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You’re sort of like a journal in which they can confide their private thoughts and find a
measure of release. As an experiment, try not giving advice unless they specifically ask you
for it.
• Narrow down what they’re upset about. Ask questions until you can figure out specifically
what is bothering them. When they understand this, it may bring some relief. A side benefit
is that you’re also encouraging them to talk and express their feelings, which results in a
release. It also gives you more opportunities to validate their feelings and affirm their value
and positive qualities.
Children
A study found that INTJs may be one of the types most likely to marry, but not have children.
Freije (1991) surveyed 130 people who did not intend to have children and 398 who did (there were
19 INTPs total in the combined sample). Among those choosing not to have children, 51%
consisted of ITs. Yet ITs were only 11% of the sample that did intend to have children. And where
did INTJs fall into it? 13 of the 19 INTJs—about two thirds—indicated that they did not want
children. Now you know who to blame for the birth dearth.
• INFJ – 2.95 times as many as expected did not want children (but the group included only 8
INFJs, so this finding should be regarded with suspicion)
• INTJ – 2.78 times as many as expected did not want children
• INTP – 2.51 times as many as expected did not want children
• ISTP – 2.47 times as many as expected did not want children
• ISTJ – 2.25 times as many as expected did not want children
• ISFP – 1.76 times as many as expected did not want children
ENTPs, ESFPs, ESFJs, ESTPs, and ENFJs were the types that most wanted children.
Although this was only a small exploratory study, it would be wise to discuss the subject of having
children before getting married.
Recommendations
If you want to approach building a better relationship from a type perspective, I recommend the
following books:
• 16 Ways to Love Your Lover by Kroeger and Thuesen - This honest book uses type to
explain in great detail why your spouse is so annoying, and why you yourself are so
annoying to your spouse. If you're having marital issues, this is the book I recommend. $1
used.
• Just Your Type: Create the Relationship You've Always Wanted Using the Secrets of
Personality Type by Tieger and Barron-Tieger - Contains descriptions of every possible
pairing, i.e. INTP x ISFJ, INTP x ESFP, INTP x ENFP. If you're curious to explore a
specific relationship, this book will do give you the information you need. $5 used.