A Life in the Day of Nixdown Nixon - The Woody Back to School Unit
A Life in the Day of Nixdown Nixon - The Woody Back to School Unit A Life in the Day of Nixdown Nixon - The Woody Back to School Unit
A Life in the Day of Nixdown Nixon R Humphries Woodettes Publications
- Page 2 and 3: Published 2010 by Woodettes Publica
- Page 4 and 5: Dedicated to My Beloved Jojo
- Page 6 and 7: 1 It Started With a Spanking I wake
- Page 8 and 9: 3 Pen wears her mass of blonde curl
- Page 10 and 11: 2 Degenerate Penny Ann and I have b
- Page 12 and 13: 7 Pen and I were good chums but we
- Page 14 and 15: 3 Thrashed by a Goddess Although my
- Page 16 and 17: 11 I did not take this news well bu
- Page 18 and 19: 13 procured some explosives and fir
- Page 20 and 21: 15 One evening we had arranged to m
- Page 22 and 23: 17 wouldn’t do to have a hobo as
- Page 24 and 25: 19 the odious Goddesses I am not mu
- Page 26 and 27: 21 Early in the piece I was moochin
- Page 28 and 29: 6 Planet Nix Pen and I enjoyed a ic
- Page 30 and 31: 25 demanded that she thrash me with
- Page 32 and 33: 7 Yvonne and Janet I stuck my head
- Page 34 and 35: 29 Now I have absolutely no problem
- Page 36 and 37: 31 The list of assignments includes
- Page 38 and 39: 33 always sign up for a position in
- Page 40 and 41: 35 of being cynical but actually I
- Page 42 and 43: 37 There are numerous workshops ava
- Page 44 and 45: 39 Victoria only allows this to go
- Page 46 and 47: 10 A Case of the Residuals The Gran
- Page 48 and 49: 43 check. He cut her hair back to j
- Page 50 and 51: 11 In Charge of the Hen-House The m
A <strong>Life</strong> <strong>in</strong> <strong>the</strong> <strong>Day</strong><br />
<strong>of</strong><br />
<strong>Nixdown</strong> <strong>Nixon</strong><br />
R Humphries<br />
Woodettes Publications
Published 2010<br />
by<br />
Woodettes Publications<br />
Hous<strong>to</strong>n, Texas, USA<br />
© Woodettes Publications 2010<br />
R Humphries has asserted his right <strong>to</strong> be identified as<br />
<strong>the</strong> author <strong>of</strong> this work with all rights reserved<br />
<strong>in</strong>clud<strong>in</strong>g <strong>the</strong> right <strong>of</strong> reproduction <strong>in</strong> whole or <strong>in</strong> part<br />
<strong>in</strong> any form.<br />
<strong>The</strong> Library <strong>of</strong> Congress has catalogued this edition as<br />
follows Humphries, R [date]<br />
A <strong>Life</strong> <strong>in</strong> <strong>the</strong> <strong>Day</strong> <strong>of</strong> <strong>Nixdown</strong> <strong>Nixon</strong> : a novel by<br />
R Humphries<br />
[Application Pend<strong>in</strong>g]<br />
1st Ed.<br />
ISBN – [Application Pend<strong>in</strong>g]<br />
www.woodettes.wordpress.com
Author’s Note<br />
This is a work <strong>of</strong> fiction. Names, characters,<br />
places and <strong>in</strong>cidents are ei<strong>the</strong>r <strong>the</strong> product <strong>of</strong> <strong>the</strong><br />
author's imag<strong>in</strong>ation or are used fictitiously. Any<br />
resemblance <strong>to</strong> actual events or locales or persons,<br />
liv<strong>in</strong>g or dead, is entirely co<strong>in</strong>cidental.<br />
<strong>The</strong> s<strong>to</strong>ries based at <strong>the</strong> <strong>Woody</strong> <strong>Back</strong> <strong>to</strong> <strong>School</strong><br />
<strong>Unit</strong> are works <strong>of</strong> adult fiction based upon <strong>the</strong> real-life<br />
fantasy games played by <strong>the</strong> author, R. Humphries<br />
and his wife, <strong>the</strong> <strong>in</strong>imitable Jojo.<br />
It is <strong>the</strong> author’s <strong>in</strong>tent <strong>to</strong> create <strong>the</strong> <strong>Woody</strong><br />
<strong>Back</strong> <strong>to</strong> <strong>School</strong> <strong>Unit</strong> as an imag<strong>in</strong>ative world peopled<br />
with a believable cast and set <strong>in</strong> familiar surround<strong>in</strong>gs<br />
with<strong>in</strong> which <strong>the</strong> readers will become comfortable.<br />
<strong>The</strong> vernacular used <strong>in</strong> <strong>the</strong> s<strong>to</strong>ries is a<br />
comb<strong>in</strong>ation <strong>of</strong> <strong>the</strong> phraseology derived from writ<strong>in</strong>g<br />
such as <strong>the</strong> British penny comics from <strong>the</strong> n<strong>in</strong>eteen<br />
thirties, current language, slang and idioms, and <strong>the</strong><br />
<strong>in</strong>vented parlance known as <strong>Woody</strong> Jargon.<br />
As such references <strong>to</strong> ‘beat<strong>in</strong>g’, ‘thrash<strong>in</strong>g’, and<br />
‘flogg<strong>in</strong>g’ have no context <strong>to</strong> <strong>the</strong> use or avocation <strong>of</strong><br />
physical violence, with <strong>the</strong> exception <strong>of</strong> controlled<br />
corporal punishment, aga<strong>in</strong>st <strong>the</strong> characters <strong>of</strong> <strong>the</strong><br />
s<strong>to</strong>ries.
Dedicated<br />
<strong>to</strong><br />
My Beloved Jojo
Contents<br />
It Started With a Spank<strong>in</strong>g ................... 1<br />
Degenerate .......................................... 5<br />
Thrashed by a Goddess ......................... 9<br />
Recreational Spank<strong>in</strong>g ....................... 14<br />
Men<strong>to</strong>r<strong>in</strong>g .......................................... 18<br />
Planet Nix.......................................... 23<br />
Yvonne and Janet ............................... 27<br />
Vic<strong>to</strong>ria and Debs ............................... 32<br />
Red-Card for G<strong>in</strong>ger ........................... 36<br />
A Case <strong>of</strong> <strong>the</strong> Residuals ...................... 41<br />
In Charge <strong>of</strong> <strong>the</strong> Hen-House ............... 45<br />
Rude, Grumpy and Foul-Mou<strong>the</strong>d ........ 49<br />
Fresh from a Whopp<strong>in</strong>g ...................... 53<br />
<strong>The</strong> Troublesome Tw<strong>in</strong>s ...................... 58<br />
A Spank<strong>in</strong>g for Rosie .......................... 62<br />
She Whops Very Hard ......................... 67<br />
Spanky, Christy and Cedric ................. 71<br />
Div<strong>in</strong>ely Bonkers ................................ 76
1<br />
It Started With a Spank<strong>in</strong>g<br />
I wake up <strong>in</strong> a make-shift straw bed <strong>in</strong> <strong>the</strong> tack<br />
room <strong>of</strong> <strong>the</strong> stable complex. It is only five-thirty <strong>in</strong> <strong>the</strong><br />
morn<strong>in</strong>g but I am an early riser. My step-mo<strong>the</strong>r,<br />
Petron, and I used <strong>to</strong> exercise <strong>the</strong> horses at dawn,<br />
along <strong>the</strong> beaches outside our home when I was still<br />
<strong>in</strong> <strong>the</strong> idyllic throes <strong>of</strong> childhood.<br />
Penny Ann is still sleep<strong>in</strong>g and breath<strong>in</strong>g<br />
gently. She has a slightly blissful smile on her face.<br />
I pad barefoot across <strong>to</strong> <strong>the</strong> s<strong>in</strong>k and brush my<br />
teeth and try <strong>to</strong> straighten my hair a little. <strong>The</strong>n I<br />
collect my clobber and quickly dress, do<strong>in</strong>g my best<br />
not <strong>to</strong> disturb Pen.<br />
Once I am fully dressed I lean down and kiss<br />
her gently. Her eyes flicker open and she smiles<br />
sleepily.<br />
“I have <strong>to</strong> run,” I tell her. “I’m on duty at<br />
seven and I need <strong>to</strong> get some c<strong>of</strong>fee and take a<br />
shower. Thanks for last night.”<br />
She gives me a small sleep-giggle. I kiss her<br />
aga<strong>in</strong> and <strong>the</strong>n cut along.
A <strong>Life</strong> <strong>in</strong> <strong>the</strong> <strong>Day</strong> <strong>of</strong> <strong>Nixdown</strong> <strong>Nixon</strong><br />
<strong>The</strong>re is nobody about as I cut across <strong>the</strong><br />
quadrangle and go <strong>in</strong><strong>to</strong> <strong>the</strong> ma<strong>in</strong> house. I head over<br />
<strong>to</strong> <strong>the</strong> cafeteria <strong>in</strong> search <strong>of</strong> java.<br />
I f<strong>in</strong>d Debs Mor<strong>to</strong>n stand<strong>in</strong>g by <strong>the</strong> mach<strong>in</strong>e<br />
wait<strong>in</strong>g for it <strong>to</strong> heat up. She is dressed <strong>in</strong> tra<strong>in</strong><strong>in</strong>g<br />
sweats and is on her way for her morn<strong>in</strong>g run with<br />
Jane Lummell, who is her tennis coach. We <strong>of</strong>ten<br />
meet at this time <strong>of</strong> <strong>the</strong> morn<strong>in</strong>g, me on <strong>the</strong> way<br />
home from my trysts with Pen and Debs <strong>of</strong>f on her<br />
way <strong>to</strong> start her busy day.<br />
She gr<strong>in</strong>s at me, “So how was it?” She asks<br />
cheerily.<br />
“Absolutely div<strong>in</strong>e,” I tell her and I’m not ly<strong>in</strong>g.<br />
My bum is still t<strong>in</strong>gl<strong>in</strong>g deliciously.<br />
We started last even<strong>in</strong>g’s activities with me<br />
stretched out across Penny Ann’s lap for a straightforward,<br />
good old fashioned spank<strong>in</strong>g.<br />
When I arrived at <strong>the</strong> stable Penny Ann was<br />
already wait<strong>in</strong>g. She had lit a number <strong>of</strong> unscented<br />
candles and I could see an ice bucket with a bottle <strong>of</strong><br />
Veuve Clicquot that we would enjoy <strong>in</strong> <strong>the</strong> fullness <strong>of</strong><br />
time.<br />
Penny Ann is a statuesque gal, stand<strong>in</strong>g fivefeet<br />
n<strong>in</strong>e <strong>in</strong>ches <strong>in</strong> her s<strong>to</strong>ck<strong>in</strong>ged feet, which is<br />
somewhat taller than little old me.<br />
She was dressed <strong>in</strong> a black five but<strong>to</strong>n rid<strong>in</strong>g<br />
jacket over a white l<strong>in</strong>en shirt that I bought her <strong>the</strong><br />
o<strong>the</strong>r day and a black silk tie. Her strong legs were<br />
shoe-horned <strong>in</strong><strong>to</strong> form-fitt<strong>in</strong>g charcoal grey jodhpurs<br />
that were tucked <strong>in</strong><strong>to</strong> knee-high black rid<strong>in</strong>g boots.<br />
She was hold<strong>in</strong>g a braided rid<strong>in</strong>g crop between her<br />
gloved hands.
3<br />
Pen wears her mass <strong>of</strong> blonde curls mussed up<br />
on <strong>the</strong> <strong>to</strong>p <strong>of</strong> her head. She has strong features<br />
dom<strong>in</strong>ated by large blue eyes and radiates health.<br />
She is my English rose.<br />
We did not waste time with niceties.<br />
“Remove your blazer and place your hands on<br />
your head,” she <strong>in</strong>structed me as soon as I walked<br />
through <strong>the</strong> door.<br />
Penny Ann is a quiet and gentle gal by nature<br />
but she served a year <strong>in</strong> <strong>the</strong> role <strong>of</strong> Red-shirt at <strong>the</strong><br />
unit and was responsible for discipl<strong>in</strong><strong>in</strong>g hundreds <strong>of</strong><br />
<strong>in</strong>mates. She taught herself <strong>the</strong> art <strong>of</strong> exud<strong>in</strong>g<br />
strength and patrician authority.<br />
I did as I was <strong>to</strong>ld.<br />
Penny s<strong>to</strong>od up and set <strong>the</strong> crop <strong>to</strong> one side.<br />
She <strong>to</strong>ok <strong>of</strong>f her black lea<strong>the</strong>r gloves and slowly<br />
unfastened <strong>the</strong> five but<strong>to</strong>ns down <strong>the</strong> front <strong>of</strong> her<br />
jacket.<br />
<strong>The</strong> stable was quite dark, with just <strong>the</strong><br />
candles flicker<strong>in</strong>g and a little light from <strong>the</strong> moon and<br />
<strong>the</strong> stars. It was serenely silent with <strong>the</strong> only sound<br />
<strong>the</strong> occasional snort from <strong>the</strong> horses <strong>in</strong> <strong>the</strong>ir stalls.<br />
Pen shrugged <strong>of</strong>f her jacket and hung it up<br />
beside my red and black striped blazer.<br />
<strong>The</strong> white cot<strong>to</strong>n and silk material <strong>of</strong> her<br />
blouse clung <strong>to</strong> her upper <strong>to</strong>rso like a second sk<strong>in</strong>.<br />
She was wear<strong>in</strong>g a thick lea<strong>the</strong>r belt around her waist<br />
that accentuated her hour-glass figure. I thought she<br />
looked magnificent.
A <strong>Life</strong> <strong>in</strong> <strong>the</strong> <strong>Day</strong> <strong>of</strong> <strong>Nixdown</strong> <strong>Nixon</strong><br />
She rolled back <strong>the</strong> sleeves <strong>of</strong> her shirt,<br />
unfastened <strong>the</strong> <strong>to</strong>p but<strong>to</strong>n and loosened her tie. She<br />
retrieved her gloves and pulled <strong>the</strong>m on.<br />
She walked over and s<strong>to</strong>od before me. As I<br />
have said she is significantly taller than me and I had<br />
<strong>to</strong> tilt my head upwards <strong>to</strong> meet her coolly steel gaze.<br />
She <strong>to</strong>ld me <strong>to</strong> lower my arms and <strong>the</strong>n <strong>to</strong>ok<br />
me firmly by <strong>the</strong> wrist. “Come with me, young lady,”<br />
she <strong>to</strong>ld me and started <strong>to</strong> stride purposefully across<br />
<strong>the</strong> stables <strong>to</strong>wards a conveniently positioned bale <strong>of</strong><br />
hay.<br />
I had <strong>to</strong> scurry a little <strong>to</strong> keep up <strong>in</strong> order that<br />
I was not be<strong>in</strong>g dragged, which would have been a<br />
tad undignified.<br />
We reached <strong>the</strong> bale <strong>of</strong> hay and she sat down.<br />
In one fluid movement she gave my wrist a tug and<br />
pulled me downwards across her lap.<br />
She was all bus<strong>in</strong>ess, flipp<strong>in</strong>g back my short<br />
skirt and roll<strong>in</strong>g down my bumbags.<br />
“Stretch out,” she commanded. “I <strong>in</strong>tend <strong>to</strong><br />
give you a damn good spank<strong>in</strong>g.”<br />
I shuffled <strong>in</strong><strong>to</strong> position and felt myself be<strong>in</strong>g<br />
pulled tightly <strong>in</strong><strong>to</strong> <strong>the</strong> crease <strong>of</strong> her lap. I feel <strong>the</strong><br />
lea<strong>the</strong>r <strong>of</strong> her glove tapp<strong>in</strong>g down on my upturned<br />
naked flesh and <strong>the</strong>n she raised her arm <strong>in</strong> <strong>the</strong> air<br />
and brought it down with an explosive smack.<br />
It was not long before I felt <strong>the</strong> surface <strong>of</strong> my<br />
bum beg<strong>in</strong>n<strong>in</strong>g <strong>to</strong> warm up delightfully.
2<br />
Degenerate<br />
Penny Ann and I have been an item for nearly<br />
eighteen months now. I know that on <strong>the</strong> face <strong>of</strong> it<br />
we seem an unlikely couple. Penny Ann is ra<strong>the</strong>r<br />
ref<strong>in</strong>ed and reserved, which is <strong>the</strong> complete anti<strong>the</strong>sis<br />
<strong>of</strong> yours truly.<br />
I am well aware that my reputation precedes<br />
me and that Pen’s closest chums counseled her <strong>to</strong><br />
give me a wide berth. I can’t say that I really blame<br />
<strong>the</strong>m as I suppose I have always reveled <strong>in</strong> my<br />
reputation as a degenerate.<br />
Actually I feel that degenerate might be a little<br />
harsh; secretly I prefer <strong>to</strong> consider myself <strong>to</strong> have<br />
liberal tendencies. However, I have k<strong>in</strong>d <strong>of</strong> embraced<br />
<strong>the</strong> notion <strong>of</strong> degeneracy s<strong>in</strong>ce <strong>the</strong> Grand Dame at<br />
one <strong>of</strong> <strong>the</strong> many schools that I attended felt <strong>the</strong> need<br />
<strong>to</strong> publicly denounce me as such <strong>in</strong> a crowded<br />
assembly hall.<br />
We have known each o<strong>the</strong>r for yonks, dat<strong>in</strong>g<br />
back <strong>to</strong> <strong>the</strong> glorious days when we rode competitively<br />
aga<strong>in</strong>st each o<strong>the</strong>r and <strong>the</strong>n on <strong>the</strong> same national
A <strong>Life</strong> <strong>in</strong> <strong>the</strong> <strong>Day</strong> <strong>of</strong> <strong>Nixdown</strong> <strong>Nixon</strong><br />
team that swept <strong>the</strong> cont<strong>in</strong>ent w<strong>in</strong>n<strong>in</strong>g trophies and<br />
rosettes wherever we went. ‘We’ be<strong>in</strong>g Penny Ann,<br />
Jojo, Claire Brooks and I.<br />
Penelope Ann Evans was <strong>the</strong> eldest amongst<br />
us and <strong>the</strong> Capta<strong>in</strong> <strong>of</strong> <strong>the</strong> team. She was always quiet<br />
and reserved but she was a fabulous rider and led by<br />
example.<br />
What a team we were. My dearest, life-long<br />
chum Jojo was <strong>the</strong> heart and soul <strong>of</strong> <strong>the</strong> team. On <strong>the</strong><br />
rare occasions th<strong>in</strong>gs were not go<strong>in</strong>g <strong>to</strong>o well she<br />
would rally us and <strong>in</strong>spire us with her fearless<br />
performances.<br />
Claire Brooks always looked as if she had<br />
stepped <strong>of</strong>f <strong>the</strong> cover <strong>of</strong> Country <strong>Life</strong>. Long and li<strong>the</strong>,<br />
prist<strong>in</strong>e and elegant, and <strong>the</strong>n she would open her<br />
mouth. Claire’s mo<strong>the</strong>r used <strong>to</strong> attend most meets<br />
and I can’t tell you how many times we witnessed<br />
poor old Claire be<strong>in</strong>g unceremoniously yanked across<br />
her mo<strong>the</strong>r’s knees <strong>to</strong> be soundly spanked with a<br />
wood-backed hairbrush for potty-mouth<strong>in</strong>g,<br />
regardless <strong>of</strong> <strong>the</strong> audience.<br />
I was <strong>the</strong> problem-child <strong>of</strong> <strong>the</strong> team due <strong>to</strong> <strong>the</strong><br />
fact I was <strong>of</strong>ten between schools due <strong>to</strong> my<br />
unfortunate habit <strong>of</strong> be<strong>in</strong>g expelled.<br />
When I was unavailable our first reserve Sarah<br />
Forsham-Smy<strong>the</strong> would take my place. Sarah <strong>of</strong><br />
course is <strong>the</strong> daughter <strong>of</strong> <strong>the</strong> billionairess Melissa<br />
Forsham-Smy<strong>the</strong>. Melissa was always apoplectic that<br />
her <strong>of</strong>f-spr<strong>in</strong>g was not a first choice and it is only<br />
recently that we have learned <strong>the</strong> extremes that she<br />
was will<strong>in</strong>g <strong>to</strong> go <strong>to</strong> <strong>in</strong> order for her daughter <strong>to</strong> get<br />
<strong>to</strong> ride <strong>in</strong> <strong>the</strong> Olympics.
7<br />
Pen and I were good chums but we were so<br />
very different I never considered her as a target for a<br />
potential conquest.<br />
We were all gob-smacked when Penny Ann<br />
failed a ur<strong>in</strong>e test before a major event and was<br />
sentenced <strong>to</strong> seven years at <strong>Woody</strong>s under <strong>the</strong><br />
recently enacted Anti-Ladette laws. A more unlikely<br />
Ladette would be hard <strong>to</strong> imag<strong>in</strong>e.<br />
Jojo <strong>to</strong>ok over as Team Capta<strong>in</strong> and Sarah<br />
became a permanent fixture on <strong>the</strong> squad. We had no<br />
idea that with<strong>in</strong> <strong>the</strong> next two years that <strong>the</strong> team<br />
would be decimated and that Jojo, Claire and I would<br />
all be fitted out for clobber.<br />
Around this time Jojo and I started our<br />
Creative Arts company. Jojo concentrated on <strong>the</strong>ater<br />
and <strong>the</strong> production <strong>of</strong> <strong>in</strong>dustrial size sculptures. I had<br />
decided <strong>to</strong> follow <strong>in</strong> my fa<strong>the</strong>r’s footsteps and work<br />
beh<strong>in</strong>d <strong>the</strong> camera.<br />
My fa<strong>the</strong>r is Nicolas <strong>Nixon</strong> and her has been<br />
direct<strong>in</strong>g and produc<strong>in</strong>g movies for over thirty years.<br />
He has never been Hollywood ma<strong>in</strong>stream but his<br />
films have played <strong>to</strong> packed movie houses all over<br />
Europe. He is considered <strong>to</strong> be a cultural icon <strong>in</strong><br />
Czechoslovakia.<br />
I was brought up surrounded by exotic artistic<br />
specimens and none more so than my step-mo<strong>the</strong>r<br />
Petron. I never really knew my birth mo<strong>the</strong>r as she<br />
died <strong>in</strong> a car crash when I was barely able <strong>to</strong> walk.<br />
Petron was my fa<strong>the</strong>r’s muse and had starred<br />
<strong>in</strong> his earliest films and <strong>the</strong>y married two years after<br />
my mo<strong>the</strong>r’s untimely pass<strong>in</strong>g. She is French and
A <strong>Life</strong> <strong>in</strong> <strong>the</strong> <strong>Day</strong> <strong>of</strong> <strong>Nixdown</strong> <strong>Nixon</strong><br />
extraord<strong>in</strong>arily beautiful. She coached me <strong>in</strong> <strong>the</strong> ways<br />
<strong>of</strong> <strong>the</strong> world at a very young age.<br />
I started out mak<strong>in</strong>g music videos. It was<br />
tremendous fun and I fancied myself as a ra<strong>the</strong>r racy<br />
artist work<strong>in</strong>g on <strong>the</strong> cutt<strong>in</strong>g edge. In h<strong>in</strong>dsight those<br />
early videos were somewhat naïve and pedestrian<br />
although at <strong>the</strong> time I considered <strong>the</strong>m <strong>to</strong> be very<br />
risqué.<br />
I had not yet discovered my <strong>in</strong>ner spankette<br />
and it was not until slightly later that I began <strong>to</strong><br />
<strong>in</strong>clude <strong>the</strong> BDSM <strong>the</strong>mes that caused me <strong>to</strong> suffer<br />
considerable harassment from <strong>the</strong> Dark Agents <strong>of</strong> <strong>the</strong><br />
System and were used as an excuse <strong>to</strong> bang me up at<br />
<strong>Woody</strong>s.<br />
In fact I am a ra<strong>the</strong>r unlikely candidate for my<br />
chosen fetish as my early experiences <strong>of</strong> corporal<br />
punishment were far from erotic.
3<br />
Thrashed by a Goddess<br />
Although my fa<strong>the</strong>r ma<strong>in</strong>ta<strong>in</strong>ed a beautiful seashore<br />
house <strong>in</strong> Somerset he and Petron spent much<br />
<strong>of</strong> <strong>the</strong> year <strong>in</strong> Paris and o<strong>the</strong>r European locales. So at<br />
<strong>the</strong> age <strong>of</strong> eleven I was shipped <strong>of</strong>f <strong>to</strong> board<strong>in</strong>g<br />
school. After a childhood <strong>of</strong> travell<strong>in</strong>g with my fa<strong>the</strong>r<br />
and liv<strong>in</strong>g on an unpredictable timetable I was not<br />
best suited <strong>to</strong> <strong>the</strong> rigors and regimen <strong>of</strong> board<strong>in</strong>g<br />
school life.<br />
<strong>The</strong> first <strong>of</strong> <strong>the</strong> schools I attended was<br />
considered amongst <strong>the</strong> most prestigious <strong>in</strong> <strong>the</strong><br />
country and was certa<strong>in</strong>ly amongst <strong>the</strong> most<br />
expensive. It was filled with members <strong>of</strong> <strong>the</strong><br />
aris<strong>to</strong>cracy and <strong>the</strong> daughters <strong>of</strong> <strong>the</strong> landed gentry.<br />
As <strong>the</strong> <strong>of</strong>f-spr<strong>in</strong>g <strong>of</strong> a self-made film direc<strong>to</strong>r I was<br />
looked down upon as a parvenu. <strong>The</strong> gals were a<br />
prissy and self-important lot and none more so than<br />
<strong>the</strong> four gals who were known as ‘<strong>The</strong> Goddesses’.<br />
<strong>The</strong> four Goddesses were comprised <strong>of</strong> <strong>the</strong><br />
Head-Gal and her Deputy and <strong>the</strong> Capta<strong>in</strong>s <strong>of</strong> <strong>the</strong> two<br />
houses. We were expected <strong>to</strong> address <strong>the</strong>m as
A <strong>Life</strong> <strong>in</strong> <strong>the</strong> <strong>Day</strong> <strong>of</strong> <strong>Nixdown</strong> <strong>Nixon</strong><br />
Goddess Ponsonby-Jones, Goddess Seigh<strong>to</strong>n-Holmes,<br />
or whatever <strong>the</strong>ir stuffy names might be.<br />
Nobody seemed <strong>to</strong> th<strong>in</strong>k it <strong>the</strong> least bit queer<br />
<strong>to</strong> have <strong>to</strong> say, “Yes, Goddess,” or “No, Goddess”,<br />
nobody that is except me who considered it<br />
ridiculous.<br />
It was probably from <strong>the</strong>se early experiences<br />
that I developed my sense <strong>of</strong> <strong>the</strong> absurd and <strong>the</strong><br />
healthy cynicism <strong>of</strong> which I am <strong>of</strong>ten accused.<br />
I had not long been at this hell-hole before I<br />
was summoned <strong>to</strong> <strong>the</strong> Head-Gals Chambers.<br />
When I arrived <strong>the</strong> four Goddesses were<br />
wait<strong>in</strong>g for me <strong>in</strong> all <strong>the</strong>ir pompous splendor. <strong>The</strong><br />
Head-Gal, Goddess Ponsonby-Jones did most <strong>of</strong> <strong>the</strong><br />
gabb<strong>in</strong>g, but it turned out that ano<strong>the</strong>r be-yotch,<br />
Goddess Seigh<strong>to</strong>n-Holmes was <strong>the</strong> real villa<strong>in</strong> <strong>of</strong> <strong>the</strong><br />
piece.<br />
I was <strong>in</strong>formed that earlier <strong>in</strong> <strong>the</strong> even<strong>in</strong>g I had<br />
been guilty <strong>of</strong> ‘Gobb<strong>in</strong>g a Goddess’! Apparently I had<br />
passed this be-yotch Seigh<strong>to</strong>n-Holmes <strong>in</strong> <strong>the</strong><br />
quadrangle and had <strong>the</strong> audacity <strong>to</strong> go about my<br />
bus<strong>in</strong>ess without s<strong>to</strong>pp<strong>in</strong>g and say<strong>in</strong>g, “Good even<strong>in</strong>g<br />
Goddess, is <strong>the</strong>re anyth<strong>in</strong>g I can do <strong>to</strong> assist you?”<br />
She had taken this as a personal slight and felt that<br />
she had been well and truly ‘gobbed’ as such behavior<br />
was so qua<strong>in</strong>tly termed.<br />
I remember star<strong>in</strong>g at <strong>the</strong>m as if <strong>the</strong>y were<br />
aliens from a different planet, which <strong>in</strong> many ways<br />
<strong>the</strong>y were. I muttered some form <strong>of</strong> an apology<br />
although I did not feel <strong>in</strong> <strong>the</strong> least bit apologetic, but<br />
it didn’t really matter anyway. A cane was produced<br />
and I was <strong>in</strong>formed that I was <strong>to</strong> be thrashed.
11<br />
I did not take this news well but <strong>the</strong>y gave me<br />
a choice. I could ei<strong>the</strong>r bend over <strong>the</strong> back <strong>of</strong> <strong>the</strong> s<strong>of</strong>a<br />
under my own steam or <strong>the</strong>y would physically hold<br />
me down. Needless <strong>to</strong> say I bent over.<br />
I was so angry that <strong>the</strong> can<strong>in</strong>g itself did not<br />
seem <strong>to</strong> hurt much. Once Ponsonby-Jones was<br />
f<strong>in</strong>ished and I was allowed <strong>to</strong> return <strong>to</strong> <strong>the</strong> upright I<br />
felt I had no option. I hacked her <strong>in</strong> <strong>the</strong> sh<strong>in</strong>s!<br />
This resulted <strong>in</strong> a second can<strong>in</strong>g, which I must<br />
admit did hurt ra<strong>the</strong>r considerably, although I never<br />
let <strong>the</strong>m see that.<br />
This ridiculous <strong>in</strong>cident cultivated my serious<br />
dislike for be<strong>in</strong>g formally punished which cont<strong>in</strong>ues <strong>to</strong><br />
this day. I felt that it was ridiculous that <strong>the</strong>se beyotch’s<br />
had <strong>the</strong> power <strong>to</strong> bend me over and beat my<br />
arse with a whippy rattan cane.<br />
My stay at <strong>the</strong> school was an unhappy one, I<br />
was at constant war with <strong>the</strong> Goddesses and gobbed<br />
<strong>the</strong>m at every opportunity. <strong>The</strong>y, <strong>of</strong> course, thrashed<br />
me whenever <strong>the</strong>y had a chance. I always felt <strong>the</strong><br />
need <strong>to</strong> retaliate with sh<strong>in</strong>-hack<strong>in</strong>g which always<br />
guaranteed me a few more strokes.<br />
I actually rema<strong>in</strong>ed enrolled at <strong>the</strong> school for<br />
almost three years. I th<strong>in</strong>k that my fa<strong>the</strong>r’s generous<br />
gifts <strong>of</strong> new libraries and extensions <strong>to</strong> <strong>the</strong> facilities<br />
had more <strong>to</strong> do with that than <strong>the</strong>ir desire <strong>to</strong> reta<strong>in</strong><br />
me as a pupil. After all my fa<strong>the</strong>r probably had more<br />
loot than <strong>the</strong> comb<strong>in</strong>ed chaps <strong>of</strong> <strong>the</strong> aris<strong>to</strong>cratic<br />
bumpk<strong>in</strong>s put <strong>to</strong>ge<strong>the</strong>r.<br />
I was thrashed fifteen times dur<strong>in</strong>g my stay.<br />
That may not seem a lot when compared <strong>to</strong> <strong>the</strong><br />
records <strong>of</strong> my dear chums Debs, Claire and <strong>the</strong><br />
Bounder but <strong>to</strong> put it <strong>in</strong> perspective most girls at <strong>the</strong>
A <strong>Life</strong> <strong>in</strong> <strong>the</strong> <strong>Day</strong> <strong>of</strong> <strong>Nixdown</strong> <strong>Nixon</strong><br />
school went through entire careers gett<strong>in</strong>g <strong>the</strong> cane<br />
only once or twice, so clearly I was not popular with<br />
<strong>the</strong> be-yotch Goddesses.<br />
Not that my time was entirely wasted. I wiled<br />
away my time by hon<strong>in</strong>g my art <strong>of</strong> seduction and<br />
subsidized my allowance giv<strong>in</strong>g lessons <strong>in</strong> Frenchkiss<strong>in</strong>g<br />
and <strong>the</strong> f<strong>in</strong>e art <strong>of</strong> cunnil<strong>in</strong>gus.<br />
Eventually I was booted out and started a<br />
ra<strong>the</strong>r peripatetic education. Most schools were loa<strong>the</strong><br />
<strong>to</strong> enroll somebody who had an expulsion on <strong>the</strong>ir<br />
records. I was generally taken on for a probationary<br />
period and was rarely <strong>in</strong>vited <strong>to</strong> extend my stay.<br />
I picked up a few more can<strong>in</strong>gs along <strong>the</strong> way<br />
and my sh<strong>in</strong>-kick<strong>in</strong>g responses generally sped up my<br />
early evictions.<br />
My f<strong>in</strong>al educational hoorah was ra<strong>the</strong>r<br />
spectacular. I had been enrolled at yet ano<strong>the</strong>r prissy<br />
<strong>in</strong>stitute and had immediately busied myself with<br />
seduc<strong>in</strong>g several members <strong>of</strong> <strong>the</strong> Upper Sixth form.<br />
Unfortunately I fell foul <strong>of</strong> <strong>the</strong> Headgirl.<br />
She was hanker<strong>in</strong>g for a little Nicola Jane<br />
action but I refused her overtures. After all she had<br />
recently bent me over for six <strong>of</strong> <strong>the</strong> best and I had<br />
standards, bedd<strong>in</strong>g down with her would have been<br />
tantamount <strong>to</strong> sleep<strong>in</strong>g with <strong>the</strong> enemy.<br />
She <strong>to</strong>ok out her spite by report<strong>in</strong>g my<br />
activities <strong>to</strong> <strong>the</strong> Grand Dame and one morn<strong>in</strong>g I was<br />
summoned on<strong>to</strong> <strong>the</strong> stage <strong>in</strong> morn<strong>in</strong>g assembly and<br />
publicly denounced as a degenerate. I was caned <strong>in</strong><br />
front <strong>of</strong> <strong>the</strong> whole school.<br />
I felt I had little choice but <strong>to</strong> retaliate and for<br />
once I didn’t consider sh<strong>in</strong>-hack<strong>in</strong>g <strong>to</strong> be <strong>the</strong><br />
appropriate response <strong>to</strong> be<strong>in</strong>g publicly caned so I
13<br />
procured some explosives and fire-bombed <strong>the</strong> beyotch’s<br />
car. Sadly she wasn’t <strong>in</strong> it.<br />
As you can tell I was an unlikely candidate for<br />
develop<strong>in</strong>g a penchant for recreational spank<strong>in</strong>g.
4<br />
Recreational Spank<strong>in</strong>g<br />
Penny Ann did not hold back. She knows my<br />
tastes and knows that I do not spend time across her<br />
knee’s <strong>to</strong> <strong>in</strong>dulge <strong>in</strong> a gentle paddy-whack<strong>in</strong>g.<br />
She had me tucked <strong>in</strong><strong>to</strong> <strong>the</strong> crease <strong>of</strong> her lap<br />
with her arm around my waist. I couldn’t have<br />
escaped if I had wanted <strong>to</strong>. Penelope Ann is<br />
phenomenally strong. She was brought up on a farm<br />
<strong>in</strong> East Anglia and despite her chaps be<strong>in</strong>g wellheeled<br />
and hav<strong>in</strong>g plenty <strong>of</strong> staff she was expected <strong>to</strong><br />
lend a hand <strong>in</strong> work<strong>in</strong>g <strong>the</strong> land.<br />
I love <strong>the</strong> feel<strong>in</strong>g <strong>of</strong> her lea<strong>the</strong>r gloved palm<br />
rebound<strong>in</strong>g from my naked flesh. I love <strong>the</strong> sensual<br />
lea<strong>the</strong>r <strong>in</strong>fused smell <strong>of</strong> <strong>the</strong> tack-room and <strong>the</strong><br />
flicker<strong>in</strong>g candle-light. I was <strong>in</strong> <strong>Nixdown</strong> heaven and<br />
<strong>the</strong> night had only just begun.<br />
My first foray <strong>in</strong><strong>to</strong> recreational spank<strong>in</strong>g was<br />
not actually that recreational at all.<br />
I was work<strong>in</strong>g on my first movie as an<br />
assistant direc<strong>to</strong>r and dat<strong>in</strong>g one <strong>of</strong> <strong>the</strong> camera-men,<br />
a hunk <strong>of</strong> a chap.
15<br />
One even<strong>in</strong>g we had arranged <strong>to</strong> meet for<br />
d<strong>in</strong>ner and for reasons long forgotten I was several<br />
hours late. He was furious and when we got back <strong>to</strong><br />
his apartment he put me over his knee, flipped back<br />
my skirt and gave me a damn good spank<strong>in</strong>g.<br />
Needless <strong>to</strong> say I was outraged and responded<br />
<strong>in</strong> typical <strong>Nixdown</strong> fashion by hack<strong>in</strong>g him <strong>in</strong> <strong>the</strong><br />
sh<strong>in</strong>s, slapp<strong>in</strong>g him around <strong>the</strong> kisser and s<strong>to</strong>rm<strong>in</strong>g<br />
<strong>of</strong>f <strong>in</strong> a high old snit.<br />
However, when I got home I found myself<br />
curiously aroused by <strong>the</strong> memory and found it<br />
impossible <strong>to</strong> sleep. <strong>The</strong>re was noth<strong>in</strong>g else for it, I<br />
returned <strong>to</strong> his apartment and demanded that he<br />
Rodger my eyes out, but only after he had put me<br />
over his knee for a second time a spanked me until I<br />
squeaked. <strong>The</strong> rest as <strong>the</strong>y say is his<strong>to</strong>ry.<br />
<strong>The</strong> heat <strong>in</strong> my bot<strong>to</strong>m was grow<strong>in</strong>g <strong>in</strong><br />
<strong>in</strong>tensity and I could not help but wriggle and squirm<br />
a little under <strong>the</strong> deluge <strong>of</strong> spanks. As I squirmed I<br />
could feel <strong>the</strong> s<strong>of</strong>tness <strong>of</strong> <strong>the</strong> fabric <strong>of</strong> my blouse<br />
aga<strong>in</strong>st <strong>the</strong> flesh <strong>of</strong> my tummy, it was a deliciously<br />
exotic sensation.<br />
Recently my clobber consultant sent me<br />
samples <strong>of</strong> a new fabric she had found at one <strong>of</strong> my<br />
favorite tailors <strong>in</strong> <strong>the</strong> backstreets <strong>of</strong> Ho Chi M<strong>in</strong>h City.<br />
It is basically two layers bonded <strong>to</strong>ge<strong>the</strong>r. <strong>The</strong><br />
external layer <strong>of</strong> <strong>the</strong> garment is a crisp cot<strong>to</strong>n that<br />
holds its creases perfectly and its stiffened collar is<br />
perfectly spread <strong>to</strong> accent a well-knotted tie. <strong>The</strong><br />
secondary <strong>in</strong>ternal l<strong>in</strong><strong>in</strong>g is a beautiful s<strong>of</strong>t and<br />
luscious silk.
A <strong>Life</strong> <strong>in</strong> <strong>the</strong> <strong>Day</strong> <strong>of</strong> <strong>Nixdown</strong> <strong>Nixon</strong><br />
My chums josh me about my passion for<br />
clobber but anybody who tries out well crafted<br />
clobber is an <strong>in</strong>stant convert.<br />
My chum Deborah Mor<strong>to</strong>n has always been<br />
someth<strong>in</strong>g <strong>of</strong> a hobo. Even when she was famous and<br />
always <strong>in</strong> <strong>the</strong> newspapers she always hid under<br />
baseball caps, over-sized lea<strong>the</strong>r jackets and sweatpants.<br />
<strong>The</strong> only th<strong>in</strong>g that she ever seemed <strong>to</strong> spend<br />
any money on was cowboy boots, <strong>of</strong> which she has<br />
an extensive collection.<br />
At <strong>Woody</strong>s she was amongst <strong>the</strong> most clobber<br />
challenged gals <strong>in</strong> <strong>the</strong> unit and <strong>to</strong>ok numerous<br />
unnecessary excursions over Katie Becks lap <strong>to</strong> have<br />
her rump roasted with a lea<strong>the</strong>r soled slipper for<br />
clobber abuse. I put it down <strong>to</strong> that cheap catalogue<br />
crap she <strong>in</strong>sists on buy<strong>in</strong>g. It is a shame really<br />
because she is a pretty little th<strong>in</strong>g and I always<br />
thought that she would brush up nicely.<br />
When Deborah was promoted <strong>to</strong> Deputy Redshirt<br />
I decided that it was time <strong>to</strong> take her <strong>in</strong> hand. I<br />
flew my clobber consultant out <strong>to</strong> Ibiza, where we<br />
were all spend<strong>in</strong>g furlough, and had Debs measured<br />
up for tailored clobber. She made a terrible fuss about<br />
<strong>the</strong> expense. It is not that she is a tight-wad but she<br />
is squirrel<strong>in</strong>g away every penny <strong>to</strong> support herself and<br />
her team when she returns <strong>to</strong> <strong>the</strong> tennis circuit next<br />
year. I reassured her that my fa<strong>the</strong>r had generously<br />
approved <strong>the</strong> ‘Mor<strong>to</strong>n Makeover’ budget. She f<strong>in</strong>ally<br />
ra<strong>the</strong>r poutily succumbed and now she is a convert <strong>to</strong><br />
my style <strong>of</strong> radical chic. This is fortunate because<br />
she’s back <strong>in</strong> <strong>the</strong> news <strong>the</strong>se days and is perceived as<br />
an icon for <strong>the</strong> zeitgeist <strong>of</strong> Whops and Clobber and it
17<br />
wouldn’t do <strong>to</strong> have a hobo as our representative. But<br />
I digress.<br />
Penny Ann rearranged me <strong>in</strong> her lap, mak<strong>in</strong>g<br />
sure that I was teed up and primed. I knew what <strong>to</strong><br />
expect. She was prepar<strong>in</strong>g <strong>to</strong> blitz me.<br />
<strong>The</strong> blitz is really <strong>the</strong> heart and soul <strong>of</strong> a<br />
spank<strong>in</strong>g. She had been slowly and methodically<br />
smack<strong>in</strong>g my bot<strong>to</strong>m <strong>in</strong> a predictable tempo, work<strong>in</strong>g<br />
up one cheek and back down <strong>the</strong> o<strong>the</strong>r. Every spank<br />
designed <strong>to</strong> build up <strong>the</strong> heat and <strong>in</strong>crease <strong>the</strong><br />
discoloration <strong>of</strong> my sitmedown. By <strong>the</strong>n I was deep <strong>in</strong><br />
<strong>the</strong> zone and perfectly mentally prepared <strong>to</strong> be<br />
blitzed.<br />
Actually no matter how experienced or whop<br />
hardened you become you are never truly prepared <strong>to</strong><br />
be blitzed. <strong>The</strong> spanks ra<strong>in</strong>ed down fast and furious. I<br />
couldn’t help myself, I gyrated and kicked my legs<br />
spastically. I punched <strong>the</strong> air and shook my head <strong>in</strong><br />
bewilderment as her lea<strong>the</strong>r hand landed randomly <strong>in</strong><br />
an alarm<strong>in</strong>gly unpredictable manner. A blitz attack<br />
may only last a few seconds but it seems like an<br />
eternity.<br />
I lay pant<strong>in</strong>g and <strong>in</strong>ert across her knees try<strong>in</strong>g<br />
<strong>to</strong> get my breath back and <strong>to</strong> s<strong>to</strong>p my pound<strong>in</strong>g heart<br />
from leap<strong>in</strong>g out from below my blouse. It was a<br />
dizzy<strong>in</strong>g sensation and I was <strong>in</strong> <strong>Nixdown</strong> heaven. It<br />
was clearly time for champagne.
5<br />
Men<strong>to</strong>r<strong>in</strong>g<br />
Debs takes <strong>of</strong>f for her run and I pour two cups<br />
<strong>of</strong> c<strong>of</strong>fee, one for me and one for Jojo. We don’t<br />
actually share a study anymore now that we have<br />
been elevated <strong>to</strong> <strong>the</strong> giddy heights <strong>of</strong> <strong>the</strong> Elite but old<br />
habits die hard.<br />
I cut through <strong>the</strong> labyr<strong>in</strong>th <strong>of</strong> wood-floored,<br />
oak-paneled corridors <strong>to</strong>wards <strong>the</strong> back stairwell that<br />
will take me up <strong>to</strong> <strong>the</strong> private land<strong>in</strong>g reserved for <strong>the</strong><br />
studies <strong>of</strong> <strong>the</strong> gals <strong>in</strong> Phase 7 <strong>of</strong> our sentences.<br />
Nobody is about yet and <strong>the</strong> only sound is <strong>the</strong> click <strong>of</strong><br />
my heels that echo ra<strong>the</strong>r eerily around <strong>the</strong> huge<br />
build<strong>in</strong>g.<br />
Today I am <strong>the</strong> designated Duty Moni<strong>to</strong>r and<br />
will be responsible for assist<strong>in</strong>g Lady Vic<strong>to</strong>ria<br />
Bromp<strong>to</strong>n and Debs <strong>in</strong> adm<strong>in</strong>istrat<strong>in</strong>g and ma<strong>in</strong>ta<strong>in</strong><strong>in</strong>g<br />
discipl<strong>in</strong>e over <strong>the</strong> <strong>in</strong>mates. As it is Saturday this will<br />
be a full-time job as <strong>the</strong>re are no lectures convened<br />
over <strong>the</strong> weekends. As usual I shall concentrate on<br />
adm<strong>in</strong>istration and will leave <strong>the</strong> discipl<strong>in</strong>e part <strong>of</strong> <strong>the</strong><br />
equation <strong>to</strong> Vix and Debs. After my experiences with
19<br />
<strong>the</strong> odious Goddesses I am not much <strong>in</strong>cl<strong>in</strong>ed <strong>to</strong>wards<br />
wield<strong>in</strong>g that type <strong>of</strong> power and authority.<br />
None<strong>the</strong>less, I do understand <strong>the</strong> need for<br />
discipl<strong>in</strong>e <strong>in</strong> a facility such as this. Now we could<br />
argue until k<strong>in</strong>gdom comes over <strong>the</strong> rights and<br />
wrongs <strong>of</strong> <strong>the</strong> Anti-Ladette laws but <strong>the</strong> fact <strong>of</strong> <strong>the</strong><br />
matter is that <strong>the</strong> government, with <strong>the</strong> support <strong>of</strong><br />
<strong>the</strong> Great Unwashed, <strong>to</strong>ok a dim view <strong>of</strong> our freewheel<strong>in</strong>g<br />
activities and deemed us <strong>to</strong> be need <strong>of</strong><br />
Extreme Social Rehabilitation. I may th<strong>in</strong>k that this is<br />
all fabricated <strong>to</strong>sh and doubtless his<strong>to</strong>ry will prove me<br />
right. However, when we started our sentences <strong>the</strong><br />
rules, regulations and pro<strong>to</strong>cols were drummed <strong>in</strong><strong>to</strong><br />
us, or more accurately spanked <strong>in</strong><strong>to</strong> us, and with<br />
great vigor.<br />
Dur<strong>in</strong>g <strong>the</strong> first year <strong>of</strong> our sentences we were<br />
known as Little Brats and designated as Grubbies.<br />
Be<strong>in</strong>g a Grubby meant that you were assigned <strong>to</strong> a<br />
member <strong>of</strong> <strong>the</strong> Elite <strong>to</strong> act as her fuck<strong>in</strong>g serf <strong>in</strong><br />
return for her men<strong>to</strong>r<strong>in</strong>g services.<br />
Men<strong>to</strong>r<strong>in</strong>g services <strong>in</strong>cluded drap<strong>in</strong>g us. By<br />
drap<strong>in</strong>g I mean turn<strong>in</strong>g us face down, arse upwards<br />
while <strong>the</strong>y dusted our bumbags. Our men<strong>to</strong>r was also<br />
waggishly known as our Personal Draper.<br />
I was assigned <strong>to</strong> be men<strong>to</strong>red by <strong>the</strong><br />
monstrous be-yotch Katie Beck, while she was still an<br />
<strong>in</strong>mate at <strong>the</strong> facility.<br />
Now let’s get someth<strong>in</strong>g straight, Katie Beck<br />
was a hard-core crim<strong>in</strong>al and well-known <strong>to</strong> have<br />
been <strong>the</strong> first female senior vice-president <strong>of</strong> <strong>the</strong><br />
Confederacy <strong>of</strong> Yo<strong>of</strong>s. How she managed <strong>to</strong> f<strong>in</strong>agle<br />
her way <strong>in</strong><strong>to</strong> be<strong>in</strong>g charged under <strong>the</strong> Anti-Ladette<br />
laws <strong>in</strong>stead <strong>of</strong> be<strong>in</strong>g carted <strong>of</strong>f wear<strong>in</strong>g a ball and
A <strong>Life</strong> <strong>in</strong> <strong>the</strong> <strong>Day</strong> <strong>of</strong> <strong>Nixdown</strong> <strong>Nixon</strong><br />
cha<strong>in</strong> <strong>to</strong> do hard labor is one <strong>of</strong> <strong>the</strong> great mysteries <strong>of</strong><br />
life kept classified by <strong>the</strong> darkest <strong>of</strong> <strong>the</strong> Dark Agents.<br />
<strong>The</strong> rules, regulations and pro<strong>to</strong>cols are<br />
conta<strong>in</strong>ed <strong>in</strong> mighty <strong>to</strong>mes and dur<strong>in</strong>g our first week<br />
at <strong>the</strong> facility we were required <strong>to</strong> learn <strong>the</strong>m by<br />
heart, our men<strong>to</strong>r could spot test us any time she<br />
chose.<br />
Katie, <strong>of</strong> course, elected <strong>to</strong> test me regularly<br />
and regardless <strong>of</strong> whe<strong>the</strong>r I gave <strong>the</strong> correct<br />
responses or not she always found a reason <strong>to</strong> yank<br />
me over her knee and dust me liberally. Now this type<br />
<strong>of</strong> behavior is guaranteed <strong>to</strong> give a gal <strong>of</strong> my<br />
temperament a severe dose <strong>of</strong> <strong>the</strong> pip so I resorted<br />
<strong>to</strong> my tried and trusted skill <strong>in</strong> sh<strong>in</strong>-hack<strong>in</strong>g.<br />
This made for an acrimonious relationship.<br />
Katie knew that she could not very well report me as<br />
most <strong>of</strong> <strong>the</strong> dust<strong>in</strong>gs were completely unjustified. We<br />
began a war <strong>of</strong> attrition.<br />
Katie is a queer cove by any standards. She is<br />
<strong>of</strong> course knock down beautiful with that mane <strong>of</strong><br />
hair, bright blue eyes and a body <strong>to</strong> die for. She is<br />
also a cruel, nasty and odious specimen <strong>of</strong> humanity.<br />
In ano<strong>the</strong>r <strong>of</strong> life’s mysteries she had done<br />
some more f<strong>in</strong>agl<strong>in</strong>g and had got herself elected as<br />
Red-shirt. This was due <strong>to</strong> <strong>the</strong> fact that dur<strong>in</strong>g <strong>the</strong><br />
early part <strong>of</strong> her sentence her chaps had died <strong>in</strong> a car<br />
crash and Ms Law<strong>to</strong>n had taken over responsibility for<br />
act<strong>in</strong>g as her Court Appo<strong>in</strong>ted Guardian. Unwisely Ms<br />
Law<strong>to</strong>n had decided that giv<strong>in</strong>g Katie responsibility<br />
might <strong>in</strong>crease her ward’s chances <strong>of</strong> becom<strong>in</strong>g<br />
socially rehabilitated. Snakes do not become socially<br />
rehabilitated and Katie is a fuck<strong>in</strong>g viper.
21<br />
Early <strong>in</strong> <strong>the</strong> piece I was mooch<strong>in</strong>g about her<br />
study grubb<strong>in</strong>g and overheard her gabb<strong>in</strong>g with her<br />
sycophantic confidantes. She was boast<strong>in</strong>g that she<br />
<strong>in</strong>tended <strong>to</strong> thrash every <strong>in</strong>mate at <strong>the</strong> facility with<strong>in</strong><br />
her first hundred days <strong>of</strong> <strong>of</strong>fice. Accord<strong>in</strong>g <strong>to</strong> <strong>the</strong><br />
record books she achieved this <strong>in</strong> half <strong>the</strong> time.<br />
Katie and I fought constantly. She is much<br />
bigger than me but she is a vile bully and basically a<br />
coward. On several occasions I managed <strong>to</strong> scratch<br />
her face leav<strong>in</strong>g her <strong>to</strong> try and expla<strong>in</strong> her<br />
disfigurement <strong>to</strong> Ms Law<strong>to</strong>n.<br />
She <strong>in</strong> turn responded by habitually yank<strong>in</strong>g<br />
down my bumbags and spank<strong>in</strong>g me relentlessly. This<br />
was strictly aga<strong>in</strong>st <strong>the</strong> pro<strong>to</strong>cols but it did earn me<br />
<strong>the</strong> nickname <strong>of</strong> <strong>Nixdown</strong> <strong>Nixon</strong>.<br />
I could have appealed but any such application<br />
had <strong>to</strong> be filed with Patricia Hodge, <strong>the</strong> Deputy Grand<br />
Dame. Patty is ano<strong>the</strong>r vile and odious specimen and,<br />
<strong>of</strong> course, she was Katie’s personal sponsor and<br />
men<strong>to</strong>r. With that avenue closed <strong>to</strong> me I cont<strong>in</strong>ued<br />
with my sh<strong>in</strong>-kick<strong>in</strong>g strategy.<br />
Now that I am <strong>in</strong> <strong>the</strong> Elite I have my own<br />
grubby. I was assigned a fabulous young lady called<br />
Francesca Reese. Frankie was an <strong>in</strong>dependent actress<br />
before she fell foul <strong>of</strong> <strong>the</strong> Dark Agents. She is best<br />
known for her on-screen delivery <strong>of</strong> Lady Macbeth’s<br />
sleepwalk<strong>in</strong>g soliloquy while as naked as a jay-bird.<br />
She has been an occasional bone <strong>of</strong> contention<br />
between me and Penny Ann, who ra<strong>the</strong>r distrustfully<br />
suspects that I have my eye on my grubby. This<br />
understandable as Frankie is someth<strong>in</strong>g <strong>to</strong> behold
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with her mane <strong>of</strong> golden amulets that pour down her<br />
back. However, she doesn’t need <strong>to</strong> worry as for once<br />
<strong>in</strong> my degenerate life I have made a pact with myself<br />
that I will never do anyth<strong>in</strong>g that would hurt Penny<br />
Ann.
6<br />
Planet Nix<br />
Pen and I enjoyed a icy glass <strong>of</strong> bubbles. She<br />
sat on a bale <strong>of</strong> hay; I lay on my tummy at her feet. I<br />
may be <strong>Nixdown</strong>, woman <strong>of</strong> steel, but my bum was<br />
sizzl<strong>in</strong>g and sitt<strong>in</strong>g down did not strike me as a<br />
particularly attractive proposition.<br />
My bum was burn<strong>in</strong>g delightfully. <strong>The</strong>re was no<br />
need <strong>to</strong> hurry th<strong>in</strong>gs. <strong>The</strong> night was still young and<br />
nobody was go<strong>in</strong>g <strong>to</strong> bo<strong>the</strong>r us <strong>in</strong> our sanctuary and I<br />
wanted <strong>to</strong> savor <strong>the</strong> moment while I sipped my<br />
favorite tipple.<br />
Penny Ann picked up <strong>the</strong> lea<strong>the</strong>r rid<strong>in</strong>g crop<br />
and <strong>to</strong>yed with it teas<strong>in</strong>gly <strong>in</strong> her gloved hands. She<br />
was <strong>to</strong>tally relaxed <strong>in</strong> our private world and she<br />
looked magnificent <strong>in</strong> her sk<strong>in</strong> hugg<strong>in</strong>g shirt with her<br />
tie slightly loosened.<br />
<strong>The</strong> crop she was hold<strong>in</strong>g is one <strong>of</strong> my<br />
favorites. It is a v<strong>in</strong>tage piece with a braided pig-sk<strong>in</strong><br />
covered shaft and a engraved silver niello handle,<br />
f<strong>in</strong>ished with a horn knob.<br />
I have been collect<strong>in</strong>g crops obsessively s<strong>in</strong>ce I<br />
was very young and started rid<strong>in</strong>g, long before I had
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any <strong>in</strong>kl<strong>in</strong>g <strong>of</strong> my persuasion. I suspect that a trick<br />
cyclist might make someth<strong>in</strong>g <strong>of</strong> <strong>the</strong> <strong>in</strong>ner<br />
mechanisms <strong>of</strong> my subconscious but I am not a great<br />
one for shr<strong>in</strong>ks. I spent a large part <strong>of</strong> my youth <strong>in</strong><br />
various doc<strong>to</strong>r’s wait<strong>in</strong>g rooms when <strong>the</strong> authorities<br />
were try<strong>in</strong>g <strong>to</strong> unveil some dark secret beh<strong>in</strong>d my<br />
compulsion with sh<strong>in</strong>-hack<strong>in</strong>g. I bamboozled <strong>the</strong>m<br />
with a shed-full <strong>of</strong> porkies. As far as I was concerned<br />
my compulsion was a perfectly natural reaction <strong>to</strong><br />
hav<strong>in</strong>g my bot<strong>to</strong>m whipped by some snotty be-yotch<br />
with a cane <strong>in</strong> her hand.<br />
I s<strong>to</strong>od up and fetched <strong>the</strong> bottle and<br />
refreshed <strong>the</strong> glasses. Pen swished <strong>the</strong> crop through<br />
<strong>the</strong> air playfully. It made a threaten<strong>in</strong>g whistle. She<br />
smiled at me and w<strong>in</strong>ked.<br />
Penny Ann has grown <strong>to</strong> be at ease with <strong>the</strong><br />
dynamic <strong>of</strong> our relationship. It <strong>to</strong>ok her a little time <strong>to</strong><br />
f<strong>in</strong>d her comfort zone but <strong>the</strong>se days she is quite<br />
happy gett<strong>in</strong>g her kicks on Nix-Sixty-Six.<br />
When we first started <strong>to</strong> play <strong>to</strong>ge<strong>the</strong>r I’m sure<br />
that I confused Pen. She was <strong>the</strong> Red-shirt <strong>of</strong> <strong>the</strong><br />
facility and on two occasions she had been required<br />
<strong>to</strong> dangle me <strong>in</strong> <strong>the</strong> discipl<strong>in</strong>ary <strong>the</strong>ater. By be<strong>in</strong>g<br />
dangled I am referr<strong>in</strong>g <strong>to</strong> be<strong>in</strong>g put across her knee,<br />
upstairs <strong>in</strong> <strong>the</strong> library, and be<strong>in</strong>g spanked on my bare<br />
bum with <strong>the</strong> back <strong>of</strong> a long-handled, oval-headed,<br />
wood-backed hairbrush. As I have said earlier I do<br />
not take this type <strong>of</strong> punishment well and accord<strong>in</strong>g<br />
<strong>to</strong> Penelope Ann I was ra<strong>the</strong>r grumpy dur<strong>in</strong>g <strong>the</strong>se<br />
<strong>in</strong>cidents. As a result she was understandably<br />
bewildered when I <strong>in</strong>vited her <strong>to</strong> <strong>the</strong> stables and
25<br />
demanded that she thrash me with a lea<strong>the</strong>r rid<strong>in</strong>g<br />
crop.<br />
It didn’t take her long <strong>to</strong> get tuned <strong>in</strong><strong>to</strong> Planet<br />
Nix and when I’m face downwards across her lap I<br />
am always confident that she will not wimp out and<br />
hold back.<br />
Yesterday even<strong>in</strong>g she was <strong>the</strong> Mistress <strong>of</strong> my<br />
dest<strong>in</strong>y and it was up <strong>to</strong> her <strong>to</strong> set <strong>the</strong> pace.<br />
“Come here,” she <strong>to</strong>ld me.<br />
I set my glass <strong>to</strong> one side and s<strong>to</strong>od up.<br />
Without need<strong>in</strong>g any fur<strong>the</strong>r <strong>in</strong>struction I <strong>of</strong>fered her<br />
my wrist so that she could assist me as I arranged<br />
myself across her knees.<br />
She turned back my skirt and rearranged my<br />
bumbags until <strong>the</strong>y were concert<strong>in</strong>aed around my<br />
ankles. She stroked my red and swollen bum with <strong>the</strong><br />
over-sized slapper at <strong>the</strong> tip <strong>of</strong> <strong>the</strong> crop and allowed<br />
me some time <strong>to</strong> settle <strong>in</strong>.<br />
<strong>The</strong>re was absolutely no question that <strong>the</strong> next<br />
few m<strong>in</strong>utes were go<strong>in</strong>g <strong>to</strong> become extremely hot and<br />
sweaty. <strong>The</strong> whippy braided shaft would slice my<br />
flesh like a knife cutt<strong>in</strong>g through ripe fruit. I was<br />
almost delirious with raw adrenal<strong>in</strong> and anticipation.<br />
Without warn<strong>in</strong>g she slashed <strong>the</strong> crop<br />
downwards and my body was <strong>in</strong>stantly wracked by<br />
paroxysms <strong>of</strong> agony which my bra<strong>in</strong> translated <strong>in</strong><strong>to</strong><br />
pure ecstasy. I was immediately hurtled on my way <strong>to</strong><br />
Planet Nix.<br />
In my op<strong>in</strong>ion a braided rid<strong>in</strong>g crop is a perfect<br />
<strong>in</strong>strument for deliver<strong>in</strong>g a whipp<strong>in</strong>g. It’s relatively
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short shaft makes it ideal for close-up over <strong>the</strong> knee<br />
work. <strong>The</strong> slightly stiff shaft and <strong>the</strong> flexible slapper<br />
at <strong>the</strong> tip work <strong>to</strong>ge<strong>the</strong>r <strong>to</strong> impart <strong>the</strong> most exquisite<br />
comb<strong>in</strong>ation <strong>of</strong> smart and st<strong>in</strong>g.<br />
Now I have <strong>to</strong> admit that I am <strong>in</strong> <strong>the</strong> m<strong>in</strong>ority<br />
<strong>in</strong> my taste for <strong>the</strong> crop. At one time or ano<strong>the</strong>r most<br />
gals have been required <strong>to</strong> fold <strong>the</strong>mselves over Ms<br />
Lummell, <strong>the</strong> rid<strong>in</strong>g <strong>in</strong>struc<strong>to</strong>r’s, knee so that <strong>the</strong><br />
jodhpurs can be rolled down and <strong>the</strong>ir h<strong>in</strong>dquarters<br />
tickled with <strong>the</strong>ir own crops. Accord<strong>in</strong>g <strong>to</strong> a recent<br />
poll on <strong>the</strong> GalGab web-site this particular form <strong>of</strong><br />
punishment rated very low on most <strong>of</strong> <strong>the</strong> <strong>in</strong>mates’<br />
wish-list.<br />
Pen was putt<strong>in</strong>g her arm <strong>in</strong><strong>to</strong> it. Dur<strong>in</strong>g her<br />
period as Red-shirt she earned a respectable<br />
reputation for her prowess with <strong>the</strong> wood-backed<br />
hairbrush and <strong>the</strong> skills she learned translate ra<strong>the</strong>r<br />
nicely <strong>to</strong> our private sessions.<br />
She whipped <strong>the</strong> crop down with considerable<br />
force and I purred with pleasure.
7<br />
Yvonne and Janet<br />
I stuck my head around <strong>the</strong> door <strong>to</strong> Jojo’s<br />
study. Her bed has not been slept <strong>in</strong> so I assume that<br />
she has spent <strong>the</strong> night <strong>in</strong> <strong>the</strong> Grand Master’s<br />
quarters. I smile <strong>to</strong> myself. It is wonderful <strong>to</strong> know<br />
that my best chum is so happy and contented <strong>in</strong> her<br />
romance with Mr Humphries. <strong>The</strong>y will be married <strong>in</strong><br />
<strong>the</strong> summer, once we are released, and I shall be her<br />
Maid <strong>of</strong> Honor.<br />
I go next door <strong>in</strong><strong>to</strong> my own study and put <strong>the</strong><br />
two c<strong>of</strong>fee cups down on my desk and head for <strong>the</strong><br />
shower. It is still barely six o’clock and I don’t go on<br />
duty for an hour so I have time <strong>to</strong> luxuriate and<br />
pamper myself.<br />
Sometime last even<strong>in</strong>g, before she turned <strong>in</strong><br />
for <strong>the</strong> night Frankie has s<strong>to</strong>pped by and laid out a<br />
fresh set <strong>of</strong> clobber on my bed. Unlike many <strong>of</strong> <strong>the</strong><br />
<strong>in</strong>mates who only ma<strong>in</strong>ta<strong>in</strong> a m<strong>in</strong>imum wardrobe I<br />
have a huge collection. I am really fussy about my<br />
clobber, obsessively so maybe, and on a busy day like<br />
<strong>to</strong>day I may well change my blouse three or four
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times. I will also make a complete change before this<br />
even<strong>in</strong>g’s social event.<br />
I have just f<strong>in</strong>ished dry<strong>in</strong>g my hair and am<br />
knott<strong>in</strong>g my red tie when Lady Derby Hunt<strong>in</strong>g<strong>to</strong>n<br />
pokes her head around <strong>the</strong> door.<br />
“Good Morn<strong>in</strong>g, Ma’am,” she says cheerfully. “I<br />
have just made fresh c<strong>of</strong>fee for Miss Mor<strong>to</strong>n, would<br />
you like me <strong>to</strong> br<strong>in</strong>g you a cup?”<br />
Derby grubs for Debs. She is an absolute dote<br />
and as mad as a March Hare. She hails from one <strong>of</strong><br />
<strong>the</strong> nations oldest and most respected family’s and<br />
was brought up surrounded by maids, valets and<br />
liveried footmen. None<strong>the</strong>less she has taken <strong>to</strong> <strong>the</strong><br />
life <strong>of</strong> a grubby with remarkable enthusiasm and<br />
tends <strong>to</strong> Deborah’s every need morn<strong>in</strong>g, noon and<br />
night.<br />
I thank her and make a f<strong>in</strong>al adjustment <strong>to</strong> <strong>the</strong><br />
knot <strong>of</strong> my tie so that it is seated neatly <strong>in</strong> a perfect<br />
vee and fully cover<strong>in</strong>g <strong>the</strong> <strong>to</strong>p but<strong>to</strong>n <strong>of</strong> my blouse.<br />
Derby returns with a mug <strong>of</strong> c<strong>of</strong>fee. “Is <strong>the</strong>re<br />
anyth<strong>in</strong>g else I can get for you, Ma’am?” she asks.<br />
We have been try<strong>in</strong>g <strong>to</strong> cure Derby <strong>of</strong> call<strong>in</strong>g<br />
us Ma’am except <strong>in</strong> public, when it is a required<br />
pro<strong>to</strong>col, but she just giggles and ignores us. I tell her<br />
that I’m f<strong>in</strong>e and she tells me she will cut along and<br />
get everyth<strong>in</strong>g prepared for Deborah’s return from<br />
her run. No sooner has Derby departed than <strong>the</strong>re is<br />
ano<strong>the</strong>r knock on <strong>the</strong> door.<br />
“Come,” I call and Yvonne Godfrey and Janet<br />
Mitchell shuffle <strong>in</strong><strong>to</strong> <strong>the</strong> room.<br />
“Report<strong>in</strong>g for duty, Ma’am,” mutters Yvonne.
29<br />
Now I have absolutely no problem with Yvonne<br />
referr<strong>in</strong>g <strong>to</strong> me as Ma’am, <strong>in</strong> fact I <strong>in</strong>sist upon it.<br />
Yvonne and Janet spent seven years as<br />
<strong>in</strong>mates <strong>of</strong> <strong>the</strong> facility and are loathsome and odious<br />
cret<strong>in</strong>s. Dur<strong>in</strong>g <strong>the</strong> dark days <strong>of</strong> Operation Scorched<br />
Arse <strong>the</strong>y served <strong>in</strong> Elite and were <strong>the</strong> pr<strong>in</strong>cipal’s <strong>of</strong><br />
<strong>the</strong> he<strong>in</strong>ous Secret Sorority <strong>of</strong> Serial Spankers. With<br />
<strong>the</strong> sponsorship <strong>of</strong> Patty Hodge and Katie <strong>the</strong>ir<br />
assignment was <strong>to</strong> make life miserable for <strong>the</strong><br />
<strong>in</strong>mates and cut as many pairs <strong>of</strong> bumbags <strong>to</strong> tatters<br />
as humanly possible.<br />
<strong>The</strong>y both caned me a time or two and I can<br />
assure you that <strong>the</strong>y made it an even more<br />
disagreeable experience than usual.<br />
After <strong>the</strong>ir release from <strong>Woody</strong>s <strong>the</strong>y<br />
apparently returned <strong>to</strong> <strong>the</strong>ir roots and threw <strong>the</strong>ir<br />
bumbags back <strong>in</strong> <strong>the</strong> r<strong>in</strong>g with <strong>the</strong> Confederacy <strong>of</strong><br />
Yo<strong>of</strong>s. Somewhere along <strong>the</strong> way <strong>the</strong> thought it<br />
would be a wizard wheeze <strong>to</strong> go <strong>in</strong><strong>to</strong> <strong>the</strong> kidnapp<strong>in</strong>g<br />
bus<strong>in</strong>ess.<br />
Fortunately <strong>the</strong> Yo<strong>of</strong>s enlisted <strong>the</strong> assistance <strong>of</strong><br />
a bunch <strong>of</strong> <strong>in</strong>competent Scouser’s and it all went<br />
pear-shaped <strong>in</strong> a heartbeat. Yvonne and Janet were<br />
captured and returned <strong>to</strong> <strong>the</strong> <strong>Unit</strong> for <strong>the</strong>ir<br />
participation <strong>in</strong> this fiasco.<br />
Now <strong>the</strong> once mighty Commandants <strong>of</strong> <strong>the</strong> SS<br />
are reduced <strong>to</strong> <strong>the</strong> role <strong>of</strong> permanent grubbies. <strong>The</strong>y<br />
are responsible for ma<strong>in</strong>tenance and clean<strong>in</strong>g <strong>of</strong> <strong>the</strong><br />
facility and each day <strong>the</strong>y are also required <strong>to</strong> provide<br />
relief grubb<strong>in</strong>g support on <strong>the</strong> Elite land<strong>in</strong>g.<br />
By and large <strong>the</strong> <strong>in</strong>mates are not a v<strong>in</strong>dictive<br />
bunch but it would be impossible not <strong>to</strong> harbor some
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grudges aga<strong>in</strong>st this pair <strong>of</strong> be-yotch’s and not <strong>to</strong><br />
enjoy some gloat<strong>in</strong>g satisfaction at <strong>the</strong>ir reduced<br />
circumstances.<br />
“Morn<strong>in</strong>g ladies, hands on your heads, you<br />
know <strong>the</strong> form,” I greet <strong>the</strong>m.<br />
Janet looks resigned as she raises her arms.<br />
Yvonne on <strong>the</strong> o<strong>the</strong>r hand takes <strong>the</strong> time <strong>to</strong> glare at<br />
me before comply<strong>in</strong>g; her eyes burn with anger and<br />
resentment as she l<strong>in</strong>ks her hands on <strong>to</strong>p <strong>of</strong> her head.<br />
Before we discuss <strong>the</strong>ir day’s assignments I am<br />
required <strong>to</strong> subject <strong>the</strong>m <strong>to</strong> a full clobber <strong>in</strong>spection. I<br />
doubt that <strong>the</strong>y will be foolish enough <strong>to</strong> pitch up with<br />
<strong>the</strong>ir clobber <strong>in</strong> an abusive state but it is an<br />
opportunity <strong>to</strong> make <strong>the</strong>m sweat a little.<br />
I start with an <strong>in</strong>spection <strong>of</strong> <strong>the</strong>ir blazers and<br />
<strong>the</strong>n proceed <strong>to</strong> methodically check every stitch,<br />
seam, hem and but<strong>to</strong>n <strong>of</strong> <strong>the</strong>ir cloth<strong>in</strong>g. As I<br />
suspected I do not f<strong>in</strong>d any <strong>in</strong>fr<strong>in</strong>gements <strong>of</strong> <strong>the</strong><br />
clobber pro<strong>to</strong>cols but you can tell by <strong>the</strong> relief on<br />
<strong>the</strong>ir faces when I tell <strong>the</strong>m that <strong>the</strong>y can lower <strong>the</strong>ir<br />
arms that <strong>the</strong>y found <strong>the</strong> experience suitably<br />
disagreeable.<br />
I click on <strong>the</strong> duty roster on my lap<strong>to</strong>p and<br />
learn that <strong>to</strong>day <strong>the</strong>y have been assigned <strong>to</strong> support<br />
Lady Derby <strong>in</strong> her grubb<strong>in</strong>g duties. I suppress a gr<strong>in</strong>.<br />
Derby is a hard task-mistress and will not <strong>to</strong>lerate any<br />
slack<strong>in</strong>g on her watch. She will have Yvonne and<br />
Janet scurry<strong>in</strong>g about hi<strong>the</strong>r and thi<strong>the</strong>r and will<br />
moni<strong>to</strong>r <strong>the</strong>ir performance like a hawk. Lady Derby<br />
has no compunction when it comes <strong>to</strong> dispatch<strong>in</strong>g<br />
<strong>the</strong>m <strong>to</strong> <strong>the</strong> library for a thrash<strong>in</strong>g if she feels that<br />
<strong>the</strong>y have not met her exact<strong>in</strong>g standards.
31<br />
<strong>The</strong> list <strong>of</strong> assignments <strong>in</strong>cludes several rout<strong>in</strong>e<br />
ma<strong>in</strong>tenance tasks <strong>in</strong>clud<strong>in</strong>g polish<strong>in</strong>g <strong>the</strong> floor <strong>of</strong> <strong>the</strong><br />
Grand Hall <strong>in</strong> preparation for <strong>to</strong>night’s feast. I pr<strong>in</strong>t<br />
<strong>the</strong> list and send <strong>the</strong>m on <strong>the</strong>ir way. I should feel<br />
some sympathy for <strong>the</strong>m but I don’t. Be-yotch’s.
8<br />
Vic<strong>to</strong>ria and Debs<br />
I pull on my red silk and mohair blazer and<br />
fasten <strong>the</strong> five but<strong>to</strong>ns up <strong>the</strong> front. I go over <strong>to</strong> <strong>the</strong><br />
umbrella stand and select an ashplant cane which I<br />
will be required <strong>to</strong> carry tucked under my left arm<br />
throughout <strong>the</strong> day. This is ra<strong>the</strong>r unnecessary as I<br />
have ceded my thrash<strong>in</strong>g rights <strong>to</strong> Debs but it<br />
rema<strong>in</strong>s a requirement <strong>of</strong> <strong>the</strong> Elite Charter so I do not<br />
feel <strong>in</strong>cl<strong>in</strong>ed <strong>to</strong> argue <strong>the</strong> po<strong>in</strong>t.<br />
<strong>The</strong> ashplants are very slender, eighteen <strong>in</strong>ch<br />
long canes that apparently have been <strong>in</strong> use by<br />
members <strong>of</strong> <strong>the</strong> Elite ever s<strong>in</strong>ce <strong>the</strong> orig<strong>in</strong>al <strong>Woody</strong><br />
<strong>School</strong> was first established <strong>in</strong> <strong>the</strong> mid-1800s.<br />
Accord<strong>in</strong>g <strong>to</strong> Debs who researches this k<strong>in</strong>d <strong>of</strong> stuff<br />
<strong>the</strong>y are produced by some family <strong>in</strong> Dubl<strong>in</strong> and are<br />
cut from sapl<strong>in</strong>gs <strong>of</strong> a particular mounta<strong>in</strong> ash-tree<br />
and <strong>the</strong>n cooked <strong>in</strong> a chimney-oven. She also<br />
mentioned that accord<strong>in</strong>g <strong>to</strong> <strong>the</strong> advertis<strong>in</strong>g literature<br />
<strong>the</strong>y come guaranteed one-hundred-per-cent tested<br />
for performance. I’m not sure where you f<strong>in</strong>d <strong>the</strong> job<br />
applications but if ever I’m <strong>in</strong> <strong>the</strong> mood for a career<br />
change or <strong>in</strong> need <strong>of</strong> a few extra squids I could
33<br />
always sign up for a position <strong>in</strong> <strong>the</strong> family’s quality<br />
control division.<br />
Now suitably accessorized for my day as <strong>the</strong><br />
Duty Moni<strong>to</strong>r I stroll down <strong>the</strong> land<strong>in</strong>g <strong>to</strong> Lady<br />
Vic<strong>to</strong>ria’s study <strong>to</strong> see whe<strong>the</strong>r she is ready.<br />
Lady Vix is swallow<strong>in</strong>g down <strong>the</strong> dregs <strong>of</strong> her<br />
c<strong>of</strong>fee, presumably supplied by <strong>the</strong> good <strong>of</strong>fices <strong>of</strong><br />
Derby and burn<strong>in</strong>g a cigarette. She is dressed <strong>in</strong> a<br />
deep red silk blouse with black pip<strong>in</strong>g around <strong>the</strong><br />
collar and a short black flared skirt. She wears a black<br />
tie around her neck that she has not yet got around<br />
<strong>to</strong> fasten<strong>in</strong>g.<br />
“Morn<strong>in</strong>g,” she half-yawns, “Give me a few<br />
m<strong>in</strong>utes and we’ll get <strong>the</strong> fawk<strong>in</strong>’ show on <strong>the</strong> road,”<br />
she drawls <strong>in</strong> her aris<strong>to</strong>cratic voice.<br />
I tell her that <strong>the</strong>re is no hurry and bum one <strong>of</strong><br />
her fags.<br />
I have known Vix s<strong>in</strong>ce <strong>the</strong> Ladette days when<br />
Jojo and I used <strong>to</strong> party <strong>to</strong>ge<strong>the</strong>r with <strong>the</strong> likes <strong>of</strong> Cat<br />
and Melons. Glorious days when we worked like<br />
demons all day and tripped <strong>the</strong> light fantastic all<br />
night. Before she was arrested and banged up at<br />
<strong>Woody</strong>s, for danc<strong>in</strong>g naked <strong>in</strong> <strong>the</strong> founta<strong>in</strong>s <strong>of</strong><br />
Trafalgar Square on her twenty-first birthday, I had<br />
<strong>the</strong> privilege <strong>of</strong> attend<strong>in</strong>g several <strong>of</strong> her New-Years<br />
Eve balls at her fa<strong>the</strong>r’s pile. I th<strong>in</strong>k that Vic<strong>to</strong>ria’s<br />
family has an even longer heritage than Derby’s.<br />
Bromp<strong>to</strong>n Castle was built back <strong>in</strong> <strong>the</strong> n<strong>in</strong>th or tenth<br />
century and is a ra<strong>the</strong>r e<strong>the</strong>real spot on <strong>the</strong> <strong>to</strong>p <strong>of</strong> a<br />
hill with panoramic views <strong>of</strong> <strong>the</strong> Bromp<strong>to</strong>n estate. <strong>The</strong><br />
<strong>in</strong>terior has mostly been renovated and modernized<br />
but thankfully <strong>the</strong> Bromp<strong>to</strong>n family has had <strong>the</strong> good<br />
sense <strong>to</strong> keep <strong>the</strong> dungeons <strong>in</strong>tact and I have spent
A <strong>Life</strong> <strong>in</strong> <strong>the</strong> <strong>Day</strong> <strong>of</strong> <strong>Nixdown</strong> <strong>Nixon</strong><br />
many dreamy and eventful nights <strong>in</strong> <strong>the</strong> dark recesses<br />
<strong>of</strong> <strong>the</strong> castle.<br />
Vic<strong>to</strong>ria f<strong>in</strong>ally s<strong>to</strong>ps bustl<strong>in</strong>g about and pulls<br />
her black blazer out <strong>of</strong> <strong>the</strong> closet. I go over and<br />
fasten <strong>the</strong> <strong>to</strong>p two but<strong>to</strong>ns <strong>of</strong> her shirt and knot her<br />
tie correctly. She smiles and pulls on her blazer.<br />
“I guess we’d better fawk<strong>in</strong>’ cut along,” she<br />
drawls.<br />
I love potty-mou<strong>the</strong>d aris<strong>to</strong>crats.<br />
We are cutt<strong>in</strong>g across <strong>the</strong> quadrangle <strong>in</strong> <strong>the</strong><br />
direction <strong>of</strong> <strong>the</strong> Grand Masters quarters when Debs<br />
catches us up. She slips her arm <strong>in</strong><strong>to</strong> m<strong>in</strong>e and starts<br />
<strong>to</strong> prattle on about some new gadget that she has<br />
that she wears on her wrist while she is runn<strong>in</strong>g and<br />
moni<strong>to</strong>rs all manner <strong>of</strong> her critical functions. She is<br />
still on an endorph<strong>in</strong> rush and despite <strong>the</strong> fact I have<br />
no idea what she is talk<strong>in</strong>g about I know that <strong>the</strong>re is<br />
no hope <strong>of</strong> s<strong>to</strong>pp<strong>in</strong>g her. Deborah is no<strong>to</strong>rious for her<br />
persistence <strong>in</strong> deliver<strong>in</strong>g her op<strong>in</strong>ions and<br />
observations. I catch Vic<strong>to</strong>ria’s eye and we exchange<br />
a w<strong>in</strong>k. In a few moments Debs will just run out <strong>of</strong><br />
steam and by <strong>the</strong> time we reach <strong>the</strong> Grand Master’s<br />
quarters she will be prepared <strong>to</strong> start her day <strong>in</strong> <strong>the</strong><br />
role <strong>of</strong> Vic<strong>to</strong>ria’s deputy.<br />
Over <strong>the</strong> last few days <strong>the</strong>re have rumors on<br />
<strong>the</strong> gossv<strong>in</strong>e that Vic<strong>to</strong>ria is consider<strong>in</strong>g stand<strong>in</strong>g<br />
down as Red-shirt and hand<strong>in</strong>g over <strong>the</strong> re<strong>in</strong>s <strong>to</strong><br />
Debs.<br />
Although I count her amongst my closest<br />
chums my relationship with Deborah Mor<strong>to</strong>n has<br />
occasionally been fractious. I am sometimes accused
35<br />
<strong>of</strong> be<strong>in</strong>g cynical but actually I just th<strong>in</strong>k that I have an<br />
<strong>in</strong>nately suspicious nature and I have sometimes<br />
suspected that Debs eng<strong>in</strong>eers many <strong>of</strong> her more<br />
calami<strong>to</strong>us situations for her own personal selfaggrandizement.<br />
Deborah naturally denies any such<br />
accusations and our disagreements have occasionally<br />
caused significant rifts <strong>in</strong> <strong>the</strong> lute.<br />
At <strong>the</strong> end <strong>of</strong> last year when Mr Humphries<br />
was seek<strong>in</strong>g a successor <strong>to</strong> Lady Vic<strong>to</strong>ria he lobbied<br />
Jojo and I <strong>to</strong> fulfill <strong>the</strong> role <strong>of</strong> Red-shirt. For different<br />
reasons we both turned down <strong>the</strong> position and we<br />
both expressed <strong>the</strong> op<strong>in</strong>ion that despite Deborah’s fall<br />
from grace with Ms Law<strong>to</strong>n that we just assumed that<br />
would be forgotten and she would be <strong>the</strong> natural<br />
candidate. After all she is an unreasonably (and<br />
perhaps even unnaturally) gifted <strong>in</strong>dividual and it is<br />
actually her abundance <strong>of</strong> fatal flaws that make her<br />
so attractive and sometimes even endear<strong>in</strong>g.<br />
However, <strong>The</strong> Grand Master expla<strong>in</strong>ed that he feared<br />
that she would just be <strong>to</strong>o high ma<strong>in</strong>tenance and I<br />
have <strong>to</strong> say that I agreed with him. Eventually Lady<br />
Vix was persuaded <strong>to</strong> stay on for a second term even<br />
though she has <strong>of</strong>ficially f<strong>in</strong>ished her sentence.<br />
Despite <strong>the</strong> Grand Masters concerns Vic<strong>to</strong>ria<br />
lobbied for Debs <strong>to</strong> firstly be promoted <strong>to</strong> Capta<strong>in</strong> <strong>of</strong><br />
<strong>the</strong> Red House and <strong>the</strong>n subsequently as her Deputy.<br />
I am forced <strong>to</strong> admit that Debs has proved me<br />
wrong and has done a smash<strong>in</strong>g job <strong>in</strong> both roles, so<br />
I am more than happy <strong>to</strong> endorse her when <strong>the</strong> time<br />
comes. I just wish that she would s<strong>to</strong>p babbl<strong>in</strong>g <strong>in</strong> my<br />
ear about heart-rates and breath<strong>in</strong>g patterns.
9<br />
Red-Card for G<strong>in</strong>ger<br />
Jojo is sitt<strong>in</strong>g at <strong>the</strong> kitchen counter sipp<strong>in</strong>g a<br />
mug <strong>of</strong> c<strong>of</strong>fee. She is still <strong>in</strong> <strong>the</strong> throes <strong>of</strong> gett<strong>in</strong>g<br />
dressed, her blouse is unfastened at <strong>the</strong> neck and not<br />
yet tucked <strong>in</strong><strong>to</strong> <strong>the</strong> waistband <strong>of</strong> her skirt, a <strong>to</strong>wel<br />
knotted <strong>in</strong><strong>to</strong> a turban over her still damp hair.<br />
“He’ll be out <strong>in</strong> a m<strong>in</strong>ute; he’s <strong>in</strong> his <strong>of</strong>fice on<br />
<strong>the</strong> phone,” she <strong>in</strong>forms us, “<strong>the</strong> c<strong>of</strong>fee’s fresh, help<br />
yourselves.”<br />
We mooch about <strong>the</strong> kitchen for a few m<strong>in</strong>utes<br />
dr<strong>in</strong>k<strong>in</strong>g java and gabb<strong>in</strong>g idly until <strong>the</strong> Grand Master<br />
comes out <strong>of</strong> his <strong>of</strong>fice.<br />
“Morn<strong>in</strong>g ladies,” he greets us amiably, “what’s<br />
on <strong>the</strong> agenda <strong>to</strong>day?”<br />
Vic<strong>to</strong>ria pulled a sheet <strong>of</strong> paper out <strong>of</strong> her<br />
blazer pocket and gave us a run-down on all <strong>the</strong> day’s<br />
scheduled activities. In contrast <strong>to</strong> <strong>the</strong> weekdays<br />
when we spend <strong>the</strong> vast majority <strong>of</strong> our time <strong>in</strong> <strong>the</strong><br />
lecture rooms immersed <strong>in</strong> <strong>the</strong> rigors <strong>of</strong> educational<br />
programs <strong>the</strong> weekends at <strong>Woody</strong>s are far less<br />
structured.
37<br />
<strong>The</strong>re are numerous workshops available <strong>to</strong><br />
<strong>the</strong> <strong>in</strong>mates that are hosted by volunteer members <strong>of</strong><br />
our community. <strong>The</strong> grass hockey team has an away<br />
match and <strong>the</strong>re is a cross-country ride across <strong>the</strong><br />
Downs scheduled. Jojo is plann<strong>in</strong>g ano<strong>the</strong>r major<br />
<strong>Woody</strong> <strong>the</strong>atrical production and <strong>the</strong>re are various<br />
auditions throughout <strong>the</strong> day. Dur<strong>in</strong>g each term <strong>the</strong><br />
<strong>in</strong>mates are allowed three <strong>to</strong>wn-passes <strong>to</strong> allow <strong>the</strong>m<br />
<strong>to</strong> take care <strong>of</strong> personal bus<strong>in</strong>ess or <strong>to</strong> visit <strong>the</strong> local<br />
haberdasheries <strong>to</strong> be measured up for replacement<br />
clobber so at least a dozen gals would be <strong>of</strong>f campus<br />
for most <strong>of</strong> <strong>the</strong> afternoon.<br />
Despite all <strong>the</strong>se distractions <strong>the</strong> weekends still<br />
<strong>of</strong>fer considerable opportunities for <strong>the</strong> mega-m<strong>in</strong>xes<br />
<strong>to</strong> <strong>in</strong>dulge <strong>in</strong> creat<strong>in</strong>g an atmosphere <strong>of</strong> mischief and<br />
mayhem. <strong>The</strong> weekend whop-rate is traditionally<br />
ra<strong>the</strong>r high and as Duty Moni<strong>to</strong>r I will have my work<br />
cut out <strong>to</strong> try <strong>to</strong> ma<strong>in</strong>ta<strong>in</strong> some semblance <strong>of</strong> order<br />
around <strong>the</strong> compound.<br />
Vic<strong>to</strong>ria, Debs and I verify that we have all <strong>the</strong><br />
<strong>in</strong>terfaces plugged <strong>in</strong><strong>to</strong> our smart-phones and <strong>the</strong><br />
Grand Master tells us that he will see us shortly <strong>in</strong> <strong>the</strong><br />
assembly hall.<br />
I share a quick hug with Jojo; she w<strong>in</strong>ks at me<br />
and wishes me good luck before I cut along.<br />
I do not feel at all lucky when G<strong>in</strong>ger Beckett<br />
decides <strong>to</strong> trip up a gal <strong>in</strong> front <strong>of</strong> her as <strong>the</strong> <strong>in</strong>mates<br />
are enter<strong>in</strong>g <strong>the</strong> assembly hall.<br />
I cut my eyes sideways and glance over at Vix<br />
and Debs. It is clear that <strong>the</strong>y have both seen this<br />
<strong>to</strong>tally guileless act <strong>of</strong> <strong>to</strong>mfoolery and <strong>the</strong>y are wait<strong>in</strong>g<br />
for me <strong>to</strong> respond. I was closest <strong>to</strong> <strong>the</strong> action and it is
A <strong>Life</strong> <strong>in</strong> <strong>the</strong> <strong>Day</strong> <strong>of</strong> <strong>Nixdown</strong> <strong>Nixon</strong><br />
my responsibility <strong>to</strong> show G<strong>in</strong>ger a red-card. I hate<br />
this part <strong>of</strong> <strong>the</strong> job.<br />
G<strong>in</strong>ger is a very close chum but I <strong>to</strong>ok <strong>the</strong> Elite<br />
oath and swore that I would treat all <strong>the</strong> <strong>in</strong>mates<br />
equally, whe<strong>the</strong>r friend or foe. I could take <strong>the</strong> easy<br />
way out and pretend that I didn’t see G<strong>in</strong>ger tripp<strong>in</strong>g<br />
<strong>the</strong> gal and leave it <strong>to</strong> Vix or Debs <strong>to</strong> do <strong>the</strong> dirty<br />
deed but I know that would not be fair. I sigh<br />
<strong>in</strong>wardly and reach <strong>in</strong><strong>to</strong> my <strong>in</strong>side pocket and extract<br />
my card.<br />
“Beckett, Phase 5, step up for go<strong>of</strong><strong>in</strong>g,” I hear<br />
myself say. I have just sentenced my chum <strong>to</strong> several<br />
hot and sweaty m<strong>in</strong>utes bend<strong>in</strong>g over <strong>the</strong> back <strong>of</strong> a<br />
chair with her bumbags around her ankles for six<br />
strokes <strong>of</strong> <strong>the</strong> cane.<br />
G<strong>in</strong>ger doesn’t show any reaction, she is a<br />
pr<strong>of</strong>essional mega-m<strong>in</strong>x and knows how <strong>to</strong> put on a<br />
game face. She knows that she is bang <strong>to</strong> rights and<br />
accepts her fate but it doesn’t s<strong>to</strong>p me from feel<strong>in</strong>g<br />
like a heel. I very much doubt that it is <strong>the</strong> last redcard<br />
that I shall be compelled <strong>to</strong> show <strong>to</strong>day.<br />
I watch gloomily as Patty Hodge, Katie Beck<br />
and <strong>the</strong> Wart sweep <strong>in</strong><strong>to</strong> <strong>the</strong> hall and bear down upon<br />
G<strong>in</strong>ger. I know exactly what is about <strong>to</strong> transpire.<br />
Patty leans <strong>in</strong> close <strong>to</strong> G<strong>in</strong>gers face and is clearly<br />
spitt<strong>in</strong>g barbed vitriolic <strong>in</strong><strong>to</strong> G<strong>in</strong>gers ear. Patty is<br />
highly skilled <strong>in</strong> <strong>the</strong>se situations and she keeps her<br />
voice so low that only poor G<strong>in</strong>ger and her smirk<strong>in</strong>g<br />
cohorts can hear what she is say<strong>in</strong>g. Hav<strong>in</strong>g been on<br />
<strong>the</strong> receiv<strong>in</strong>g end <strong>of</strong> Patty’s lacerat<strong>in</strong>g <strong>to</strong>ngue a time<br />
or two I can assure that she is not exchang<strong>in</strong>g<br />
pleasantries.
39<br />
Vic<strong>to</strong>ria only allows this <strong>to</strong> go on for a few<br />
seconds before strid<strong>in</strong>g over <strong>to</strong> <strong>in</strong>tervene. Katie Beck<br />
tries <strong>to</strong> impede her but Vic<strong>to</strong>ria elbows her <strong>in</strong> <strong>the</strong> ribs.<br />
Katie squeals and leaps out <strong>of</strong> Vic<strong>to</strong>ria’s way.<br />
“Ms Hodge do you have someth<strong>in</strong>g <strong>to</strong> say?”<br />
demands Vix.<br />
Patty glares at our Red-shirt. “Beckett’s tie is<br />
undone,” she snaps, “I’m issu<strong>in</strong>g her a supplementary<br />
red-card.”<br />
“Miss Beckett’s clobber <strong>in</strong>fraction has been duly<br />
noted Ms Hodge,” says Vix on a low <strong>to</strong>ne. “No fur<strong>the</strong>r<br />
action required.”<br />
Patty pulls herself up <strong>to</strong> her full height and<br />
glares down at Vix. Patty is tall even <strong>in</strong> her s<strong>to</strong>ck<strong>in</strong>ged<br />
feet and she wears three-<strong>in</strong>ch heels <strong>to</strong> add <strong>to</strong> her<br />
physical presence. She is a remarkable specimen <strong>of</strong><br />
creation with flame red hair and emerald green eyes<br />
that I suspect that are enhanced by devious optical<br />
means. She can be ra<strong>the</strong>r <strong>in</strong>timidat<strong>in</strong>g but Vic<strong>to</strong>ria is<br />
not <strong>the</strong> easily <strong>in</strong>timidated sort.<br />
Lady Vic<strong>to</strong>ria loves <strong>to</strong> recount her childhood<br />
days when she was taught <strong>to</strong> box and wrestle by her<br />
four elder bro<strong>the</strong>rs <strong>in</strong> <strong>the</strong> grounds <strong>of</strong> <strong>the</strong> castle. Many<br />
<strong>of</strong> <strong>the</strong> <strong>in</strong>mates have had reason <strong>to</strong> thank Vix when<br />
she has stepped <strong>in</strong> and stuck up her dukes <strong>to</strong> protect<br />
<strong>the</strong>m from <strong>the</strong> bully<strong>in</strong>g factions <strong>of</strong> our environment.<br />
Vic<strong>to</strong>ria glances sidelong at Katie and <strong>the</strong> Wart<br />
and <strong>the</strong>y high-tail it <strong>to</strong>wards <strong>the</strong> steps <strong>of</strong> <strong>the</strong> stage as<br />
fast as <strong>the</strong>ir legs can carry <strong>the</strong>m.<br />
I can sense that Patty is contemplat<strong>in</strong>g radical<br />
action but Vix has closed <strong>in</strong> and is now between <strong>the</strong><br />
evil Dame and G<strong>in</strong>ger. I can’t help notic<strong>in</strong>g that her<br />
fists are clench<strong>in</strong>g and unclench<strong>in</strong>g as she stares
A <strong>Life</strong> <strong>in</strong> <strong>the</strong> <strong>Day</strong> <strong>of</strong> <strong>Nixdown</strong> <strong>Nixon</strong><br />
unwaver<strong>in</strong>gly at Patty. I suspect that she is<br />
consider<strong>in</strong>g biff<strong>in</strong>g Ms Hodge on <strong>the</strong> snooter.<br />
Patty glares down at her and <strong>the</strong>n sp<strong>in</strong>s on her<br />
heel. “I’ll get you for this Bromp<strong>to</strong>n,” she snarls.<br />
Vix waits until Patty reaches <strong>the</strong> foot <strong>of</strong> <strong>the</strong><br />
stairs. “Yeah rock on Patty,” she drawls. “And that’s<br />
Lady fawk<strong>in</strong>’ Bromp<strong>to</strong>n <strong>to</strong> you.”<br />
Naturally Vic<strong>to</strong>ria putt<strong>in</strong>g Patty back <strong>in</strong> her box<br />
is greeted by <strong>the</strong> requisite titter<strong>in</strong>g and snigger<strong>in</strong>g,<br />
but <strong>the</strong> <strong>in</strong>mates are quickly silenced when Vix turns<br />
around and commands, “Silence, silence <strong>in</strong> <strong>the</strong> hall,<br />
Grand Master approach<strong>in</strong>g!”
10<br />
A Case <strong>of</strong> <strong>the</strong> Residuals<br />
<strong>The</strong> Grand Master only s<strong>to</strong>ps momentarily <strong>to</strong><br />
dismiss G<strong>in</strong>ger from <strong>the</strong> hall and send her upstairs <strong>to</strong><br />
get herself <strong>in</strong>spected. G<strong>in</strong>ger used <strong>to</strong> be a<br />
pr<strong>of</strong>essional baller<strong>in</strong>a and normally she moves with a<br />
wonderful grace and seems <strong>to</strong> glide across <strong>the</strong> floor<br />
but she looks self-conscious and slightly unga<strong>in</strong>ly as<br />
she trudges <strong>to</strong>wards <strong>the</strong> door. Poor G<strong>in</strong>ger, noth<strong>in</strong>g <strong>to</strong><br />
look forward <strong>to</strong> except six <strong>of</strong> <strong>the</strong> very best.<br />
<strong>The</strong> rema<strong>in</strong>der <strong>of</strong> assembly is a rout<strong>in</strong>e affair<br />
with Mr Humphries repeat<strong>in</strong>g <strong>the</strong> day’s agenda that<br />
we had discussed earlier. As I am leav<strong>in</strong>g <strong>the</strong> hall<br />
Deborah falls <strong>in</strong> beside me and slips her arm <strong>in</strong><strong>to</strong><br />
m<strong>in</strong>e.<br />
“Don’t look so glum, you know that it was a<br />
fair call,” she says sooth<strong>in</strong>gly. “She knows <strong>the</strong> form so<br />
<strong>the</strong>re’s no po<strong>in</strong>t <strong>in</strong> beat<strong>in</strong>g yourself up about it.”<br />
She is right, <strong>of</strong> course, but it doesn’t s<strong>to</strong>p me<br />
from feel<strong>in</strong>g like a heel.<br />
We cut through <strong>the</strong> corridors and step out <strong>in</strong><strong>to</strong><br />
<strong>the</strong> cloisters. It is a brisk morn<strong>in</strong>g but <strong>the</strong> sun is
A <strong>Life</strong> <strong>in</strong> <strong>the</strong> <strong>Day</strong> <strong>of</strong> <strong>Nixdown</strong> <strong>Nixon</strong><br />
beg<strong>in</strong>n<strong>in</strong>g <strong>to</strong> break through so hopefully it will turn<br />
<strong>in</strong><strong>to</strong> a pretty day as I will have <strong>to</strong> spend <strong>the</strong> majority<br />
<strong>of</strong> it patroll<strong>in</strong>g <strong>the</strong> grounds.<br />
Debs is chatter<strong>in</strong>g away cheerfully about her<br />
new hairdo. Despite her natural self-assurance which<br />
can sometimes be ra<strong>the</strong>r irritat<strong>in</strong>g she is not <strong>in</strong> <strong>the</strong><br />
least bit va<strong>in</strong>. In fact she is quite <strong>the</strong> opposite and<br />
can be very self-conscious. I th<strong>in</strong>k that is part <strong>of</strong> <strong>the</strong><br />
reason that she always used <strong>to</strong> dress like a hobo.<br />
Yesterday I f<strong>in</strong>ally persuaded her <strong>to</strong> come <strong>in</strong><strong>to</strong> <strong>to</strong>wn<br />
with me and a visit a friend <strong>of</strong> m<strong>in</strong>e, Pencil, at his<br />
salon.<br />
We <strong>to</strong>ok <strong>the</strong> bus <strong>in</strong><strong>to</strong> <strong>to</strong>wn and she was<br />
extremely grumpy and non-communicative. I<br />
assumed this was because she still had smoke<br />
billow<strong>in</strong>g out from under her skirt as a result <strong>of</strong> be<strong>in</strong>g<br />
caned by <strong>the</strong> Wart just an hour earlier. <strong>The</strong> Wart<br />
hates Deborah and really did a number on her.<br />
<strong>The</strong> Wart landed <strong>the</strong> first five strokes with textbook<br />
precision and <strong>the</strong>n announced that she was<br />
go<strong>in</strong>g <strong>to</strong> f<strong>in</strong>ish th<strong>in</strong>gs up with a bacon slicer. We all<br />
had our f<strong>in</strong>gers crossed and were hop<strong>in</strong>g that <strong>the</strong><br />
Wart would fluff <strong>the</strong> stroke and miss but sadly not.<br />
Somehow Debs managed <strong>to</strong> stay down and<br />
avoided giv<strong>in</strong>g <strong>the</strong> Wart <strong>the</strong> opportunity <strong>to</strong> take a<br />
second shot at her. Of course Debs put a brave face<br />
on it while she was be<strong>in</strong>g post-processed but I have<br />
known her for a long time and I could tell that she<br />
had just been nailed and was <strong>in</strong> pretty bad shapes.<br />
My pal Pencil is as camp as a row <strong>of</strong> tents and<br />
can be very bitchy but I had <strong>in</strong>structed him <strong>to</strong> be nice<br />
<strong>to</strong> Debs and for once he kept his catty <strong>to</strong>ngue <strong>in</strong>
43<br />
check. He cut her hair back <strong>to</strong> just below her<br />
shoulders and gave her a loose perm that he<br />
promised was low ma<strong>in</strong>tenance. Deborah was<br />
absolutely thrilled with <strong>the</strong> results and even <strong>in</strong>sisted<br />
on tak<strong>in</strong>g me <strong>to</strong> <strong>the</strong> VIP room <strong>in</strong> Monets and shell<strong>in</strong>g<br />
out for a bottle <strong>of</strong> bubbly. She confided that her<br />
earlier grouch<strong>in</strong>ess had noth<strong>in</strong>g <strong>to</strong> do with <strong>the</strong><br />
whopp<strong>in</strong>g she had received but that she hadn’t been<br />
<strong>to</strong> a hairdresser’s for over a decade preferr<strong>in</strong>g <strong>to</strong> trim<br />
her hair herself, which expla<strong>in</strong>s a lot.<br />
We head across <strong>the</strong> quadrangle. <strong>The</strong> quad is<br />
<strong>the</strong> central thoroughfare and gals are beg<strong>in</strong>n<strong>in</strong>g <strong>to</strong><br />
mill about. Debs gives me a hug, wishes me good<br />
luck and tells me <strong>to</strong> let her know if I need her. We<br />
both know what that means.<br />
I climb <strong>the</strong> broad flight <strong>of</strong> steps that will give<br />
me a good vantage po<strong>in</strong>t so I can moni<strong>to</strong>r <strong>the</strong><br />
activities <strong>in</strong> both <strong>the</strong> quad and <strong>the</strong> rec area. Be<strong>in</strong>g<br />
Duty Moni<strong>to</strong>r is terribly tedious, I’ll spend <strong>the</strong> day<br />
wander<strong>in</strong>g about <strong>the</strong> vast compound keep<strong>in</strong>g my eye<br />
open for overt mischief and malfeasance or excessive<br />
and dangerous horseplay.<br />
After about fifteen m<strong>in</strong>utes I see G<strong>in</strong>ger<br />
com<strong>in</strong>g out <strong>of</strong> <strong>the</strong> ma<strong>in</strong> build<strong>in</strong>g. She has her hands<br />
stuffed <strong>in</strong><strong>to</strong> her blazer pockets and her gait is<br />
decidedly stiff-legged. I walk down <strong>the</strong> steps and<br />
hurry across <strong>the</strong> quad.<br />
“I’m sorry about <strong>the</strong> red-card,” I tell her.<br />
She just shrugs. “Not your fault Nix, you were<br />
just do<strong>in</strong>g your job,” she assures me.<br />
“So how was it?” I ask.
A <strong>Life</strong> <strong>in</strong> <strong>the</strong> <strong>Day</strong> <strong>of</strong> <strong>Nixdown</strong> <strong>Nixon</strong><br />
“Not so good actually,” she says <strong>in</strong> her s<strong>of</strong>t lilt.<br />
“It didn’t help that I got six on <strong>the</strong> silks last night and<br />
was suffer<strong>in</strong>g from a severe case <strong>of</strong> <strong>the</strong> residuals.”<br />
“Oh my gawd,” I sigh. “I had no idea.”<br />
“You weren’t <strong>to</strong> know, it hasn’t been postprocessed<br />
yet. As a matter <strong>of</strong> fact I’m on my way <strong>to</strong><br />
see Melons so that we can complete <strong>the</strong> paperwork,”<br />
she tells me.<br />
I give her a hug and leave her <strong>to</strong> wriggle <strong>of</strong>f<br />
and go about her bus<strong>in</strong>ess. I feel even more like a<br />
heel than before.<br />
Be<strong>in</strong>g caned by <strong>the</strong> Grand Master is always<br />
<strong>to</strong>ugh duty and made many times worse if you have<br />
<strong>the</strong> misfortune <strong>of</strong> wear<strong>in</strong>g <strong>the</strong> residual effects from a<br />
late night beat<strong>in</strong>g from Melons across your bum.<br />
Melanie is a class act and a highly respected powerbeater.<br />
A couple <strong>of</strong> years ago, dur<strong>in</strong>g her first term as<br />
Dorm Raider, she bent me and Jojo over our beds<br />
and gave us a thrash<strong>in</strong>g. It was quite awesome. It<br />
might have been quite delicious under different<br />
circumstances but at <strong>the</strong> time it was most<br />
disagreeable. Poor G<strong>in</strong>ger.<br />
Most <strong>of</strong> <strong>the</strong> gals are head<strong>in</strong>g <strong>in</strong> <strong>the</strong> direction <strong>of</strong><br />
<strong>the</strong> cafeteria where for <strong>the</strong> next few hours Cassie<br />
Cassy and her team will be serv<strong>in</strong>g a buffet brunch.<br />
<strong>The</strong>re is little happen<strong>in</strong>g <strong>in</strong> <strong>the</strong> quad or rec areas so I<br />
decide <strong>to</strong> go back <strong>in</strong><strong>to</strong> <strong>the</strong> house.
11<br />
In Charge <strong>of</strong> <strong>the</strong> Hen-House<br />
<strong>The</strong> ma<strong>in</strong> build<strong>in</strong>g dates back <strong>to</strong> <strong>the</strong><br />
seventeenth century and was once <strong>the</strong> country<br />
retreat <strong>of</strong> some punter with more money that God. It<br />
is four s<strong>to</strong>rey’s tall and is a labyr<strong>in</strong>th <strong>of</strong> <strong>in</strong>terconnect<strong>in</strong>g<br />
corridors, hallways and stairwells. When I<br />
first started my sentence I needed a map and<br />
compass <strong>to</strong> navigate <strong>the</strong> complex but now after seven<br />
years I can f<strong>in</strong>d my way around bl<strong>in</strong>d-folded.<br />
I climb <strong>the</strong> four flights <strong>of</strong> stairs that lead up <strong>to</strong><br />
<strong>the</strong> Elite land<strong>in</strong>g with no particular purpose <strong>in</strong> m<strong>in</strong>d. I<br />
pass by <strong>the</strong> open door <strong>to</strong> Deborah’s study and can<br />
hear Lady Derby bark<strong>in</strong>g <strong>in</strong>structions at Yvonne and<br />
Janet with admirable authority. I chuckle <strong>to</strong> myself. It<br />
couldn’t happen <strong>to</strong> a more deserv<strong>in</strong>g pair <strong>of</strong> beyotch’s.<br />
Frankie is <strong>in</strong> my study straighten<strong>in</strong>g and<br />
dust<strong>in</strong>g. Actually <strong>the</strong>re is noth<strong>in</strong>g that really needs<br />
straighten<strong>in</strong>g or dust<strong>in</strong>g but <strong>the</strong>re is a queer<br />
phenomenon occurr<strong>in</strong>g amongst this year’s <strong>in</strong>take <strong>of</strong>
A <strong>Life</strong> <strong>in</strong> <strong>the</strong> <strong>Day</strong> <strong>of</strong> <strong>Nixdown</strong> <strong>Nixon</strong><br />
grubbies. Lady Derby, Frankie, and Jojo’s grubby<br />
Michelle Morgan are tight and for some reason <strong>the</strong>y<br />
appear <strong>to</strong> have embarked on some form <strong>of</strong><br />
competitive grubb<strong>in</strong>g contest. Apparently Frankie and<br />
Michelle are determ<strong>in</strong>ed not <strong>to</strong> be out-grubbed by<br />
Lady Derby. It is all ra<strong>the</strong>r strange.<br />
“It’s Saturday Frankie, why don’t you take<br />
some quality time with your chums?” I ask idly.<br />
“Besides I thought that you were help<strong>in</strong>g Jojo with<br />
<strong>the</strong> auditions?”<br />
“<strong>The</strong>y don’t start for an hour,” she says. “I just<br />
wanted <strong>to</strong> check that everyth<strong>in</strong>g is <strong>in</strong> order.”<br />
I have given up argu<strong>in</strong>g.<br />
Frankie, Derby and Michelle are a remarkable<br />
trio and have created quite a s<strong>to</strong>rm at <strong>the</strong> <strong>Unit</strong>. <strong>The</strong>y<br />
are by any standards natural born m<strong>in</strong>xes and are<br />
already garner<strong>in</strong>g headl<strong>in</strong>es rem<strong>in</strong>iscent <strong>of</strong> <strong>the</strong> glory<br />
days when Cat Cassidy dubbed Jojo, Debs, Rosemary<br />
and I as <strong>the</strong> ‘Famous Four’. We’ve had plenty <strong>of</strong> Überm<strong>in</strong>xes<br />
follow <strong>in</strong> our footsteps, Cassie Cassy <strong>of</strong> course<br />
but she is widely considered <strong>to</strong> be certifiably bark<strong>in</strong>g,<br />
and both Heidi Alexander and L<strong>in</strong>da Ash really made a<br />
name for <strong>the</strong>mselves last year. But <strong>the</strong> ‘Terrible<br />
Threesome’ are someth<strong>in</strong>g special and are as<br />
competitive about scor<strong>in</strong>g whops as we were back <strong>in</strong><br />
<strong>the</strong> day.<br />
None <strong>of</strong> <strong>the</strong>m arrived at <strong>Woody</strong>s sport<strong>in</strong>g virg<strong>in</strong><br />
arses. Frankie likes <strong>to</strong> tell a delightful s<strong>to</strong>ry about<br />
be<strong>in</strong>g spanked on her bare bot<strong>to</strong>m <strong>in</strong> front <strong>of</strong> <strong>the</strong><br />
whole school for sk<strong>in</strong>ny dipp<strong>in</strong>g <strong>in</strong> <strong>the</strong> school pool.<br />
Some years later, <strong>in</strong> an <strong>in</strong>terview with a French arts<br />
magaz<strong>in</strong>e she would report that, “after be<strong>in</strong>g spanked
47<br />
on <strong>the</strong> bare bot<strong>to</strong>m <strong>in</strong> front <strong>of</strong> several hundred<br />
witnesses tak<strong>in</strong>g my clo<strong>the</strong>s <strong>of</strong>f <strong>to</strong> recite Shakespeare<br />
did not seem <strong>the</strong> least bit <strong>in</strong>timidat<strong>in</strong>g.” I keep an eye<br />
out for that k<strong>in</strong>d <strong>of</strong> th<strong>in</strong>g.<br />
Derby has always been <strong>in</strong> <strong>the</strong> news. She was<br />
bes<strong>to</strong>wed with her curious name after her fa<strong>the</strong>r rode<br />
<strong>the</strong> w<strong>in</strong>ner at Ascot just m<strong>in</strong>utes before his wife gave<br />
birth <strong>to</strong> his only daughter. For some reason <strong>the</strong> Great<br />
Unwashed could not get enough <strong>of</strong> Derby s<strong>to</strong>ries<br />
which were largely filled with accounts <strong>of</strong> her<br />
expulsions from numerous expensive board<strong>in</strong>g<br />
schools at a rate which makes my own educational<br />
record seem relatively stable.<br />
She is <strong>the</strong> youngest woman ever <strong>to</strong> be sent <strong>to</strong><br />
<strong>Woody</strong>s after she was arrested by <strong>the</strong> Dark Agents at<br />
a private party at <strong>the</strong> family pile on her eighteenth<br />
birthday. Her school<strong>in</strong>g co<strong>in</strong>cided with <strong>the</strong> abolition <strong>of</strong><br />
corporal punishment but <strong>in</strong> <strong>the</strong> days preced<strong>in</strong>g <strong>the</strong><br />
change <strong>in</strong> <strong>the</strong> law she managed <strong>to</strong> accumulate a<br />
creditable tally <strong>of</strong> whops and was probably on <strong>the</strong><br />
road <strong>to</strong> greatness.<br />
In contrast Michelle is oldest woman <strong>to</strong> be sent<br />
<strong>to</strong> <strong>Woody</strong>s, <strong>in</strong> fact it is only a loop-hole exploited by<br />
<strong>the</strong> Dark Agents that makes her <strong>in</strong>carceration legal.<br />
She had previously served a term at <strong>the</strong> Ripley<br />
<strong>Back</strong> <strong>to</strong> <strong>School</strong> <strong>Unit</strong> and was released on probation.<br />
Somewhere along <strong>the</strong> way she went <strong>to</strong> Canada for a<br />
short trip and managed <strong>to</strong> miss her flight home. She<br />
became known as <strong>the</strong> ‘Runaway Ladette’. I’m not<br />
sure <strong>of</strong> all <strong>the</strong> details but somehow she ended up<br />
be<strong>in</strong>g featured on some pho<strong>to</strong>grapher’s web-site <strong>in</strong> a<br />
series <strong>of</strong> deliciously erotic poses. Unfortunately for<br />
Michelle some old perv from <strong>the</strong> Dark Agents
A <strong>Life</strong> <strong>in</strong> <strong>the</strong> <strong>Day</strong> <strong>of</strong> <strong>Nixdown</strong> <strong>Nixon</strong><br />
happened upon <strong>the</strong> pho<strong>to</strong>-set when he was surf<strong>in</strong>g<br />
<strong>the</strong> web for such material and she was arrested.<br />
Michelle certa<strong>in</strong>ly didn’t arrive sport<strong>in</strong>g a virg<strong>in</strong><br />
arse. Accord<strong>in</strong>g <strong>to</strong> M<strong>in</strong>istry <strong>of</strong> Education records made<br />
public dur<strong>in</strong>g <strong>the</strong> tribunal she ranks number four<br />
beh<strong>in</strong>d Debs, Claire and <strong>the</strong> Bounder as <strong>the</strong> most<br />
caned pupils <strong>in</strong> his<strong>to</strong>ry.<br />
Of course, <strong>of</strong>ficially we are <strong>the</strong>ir men<strong>to</strong>rs and<br />
not supposed <strong>to</strong> encourage <strong>the</strong>ir outrageous antics.<br />
However, Mr Humphries gave us <strong>the</strong>se assignments<br />
and he rarely does anyth<strong>in</strong>g without some motive. If<br />
he thought that it was appropriate <strong>to</strong> put <strong>the</strong> foxes <strong>in</strong><br />
charge <strong>of</strong> <strong>the</strong> hen-house <strong>the</strong>n he doubtless knew<br />
what <strong>to</strong> expect.<br />
I say ta-rah <strong>to</strong> Frankie and set-<strong>of</strong>f <strong>to</strong> cont<strong>in</strong>ue<br />
on my rounds.
12<br />
Rude, Grumpy and Foul-Mou<strong>the</strong>d<br />
<strong>The</strong> floor below <strong>the</strong> Elite land<strong>in</strong>g houses more<br />
studies that are occupied by <strong>the</strong> Phase Five and Six<br />
<strong>in</strong>mates. <strong>The</strong>y are smaller than <strong>the</strong> upstairs suites<br />
and each small room has two s<strong>in</strong>gle beds, a couple <strong>of</strong><br />
work-stations and a small en-suite bathroom. <strong>The</strong>y<br />
may be small but <strong>the</strong>y are considerably better than<br />
<strong>the</strong> open-plan dorms we slept <strong>in</strong> dur<strong>in</strong>g <strong>the</strong> first years<br />
<strong>of</strong> our sentences.<br />
I shared a study with Jojo for two years which<br />
was a lot <strong>of</strong> fun. Jojo is k<strong>in</strong>d <strong>of</strong> <strong>the</strong> life-force amongst<br />
<strong>the</strong> community and our study was always as busy as<br />
Grand Central Station. I can’t tell you how much<br />
mischief and mayhem was plotted <strong>in</strong> our little study.<br />
Glorious times.<br />
Halfway along <strong>the</strong> Phase 6 land<strong>in</strong>g I s<strong>to</strong>p and<br />
poke my head around <strong>the</strong> door <strong>of</strong> <strong>the</strong> study occupied<br />
by Bernadette Summers and Lisa Sut<strong>to</strong>n.<br />
<strong>The</strong> two gals are seated on <strong>the</strong>ir beds<br />
surrounded by piles <strong>of</strong> bank-notes. Bernadette, or <strong>the</strong><br />
Bounder, as she is better known is <strong>the</strong> campus
A <strong>Life</strong> <strong>in</strong> <strong>the</strong> <strong>Day</strong> <strong>of</strong> <strong>Nixdown</strong> <strong>Nixon</strong><br />
bookie. She takes bets on anyth<strong>in</strong>g from <strong>the</strong> nags <strong>to</strong><br />
<strong>the</strong> dogs but <strong>the</strong>se days we mostly bet on our<br />
bumbags. We can wager on all manner <strong>of</strong><br />
permutations, who is go<strong>in</strong>g <strong>to</strong> be whopped next,<br />
rank<strong>in</strong>g on <strong>the</strong> Hall <strong>of</strong> Shame, etcetera, etcetera.<br />
Saturday morn<strong>in</strong>g is settl<strong>in</strong>g up time and <strong>the</strong> Bounder<br />
and Lisa are pour<strong>in</strong>g over <strong>the</strong>ir ledgers.<br />
“How did you do this week?” I ask <strong>the</strong>m.<br />
“I lost my blouse, my blazer and my<br />
bumbags,” grumbles <strong>the</strong> Bounder.<br />
Lisa just chuckles and rolls her eyes. <strong>The</strong><br />
Bounder always claims that she is mak<strong>in</strong>g spectacular<br />
losses but we all know different. She makes out like a<br />
bandit.<br />
Gambl<strong>in</strong>g is not <strong>the</strong> Bounders only l<strong>in</strong>e <strong>of</strong><br />
bus<strong>in</strong>ess. Her godfa<strong>the</strong>r is a colorful cove called<br />
Stacks Monroe. Stacks owns a highly respected jazz<br />
club up <strong>in</strong> <strong>the</strong> Smoke. He is also a gangster and <strong>the</strong><br />
best fence <strong>in</strong> <strong>the</strong> city. Oh, and I should add that he is<br />
a gentleman and one <strong>of</strong> <strong>the</strong> nicest people you will<br />
ever meet.<br />
Stacks provides Bernadette with a wide array<br />
<strong>of</strong> contraband which she sells around campus. <strong>The</strong>re<br />
is almost noth<strong>in</strong>g that she can’t get her hands on so<br />
she is a very useful and popular member <strong>of</strong> <strong>the</strong><br />
community.<br />
Lisa runs her f<strong>in</strong>ger down <strong>the</strong> ledger. “We owe<br />
you a few squids Nix, do you want cash or shall we<br />
keep it on your account?” she asks me.<br />
I laugh. <strong>The</strong> only real place <strong>to</strong> spend money on<br />
<strong>the</strong> campus is with Bernadette Summers Enterprises.<br />
If I’m not bett<strong>in</strong>g on my bumbags I’m buy<strong>in</strong>g booze,
51<br />
fags or o<strong>the</strong>r items from her <strong>in</strong>ven<strong>to</strong>ry. <strong>The</strong>re’s little<br />
po<strong>in</strong>t <strong>in</strong> cash<strong>in</strong>g <strong>in</strong> my chips.<br />
“I’ll let it roll over,” I tell <strong>the</strong>m.<br />
<strong>The</strong> Bounder stands up and starts <strong>to</strong> slide<br />
envelopes stuffed with cash <strong>in</strong><strong>to</strong> <strong>the</strong> elastic waistband<br />
<strong>of</strong> her bumbags. It is really quite amaz<strong>in</strong>g what she<br />
manages <strong>to</strong> secret under her skirt.<br />
She picks up a particularly well stuffed<br />
envelope and scowls. “Look at this,” she grumbles.<br />
“Cat has been bett<strong>in</strong>g large on Cassie Cassy. I don’t<br />
th<strong>in</strong>k that it’s fair that she can bet on her sister.<br />
That’s like <strong>in</strong>sider trad<strong>in</strong>g.”<br />
Lisa rolls her eyes aga<strong>in</strong>. “You <strong>to</strong>ok <strong>the</strong> bet,<br />
Bounder. Cat would str<strong>in</strong>g you up by <strong>the</strong> elastic <strong>of</strong><br />
those magic bumbags <strong>of</strong> yours if you don’t pay up.”<br />
Bernadette just glowers. <strong>The</strong> Bounder is<br />
awesomely gorgeous. She is Sri-Lankan and has <strong>the</strong><br />
most beautiful and perfect sk<strong>in</strong> I’ve ever seen. She<br />
has jet-black hair and eyes and teeth that gleam<br />
when she smiles, which is rarely. She shrugs on her<br />
blazer and s<strong>to</strong>mps <strong>to</strong>wards <strong>the</strong> door mutter<strong>in</strong>g dark<br />
hexes aga<strong>in</strong>st <strong>the</strong> punters who have had <strong>the</strong> audacity<br />
<strong>to</strong> actually w<strong>in</strong> and are demand<strong>in</strong>g pay-out.<br />
Bernadette is belligerent, grumpy, rude and foulmou<strong>the</strong>d<br />
and I th<strong>in</strong>k she is wonderful.<br />
I cont<strong>in</strong>ue on my rounds, work<strong>in</strong>g my down<br />
through <strong>the</strong> lower land<strong>in</strong>gs that house <strong>the</strong><br />
dormi<strong>to</strong>ries.<br />
By <strong>the</strong> time I was sentenced I already owned<br />
my own flat <strong>in</strong> a fashionable area <strong>of</strong> <strong>the</strong> Smoke so it<br />
came as someth<strong>in</strong>g <strong>of</strong> a shock <strong>to</strong> learn that for <strong>the</strong><br />
next four years I would be forced <strong>to</strong> share my new
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digs with eleven o<strong>the</strong>r <strong>in</strong>mates. <strong>The</strong> dorms <strong>of</strong>fer<br />
almost no privacy, just six beds l<strong>in</strong>ed up on ei<strong>the</strong>r<br />
sides <strong>of</strong> <strong>the</strong> austere room. Unlike <strong>the</strong> upstairs study’s<br />
we were not allowed <strong>to</strong> hang pictures or show <strong>of</strong>f<br />
personal effects. Even dur<strong>in</strong>g <strong>the</strong> period I spent <strong>in</strong><br />
reform school I enjoyed better accommodations.<br />
None<strong>the</strong>less, <strong>in</strong> h<strong>in</strong>dsight we had a lot <strong>of</strong> fun<br />
and we got over our <strong>in</strong>hibitions. <strong>The</strong> dorms were a<br />
hot-bed <strong>of</strong> plott<strong>in</strong>g, plann<strong>in</strong>g, conniv<strong>in</strong>g and<br />
malfeasance.<br />
<strong>The</strong> rules regard<strong>in</strong>g silence after lockdown are<br />
strictly imposed. That didn’t s<strong>to</strong>p us. We rout<strong>in</strong>ely<br />
engaged <strong>in</strong> games <strong>of</strong> ‘Dare’ and played cat and<br />
mouse with <strong>the</strong> Dorm Raiders. <strong>The</strong> stakes were high;<br />
if we were caught a can<strong>in</strong>g was manda<strong>to</strong>ry. Even for<br />
a pa<strong>in</strong> junkie like me, gett<strong>in</strong>g six stripes under your<br />
jimjams last th<strong>in</strong>g at night is not particularly<br />
conducive <strong>to</strong> a good night’s shut-eye. Of course we<br />
are <strong>Woody</strong> Gals and we did not let <strong>the</strong> threat <strong>of</strong> six <strong>of</strong><br />
<strong>the</strong> best divert us from <strong>the</strong> joys <strong>of</strong> m<strong>in</strong>x<strong>in</strong>g. Dur<strong>in</strong>g<br />
those years <strong>of</strong> co-habituat<strong>in</strong>g <strong>in</strong> <strong>the</strong> dorms I was<br />
probably caned a dozen times and my record was not<br />
considered particularly noteworthy. Sweet and pa<strong>in</strong>ful<br />
memories.
13<br />
Fresh from a Whopp<strong>in</strong>g<br />
I cross <strong>the</strong> quad and go over <strong>to</strong> <strong>the</strong> cafeteria <strong>in</strong><br />
pursuit <strong>of</strong> more java. <strong>The</strong> café is crowded with <strong>the</strong><br />
boisterous sounds <strong>of</strong> <strong>the</strong> <strong>in</strong>mates hang<strong>in</strong>g out<br />
gabb<strong>in</strong>g and chow<strong>in</strong>g down on <strong>the</strong> brunch that Cassie<br />
Cassy and her crew have prepared. In general at<br />
weekends <strong>the</strong> <strong>in</strong>mates are cut plenty <strong>of</strong> slack and <strong>the</strong><br />
only rules <strong>in</strong> <strong>the</strong> cafeteria are no excessive and<br />
dangerous horseplay and strictly no food fights.<br />
A few weeks ago I was on duty when <strong>the</strong> Bond<br />
tw<strong>in</strong>s started lobb<strong>in</strong>g food about as if <strong>the</strong>y were<br />
chimpanzee’s at a shit-throw<strong>in</strong>g tea-party and<br />
pandemonium ensued. It <strong>to</strong>ok some considerable<br />
time for me and Deborah <strong>to</strong> res<strong>to</strong>re order and<br />
resulted <strong>in</strong> a mass beat<strong>in</strong>g. Hopefully we won’t have a<br />
repeat <strong>of</strong> that <strong>in</strong>cident <strong>to</strong>day.<br />
I go over <strong>to</strong> <strong>the</strong> c<strong>of</strong>fee station and score some<br />
espresso. I am fill<strong>in</strong>g my cup when Melanie White and<br />
Claire Brooks come over. <strong>The</strong>y are both dressed <strong>in</strong> full<br />
clobber and I can tell <strong>in</strong>stantly that <strong>the</strong>y are both<br />
fresh from a whopp<strong>in</strong>g.
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Claire and Melons have <strong>of</strong>ficially f<strong>in</strong>ished <strong>the</strong>ir<br />
sentences and are enrolled <strong>in</strong> <strong>the</strong> Old Gal program.<br />
Generally <strong>the</strong>y are afforded <strong>the</strong> privilege <strong>of</strong> dress<strong>in</strong>g<br />
<strong>in</strong> civilian clo<strong>the</strong>s unless <strong>the</strong>y have managed <strong>to</strong> earn<br />
<strong>the</strong>mselves whops. It is not just <strong>the</strong> clobber that’s a<br />
giveaway, as <strong>the</strong>y approach <strong>the</strong> station <strong>the</strong>y both<br />
have <strong>the</strong>ir hands stuffed <strong>in</strong><strong>to</strong> <strong>the</strong>ir blazer pockets.<br />
This is standard <strong>Woody</strong> procedure <strong>to</strong> avoid <strong>the</strong><br />
temptation <strong>of</strong> engag<strong>in</strong>g <strong>in</strong> <strong>the</strong> card<strong>in</strong>al s<strong>in</strong> <strong>of</strong> public<br />
rubb<strong>in</strong>g.<br />
“How’s it go<strong>in</strong>g?” I greet <strong>the</strong>m. I would not be<br />
so crass as <strong>to</strong> demand details <strong>of</strong> <strong>the</strong> miss-adventures<br />
<strong>of</strong> <strong>the</strong>ir bumbags unless <strong>the</strong>y are volunteered.<br />
However between you, me and <strong>the</strong> garden post I<br />
doubt that I will be left wonder<strong>in</strong>g for <strong>to</strong>o long.<br />
Melons reaches over for a mug. “We’ve just<br />
been soundly beaten,” she <strong>in</strong>forms me.<br />
Now I grant you that <strong>in</strong> some walks <strong>of</strong> life that<br />
this response might be considered a tad queer but at<br />
<strong>Woody</strong>s we talk about whops twenty-four-seven,<br />
which is hardly surpris<strong>in</strong>g consider<strong>in</strong>g that is more or<br />
less <strong>the</strong> timetable that whops are on <strong>the</strong> menu<br />
around this jo<strong>in</strong>t.<br />
“Very soundly,” agrees Claire as she starts <strong>to</strong><br />
pour c<strong>of</strong>fee. “He’s got a new cane and we were his<br />
gu<strong>in</strong>ea pigs. It’s a fuck<strong>in</strong>g killer.”<br />
“I’m sorry <strong>to</strong> hear that,” I tell <strong>the</strong>m.<br />
Melanie rolled her eyes at me. “No you’re not<br />
Nix, you are chomp<strong>in</strong>g at <strong>the</strong> bit <strong>to</strong> hear <strong>the</strong> gory<br />
details.”<br />
“We were late back for curfew,” expla<strong>in</strong>s<br />
Claire.
55<br />
I remember that G<strong>in</strong>ger had <strong>to</strong>ld me that she<br />
got six on <strong>the</strong> silks from Melons last night.<br />
“Weren’t you on duty?” I ask Melanie.<br />
“I was,” she expla<strong>in</strong>ed. “I’d just come <strong>of</strong>f shift<br />
and was about <strong>to</strong> turn <strong>in</strong> when Claire called me from<br />
Gabriels. She had some stud-muff<strong>in</strong> on <strong>the</strong> hook and<br />
needed someone <strong>to</strong> distract his buddy so I went over<br />
for a cocktail or three. Somehow we misscommunicated<br />
and nei<strong>the</strong>r <strong>of</strong> us phoned Ellen and <strong>the</strong><br />
next th<strong>in</strong>g we knew we were due for a whopp<strong>in</strong>g. Put<br />
a bit <strong>of</strong> a wet squib on <strong>the</strong> even<strong>in</strong>g.”<br />
“Put a wet squib on a lot <strong>of</strong> th<strong>in</strong>gs,” sighed<br />
Claire. “I’m supposed <strong>to</strong> ride po<strong>in</strong>t this afternoon and<br />
<strong>the</strong> prospect <strong>of</strong> sitt<strong>in</strong>g my arse <strong>in</strong> a saddle is not very<br />
attractive.”<br />
I giggle. “You’ve got an arse like lea<strong>the</strong>r sis,” I<br />
tease her, “how many times have I seen you go over<br />
your Ma’s knee and <strong>the</strong>n get right back <strong>in</strong> <strong>the</strong> saddle<br />
and w<strong>in</strong> a major event?”<br />
Claire blushes slightly and mutters someth<strong>in</strong>g<br />
<strong>in</strong>audible, but she can’t deny that I’m right. Watch<strong>in</strong>g<br />
Claire be<strong>in</strong>g spanked was a common occurrence when<br />
we rid<strong>in</strong>g on <strong>the</strong> circuit and her Ma didn’t believe <strong>in</strong><br />
little paddy whack<strong>in</strong>g’s. When she put Claire over her<br />
knee she meant bus<strong>in</strong>ess. It was fasc<strong>in</strong>at<strong>in</strong>g stuff.<br />
“Is Rosemary around?” asks Melons.<br />
I nod. “She’s probably upstairs swapp<strong>in</strong>g<br />
cyber-spit with <strong>the</strong> Foxy-one,” I tell <strong>the</strong>m. “M<strong>in</strong>d if I<br />
tag along and <strong>in</strong>spect <strong>the</strong> damage?”<br />
I watch as Melanie spreads herself out across<br />
Rosemary Booker’s lap. Rosie folds back <strong>the</strong> hem <strong>of</strong><br />
Melanie’s skirt and <strong>the</strong>n, very carefully, rolls down her
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bumbags. It is clear that Claire wasn’t exaggerat<strong>in</strong>g<br />
when she said that <strong>the</strong> Grand Master’s new cane was<br />
a killer, <strong>the</strong> stripes on display are extremely ripe.<br />
Once aga<strong>in</strong> I admit that <strong>in</strong> some strata’s <strong>of</strong><br />
society <strong>the</strong> concept <strong>of</strong> be<strong>in</strong>g bent over a lap with<br />
one’s bumbags around one’s ankles so that your<br />
chums can perform <strong>in</strong>spection might seem a little<br />
peculiar; but <strong>of</strong> course at <strong>Woody</strong>s it is an every-day<br />
event.<br />
Melanie is a physical phenomenon. She is even<br />
shorter that I am but she is gifted with <strong>the</strong> most<br />
extraord<strong>in</strong>ary beautiful pair <strong>of</strong> breasts. Before I<br />
started <strong>to</strong> go steady with Penny Ann I seduced<br />
Melons a time or two. She is not actually that way<br />
<strong>in</strong>cl<strong>in</strong>ed but when you are locked up for threequarters<br />
<strong>of</strong> <strong>the</strong> year boredom sets <strong>in</strong>. Besides who<br />
could resist <strong>the</strong> charms <strong>of</strong> Yours Truly?<br />
In contrast <strong>to</strong> her front view her bot<strong>to</strong>m is<br />
really quite under-sized so it is a tribute <strong>to</strong> <strong>the</strong> Grand<br />
Master’s skill with a cane that every stroke was<br />
conta<strong>in</strong>ed with<strong>in</strong> <strong>the</strong> safe zone we call <strong>the</strong> sweet spot.<br />
Rosemary dips her f<strong>in</strong>gers <strong>in</strong><strong>to</strong> a pot and<br />
greases <strong>the</strong>m. She expertly runs <strong>the</strong> tips <strong>of</strong> her<br />
f<strong>in</strong>gers along <strong>the</strong> stripes. She expla<strong>in</strong>s that her latest<br />
potion is comprised <strong>of</strong> aloe vera and m<strong>in</strong>t and an<br />
obscure herb that she had managed <strong>to</strong> secure,<br />
doubtless with <strong>the</strong> help <strong>of</strong> <strong>the</strong> Bounder.<br />
Melanie wriggles and squirms. “Whoa, that<br />
st<strong>in</strong>gs,” she mutters.<br />
“Give it a few seconds,” Rosemary reassures<br />
her, “that st<strong>in</strong>g will turn <strong>in</strong><strong>to</strong> a t<strong>in</strong>gle and <strong>the</strong>n it will<br />
completely cool you down.”
57<br />
“I wish it would hurry up,” grunts Melons, and<br />
<strong>the</strong>n my cell-phone rang.
14<br />
<strong>The</strong> Troublesome Tw<strong>in</strong>s<br />
I race down <strong>the</strong> stairs and out <strong>in</strong><strong>to</strong> <strong>the</strong> quad. A<br />
number <strong>of</strong> <strong>in</strong>mates have congregated and formed a<br />
circle. I shoulder my way through. Two gals are<br />
stand<strong>in</strong>g with <strong>the</strong>ir hands on <strong>the</strong>ir heads glar<strong>in</strong>g at<br />
each o<strong>the</strong>r under <strong>the</strong> supervision <strong>of</strong> Charlie Barber<br />
who is a member <strong>of</strong> <strong>the</strong> Elite. <strong>The</strong> two gals are<br />
<strong>in</strong>dist<strong>in</strong>guishable from each o<strong>the</strong>r, <strong>the</strong>y are identical<br />
tw<strong>in</strong>s.<br />
Veronica and Reg<strong>in</strong>a Bond are no<strong>to</strong>rious for<br />
<strong>the</strong>ir sibl<strong>in</strong>g rivalry and <strong>the</strong>ir <strong>of</strong>ten acrimonious<br />
disagreements. Despite hav<strong>in</strong>g <strong>the</strong>ir hands on <strong>the</strong>ir<br />
heads <strong>the</strong>re are clear signs <strong>of</strong> hostility on <strong>the</strong>ir faces.<br />
Charlie walks over <strong>to</strong> meet me. “I was on my<br />
way <strong>to</strong> <strong>the</strong> Wellness Center when I happened upon<br />
<strong>the</strong>se two. Ronnie pulled Reggie’s hair and Reggie<br />
hacked Ronnie <strong>in</strong> <strong>the</strong> sh<strong>in</strong>s. <strong>The</strong>y would have<br />
scratched each o<strong>the</strong>r’s eyes out if I hadn’t managed<br />
<strong>to</strong> get <strong>in</strong> between <strong>the</strong>m,” she expla<strong>in</strong>ed.
59<br />
Charlotte Barber is a very good th<strong>in</strong>g and as<br />
sound as a trout. She doesn’t make unnecessary<br />
trouble for anybody.<br />
“Thanks Charlie,” I sigh. “I’ll take it from here.”<br />
I walk over <strong>to</strong> <strong>the</strong> tw<strong>in</strong>s and reach <strong>in</strong><strong>to</strong> my<br />
blazer pocket. This is a part <strong>of</strong> my job that I detest.<br />
<strong>The</strong> pro<strong>to</strong>cols require me <strong>to</strong> formally red card <strong>the</strong>m,<br />
so I palm <strong>the</strong> card and try <strong>to</strong> do it with as little drama<br />
as possible.<br />
“Come along,” I tell <strong>the</strong>m, “Let’s get you up <strong>to</strong><br />
<strong>the</strong> library. I’ll contact Miss Mor<strong>to</strong>n and she’ll be along<br />
<strong>to</strong> beat you at her earliest convenience. Now let’s be<br />
sensible, I don’t want any push<strong>in</strong>g, prodd<strong>in</strong>g or<br />
pok<strong>in</strong>g on <strong>the</strong> way or I will be obliged <strong>to</strong> take you up<br />
before <strong>the</strong> Grand Master. Now lower your arms and<br />
cut along sharpish. I’ll be right beh<strong>in</strong>d you.”<br />
I pull out my smartphone and speed-dial Debs.<br />
Derby answers <strong>the</strong> call.<br />
“This is Miss Mor<strong>to</strong>n’s assistant, how my I help<br />
you?” she says <strong>in</strong> her ref<strong>in</strong>ed aris<strong>to</strong>cratic accent.<br />
“Derby, you know who it is for gawds sake,<br />
<strong>the</strong>re is no need for this formality, where’s Debs?” I<br />
try not <strong>to</strong> sound <strong>to</strong>o snappy. Lady Hunt<strong>in</strong>g<strong>to</strong>n has<br />
written her own script and dances <strong>to</strong> her own<br />
drummer and who am I <strong>to</strong> criticize?<br />
“Miss Mor<strong>to</strong>n is <strong>in</strong> <strong>the</strong> shower,” responds<br />
Derby, apparently oblivious <strong>to</strong> my terseness. “Do you<br />
require her <strong>to</strong> mobilize <strong>to</strong> <strong>the</strong> library?”<br />
<strong>The</strong>re is little doubt <strong>in</strong> my m<strong>in</strong>d that if she<br />
wasn’t banged up <strong>in</strong> <strong>Woody</strong>s that she would be an<br />
<strong>in</strong>mate at <strong>the</strong> Home for <strong>the</strong> Bewildered. She is<br />
certifiably bark<strong>in</strong>g.
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“Yes Derby,” I say as patiently as possible.<br />
“Please ask her <strong>to</strong> mobilize <strong>to</strong> <strong>the</strong> library. <strong>The</strong> Bond<br />
tw<strong>in</strong>s will be wait<strong>in</strong>g for her.”<br />
“I shall <strong>in</strong>form Miss Mor<strong>to</strong>n and you can advise<br />
<strong>the</strong> tw<strong>in</strong>s that she will be along <strong>to</strong> take care <strong>of</strong> <strong>the</strong>m<br />
with<strong>in</strong> <strong>the</strong> next thirty m<strong>in</strong>utes,” she replies.<br />
“Thank you Derby,” I say wearily and set <strong>of</strong>f <strong>in</strong><br />
pursuit <strong>of</strong> <strong>the</strong> tw<strong>in</strong>s.<br />
It is really quite extraord<strong>in</strong>ary, if you walk<br />
beh<strong>in</strong>d <strong>the</strong> tw<strong>in</strong>s it is as if <strong>the</strong>y have been cut from<br />
<strong>the</strong> same mould. <strong>The</strong>y are exactly <strong>the</strong> same height<br />
and have <strong>the</strong> same physique, even <strong>the</strong>ir hair is <strong>the</strong><br />
same length <strong>to</strong> <strong>the</strong> millimeter. <strong>The</strong>y keep stride with<br />
each o<strong>the</strong>r as we traverse <strong>the</strong> corridors and stairwells<br />
<strong>to</strong> <strong>the</strong> land<strong>in</strong>g that hosts <strong>the</strong> library without ever<br />
look<strong>in</strong>g at each o<strong>the</strong>r, but somehow it is hard not <strong>to</strong><br />
get <strong>the</strong> impression that <strong>the</strong>y are communicat<strong>in</strong>g.<br />
Quite eerie, when you come <strong>to</strong> th<strong>in</strong>k about it.<br />
Deborah calls me back. “What was it this time,<br />
scrapp<strong>in</strong>g aga<strong>in</strong>?”<br />
“Yeah, who knows what about. Charlotte said<br />
<strong>the</strong>y refused <strong>to</strong> comment. I suppose it doesn’t matter<br />
really,” I tell my chum.<br />
“Well I need <strong>to</strong> dry my hair and get dressed,<br />
tell <strong>the</strong>m that I’ll be along <strong>to</strong> beat <strong>the</strong>m as soon as<br />
possible,” she tells me.<br />
I arrange <strong>the</strong> tw<strong>in</strong>s on ei<strong>the</strong>r side <strong>of</strong> <strong>the</strong><br />
hallway so that <strong>the</strong>y don’t succumb <strong>to</strong> <strong>the</strong> temptation<br />
<strong>of</strong> gett<strong>in</strong>g <strong>in</strong><strong>to</strong> ano<strong>the</strong>r scrap. <strong>The</strong>y both know <strong>the</strong><br />
form. <strong>The</strong>y raise <strong>the</strong>ir arms and <strong>in</strong>ter-l<strong>in</strong>k <strong>the</strong>ir hands
61<br />
on <strong>to</strong>p <strong>of</strong> <strong>the</strong>ir heads and crane <strong>the</strong>ir necks slightly so<br />
that <strong>the</strong>y can <strong>to</strong>uch <strong>the</strong> tips <strong>of</strong> <strong>the</strong>ir noses aga<strong>in</strong>st <strong>the</strong><br />
panel<strong>in</strong>g <strong>of</strong> <strong>the</strong> wood-panel<strong>in</strong>g. Normally I would<br />
leave <strong>the</strong>m unattended but I don’t want poor Debs <strong>to</strong><br />
arrive and have <strong>to</strong> deal with <strong>the</strong> aftermath <strong>of</strong> a catfight.<br />
I lean back aga<strong>in</strong>st <strong>the</strong> wall and cross my arms<br />
across my chest. With noth<strong>in</strong>g better <strong>to</strong> do I playback<br />
<strong>the</strong> many delicious moments <strong>of</strong> last night when I<br />
was lay<strong>in</strong>g face downwards across Penelope Ann’s lap<br />
hav<strong>in</strong>g <strong>the</strong> temperature <strong>of</strong> my bum adjusted with a<br />
rid<strong>in</strong>g crop. Sweet, sweet memories.
15<br />
A Spank<strong>in</strong>g for Rosie<br />
Penny Ann gave me a thorough whipp<strong>in</strong>g,<br />
which is <strong>of</strong> course what I wanted. Over <strong>the</strong> space <strong>of</strong><br />
several hours I <strong>to</strong>ok four trips over Pen’s knee<br />
<strong>in</strong>clud<strong>in</strong>g <strong>the</strong> <strong>in</strong>itial hand-spank<strong>in</strong>g. I have a healthy<br />
level <strong>of</strong> pa<strong>in</strong>-<strong>to</strong>lerance and like my chum Claire years<br />
<strong>in</strong> <strong>the</strong> saddle has probably worked <strong>to</strong> my advantage<br />
and <strong>to</strong>ughened up my bum considerably. <strong>The</strong>se are <strong>of</strong><br />
course useful attributes when you are plann<strong>in</strong>g a<br />
night <strong>of</strong> extended benders.<br />
I am still revel<strong>in</strong>g <strong>in</strong> my warm memories when<br />
I hear <strong>the</strong> click <strong>of</strong> heels <strong>in</strong> <strong>the</strong> corridor below. I<br />
assume that it is Deborah mak<strong>in</strong>g her way up <strong>to</strong> <strong>the</strong><br />
land<strong>in</strong>g <strong>to</strong> cane <strong>the</strong> tw<strong>in</strong>s.<br />
<strong>The</strong> library is <strong>in</strong> a secluded w<strong>in</strong>g <strong>of</strong> <strong>the</strong> ma<strong>in</strong><br />
build<strong>in</strong>g and <strong>the</strong> click <strong>of</strong> Debs heels echo <strong>in</strong> <strong>the</strong> empty<br />
hallways. <strong>The</strong> tw<strong>in</strong>s cont<strong>in</strong>ue <strong>to</strong> face <strong>the</strong> wall with<br />
<strong>the</strong>ir noses pressed <strong>to</strong> <strong>the</strong> woodwork. However<br />
tempt<strong>in</strong>g <strong>the</strong>y are both aware that <strong>the</strong>y must not<br />
move until <strong>the</strong>y are given <strong>the</strong> release command. <strong>The</strong><br />
nose and <strong>to</strong>es pro<strong>to</strong>cols are very specific; <strong>the</strong>ir noses
63<br />
must never leave <strong>the</strong> varnished panel<strong>in</strong>g and no<br />
matter how leaden <strong>the</strong>ir arms become <strong>the</strong>ir elbows<br />
must never make contact with <strong>the</strong> wall.<br />
It takes several m<strong>in</strong>utes for Debs <strong>to</strong> mount <strong>the</strong><br />
four flights <strong>of</strong> stairs and make her way up <strong>to</strong> <strong>the</strong><br />
land<strong>in</strong>g. Her footsteps are gett<strong>in</strong>g louder as she<br />
makes her f<strong>in</strong>al approach.<br />
Over <strong>the</strong> years I have spent more time than I<br />
wish <strong>to</strong> recall outside <strong>the</strong> library wait<strong>in</strong>g <strong>to</strong> be caned.<br />
No matter how whop-hardened you become it is<br />
impossible not <strong>to</strong> beg<strong>in</strong> <strong>to</strong> get nervous as <strong>the</strong><br />
unpleasant conclusion <strong>to</strong> your wait approaches.<br />
Debs is smartly dressed <strong>in</strong> her Elite clobber and<br />
even her collar and tie are neatly fastened. It is a far<br />
cry from <strong>the</strong> old Debs who <strong>of</strong>ten used <strong>to</strong> resemble an<br />
unmade bed.<br />
“Have you asked <strong>the</strong>m whe<strong>the</strong>r <strong>the</strong>y wish <strong>to</strong><br />
appeal?” she asks me.<br />
“<strong>The</strong>y have decl<strong>in</strong>ed <strong>to</strong> appeal and do not wish<br />
<strong>to</strong> talk about <strong>the</strong> <strong>in</strong>cident,” I tell Debs, “<strong>the</strong>y say it is<br />
private bus<strong>in</strong>ess and <strong>the</strong>y just want <strong>to</strong> be whopped as<br />
soon as possible so that <strong>the</strong>y can get on with <strong>the</strong>ir<br />
day.”<br />
“Very well,” she says. “Thank you Nix, I’ll take<br />
it from here,” and <strong>the</strong>n address<strong>in</strong>g <strong>the</strong> tw<strong>in</strong>s she tells<br />
<strong>the</strong>m <strong>to</strong> lower <strong>the</strong>ir arms and <strong>to</strong> proceed <strong>to</strong> <strong>the</strong><br />
punishment room.<br />
I must confess that I admire <strong>the</strong> brisk and<br />
unemotional way that Deborah conducts her bus<strong>in</strong>ess<br />
<strong>in</strong> <strong>the</strong>se situations.
A <strong>Life</strong> <strong>in</strong> <strong>the</strong> <strong>Day</strong> <strong>of</strong> <strong>Nixdown</strong> <strong>Nixon</strong><br />
In her daily life Debs can be mercurial which <strong>of</strong><br />
course makes her erratic and unpredictable and she<br />
can sometimes be downright grat<strong>in</strong>g on <strong>the</strong> nerves.<br />
However when she is on duty as <strong>the</strong> Elite<br />
Discipl<strong>in</strong>arian she is level-headed and courteous, she<br />
puts her game face on and gets on with bus<strong>in</strong>ess. I<br />
suppose she learned that from her years as a<br />
pr<strong>of</strong>essional sportswoman, but it is certa<strong>in</strong>ly an<br />
admirable quality.<br />
I feel a pang <strong>of</strong> sympathy for <strong>the</strong> tw<strong>in</strong>s as <strong>the</strong>y<br />
trudge through <strong>the</strong> heavy doorway <strong>to</strong> <strong>the</strong> library and<br />
<strong>the</strong> austere room at <strong>the</strong> back that is used exclusively<br />
for <strong>the</strong> bus<strong>in</strong>ess <strong>of</strong> whops. Of course as we are both<br />
members <strong>of</strong> <strong>the</strong> Elite I have never been caned by<br />
Deborah. She gets as<strong>to</strong>nish<strong>in</strong>g rat<strong>in</strong>gs on <strong>the</strong> GalGab<br />
web-site for technical merit, artistic quality and for<br />
<strong>the</strong> all-important heat fac<strong>to</strong>r. I have tried <strong>to</strong> coerce<br />
her <strong>to</strong> come down <strong>to</strong> <strong>the</strong> stables so that I can sample<br />
her wares but she always turns <strong>the</strong> suggestion <strong>in</strong><strong>to</strong> a<br />
joke and changes <strong>the</strong> subject. However, I am<br />
relentless <strong>in</strong> such matters and do not care for be<strong>in</strong>g<br />
refused. I shall eventually prevail.<br />
<strong>The</strong> door closes with a dull thud so my duty is<br />
done. I decide <strong>to</strong> go back <strong>to</strong> <strong>the</strong> cafeteria.<br />
<strong>The</strong> cafeteria is surpris<strong>in</strong>gly quiet, everybody<br />
has s<strong>to</strong>pped chatter<strong>in</strong>g and I immediately discover<br />
why. <strong>The</strong> sounds emanat<strong>in</strong>g from beh<strong>in</strong>d <strong>the</strong> plastic<br />
curta<strong>in</strong>s <strong>of</strong> <strong>the</strong> kitchen are unmistakable. Some poor<br />
soul is over Dotty Hammell’s knee gett<strong>in</strong>g a damn<br />
good spank<strong>in</strong>g. <strong>The</strong> gals <strong>in</strong> <strong>the</strong> ma<strong>in</strong> room are<br />
exchang<strong>in</strong>g know<strong>in</strong>g glances but keep silent out <strong>of</strong><br />
respect.
65<br />
With<strong>in</strong> m<strong>in</strong>utes Rosemary <strong>to</strong>tters out from <strong>the</strong><br />
kitchen area. Her pretty moon-face is flushed and she<br />
looks slightly shell-shocked. She is dressed <strong>in</strong> an<br />
electric p<strong>in</strong>k chef’s blouson, black cargo baggies and a<br />
match<strong>in</strong>g beanie.<br />
“I hate that fuck<strong>in</strong>g spatula,” she mutters.<br />
“Let me guess, you were late for kitchen duty<br />
because you were on-l<strong>in</strong>e gabb<strong>in</strong>g with <strong>the</strong> Foxyone,”<br />
I observe.<br />
She just nods and wriggles over <strong>to</strong> a tray full<br />
<strong>of</strong> used beakers that need <strong>to</strong> be put <strong>in</strong> <strong>the</strong> dishwasher.<br />
Dotty Hammell is <strong>the</strong> Dame <strong>in</strong> Charge <strong>of</strong><br />
Gastronomic Affairs. She is an absolute dote and very<br />
m<strong>in</strong>x-friendly. However <strong>the</strong> one th<strong>in</strong>g that she will not<br />
<strong>to</strong>lerate is tardy-timekeep<strong>in</strong>g.<br />
Rosemary is one <strong>of</strong> <strong>the</strong> most disorganized gals<br />
that I have ever met and her <strong>in</strong>ability <strong>to</strong> ma<strong>in</strong>ta<strong>in</strong><br />
schedules has played merry hell with her bumbags <strong>in</strong><br />
<strong>the</strong> past. Her natural <strong>in</strong>cl<strong>in</strong>ation for leav<strong>in</strong>g th<strong>in</strong>gs <strong>to</strong><br />
<strong>the</strong> last m<strong>in</strong>ute has not been improved by <strong>the</strong> added<br />
distraction <strong>of</strong> her on-l<strong>in</strong>e affair with her cyber-lothario<br />
who operates under <strong>the</strong> nickname <strong>of</strong> <strong>the</strong> Silver Fox.<br />
Rosemary wriggles back <strong>to</strong>wards <strong>the</strong> kitchen<br />
carry<strong>in</strong>g her load. I have no doubt that she is <strong>in</strong><br />
considerable discomfort. <strong>The</strong> wooden spatula was<br />
first <strong>in</strong>troduced dur<strong>in</strong>g Wooden Saturday dur<strong>in</strong>g <strong>the</strong><br />
Great Spank-<strong>of</strong>f and proved <strong>to</strong> be <strong>the</strong> Achilles heel <strong>of</strong><br />
some <strong>of</strong> <strong>the</strong> <strong>Unit</strong>’s most whop-hardened veterans.<br />
<strong>The</strong> broad flat head packs an <strong>in</strong>credible amount <strong>of</strong><br />
smart and st<strong>in</strong>g.
A <strong>Life</strong> <strong>in</strong> <strong>the</strong> <strong>Day</strong> <strong>of</strong> <strong>Nixdown</strong> <strong>Nixon</strong><br />
I had <strong>the</strong> misfortune <strong>of</strong> go<strong>in</strong>g over Dotty’s<br />
knee last year and I can assure you that <strong>the</strong> spatula<br />
is a lethal weapon <strong>in</strong> <strong>the</strong> punishment arena, but that<br />
is not <strong>to</strong> say it should excluded from consideration for<br />
recreational purposes.
16<br />
She Whops Very Hard<br />
I grab an apple and decide <strong>to</strong> go over and visit<br />
Pen. As I said earlier be<strong>in</strong>g Duty Moni<strong>to</strong>r can be quite<br />
tedious and <strong>in</strong>volves a lot <strong>of</strong> mooch<strong>in</strong>g about.<br />
When <strong>the</strong> Old Gal program was <strong>in</strong>troduced Mr<br />
Humphries <strong>to</strong>ok two ti<strong>the</strong> barns and renovated <strong>the</strong>m<br />
<strong>in</strong><strong>to</strong> small but quite sumptuous apartments. Pen’s is<br />
on <strong>the</strong> ground floor and I punch <strong>the</strong> pass code on<strong>to</strong><br />
<strong>the</strong> number pad and go <strong>in</strong>side.<br />
Pen is showered and dressed. She is wear<strong>in</strong>g a<br />
black turtle neck sweater, cream jodhpurs and kneelength<br />
rid<strong>in</strong>g boots. She comes over and gives me a<br />
hug and a kiss.<br />
“How’s it go<strong>in</strong>g?” she asks.<br />
“Well, G<strong>in</strong>ger, Melons, Claire and <strong>the</strong> Bond<br />
Tw<strong>in</strong>s have all been caned and Rosie just got spanked<br />
by Dotty and it’s not even midday,” I sigh.<br />
She chuckles. “Well Saturdays were always<br />
busy. I can’t tell you how many Saturday nights I was<br />
hauled up <strong>to</strong> Patty’s <strong>of</strong>fice <strong>to</strong> have my face chewed<br />
<strong>of</strong>f for allow<strong>in</strong>g <strong>the</strong> unit <strong>to</strong> fall <strong>in</strong><strong>to</strong> disrepute. Stupid<br />
fawk<strong>in</strong>’ be-yotch.”
A <strong>Life</strong> <strong>in</strong> <strong>the</strong> <strong>Day</strong> <strong>of</strong> <strong>Nixdown</strong> <strong>Nixon</strong><br />
Penny Ann had <strong>the</strong> misfortune <strong>of</strong> be<strong>in</strong>g elected<br />
Red-shirt dur<strong>in</strong>g a dark period <strong>in</strong> <strong>Woody</strong> his<strong>to</strong>ry<br />
known as Operation Scorched Arse. Poor Pen, she<br />
was <strong>the</strong> last person who wanted <strong>the</strong> job but <strong>the</strong><br />
prevail<strong>in</strong>g politics <strong>of</strong> <strong>the</strong> time left her with no<br />
alternative o<strong>the</strong>r than <strong>to</strong> accept <strong>the</strong> commission. She<br />
had a dreadful time <strong>of</strong> it try<strong>in</strong>g <strong>to</strong> curb <strong>the</strong> he<strong>in</strong>ous<br />
activities <strong>of</strong> Patty’s sponsored goons from <strong>the</strong> Secret<br />
Sorority <strong>of</strong> Serial Spankers, aka, <strong>the</strong> SS.<br />
Pen picks up a rid<strong>in</strong>g hat, lea<strong>the</strong>r gloves and<br />
her crop. I envy her. <strong>The</strong>re is noth<strong>in</strong>g more<br />
<strong>in</strong>vigorat<strong>in</strong>g than a long hard ride across <strong>the</strong> Downs<br />
after a week <strong>in</strong> <strong>the</strong> lecture rooms.<br />
As we are leav<strong>in</strong>g <strong>the</strong> apartment we happen<br />
upon Claire com<strong>in</strong>g down <strong>the</strong> stairs. She is also<br />
dressed for <strong>the</strong> ride.<br />
“So you’re go<strong>in</strong>g <strong>to</strong> risk putt<strong>in</strong>g you bum <strong>in</strong> <strong>the</strong><br />
saddle,” I giggle.<br />
She grimaces a little. “I am still absolutely<br />
sizzl<strong>in</strong>g,” she groans, “but if I let a sore arse get <strong>in</strong><br />
my way I’d never get anyth<strong>in</strong>g done.”<br />
Spoken like a true <strong>Woody</strong> gal.<br />
I watch Pen and Claire’s retreat<strong>in</strong>g backs as<br />
<strong>the</strong>y head <strong>to</strong>wards <strong>the</strong> stables and return <strong>to</strong> my<br />
rounds.<br />
Across <strong>the</strong> quad I see Ronnie and Reggie<br />
com<strong>in</strong>g out <strong>the</strong> ma<strong>in</strong> build<strong>in</strong>g. Surpris<strong>in</strong>gly <strong>the</strong>y are<br />
arm <strong>in</strong> arm.<br />
I amble over <strong>to</strong> meet <strong>the</strong>m.<br />
“How was it?” I ask.<br />
“She whops …” started Ronnie.
69<br />
“Very hard,” f<strong>in</strong>ished Reggie.<br />
I am fond <strong>of</strong> <strong>the</strong> Tw<strong>in</strong>s. <strong>The</strong>y used <strong>to</strong> play <strong>in</strong> a<br />
fairly successful retro-mod band. Ronnie was <strong>the</strong> front<br />
woman and Reggie played drums. Ronnie had a huge<br />
follow<strong>in</strong>g, despite be<strong>in</strong>g quite petite she has a huge<br />
pair <strong>of</strong> lungs and an <strong>in</strong>credible vocal range. She used<br />
<strong>to</strong> dress <strong>in</strong> <strong>the</strong>se beautiful tailored <strong>to</strong>nic mohair suits<br />
with tab collared shirts and sk<strong>in</strong>ny ties, and wear her<br />
hair <strong>in</strong> a bee-hive. <strong>The</strong> music pundits had <strong>the</strong>m<br />
dest<strong>in</strong>ed for glory but <strong>the</strong>y had a m<strong>in</strong>or problem.<br />
<strong>The</strong>ir fans were extremely enthusiastic and were<br />
much given <strong>to</strong> trash<strong>in</strong>g <strong>the</strong> jo<strong>in</strong>ts that <strong>the</strong>y played <strong>in</strong>.<br />
<strong>The</strong> Dark Agents smelled some easy prey and shortly<br />
<strong>the</strong> Tw<strong>in</strong>s were exchang<strong>in</strong>g mohair suits for <strong>Woody</strong><br />
clobber.<br />
“<strong>The</strong> closer was,” said Ronnie.<br />
“A real killer,” f<strong>in</strong>ished Reggie.<br />
It can be quite bewilder<strong>in</strong>g convers<strong>in</strong>g with <strong>the</strong><br />
tw<strong>in</strong>s. <strong>The</strong> only way <strong>to</strong> tell <strong>the</strong>m apart is by <strong>the</strong> ‘R’<br />
and ‘V’ on <strong>the</strong> bibs <strong>of</strong> <strong>the</strong>ir gymslips, and even that<br />
can be mislead<strong>in</strong>g. <strong>The</strong>y like <strong>to</strong> fuck with <strong>the</strong> heads <strong>of</strong><br />
<strong>the</strong> Brass by swapp<strong>in</strong>g clo<strong>the</strong>s so half <strong>the</strong> time<br />
nobody is quite sure who <strong>the</strong>y are actually scold<strong>in</strong>g or<br />
thrash<strong>in</strong>g. It is quite bizarre.<br />
“We’re go<strong>in</strong>g <strong>to</strong>,” said Ronnie.<br />
“Try <strong>to</strong> walk <strong>the</strong>m <strong>of</strong>f,” said Reggie.<br />
“Good luck with that I tell <strong>the</strong>m,” and leave<br />
<strong>the</strong>m <strong>to</strong> go about <strong>the</strong>ir bus<strong>in</strong>ess.<br />
It is turn<strong>in</strong>g <strong>in</strong><strong>to</strong> a pretty day and <strong>the</strong> quad and<br />
recreation areas are beg<strong>in</strong>n<strong>in</strong>g <strong>to</strong> fill up with groups<br />
play<strong>in</strong>g bridge, poker and backgammon. I go back up
A <strong>Life</strong> <strong>in</strong> <strong>the</strong> <strong>Day</strong> <strong>of</strong> <strong>Nixdown</strong> <strong>Nixon</strong><br />
<strong>the</strong> flight <strong>of</strong> steps <strong>to</strong> <strong>the</strong> balcony that will give me <strong>the</strong><br />
best vantage po<strong>in</strong>t.<br />
Debs comes up and jo<strong>in</strong>s me, she has changed<br />
<strong>in</strong><strong>to</strong> her tennis gear and is carry<strong>in</strong>g several racquets.<br />
“I’m go<strong>in</strong>g <strong>to</strong> knock up for an hour with<br />
Rachel,” she tells me. “Hopefully you won’t be<br />
need<strong>in</strong>g my services.”<br />
“Ronnie and Reggie said you did a good job,” I<br />
tell her.<br />
She flushes slightly. Despite be<strong>in</strong>g very good at<br />
her job I th<strong>in</strong>k she is still gett<strong>in</strong>g used <strong>to</strong> be<strong>in</strong>g at <strong>the</strong><br />
end <strong>of</strong> <strong>the</strong> cane that she is not quite as familiar with.<br />
When I first met her she was always talk<strong>in</strong>g about<br />
how many times that she got caned at school. Of<br />
course, I thought she was blow<strong>in</strong>g smoke as Deborah<br />
is not averse <strong>to</strong> embellishment on a grand scale.<br />
However when her shock<strong>in</strong>g record as <strong>the</strong> most<br />
caned pupil <strong>in</strong> <strong>the</strong> nation’s his<strong>to</strong>ry was made public at<br />
<strong>the</strong> Tribunal, I was forced <strong>to</strong> concede that her<br />
bumbags have seen some very serious action.<br />
“I didn’t give <strong>the</strong>m anyth<strong>in</strong>g special,” she says<br />
a tad defensively.<br />
“Why don’t you come <strong>to</strong> <strong>the</strong> stables <strong>to</strong>night<br />
and give me someth<strong>in</strong>g special,” I tease her.<br />
She rolls her eyes. “You really are bark<strong>in</strong>g<br />
aren’t you Nix,” she laughs and starts <strong>of</strong>f down <strong>the</strong><br />
stairs.<br />
“Why not?” I call after her. “You cane Spanky<br />
and Christy. Why not me?”<br />
She s<strong>to</strong>ps momentarily and looks back at me.<br />
“That’s different,” she says and hurries on her way.
17<br />
Spanky, Christy and Cedric<br />
Speak <strong>of</strong> <strong>the</strong> devil. A flame red Ferrari is<br />
approach<strong>in</strong>g along <strong>the</strong> tree-l<strong>in</strong>ed driveway. <strong>The</strong> car<br />
belongs <strong>to</strong> Miss Spanky Botts and she will doubtless<br />
be accompanied by Christy Cranfield. Now I have<br />
occasionally been accused <strong>of</strong> be<strong>in</strong>g bark<strong>in</strong>g but I can<br />
assure you that I’ve got noth<strong>in</strong>g on <strong>the</strong>se two, <strong>the</strong>y<br />
are both completely certifiable.<br />
Before he sadly passed away Spanky was <strong>the</strong><br />
muse and lover <strong>of</strong> <strong>the</strong> artist William Graham. She<br />
ga<strong>in</strong>ed considerable no<strong>to</strong>riety for her habit <strong>of</strong> bend<strong>in</strong>g<br />
over <strong>the</strong> balustrade <strong>of</strong> <strong>the</strong>ir Venetian palazzo so she<br />
could be publicly caned by her lover. She even got<br />
honorable mentions as a <strong>to</strong>urist attraction <strong>in</strong> several<br />
alternative guide-books. I am personally quite partial<br />
<strong>to</strong> a little risqué exhibitionism but even by my<br />
standards that seems a little extreme.<br />
Christy Cranfield was a successful banker<br />
before she chucked <strong>the</strong> <strong>to</strong>wel <strong>in</strong> and became a fulltime<br />
Woodette.<br />
<strong>The</strong>y are two <strong>of</strong> my favorite people.
A <strong>Life</strong> <strong>in</strong> <strong>the</strong> <strong>Day</strong> <strong>of</strong> <strong>Nixdown</strong> <strong>Nixon</strong><br />
I go down <strong>the</strong> steps and walk across <strong>the</strong> quad<br />
<strong>to</strong> greet <strong>the</strong>m. <strong>The</strong>y both avail <strong>of</strong> <strong>the</strong> services <strong>of</strong> my<br />
clobber consultant and are immaculately attired <strong>in</strong><br />
<strong>Woody</strong> Clobber, Spanky is small and elf<strong>in</strong> and even if<br />
you didn’t know her you would suspect that she is a<br />
real m<strong>in</strong>x. By contrast Christy is tall and elegant and<br />
could doubtless make a career as a super-model if<br />
she was so <strong>in</strong>cl<strong>in</strong>ed.<br />
We exchange hugs and <strong>the</strong> Spanky reaches<br />
back <strong>in</strong><strong>to</strong> <strong>the</strong> car and extracts an animal transporter.<br />
“We’re fly<strong>in</strong>g directly <strong>to</strong> Zurich when we leave<br />
here on Monday. Christy has been <strong>in</strong>vited as guest<br />
discipl<strong>in</strong>arian at a gala d<strong>in</strong>ner <strong>of</strong> <strong>the</strong> Swiss Woodettes<br />
League. Unfortunately Cathy is host<strong>in</strong>g a spank<strong>in</strong>g<br />
happen<strong>in</strong>g <strong>in</strong> F<strong>in</strong>land, and Karen is look<strong>in</strong>g after <strong>the</strong><br />
Café,” she says by way <strong>of</strong> explanation, “Jojo and <strong>the</strong><br />
Grand Master said that <strong>the</strong>y will look after Cedric<br />
while I’m away.”<br />
Cedric is an African Grey parrot and he talks a<br />
lot. However, Cedric is not much given <strong>to</strong> mak<strong>in</strong>g <strong>the</strong><br />
normal ‘pretty Polly’ type comments. His vocabulary is<br />
strictly limited <strong>to</strong> mak<strong>in</strong>g astute observations about<br />
spank<strong>in</strong>g. I suppose that is hardly surpris<strong>in</strong>g<br />
consider<strong>in</strong>g that he has been hand-reared by a diehard<br />
spankette like Spanky.<br />
Spanky Botts is a remarkable character and is<br />
responsible for promot<strong>in</strong>g what has become widely<br />
known as <strong>the</strong> Whops and Clobber zeitgeist. After <strong>the</strong><br />
tribunal she established <strong>the</strong> www.woodettes.com<br />
web-site and later opened Café <strong>Woody</strong>s, a water<strong>in</strong>ghole<br />
designed specifically <strong>to</strong> satisfy <strong>the</strong> needs <strong>of</strong> <strong>the</strong><br />
<strong>in</strong>ternational spankette set. Christy Cranfield is her
73<br />
partner and <strong>the</strong> resident ‘Mistress <strong>of</strong> Discipl<strong>in</strong>e’.<br />
Christy is ideally suited for this l<strong>in</strong>e <strong>of</strong> work.<br />
She was <strong>the</strong> President <strong>of</strong> Posh, <strong>the</strong> equivalent<br />
<strong>of</strong> Headgal, at <strong>the</strong> no<strong>to</strong>riously strict Queensgate<br />
Academy board<strong>in</strong>g school. Apparently she had<br />
frequent reason <strong>to</strong> cane Debs who was a pupil at <strong>the</strong><br />
school and Deborah says that she always caned very<br />
hard.<br />
On several occasions Christy has been k<strong>in</strong>d<br />
enough <strong>to</strong> jo<strong>in</strong> Penny Ann and I <strong>in</strong> <strong>the</strong> stables so that<br />
we could sample her wares and I can assure you that<br />
for once Deborah was not exaggerat<strong>in</strong>g. Christy<br />
Cranfield is <strong>the</strong> mistress <strong>of</strong> <strong>the</strong> rod. Penny Ann is not<br />
quite as partial <strong>to</strong> hav<strong>in</strong>g her bum whapped as I am<br />
and after an <strong>in</strong>itial experimental six <strong>of</strong> <strong>the</strong> best she<br />
has decl<strong>in</strong>ed <strong>to</strong> allow her bum with<strong>in</strong> six feet <strong>of</strong><br />
Christy’s cane.<br />
I, on <strong>the</strong> o<strong>the</strong>r hand, found <strong>the</strong> experience<br />
div<strong>in</strong>ely delicious and might well feel <strong>in</strong>cl<strong>in</strong>ed <strong>to</strong> avail<br />
<strong>of</strong> Christy’s skills sometime over <strong>the</strong> weekend.<br />
I help Christy with <strong>the</strong>ir bags while Spanky<br />
takes Cedric over <strong>to</strong> <strong>the</strong> Grand Master’s quarters<br />
where <strong>the</strong>y have <strong>in</strong>stalled a cage.<br />
Spanky and Christy pay serious quantities <strong>of</strong><br />
wedge for <strong>the</strong> privilege <strong>of</strong> stay<strong>in</strong>g at <strong>the</strong> unit.<br />
Ostensibly <strong>the</strong>y are employed as IT consultants but <strong>in</strong><br />
actuality <strong>the</strong>y come here <strong>to</strong> get <strong>the</strong>ir kicks and <strong>to</strong><br />
savor <strong>the</strong> full <strong>Woody</strong> experience. I tell you, <strong>the</strong>y are<br />
both certifiably bark<strong>in</strong>g.<br />
As we cross <strong>the</strong> quad wheel<strong>in</strong>g <strong>the</strong> cases <strong>the</strong><br />
conversation turns <strong>to</strong> whops and I <strong>in</strong>form her that
A <strong>Life</strong> <strong>in</strong> <strong>the</strong> <strong>Day</strong> <strong>of</strong> <strong>Nixdown</strong> <strong>Nixon</strong><br />
half a dozen gals had already been whopped and it<br />
was only just lunch-time.<br />
She chuckled, “Weekend madness. It’s <strong>the</strong><br />
same everywhere. <strong>Back</strong> at Queensgate Monday was<br />
always my busy day as <strong>the</strong> gals weren’t whopped at<br />
weekends. One Monday even<strong>in</strong>g I had <strong>to</strong> pop a dozen<br />
gals,” she recalled.<br />
“I bet Debs was one <strong>of</strong> <strong>the</strong>m,” I comment.<br />
She shook her head. “No dur<strong>in</strong>g my term Debs<br />
was always thrashed last th<strong>in</strong>g on Friday nights, but<br />
<strong>the</strong> Bounder was amongst <strong>the</strong>m and if I recall<br />
correctly I had <strong>to</strong> give her <strong>the</strong> max. Poor love.”<br />
“How did she take it?” I ask.<br />
Christy chuckled aga<strong>in</strong>. “You know <strong>the</strong> Bounder<br />
she curled her lip at me contemptuously and made<br />
out it didn’t hurt. But <strong>in</strong> private she would always tell<br />
me when I had got her good.”<br />
“Were you chums?” I ask.<br />
“Well not really chums, she wasn’t with us for<br />
more than a few months before she was called upon<br />
<strong>to</strong> appear at her fa<strong>the</strong>r’s trial and after that she was<br />
sent <strong>to</strong> reform school,” she replied. “I didn’t see her<br />
aga<strong>in</strong> until she was <strong>in</strong> <strong>the</strong> stand at <strong>the</strong> tribunal.”<br />
We go <strong>in</strong><strong>to</strong> <strong>the</strong> Old Gals quarters and drag <strong>the</strong><br />
suitcases up <strong>to</strong> <strong>the</strong> <strong>to</strong>p floor.<br />
“So guest discipl<strong>in</strong>arian huh?” I gr<strong>in</strong>. “Well if<br />
you need some target practice I’m always available.”<br />
Christy giggles. “I’m sure that I could<br />
accommodate you,” she tells me. “When’s a good<br />
time.”<br />
“Any time is a good time but it’s probably best<br />
<strong>to</strong> wait until <strong>to</strong>morrow, I’m <strong>to</strong>o busy <strong>to</strong>day play<strong>in</strong>g<br />
Duty Moni<strong>to</strong>r for hav<strong>in</strong>g any fun before <strong>the</strong> feast.”
18<br />
Div<strong>in</strong>ely Bonkers<br />
I take ano<strong>the</strong>r quick sp<strong>in</strong> around <strong>the</strong> campus<br />
<strong>to</strong> check for signs <strong>of</strong> mischief or malfeasance. <strong>The</strong><br />
recreation area is quite crowded with groups <strong>of</strong> gals<br />
play<strong>in</strong>g, poker, whist, g<strong>in</strong> rummy and backgammon.<br />
Bernadette and Lisa are m<strong>in</strong>gl<strong>in</strong>g. Every now and<br />
aga<strong>in</strong> Bernadette would reach under her skirt and<br />
extract a sheaf <strong>of</strong> bank-notes and make her pay-outs.<br />
Lisa religiously recorded each transaction on her<br />
smart-phone.<br />
I decide <strong>to</strong> go upstairs and change my blouse.<br />
As I enter <strong>the</strong> Elite land<strong>in</strong>g I can hear Lady Derby<br />
berat<strong>in</strong>g Yvonne and Janet for sub-standard grubb<strong>in</strong>g.<br />
I can also hear Yvonne argu<strong>in</strong>g petulantly. F<strong>in</strong>ally<br />
Derby runs out <strong>of</strong> patience.<br />
“If you would prefer I can write you up for<br />
slack<strong>in</strong>g and Miss Mor<strong>to</strong>n will take you up <strong>to</strong> <strong>the</strong><br />
library for six when she comes back from tra<strong>in</strong><strong>in</strong>g,”<br />
she snaps.<br />
“Noooooooooooo!!!” I hear Mitch <strong>the</strong> Bitch<br />
wail. What a muff.
77<br />
Janet Mitchell is an odious and sp<strong>in</strong>eless<br />
creature. For years she was Yvonne’s lieutenant <strong>in</strong> <strong>the</strong><br />
Confederacy <strong>of</strong> Yo<strong>of</strong>s and when <strong>the</strong>y were <strong>in</strong>mates<br />
she was <strong>in</strong> charge <strong>of</strong> dirty ops. She generally made<br />
sure she was <strong>in</strong> <strong>the</strong> company <strong>of</strong> her enforcers Ivan<br />
<strong>the</strong> Terrible and Spanker Spage when she got up <strong>to</strong><br />
her nefarious activities.<br />
One time a few years ago I caught her out and<br />
about on her own try<strong>in</strong>g <strong>to</strong> strong-arm protection<br />
money out <strong>of</strong> one <strong>of</strong> <strong>the</strong> grubbies. I <strong>in</strong>tervened and<br />
Janet tried <strong>to</strong> get haughty with me so I biffed her on<br />
<strong>the</strong> snooter, which <strong>to</strong>ok her by surprise as she is quite<br />
a lot taller than me. She boo-hooed like a baby.<br />
As a result <strong>of</strong> this little altercation we were<br />
both sentenced <strong>to</strong> be publicly flogged. Now I have <strong>to</strong><br />
tell you a public flogg<strong>in</strong>g is <strong>to</strong>ugh duty but we are<br />
<strong>Woody</strong> gals and we are expected <strong>to</strong> accept our fate<br />
with a certa<strong>in</strong> degree <strong>of</strong> s<strong>to</strong>ic pride. Clearly Janet<br />
never got <strong>the</strong> email. In Ms Law<strong>to</strong>n’s <strong>of</strong>fice she made a<br />
complete ass <strong>of</strong> herself weep<strong>in</strong>g and plead<strong>in</strong>g and<br />
putt<strong>in</strong>g all <strong>the</strong> blame on me.<br />
Now Ms Law<strong>to</strong>n was a wily bird and she was<br />
hav<strong>in</strong>g none <strong>of</strong> it. She knew that I only went <strong>in</strong><strong>to</strong> <strong>the</strong><br />
hooter bopp<strong>in</strong>g bus<strong>in</strong>ess with good reason. She <strong>to</strong>ld<br />
Janet <strong>to</strong> quit with <strong>the</strong> waterworks and when Mitch <strong>the</strong><br />
Bitch cont<strong>in</strong>ued <strong>to</strong> blub <strong>the</strong> Grand Dame put her over<br />
her knee and gave her someth<strong>in</strong>g <strong>to</strong> blub about.<br />
It was even worse <strong>in</strong> <strong>the</strong> hall. We were<br />
sentenced <strong>to</strong> n<strong>in</strong>e strokes each. I went first. Ms<br />
Law<strong>to</strong>n was an expert with a cane and she whopped<br />
<strong>the</strong> piss out <strong>of</strong> me. Now this might have been ra<strong>the</strong>r<br />
pleasant under different circumstances, a damned
A <strong>Life</strong> <strong>in</strong> <strong>the</strong> <strong>Day</strong> <strong>of</strong> <strong>Nixdown</strong> <strong>Nixon</strong><br />
good flogg<strong>in</strong>g mixed up with a little exhibitionism,<br />
what more could a gal ask for? But as I have<br />
emphasized earlier <strong>Nixdown</strong> does not like hav<strong>in</strong>g my<br />
bum whapped under such circumstances so I was<br />
feel<strong>in</strong>g extremely grumpy. My disposition was not<br />
greatly helped by Mitch <strong>the</strong> Bitch stand<strong>in</strong>g <strong>the</strong>re<br />
sobb<strong>in</strong>g and mutter<strong>in</strong>g pleas and generally distract<strong>in</strong>g<br />
me from gett<strong>in</strong>g <strong>in</strong><strong>to</strong> <strong>the</strong> zone. It was all most fuck<strong>in</strong>g<br />
disagreeable.<br />
Ms Law<strong>to</strong>n really did a number on me and by<br />
<strong>the</strong> time I unfolded myself from over <strong>the</strong> vault<strong>in</strong>g<br />
horse steam was com<strong>in</strong>g <strong>of</strong>f my whopp<strong>in</strong>g bags and I<br />
was even grumpier than before.<br />
None<strong>the</strong>less I could not help gr<strong>in</strong>n<strong>in</strong>g when<br />
Janet was f<strong>in</strong>ally persuaded over <strong>the</strong> horse. Ms<br />
Law<strong>to</strong>n had <strong>to</strong> threaten her with <strong>the</strong> ultimate <strong>in</strong>dignity<br />
<strong>of</strong> be<strong>in</strong>g held down by several members <strong>of</strong> <strong>the</strong> Elite<br />
before she could get Janet <strong>in</strong><strong>to</strong> position and <strong>the</strong>n <strong>the</strong><br />
fun started. <strong>The</strong> brouhaha was unbelievable. For a gal<br />
who would later show such enormous elation at<br />
sett<strong>in</strong>g <strong>of</strong>f fire-crackers <strong>in</strong>side <strong>the</strong> <strong>in</strong>mate’s bumbags<br />
she sure didn’t care much for be<strong>in</strong>g on <strong>the</strong> receiv<strong>in</strong>g<br />
end.<br />
I can’t resist pok<strong>in</strong>g my head around <strong>the</strong> door.<br />
“Is everyth<strong>in</strong>g okay?” I ask idly.<br />
Derby snorts. “I can’t believe <strong>the</strong>se two fools,<br />
<strong>the</strong>y can’t do anyth<strong>in</strong>g without me peer<strong>in</strong>g over <strong>the</strong>ir<br />
shoulder.”<br />
Yvonne glowers at her hatefully. Janet<br />
pretends <strong>to</strong> be busy dust<strong>in</strong>g a counter-<strong>to</strong>p.
79<br />
I gr<strong>in</strong>. “Looks like you have <strong>the</strong>m under<br />
control,” I tell her. “I just s<strong>to</strong>pped by <strong>to</strong> freshen up<br />
and change my blouse.”<br />
“Would you like some assistance Ma’am?” she<br />
asks keenly. “Why don’t you <strong>to</strong>uch up your make-up<br />
while I lay out a new blouse for you and <strong>the</strong>n I can<br />
brush your hair?”<br />
I do my best <strong>to</strong> suppress a smile. Lady Derby<br />
Hunt<strong>in</strong>g<strong>to</strong>n is a very queer fish and has more than a<br />
few bats loose <strong>in</strong> <strong>the</strong> belfry. I have never seen<br />
anybody so committed <strong>to</strong> <strong>the</strong> f<strong>in</strong>e art <strong>of</strong> grubb<strong>in</strong>g.<br />
When she arrived at <strong>Woody</strong>s nobody knew what <strong>to</strong><br />
expect. She was <strong>the</strong> ‘It’ gal <strong>of</strong> <strong>the</strong> Ladette party scene<br />
and has been <strong>in</strong> <strong>the</strong> news s<strong>in</strong>ce her mo<strong>the</strong>r gave birth<br />
just m<strong>in</strong>utes after her fa<strong>the</strong>r had just won <strong>the</strong> Derby.<br />
Her chaps are <strong>in</strong>credibly wealthy and <strong>the</strong>y boast <strong>the</strong><br />
largest staff <strong>of</strong> butlers, footmen and maids <strong>in</strong> <strong>the</strong><br />
nation.<br />
I suppose we expected a spoiled brat but<br />
noth<strong>in</strong>g could be fur<strong>the</strong>r from <strong>the</strong> truth. She is just<br />
simply div<strong>in</strong>ely bonkers. And by <strong>the</strong> way this is a<br />
young lady who really enjoys whops, and I mean<br />
REALLY enjoys <strong>the</strong>m.