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from their partner. The INTJ self reliance can even cause a partner to feel somewhat useless, “You<br />
don't need me for anything. Why do you even want me?” It does not take as much “input” to<br />
satisfy an INTJ as say, an ENFJ. An INTJ can live happily enough on a dime's worth of love<br />
demonstrations while their partners may require a dollar's worth. Indeed, were the INTJ to have a<br />
full dollar's worth of love demonstrations poured upon them, they might feel smothered.<br />
What to do about the difference in input? An INTJ trying to produce a dollar's worth of love<br />
demonstrations would exhaust themselves, while an ENFJ might produce such a quantity<br />
effortlessly. The best thing to do then, is to invest the dime wisely in the area where it will produce<br />
the greatest return. In short, find out what your spouse's most highly preferred “input” is and<br />
selectively direct your efforts there. Does your partner prefer physical affection? Help around the<br />
house? Gifts? Verbal expressions of love? Doing activities together? The book “16 Ways to Love<br />
Your Lover” is a good place to start your study, and you can find plenty of leads on the internet.<br />
Heck, you could even ask your partner!<br />
Let's look at some areas where INTJs can improve their marital skills.<br />
Giving Emotional Support<br />
So here’s a problem for you. Your partner, a Feeler, has just come up to you and shared an<br />
experience that has resulted in a state of emotional distress, insecurity, anger, worry, or rejection.<br />
• “My boss said he expects me to do better on the project this time.”<br />
• “My friend has been telling everyone I’m selfish.”<br />
• “I’m so worried about this interview.”<br />
They may even (gasp) cry.<br />
What do you do?<br />
Being an INTJ, your first instinct will probably be to provide logic-based advice on how to solve<br />
the problem. This is not necessarily the best approach. Often what your Feeling partner wants is<br />
not necessarily a solution, but emotional support in their time of need. (This humorous video<br />
embodies the difference in perspectives perfectly, though they frame it as a male/female issue.)<br />
Failure to provide emotional support may eventually lead to accusations such as “You weren’t there<br />
for me” or “You didn’t care about me.”<br />
So how does one provide such support? Well, here are some ideas:<br />
• Validate the other’s feelings by noting what emotions they must be feeling. “You must feel<br />
pretty upset about what they said.” “That must have hurt.” “You’re worried, huh?” “Oh no.<br />
You must feel awful.” Their feelings may sometimes seem illogical or over the top, but<br />
that’s to be expected from your own cool, lizard-like perspective. Your job here is to be<br />
something like a verbal mirror for their emotions, reflecting back their distress in a<br />
compassionate way. Emotional verbalization doesn’t come easy for an INTJ, but do the best<br />
you can. Even a little is much better than nothing.<br />
• Tell your partner that you value and love them. Provide specific examples of what you<br />
appreciate to counteract their own or others’ negative evaluations. Bring up specific<br />
examples of how things have turned out alright in the past. “It’ll be okay” is kind of<br />
shallow; you need to dig deeper. It’s alright to repeat your examples a couple of times so<br />
that it will sink in (this probably won't come naturally). You’re essentially constructing a<br />
positive mental picture to replace the negative one.<br />
• Just listen without trying to solve things. Your partner may simply want someone to vent to.
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