Drowning Flood Sisters - Inside Chappaqua

When Mom, OMG, “Friends” You
By Rick Reynolds
Look. We all know that, regardless of
your age, your mother always knew
more about you than was good for her
health. But when my mother friended
me six years after her death, I’m
thinking, “Thanks a lot, Facebook!”
Upon awaking from that nightmare,
I decided to stay off the social networking
site. It appears that Osama
bin Laden, Bernie Madoff, and Rick
Reynolds are the only holdouts left–in
this world or beyond–who prefer
their privacy.
If only there were a "mother" button
on Facebook, we would place
her there. If you’re like most people,
your shameful life dictates that
you, instead, place Mom in a special
alternate, clandestine area where one
neither accepts nor declines; a kind
of Facebook purgatory where she can
believe you or her prying eyes. Of
course, you can always decline the
request –in polite company we call it,
“ignore.” It's not that your mom isn't
your friend. Indeed, she's so special a
friend, she comes with her own special
name: “MOTHER.”
But if your mother made it to the 21st
century a decade after you did, you’ll
need a protocol. After all, it’s not just
mothers. Many fathers, uncles and
grandfathers are married to moms,
aunts and grandmothers–if not
yours. And virtually all have received
that gift that keeps on giving–social
networking.
While composing your Facebook
status, decide if your profile is appropriate.
Look into a mirror and
ask yourself if you have more than
six pictures of yourself that would
prevent you from landing a future job
at FedEx. If you’re holding a glass in
the picture, Photoshop milk into it.
If you’re standing next to undesirable
characters holding up birds without
feathers, consider deleting them or
rethink accepting your mother as a
friend. However, you must always
remember who’s footing the bill for
your lavish lifestyle. And where your
inheritance is coming from.
I’ve thought of starting a Facebook
page, but with my paranoia, there
wouldn’t be anything on it. I’d use an
alias, post a picture taken 30 years
ago, and retouch my beard. I’d have
plenty of friends, but they’d soon get
bored staring at a vacant page, much
like they do when they read my magazine
columns. I read recently about a
software developer, Dana Hanna, who
walked down the matrimonial aisle
with cell phone in hand. After vows
were exchanged, but before kissing
the bride, Hanna took his cell
phone and updated his relationship
status. Just when I was feeling terrible
for the bride, I read she grabbed
the phone from him so she could
update hers.
It was then I knew a new mother was
born; one who will eventually know
more than is optimal for her health.
The minister waited patiently for each
to confirm the other’s new status, before
declaring them husband and wife.
Mark Twain once wrote, “I was dead
for millions of years before I was
born, and it didn’t inconvenience
me in the slightest.” Well, Twain did
ease my unease with mortality, but it
will take more than Facebook’s Mark
Zuckerberg (Time magazine’s “Person
of the Year’) to share my millions of
sorry moments—despite knowing it
would not inconvenience (or surprise)
my mother in the slightest.
Chappaqua alumnus and 35-year
resident of Chappaqua, humorist Rick
Reynolds resides in southern New
Hampshire with his wife, daughter,
and two dogs.
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The main thing to remember, when
Mom decides to friend you, is not to
panic. Take a deep breath. Draw the
air deep into your powerhouse. As I
said, your mother already knows how
weird you are—if not the details—
even without Facebook. Now, all she
wants to know about are your secret
experiences. (BTW, your father
hasn’t got a clue, unless your mother
told him.)
Ilustration by Rick Reynolds
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50 Inside Chappaqua February 2011 February 2011 Inside Chappaqua 51