download the May 2011 issue (PDF). - Inside Chappaqua

A R E Y O U S I N G L E ?
After a Divorce,
Who Gets Custody of the Friends?
When I
first went
through
my divorce,
the sense of
liberation
was overwhelming!
Other than
childcare
limitations,
I was free
to go anywhere
with
whomever
I wanted. I
was fortunate
that
one of my
closest girlfriends was in the same
place in life. But what about my
other married girlfriends? What
did we have in common socially
now that our lives had diverged?
Would I be excluded from dinner
parties? Would they socialize with
me without their husbands for a
night on the town or would our
interactions be limited to the occasional
brunch or movie?
Because I had been the one to
end my marriage, some of my
friends’ husbands perceived me as
someone who might potentially
show their wives how great the
“single life” is, so they discouraged
contact. Some of my friends
were eager to hit the town with
me while others shook their heads
saying, “I can’t even imagine being
‘out there’ again!”
When a couple’s social life is
highly connected to other couples,
the question arises of who gets
custody of the friends after divorce.
Laura Lee Carter, author of
How to Believe in Love Again, writes,
“When I got my divorce, which was
a completely friendly transaction,
no lawyers, all healthy, adult agreements,
I lost a number of “friends”
42 Inside Chappaqua May 2011
By Mimi Long*
and I definitely felt judged by
others.” The decision to remain
friends with the husband or wife
often depends upon a couples’
own relationship. If it is not solid,
then being around divorced people
can make them feel that their own
marriage is more vulnerable.
Bestselling author and columnist,
Julia Spira (CyberDatingExpert.
com), notes that some divorced
women find that their married
friends often provide emotional
support but may still exclude them
from social events that are attended
mainly by couples. Sometimes,
women feel threatened that their
newly single friend may have her
eyes on their man. In such a case,
they are more comfortable socializing
one-on-one.
Therapist Jaymes Ian Woode, author
of 101 Behaviors a Guy Needs
to Understand about His Woman!,
has worked with many divorced
couples trying to maintain their
friends. He has observed that if the
divorced woman is spending too
much time talking negatively about
their ex or men in general, this
may cause invitations to evaporate.
Husbands can be mistrustful of
their wives socializing with a single
friend. He
writes, “A
good marriage
does
not warrant
mistrust
when one
hangs out
with a single
friend.
However,
the opposite
is
true. A bad
marriage
will certainly
cause
husbands
to be fearful
of their wives going out with
newly divorced friends who typically
want to attract attention from
men.”
There is no one answer on how
to nurture such friendships. Much
depends on the initial strength
of the friendship. Mary Pender
Greene, a relationship expert in
New York City, advises the following:
“All of us have an “A” list and a
“B” list of friends depending on our
compatibility with them and their
availability. Ask yourself which
ones have/will come through for
you when the chips are down.”
Understand that not all your
friends will be able to satisfy all
your needs. Accept them for who
they are and embrace what they
have to offer. You will have a wider
source for friendship without
disappointment. Be happy for the
differences among them by learning
to utilize and enjoy those differences.
Mimi Long* is the pseudonym for
a freelance writer and teacher in
Westchester. She has two daughters
and enjoys traveling the world and
meeting new people.