andy’s Digest
...with
Jimbo
JULY 2015 UncleAndys.com 51

The road to success is marked with many tempting parking places.
Before
After
Mon.-Thurs. 7am-5pm
Fri. by appointment
Get Dad a
Gift Certificate for
Father’s Day!
Selling Your Vehicle?
A clean car makes for a better
first impression!
Come see us & we’ll help you get MORE
for your vehicle!
Yen-Chang Chen, D.M.D.
Dr. Chen and his staff are dedicated to providing a pleasant, stress-free visit
with results that you will be proud to show off.
Visit us at our state of the art office at:
730 Center St • Auburn (Big Lots) Plaza
783-1351
Same Day Emergency Care
We are a preferred Northeast Delta provider
LIQUID SUNSHINE
CAR WASH & DETAIL
865 Sabattus Street Lewiston • 333-3004
Hours: Mon- Fri 8:30am - 5:00pm • Sat 8:30am - 4:00pm
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UncleAndysDigest.com