o_19kdfsn0q18e31dfraas1esh19vta.pdf

The finished contract will look something like this: “The INTJ agrees to allow company over once a
week and to go out twice to social gatherings, but only if a friend they already know is going. The
Extravert agrees to answer the telephone and will not have more than four people over at once
except on special occasions. The Extravert will also allow the INTJ to leave parties early if they
wish. The INTJ agrees to spend at least one hour chatting with company when they do come over.”
A well-written contract should make it easy to say when both parties are upholding their side of the
bargain. And since expectations are clearly laid out, neither partner is required to do more than
stipulated. Nor does either partner have a right to complain or nag anymore.
In the final stage, both parties set their agreement into a written contract, sign it if necessary, and
agree to try it out for two months. (Yes, you do need a time period—don’t just let it be forever.) On
a weekly basis, both parties need to check to make sure that they are upholding their end of the
bargain. At the end of the two months, the contract should be revisited, reviewed and adjusted as
necessary.
Contracting can be used in an infinite variety of situations; Kroeger and Thuesen include examples
in their book of how couples contracted over the questions of having children, getting married,
satisfying their relatives, and more. As the authors note, INTJs will keep their contracts, though
they have a tendency to reinterpret them as new situations come up.
Those 3 Little Words
Tieger and Barron-Tieger (2000) suggest that because INTJs are so private, they may not express
their feelings or thoughts enough to satisfy their more expressive mates. (This is true of all
Rationals, but particularly the INTs.) Indeed, INTJs are not big on sharing their feelings. They
dislike being pressured to make emotional expressions, i.e. giving compliments or saying “I love
you” over and over again. Over-frequent expression seems unnatural and insincere to them.
How often should one say “I love you”? Kroeger and Thuesen (1994) suggested at least once a
week, but when I told my NF friend this she was horrified and insisted that it should be once a day.
So obviously there are differences of opinion among the types. If your spouse keeps asking, “Do
you love me?” then you probably need to up the frequency. As a general rule of thumb, extraverted
feelers = high frequency; introverted thinkers = low frequency.
As noted in the INTJ/NF section, the INTJ believes a compliment lasts forever unless revoked.
However, the INTJ's spouse may mistakenly interpret silence as lack of affection. Adding to this
problem is the fact that the NTs as a group tend to be highly focused on the problems they are
currently working on, and are simultaneously disinterested in daily domestic matters. 128 Keirsey
suggests that although NTs may need reminders to pay attention to their relationships and family
life, the NT's spouse may not be willing to give such reminders, reasoning to themselves, "It isn't
real love if it is given under duress." The Rationals then continue obliviously on with their projects,
and cannot understand when their spouses finally tell them they are cold or uncaring. "How can
they think I don't love them?" the Rational wonders incredulously. "Isn't it obvious?"
So what can we say here? Although INTJ probably have lower relational needs than most, they
may run into trouble if they assume that other types share the same low needs for communication,
emotional expression, etc. (This assumes that you haven't married another INTJ, which seems to be
the preferred route.)
I suspect that the issue is this: compared to most other types, INTJs do not have very high needs
128 Keirsey, 1998