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THORPE RECOVERY CENTRE WINTER 2015<br />
RECOVERY<br />
RECOVERY CENTRE<br />
www.thorperecoverycentre.org<br />
<strong>Families</strong><br />
Fighting Back from Addiction<br />
INSIDE:<br />
• Thorpe’s Family Program<br />
• Dad’s An Addict...Mom’s Going to Rehab<br />
• The Cost of Addiction on <strong>Families</strong><br />
• The Drew’s - One Family’s Story<br />
• Impact of Addiction on Intimacy<br />
1
THORPE RECOVERY CENTRE WINTER 2015<br />
In This Issue<br />
Addiction destroys families as<br />
much as it destroys individuals.<br />
Living with an addict is both<br />
heartbreaking and exhausting.<br />
Family members are torn<br />
between how to help the addict<br />
and how to avoid being sucked<br />
into the addict’s world.<br />
4<br />
5<br />
Beginning the Family Healing<br />
At Thorpe Recovery Centre, we understand that<br />
addiction is a family disease. We offer a 4 day Family<br />
Program to help families better understand addiction<br />
and how to begin their own recovery.<br />
You Don’t Have to Do This Alone<br />
Addiction obliterates families. It shakes the very<br />
ground of all that we know and trust. Whether it is a<br />
spouse, parent, child or sibling addiction in the family<br />
affects everyone.<br />
Remember the Three C’s of<br />
dealing with an addict:<br />
• You didn’t CAUSE the addiction.<br />
• You can’t CONTROL the<br />
addiction.<br />
• You can’t CURE the addiction.<br />
10<br />
12<br />
Dad’s An Addict...Mom’s Going to<br />
Rehab<br />
Some dif cult questions that you may need to answer<br />
for your children.<br />
One Family’s Story<br />
When you hold your child in your arms for the very<br />
rst time, you never envision an addict. One families<br />
journey and how the TRC Family Program changed<br />
their lives.<br />
If you would like to receive this<br />
publication on a regular basis<br />
please contact:<br />
Pat Henry<br />
path@thorperecoverycentre.org<br />
RECOVERY<br />
Thorpe Recovery Centre<br />
P.O. Box 291<br />
Blackfoot, Alberta T0B 0L0<br />
www.thorperecoverycentre.org<br />
PH: 780.875.8890<br />
16<br />
20<br />
The Cost of Addiction on <strong>Families</strong><br />
Addiction costs are insidious, often creeping into a<br />
person’s nances without notice.<br />
The Impact of Addiction on<br />
Intimacy<br />
One of the earliest casualties from substance abuse is<br />
intimacy. With the obsession of substances there is no<br />
room in their lives for anyone else.<br />
In Our Next Issue: Spring 2015<br />
• TRC - Celebrating 40 years of Recovery<br />
• The Stigma of Addiction & Mental Illness<br />
• Stories of Recovery<br />
2
THORPE RECOVERY CENTRE WINTER 2015<br />
Mrs. Teressa Krueckl<br />
Executive Director<br />
Thorpe Recovery Centre<br />
When a client comes into the Thorpe<br />
Recovery Centre they are looking for<br />
a safe place where they can begin to<br />
understand the disease of addiction<br />
and make those rst steps toward<br />
living life in sobriety. But, what about<br />
the loved ones who are left at home<br />
feeling defeated? In many cases the<br />
spouses, partners, and children of an<br />
addict feel like walking away is the<br />
best solution because they are lost<br />
in understanding addiction and how<br />
they can support their loved one in<br />
recovery upon his/her return home. At<br />
Thorpe Recovery Centre, we strive to<br />
educate and include a client’s family<br />
as much as possible—with respect<br />
to privacy legislation and the client’s<br />
wishes.<br />
One of the best ways for a family to<br />
learn about addiction and recovery is<br />
to attend our four day Family Program<br />
Workshop. This workshop is held<br />
monthly, depending on attendance,<br />
and educates adult family members<br />
how to rebuild relationships,<br />
set appropriate boundaries,<br />
communicate effectively, and grow<br />
in recovery with their loved one.<br />
Although the program is designed for<br />
family members of an addict, it is also<br />
valuable education for close friends,<br />
and professionals in social services.<br />
In addition to our programming, we<br />
recommend family members attend<br />
Al-Anon Family Group Meetings for<br />
external support. Please contact<br />
our of ce for a list of meetings in<br />
the Lloydminster area, or your local<br />
addiction service centre for a listing in<br />
your community.<br />
An addict should not go through<br />
recovery alone; neither should his/<br />
her family. Thorpe Recovery Centre<br />
provides holistic addiction treatment<br />
services to ensure the road to<br />
recovery is informed and built with a<br />
strong foundation. If you, or someone<br />
you know, would bene t from our<br />
programming please phone our main<br />
of ce or use our contact form on our<br />
website; in both cases, your information<br />
will be kept con dential.<br />
I hope you enjoy this edition of<br />
RECOVERY as much as we enjoy<br />
sharing the information.<br />
Recovery, Growth & New Life<br />
Thorpe Recovery Centre offers a large scope<br />
of treatment opportunities for those struggling<br />
with addiction, their families and loved ones.<br />
40 years of<br />
Overcoming<br />
Addiction<br />
to Improve<br />
Lives<br />
2015.<br />
• Medically Supported Detox Unit<br />
• Client Assessments<br />
• Residential Program (42 - 90 day programs)<br />
• Specialty Outpatient Groups<br />
• Refresher Program<br />
• Family Program<br />
Telephone: 780.875.8890<br />
Toll Free: 1.877.780.875.8890<br />
info@thorperecoverycentre.org<br />
www.thorperecoverycentre.org<br />
Thorpe<br />
Recovery Centre<br />
Overcoming Addiction to Improve Lives<br />
3
THORPE RECOVERY CENTRE WINTER 2015<br />
Begin<br />
the<br />
Family<br />
Healing<br />
Thorpe Recovery Centre’s Family Program is<br />
speci cally designed for families to help them<br />
learn new ways of coping with addiction: methods<br />
that will promote recovery for both the family<br />
and the addict. It can be incredibly confusing<br />
for someone who is not addicted themselves to<br />
understand someone else’s addictive behaviour.<br />
The four day program runs Tuesday - Friday, on a<br />
monthly basis.<br />
Our Family Program provides an opportunity<br />
for clients and their families to gain a better<br />
understanding of their family of origin and current<br />
family systems and begin the process of healing<br />
together. <strong>Families</strong> and clients learn how to better<br />
communicate, support each other emotionally<br />
and establish appropriate boundaries. Having<br />
both the families and clients together fosters<br />
the healing process and brings the family closer<br />
together. This has also been proven as a signi cant<br />
factor in long term healing and recovery.<br />
Topics covered include:<br />
• Family Dynamics<br />
• Recovering the Lost Self<br />
• Boundaries<br />
• Effective Communication<br />
• Grief & Loss<br />
Who Should Attend?<br />
• Anyone whose life has been<br />
affected by addiction.<br />
• Anyone whose life has been<br />
affected by someone else’s<br />
addiction.<br />
• Anyone who is in close relationship<br />
with an addict. This includes:<br />
parents, spouses, siblings, grand<br />
parents, friends, extended family,<br />
adult children, employers etc.<br />
• Anyone who wants to learn how to<br />
support someone in recovery.<br />
• Professionals looking for information<br />
on addiction and the family.<br />
• You do not need to have a loved<br />
one in the residential treatment<br />
program at Thorpe Recovery Centre<br />
to attend our Family Program.<br />
For Family Program<br />
dates and information<br />
please contact:<br />
Mrs. Brenda Hotvedt<br />
Admissions, Family Program<br />
Thorpe Recovery Centre<br />
4
THORPE RECOVERY CENTRE WINTER 2015<br />
You<br />
Don’t Have to Do This<br />
Alone!<br />
ADDICTION: A Family Disease<br />
by<br />
Serena Campbell-Barnes, MSc<br />
Family Program Coordinator, Addictions Counselor<br />
Thorpe Recovery Centre<br />
“Any family, wife and children, who have had to live<br />
with an alcoholic a number of years are bound to be<br />
rather neurotic and distorted themselves.<br />
They can’t help it.”<br />
--Bill W., Cofounder of Alcoholics Anonymous<br />
Addiction obliterates families. It shakes<br />
the very ground of all that we know<br />
and trust, and whether it happens<br />
quickly or over time, addiction will take<br />
its toll on all those who come in contact<br />
with it. Whether it is a spouse, parent,<br />
child, or sibling, addiction in the family<br />
affects everyone. Every drug causes<br />
different effects, but the family feels the<br />
impact of the addiction regardless of<br />
the addict’s drug of choice. For most<br />
family members who love an addict, it<br />
feels as though they are witnessing a<br />
slow suicide. Each day they lose a little<br />
bit more of the man, women, or child<br />
they love until what remains is merely<br />
a shadow of the person they knew. As<br />
addiction takes hold of the individual,<br />
it becomes the main motivating factor<br />
in their life, most often at the cost of all<br />
that was important to them including<br />
work, school, daily responsibilities<br />
and familial relationships. No one is<br />
prepared for this, and it is dif cult to<br />
comprehend. Many family members<br />
begin to question themselves,<br />
wondering where they went wrong;<br />
yelling, crying, criticizing, cajoling,<br />
begging, xing, ignoring, trying only<br />
that much harder to stop the pain and<br />
save their loved one. For most, attempt<br />
after attempt is repeatedly met with<br />
failure. Within this place of helplessness<br />
families experience profound grief,<br />
stress, con ict and anxiety as a<br />
consequence of trying to protect the<br />
family member from the dangers and<br />
harms associated with the substance<br />
and to limit the damage arising from<br />
their behaviour towards the rest of the<br />
family.<br />
Family members who live with<br />
addiction may become traumatized<br />
to varying degrees by the experience.<br />
Broad swings, from one end of<br />
the emotional, psychological and<br />
behavioral spectrum to the other, all<br />
too often characterized the addicted<br />
family system. Living with addiction<br />
can put family members under unusual<br />
stress. Normal routines are constantly<br />
being interrupted by unexpected or<br />
even frightening kinds of experiences.<br />
What is being said often doesn’t<br />
match up with what family members<br />
sense, feel beneath the surface or see<br />
right in front of their eyes. The addict<br />
as well as family members may bend,<br />
manipulate and deny reality in their<br />
attempt to maintain a family order<br />
that is gradually slipping away. The<br />
entire system becomes absorbed by<br />
a problem that is slowly, sometimes<br />
quickly, spinning out of control. Within<br />
this process families have a remarkable<br />
ability to maintain what family therapists<br />
call homeostasis, unfortunately it is<br />
often at the cost of the individuals. The<br />
5
THORPE RECOVERY CENTRE WINTER 2015<br />
family will generally reach as a unit<br />
to balance itself. In addicted family<br />
systems, this becomes a dysfunctional<br />
sort of balance. Family members can<br />
become consumed by the disease to<br />
such an extent they lose their sense<br />
of normal. Their life becomes about<br />
hiding the truth from themselves,<br />
their children and the world around<br />
them. Trust and faith in an orderly and<br />
predictable world is challenged as their<br />
family life becomes chaotic, promises<br />
are broken and those they depend<br />
upon for support and stability behave<br />
in untrustworthy ways. Both children<br />
and adults in the family may lose their<br />
sense of themselves and on whom and<br />
what they can depend. Because the<br />
disease of addiction is progressive,<br />
family members seamlessly slip into<br />
patterns of relating that become<br />
increasingly more dysfunctional.<br />
Family members may withdraw into<br />
their own private worlds or compete<br />
for the little love and attention that is<br />
available. In the absence of reliable<br />
adults, children in the system may<br />
become “parenti ed” and try to<br />
provide the care and comfort that<br />
is missing for each other. During<br />
early childhood years, living in this<br />
intense emotional environment can<br />
set up a fear of feeling or patterns of<br />
attachment that are lled with anxiety<br />
6<br />
and ambivalence. In their youth,<br />
children of addicted parents may feel<br />
overwhelmed with powerful emotions<br />
that they are developmentally illequipped<br />
to process and understand<br />
and often lack the family support<br />
they need. As a result, they may<br />
resort to severe internal defenses,<br />
such as shutting down their own<br />
feelings, denying there is a problem,<br />
rationalizing, intellectualizing, overcontrolling,<br />
withdrawing, acting out or<br />
self medicating, as a way to control<br />
their inner experience of chaos.<br />
The addiction devolves healthy family<br />
functioning and the dominating family<br />
rule: “Don’t talk, Don’t trust, Don’t feel”<br />
extends to everyone in the system.<br />
This results in a kind of emotional and<br />
psychological constriction, where<br />
family members do not feel free to<br />
express their authentic selves for fear<br />
of triggering disaster; their genuine<br />
feelings are often hidden under<br />
strategies for keeping safe, like pleasing<br />
or withdrawing. The family becomes<br />
more and more organized around<br />
trying to manage the unmanageable<br />
disease of addiction. They become<br />
remarkably skilled at walking on<br />
eggshells, ready to run for emotional<br />
or physical shelter or to erect their<br />
defenses at the rst sign of trouble.<br />
Broad swings,<br />
from one end of<br />
the emotional,<br />
psychological and<br />
behavioral spectrum<br />
to the other, all too<br />
often characterized<br />
the addicted family<br />
system.<br />
Because family members avoid sharing<br />
subjects that might lead to more pain,<br />
they often wind up avoiding genuine<br />
connection with each other and<br />
are left with overwhelming amounts<br />
of emotional pain. Ultimately these<br />
painful feelings tend to build up and rise<br />
to the surface in emotional eruptions<br />
or get acted out through impulsive<br />
behaviours, often at the expense of the<br />
individual and/or those close to them.<br />
Within this context the guilt and shame<br />
family members feel about the erratic<br />
behaviour within their walls often<br />
keeps them isolated and from seeking<br />
outside support and unknowingly sets<br />
up the addicted family to become a<br />
closed system that both maintains the<br />
addiction and perpetuates trauma.<br />
This destructive cycle profoundly<br />
affects the internal world of each<br />
person, their relationships and their<br />
ability to communicate and be<br />
together in a balanced, relaxed and<br />
trusting manner. Unless the “elephant<br />
in the living room” is interrupted<br />
and outside support is sought, it will<br />
continue to increase in size and force<br />
and the family will be further squashed<br />
under its weight.<br />
For many family members this journey<br />
takes a tremendous toll; they are tired,<br />
angry, confused and at times hopeless.<br />
Many desperately hang onto the<br />
hope that their loved one will sober<br />
up and put an end to their own and<br />
the addict’s suffering. For some, when<br />
their loved one enters treatment, it is<br />
the rst time they are able to breathe<br />
in a very long time, and just maybe,<br />
believe it is safe to hope again. Hope<br />
that if the addict quits using, all will be<br />
OK. And although treatment for the<br />
addict is certainly a good rst step, just<br />
like the addiction itself, the process of<br />
recovery is complex and progressive.<br />
Research shows that the emotional<br />
turbulence within a family produced
THORPE RECOVERY CENTRE WINTER 2015<br />
by addiction continues well into the<br />
rst three to ve years of recovery. Just<br />
like support for the addict is critical,<br />
so it is for the family. Family recovery<br />
begins with what are, in essence,<br />
individual recoveries of its members.<br />
The addict is only one piece of the<br />
puzzle. A family that has been deeply<br />
impacted and traumatized to some<br />
degree by living with addiction needs<br />
support. Everyone in an addicted<br />
family system deserves and needs to<br />
get help and the sooner they get it,<br />
the sooner the family can start to heal.<br />
It is in this context that family members<br />
can play their most important role in<br />
the recovery of their loved one and<br />
the family as a whole. Family members<br />
who seek support for themselves,<br />
whether the support is independent<br />
from their addicted loved one or<br />
offered through a family program in<br />
their loved one’s treatment centre,<br />
become powerful weapons in the ght<br />
against the addiction. In fact, research<br />
suggests that family involvement can<br />
also foster better engagement of<br />
addicted individuals in treatment and<br />
improve treatment outcomes. Family<br />
interventions enable family members<br />
to heal the pain of the past, to take<br />
better care of themselves today and<br />
to contribute to a family environment<br />
that no longer fuels addiction, but<br />
rather supports healthy change.<br />
Everyone in an<br />
addicted family<br />
system deserves and<br />
needs to get help and the<br />
sooner they get it, the<br />
sooner the family can start<br />
to heal.<br />
If you have been impacted by<br />
someone else’s addiction or would<br />
like to receive more information about<br />
addiction as a family disease contact<br />
the Thorpe Recovery Centre Family<br />
Program. We offer a four day monthly<br />
program where friends and family<br />
can enter into their own journey of<br />
healing from this devastating disease<br />
and begin to experience the hope of<br />
recovery.<br />
7
THORPE RECOVERY CENTRE WINTER 2015<br />
ADDICTIONS<br />
COST<br />
STATISTICS<br />
4 The number of times<br />
biological children of alcoholics<br />
are more likely to become<br />
alcoholics compared to<br />
children of non-alcoholics.<br />
ONE BILLION<br />
DOLLARS YEARLY.<br />
By Doug Lett<br />
Producer Global News<br />
16 The percentage of<br />
men exposed to addiction in<br />
childhood.<br />
20 The percentage of<br />
women exposed to addiction in<br />
childhood.<br />
SASKATOON - Addictions cost Saskatchewan around one-billion dollars a year<br />
and for the country, the gure is closer to 40 billion dollars a year. That’s according<br />
to Dr. Colleen Anne Dell, who holds the Canada Research Chair in Substance<br />
Abuse at the University of Saskatchewan.<br />
34 The percentage of<br />
physicians who reported taking<br />
a family substance abuse history<br />
on their pediatric patients.<br />
“When you look at Canada, it’s $17-billion for tobacco, $15-billion for alcohol and<br />
$7-billion for illicit drugs,” she told Global News. “I don’t think people realize what<br />
an impact it does have,” she said. “That is things like lost productivity, health care<br />
costs, mortality...law enforcement costs as well - it averages about $1,300 per<br />
person.<br />
While alcohol is part of Canadian society, Dell says it can have a tremendous<br />
impact on a person’s life.<br />
The children of addicted<br />
parents are more likely to<br />
become addicted themselves.<br />
They have poor coping skills<br />
and more antisocial behaviours<br />
and face depression at a higher<br />
rate.<br />
“Obviously drunkenness can impact social relationships, for women breast cancer,<br />
we’re seeing more and more research on the linkage between alcohol intake and<br />
breast cancer, liver cirrhosis...there are impacts that we don’t really think through<br />
as a society.”<br />
--From the study “Trajectories of Psychological<br />
Distress among Canadian Adults who<br />
Experienced Parental Addiction in Childhood”<br />
by Kellie A. Langlois and Rochelle Garner, for<br />
Stats Canada.<br />
And she added, they are seeing some distrubing trends in drinking patterns.<br />
“More young women are binge drinking now, to the equivalent level of males, so<br />
you’re seeing higher rates of impacts that way.”<br />
While society is learning more about the effects, she says rates of abuse do<br />
not appear to be changing much. Since 2012 several provinces have shown<br />
an increase in the sales of alcohol with the largest increases coming from<br />
Newfoundland and Labrador at 20% and Saskatchewan at 15.9%. (Canadian Centre<br />
for Substance Abuse, Levels and Patterns of Alcohol in Canada.)<br />
8
THORPE RECOVERY CENTRE WINTER 2015<br />
Are You Empowering<br />
or Enabling?<br />
The desire to help others, especially those<br />
who mean the most to us, is one of the<br />
noblest of human instincts.<br />
Parents want to help their children succeed in school.<br />
Spouses want to help each other solve the problems that<br />
life throws at them. Friends want to help each other at work<br />
or in their personal relationships. Unfortunately, though,<br />
this well-meaning impulse can back re tragically when<br />
addiction is part of the occasion.<br />
In one sense, “enabling” has the same meaning of<br />
“empowering”. It means lending a hand to help people<br />
accomplish things they could not do by themselves.<br />
More recently, however, it has developed the specialized<br />
meaning of offering help that perpetuates rather than<br />
solves a problem. A parent who allows a child to stay home<br />
from school because he hasn’t studied for a test is enabling<br />
irresponsibility. The spouse who makes excuses for his hungover<br />
partner is enabling alcohol use. The friend who lends<br />
money to a drug addict so he won’t be forced to steal is<br />
enabling that addiction.<br />
Those who habitually enable dysfunctional behaviour are<br />
often referred to as co-dependent. It’s a telling word,<br />
because an enabler’s self-esteem is often dependent on<br />
his or her ability and willingness to “help” in inappropriate<br />
ways. This “help” allows the enabler to feel in control of<br />
an unmanageable situation. The reality, though, is that<br />
enabling not only doesn’t help, but it actively causes harm<br />
and makes the situation worse.<br />
By stepping in to “solve” the addicts problems, the<br />
enabler takes away any motivation for the addict to<br />
take responsibility for his or her own actions. Without that<br />
motivation, there is little reason for the addict to change.<br />
Enablers help addicts dig themselves deeper into trouble.<br />
It can be a ne line between helping and enabling. Letting<br />
a teenager ignore chores while studying for nals may<br />
be helpful. Dismissing that teenager’s drug use, drinking,<br />
bullying, de ance or violence as “just part of being that<br />
age” is not helping.<br />
Here are some questions to ask yourself when considering<br />
whether you are an enabler:<br />
• Do you often ignore unacceptable behaviour?<br />
• Do you nd yourself resenting the responsibilities you take on?<br />
• Do you consistently put your own needs and desires aside in<br />
order to help someone else?<br />
• Do you have trouble expressing your own emotions?<br />
• Do you ever feel fearful that not doing something will cause a<br />
blowup, make the person leave you, or even result in violence?<br />
• Do you ever lie to cover for someone else’s mistakes?<br />
• Do you consistently assign blame for problems to other people<br />
rather than the one who is really responsible?<br />
• Do you continue to offer help when it is never appreciated or<br />
acknowledged?<br />
If these questions make you think you might be an enabler,<br />
it is important that you take action. If the addict you are<br />
enabling is in treatment, then you, too, should take part in<br />
the process. If the addict is not in treatment, you should<br />
explore your own issues, either with a personal counselor,<br />
through an organization such as Al-Anon, or by taking part<br />
in Thorpe Recovery Centre’s Family Program.<br />
9
THORPE RECOVERY CENTRE WINTER 2015<br />
“My Dad’s<br />
an addict.”<br />
“My Mom’s<br />
going to<br />
rehab.”<br />
BY<br />
DAVID SACK, MD<br />
HUFFINGTONPOST.COM<br />
These are not easy conversations<br />
These are not easy conversations<br />
addicted homes. Lack of consistent<br />
to have with a child, even one that discipline can produce de cits in selfcontrol<br />
has long been aware that there’s a<br />
and personal responsibility,<br />
problem. More than 35% of North or conversely, over-control or hypervigilance.<br />
Americans are children of alcoholics,<br />
Children may even feel<br />
yet addiction isn’t being talked about that their parent’s drug problem and<br />
in most homes. Instead, children grow subsequent breakup of the family or<br />
up facing a lifetime of issues other kids removal of the child from the home<br />
don’t need to manage. They tend that sometimes ensues is their fault.<br />
to have more emotional behaviour<br />
and academic problems than other Their emotions run a confusing gamut.<br />
kids and are four times more likely to At once resentful of and loyal to<br />
become addicted themselves. They their addicted parent, children are<br />
are also at greater risk of abuse and reluctant to open up and share<br />
neglect, witnessing domestic violence long-held family secrets, even if they<br />
later in life.<br />
desperately want the support. They<br />
may have a strong self-preservation<br />
As children learn to fend for instinct, but at the same time, they’re<br />
themselves to survive, unpredictability not sure if they deserve to take care of<br />
and chaos become the norm in their own needs when their parent is<br />
10<br />
spiraling out of control. The con icting<br />
feelings continue as children get a<br />
glimmer of hope when their parent<br />
promises to quit even though they’ve<br />
been disappointed repeatedly.<br />
In this impossible situation what can<br />
parents, caretakers or other adults<br />
say to their children? How do they<br />
explain the wreckage of addiction to<br />
someone who, as a young age, has<br />
already been overexposed to some of<br />
the darkest potentialities of life?<br />
Time the Conversation<br />
A conversation about a parent’s<br />
addiction is best had when there are<br />
no distractions and the situation is<br />
relatively calm. If possible, bring it up<br />
when there is a plan in place to get
THORPE RECOVERY CENTRE WINTER 2015<br />
help for the addicted parent. Explain<br />
that there’s a problem and you’re<br />
taking steps to improve the situation.<br />
Talk about what will change (e.g.,<br />
Mom or Dad will go to rehab, or one<br />
parent may move out if separating or<br />
divorcing). Repeat the conversation<br />
as often as needed so that the child<br />
feels comfortable having an ongoing<br />
dialogue.<br />
Keep It Age Appropriate<br />
The language you use and the level<br />
of detail you provide depend on the<br />
age and maturity of the child. Break<br />
the issues down as simply and directly<br />
as possible and nish with a message<br />
of hope.<br />
Tell the Truth<br />
Although you’ll need to use different<br />
terms depending on the age of the<br />
child, you should always be honest<br />
about the problem. Children have<br />
an innate ability to read when adults<br />
are lying. Explain that addiction is a<br />
disease caused by a number of factors,<br />
including genetics, environment and<br />
past trauma. Similar to people with<br />
diabetes and heart disease, their<br />
parent is sick and needs treatment to<br />
feel better.<br />
Get Educated<br />
Educate yourself about the disease of<br />
addiction so you are in a position to<br />
answer any questions the child may<br />
have. If you don’t know the answer,<br />
work on nding one together.<br />
Acknowledge the Impact<br />
Rather than skirt around the impact a<br />
parent’s addiction has had, validate<br />
the child’s experience. Apologize for<br />
the pain in icted on the child and ask<br />
open-ended questions about how<br />
they’ve been feeling.<br />
Release the Shame<br />
One of the most important things for<br />
children to understand is the addiction<br />
is not their fault. They didn’t cause their<br />
parent to abuse drugs or alcohol and<br />
they cannot cure or control it. This can<br />
be hard for children to understand<br />
especially if the addicted parent<br />
blamed their drug abuse on a child’s<br />
behaviour (e.g., “I wouldn’t need<br />
to drink if you’d do your chores.”).<br />
Children need help to understand that<br />
what the addict says and does under<br />
the in uence isn’t really who they are<br />
or how they feel. Addiction hijacks the<br />
brain and just as the child is powerless<br />
to stop it, the parent is out of control<br />
as well.<br />
Put things into Perspective<br />
Children from addicted homes tend to<br />
idealize other families without realizing<br />
they have struggles of their own. Help<br />
them understand that they are not<br />
alone; in fact, millions of children are<br />
in the same situations. They are normal<br />
kids thrust into an unhealthy home<br />
environment who are doing their best<br />
to cope with an extremely stressful<br />
situation.<br />
Invite Dialogue<br />
After being disconnected from<br />
themselves and others, it may take<br />
practice for the child of an addict to<br />
be able to identify and process their<br />
emotions. To combat the secretiveness,<br />
fear and loneliness addiction brings,<br />
encourage them to talk about their<br />
feelings without criticism or judgment.<br />
Teach the Seven C’s<br />
According to the National Association<br />
for Children of Alcoholics, children<br />
need to know the “Seven C’s of<br />
Addiction”:<br />
• I didn’t Cause it.<br />
• I can’t Cure it.<br />
• I can’t Control it.<br />
• I can Care for myself by<br />
Communicating my feelings,<br />
making healthy Choices, and<br />
by Celebrating myself.<br />
Find Additional Sources of<br />
Support<br />
Just as the addicted parent needs<br />
treatment and support to get well,<br />
children need to know there are<br />
resources available to help them<br />
process their emotions. If they don’t<br />
feel comfortable talking with a parent<br />
or relative, they can reach out to a<br />
teacher, counselor, family therapist,<br />
religious leader or support group such<br />
as Al-Ateen.<br />
The toughest topics are often the most<br />
important to approach with children.<br />
For each day that a child lives with<br />
an addict, damage is being done.<br />
And while not every child will fall prey<br />
to addiction or other emotional or<br />
behavioural disorders, they need<br />
honest discussion and support in order<br />
to beat the odds.<br />
From the Thorpe Book Store<br />
My Dad Loves Me, My Dad Has a<br />
Disease: A Childs view, Living with<br />
Addiction, (1997), 3rd Revised edition<br />
by Claudia Black.<br />
When Something Terrible Happens;<br />
Children Can Learn to Cope with Grief<br />
(1991), by Marge Heegaard<br />
11
THORPE RECOVERY CENTRE WINTER 2015<br />
Will my<br />
baby be an<br />
addict?<br />
The Drew Family<br />
Alumni<br />
Thorpe Recovery Centre Family Program<br />
When you hold your child in your arms for the<br />
very rst time, you never envision an addict.<br />
We believe that if we simply love them<br />
we can save them from the evils of the<br />
world. Our family’s story is one of hope,<br />
love and healing and a belief that<br />
Angels do walk among us. They led<br />
us to Thorpe Recovery Centre.<br />
12
THORPE RECOVERY CENTRE WINTER 2015<br />
We were introduced to (TRC) Thorpe<br />
Recovery Centre in December,<br />
2013 after our young son Tayler was<br />
hospitalized after reaching a critical<br />
state in his drug addiction. The details<br />
of how he got there are really not that<br />
important now as I look back over the<br />
months leading up to the climax. These<br />
stories are often riddled with feelings<br />
of fear, despair, disappointment,<br />
betrayal and an overwhelming feeling<br />
of isolation and lack of control. Hold<br />
that thought because by the end of<br />
it you will realize you really never had<br />
any control anyway!<br />
In the detox centre in Calgary, Tayler<br />
was introduced to the tough reality<br />
of addiction. He learned that he<br />
was actually being sold a lethal drug<br />
(Fentanyl) used to treat patients who<br />
were in severe pain, laced with heroin.<br />
He also learned at detox that his road<br />
would be long and hard through<br />
recovery. For a 20 year old man who<br />
should be out in the world making<br />
a mark for himself working hard and<br />
playing hard, this was not good news.<br />
But he was alive and that was a<br />
miracle.<br />
We arrived at Thorpe Recovery Centre<br />
on a very bright and cold day in<br />
December. They were expecting us,<br />
and after Tayler mustered up enough<br />
courage to enter those doors we were<br />
met by a staff of professional and kind<br />
human beings who knew how hard<br />
this was for all of us. They invited us to<br />
come in and stay with him for a few<br />
moments. We noticed how warm and<br />
inviting the facility was. The people<br />
with whom we interacted seemed<br />
to understand the emotions we were<br />
going through. Todd (Counselor<br />
Supervisor) met with us before we left<br />
and I will never forget something he<br />
said. I told him how afraid I was to lose<br />
my son to drugs. He sat quietly and seemed to click because over the next<br />
allowed me to talk about my fears and few days he was able to let go and<br />
my feelings before he said something embrace the program and the people<br />
along the lines of, “Jessie, you really who were a part of it. Our weekly<br />
don’t have any control over whether conversations were different. He was<br />
or not your son lives or dies. He may expressing his feelings and I will never<br />
die yet. All you can do is get out of ever forget the day he told me that he<br />
the way of the disease and allow it wasn’t a bad person after all, and he<br />
to unfold the way it needs to. That is felt almost normal for the rst time in a<br />
how your son will have a chance at very long time.<br />
He felt he’d been placed<br />
there against his will and<br />
couldn’t envision 6-8<br />
weeks of being there<br />
alone, without his family.<br />
He was ying solo for the<br />
rst time in his life.<br />
recovery”. I thought he was speaking<br />
a foreign language at the time. I was<br />
used to ghting! As a parent, aren’t<br />
you supposed to do anything and<br />
everything to protect your child?<br />
It was after a conversation with<br />
Tayler’s counselor Tammy, that I made<br />
the decision to attend an Al-anon<br />
meeting. Tammy called me at work<br />
to check on me. We chatted for a<br />
few minutes and at the end of the<br />
Within 24 hours, Tayler was angry. He<br />
felt he’d been placed there against his<br />
will and couldn’t envision 6-8 weeks of<br />
being there alone, without his family.<br />
He was ying solo for the rst time in his<br />
life. Again, Todd was there to talk with<br />
him, allowing him the space to process<br />
his feelings and talk it out. You see, this<br />
young man was really good at hiding<br />
his feelings. He could put on a bright<br />
call she quietly said, “Jessie, all we<br />
talked about today was how Tayler<br />
was doing. Next time we talk, I’d like<br />
to talk about you. What you are doing<br />
to get the help you need.?” I hadn’t<br />
even considered that before. She<br />
suggested a number of books to read<br />
while Tayler was in treatment and told<br />
me that Al-Anon was a great support<br />
for families going through similar issues<br />
cheery smile and make you believe with their loved ones. I promptly<br />
everything was OK. But, it wasn’t. He<br />
had been spiraling downward into<br />
depression since high school and using<br />
drugs to self medicate. Something<br />
downloaded a number of the titles on<br />
my i-Pad, but it was slow going. I could<br />
only manage a few pages before<br />
the feelings overwhelmed me. I was<br />
13
THORPE RECOVERY CENTRE WINTER 2015<br />
grieving. Tammy was a pretty smart<br />
cookie! I read stories about families<br />
who lost the battle and those who<br />
found recovery. In every short story,<br />
there seemed to be a common theme<br />
of nding serenity no matter what the<br />
outcome. I needed some of that. I<br />
needed to start to nd some serenity!<br />
We spent Christmas Eve in a hotel<br />
room in Edmonton that year, for the<br />
opportunity for 3 1/2 hours with Tayler<br />
on Christmas Day. His doting big sister<br />
came too, and I can honestly tell you<br />
that it was the BEST Christmas ever.<br />
When we got to the doors and they<br />
buzzed us in we were vibrating with<br />
emotion and excitement. They call<br />
him to tell him he had visitors and the<br />
vision I saw coming down the hall will<br />
be forever etched in my memory. My<br />
son! He was HUGE! His cheeks were<br />
pink and full and his legs and arms and<br />
chest had lled out. The smile ... Oh<br />
that smile! That crease in his cheek,<br />
and those beautiful hazel eyes that<br />
sparkled. He hugged us tight and all<br />
I could do was stare at him. For hours<br />
I stared. We talked, we cried, we<br />
hugged (a lot). We chatted with some<br />
of the staff and they all seemed to<br />
have a kind word to say about our son.<br />
I knew when I left there that afternoon<br />
we had a support system at Thorpe to<br />
help him through whatever he needed<br />
to go through. My son was back. He<br />
had a chance.<br />
Family Program was something Faye<br />
and Todd discussed with us at the time<br />
our son was admitted. They told us that<br />
when families were able to participate<br />
in the program and learn about the<br />
disease, recovery rates went up. That<br />
was enough for us to eagerly agree to<br />
participate! We would do anything<br />
to save our son. I laugh as I write this<br />
because although I truly believe that<br />
is a fact, I believe we were also saving<br />
ourselves and our family.<br />
January 17 we arrived in Lloydminster<br />
at the Thorpe to participate in the four<br />
day program. It was there that the<br />
healing started. We listened and cried<br />
as each family shared their story that<br />
rst day. A common thread through<br />
all stories was one of love. We met<br />
families a lot like our own. A little broken<br />
maybe, but not so broken we couldn’t<br />
heal. We learned about addiction<br />
and what happens to your brain when<br />
it is responding to drugs. We learned<br />
about the disease of addiction. That<br />
our loved ones weren’t bad and we<br />
weren’t bad. We learned there was<br />
help and there was hope.<br />
The last day of the Family Program, our<br />
loved ones had a opportunity to meet<br />
with us and tell us how the addiction<br />
had impacted them and what they<br />
needed from us. We were able to<br />
speak to do the same. As we sat in a<br />
circle, each client had an opportunity<br />
to talk with his family member. It was<br />
very powerful. We saw and felt the<br />
love from each family as it progressed<br />
through the day. My son was able to<br />
express to me in a loving way what<br />
he needed from me. He wanted a<br />
healthy relationship where he could<br />
be allowed to grow and become<br />
the man he needed to be. You see,<br />
when a child falls into addiction at 17<br />
or 18, he stops growing up. You start to<br />
compensate for that, and they don’t<br />
have to face the hard consequences<br />
of their behaviour. And the crazy<br />
making continues.<br />
We left Thorpe at the end of that last<br />
day, a very bitter and cold day in<br />
January, with our son in the backseat<br />
neatly buckled into his seat with his<br />
very grateful and doting big sister. It<br />
felt very similar to bringing a child<br />
home from the hospital after they were<br />
born. You don’t have a clue what to<br />
expect and you are more afraid than<br />
you’ve ever been. You’ve been given<br />
lots of tools and information, but when<br />
you leave those protective arms of<br />
the centre and their wonderful staff,<br />
My son was able to express<br />
to me in a loving way what he<br />
needed from me. He wanted<br />
a healthy relationship where<br />
he could be allowed to grow<br />
and become the man he<br />
needed to be.<br />
you feel pretty vulnerable and alone!<br />
What you don’t realize is that it’s not up<br />
to you to keep the addict clean. It’s<br />
up to you to work your program so you<br />
can stay sane!<br />
I remember having a conversation with<br />
my Higher Power not long after Tayler<br />
returned home. It was late and he<br />
wasn’t home yet. My mind was going<br />
places I knew it shouldn’t go. I was<br />
winding myself into a frenzy, pacing<br />
the oor. I tried to use all of the tools I<br />
had learned at Thorpe. I prayed. A lot.<br />
A taxi slowed in front of our house and<br />
my son sat in the car for a long time.<br />
As he got out I could hear him through<br />
14
THORPE RECOVERY CENTRE WINTER 2015<br />
the windows chatting happily with<br />
the taxi driver. When he came into<br />
the house he told me about having<br />
a long conversation with the women<br />
driver about her son and his battle with<br />
addiction. He had been trying to help<br />
her. I chuckled to myself after I had<br />
started to breath again. His Higher<br />
Power has this. I really need to let go<br />
and let him handle this!<br />
It’s been quite a year and I won’t lie<br />
and tell you it’s been all roses. It’s<br />
been hard. But one thing I do know for<br />
sure is this: There is hope. You didn’t<br />
cause your loved one to be an addict<br />
and you sure as hell can’t control it.<br />
There is no cure, but the upside of that<br />
one is that you get to re-frame your life<br />
in a way that holds riches you never<br />
thought possible before. You need to<br />
hold people capable to nd their own<br />
answers, in their own way, at their own<br />
pace.<br />
I spent many hours over the past three<br />
or four years planning my son’s funeral:<br />
Scanning photos to share at his service<br />
so people could remember the real<br />
Tayler. The son I adored, a dear friend<br />
to many, the kind hearted kid who<br />
would give you the shirt off his back,<br />
the soccer star, the loving grandson,<br />
the cherished brother. I can truly say<br />
I am grateful for the opportunity to<br />
go through the darkness to receive<br />
the riches of serenity. To have real<br />
conversations for the very rst time.<br />
To be truly honest and express those<br />
feelings. To not feel completely<br />
overwhelmed by the gravity of the<br />
weight I felt on my shoulders to try and<br />
save him. I can tell you I am grateful<br />
for the disease.<br />
My wish for anyone reading this article<br />
is to reach out and ask for help. You<br />
don’t have to do this alone. Attend<br />
an AA or NA meeting, or in the case of<br />
family, Al-Anon. They will receive you<br />
with kindness. They won’t tell you what<br />
to do. They will listen and love you.<br />
What they won’t do is lie to you. They<br />
won’t enable you. They won’t get out<br />
in front of your problem and try and<br />
manipulate an outcome. Whether<br />
you are the addict or family member,<br />
there is hope.<br />
I cannot say enough about the Thorpe<br />
Recovery Centre and its staff. I feel<br />
forever changed by their guidance<br />
of our family through this process. The<br />
Family Program is a must for anyone<br />
who has somebody they love touched<br />
by this disease. Whether they are in<br />
recovery or not, you can bene t and<br />
through you, so will they.<br />
I sent a daily email to my son through<br />
his program. His counselor shared<br />
with me that Tayler stood at her door<br />
each morning waiting patiently for<br />
that email. Every day. He said it got<br />
him through and quite frankly it got me<br />
through too. One morning I sent him<br />
the verse “Love is Patient, Love is Kind.”<br />
He said it had been mistakenly placed<br />
in another client’s mail box, who really<br />
needed to hear it. I think it’s kind of<br />
ironic isn’t it? Angels among us...<br />
I will end with the verse because I<br />
believe it might be what you needed<br />
to hear as well.<br />
Corinthians 13:4-8a<br />
“Love is patient and kind. Love is not<br />
boastful or proud or rude. It does not<br />
demand its own way. It is not irritable,<br />
and it keeps no record of being<br />
wronged. I does not rejoice about<br />
injustice, but rejoices whenever the<br />
truth wins out. Love never gives up,<br />
never loses faith, is always hopeful, and<br />
endures through every circumstance...<br />
...love will last forever!”<br />
Thank you Thorpe Recovery Centre<br />
and all of the compassionate and<br />
skilled souls who walk within those<br />
walls. You’ve allowed our family so<br />
much growth and healing and hope.<br />
HOW TO<br />
STRENGTHEN<br />
YOUR FAMILY’S<br />
RESILIENCY<br />
1. Practice Self-care.<br />
Don’t be tempted to put aside your<br />
own needs to preserve the family.<br />
The best thing you can do for<br />
your family is continue to work the<br />
program.<br />
2. Have fun as a family.<br />
It isn’t always about big vacations, it<br />
can be as simple as walking the dog<br />
together, baking cookies or doing<br />
some other family oriented activity.<br />
3. Focus on the positive.<br />
Catch your kids doing something<br />
right and praise them for it. This<br />
builds self-esteem and promotes<br />
positive behaviours.<br />
4. Engage your community.<br />
Attend events and take advantage<br />
of community programming. You<br />
and your kids will feel connected to<br />
your community and enjoy a sense<br />
of belonging.<br />
5. Accept and validate feelings.<br />
You don’t have to x the problem<br />
or rescue your child. Having the ear<br />
of a caring and empathetic parent<br />
is the best support when a child is<br />
struggling with strong feelings.<br />
6. Switch up your family roles.<br />
Are you the “caretaker” in your<br />
family? Try letting others step into<br />
that role for a while. In healthy<br />
families when one gets sick or is<br />
unable to do their regular function<br />
another steps in to help out. You<br />
can learn to shift in and out of family<br />
roles as the need arises.<br />
By Lis Muise, Edgewood News, 2013<br />
15
THORPE RECOVERY CENTRE WINTER 2015<br />
The<br />
Cost of<br />
ADDICTION<br />
on<br />
<strong>Families</strong><br />
“Addiction costs are insidious,<br />
often creeping into a person’s<br />
nances without notice...This makes<br />
people less likely to realize how damaging<br />
the nancial impact of addiction is until it’s<br />
too late.”<br />
16
THORPE RECOVERY CENTRE WINTER 2015<br />
Drug addiction and alcoholism<br />
are addictions that most people<br />
are familiar with, but there are<br />
many addictions families suffer<br />
from. The fact is that any addiction<br />
from drugs and cigarettes to shopping<br />
and gambling can have disastrous<br />
social and nancial consequences.<br />
When the addict has a family, the cost<br />
of the addiction can wreck the home<br />
and have long-lasting effects on every<br />
person he or she touches.<br />
Addictions and Poverty<br />
There’s a reason why addictions are<br />
often associated with poverty. Many<br />
addictive behaviours begin as a<br />
method of escapism and pleasure<br />
seeking, and people who suffer<br />
nancially are often drawn to them<br />
as a means to avoid serious problems.<br />
Addictions provide instant grati cation,<br />
which is something sorely lacking in<br />
most low-income households that<br />
struggle to survive from one paycheck<br />
to the next.<br />
The relationship between addiction<br />
and poverty travels both ways,<br />
however, and addictions can often<br />
lead to nancial ruin or maintaining<br />
healthy nances impossible. Simply<br />
put, addictions are expensive to<br />
maintain and their cost increases the<br />
longer a person has them. Addictions<br />
never level out; as it becomes harder<br />
for a person to reach the same level of<br />
satisfaction, they will need to engage in<br />
addictive behaviours more and more<br />
often, resulting in higher expenses.<br />
Of course, secondary factors come<br />
into play as well. Serious addictions<br />
interrupt every facet of a person’s<br />
life. I can lead to marital troubles<br />
and divorce, loss of jobs and criminal<br />
charges. In addition, many people<br />
nd themselves ill equipped to deal<br />
with life after quitting which leads them<br />
back to their addictive behavours.<br />
As the addict becomes embroiled<br />
in deeper poverty and despair, they<br />
often turn to the addiction for comfort,<br />
causing a vicious self-ful lling cycle.<br />
The Costs of Addiction<br />
Addiction costs are insidious, often<br />
creeping into a person’s nances<br />
without notice. People who may<br />
have a dif cult time paying off debt<br />
or making regular rent payments<br />
somehow always nd money to pay<br />
for addictions; this is usually because<br />
they are willing to make sacri ces to<br />
feed the addiction. This makes people<br />
less likely to realize how damaging the<br />
nancial impact of an addiction is until<br />
it’s too late.<br />
Because addictions are cumulative,<br />
they will cost more to maintain the<br />
longer a person has them. For<br />
example, if an addiction initially costs<br />
$100 a month to maintain, it’s cost will<br />
steadily climb to over $1,000 per month<br />
as the “need” to satisfy the addiction<br />
continues to grow. Estimates suggest<br />
that hardcore drug addictions can<br />
cost easily half of a person’s income<br />
or more as the addiction steadily takes<br />
over the addicts life.<br />
Other Costs of Addiction<br />
The cost of purchasing an addictive<br />
substance or engaging in addictive<br />
behaviours isn’t the only price that<br />
addicts and their families pay. The<br />
nancial side effects of poverty itself<br />
begin to snowball the longer a person<br />
lives hand-to-mouth. Bad credit,<br />
missed payments, toxic debts and<br />
late fees can all put further strains<br />
on nances. When people neglect<br />
household expenses to cover the cost<br />
of addictions, these strains can reach<br />
a breaking point.<br />
Impact of Addiction on <strong>Families</strong><br />
There is a strong correlation between<br />
addiction, poverty and abuse. Eighty<br />
percent (80%) of child abuse and<br />
neglect cases are associated with<br />
some form of substance abuse no<br />
matter the socioeconomic group. The<br />
children of addicted parents are more<br />
likely to become addicted themselves.<br />
They have poorer coping skills and<br />
more anti-social behaviours.<br />
It’s easy to brush off addiction as<br />
something that other people suffer<br />
from. It’s harder to see our own<br />
addictions. The truth is that addictions<br />
are rarely as clear-cut and obviously<br />
evil as after-school specials and drug<br />
prevention commercials want us<br />
to believe. For people in the midst<br />
of addiction, it simply feels like a<br />
lifestyle and it’s always easy to justify<br />
behaviours.<br />
People must ultimately make a choice<br />
between the instant grati cation of an<br />
addiction or the long-lasting, healthy<br />
rewards of good nancial habits and<br />
planning for the future. Buy recognizing<br />
and honestly assessing their habits,<br />
making a concentrated effort to stop,<br />
building a support group and seeking<br />
professional help, addicts can begin to<br />
regain control of their lives. Over time,<br />
this will enable them to take the rst<br />
step toward nancial freedom.<br />
_____________________________________<br />
Jessica Bosari, Contributor<br />
2014 FORBES on Line: onforb.es<br />
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THORPE RECOVERY CENTRE WINTER 2015<br />
HELP FOR<br />
THE FAMILY<br />
An addiction destroys families as much as it destroys individuals. Living<br />
with an addict is both heartbreaking and exhausting. Family members<br />
are torn between how to help the addict and how to avoid being sucked<br />
into the addicts world.<br />
2Things you can do for<br />
the Yourself.<br />
1Things you can do for<br />
the Addict.<br />
• Behave exactly as you would<br />
if your loved one had a serious<br />
illness. What would you do if they<br />
were diagnosed with heart disease<br />
or cancer?<br />
• Educate yourself on addiction and<br />
recovery.<br />
• Try not to accuse or judge. Avoid<br />
name calling. This is a dif cult time<br />
for both of you.<br />
• Provide a sober environment that<br />
reduces triggers for using.<br />
• Allow the addict time to go to<br />
meetings.<br />
• Understand that your lives will<br />
change. Do not wish for your old life<br />
back. Your old life to some extent<br />
is what got you here. You both<br />
need to create a new life where it is<br />
easier to not use alcohol or drugs .<br />
• Make sure that your both have<br />
time for fun. People use alcohol<br />
and drugs to relax, escape and as<br />
a reward. The addict needs to nd<br />
alternative ways to relax, escape<br />
and as a reward otherwise they<br />
will turn back to their addiction.<br />
• Do not enable. Do not provide<br />
excuses or cover up for the addict.<br />
• Do not shield the addict from the<br />
consequences of their addiction.<br />
People are more likely to change<br />
if they have suffered enough<br />
negative consequences.<br />
• Set boundaries that you all agree<br />
on. The goals of boundaries is to<br />
improve the health of the family as<br />
a whole. Do not use boundaries to<br />
punish or shame.<br />
• If you want to provide nancial<br />
support, buy the goods and<br />
services the addict needs instead<br />
of giving them money that they<br />
might use to buy alcohol or drugs.<br />
• Recognize and acknowledge the<br />
potential the addict has within<br />
them.<br />
• Take care of yourself. Living with<br />
an addict is exhausting. You also<br />
need time to recover.<br />
• Avoid self-blame, you can’t control<br />
another person’s decisions, and<br />
you can’t force them to change.<br />
• Do not work harder than the<br />
addict. The best approach is<br />
to not do things for the addict,<br />
but instead to be an example of<br />
balance and self-care.<br />
• Being a caretaker is not good for<br />
you or the addict. Understand<br />
that there is only so much you can<br />
do to change the other person.<br />
• Ask for help. Talk to a professional.<br />
Go to a support group such as Al-<br />
Anon.<br />
• Do not argue or try to discuss<br />
things with the addict when they<br />
are under the in uence. If won’t<br />
get you anywhere.<br />
• If at all possible, try not to be<br />
negative when dealing with the<br />
addict. That may only increase<br />
their feelings of guilt and push<br />
them further into using.<br />
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THORPE RECOVERY CENTRE WINTER 2015<br />
3<br />
Ways To Reestablish Family<br />
Relationships After Rehab<br />
The Three C’s of Dealing<br />
with an Addict<br />
• You didn’t Cause the addiction.<br />
• You can’t Control the addiction.<br />
• You can’t Cure the addiction.<br />
“You can’t stop drinking or using<br />
for another person.”<br />
4Helpful Links for Family<br />
and Friends of Addicts<br />
• Al-anon.org For family members of<br />
alcoholics.<br />
• Nar-anon.org For Family members<br />
of addicts.<br />
• Gam-anon.org For Family<br />
members of Gamblers.<br />
• Coda.org For co-dependent<br />
individuals.<br />
• Adultchildren.org For adult<br />
children of alcoholics and<br />
addicts.<br />
Examine Your “Old” Family Traditions<br />
It’s a good idea to take stock of your “old” family traditions and ask yourself why they<br />
existed and which ones are most important to you, your spouse/partner and the rest<br />
of the family. You may be surprised at the number of things you did because that’s<br />
the way it “should” be done.<br />
As you think about the way you used to celebrate the holidays and how they will be<br />
different from now on, it’s normal if part of you feels sad or angry. You are grieving for<br />
what was and the part of your past that is nished. Acknowledge it and accept that<br />
some things have to change as part of your journey to stay well. Usually, the things<br />
that you must forgo, aren’t worth it anyway.<br />
Decide What You Want Your New Family Traditions to Look Like<br />
Here are some ideas to consider to help get you started.<br />
• Find some festive non-alcoholic drink or punch recipes to serve to friends and<br />
family instead of offering wine or hard liquor at your home.<br />
• Look for healthier cookie and treat recipes to try -- and involve the entire family in<br />
baking. Serve hot chocolate afterward.<br />
• Decorate your home (inside and out) as a family.<br />
• If going to the mall and going from store to store is too stressful, shop on-line and<br />
arrange for items to be delivered to your home or to a local store for pick-up.<br />
• Get outside to enjoy the fresh air.<br />
• Pop some popcorn and plan a movie night for the entire family.<br />
After rehab, it is possible to rebuild your relationships with your family. Spending time<br />
together is an important part of the process. Take time this year, spring summer, fall or<br />
winter, to establish new traditions so that all of you can move forward together.<br />
19
THORPE RECOVERY CENTRE WINTER 2015<br />
IMPACT OF<br />
ADDICTION<br />
ON INTIMACY<br />
Alcohol and drug abuse is the source of many<br />
problems for those who engage in this behaviour.<br />
One of the earliest casualties from substance<br />
abuse will be intimacy.<br />
It’s just not possible for people to abuse mind altering substances and<br />
maintain healthy relationships. As the individual falls deeper into addiction it<br />
will completely take over their life, and there will be no room for anyone else.<br />
The person falls into a delusion and self absorption and they will stay that way<br />
until they manage to escape their addiction. Once they enter recovery they<br />
will need to work hard in order to regain the ability to be intimate and enjoy<br />
healthy sexual relationships.<br />
Intimacy Defined: The word intimacy comes from a Latin word meaning inner.<br />
It can be de ned as particularly close interpersonal relationships that usually<br />
involve both physical and emotional intimacy. Emotional intimacy can vary in<br />
degree and it refers to the closeness that people feel for one another. Physical<br />
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THORPE RECOVERY CENTRE WINTER 2015<br />
intimacy most often refers to sexual<br />
and romantic contact. An intimate<br />
relationship is said to include a number<br />
of elements such as:<br />
• Trust<br />
• Each individual will have extensive<br />
knowledge about each other.<br />
• Will feel affection and care for<br />
each other.<br />
• There will be an expectation that<br />
the relationship will continue long<br />
term.<br />
• An intimate relationship may<br />
mean that those involved think in<br />
terms of “us” rather than “me”.<br />
• They are committed to each other.<br />
• There is an expectation that the<br />
other partner will treat them fairly.<br />
• They share many beliefs,<br />
experiences and opinions - this is<br />
referred to as mutuality.<br />
Substance Abuse and Intimacy<br />
If people are abusing alcohol and<br />
drugs it is almost impossible for them to<br />
maintain intimate relationships. This is<br />
because these substances will become<br />
their obsession and there will be no<br />
room for anyone else. As the individual<br />
falls further into addiction they may<br />
lose all interest in sex completely.<br />
Addiction drives the individual into a<br />
world of delusion and sel sh action. It<br />
will not be possible for another human<br />
to trust them fully, and this will prove to<br />
be a barrier to intimacy. The addict<br />
is still likely to have people who love<br />
them, but there will be a sense of<br />
wariness mixed in with the affection.<br />
The person who is abusing alcohol or<br />
drugs may feel almost incapable of<br />
feeling true affection for other people<br />
- they are too self obsessed to think<br />
beyond their own needs.<br />
Substance Abuse and Promiscuity<br />
Many of those individuals who abuse<br />
alcohol or drugs will engage in<br />
promiscuous sex. This type of sex lacks<br />
intimacy and it usually involves multiple<br />
partners. The addict may often wake<br />
up in bed with a stranger with no<br />
memories of the night before. Deep<br />
down the individual may realize that<br />
this is a poor substitute for true intimacy<br />
but it becomes a habit. When people<br />
are inebriated they are liable to make<br />
impulsive and poor decisions, and this<br />
often applies to the people they end<br />
up having sex with. Such behaviour<br />
increases the risk of picking up a<br />
sexually transmitted disease. It can<br />
also lead to unplanned pregnancy.<br />
Impact of Addiction on the Sex Drive<br />
Alcohol and drug abuse can have<br />
a devastating impact on a person’s<br />
sexual health. Some drugs such as<br />
cocaine have the reputation for<br />
increasing sexual performance, but<br />
such effects are short lived. Over any<br />
length of times the abuse of these<br />
substances will lead to decreased<br />
sexual functioning. As the individual<br />
falls further into addiction they may<br />
completely lose all interest in sex and<br />
intimacy. Males may nd it dif cult to<br />
become aroused and so engaging<br />
in sexual activity becomes almost<br />
impossible. Women will also suffer from<br />
decreased libido as a result of drug<br />
abuse.<br />
Intimacy and Recovery<br />
Once people give up an addiction<br />
they will be able to begin rebuilding<br />
their life. One of the areas that they<br />
will need to focus on will be intimacy<br />
and sexual relationships. For some<br />
people this will prove to be the hardest<br />
area of their life to x, but things will<br />
improve it they give it time and make<br />
a serious effort to improve things. In<br />
some situations the individual will<br />
bene t from some type of counseling<br />
as they may have underlying issues<br />
that prevent them from developing<br />
satisfying relationships.<br />
How to Overcome Intimacy and<br />
Sexual Issues in Recovery<br />
The individual may still have problems<br />
related to sex and intimacy in recovery.<br />
In order to overcome these problems it<br />
is recommended that:<br />
• people avoid beginning a new<br />
relationship within the rst year of<br />
recovery.<br />
• When people who are married get<br />
sober there will need to be a period<br />
of adjustment. It is unrealistic to<br />
expect this relationship to be as<br />
intimate as it once was and any<br />
lost trust will need to be worked<br />
back.<br />
• The fall into addiction does not<br />
occur overnight and neither<br />
recovery from it. It may take<br />
months or even years before<br />
the individual is fully able to be<br />
intimate with another human<br />
being - this is particularly likely if<br />
they had intimacy issues before<br />
they fell into addiction.<br />
• The partner will have developed<br />
certain coping strategies to deal<br />
with the behaviour of the addict.<br />
They may need to abandon these<br />
coping strategies before intimacy<br />
can be resumed.<br />
• If people have persistent problems<br />
with intimacy they may bene t<br />
from some type of counseling. A<br />
therapist will be able to help the<br />
individual dig deep to discover<br />
any underlying issues.<br />
• Early recovery is often described<br />
as an emotional roller-coaster.<br />
Things tend to settle down once<br />
the individual has established<br />
themselves in sobriety.<br />
www.realtimerecovery.net (2014)<br />
Quick Facts:<br />
“82% of people surveyed think that<br />
there should be more services to help<br />
people with addictions.”<br />
-- The Dignity Project, Canada Speaks 2012, Mental<br />
Health, Addictions and the Roots of Poverty<br />
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THORPE RECOVERY CENTRE WINTER 2015<br />
Parenting Younger<br />
Siblings of<br />
Addicted Teens<br />
As with any family-related drama, the<br />
person at the heart of the concern gets<br />
the most attention.<br />
When adolescent mental health<br />
or substance abuse issues arise,<br />
the siblings of the abuser may be<br />
overlooked or neglected. Parents<br />
focus on the child with the drug<br />
addiction. Grandparents provide<br />
support for the parents. Extended<br />
family members become educated<br />
about substance abuse. Faith<br />
communities are asked to pray for the<br />
child involved with illegal substances.<br />
It’s expected, or at least hoped, that<br />
the siblings of the substance abuser will<br />
maintain the “good” status and allow<br />
everyone to focus on the child with the<br />
issues.<br />
This single-focused attention may put<br />
the siblings in stressful situations. They<br />
get less one on one time with mom or<br />
dad. They might take on additional<br />
household responsibilities. They may<br />
be required to provide extra caretaking<br />
for younger siblings. And,<br />
siblings themselves may become at risk<br />
for various behavioural, mental health<br />
or substance abuse issues.<br />
As parents begin to create a plan to<br />
address the issues of the adolescent<br />
with substance abuse problems, they<br />
must also create a plan for the other<br />
children in the family. Siblings still need<br />
one on one time with mom and dad.<br />
And, if the usual amount of time needs<br />
to be reduced, parents need to address<br />
22<br />
it directly rather than assuming that the<br />
child “will understand”. Parents should<br />
not neglect attending sports events,<br />
plays, concerts and other recognition<br />
events for siblings.<br />
Opportunities should be provided for<br />
expending physical energy. Whether<br />
the activities help to minimize issues<br />
of possible depression, or provide<br />
an outlet for negative emotions, the<br />
chance to run and play a sport, walk<br />
or swim need to be easily available.<br />
Provide positive feedback for the kids<br />
who are not substance abusers. It’s<br />
easy to emphasize the negative when<br />
under stress. Compliment the children<br />
when they are required to go above<br />
and beyond their usual responsibilities.<br />
Create a schedule that allows siblings<br />
to continue extra curricular, community<br />
or church participation whenever<br />
possible. This involvement<br />
provides stability, as well<br />
as a diversion from the<br />
emotionally charged home<br />
life. Even if all members of<br />
the family are attending<br />
family therapy sessions, it<br />
may be bene cial for siblings<br />
to have additional one on<br />
one therapy. This might be<br />
with the family therapist,<br />
or a completely different<br />
counselor. Parents and<br />
therapists mustn’t forget that when<br />
one child becomes a substance<br />
abuser, the other children in the family<br />
are also at risk. A study published by<br />
the University of Queensland and the<br />
University of Washington, in January<br />
2006 (www.researchaustralia.com.<br />
au), showed that younger siblings’<br />
use of alcohol and tobacco increases<br />
by three to ve times when older<br />
siblings are already involved. They<br />
suggest that prevention programs,<br />
which usually focus on parent-child<br />
interactions, need to shift the focus to<br />
sibling in uences.<br />
When struggling to parent a child with<br />
issues of addiction, don’t let the other<br />
children “ y under the radar”. Attempt<br />
to proved even-handed guidance<br />
to all of the children in the family,<br />
even when only one of them has the<br />
addiction issue.
THORPE RECOVERY CENTRE WINTER 2015<br />
Make the Thorpe Recovery Centre A Part of<br />
Your Donation Plans For 2015<br />
Who Are We?<br />
Canadians Are Saying<br />
Ways to Donate<br />
Thorpe Recovery Centre is a non<br />
pro t organization dedicated to<br />
providing client-centered and<br />
community based addiction<br />
services. Our clients, both men and<br />
women come from across Canada.<br />
Each looking for that second<br />
chance at a sober life.<br />
“It was great and an awesome<br />
environment to detox. Way better<br />
than white knuckling it on the streets.”<br />
- Thorpe Detox Client, 2014<br />
82% of those surveyed think that there<br />
should be more services to help people<br />
with addictions.<br />
Mental illness and addictions personally<br />
touch the lives of four out of five<br />
Canadians with 80% reporting that they<br />
have either a friend or family member<br />
who has experienced mental illness and/<br />
or addiction.<br />
Most Canadians recognize the linkage<br />
between mental health and addiction<br />
with 71% agreeing that “a lot of people<br />
with addictions have mental health<br />
problems.”<br />
Monthly Giving<br />
A monthly gift provides a continuous source<br />
of funds to support the mission of the Thorpe<br />
Recovery Centre. Monthly donations can<br />
be made simply through pre-authorized<br />
debit or credit card charges.<br />
In Memoriam<br />
A donation to TRC in memory of a<br />
family member, friend or loved one is a<br />
meaningful way to express your sympathy.<br />
In Honour<br />
Donation gifts in recognition can be made<br />
to an individual who has worked hard in<br />
their recovery.<br />
Why Donate<br />
Donating to Thorpe Recovery Centre<br />
isn’t just about keeping the lights on or<br />
adding a new piece of equipment. It<br />
is really about the people who walk<br />
through our doors and providing them<br />
with the best opportunity to change<br />
their lives and the lives of the people<br />
around them.<br />
Contact Us<br />
For more information please contact<br />
us:<br />
• Telephone: 780.875.8890<br />
• Toll Free: 1.877.875.8890<br />
• giving@thorperecoverycentre.org<br />
• www.thorperecoverycentre.org<br />
Canadians estimated that 28% of the<br />
population is living with an addiction to<br />
drugs or alcohol.<br />
Source - The Dignity Project (2014),<br />
SalvationArmy.ca/dignity<br />
How to Donate<br />
There are many ways to make a<br />
donation to the Thorpe Recovery Centre.<br />
• Access PayPal or Canada Helps on<br />
our website.<br />
• Cash or Cheques<br />
• Credit Card<br />
• Appreciation Publicly Listed Stocks<br />
“Not only gave me the tools to keep my<br />
addiction under control, you made me<br />
healthy again. For the fi rst time in a long<br />
time, I really like myself again. That, I could<br />
not have done alone! I’m so grateful.”<br />
- Thorpe Detox Client, 2014<br />
Sobriety Birthday<br />
Celebrating your own sobriety by helping<br />
another begin the most important day<br />
of their life. An annual gift of $250 will go<br />
towards sponsoring treatment for someone<br />
unable to nancially support the cost.<br />
Items And Volunteers<br />
• Milk and food items<br />
• Of ce & Art supplies<br />
• Personal Hygiene items<br />
• Bath Towels<br />
• Volunteers for yard work and<br />
building maintenance.<br />
• Volunteers to lead yoga and<br />
meditation for our clients.<br />
• Donated plants & trees<br />
• Gym equipment<br />
• Computers for the clients area<br />
• Recovery related reading material<br />
• Extension Cords<br />
• DVD Movies (appropriate)<br />
• Cleaning and laundry supplies<br />
23
THORPE RECOVERY CENTRE WINTER 2015<br />
When It’s Time For Change<br />
When you or your family are in crisis due<br />
to substance or process addictions such<br />
as gambling or sex addiction, Thorpe<br />
Recovery Centre provides recovery<br />
services for both you and your family.<br />
With compassion and support, we<br />
treat all clients and their families<br />
according to their individual<br />
challenges...helping people<br />
gain insight into themselves<br />
and give them the tools<br />
for long term recovery.<br />
• Medically Supported Detox<br />
“I walked in afraid, unsure and<br />
apprehensive. I left feeling fi lled<br />
with hope, peace and friends. I<br />
know it’s not going to be easy, but I<br />
am prepared.”<br />
- Thorpe Alumni, 2012<br />
“ This program has exceeded my<br />
expectations. I now feel like I’m<br />
normal in how I was feeling and<br />
I have a clear plan on how to<br />
proceed.”<br />
- Thorpe Alumni, 2014<br />
• 42 - 90 day residential programs<br />
• Chemical Dependency<br />
• Alcohol Addiction<br />
• Gambling Addiction<br />
• Sex Addiction<br />
• Concurrent Disorders<br />
• Family 4 Day Program<br />
Thorpe Recovery Centre is a not-for-pro t<br />
organization dedicated to providing clientcentred<br />
and community based addiction<br />
services.<br />
<br />
Overcoming Addictions to Improve Lives<br />
780.875.8890 TOLL FREE 1.877.875.8890 www.thorperecoverycentre.org<br />
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